Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????
Also on ao3
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Chapter 10: Romantic Advice And The Greatest Rap Battle In History
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CG: HEY, DAVE.
CG: I TRIED TO TROLL YOU YESTERDAY, BUT IT SAID YOU WERE IDLE.
CG: ARE YOU HERE NOW?
TG: you bet your bottom dollar im here
TG: sorry for not answering yesterday btw
TG: got distracted by a bunch of other people pestering and trolling me
CG: IT’S FINE.
CG: WE ALL GET BOMBARDED BY OTHERS AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER.
CG: WHO DID YOU TALK TO?
TG: some of my friends who you also apparently know or knew
TG: i learned a lot of shit yesterday
TG: namely that all of my friends know who you are
TG: jade knows who you are
TG: john knows who you are
TG: terezi knows who you are but that was kind of expected but i did not expect that you were friends with her since fucking kindergarten
TG: and then also aradia apparently was friends with you in middle school????
CG: WHAT?
CG: YOU TALKED TO ARADIA?
CG: GEEZ, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.
CG: HAS SHE DIED YET?
TG: not that i know of
TG: as far as i know she is as nice and cheerful as ever
CG: CHEERFUL?
CG: CLEARLY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SAME ARADIA.
TG: so you arent talking about aradia megido here
CG: I AM, BUT CHEERFUL IS PROBABLY THE LAST WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE HER.
CG: SHE WAS ALWAYS KIND OF CREEPY, AND SHE ACTED DEAD HALF THE TIME.
CG: SHE ALSO DID A BUNCH OF CRAZY SHIT AS IF SHE COULDN'T DIE.
CG: IT WAS, FRANKLY, EXTREMLY CONCERNING.
TG: that doesnt sound like the ara i know at all
TG: except for the crazy shit part
TG: she still does crazy shit
TG: the ara i know is super fucking cheerful and happy
TG: wait when you say she acted dead what do you mean
CG: I MEAN SHE ACTED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.
CG: IT WAS HONESTLY SUPER CREEPY.
CG: THE ONLY TIME I REMEMBER THAT SHE SHOWED SOME EMOTION WAS WHEN EQUIUS TRIED TO ASK HER OUT.
CG: TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T EXACTLY DO IT IN THE BEST WAY.
CG: HE KIND OF DESERVED TO GET BEAT UP.
TG: holy shit
TG: i dont know who the fuck equius is but what was the damage
CG: HE HAD A BROKEN BONE OR TWO, AND HE ALSO HAD TWO BLACK EYES.
CG: WHICH WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE SINCE HE WAS SUPER FUCKING BUFF AND KNEW MARTIAL ARTS.
TG: can a middle school child be buff
CG: YES. APPARANTLY.
CG: AND, AS MUCH AS NEPETA THOUGHT THE PAIRING WAS CUTE, SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE TO ADMIT THAT THE WAY EQUIUS ASKED ARADIA OUT WAS CREEPY.
TG: how did he even ask her out
CG: IT'S A MEMORY I PREFER TO KEEP REPRESSED.
TG: that bad
CG: YES.
CG: IT WAS HORRIBLE TO WATCH, AND THEN ARADIA GOT SUSPENDED FOR AN AMOUNT OF TIME.
TG: she did it at school???
CG: SHE DID.
CG: SHE ALSO DIDN'T OFFER ANY MERCY.
CG: THE ONLY REASON THAT SHE STOPPED BEATING UP EQUIUS IS BECAUSE A TEACHER MANAGED TO PRY HER OFF HIM.
TG: jesus christ
TG: i wasnt even sure that aradia was capable of being angry
TG: she was clearly a very different kind of person when she knew you
CG: CLEARLY.
TG: also i dont know who nepeta is either
CG: SHE WAS EQUIUS'S MOIRAIL.
CG: SHE STILL IS, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
CG: I TALK TO HER SEMI-OFTEN.
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO HER MORE.
TG: how many of your friends from middle school do you still even know and talk to
CG: WELL, I STILL TALK TO NEPETA, KANAYA, TEREZI, SOLLUX, AND ERIDAN.
