#balancedtranslocation

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

Getting through IVF failure

Date night: After the anxiety and cortisol of the two-week wait dwindles, I usually fall into a depression coma. I think it's really important to prioritise your relationship with each other during this time and make a deliberate effort to go on a date day/night. Leaving the house and being affectionate may feel like the LAST thing you want to do, but trust me, it helps. We went out to an Italian restaurant we had wanted to try for a while and purposely went to the cinema to see a movie afterwards instead of retreating back to the couch and rotating Netflix catalogue.

Get off social media: social media is the best and worst remedy for infertility related anxiety and depression. The night we went to the movies for date night I quickly glanced at Instagram prior to the movie starting and was caught off guard by a friends pregnancy announcement of her SECOND baby in 12 MONTHS! I sat there fuming. "That's it! I'm going offline.. better yet.. I'm going off grid! NO PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS IF I'M LIVING IN A CAVE?!

Once I had grounded myself again (thanks to Chris Hemsworth and chocolate) I remembered the amazing support networks I've gained through social media, and the way it has countered so much of the loneliness I've felt lately. Instead of quitting altogether, I made the decision to limit myself moving forward. For me this meant avoiding my IVF Instagram page for a few weeks, muting all accounts with babies and pregnancy related content and limiting social media use altogether. I turned to 'healthier' alternatives such as phone free netflix binges, journaling, reading, walking with a podcast on etc.

Puzzles: when you only feel capable of dwelling on what could have been, doing a puzzle gives your mind something else to focus on. With each puzzle piece there is a sense of accomplishment and while IVF doesn't promise any end goal for your effort, puzzles do. My routine in the early days of grief involved working on a puzzle while watching Stranger things. No time for ruminating when your hands and mind are busy.

Catch up with friends who don't have kids and aren't on that wavelength: when you're early 30s and onwards it can be hard to find friends who aren't pregnant, aren't parents or aren't trying to conceive. I still have a few friends who fit this category so I make an effort to prioritise these friendships during IVF slumps. When I went for a walk with one of my best friends who is far from trying to have children, it was such a nice circuit breaker. We discussed work stress, upcoming holidays, dog training, her winery tour adventures .. literally everything but kids! We did briefly discuss the failed transfer (a girl needs to vent) but it wasn't the focus of the catch up. If you don't have friends that fit this category, I'd suggest establishing boundaries and communicating what you need prior to catching up. Maybe this is "Just a heads up I'm struggling at the moment and would like to avoid talking about IVF today" Or "I'm going to talk about the transfer for 5 minutes but stop me if I bring it up again because I know it's not useful for me to revisit it."

Boundaries: family members and friends mean well when they ask how you're feeling but personally, I seldom find this helpful. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the loss and despair being acknowledged, but having to repeatedly revisit the grief and discuss it can keep me feeling stuck. I usually say something along the lines of "thanks for checking in but talking about something else would be most helpful for me right now."

Home improvement: To get me through the most recent failure I decided to do something nice for myself (budget permitting of course!). I bought a new plant after the transfer, a reading chair and a some bits and pieces from KMART to make a reading space which has brought me so much joy. It doesn't have to be a project as big as this to bring a sense of accomplishment. It could be organising a cupboard under your sink or buying some new bathroom towels. They say change is as good as a holiday and I think they're on to something.

Enjoy forbidden pregnancy things and child free luxuries: take yourself to a bougee sushi restaurant, order yourself a cocktail and a charcuterie board, buy a morning coffee and maybe an afternoon coffee as well! I try and romanticize and feel grateful for the life I have right now. A life that is, in many ways, selfish and indulgent (hello reading for 2 hours at a time or getting 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep). Would I prefer to be a mother? One thousand times yes.

Do I choose to nurture and hold hope for the person in the waiting? Absolutely.

