#bro this is a shitpost do not perceive me

[umbramatic]

"Write a oneshot shitpost about the Super Mario Bros movie" I said. "It'll be fun and won't take ten million years because you've been writing at a snail's pace" I said. Well despite writing at a snail's pace it is HERE and you all have to DEAL WITH IT

Fruits Of The City

Pauline's first day as mayor of New York City had been... eventful.

First there had been the mysterious busted water main, which they still hadn't found the source of. But that was only the beginning. A massive castle full of turtles and other creatures had appeared from beneath Brooklyn. Two plumbers ended up fighting them off. 

And one of them was her old flame. 

No, no, she couldn't think about that now. She was about to be interrogated by US government agents. They were. Not happy, but she had to stay calm. 

She entered a dimly lit room and sat down on a rickety chair. A tall man in a suit and sunglasses entered shortly after, sitting across from her. 

'"So." he said. "We have a lot to go through."

"Look, I had no idea-" Pauline started to say. 

"What you knew is irrelevant. This is the biggest attack on American soil since 9/11."

Pauline narrowed her eyes. "I thought that was an inside j-"

"Also irrelevant. First off we need to know what you knew about this situation."

Pauline thought a bit. Did she have to tell this man about her and Mario? SHOULD she? 

"...Nothing, really. This was. All new to me."

"What about the pipe we discovered under the city streets? The one leading to this so-called Kingdom Of Mushrooms?"

"None of it," said Pauline. She was being truthful. Well except about that irritatingly sexy Italian-American man. 

"That's... concerning," said the man. "Then how did it get there?"

"Maybe the Mushroom Kingdomites put it there," said Pauline. "But why?"

"We're going to have to get to the bottom of this," said the man. "And since this city is your jurisdiction we're putting you in charge."

Pauline sighed. Of course this would end up on her shoulders. 

-----------------

Pauline was surveying the wreckage of where that strange floating castle had crashed into Brooklyn. The castle itself had been removed, sent back where it came, but there was rubble everywhere. There was a hole in a building shaped like that monkey. 

For some reason she hated that monkey. 

She turned away from it, choosing not to perceive it. Why did it have to come to this? Why was she saddled with this interdimensional nightmare? It felt childish to say so but it wasn't fair.

It was then she noticed something on a nearby TV. 

It was Mario. They were interviewing him and Luigi about the events. 

Pauline's heart started berating loudly in her chest. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. Why was she like this.

"So while I was there I met this Princess Peach," said Mario.

Pauline grew more flustered. How come SHE got to - 

No, no,   take it easy. Mario can do what he wants. Besides this Princess Peach seems like a nice woman with lovely hair and a nice figure and-

She blushed. Now she was jealous of Mario.

-------------

Pauline was now alone in her house. Her very lavish house, befitting the mayor. But also her very lonely house. Especially now it felt empty. 

She sighed and pulled out her phone. News articles showed more Mario. This was probably going to go for a while. 

More reminders. More conflict. More pain she wanted to leave behind.

She sighed and flopped back on her couch. Why were things like this?

Suddenly her phone rang. She picked it up. "Hello?" "Yes, this is Charles from the office. Someone wants to see you tomorrow morning."

Pauline raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"It's that monkey guy from the Mushroom Kingdom. Donkey Kong."

Pauline quickly paled. 

-----------------

The next morning in the mayoral office was about as quiet as usual. 

Up until it wasn't. 

A loud bang echoed through the office as the door was slammed open. In strode a literal 500 pound gorilla.

"Hell-O New York! DK! Donkey Kong! DK! Donkey Kong is here!"

Pauline let out a long, drawn-out sigh. She then got up from her desk and went over to the anthropomorphic ape."What do you want again?"

"Well you see..." said Donkey Kong. "I have a concern about who you're giving all the credit here. See, it's all Mariio, Mario, maybe Luigi, Mario. Give some credit to me! I helped save New Donk City too!"

Pauline rolled her  eyes. "It's New YORK City. And we'd have to make a lot of unnecessary calls to a lot of media corporations to even attempt to get that to happen."

"I thought you were the Top Banana," said Donkey Kong. 

"That's- that's not-" Pauline said, groaning.` "I am the mayor but I don't control EVERYTHING and what I do isn't always straightforward."

"Oh. That's lame."

Pauline let out another sigh. "Such is life."

"Yeah... Like, being son of the top banana has its perks but dad will never let me do anything."

Pauline laughed. "Your father gives you a hard time too?"

"Oh yeah! My dad never seems satisfied with anything I do!"

"Well the two of us are in the same boat then! One time-"

They continued on like this for a while, as they shifted from topic to topic, until-

-----------------

The two of them were sitting together at a restaurant table, pointedly ignoring any odd glances.Pauline idly ripped a glass of champagne while Donkey Kong gorged himself on banana fritters. Pauline eventually put her glass down and gave a pointed look at Donkey Kong. 

"So. What do you think of New York so far?"

Donkey Kong stopped eating and paused to think for a little too long. 

"It's... How do I say this? Sparkly. It's all very shiny. Hurts my eyes."