CG: SOMETIMES I HAVE THE DISPLEASURE OF TALKING TO EQUIUS.
CG: GAMZEE STILL CONTACTS ME SOMETIMES, BUT I TRY TO AVOID TALKING WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST.
CG: I'VE BARELY HEARD ABOUT VRISKA SINCE SHE WENT TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING.
CG: I CAN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, REMEMBER FOR WHAT, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOR STEALING SOMETHING.
CG: AND THEN I DON'T REALLY TALK TO FEFERI, TAVROS, OR ARADIA ANYMORE.
CG: I THINK THAT'S BASICALLY EVERYONE I WAS FRIENDS WITH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
TG: holy shit thats a shit ton of people
TG: when i was in middle school i was only friends with john jade and rose
TG: and rose was my fucking twin and john and jade lived miles and miles away from me
TG: and you still talk to a bunch of them
TG: even if i dont know who most of them are but will probably find out eventually
TG: i think john once dated a girl named vriska
TG: dont know if it is the same one
CG: WAS SHE WEIRDLY OBSESSED WITH SPIDERS AND THE NUMBER EIGHT?
TG: she was actually
CG: THEN IT WAS THE SAME ONE I KNEW.
TG: shit
TG: john still has lingering effects of her influence
TG: like typing out eight characters when drawing words out
CG: WELL, SHE WASN'T DATING JOHN WHEN I MET HIM, SO SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF JAIL.
TG: well i guess that development is settled
TG: i apparently know a fair amount of the people you knew
TG: who would have guessed
CG: PROBABLY ANYONE WHO KNEW BOTH OF US
CG: ALSO, COULD I ASK YOU FOR ARADIA'S TROLLHANDLE?
CG: I WAS BEING SERIOUS WHEN I SAID I HADN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.
CG: AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE STILL HAS THE SAME TROLLHANDLE.
TG: sure thing dude
TG: her trollhandle is apocalypsearisen
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL THE SAME.
CG: I COULD HAVE CONTACTED HER AT ANY FUCKING TIME.
TG: i wouldnt worry about it that much
TG: you probably just didnt want to risk contacting someone super weird who you didnt actually know anything about
CG: I GUESS, BUT STILL.
TG: besides it is super hard to get a hold of her at all so i only really ever talk to her like once every few months
TG: she does all this archeology shit so half the time she is in a place with no internet
CG: OH.
CG: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.
CG: ARCHEOLOGY IS PRETTY COOL THOUGH.
TG: yeah she gets to lead expeditions and shit now its pretty fucking awesome
TG: going around licking shit to see if something is a rock or a bone
CG: WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU GO AROUND LICKING RANDOM THINGS TO SEE IF IT IS A ROCK OR A BONE?
TG: because if it is a bone then your tongue will stick
TG: thats how you know its not going to be useless if you shove it into a museum
CG: THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.
TG: you havent even heard about licking some thousand or something year old honey to see if it was still good
TG: spoilers
TG: it was because honey never spoils
CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.
TG: no man its one hundred percent true
TG: complete and absolute fact
CG: I'M STILL GOING TO CALL BULLSHIT.
TG: dont say i didnt warn ya
TG: one day youre going to be arguing with someone and then youll both look it up on wikipedia to see whos right
TG: and low and behold you were wrong
TG: you will have to live with that humiliation for the rest of your life
CG: I THINK I'LL GET OVER IT.
TG: wow okay
CG: ANYWAY, I'M GLAD ARADIA IS DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE PRESUMABLY ENJOYS WITH HER LIFE.
CG: SHE DOES ENJOY HER JOB, RIGHT?
TG: hell yeah she does
TG: every time i contact her we trade stories about things that have happened in the past few months
TG: sometimes really dumb shit happens that we tell to our other friends
TG: while others are closely guarded secrets that we only tell one another and they never see the light of day
CG: WHAT KIND OF SECRETS?
TG: secret secrets
TG: the most secrety kind of secrets you could ever conceivably have and share with another living thing that has the capability to tell others your secret
TG: except that you trust them enough not to tell anybody about it
CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU ONLY TALK TO HER ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS?
