#by that i just mean comments or tags or something btw i dont expect ppl to write full reviews of this LOL i just like peer validation

[liquidstar]

You know, I talk A LOT about “heirship” as a theme with my OCs, but never fully broke it down. And…... I want to!!! Fuck it! No one asked, but I’m going to anyway. Maybe for my own indulgence, but hopefully this will interest at least a couple of people! Note: I’m gonna say “heirship” a lot, it’s gonna start sounding like a fake word, and honestly in this context it’s more of an abstract concept. Also this is going to be long so I’m sticking it under the cut.

First of all, what is heirship? In the story it boils down to becoming what you are expected to become or live up to, but it’s different for every person. The topic of being an heir is a neutral thing, it can be both a positive and toxic aspect of a characters life, but mostly the latter. Aspiring to be something or someone you look up to is not an inherently bad thing, and it’s a good motivator and pure cause. However there are ways in which that can be twisted, when heirship is forced onto you in one way or another. It becomes suffocating, toxic, and even abusive at times. When you’re forced (Sometimes by yourself) into a roll regardless of what you want (or think you want) heirship becomes a prison, and no one is really free from this. From being an heir. It’s the most prominent theme and motif in the story, and there’s a reason so many of the characters are literally heirs to thrones or companies. So I’m going to dive into what exactly each of my main characters are “heirs” to, but I do want to note that this affects EVERY character in the story, every single one of them in one way or another (Some more than others) so if you ever wanted to know about a specific one feel free to ask me!

Amary is the main character, so it’s obviously the most fitting for her to be THE heir, the heir to the entire kingdom, she’s it. Amary is a princess, she was designed to have the most frilly “princess” design I could give her without looking to snooty. Her literal heirship is in becoming a queen, that’s what a princess does! But her mother is dead, and she left behind a life for Amary to follow in the footsteps in, always wondering if this is what people would want out of her mother. On the other hand though, her “prison” of heirship is one defined by traditional femininity, one where she’s expected to be a perfect princess and a perfect puppet, submissive and quiet and always listening to what the king says. 

Rue is a bit hard to get into because a lot of her deal isn’t explicitly revealed to other characters until later on. She’s the mysterious goth type, what’re you gonna do? But I still can say that her mother is a big reason she is who she is, in a weird sort of reverse-heirship. One where she denounces everything and rebels, one where she wants to be NOTHING like what she’s supposed to be, so she becomes the exact opposite in a sense. And in trying so hard to be free of this concept, she re-traps herself in it through her own expectations. Her own fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because rather than being her true self she just became the opposite of what was expected. In a way… It ends up being the same thing.

Aloe is a good example of heirship, a healthy example. He idolizes his mother, he looks up to her and wants to be like her, and she encourages his goals and helps him no matter what they are. There’s really not all that much to say on that, it’s pretty cut and dry! But I wouldn’t say it’s PERFECT, because he still does struggle with placing a certain ideal of what he should be onto himself, which can sometimes make him feel like he’s not living up to what he should be. He’s got time though, he’ll be ok. 

Sorrel, on the other hand, is an example of extremely toxic and abusive heirship. One where he’s forced into a roll and has to abide by what he should be strictly, or he’s going to get in trouble, and trouble in this case is more than just a time-out. His father’s abuse of him and his siblings is to mold them into perfect wizards to carry on the family legacy, perfect heirs required to do whatever he says. This affected all four of them in different ways, but that’s another post for another time. 

Carnation’s sense of heirship is self-imposed, but still toxic. She has to be the perfect smart girl, because she’s always been, but also because she knows that’s what her mother could have been if she didn’t have her. Carnation has complicated feelings about her mother that I should also probably get into in another post. But the bottom line is she feels like she has to justify her own existence by being perfect, or she feels worthless. She doesn’t understand that at a surface level though, consciously she only knows she has to be smart and perfect because that’s what she should be. Never less than 100%.

