#but my automatic kneejerk reaction to things is to think Stupid even if i don't say it bcs of the constantly devaluing of everyone around me

[eclaire-went-bam]

bcs i'm aware of how i automatically percieve people, i earnestly try to give the benefit of the doubt a lot. i tend to believe people are Actually Just That Dumb™ when they're joking about something, so i try to get ahead of that & tell myself people are joking when they say something stupid, so that i don't look stupid

all i've learnt in doing that, is most of the time, people aren't joking. they actually did mean what they say, & i made the situation 10× worse by laughing at what they said.

not only does it reinforce the idea in my head that people are Dumb so i need to take the reins on literally Everything, but it also leads people to believe i'm making fun of them for saying something silly & talking to me less, when, if i knew it were a genuine thing they thought, i would have gladly explained it without judgement

but i don't really know how to stop treating them as jokes, because what if they ARE joking so they laugh at me for how Stupid i am for taking the bait? i can't handle being made a fool of, i think i'd rather die

#this is in part bcs my father was like this all the time i believe #i'd talk abt one of my special interests & he'd deliberately say something stupid about it #so that he could laugh at me whenever i explained how it actually worked #a lotta ppl in my family tend to pretend to be dumb around me actually. so i gave up on talking abt science special interests #i do have personal gripes with words like “stupid” & “dumb” so know in my head i Know they're toxic & have ableist connotations #but my automatic kneejerk reaction to things is to think Stupid even if i don't say it bcs of the constantly devaluing of everyone around me #everything's a competition. don't lose or show your hand and things will be better for you. #don't give people a reason to think you're incompetent. isolation is better than risking danger & ridicule so long if it's isolation because #you're on a higher plane than everybody else. #or something like that #it's not that deep #npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #autism #bcs i cant with tones #i guess this may be a fine way of looking at things on the internet with strangers bcs bait is rlly annoying #however when it comes to interpersonal relationships irl and online it's a problem. especially when logically you KNOW your circle doesn't #rlly have anyone who pretends to be stupid to you so they can laugh at you. i think they will anyways. #if anything *i* tend to be like that to people i like less. i pretend to be stupid abt something so they can mansplain it to me & i get #silent supply off so easily having control over what they're feeling towards me & what they're doing even if they think They have the reins #in the discussion. tho i won't view it as making ppl take the bait & i won't openly mock people #i'm a hypocrite