I hope this helps x

#survivingivf #ivf #health #infertile #balancedtranslocation #translocation

[huckcheramiewalz]

Perfect hatching blastocysts for our first of 6 (SIX) IVF cycles. A boy and a girl. Gone, like many others, before we got to meet them. . October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. It’s also the month I found out, over five years ago, that I was finally pregnant with Liam. . I pinch myself pretty regularly and can’t really believe that we ended up with three children - three perfect little, mischievous, clever boys. We endured a lot of loss to get here, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering who they all would have been, but I am so grateful for the journey (in hindsight), my companion along the way (@mcwalz you have always been my rock) and the final destination (#huckis6 #yourdailyliam #nicosuave2018). . If you are struggling to conceive or are grieving a loss, please know you are not alone. I see you. I know your heartache and fear. And if you ever need someone to listen, I am here. . . . . #infantandpregnancyloss #infantandpregnancylossawareness #infantandpregnancylossawarenessmonth #ivf #ivfsupport #ivfsuccess #ivfjourney #balancedtranslocation #endometriosisawareness #endometriosis #momofboys #boymom https://www.instagram.com/p/B3fulFPDGNr/?igshid=1fhz70ruqo0f5

#huckis6 #yourdailyliam #nicosuave2018 #infantandpregnancyloss #infantandpregnancylossawareness #infantandpregnancylossawarenessmonth #ivf #ivfsupport #ivfsuccess #ivfjourney #balancedtranslocation #endometriosisawareness #endometriosis #momofboys #boymom

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

23.06.22

It has been quite a while since I made a post on here. I’ve been wanting to for a few weeks but kept getting overwhelmed by how much has happened and where to begin. 

For this reason I’ve decided to share in dot point form

03.06.21 We began Cycle 3 of IVF at our new clinic. I felt confident going into this one as the new specialist was the right fit for us in both her expertise and patient manner. I also felt that we had a chance of getting more viable embryos because we had one in round 2. 8 eggs were collected, 4 top quality embryos were made and we waited for our PGD results.

26.06.21 we did a 7 hour round trip to pick up our puppy Kevin

02.07.21 I arranged for the result to be communicated to my partner as I was on placement and didn’t want to burst into tears if we got bad news. He got the call and despite me calling and texting him throughout the day, he would not give me any information. That was information enough.

When I called after placement he told me that none of the embryos were chromosomally normal. I cried the whole 1 hour car drive home.

-Our specialist was shocked. We were absolutely devastated.

-I had just started my Alcohol and Other Drugs 2 month placement on top of a team leader secondment in my current job and committed to the sleep, toilet and general training a puppy requires

I threw myself into work and puppy training, meaning I neglected any  processing, self-care or healing from the trauma we’d just experienced.

06.08.21 I celebrated my 29th birthday at placement and in another Melbourne lockdown meaning I couldn’t distract myself with friends or social commitments. 

-A few days after my birthday I had a really bad headache and neck pain

-After a week of doctor appointments, a CT scan and a hospital day admission I was diagnosed with Shingles behind my ear and spreading up my scalp. A migraine accompanied this 

-Mid August I put placement on hold and applied for a new job which I was successful in getting

30.08.21 I started my new job and a week later had a bit of a scare when I got another migraine and lost my ability to speak temporarily. An ambulance was called by my partner and I was diagnosed with “atypical migraine” and discharged. Continual migraines with similar vagueness, pain and aura followed me until February 2022 (shingles and stress were suggested as the main culprit).

15.11.21 had an appointment with an “Uterus Didelphys” specialist who asked me if we’d considered “being childless.” I cried on my way to the car, in the car and when I got home

24.11.21 we moved into our dream house and decided we definitely wouldn’t be doing any more rounds of IVF until 2022. 

January 22 Had an epiphany that if we want what is best for our kids as parents, how could I put our kids through inheriting my chromosome issues. Despite my partner being willing to continue with my eggs, I decided that using an egg donor would be our next step forward. He came around to the idea and I asked a friend who had offered her eggs previously if she was still interested and she said yes.