Pine’s heirship is COMPLETELY self-imposed, not relent on any parental figure in the slightest, but still perpetuated by them. They’ve always been gifted and talented and an amazing inventor, they’re praised for being a technical wonder-child! So obviously this lead into “Gifted Child Syndrome” where by highschool they’ve completely shut down in almost all categories outside of inventing stuff. Their grades suffer, they don’t eat well, they BARELY get any sleep, all because they started to slip on what they were expected to be. 

Geran is the heir to the sea region, there’s the obvious literal heirship angle to him but that also feeds back into his metaphorical heirship, one where he’s expected to play out a certain role of masculinity and strength. His idea of strength is one directly tied to emotions, where he has to stay stoic, but that’s not really true to who he is, even in his design the water drops in his eyes are meant to look like tear drops. It’s just a roll he felt he had to take on, as an heir, he just has to be “strong”. Him and Amary were always intended to be inverses of each other in this way, even with a subplot where they’re supposed to be fake-engaged, as a literal performance. You know, like how they’re performing heterosexuality, all the time, always. It’s all fake, that’s not who they are, that’s not who he is. 

Fennel has a more unique type of heirship, one not related to a parent’s or his own expectations of himself, but a younger sibling. Fennel’s little brother looked up to him a lot, what little sibling doesn’t? He was his brother’s hero! Notice the past tense though? His brother died while they were still young, and it wasn’t even all that long ago for him. Fennel feels like he’s obligated to live up to that perception of himself through his little brothers eyes, it’s really why he wanted to be a wizard to support his family, of all things. Wizards are heroes after all.

Protea is another example of healthy heirship, and like Aloe’s, hers is a lot simpler. Her moms own a potion shop together, it’s a cute little shop where she grew up and even worked at as a kid (Not WORK work though, it was like chores), and Protea loves her moms a lot and wants to take over the shop one day. She was like their student, learned all the potion making she could from them! It’s fully her choice to do this, she always looked up at them as an example of a happy life, and she wants that too. The downside is waiting to get there though, sometimes that can be so hard. 

Daisy’s form of heirship goes beyond parental figures, she aims to be her village’s new wizard. But she not only has to live up to the old one, she needs to surpass him. The old village wizard was unable to protect them against a monster and died trying, the village needs someone stronger to protect them. Daisy wants to do this because she never wants anyone to ever live through a tragedy like that again. She also has an interesting arc when it comes to heirship, one about progressing from childhood to motherhood because of the symbolism associated with daisies. (I don’t mean literal motherhood, she’s still only 18 by the end and I don’t plan to tackle teen pregnancy with her, for clarification). In her village she was seen as the babysitter for all the children post-monster attack while everyone was rebuilding, even though she was still so young, it’s another reason she feels like village wizard is a position for her.

Gallica and Musk are twins, but Musk was the prodigy, he was the perfect boy when it comes to academics, he always got so much praise for being so successful and gifted. Meanwhile Gallica was lacking in those categories, though she excelled socially and creatively. Their parents always made sure to reward them both for the things they were good at, but they were also busy, and sometimes it would seem unbalanced. For Musk that meant he clung to his sister even harder, but for Gallica it meant envying her brother. Though she doesn’t recognize it at first, she sits on those feelings for a while. Musk feels a lot of pressure to fit into that heirship possession, but Gallica just wants to feel like she’s the favorite, she wants to be that heir without knowing what that really means. 

Maggie is similar to Gallica, she’s an heir to the forest region, but she isn’t the heir apparent. That title goes to her older sister, while Maggie is left as the second in line. In life she’s always compared to the “real” heir, always made out to be second best. She just can’t measure up, but instead of wishing for that position, she gave up. The pain of being “second best” never really went away for her, but she doesn’t want to be the heir, she just wants to be herself. That’s even represented in her design, the rest of her family is green (Like her mother, currently in charge of that region), but she’s yellow (Like her father, who chose his own path that just happened to be marrying into it).

