#because brain just. won't let it happen right. like. physically yeah I'm capable but I just can't bring forth the. energy

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW transphobia & manipulation

I gotta vent. I gotta vent so bad I'm sorry, please be careful and consider the trigger warning

I'm so angry with my mother rn. Like I'm. Oh my god. Ohhhhhh my god I'm so mad. I'm pissed. I'm. Furious? idk I just. I'm very angry rn but I literally can't bring it up with her bc she'll REFUSE to discuss it bc it WILL lead to an argument and she won't let that happen (she legit deleted her original fb account and made a new one with select people as friends to avoid my aunt, who was sending her covid conspiracy theories, rather than having a discussion with her about it. Tho to be fair my aunt is sort of. She's very argumentative. Not violently but. In the way that far-right people tend to be u kno?)

I just

Okay

A few weeks ago, she tried discussing a transphobic argument with me without explicitly stating that it was transphobic, she introduced it as "hey I wanna know what your opinion is as a younger person..." and went on to say that she had a friend who was a teacher that has 2 kids pretending to be dogs in their class and that they respond to questions by barking instead of speaking, and that the teacher isn't allowed to discuss this with the parents

And let me say, she literally asked this when I walked through the door after work. After a work day I had woken up for at 3:40AM, started my shift at 5:30, ended my shift at 2:00, and got home around 2:45-3:00. Not to mention the fact that this is a physically laborious job. I AM VERY TIRED AFTER WORK. I ALWAYS AM. I REGULARLY END UP ACCIDENTALLY TAKING A NAP AFTER WORK BC I AM SO GODDAMN TIRED. AND SHE KNOWS THIS. QUITE WELL.

So imagine you're me, walking in the door after a long and tiring day, and THIS is the first thing your mother asks you?? Obviously I'm not gonna know how to respond, but I KNOW it's a transphobic dogwhistle, so I don't wanna give in to it, but I also just. Don't know what to say. What CAN I say about that???? Fuck man

And now I learn that SHE STOLE THAT EXAMPLE FROM MA/TT WA/LSH'S TRANSPHOBIC BOOK/DOCUMENTARY "WHAT IS A WOMAN." SHE LITERALLY LIED TO MY FACE ABOUT IT. Because she framed it as an actual thing her friend was dealing with. But no. She took this and made me believe it was actually happening to someone she knew

AND not to mention that I have MASSIVE difficulties in verbal conversations bc I'm autistic. Obviously not all autistic people are this way, but for me, my brain freezes up, idk how to act, I don't know what I should or shouldn't say, how to express it, what body language or facial expressions to use, etc. I CAN'T form an argument verbally, ESPECIALLY not while put on the spot like that, while I'm tired and not expecting it

Basically, I have a very difficult time expressing my thoughts unless I have a lot of time and space to make sure my point is clear and understandable. That's why I very much prefer text-based communication and time pressure makes things very difficult for me. A big part of this is my slower processing speed (legit, my scores on the IQ test I had to take for my diagnosis were all in the 60-something percentile, one was in the 70-something percentile, but processing speed was exactly at the 50th percentile. I think and process things very slowly, at least compared to my other mental capabilities)

SO AGAIN, I say that putting me on the spot like that was absolutely unfair. And knowing she stole that example has just made me even angrier about it

She manipulated a situation to make it nearly impossible for me to reasonably argue the point she was trying to make because. Why? Oh yeah, because she doesn't want me to "stray from god" or be "confused" by "secular ideas"

Because she's violently transphobic

And she probably thought this was a perfectly reasonable thing to do because that's exactly how Ma/tt Wa/lsh did things in his discussion on the topic. So this is a perfectly legitimate way to discuss opposing viewpoints, right?

God I just

I'm so mad

I hate it here

With all this going on while I'm actively going through some massive questioning on my own gender identity... I wish I could move out. That I could cut ties with my family. Because fuck these people

I WANT them to see how this is wrong, I WANT them to learn to be the compassionate people they RAISED me to be, but I just feel like they'll refuse to, particularly if they're giving in to this kind of propaganda

It's just very... disheartening, I suppose

Rant over, sorry for so much negativity lol

#personal #ask to tag #bc there's supporters of him on here and I'm not up for those ppl seeing and interacting with this post #censoring that one guy's name so this doesn't come up in search results for him

[ravynfyre]

rl drama crap. I'm basically being selfish, but I need to get this off my chest...

warning, this is long as shit because drama.