TG: yeah i would like to talk to her more but she is a busy person and so am i
TG: our schedules dont always line up
TG: particularly because of her going to places where she doesnt have internet and is therefore unable to contact anybody
CG: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SHITTY.
CG: I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT TALKING TO KANAYA FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.
TG: its a system that works just fine for aradia and i
TG: it would be nice to see her in person every now and then tho
CG: WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.
CG: HOWEVER, IT MAY BE KIND OF PERSONAL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
TG: ill answer depending on the question so go ahead and shoot
CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA?
CG: BECAUSE A LOT OF THE STUFF YOU DESCRIBED TALKING TO HER ABOUT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD ONLY EVER TELL YOUR MOIRAIL.
TG: oh um
TG: moirail is like the intimate best friend right
TG: like pale and shit
CG: YES. THAT IS THE QUADRANT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
TG: ...
TG: i actually have no idea
CG: OKAY, SO IF YOU TWO AREN'T OFFICIAL MOIRAILS YET, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER?
TG: shit man i dont know
TG: i just kind of think that shes a cool person who i would prefer to hang out with more
TG: but like i know that her job is important to her
CG: YES?
TG: i dont know its just like
TG: it would be nice to hear more from her
TG: just to know that shes alive and doing well and safe and shit
TG: you know
CG: YES, I DO KNOW.
CG: BECAUSE I HAVE A MOIRAIL, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT HERE.
TG: oh
TG: huh
TG: i feel like my previous definition is an intimate friend was kind of correct then
TG: but like also kind of not
TG: im not exactly sure how serious this kind of relationship is though
CG: IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE MOIRAILS WITH.
CG: FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS COMMITMENT, BUT, FOR OTHERS, IT'S MORE CASUAL.
CG: SOME EVEN WANT TO HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, WHICH IS MORE COMMON WITH HUMANS, BUT WHATEVER.
CG: REALLY, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO ARADIA ABOUT THIS AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.
CG: IF THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN SHARING SECRETS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE, THEN SHE PROBABLY FEELS THE SAME WAY.
CG: ALTHOUGH, THE RELATIONSHIP MAY BE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN BECAUSE OF DISTANCE.
CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HASN'T BEEN DIMINISHED FROM TIME AND DISTANCE, SO IT MIGHT HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO TURN INTO A STRONG MOIRALLEGIANCE.
TG: i think im going to think on it for a bit longer
TG: but thanks anyway for the relationship advice
CG: OF COURSE.
CG: ROMANCE IS MY FORTE.
TG: speaking of romance though
TG: talk to me about your novel
TG: it sounds pretty interesting from what little i have heard about it
TG: and based on the amount of writing i have read from you its really good
TG: so you should totally yell at the top of your lungs about it
TG: shout your passions to the world and if anyone gives you shit about it punch them
CG: I DO THAT ANYWAYS.
CG: I HAVE PUNCHED MULTIPLE PEOPLE.
CG: THERE IS REALLY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE IT.
TG: thats the spirit
TG: so novel time
TG: lay out your outline of novel in amazing detail for me
TG: or whatever amount you feel comfortable with
TG: really there isnt any pressure or anything
CG: FINE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO INSISTENT.
CG: THE BASIC SETTING OF MY NOVEL IS THAT TWO INDIVIDUALS MEET WHILE IN COLLEGE.
CG: THEY MEET IN A TEA SHOP BECAUSE I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
CG: SO ANYWAY, WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, THEY FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER.
CG: THEY'RE JUST COMPLETE OPPOSITES, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT A BUNCH OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER, SO THEY END UP SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER.
CG: THE MORE TIME THEY SPEND TOGETHER, THE MORE THEY REALIZE THAT THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: WHICH EVENTUALLY LEADS TO THEM FALLING IN LOVE AND BEGINNING TO DATE.
TG: that sounds super interesting
TG: infinitely better than that bullshit in romance novels where they fall in love with each other instantly and then spend most of the novel skirting around each other and beating around the bush
TG: i havent actually read any romance novels but im pretty sure that is how it goes
CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW IT GOES USUALLY.