Tam is a bit unique given that what they have to look up to is… dragons. However, it's actually a very healthy example of heirship, because her dragon family took them in when they were a baby, and treated them just like all the other dragons. In a since Tam is an heir to them because their dragon-mom was their leader, but that doesn’t mean they don’t doubt themselves. And it doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes feel like an outsider when it comes to humans AND dragons. But they can do it, they’re just as dragon as the rest of them and they all know it, no need to be nervous. 

Holly was a doll to her parents. When I say that I don’t mean she was sweet to them, I mean they treated her like a doll. It’s not that they didn’t love her, but they were important people that needed to make an important impression, that means using their kid for it. You know, dragging her to big parties, dressing her up all cute (whether she wants to dress that way or not) and forcing her to sit still and behave and act cute. This sort of lead into her needing attention from people to feel validation. Not to mention she’s also literally an heir to their company. But after everything, does she really want that job? Or does she just want approval? Probably the latter, but it’s okay because eventually she’ll be able to live for herself.

Hyacinth’s love for books and reading is because of bedtime stories their mom would read to them when they were little, and although you can say their mother is the source of this heirship, she isn’t the focus of it. No, what Hyacinth looks up to and wants to become is the classic adventurer storybook hero. That’s all they want to be, they want to be like someone from a book. Someone confident, strong, brave, and… Not at all like they are now. They don’t like themselves much. Mostly because they can’t live up to their own ideal, a fictional ideal made up in their own escapist world. This is represented in their magic too, transformation magic. They literally become other people. One day though, being themselves will make them happier than anything. 

Aster is last, I was gonna do just the main students but I felt like I should mention at least one adult, and she’s the main one after all! Aster was her adoptive father’s protege, he taught her everything she knows. She went down the same path he did, becoming a student, then a wizard, then a knight, and eventually a teacher and surrogate mother figure, but she chose it because she wanted to. She may have gone down the same path but she made it her own, and her dad is proud of her for it because he’s an incredibly doting moron. However Aster’s path was still influenced by Ambrosia, and vice versa.

ANYWAY I rush-wrote this all at 7AM with no sleep on impulse so... I’m sorry if there are typos and it’s not the best written but I just wanted to ramble about my own OCs so... :)

#i use ... so many ... ellipsis (and parenthesizes) im so sorry #finn's ocs #this is longe . im sorry abt that too #but its not like im making anyone read it i just wanted to post it #so its ok :) #thank you all for indulging/tolerating my senseless rambling OC regardless tho <3 #im so tired its almost 9am now im gonna sleep soon. #but i wanna wait a bit after posting this. u kno. even if ppl just skim it a bit i wanna see if any hashtag reviews come in LOL #by that i just mean comments or tags or something btw i dont expect ppl to write full reviews of this LOL i just like peer validation

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

#an innocent sin #dohye x noah #noah x dohye #long post #tori talks #tori has opinions #reactions #yes I do this often in our dms #poor mei #toriqueue

[thedeviljudges]

shame shame it is my name ive been going through your harringrove tag all day and im just. completely fucked. choo choo the harringrove train has left the station you have a one way ticket to hell please enjoy the ride with some fine literature that will make you wish you had your very own cuddlebuddy while crying like a bitchbaby. please have some patience, i will be back shortly to tell you all about how you and these soft trashboys ruined my life! 1/10