I didn't keep in touch with most of my old high school folks because 1) most of the high school folks treated me like shit when we were there and 2) the ones who were my friends started treating me like shit as an adult, so what's the point. I have new friends now.

There's a couple, tho, that I didn't ghost... one who was a very close friend who underwent a serious brain injury, and is now... basically she's a child stuck in an adult's body. We keep in touch because I'm the only one of us "forever friends" who *did*, and she remembers that. Unfortunately, she also has basically made me her lynchpin of sanity, and it's actually pretty stressful getting mentioned by her all the time for not being available enough, and her jealousy because I *do* have other friends, and the fact that I live close to 4 hours away now means that we haven't actually physically seen each other since before covid. But I suck it up and tend to delete the comments on my posts that are... inflammatory because she literally doesn't understand what she is saying or commenting on? And just soldier on through the jealousy because she's not actually capable of understanding what she is doing to me or why it might suck. It is what it is and we make it work.

There was another friend, though, who was a friend, but... like a peripheral friend? We were in the same friend group, we were close, but we weren't *close* close. We'd comment on each other's FB stuff, but we didn't even chat on FB because we just weren't that close. But we kept an eye out for one another...

right up until he started having a protracted mental health crisis. Part of the crisis involved potentially rehoming his dog, and, if any of all y'all playing the home game here have been paying attention, I do have a soft spot for dogs. So after he got over some furor about a vaguepost about rehoming his dog, he contacted me privately and asked if I could help. I wasn't *actually* looking to bring another dog into my pack right now, but I knew the dog and figured, "I should be a friend and help him out." So we sorted out that, at a minimum, when he had to work out of town for a week coming up, that I would take his dog on for the week to see how that went.

Then he proceeded to string me along for nearly 18 hours: "I'll be there in the afternoon." "Oh, I had something come up, I haven't left yet, but I'm leaving soon." "Oh, still haven't left yet, would you mind staying up late for us?" "Uh, so, this thing happened.." And, eventually, what was supposed to be an afternoon arrival, became him showing up at 9am the next morning... and yes, I stayed up nearly the entire night waiting for him, or at least for an update, because he could never fucking let me know what was going on until *I* poked him. But eventually the dog was dropped off, and the dog's a sweet little guy who is a potted plant with fur, and has slotted into my pack quite well.

So. Dog has been with me for 36 hours. No issues. Dog is sweet. Friend calls me at... 8pm? I think it was? "Can your dogs do without you for about... 5 hours?" uhhhh.... yeah? sure? Why? "Because I'm [two and a half hours away] and I need a ride home from someone or this hospital won't let me leave." JFC, what happened!? Are you okay!? "Oh, I'm *fine*, but my family thinks I'm having a manic thing and that I should check myself into this hospital, but I don't want to do that, so they threatened to call the cops and have me involuntarily taken in if I left without someone supervising me. I'll pay for your gas! I wasn't going to call you because I didn't want to bother you, but no one else I know is available or willing." (not even his own family, although, admittedly, the nearest ones *are* 5 hours fro his location)

....hoo boy. This... this just doesn't sound like the kind of circus I want to involve myself in, but he's a friend, and he's in need, and I'm weak to saying no to people who need help, and especially people I know... so I tell him that I'll be on the road in 15 minutes, and to text me his exact address. And thus, I spend 2.5 hours on the road to arrive at this hospital, to the exact entrance he told me to come to... and I wait. And wait. And wait, until he sends me a photograph of where he is, which is a completely different entrance, all the while insisting that it is the entrance that I am sitting at waiting for him. (how many red flags has this been now?) But I eventually get him loaded up and we hit the road.