CG: AS MUCH AS A LOVE ROMANCE BOOKS AND MOVIES, THAT TROPE IS PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING.
CG: IT'S LIKE, JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER, YOU COMPLETE DOUCHNOZZLES!
CG: OKAY, SO I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON TO SAY THAT, BUT STILL!
CG: I GOT BETTER!
CG: I ASKED OUT KANAYA, AND IT WAS GREAT!
TG: really
CG: YES.
CG: PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT KANAYA WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED ME OUT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
CG: I GATHERED UP THE NERVE, AND I TOLD HER THAT I WAS PALE FOR HER.
CG: YEAH, *SOME* PEOPLE MAY CALL MY APPROACH A TAD BIT EXTRA, BUT I WAS TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC, GODDAMNIT!
TG: how exactly are you supposed to be romantic with pale romance
CG: I GAVE HER SOME FLOWERS, WHICH CAN BE USED TO EXPRESS FEELINGS FOR ANY AND ALL THE QUADRANTS.
CG: TYPICALLY PEOPLE JUST WRAP THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN A COLORED WRAP THAT REPRESENTS THEIR FEELINGS.
CG: RED FOR RED, PINK FOR PALE, BLACK FOR BLACK, AND GRAY FOR ASHEN.
CG: I HAPPENED TO ALSO CHOOSE FLOWERS THAT WERE MEANINGFUL AS WELL, SO THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS I GAVE KANAYA HAD YELLOW ROSES, AND IT ALSO HAD SOME CHRYSANTHEMUMS.
TG: what do those mean
CG: YELLOW ROSES MEAN FRIENDSHIP, WHILE CHRYSANTHEMUMS MEAN SUPPORT.
CG: I TRIED TO AVOID ANY FLOWERS THAT MEANT LONGEVITY AND STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE THOSE CAN MAKE YOU LOOK DESPERATE.
CG: YOU ONLY GIVE THOSE SORTS OF FLOWERS TO SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN YOUR MOIRAIL FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.
CG: IT IS ALSO TRADITIONAL FOR THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO BE TIED WITH TWO RIBBONS, ONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR, AND THE OTHER WITH THE OTHER'S BLOOD COLOR.
CG: SOME PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT KNOTS TO REPRESENT DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT I WON'T GET INTO THAT.
TG: this all sounds really fucking complicated
CG: YEAH, WELL THAT IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE CALLED ME EXTRA.
CG: BUT, IN ADDITION TO THE FLOWERS, IT IS ROMANTIC TO BRING THE PALE ROMANTIC INTEREST THEIR COMFORT FOOD, ALONG WITH ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES OR BOOKS.
CG: IT SHOWS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PERSON FAIRLY WELL, AND WOULD LIKE TO PURSUE A PALE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
CG: SO, I BROUGHT KANAYA HER COMFORT FOOD AND HER FAVORITE BOOK.
TG: i assume she responded positively since you two are now moirails
CG: YES.
CG: WE HAD A VERY ENJOYABLE DATE.
TG: are there any nuances about the other quadrants i should know about
CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO A BLACK OR ASHEN RELATIONSHIP.
CG: MOST PARTICIPATE IN THE MORE RED QUADRANTS, BUT MANY FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THE DARKER ONES.
CG: TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO KEEP UP BECAUSE THEY REQUIRE A PROPER RIVALRY.
CG: THE BASIC STIRRINGS OF BLACK FEELINGS IS A FEELING OF RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: YOU CAN'T HAVE A PROPER RIVALRY IF YOU DON'T RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON AND RECOGNIZE THAT THEY HAVE GOOD TRAITS.
CG: THE MORE MAJOR FEELINGS THAT TEND TO GET UP PLAYED ARE THE FEELINGS OF ANIMOSITY TOWARDS THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: HOWEVER, PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT THE RESPECT PLAYS A HUGE PART IN BLACK ROMANCE.
CG: THE ASHEN QUADRANT IS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT TAKES THE BLACK QUADRANT AND ADDS ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE SURE THAT THE KISMESISES DON'T KILL EACH OTHER.