SO FIRST YES YOU GOT ME INTO ZIAM. I can’t remember when but dear god ive been here for a long, long, looooong time. also can i please cry about your fics. because. i feel like they dont get enough love and im just!!! every time you write because your writing is just so?? idk?? im like “ah, noel wrote this. i CAN FEEL IT BECAUSE I GOT PUNCHED IN THE FEELS” and im gonna be superembarrassing but like i love you dude. you’re so fucking talented and it saddens me that all the work you put into ziam fics and drabbles never got the attention they deserved. like MIDNIGHT LIGHT. how freaking cute was that im just seriously Im gonna die ok i love it so much oh my goood the beginning when they met and Liam just replied with “okay” IM JUST. its so stupid cause there wasnt a lot of interaction between them at first but i just LOVED it?? like well done this made me feel like a 13yo also i love the way you describe it when liam smiles like i can see it happening in front of me and i get why zayn melts and falls for him every time. i have so much love for that fic you dont understand. am i gonna yell about my favorite ziam fics wHY YES I AM. We’re dreamers in castles made of sand (also i really like your titles btw) blew me away. I got chills and it didnt go the way i expected it to go, the usual boy has sex with a prostitute, catches feelings& saves them. i love that you didnt let that happen. Liam saved himself and im just so happy! caring and supporting zayn was amazing to see but the fact that liam did it on his own and THEN CAME BACK im weak i love it so much. ive already told you i love the under the rose universe. i cant even pick a favorite moment im just in awe of this entire serie. listen. i love liam and veronica with everything that i am and i would die for them. also. Vanilla sweet universe is just everything ok jfc.

okay. okay so i had to sit on this all day because i just. you’ve overwhelmed me, for real, lmao. like, i don’t really cry over messages, but this one? kinda got me good.

(and also, idk if you meant to send more, but i did only get the 6/10 so that’s what i’m replying to!!)

first off, lmaooo you’re hilarious as fuck. this message? as good as the one you sent the other day. i’ve reread it a few times, and i laugh at it each one.

but okayyy ok ok. i wasn’t expecting this lovefest, but i s2g, this is the sweetest. you’re not embarrassing, trust me!! i always love to know what people think of my fics. call me greedy, i guess, but i genuinely love to hear back from people, even if it is negative.

although uhhhhh, i love you???? like damn???? i mean, no lie. there’s definitely a few fics of mine from ziam that i wish took off more. i got comments on ao3 here and there and asks from time to time, but how i found out people liked my stuff was either through recs or casual discussions mutuals would send me because they just so happened upon it. i hate being that bitch that /wants/ to hear feedback because it sounds selfish, but like, some of those longer fics were so draining, and sometimes i got the feeling that me (and a few others tbqh) were just placeholder authors??? we were ~there for filler fics until…. well uh, lmao, other ones could finally put out.

ok. midnight light…. is one that i forgot about because lmao, that’s not one i’ve heard anyone ever talk about actually?? it might’ve gotten a few comments, but omfg. you saying that is really surprising???? i actually did love that one. kinda felt bad i didn’t make it longer or whatever, but it just made sense. i’m so glad you liked it, though!! but it’s definitely not stupid!!! that’s so wild that it makes you feel that way bc i get that way with fic too and omfg. i didn’t know people did about my stuff?? fuck. you’re way too kind.

ALSO LIAM’S SMILE. i tried to include that a lot because liam really does have the most beautiful smile. it’s so bashful and looks so genuinely happy and adorable and ahhhh.

about the dreamers fic…. gah. i love the concept i did with that, but when i look at it, honestly??? my writing is terrible???? omfg. i cringe at my old writing, i swear. but i think that fic is the most popular one. dunno why, but i’m so glad you liked the ending!! i don’t even think it was intentional to try to do something different. in all honesty, i don’t even know how i came up with the ending, lmao.

really, i’m just gonna keep thanking you over and over and over again.

fic titles… i love coming up with fic titles, and i’ll have you know that most of them are just song lyrics. i usually go for the most unusual lines in songs because they seem the most fitting? and what’s crazy is that when i hear it, i know immediately whether it’s a title or not. idk if that’s intuition, but to me, all fics are like children, and when you hear the title, you just know??? ok now who’s the embarrassing one, lmao.

under the rose - is my weakness, my soft spot. all born outta me trying to prove something to rude ass people tbh, lmao. wrote it out of spite even though i knew it wouldn’t be popular, and i just remember back in 2013 when ppl thought i was crazy as hell for loving veronica so much, and IM STILL GLAD i’m not alone in that.