"Hurts the soul is what it does," said Pauline. "All the fake glitz and glamor really eats at you after a while."

"I only understood about half of those words but I think I get the gist." 

Pauline chuckled. "You're stupid. I like that in a monkey man."

"Kongs get by on brawn, not brains," said Donkey Kong, flexing his pecs. 

"Better brawn than greed. Avarice. The things keping this city down.:

"For being the top banana of this city you don't seem to like it much."

"New York's a dinosaur. A Dinohattan even. And I've only been a 'top banana', for a bit. And I became such because I wanted to make this city better. To help elevate it to what it could really be."

"...Wow. That sounds intense."

Pauline smirked. "Glad you think so."

"Maybe I should talk to my old man. An alliance between New York and the Kongs... now that'd be something."

"An alliance, huh?"

She put her hand on Donkey Kong's far more massive hand.

"What do you say we start that alliance in a way... tonight at my place."

The gears in Donkey Kong's head turned a good while before he realized what she meant and blushed vividly.

---------------------

Many things happened that night. A night of passion, a night of love. Connections were made, fires lit inside hearts. A new and passionate bond was formed. 

And it changed them forever. 

-----------------

The next day, Pauline and Donkey Kong walked down the streets of New York arm in arm. People stopped, ogled, stared, but did not pry. The two simply carried along and enjoyed the view of the Big Apple. 

...Though perhaps it WAS more of a big banana, Pauline thought.

+++

#super mario bros #the super mario bros movie #pauline #donkey kong #mario #shitpost #fanfiction

[incorrectdmp]

Tag Guide

i have finally updated this tag guide are yall proud of me.

General tags:

#quote / incorrect quotes: wowee it’s incorrect quotes its what this blog is for

#meme: it’s memes babey

#dmp/discord murder party: pretty much everything is tagged with this. this is less for blog navigation and more if anyone wants to search dmp on tumblr

#chaos van: sometimes! this blog ISN’T DMP actually!!! once chaos van starts or gets closer to starting i’m probably gonna rebrand this blog to be incorrect chaos van, but for now everything in this tag is Charlie/CG dynamics, and anything that hypothetically fits into the post-canon storyline! shevanigans ensue

#submission: submit stuff! either you or me will tag it as this!

#out of context spoilers: I do these whenever a new episode drops. dont click them if you dont want spoilers for the latest episode

#personal favourite: the best of the best babey. these are my personal favs, i tag em as such for easy access for anyone who wants the funniest content and also find some that are prime content to draw. yes i spell favourite correctly dont @ me

#working week / #camp streamix: sometimes i do quotes with these official aus. go wild. 

Character Tags:

#Murder God: I’ve fixed up the MG tag system because this bitch has 3000 names and we’re going with 3 of em depending on the point in the timeline. #murder god for anything from the in-show timeline, seasons 1-4. #charlie for anything specifically post when she takes on her new name in s4, but the MG tag is there for consistency. #cassie howards SPECIFICALLY for human MG and nothing else. all side b quotes with her fall under this. she changes so drastically as a person and so strongly doesn’t associate herself with cassie howards anymore that i believe it’s only fair to keep these tags entirely separate. 

#Doctor McGillicutty: hwat hwat science man but actually he’s super sad wowee 

#Vincent Reid: gun man take me by the hand lead to to the land mr team dad

#Grace Garden: gosh golly gee grace garden! you’ve sure got a tumblr tag!

#Tommy Gwendolyn: haha cancer arms gamer boy 

#Percy Blackwood: he was told to be there or be square and chose square c:

#Christine Forks: momther ;A;

#Juniper / Juniper NLN /  Junior :  okAY I THINK THIS IS MY FINAL SET OF TAGS FOR THIS FUCKER im gonna openly weep bro is perceiving me dont look at meeeee >:( (i love juniper)

#Valencia Lynch: she’s just vibin’ :)

#Thorin Blue: no longer baby, wants power

#Yugo Hernandez: i went to edit these tag descriptions and realized i forgot to unkill yugo. uhhhh insert crimes’ “i never kill characters” statement here. 

#Hailey Huang: TRANS RIGHTS POWER LESBIAN HELL YEAHHHH

#Ezra Crane: big man on caaaaaampus

#Stephen Cutter: pleasant ste :)

i dont have that many quotes for the other cutt men but they were more important to the plot than i originally anticipated so i’m putting them on here

#Guy le Cutaux: the moral of discord murder party is everyone can be redeemed, except the french

#Mr GcMillicutty: the worlds’ sexiest man but like SOMETIMES thats a joke and sometimes it’s not??? how can this man radiate vibes ranging from utterly rancid to weirdly hot to strangely adorable? 

#Chaos God / Ozolthog: the perfectly engineered concoction of tumblr sexyman (alastor), tumblr sexyman (spamton), and Your One Weird Uncle ™ combined with deep moral complexities, in which on this blog of maximum shitposting, the latter tends to be ignored. (both tags will be used for DMP quotes! just ozolthog will be used for chaos van!)