CG: SOMETIMES, THE HAPPENINGS OF A PITCH RELATIONSHIP IS DEPENDENT ON HOW GOOD THE AUSPISTICE IS.
CG: AND THERE ARE VERY FEW GOOD AUSPISTICES, MUCH LESS PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING IN BEING ONE.
CG: KANAYA IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I KNOW WHO ACTUALLY HOLDS AN INTEREST IN BEING AN AUSPISTICE, SO SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT IT.
TG: well thats a shit ton of information
TG: i think i need my info a bit more spread out and a bit more simply worded
TG: although it might just be because i have a hard time wrapping my mind around this black romance stuff
TG: i think ill stick with the red quadrants thank you very much
CG: WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT QUADRANTS AND THE ROMANCE ASSOCIATED WITH EACH OF THEM, THEN I'M THE PERSON TO GO TO.
TG: i think i got that with the first word about quadrants that decided to waterfall out of your mouth
CG: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWLEDGE ABOUT QUADRANTS.
TG: yes you are
TG: bow down to the great king of quadrants everybody
TG: his greatness and might are too glorious to behold
TG: youve got to fuckin look in the corner of your eyes to even begin to behold his beauty and glory
TG: all hail the king of the quadrants
CG: FUCK YES.
CG: BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS, FOR I AM YOUR GOD.
CG: QUIVER BEFORE MY MIGHT.
TG: they quiver before you my liege
TG: they are fearful of the power you possess
CG: OKAY, THIS IS SOUNDING WAY TOO MUCH LIKE ONE OF NEPETA'S ROLEPLAYS, SO I'M GOING TO PUT A STOP TO IT HERE.
CG: JUST, STOP.
TG: oh shit if nepeta does this kind of roleplay shit im going to need a way to contact her
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO GIVE YOU THE MEANS TO TALK TO HER.
TG: because you want your friends to meet each other
CG: NOT REALLY.
CG: ANYTIME THAT HAPPENS, THE TWO END UP GETTING ALONG INSUFFERABLY WELL, AND THEY END UP MAKING ME SUFFER.
TG: i guess ill just have to find another way to get her contact information
CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU END UP TALKING TO NEPETA, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO EQUIUS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.
CG: THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS.
CG: THE TWO ARE SO PALE FOR EACH OTHER IT'S ALMOST SICKENING.
CG: YOU MIGHT END UP WITH A BROKEN HAND.
TG: what for talking to nepeta
TG: that seems like a dick move
CG: NO, IT WON'T BE FOR TALKING TO NEPETA.
CG: IT WILL JUST BE FOR MEETING HIM.
CG: HE HAS A REALLY STRONG HANDSHAKE.
CG: DO NOT USE YOUR DOMINATE HAND WHEN GIVING HIM A HANDSHAKE.
TG: ...
TG: ill keep that in mind
TG: btw i want to know something
TG: has rose pestered you yet
CG: WHY WOULD SHE PESTER ME?
TG: so she hasnt
TG: she found out it was going to be kanayas bday soon and she was freaking out about it
TG: because she didnt know what to get kanaya
TG: i told her to contact you since you are moirails with kanaya
CG: KANAYA WOULD BE OVERJOYED JUST BEING GIVEN A GIFT FROM ROSE.
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT ROSE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT.
TG: thats what i said
TG: but yeah you should probably message her just to make sure she hasnt gone into solitude about it
CG: HAS SHE ACTUALLY GONE INTO SOLITUDE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT?
TG: no
TG: she mostly goes into solitude near a book deadline
TG: but still
TG: it is a concern of mine
CG: ALRIGHT.
CG: I'LL TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER.
CG: WHAT'S HER HANDLE?
TG: tentacletherapist
CG: I GUESS I'LL GO MESSAGE HER NOW.