vanilla sweet was also sorta born outta spite?? just in the sense that it didn’t have to be stereotypical abo that was written in the time (ie dubcon or more).

honestly, i can’t even believe you like all of these??? these were incredible messages to get, babe. like i said, you did make me tear up, and idk why you decided to stick around with my boring, bitchy ass tbh. i feel like is scare a lot of people off real damn quick, but i appreciate it so much. i really fucking do, and you’ve totally made more than just my day and night. i’ll legit be thinking about these for awhile now. fuck, i’ve talked your ear off too and yet i could wrote another 10 pages, i bet.

literally, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this and for giving my fics a chance. it really means the world to me, even after all this time. i appreciate it so much.

#Anonymous #answered #x #im an incoherent mess right now and i didn't even type out everything i wanted couldve or shouldve #but my gratitude is through the fucking roof right now and no amount of thank yous is enough

[diopan]

The Fighter

short berserk boxing au

in the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade and he carries the remainders of every glove that laid him down and cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame “i am leaving, i am leaving” but the fighter still remains

--

Throwing matches shouldn't discourage him.

By the end of it, he received money not bet on him. That was the sole reason he fought. The only reason he was there at all. As it was, later, in the dressing rooms, he’d look around at the other fighters and felt disgust. All the same, money would be in his pockets soon enough. On other people’s pockets, too, and they’d celebrate. Except those who had bet on him. He couldn’t blame them. People could celebrate, they just never celebrated him. Even when he actually won, which wasn’t often. Or more like only because he lost. Because the odds always looked bad for the others, his opponents, and never for him. And so business was good, if you bet against the odds. If you were in the know. But he wasn't a gambler, never been. He didn’t bet on himself. Just lost or won, depending on what was needed of him, right there, right then. Depending on what the old man told him to do; he was a gambler, the old man, always been, but he never bet on Guts, either. Bet only on his failure. Been betting on it ever since the failure of his birth. At least the old man was consistent. Not bad for a gambler.

Throwing matches shouldn’t discourage him yet there he’d been one day, after a match, filled with disgust, staring at the new wave of fighters coming in. Staring at him. Coming in with an army of followers, as if this wasn’t a dirty old backwater town’s poverty riddled boxing ring no one cared for. As if this place was something else entirely. As if he was something else entirely. Someone.

He and Guts were not in the same league, of course. Some other weight. Lower? Lower, of course. But the first thing Guts thought when he first saw him that day was that his face was beautiful. And that it would be a shame if others punched it. Though it sure looked like no one ever did, or it would've been marred, deformed. Like his. Like everyone else’s.

That was the first time, though, his first thought. Later he would get used to seeing that face in the crowd at his matches, as if he knew the schedule, as if his smug grin knew the outcome beforehand, too. Always there, staring. Disappointed? Something like it. Something else too, wholly different.

So he started attending that guy’s matches, too. Just watching him. (Learned his name was Griffith, learned his record was unbeaten, learned Griffith should not have been there. He should not have been there, either. At Griffith’s matches, that is, in the crowd, watching matches he had no vested interest in but unable to look away or leave.)

And of course, Griffith never threw his fights. Always won. Maybe his opponents did, throw their fights, but for a second, Guts thought it wouldn't even be necessary. Nothing to arrange. Nothing to bet against or even for. Griffith won because he won. He deserved it. He stopped himself to grin, standing at the back of the small backwater town’s gym, the sweaty necks, sweaty heads, sweaty hands of other watchers hiding him, hopefully hiding him from view of the one on the ring. That he would have that kind of faith for a beautiful face, he had to laugh at himself. That he would have that kind of faith for anyone. Or faith at all.

He did, though. Every time he stayed behind after throwing his match, every time he shot down some gambler’s uncalled for comments, every time some sweaty, bearded guy reeking of the same alcohol the old man reeked of, thought he could be friendly, thought he could say it was good for business that the pretty face always won and the big guy always lost, he thought how they were not the same. Griffith and him were not on the same weight bracket. Not on the same level.