Of course, when I stop for fuel, he "forgets" that he promised to pay for fuel, and he's *definitely* in the middle of a significant mental health crisis, so I choose not to pester him. My truck takes a lot of fuel, and this pump only let me do half a tank at a time, so he "remembers" that he was going to cover fuel soon enough that he catches the second half the tank. Then we are back on the road, and he is talking to people about trying to figure out how he is going to make it back "home" from my place (another 2.5-3 hours north of me) and eventually tells his wife that he'll find a greyhound the next day, and I'm like, no. 1) the nearest greyhound depot is an hour north anyway, and 2) I'm not putting a friend on a greyhound for home, MUCH LESS one in the middle of a mental health crisis. That is a recipe for someone getting *shot*. So I tell him that I will just take him all the way back home, either then, or in the morning. We all (him, me, his wife, his parents, his sister, his boss) decide that that is a good plan, and so opt for the next morning. This is when I figure that I will just make it a trip and go see the first friend from up there while I am in town(ish) and just get it all over with at once. (and maybe visit my parents' graves, while I am at it. depending on timing. full trauma trip ftw!)

Next morning, he informs me that his parents are going to meet us halfway because, even though he only paid for half a tank of fuel, it was going to take another full tank (at least) to get him home and me back home, and he really "just couldn't afford that after all". So I resign myself to racking up a couple hundred on one of my credit cards, because, yeah, and I'm very glad that I hadn't messaged brain-injury friend to tell her I was coming up that day, because now I am not. We also decide that I will keep his dog for the time being, because he has to come back this way in a week, so he can get him then, and it will be less hassle dealing with his dog *and* his family right now, and I'm like, cool. That's fine.

Drive him north and get to where we are meeting his folks at less than a minute before they pull in, so win and pie. They buy us all lunch (and PIE, so it literally *was* win and pie!), and he... wanders off a few times during the meal, wherein his parents grill me on his state. I agree that he is in the middle of a mental health crisis, but that no one can legally commit him involuntarily because he is not actually a danger to himself or anyone else. That's my professional, paramedic opinion. That he needs a stable, *familiar* environment, and he needs to talk to his therapist, pronto. Mom is not happy; she was hoping that I would agree to commit him. Sorry, can't do it in my state. Maybe things are less strict in yours, but not here. Then she asks if I could "take him on for a while."

No. Just no. He is NOT my responsibility, and I do not have room in my tiny house, and do not have enough mental health, myself, to deal with his issues. No. Sorry, but no fucking way. I have his dog. He needs his family and his therapist, and this is not my fucking circus. (Said much more politely, of course, but I was firm.) Se's disappointed, but agrees that my 900 square foot farm bungalow probably wasn't a good place for him. Fortunately SHE and her husband remember to cover my fuel, because HE "forgets" for a third time, so at least I'm not going into debt over this fiasco. He loads his stuff in their car, and we part ways.

Three days later, I leave for horse camp. Something I told him, his family, and his wife, *multiple times* that I would be completely out of contact for. And in that 10 days, I got roughly 8 requests to facetime with him so he could see his dog. The dog that was staying with my farmsitters while I was in another state. And each time, "oh yeah. I knew that. Okay." and ten hours later, another fucking request. That whole trip ended up NOT being the vacation that it was supposed to be, and he really did not help.

Get back and radio silence from him for two days... which was odd as we were *supposed* to talk about him getting his dog as soon as I got back. Then his *wife* contacts me. He's radio silent because he's *in jail*. For assaulting her - IN FRONT OF HER KID. She wants to make sure that I will "be there for him".

Not to sound like a shitbag, but... I will be there for him inasmuch as I *can*, however, HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, and I am NOT a mental health provider. I am NOT going to "take him on." I am NOT going to invite him into my home, especially now that he has resorted to violence with someone. Yeah, I'll talk to him, but I ain't no shrink, and I have my OWN issues - involving a major emergency that resulted in the death of my new beloved mule, so I was pretty fucked up (and sick as shit with what turned out to be covid, to boot) too... so...

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm not going to race to another state again and leave my farm in the lurch to hold someone's hand who HAS mental health resources, just because I did it once for an emergency. ESPECIALLY not a domestic abuser. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not going to prison for defending myself. Or my dogs.

I explain gently that I'll do what I can, but, honestly, she needs to worry about herself and her mental health, rather than his right now. That SHE is the victim, and I'll take care of his dog for however long that takes, even if it's forever... but I'm not leaving my home right now. Okay. cool. We're solid.