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
TG: see ya my dude
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
You begin to brainstorm ideas for possible videos for your channel in the future, and you kept this up for about an hour before someone started messaging you.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GA: This Is Dave Correct
GA: I Am Kanaya Just In Case You Did Not Recognize My Handle
TG: yep this is dave
TG: whats up kanaya what do you need
GA: I Do Not Actually Need Anything From You
GA: I Simply Wanted To Make Sure That I Had The Handle Right Before Contacting You In The Future
GA: However I Would Not Be Adverse To A Conversation
TG: well lets see what could we possibly talk about
TG: there are a shit ton of potential topics we could discuss
TG: and yet my brain is coming up blank
TG: despite all my swank this shit aint ready to bank
TG: the topics at hand are inside the void
TG: were reaching for them grabbing at them
TG: but we miss more than a storm trooper droid
TG: we pick up a topic and were like oh shit we grabbed it
TG: only for it to slip out of our hands and end up cracking it
GA: Do You Happen To Partake In The Art Of Slam Poetry
TG: thats like the troll way of saying rap right
TG: hell fucking yeah i do
TG: do you want to do a rap battle with me
GA: I Do Not Do This Sort Of Thing Very Often But I Would Like To Accept Your Challenge
GA: Would You Rather You Or I Go First
TG: if youre feeling up to it you can go first
GA: If You Insist
GA: Here I Go
GA: The World Was Created A Long Time Ago
GA: And Yet It Has No Time For Your Parlor Tricks
GA: All They Do Is Make Us Sick
GA: The Stars Align And They Make Me Shine
GA: Far Brighter Than The Sun That I Have Claimed As Mine
GA: You Seem To Have The Belief That You Are Better Than I
GA: But I Regret To Inform You That I Will Make You Cry
TG: holy shit that was great
TG: but frankly i have to reiterate
TG: my rhymes are slick and holding to a beat
TG: theres not a lot of thinking that goes into what im bringing
TG: theres no time to think no time to meet
TG: just listen to the words here that i here am singing
TG: youve got to have more than rhymes to kick my ass
TG: and frankly based on that youre not gonna last
TG: cause my beats are sick so sick in fact
TG: that my old raps are practically some cool artifact
GA: That Youre Raps Are An Artifact You Have Correct
GA: But I Have To Inform You That You Need To Double Check
GA: What You Think It Means At Least
GA: For I Believe They Were Thrown In The Garbage Yesterday
GA: You Should Feel Horrid If That Is The Case
GA: That Is Where They Were Meant To Be Anyway
GA: Mine However Are The Hottest You Ever Will See
GA: And If You Say Otherwise All Will Disagree
TG: my rhymes may be trash but theyre ironically shitty
TG: just wait and see if you can reach my level of petty
TG: my beats made of coal and with enough pressure and heat
TG: my beats will be the most beautiful diamonds on the street
TG: ill be forever engrained in the earth
TG: youll be the one always waiting around for a rebirth
GA: Im Going To Have To Say I Agree Your Rhymes Are Shitty
GA: Theyre Gritty And Im Pretty
GA: And Im Worth More Than Being Just Petty
GA: Youre Admitting That Your Trash
GA: You Might As Well Be Ash
GA: Ive Won Already So I Hope That You Are Ready
GA: Your Diamonds Are Fake As Is Your Declaration
GA: Just Pack Up Your Bags Youre Leaving The Station
TG: okay okay i yield
TG: leaving the station now
TG: didnt even pack my bags thats how roasted my ass got
TG: your rhymes are too sick for me to handle
TG: like holy shit where did you learn to rap like that
GA: I Dabble In The Art Of Slam Poetry And The Art Of Poetry Alike
GA: Not As Often As I Would Like Though
GA: Perhaps We Can Do This Again Another Time
TG: i will totally take you up on your offer
TG: its been a while since ive had a worthy opponent
TG: especially one that beat me into the ground so soundly
GA: I Will Continue Honing My Skills
TG: and ill do the same over here
GA: It Was Enjoyable Talking With You
GA: Or In This Case Slamming With You
GA: I Will Contact You In The Future
TG: wait hold on before you go
TG: karkat mentioned a friend named nepeta and i want to get her contact info
TG: do you have this information
GA: Her Trollhandle Is ArsenicCatnip
GA: However I Do Not Know Why Karkat Would Withhold This Information From You
TG: i think he might have been worried how well we would get along
GA: I Still Do Not Understand
GA: I Should Be Going Now
GA: I Will Message You Again In The Future
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
Well, you guess it’s time to message Nepeta for the first time.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] --
TG: yo youre nepeta right
TG: i heard about you from my friend karkat who is also your friend
TG: i got your handle from kanaya tho because karkat refused
TG: he said he didnt want to bring the powers that we have together
TG: well i said fuck that and so here i am pestering you
AC: :33 < i am nepeta, but who are mew?