#Cernos / Kadath / Her /  Ælethias / Baku: i really need more black star quotes but like. theyre here, theyre queer, they fill me with much fear 

#Side B (also tagged with individual characters): side b gang gang pls submit more quotes for them i want content

#Zephirah: i had zephi on this blog mostly as a non canon joke but hey she’s actually a chaos van character uhhhh insert v-word joke here

There MAY be quotes on here with masks/minor characters/ reflections. i’m not sure i’ve tagged them all but if youre curious for content specific to one very particular character just search, i can’t guarantee i tagged it though

Fun tags!:

these tags are fun reoccurring trends in my blog, so if you wanna look for a specific kind of thing i tend to post a lot, here’s the tags i currently use:

#modern day adventures: sometimes the awakened from the past learn about modern day stuff. shenanigan ensue

#THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING: valencia and grace certainly have a dynamic. that dynamic is absolute petty hatred of each other. i love it.

#SHUT UP PERCY: this is mostly in a loving way but percy is a fucking dumbass and also is relentlessly bullied a lot

#shipping: perlencia, valezra, murder god and like. five other people. you want shipping content, it’s here!

#orange crayon: juniper and grace just bein’ buds. grace doesnt understand metaphors, and thus, the orange crayon

#group chat au: this is kind of more of a blanket for any quote that includes the awakened texting / mentioning them using phones because canonically they dont have access to that but the dmp twitters exist as well as the group chat au made on the fanserver

#let the child say fuck: thorin should not be allowed to do many of the things they are allowed to do. this makes for peak comedy

#i’ve connected the dots you didn’t connect shit: grace cannot interact with the cutt clan to save her life. makes for great comedy though.

#not quite incorrect: stuff that’s either ungodly in character or stuff that pretty much verbatim happened in canon 

#Requote: I’ve had this blog since like S2. Sometimes I just wanna redo old quotes with new, updated dynamics okay? CONTENT IS HARD

#not a quote #tag guide #sorry no quotes today i spent a long time organizing this and i might have missed stuff

[tapejob]

@lilprincetrashmouth thank you for the tag!! :D

1. why did you choose your url? honestly kind of appalled no one took this one before me? i think i’d just watched that puck personality tape job vid and then like two days after i made the blog that horrible hubba bubba tape job post appeared on my dash so. destiny.

2. any side blogs? that’s me! all my non-hockey mess is on my main @grate-idea 

3. how long have you been on tumblr? ugh like, 2016. started this one in march 2021 tho oops

4. do you have a queue tag? i queue things and don’t tag them because i suck majorly LMAO

5. why did you start your blog? compartmentalization so no one from my main gets annoyed from my hockey posts

6. why did you choose your pfp? mr. claude giroux my beloved. i owe my captain my life. yeah oops it’s been obscured from all the playoff posting but i really did start out as a flyers blog whdsfdjg

7. why did you choose your header? look at my two main dumbass teams existing together i miss you guys

8. what’s your post with the most notes? on this blog? that hockey love language uquiz lol

9. how many mutuals do you have? i have literally no idea because hockeyblr is simply just a mess of sideblogs, me included but just know that i love you all sincerely

10. how many followers do you have? 97. dude you know that thing when people see 87 and receive a psychic barrage by crosby? this but with mcdavid

11. how many people do you follow? 225 and counting!

12. have you ever made a shitpost? have i ever not

13. how often do you use tumblr each day? too often

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? bro imagine being perceived. but nah not my jam

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? depends on the content i guess

16. do you like tag games? yes!! love getting them <3

17. do you like ask games? yes but i don’t get enough asks on a consistent basis to do them lmao. love participating tho even if im usually on anon

18. which of your mutuals do you think are tumblr famous? wheeze probably all of them. y’all are all famous to me

ahhh tagging @reavenedges-lies @sophie83540 @maestad @starsofren @graves-makar @meresprite1847 @gee-roux @draikaesehoch @hockeypun @barbienoturbby @flybabyfly and whoever wants to do it <3

#tag game

[hookahmancer]

Coldsteel: Hot and Cold Part 8

Eggman in his lab noticing strange wave patterns and calls some of his bots over.

"Look at the graviton expenditure out in far space! This is insane!!!"

"It sure is HP Lovecraft..."

"Why didn't I build you useless paper weights to be as smart as me?"

"Cause you're A narcissist and would feel threatened by..." Eggman shoves one of their faces into the monitor

"Just look at the dot! It's green!"

"It says not to strongly interpret the dot..."

"Have you been shitposting on /X/ again sir?"

"Nevermind that! We need too find out what is causing these disturbances!"

Coldsteel and Amy are on a nice picnic smoking hookah, and Coldsteel is tormenting an ant keeping a pie crumb just out of it's grasp. "Heh! Nothing person-el kid..."

"Coldsteel can you stop being evil for like two seconds?"

"Fine!!!"

"SIMP!" "What? Who said that?!" "I did soy boy..."

Standing by a tree is Scourge smoking a hookah too.

"Who the fuck is this guy?!"

Amy blushes "he looks like Sonic...but...not?"

"Cause I am Sonic tater thot." "Tater thot?"