Then the day of the mule emergency, he pesters me several times to "see his dog", and when I tell him that I can't, as I am literally in the middle of an extreme emergency, he says that he's "only a couple hours away, he'll leave right away to help me." Y'know what? That's sweet, but no. DO NOT COME DOWN HERE. He can't actually help me, and having him around will make it so much worse. So he finally concedes and stays home, which is good, because he has a court date in two days anyway!

I don't hear about how the court date goes. He's radio silent again. I'm assuming he's getting evaluated or something. Honestly, my mule is dead, I'm sick with covid, and I do not give a fuck. I try to move on with life, which is fucking hard, and I still have a hard time NOW dragging out of bed, because I failed Ranger, and that whole 20 hour mess was just so terrible. But on we go.

A week or so later, he starts messaging me again, agitating for a "video call" so he can see his dog, and, despite the fact that I do NOT "video chat" with ANYONE, I finally relent, because, dog. I can grok that. That was a couple nights ago, and he opens the chat with him, shirtless, in bed.

Uh, no. Sorry. But I'm not comfortable with that. So I promptly get down on the floor and keep the camera aimed at his dog so he can get his dog fix, and so I don't have to see him shirtless in bed. Eventually, he keeps the camera on his end aimed off somewhere that isn't even his face, so it's easier for me, but that was mainly, I think, because he just got lazy about holding his phone. Then toward the end of the call, "Can we make this a regular thing?"

PANIC!

Uhh... I'll try, but I really don't talk on the phone much, and I do not do video chatting at all. But I'll try what I can, so you can see your dog. Okay, cool, and then he goes off on a rant about his wife and his family, that included chestnuts to the effect of: "I know that my wife was well within her rights to file a police report as a *victim*, but she didn't really think about what that would do to *me*." And: "My parents were apparently there that night, and they *urged* her to file a report as a victim, in the hopes that I would end up getting taken to the hospital, since I won't go willingly. And it makes me really mad that they didn't even either know, are care about the fact that doing so could have, or might even still *could* result in 30 days of jail time for me! (You know, for physically assaulting his wife.) Just to get me into the hospital!"

And he is saying this shit without even the slightest understanding that, mental health crisis or no, HE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE, and his opinions about his care and feeding stopped having any relevance the moment his hand contacted his wife's body. But I managed to not go off on him about his victim blaming, responsibility ducking bullshit. I should have just let loose, though, I think. But "he's my friend" and "I should be more supportive"... or something, I guess.

Okay. Tonight, at 8:15, he messages me out of the blue, "Can we chat tonight? 8:30?"

No. Fuck you, no. I do not video chat, and I need to work myself up to that. I don't even answer the NON-video phone for unexpected calls, except from, like, three people. I'm sorry. I'm selfish. But I do NOT handle sudden changes in my plans well, even if that change is from "computer screw off time" to "chatting with someone I know". I know I'm a shitty person for that, but, seriously, no. I had a fucking micro panic attack when he asked me that, and had to spend some time calming myself down before I could coherently message him back that, no, tonight wasn't good, but tomorrow would work. He was very disappointed but agreed for tomorrow night. It's in his "calendar" so he doesn't forget. Okay, whatever. So now I have 24 hours to work myself up to do another fucking video chat, and it'll be interesting to see what he shows up in this time.

But I swear to dog that if he goes off on that "what about MEEEE?!" shit again, I am not going to suck it up. I am going to have a come to chuthullu moment with him, because, no. Unless your spouse is trying to murder you, or is spouting nazi rhetoric, THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING YOUR PARTNER. Or your friend. Or who the fuck ever.

And I feel partially responsible, because if I *had* urged his folks to commit him involuntarily, maybe he wouldn't have been out to assault her. Maybe he would have gotten the whatever he needed. He'd at least have been forced to take his fucking meds correctly for a few days. That couldn't have done anything but help.

But I'm really fucking regretting *ever* having answered him, right from the beginning, when it started with his dog. The dog is great. Little bit of a pain in my ass, since it's another body to deal with, but he's harmless and sweet and only a *tiny* bit of a pest. But if I had just ignored that ask, or said no, then maybe my friend would not have dragged me into his fucking circus that I feel somewhat trapped in now... and I really doubt that he would have called me at night to drive to another state to pick him up, thus cementing me as the "first among all of his circle of friends". I don't WANT to be first. I don't even want to be in that circle, to be honest. I get enough pressure to perform from my brain-injured friend. I don't need another fucking person pouring the foundation of their mental health upon the pilings of MY availability and attention! And yes, I know that makes me a shitty friend and a shitty person, but I can't. I just can't.