IVF was closed down in Melbourne due to pressure on hospitals and it being an ‘elective’ surgery *eye roll

11.03.22 Accounts session to discuss the costs associated with a donor cycle

16.03.22 First mandatory IVF donor counselling session 

22.03.22 Joined telehealth consultation with a nurse and our donor to discuss the process

30.03.22 Second joined mandatory counselling session with myself, my partner, our donor and her partner to determine we were all on the same page and raise any questions or concerns

31.03.22 My partner was diagnosed as having an ‘active case’ of CMV which is dangerous in pregnancy. Our IVF specialist told us she had never seen this happen before! Alas, IVF Cycle 4 postponed for 6 weeks until virus cleared from both of us (it was assumed I would contract it from him).

11.05.22 Found out through repeated blood tests that my partner never had CMV (false positive on the test) and our cycle was postponed for no reason. Given the all clear to go ahead at the start of our donor’s next period.

21.05.22 Our 4th Cycle of IVF begins and all precautions are taken to avoid covid-19 postponing our cycle again

03.06.22 Eggs are collected from our donor and fertilised. A few days later we find out that 7 eggs had fertilised and a few more days after that, 2 embryos had made it to the freezing stage. 

23.06.22 As I write this today I’m waiting for my period to start so our transfer cycle begins. We have 2 embryos, that is 2 chances of a pregnancy. Each transfer has a 50% chance of resulting in a positive pregnancy test. 

In a few weeks I’ll have a scan to check my uterus lining and have a blood test around my predicted ovulation date to time the transfer. I’m guessing it will be around July 18th but that will depend on if my period arrives soon.

My feelings towards transfer fluctuate. Some days I’m overly positive and some days I feel like it’s never going to work for us because it hasn’t yet. At this moment, I feel premenstrually grumpy and exhausted. I’ve eaten half a bag of salt and vinegar chips, have pimples galore on my chin and can’t wait to lie on the couch with my current read - Jasper Jones by Craig SIlvey. 

I want to make more of an effort to record my musings and appointments on here as it’s the only place I’ve been somewhat consistent over the past few years (a part from Instagram). I don’t care if tumblr has the reputation of an outdated teenage blog site. It’s the easiest one for my non coding brain to navigate.

Thanks for reading x

#ivf #balancedtranslocation #uterusdidelphys #ivfsupport #pregnancy #infertile

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

03.07.22

Car service cost $415 AND I need new back tyres. Why is adulting so expensive!?

I made this lemon and ricotta cake for dessert last night and it was delicious.

Kyle is sick with a cold or throat infection and I’m really hoping that deep cleaning the house and keeping our distance (as best we can) will prevent me getting sick. I can’t have any cold symptoms for my scan on Friday!

Went for a 4km walk for cold supplies to Woolies so I could add more points to my rewards card.. new obsession 😅

I have been reading “a good girls guide to murder” for most of the day. Not sure how I feel about it yet. Finding myself invested in what happens but not really enjoying it?

Feeling a bit flat and sorry for myself today. Trying not to give much energy to the negative thoughts I keep having about transfer.

#adulting #ivf #infertility #ivfdiaries #chromosometranslocation #bt #balancedtranslocation #eggdonor #eggdonation

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

29.06.22

I felt motivated to get my finances in order for the next month because the cost of living is rising, it's almost tax time and if we're successful with transfer, I will really need to rein in my frivolous spending habits

I don't smoke, drink or go on holidays but I do spend a lot on books, craft, clothes and eating out

I'm hoping the excel spreadsheet Kyle made for me will keep me motivated as I see changes from one month to the next and make it a bit of a competition with myself

Looking at how much I earned in June and how much I spent was confronting..

It's been so many years of failure with IVF but if this works I will need to think realistically about maternity leave and how our income will change.

#ivf #savings #budget #pregnancy #familyspending #excelspreadsheet #finances #costofliving #infertility #balancedtranslocation #translocation #chromosomeabnormality #bt

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

You had me at “balanced translocation.”

I sit on the couch sweating, laughing nervously and tapping my feet energetically against the floor. My dog feeds off this anxious energy and we need to put him outside to allow for better concentration. My partner is also sweating and red faced with the syringe in his hand and a fixed stare on the instruction booklet in front of him.