"Cause you're young, retarded, mind of a potato...tater thot."

Coldsteel looks at Amy "oooh that's good"

Amy pulls out her hammer. "I don't know who you think you are but..."

Scourge zips right pass her and grabs her hammer and smashes the whole pie.

"My pumpkin pie!!!" "You need to cut back on the carbs anyway chubs"

Coldsteel is rolling around the ground laughing while Amy growls and Coldsteel gets up pretending to be offended. "Now listen here pip squeak, I..."

"You what? You're the big gay?" "What?"

"What ain't no countty I ever hesrd of! Say what again, I dare you! I double dare you!"

Amy says "ahhh, pulp fiction reference..." Scourge splats her sandwiches too.

"Now you're just being RUDE!"

Sonic runs toward the commotion and sees the three of them.

"Coldsteel, Amy! And..."

"Scourge. You know me idiot. I'm like...you from a parallel universe or something."

"Oh right right. Yeah...Scourge!!! Tails do we know this guy?"

Tails shrugs.

"What sorta Mandela Effect shit is this? We've fought like a bajillion times. I basically turned your super Sonic form into ultra instinct."

"Ohhhh I remember" "don't patronize me"

Coldsteel now actually gets offended

"Back off poser! Sonic is MY arch nemesis who've gone toe to toe!"

"Actually we never fought..." "What?! That's so weird..."

"I know right? There was that time you made Tails fall in love with you and I called you a groomer, that time you kidnapped Amy, that time you tried to nuke the planet... But nope. Never fought."

"Huh...so weird..."

Scourge gets in front of Coldsteel

"Well unlike this nerd I don't back down from a fight. Why don't we throw down right now?"

Amy is getting hyped "yeah! Do it! All these hyper masculine hedgehogs throwing down, getting all sweaty and vicious, testosterone protruding from their pores..."

Coldsteel says "Amy you coomer!" Scourge mutters

"She's a weird one..." And winks at her "I likem a little weird..."

She squeals a high pitch girly shrill and Coldsteel says "Sonic, let's double team this guy!"

Amy says "double team me!" They all get grossed out and Coldsteel yells "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Eggman is zooming on his hovercraft "Stooooop!!!!"

Sonic looks up "oh great now Robuttnik is here..."

"And now I'm as dry as these crossaints Coldsteel made..."

"Hey I don't bake! I vape!" "Gay..." Mutters Scourge

"You vape too!" "Boys vape, men smoke."

Eggman gets off the hovercraft panting and flailing his arms

"None of you hedgehogs do anything!!!" Tails mutters "that's what they're best at..."

"I now see what the graviton leaks are about...Coldsteel, and umm..."

"Scourge. I'm not saying it again..."

"Yeah yeah sure. Scourge!!! You both are cold!"

"Heh...well I am cold hearted..." Says Coldsteel and Scourge says "I'm cool not cold"

"No no no! You're BOTH Coldsteel!"

Sonic crosses his arms... "Is this gonna turn into some sorta pseudo scientific babble?"

Eggman uses a remote to turn on a hologram billboard "oh God it is...later" Sonic dashes off and Tails runs after Sonic "Sonic don't leave me here to deal with this contrived plot point alone!!!"

Eggman explains

"Space and time are both neatly defined parameters... However, it is possible to distort space to go back in time, creating an alternate timeline. Scourge...have you ever gone back in time? To do so could have the you as in Coldsteel, turn into Coldsteel as we know him but you remember Scourge."

"Can't say that I have Eggman..." He blows hookah smoke in his face and Eggman smacks it away

"An alternative is that someone from a specific moment in time distorts space enough to basically leak variables through their synchronized flow into what we perceive to be the now. Coldsteel, have you attempted time travel or stolen one of my inventions to go at speeds bordering on Tau zero to rip space and have quantum likenesses emerge from..."

"That sounds way too much like work. I wouldn't even do that shit for Amy."

Scourge says "hell yeah, bros before hoes!" They high five and Amy grumbles "I need to keep an extra hammer with me..."

Eggman nods and fidgets his mustache "mmmhmm mmmhmm...well than it's worse than I thought. Coldsteel or...Scourge. One of you is what I like to call an ordained cannon. Or o.c. if you will."

Scourge says "which means?"

"Which means one of you is real...and the other is not. One of you is the byproduct of the distortion between both space AND time. Not from a parallel world, not from an alternate timeline, you are an anomaly that will eventually correct itself...hopefully."

Amy rants at Eggman "well than it has to be this green booger looking Sonic! I don't remember him, hell you don't Eggman!"

"Not necessarily Amy... Because we're messing with both space and time here, we might have no recollection of one or both of them. This whole thing will have never happened if the unrealing event transpires. We would be none the wiser to it. Imagine if you will we never had this conversation, and in no place or time did it ever take place...that is unrealing. It is the omni death. It's all really spooky and dates back to what Christian scholars believed the second death was."

Coldsteel walks up "heh...I'm down for some spooky villainy! I wanna unreal Sonic!"

"But than you would unreal ME dumb ass because I AM Sonic! I told you, I'm just evil Sonic!"