And there's a big part of me that just kinda wonders... we weren't this close of friends before. Not when I burned my house down. Not when I got a divorce. Not when my dad died. Not when I was injured and had to give up my DREAM. Not when my mom died. I only got an invitation to his wedding because our whole friend group got an invitation, not because of any other perceived or actual connection. We were never *this close*... until he needed someone and no one else would do it.

the firefighter part of me enjoys being the person people turn to for help. but there's a difference between asking for help, and taking advantage of... and i just keep trying to remember that, in the event of an emergency, you should always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting with anyone else's.

even if that makes me the shittiest person in the world.

#tw bipolar disorder #tw mental health crisis #cw bipolar disorder #cw mental health crisis #selfish bullshit and introspective musings #yes i know i suck but i have my own issues to deal with too

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

[ratcandy]

If I am Not Responding to You

I am:

- Busy - overwhelmed by too many messages/other things going on - not receiving the message for whatever reason (tumblr does this to me sometimes) - Not in the right headspace to respond

That last one is important! I'm sometimes just. Incapable of holding a conversation, and I just kinda drift off and away into the atmosphere as I struggle to regain Mental Stability for the two seconds it would take for me to respond. sometimes this action takes a lot longer than I would like it to. Depends on the day. yknow what i mean? I just. Can't Do It sometimes. but I've been getting better with telling people this. "I'm sorry, I'm not in the headspace to talk right now" and then On My Way! sdghkj I'm forever viciously torn between "I need to talk now now now now now i need to dump all my thoughts as fast as I can" and "i will never speak ever again" at all times. and it. sucks. but it's where I am

I am NOT:

- ignoring you with intent of angering you or pushing you away - upset with you -> In the case that I am upset with you, I would Let You Know! I can not and will not leave you in the dark over that sorta thing. If something you've done has upset me, you'll know! I will tell you! It might take me a bit to get the confidence to do so but I will Be Sure to Clue You In!

Main point I'm making is that. If I'm not responding to you for whatever reason, it's not personal. I have major athazagoraphobia and suffered a lot of silent treatment guilt trips from an Unfortunate Individual in my Life, so I can NOT do this to other people in good conscious. I try to make all this known any time someone tries to start conversation with me, on the inevitable chance I don't respond to a message for a long time. but. yknow. It might be a good idea to have a sorta masterpost like this so I don't have to explain it every time!

all in all sometimes talking is just hard for me and I go quiet for a long time. this is especially noticeable in servers or group chats. I mainly lurk for this reason shdgkjh. too much happening, too overwhelming, go crazy go stupid brain go kersplat!!

so uh. yea! i dunno what else to say here. but. yeah. undiagnosed mental illness maybe I will one day understand, but until then we sometimes just can't do that talking thing very good and we Simply Don't if we think it'll be too stressful or taxing. so. e

(warning for a bit of venting in the tags)

#time for guilt boys let's get it #I know it's. stupid to feel guilty over just. trying to stay mentally sound when things get overwhelming #but i feel so guilty every time i see a message in my inbox and i just. can't respond #because brain just. won't let it happen right. like. physically yeah I'm capable but I just can't bring forth the. energy? #to do it ''properly''? #i don't like giving people dry responses especially if they've sent me somethign important/they're passionate about #but. man. #fuck :( #and this sucks MORE during the times I WANT and WISH to talk to people because whadda hell!! conversation hard! #i feel guilt any time a conversation fails/dies like I hate this so much man #anyway. um. building on this. please don't send me a lot of messages if i'm not responding!! please that's just going to overwhelm me more #esp on tumblr god I hate the. sound it makes. the notif sound makes my anxiety go SKRRRRR #and for what. why do i function like this. i do not know. mental illness #well. might delete later #my brain is doing that thing where it tells me i'm being a bad person when I am just trying to take care of myself sometimes #yknow how it is #vent #i guess