And so he expected the first time Griffith was there to witness his victory to be different. Something else. Not sure what, but something different. All Griffith said when they found each other in the lockers was « I didn’t expect you to win. »

No one did, really. Except the old man had instructed him last minute, near the lockers, behind that same bench, that it was to be done, because they—both of them he said but included others too—they needed to have this guy lose all his money.

Victory didn’t taste any different from defeat. It was failure all the same. But this time, it was something else. Unexpected. In the dressing rooms (Griffith didn’t have a match that day, he shouldn’t have been there but he was) Guts, sitting on that bench, towel over his head, mouthpiece still in place, for the hell of it, found himself gazing upwards to a beautiful face, expecting to feel disgusting, but feeling something else. Something wholly different. « Let’s fight. »

I could. Make something of myself. Understand.

It would've been easy to say no, to win, to lose, to be sacked and lose every cent he could ever hope to make, lose every single thing the old man had. So easy to follow that man's path and say, yes, that's me too, I’ll win, I’ll lose, no matter the outcome, just for myself. Just that. For the hell of it. But that wasn't him. Winning had never been a priority. (Losing hadn’t either). More like a curse. Staying alive, eating, having a place to live, no, a place to stay, getting on the ring to throw punches, no matter the consequence, at least that made some sense. At least most days, these days. Used to be every day before these days. But these days. These days not a lot of things made much sense anymore.

You can't live off dreams, he still remembered being told. Not people like him, not the old man. You can’t live off dreams, Guts, Gambino said, once or twice, when Guts still thought making pro would mean something, would have any kind of effect, had any sense to it at all. You can’t live off dreams. Others though. Maybe.

Maybe others could live off their dreams and follow them through, with their unmarred faces and flawless record and offering to fight him, from a different weight, and winning, and losing, and betting nothing.

Fighting for the fun of it.

Sitting in the locker after a fight and gazing up at a beautiful face.

Standing in his corner after the gym had closed up for the day. « It’ll just be the two of us. » Gloves on his hands, excitement in his vein, a broad smile on his face.

For the hell of it.

Throwing a punch, catching one, never aiming for the face—not wanting to—but taking cuts to his jaw, putting up his arms, putting them down, being held against the ropes.

Against the ropes.

His muscles aching and tired from exertion and his smile still in place.

« Are you having fun? » The words muffled by the mouthpiece, but distinctly clear. And yes echoing through every one of his bones and muscles. Yes. I’m having fun.

Blocking blows with his forearms, with the gloves close to his face, his feet wide apart, mesmerized by the graceful fluid movements of his opponent, his footwork, his hair tied up and some locks coming loose to frame his face. To frame his smile.

« I’m having fun too. »

And not winning. Not losing. Just finishing the match out of exhaustion, continuing it afterwards at a ramen place, nursing their bruises with the warm broth and the cool air of a winter night on their backs as they make their way through town, nowhere special, nowhere in particular. A match of equals that draws longer and longer through the night and is punctuated by words shared with little caution, thrown like blows on the ring, that leads them to the door of Griffith’s apartment where he lets his hair down and Guts finds his hand—red bloodied knuckles—twirling around one of the locks.

Griffith wins, though.

When he takes Guts’ hand in his and kisses the wounded knuckles softly, gently. Knock out.

That fight is, like everything with Griffith, something else. Something like a reason. Like a place to live.

-------

tumblr is dead but sometimes i find myself missin the berserk fandom (which means the five ppl i used to regularly talk to abt berserk which means i still talk to most of them just not abt berserk) like u miss that summer u’ll never get back or ur backpackin trip thru southamerica when u saw the sun rise in macchu picchu or that winter u spent lookin for four leaf clovers in ur backyard & it didn’t snow even once cos now uve grown & u dont hve time for all that and so here’s this

ps does anyone still use that tag btw

#GriffGuts #not the berserk tag