He raises his arm and says “Okay are you ready?” to which I laugh and say “should we put the TV on? It’s a bit too quiet isn’t it?.” He laughs nervously..

“C’mon this is a $12,000 process! We just have to do it” he says.

“Okay I’m ready” I say and grab at the skin on my stomach.

“Okay I’m doing it” he says.

“NO NOT YET” I squeal and turn away.

(This goes on for 10 minutes).

I guess you’re probably wondering how we got ourselves into this predicament? Surprisingly, it’s not routine for us to be handling needles and laughing nervously on Wednesday evenings, so let me fill you in.

My parents told me late into my adolescence that I had a balanced translocation of chromosomes 2, 3 and 8. I shelved that information in the ‘deal with that when I’m old enough’ box and only started looking into again at the beginning of this year. Through my extensive internet trawling I’ve come to understand that when I was developing as an embryo, parts of my chromosomes 2, 3 and 8 broke off and reattached on to each other. All of the right pieces are there, they’re just a bit muddled up. 

Having a balanced translocation doesn’t have an impact on the carrier until they try to have a child, and this can result in three different scenarios. You can either give birth to a healthy child who also carries the balanced translocation (like me!), you can give birth to a child who is chromosomally normal (lucky them!), or you can conceive a child with an unbalanced translocation (70% chance of this happening, not ideal). 

An unbalanced translocation means the exchange of chromosome material is unequal, resulting in extra or missing genes. If the unbalanced translocation doesn’t result in miscarriage's it will result in the birth of a child with congenital abnormalities, developmental delay or intellectual disability. 

Unrelated to the chromosome problem, I was also born with an abnormal uterus (uterus didelphys), meaning double uterus. This means that my uterus didn’t properly develop and resulted in a septum dividing it into two halves. This means a foetus can only develop in one side of my uterus, meaning less space and higher chance of miscarriage's and pre-term labour.

For these reasons, I decided that seeing a specialist to discuss our options was appropriate. At the age of 27 neither of us had any immediate plans to start a family but as we had just bought our first house and we both knew we wanted children together, eventually, I thought it was the next appropriate step. 

Despite being at home in Covid-19 isolation, we both made an effort to wear semi-formal clothes and portray ourselves as put together adults for our first IVF specialist appointment. During this appointment we were told that trying to conceive naturally would add risk upon risk and we were advised not to. I knew that my fertility issues would cause some hassle falling pregnant, but I didn’t preempt that ‘natural’ conception would be taken off the table almost completely. Adding to this we were told to start sooner, rather than later because the prognosis was only going to get worse the older I got.

July 9th 2020, was the day that we were bombarded with this information and IVF was introduced as our most suitable option for starting a family. After signing relentless consent forms, participating in numerous counselling sessions, an undergoing blood tests, ultrasounds and a laparoscopy you find us at the present day October 8th 2020. I’m typing this up while my partner goes on a run and in an hour from now we will be sitting on our gray couch, laughing nervously and injecting my stomach for the second time with GONAL-F (ovary stimulation hormones).

I wanted to give an open and honest account of what it’s like to navigate through infertility and assisted reproductive treatment in the hope that it will help you, trusty reader, feel less alone or better equipped to support someone you know.

Pregnancy is often paraded over social media as cute outfits placed next to ultrasound photos with words such as “Ready for our next adventure” or “Baby on board”, while those of us with infertility want to throw our phones and rip our hair out. 

This blog isn’t a dig at these people.

Before all of this happened I can almost guarantee I would have been one of “those” people and I think that everyone should have the opportunity to be one of those people, but sadly, we don’t. 

This blog is an acknowledgement of the often unspoken and isolating reality of infertility. An experience that isn’t pretty or Pinterest worthy.  

This blog is my attempt at saying I see you friend and I feel your tears, financial strain, frustration and crippling anxiety, because I’m going through it too.

So why don’t you grab a blanket, cup of tea, mint slice (or packet) and settle in for a turbulent expedition. My infertility isn’t going anywhere.. and neither am I. x

#ivf #balancedtranslocation #infertile #infertility #monashivf #uterusdidelphys #bicornuateuterus