"Nothing person-el kid!" Scourge kicks Coldsteel in the nuts and he whimpers "my deviantarts!!!"

Amy is struggling to take off her boots jumping around and wiggling her skirt "don't go breaking the China just yet!"

Eggman has this disgusted expression on his face "Amy what are you doing?"

"You said eventually this'll correct itself. So I'm gonna take this opportunity to get gang banged by two countem TWO Sonics!"

"That is a terrible idea!"

"Oh look out guys, we've been given a citation by the fun police..." Sarcastically announces Scourge.

Amy pokes Eggman in the eye "Yeah Robutthead! Stop trying to be a discord mod!"

"Ow! It's not like that! I mean don't get me wrong I do not wanna start my day watching Animal Planet."

"Than leave" says Scourge but Amy shushes him putting her finger on his mouth.

"No...I WANT HIM TO WATCH" Coldsteel just mutters "ew..."

Eggman screams at Amy

"What part of o.c. don't you understand woman?! Have you even thought about the significant damages this could have on the space-time continuem?! No, you haven't. Cause you're a young, hormonal, stupid little hedgehog! You get pregnant, then we have another o.c. to deal with, which could further distort the canon...and..."

Amy blushes "kids?!" Scourge raises an eyebrow "do you want kids?"

"I don't know...do you?" Coldsteel gets between them

"UHHH NOTHING PESON-EL KIDS, BUT I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS WHOLE SITUATION"

They suddenly turn into the embie, Chud, and bunkercuck meme "I consent", " I consent", "I don't..." and Eggman in a small corner "is there somebody you forgot to ask?"

Amy gently explains it to Coldsteel

"Coldsteeeel, it's literally just you. Like... This is literally monogamy as you're both the same person. How many times does a girl get a chance like this to buck break her own man? With himself?"

They then turn into the meme where Coldsteel has a gun to the back of Coldsteel's head (trust no-one...not even yourself)

Eggman looks around "the distortion is worsening..."

Coldsteel sighs "FINE!!! Eggman, just...go over there in the bushes or something."

Amy puts her finger on Coldsteel's lips shushing him and evily smirks "No...I WANT HIM TO WATCH!"

Everyone goes kind of quiet. Scourge breaks the tension

"You literally just said that..." "I did?"

Eggman is pulling at his mustache at this point.

"This can't go on! The disruption is too severe!!!! This is like Sega as a company shuts down levels of breaking canon here!"

"Heh, nothing person-el kid..." "Shut up!" Eggman blasts Coldsteel with a ray gun and Scourge says "wait did I say that, or...did I say that?"

Sonic and Tails come back.

"Ok, me and Tails talked it out and I think we have a way to settle this..."

Eggman sarcastically says "It better not be another movie reference. It's such low hanging fruit..."

All of a sudden Coldsteel and Scourge are on a stage with guitars like Marty from Back To The Future singing to Amy while they both look very ill and sweaty and become incorporal

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k5VxvFOxB-U

Eggman just yells "God...DAMN IT!!!"

Sonic with his arms cross mutters to Tails "huh...doesn't look like it's working."

"I told you we should've watched all three again."

Coldsteel throws down his guitar and says "enough of this! Eggman... Can one of us choose to be unrealed?"

Eggman puts his hand to his chin and contemplates "I mean...I suppose it's worth a try. I don't know how..."

"Cause frankly I find this whole thing stupid!"

Sonic says "well yeah!" Tails punches Sonic in the shoulder.

"I offer myself as tribute..." Amy runs up to Coldsteel crying "Coldsteel no!"

"Its ok Amy. You won't remember any of this right? You'll still be with me...I guess... And that's enough for me. Even if they're not these memories, as long as they're my and your memories than no-one in time or space can take that from us."

Scourge walks up to him and shoves Coldsteel "oh no you don't! I'm not allowing myself to have a redemption arc! I nominate myself as unrealed to get rid of all the mods in the multiverse!"

Everyone just kind of looks confused and Eggman speaks raising his eyebrow "how would that work?"

"I don't know but I ain't dying in no time or place for a girl! If I go it's for something worth while!"

"Amy is worthwhile!" Yells Coldsteel at Scourge who shoves him again

"Yeah yeah, she's cute... But is that how we define ourselves? Through some hoity toity love affair? Or are we more than that?"

"So we define ourselves by just our hatred and resentments?"

Shadow is on top of the curtain rod and crassly says "interesting...justice versus vengeance."

Everyone gasps and says Shadow and Scourge looks around raises his hand up

"Who the fuck is THAT?! Was he from the Archie comics?!"

Shadow lands down kneeling rising up. Scourge mutters

"Oh I see...he's the cool dark brooding guy... Fuck you blackface Sonic."

Shadow walks right pass Coldsteel and Scourge up to Amy.

"You have to be the one to decide Amy."

"W...why me?"

Eggman takes out a calculator and mumbles to himself

"You know, that actually makes sense!"

"Both of these clowns have lived their whole lives trying to make metaphysics applicable through dialectical materialism."

Amy nods "those are definitely words..."