TG: oh shit
TG: i guess i completely forgot to introduce my awesome self
TG: im dave
TG: nice to meet you
AC: :33 < its nice to m33t you too!
AC: :33 < how did you and karcat meet?
AC: :33 < he doesnt really talk to anyone outside his furiend group
TG: i met him at his work and i kinda rambled a shit ton like i always do
TG: and i made him laugh and i gave him my chumhandle
AC: :33 < !
AC: :33 < you made him laugh?
AC: :33 < i almost nefur hear him laugh beclaws he just wants to be all grumpy all the time
TG: it might of just been because he was at work and didnt feel like risking yelling at me
TG: which he does all the time
TG: anyway i heard you like roleplaying with people
AC: :33 < i do!
AC: :33 < would mew like to rolepurrlay with me?
TG: hell yes
AC: :33 < i usually rolepurrlay as a cat
AC: :33 < what would mew like to be?
TG: shit if were going to be doing animals and shit then i want to be a crow
TG: crows are the shit
TG: you can start if you want to
AC: :33 < *ac crouches behind some bushes, watching her unsuspecting prey*
TG: *tg stands there pecking at the ground or some shit*
AC: :33 < *when ac is sure the crow isnt suspecting it, she pounces!*
TG: *tg squawks as ac attacks him he is completely fucking oblivious to how this could have possibly happened*
AC: :33 < *ac successfurlly holds the crow in her claws, purrparing to eat her dinner*
TG: *tg begs that ac does not eat him over and over he shouts to not be eaten by her*
AC: :33 < *ac carefurlly considers not eating the crow*
AC: :33 < *in the end, howefur, ac opens her maw and asks if the crow would like to watch a documentary about animals!*
TG: *tg stares in disbelief at his tactic of begging actually working*
TG: *not wanting to give ac any reason to eat him he accepts her invitation*
TG: *he says that he would love to*
AC: :33 < *ac says that this rolepurrlay was furry fun!*
TG: *tg says ditto and would like to do this again sometime*
AC: :33 < *ac agrees but must go now so she will troll you again in the furture*
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
Well, that was pretty fun. Soon enough, you both will be able to use your powers for evil. And by evil, you mean to annoy Karkat, at least a little bit. Maybe you could invite them both out at some point.
You hear the doorbell ring, and you go to the door to find a package at your doorstep. Sweet. More stuff to review for your channel. As if you didn’t have enough shit already.
You set up your recording stuff and start recording. You open the box in absolute silence and slowly pull out the merchandise. It’s a rug. A very, very soft rug.
“The first carpet industry was made in 1791 by a dude named William Sprague in Philadelphia. However, it isn’t the United States that make the best rugs. Eastern counties actually have the best carpets, like India. They make a hell of a lot of rugs. This rug isn’t from India though. It’s just a really soft rug. Look how soft that shit is. Softer than the nicest goddamned silk in the world.”
You rub the carpet against your face.
“Just be sure to take off all the tags so you can get the full sensory experience of the rug. Now, of course, I can’t just keep rubbing my face against this lovely carpet. I’ve got to put it on the floor where it can do what it’s supposed to do. Be a rug.”
You place the carpet on the floor and step on it. You wriggle around your toes.
“Still just as amazing on my feet as it was on my face. Though, you might not want it to rub your face against it once you’ve rubbed your feet on it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not judging. But you might want to wash it.”
After a few more minutes of rambling on about the texture and color and other sensory stuff about the carpet before stopping the recording.
Time to edit the fuck out of this shit. After you find a place for the pink carpet you bought. It was way too nice to throw away, and pink is a great color.
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