"It's like Sartre said; freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. From what I've gathered...both these guys have been defining themselves by just being bitter jackasses who happen to hate mods."

"And hookah" says Scourge and Coldsteel high fives him and they look perplexed

"I feel like we just did that not too long ago..." "Maybe we should sing what's new pussycat" "let's not and say we did"

Shadow looks at them annoyed and turns back "ANYWAY...now they've had a third thing to define their existence. You. Someone who appreciates them despite their..."

Coldsteel and Scourge are setting up hookah and arguing over cinnamon roll or double apple flavor.

"FLAWS... Your man needs you Amy. Whoever that might be."

Amy looks at both of them tearing up as they smoke and wave at her.

Sonic rolls his eyes and groans

"What's the big deal?! They're the same person!"

Tails scolds Sonic "Its an existential thought experiment Sonic! Shadow is saying that Coldsteel and Scourge are defined by a series of Axioms. An axiom is an irreducible primary. It does not rely on anything to be valid."

Sonic nods "those are definitely words..." Tails smacks his own face.

"If we know these truths to be self evident that we as living persons are defined by our desires, our likes, our dislikes, our memories... What are we without them? We're nothing."

Eggman interjects "hence unrealed..."

"And what is one of those Axioms? Loving Amy."

"But isn't he just me anyway?"

Eggman interjects again "yeah but the blue you is just really stupid..."

"Thanks Robotdick..."

Tails finishes "therefore the most villainous thing they could think of to do, was to place the burden onto Amy. In the ultimate testament of radical freedom, they're leaving her to decide what is the dominant axiom. What is at the top of a man's soul? Before anything else...you get amnesia and don't remember your name, your parents, your favorite food, what axiom so vividly is yours, that it can transcend being erased by circumstances? If Scourge got rid of all the mods would he still be Scourge and I don't know, just be a simp?"

Scourge smokes and points at Coldsteel "like this guy" Coldsteel grabs the hose "quit being a smoke hog nig!" Coldsteel starts smoking...

Tails continues "If they didn't have their passion for smoking what would be their passion? Would they just be like SUPER EVIL and hate everything?"

Scourge mutters "I mean...I kinda do...this cinnamon roll AND double apple mint tastes like ass together."

Amy yells at both of them "you all were supposed to be eating MY ass!" Coldsteel and Scourge say at the same time "not it!"

Tails points to Amy "or are they defined by her?"

Sonic inhales deeply "WOW this is way too fucking deep for Sonic the hedgehog..."

Amy yells again "and yet no-one is going that deep into me! CURIOUS!!!"

Eggman has a portable radar ringing and says "Well Amy if you're going to make a decision you better do it quickly. Something is coming this way that is also distorting space and time."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WE3a68G5afo

Amy panicking looking back and fourth "its like one of those game shows with two doors to choose..." Eggman says "but only one bares your name"

Coldsteel and Scourge start laughing like Beavis and Butthead.

Sonic says "how is that even in relation?!" Shadow tells Sonic "Beavis and Butthead used to play rock and metal song videos when regular MTV wouldn't..."

"How would anyone younger than fossil KNOW THAT?!"

#sonic memes #sonic fanfiction

[muses14]

Original 151 Poke’mon

And what it says about you! By: James Grebey This is a fun read! :D Bulbasaur — You’re accessible, reliable, and don’t like to be challenged. If you did like a challenge, you wouldn’t have chosen the starter that can steamroll the first two gyms. Ivysaur — You’re starting to be a “real adult,” so you pay your own cell-phone bill. Venusaur — You’ve had to deal with several rounds of layoffs and all sorts of bullshit, and your body hurts and you’re just goddamn tired and full of resentment. Charmander — You’ve fooled everyone—maybe even yourself—into thinking that you’re all cute and sweet, but there is a fire inside you and you are ready to let folks know that they’ve wronged you. Charmeleon — Your favorite soda is Diet Mountain Dew. Charizard —  You think of yourself as a scrappy underdog, despite being undeniably popular and powerful. Ninety percent chance you’re a Boston sports fan. Squirtle — You’re sweet and innocent and are blessed with the ability to rock any pair of sunglasses. Wartortle — You’re a little upset when people don’t comment on your new haircut, even though you totally did not get it for the attention. Blastoise — Your favorite genre of movie is military documentary. Caterpie — You have low expectations for yourself, but the key is finding joy in the ordinary. Metapod — You would eat undercooked chicken when you ordered a salad rather than tell the waiter that they got your order wrong. Butterfree — You’re still deeply scarred by that episode of Pokémon where Ash says goodbye to his Butterfree, and that emotional trauma is the only reason why you haven’t picked a better Pokémon to be your favorite. Weedle — Contrary to the saying, you do not know when you’ve been insulted. Kakuna — You remember every single slight that’s ever been leveled against you, real and perceived. Beedrill — You have forgotten about at least one of your tattoos. Pidgey — People wrongly assume that you can’t keep a secret, but you’re actually extremely trustworthy, and it’s a little hurtful, actually, that people think they can’t confide in you. Pidgeotto — You attempted to start going by your middle name when you went off to college, but it didn’t stick. Pidgeot — You don’t participate in the group text thread much, but whenever you do chime in, it’s a knockout. Rattata —  You’re a tattletale. Raticate — There’s a pizza box somewhere in your bedroom, right now. Spearow — You push away people who are only trying to help. Fearow — You have stabbed somebody, or at least seriously, seriously considered it. Ekans — Deep in your heart, you know that you’re a Slytherin. Arbok — You proudly self-identify as a Slytherin. Pikachu — Ya basic. Raichu — You think that those rentable scooter start-ups are good, actually. Sandshrew — You have a rich inner life, and you’re secure enough that you don’t feel the need to always be a part of every conversation. Sandslash — Nobody ever really knows what you’re thinking, and it keeps people on edge. Nidoran♀ — You’re deeply upset about what’s happened to Tumblr. Nidorina — You would be onboard a “Hillary 2020” campaign. Nidoqueen — You listen to Lemonade once a day. Nidoran♂ — You probably have some personal biases that you should really address. Nidorino — Inexplicably, you are super, super into soccer, or, as you call it, “football.” Nidoking — In lieu of a personality, you are really into bourbon and craft beer. Clefairy — You would die for Carly Rae Jepsen. Clefable — You can utterly destroy somebody’s sense of self-worth and self-confidence with just the briefest of withering looks. Vulpix — You have dabbled in crystals. Ninetales — You’ve tried running the way they do in Naruto at least once because, well, what if it really is faster that way? Jigglypuff — You want to be the center of attention, yet you cannot handle even the mildest criticism. Wigglytuff — You are deeply invested in the Royal Family. Zubat — You are extremely annoying, and everyone wishes you would stop bothering them!!!! Christ, I’m just trying to walk through this cave in peace!!! Golbat — You nasty. Oddish — You have fallen prey to a multilevel-marketing scheme you learned about on Instagram, and you just don’t know it yet. Gloom — You forgot to put on deodorant, and even though you smell fine (it’s really not a big deal), you are mortified and want to die. Vileplume — You’ve uploaded multiple YouTube videos that begin with “Hey guys, sorry it’s been so long since my last video!” Paras — You’re just trying to get by, man. Parasect — You are Too Online, and it has poisoned your brain. Venonat — Bernie Bro. Venomoth — You’re a Warren G. Diglett — First dates always go well for you, but the person you’re dating will soon discover that you have a lot of stuff going on under the surface. Dugtrio — You’re almost never seen without the company of your best friends in the whole world, and you are terrified about what will happen if anybody moves away. Meowth — You were the class clown in high school, and in retrospect you probably deserved all those suspensions. Persian — You do not have any student loans. Psyduck — You use Tweetdeck to view Twitter, and you’re constantly confused and upset. Golduck — You deleted your Facebook account, but you can keep tabs on your friends with both of your Instagram accounts, so it’s pretty much the same. Mankey — You have punched an authority figure at least once. Primeape — You have punched an authority figure at least once...and won. Growlithe — You don’t love it when people don’t follow rules, but you’re extremely loyal, so you’d never make a big deal of it. Arcanine — You would like to speak to the manager. Poliwag — You go along with the flow out of necessity. Poliwhirl — You are Jason E. Christian, and you live at 23rd East Walnut Lane in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Yes, Jason, we know where you live, and we know what you’ve done. Don’t try to deny it, and don’t try to hide. Poliwrath — You knew multiple yo-yo tricks when you were a kid, and could probably still walk the dog if somebody gave you a yo-yo, even though you’ve largely put such childish things behind you. Abra — You have made important life decisions based on astrology. Kadabra — You took an online IQ test, and because you were happy with the result, you take it as gospel. Alakazam — You’re a mod for several important subreddits. Machop — You’re excited for the tub of protein powder you ordered from Amazon to get here already. Machoke — Machoke me, daddy. Machamp — Remember Big Dick Energy? You have the opposite of that. Bellsprout — You are in way over your head. Weepinbell — You were recently ghosted. Victreebel — You recently ghosted somebody. Tentacool — You think it’s funny to call sports “sportsball.” Tentacruel — You are lurking behind the scenes, waiting for your moment. Geodude — You’re a 14-year-old Men’s Rights Activist. Graveler — MAGA. Golem — You’re a dad who drinks exclusively Milwaukee's Best. IPAs have too much flavor. Ponyta — You’re a horse girl (or horse guy, but you for sure were an enthusiastic junior equestrian). Rapidash — You have never taken a public bus, and you don’t ever plan to. Slowpoke — The people who make fun of you secretly envy you. Slowbro — You just want to relax and not worry about things, but somebody is always riding your ass. Magnemite — You never miss trivia night at your favorite bar, and you take the competition super seriously. Magneton — You never miss trivia night at your favorite bar, but because your friends carry most of the weight, you view it as a weekly opportunity to get sloshed. Farfetch'd — You host a podcast about bad movies that you started with your buddy. Weekly downloads average in the dozens. Doduo — You are paralyzed by even the most minor decisions. Dodrio — After weighing all the options, you then just say “fuck it” and go with your gut. Results have been mixed. Seel — Just happy to be here. Dewgong — You follow multiple National Geographic and wildlife accounts on Instagram, and those commercials about abused animals make you cry every time. Grimer — You’re trashy as hell, but you own it. Muk — You’re trashy as hell, but not in a cute or kitschy way. Shellder — Ariana Grande would hate you. Cloyster — Everything you do is vaguely sexual. Gastly — You shitpost online. Haunter — You are an online troll. Gengar — You steal people’s jokes and post them on your own viral Instagram account. Onix — You have a lot of opinions about “kids these days.” Drowzee — Your allergy medicine is really slowing down your roll. Hypno — You have serious “creepy uncle” vibes. You are not actually an uncle. Krabby — Honestly, given all the stress you’re under, you’re pretty goddamn calm, all things considered. Kingler — You’re always inviting yourself to have a taste of someone’s meal or split a dessert with them, even though they maybe wanted a whole dessert, Kingler — You can order your own instead of stealing half of mine. Voltorb — You’re keeping your mouth good and shut, and it is the only reason you haven’t been fired. Electrode — Premature ejaculation : ( Exeggcute — Part of you is broken. Exeggutor — The funniest movie you’ve ever seen is Billy Madison, and The Waterboy is a close second. Cubone — You own a Corpse Bride T-shirt you bought at Hot Topic because it’s goth. Marowak — Your emo phase resulted in you getting a face tattoo. Hitmonlee — Your least favorite day of the entire year is January 1, because you can’t deal with all of these poseurs ruining your workout because their New Year’s resolution was to go to the gym. Hitmonchan — Given how much you pay for the membership and for all the fancy workout clothes and equipment, you should really go to the gym more. You look the part, though. Lickitung — You are a generous lover, yet somehow unnervingly so. Koffing — Vape influencer. Weezing — Can smoking weed give you black lung disease? You’re determined to find out. Rhyhorn — You’re very goal-oriented but don’t really do “outside-the-box” thinking. Rhydon — You are always ready to rumble. Chansey — You live a very sheltered life. Tangela — Your online browsing history is an absolute nightmare, and your greatest fear is somebody seeing what kind of weird stuff you’re doing on the web. Kangaskhan — Wine mom. Horsea — You’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life. Seadra — You own multiple leather jackets. Goldeen —  You have the Sweetgreen app downloaded to your phone, and you use it pretty much every day. Seaking — Everybody is lying to you, and you had no idea until just now. Staryu — You delete posts when they don’t get enough likes. Starmie — You claim to have famous friends. Mr. Mime — You have a humiliation fetish. Scyther — When everyone was busy partying, you studied the blade. Jynx — You have been canceled due to old tweets. Electabuzz — You still mourn the demise of Four Loko. Magmar — You have unironically worn a fedora and don’t have any friends who are close enough with you that they’ll tell you the truth. Pinsir — You want DC to #ReleaseTheSnyderCut. Tauros — You’re sorry, you thought this was America! Magikarp — You’re just going through a rough patch, it’ll be okay. Probably. Gyarados — You’re overcompensating. Lapras — Your friends love you for being “Team Mom” and making sure everyone gets home when someone has a little too much to drink, but deep down you wish they could just be a little more responsible so that you wouldn’t have to make sure they don’t drown in a pond every single time you go to the bars. Ditto — You’re adaptable but have chronic imposter syndrome. Eevee — You can get away with a lot, and nobody will really get mad at you. This won’t last. Vaporeon — You’re a brunch aficionado. Jolteon — You love a good 5K and taking your company softball team very seriously. Flareon — You would never buy something off the rack. Porygon — You have an idea for an app that’ll really disrupt things. Omanyte — You are sitting on an incredibly hot take that you’re kind of nervous about sharing. Omastar — You have a lot of opinions about how bad Daenerys’s military tactics are on Game of Thrones. Kabuto — You prefer subs, not dubs. Kabutops — Your Super Smash Bros. pick is Fox, and you will only play Final Destination with no items. Aerodactyl — You’ve been single for a long time and it’s a little hard to get back in the dating game, but you’re trying and that’s what matters. Snorlax — Honestly, happier and more content than any other Pokémon on this entire list. God, I envy it. Articuno — It takes you a long time to figure out what outfit you’re going to wear, but once you’ve finally picked something from your closet, you always look good. Zapdos — Your mother really wishes you wouldn’t swear so much. Moltres — Your life is constantly a flaming mess and you’re always teetering on the edge of collapse, but somehow you’ve tricked everyone into thinking that you’re doing great and are always in control. Dratini — Your “I want to be a marine biologist" phase lasted longer than most. Dragonair — You were the editor of your high school newspaper, and you served on student council. Dragonite — You’re not like regular bosses, you’re a cool boss (until somebody fucks up). Mewtwo — You’re overpowered. This is bullshit, you shouldn’t be able to pick Mewtwo as your favorite Pokémon. Stop being a jerk and pick another. This isn’t fair. Mew — You’re baby.

#muses