#cant post my 11 minute video so this is what ill do instead

[wolame-o-ccx]

Comprehensive Rocky Hyuga rambling ☺️🤍❤️

(a guide to Rocky Hyuga basically)

(or the words of a deranged person, you decide)

Their first time seeing each other, Hyuga's eyes linger on Rocky longer than when the others came by. The unnaturally soft gaze he gives him was unwanted, how he stayed just staring at him was unwanted, how his entire demeanour went back to his normal crazy Hyuga after Oya and Rude came is not coincidental (I'm crazy) and yet they put it in anyway.

In the container yard fight, there was a scene where Rocky jumped down from an orange container to fight alongside Yamato. Right after that, the camera PURPOSELY FLIES (no transition) BACK to the same orange container Rocky started out fighting from, meaning at some point they fought side by side.

Rocky "won't let a colour stain the White Rascals" but he himself is tainted with red with his glasses and his gloves so maybe after the first movie he had a little feeling after fighting alongside Hyuga then smiling at him, they both celebrated that victory not yelling with their team but smiling at each other and Rocky becomes curious and intuitive towards him.

When Hyuga came to save Rocky, Rocky was the first thing he set his eyes on. When he saw Rocky and Ranmaru fighting, the first thing he says, he says to Rocky, even if it was,

" Hey! You look pathetic! "

It still meant Hyuga had his eyes on Rocky the whole time.

Rocky thought he might just be fucked, but when he came down saving him, (not only that but broke some guy's arm for him!) Rocky was completely taken aback. The way he turns to Hyuga in surprise after telling Ranmaru he wasn't on his side amused Hyuga.

How Hyuga turned to look at him for a split second as he walked to welcome Daruma into the fight. From the moment he arrived, he took glances at Rocky and bothered to kid with him (encourage him?) before their fight started.

"Still, I like the passion in your fights" is such a crazy fucking line because of how implied it is that Rocky has admired and is admiring Hyuga because how else could you observe one's fight to its fullest? Not like they recorded his fighting on anything. He would have to look at him from across the battlefield mid fight. Rocky took some time to observe Hyuga especially and he didn't say a thing about anyone else and that's so crazy. He watched him out of everyone else in the midst of several battles. (This can also be interpreted into Todoyuken is the thing so I think I'm following a string of patterns here) Anyway, any normal person would easily call Hyuga's fighting style insanity, but Hyuga isn't insane, he's passionate, as Rocky describes him. When Rocky sees him, he associates him with his colour. Red. Knowing he specifically said passion implied it is a compliment, even more when he tells Hyuga that's something he likes about him. As far as I am aware, Hyuga has been the only person Rocky has complimented (notably), and it was Hyuga.

Rocky accepts Hyuga's insanity (or passion, he calls it) and Hyuga enjoys Rocky's mellow sort of demeanor and finds comfort in him that way.

Extra things :)

Putting it all in one post to showcase just how severe the brainrot is

I think Rocky would lead Hyuga out somewhere to have deep talks and he finds Hyuga has sanity and good views also Hyuga falls asleep easily that if Rocky touches him (hug, embrace, arm over shoulder,etc.) he can pass out immediately because he's so comfortable with him how they would dance in the club after hours when everyone is gone how they'd walk around the streets in their very different styles that it feels so foreign to everyone else but between them it doesn't even matter how Hyuga would cling onto Rocky and/or fall asleep on him while Rocky is doing work

How they don't particularly do affection especially physical affection but when it's quiet and there's nothing to do they just instinctively move towards each other and then slowly fall asleep like that how Rocky would give Hyuga knuckle kisses and forehead kisses and Hyuga would give Rocky gifts all the time MAYBE A LOLLIPOP BOUQUET they would tease each other, Rocky barely, but Hyuga would

Hyuga would be the kind to sort of have some expectations in Rocky, thinking he's quite high and mighty for a reason. He'd be disappointed when he finds out Rocky's life doesn't mean much to him, not because he wants to die but because he's willing to sacrifice himself for what he's worked for since the start. And Hyuga would be disappointed to find that out because he holds his own life up quite high in his priorities, not because he's a narcissist but because he has the ability to protect himself and everything he cares about, which is a lot more than people know.

Rocky loves the instability, just as much as he has it inside himself, and he admires Hyuga because he can be so loud and passionate about what he's fighting for. Rocky can understand his vigor, and finds it amusing how enthusiastic he gets in the battlefield.

They have a back-and-forth flirting thing with each other, the subtle glances and insinuations in their words when they talk to each other. None of it is ever genuinely bad, most of it a sort of test to see who wins the teasing words exchanged between them.

Hyuga holds up Rocky's life very high too because he admires how he can be so devoted to this one thing in his life but that can also be his downfall. Rocky has barely any intentions of doing anything else other than protecting, and Hyuga doesn't need to be protected, so Hyuga protects Rocky because Rocky doesn't care what happens to him.

The night rides they'd have on Rocky's motorcycle or Hyuga's car would be anything but loud. They are comfortable in each other's presence. They are complete opposites, but in a way that puzzle pieces are different, so they fit each other.

Rocky thought Ranmaru and Hyuga were exactly the same when he first met Hyuga, but after further observation, he came to the conclusion that, no, they were so different. Ranmaru fights, but Hyuga protects. That was something he realised that made him come to start liking Hyuga.

Rocky not wanting anyone (else) to die for him so when Hyuga tells him "I'll fight for you" instead of "I'll die for you" it makes him so happy.

When they're together, here'd be some kind of warm silence and it's quiet but not because they dont know how to talk to each other, but because they're simply comfortable with each other, like they trust each other.

Vague + indifferent is so interesting and not a popular trope but it works, and it works with them. It's also how they're so different and yet so similar at the same time. Had they become friends, I think they'd both try and sort of uncover things about each other, Hyuga because Rocky is mysterious in general and he isn't usually curious, but he is about Rocky and Rocky because Hyuga is just interesting (crazy) to him. They would have this dynamic where they're sort of mature? Around each other? If that makes sense IDK. They're serious, but casual at the same time.

I've been at this since 3am last night I'm going to die now [explodes]

#high&low #rocky mutsugi #high&low rocky #high&low hyuga #hyuga norihisa #rocky hyuga #going to die #cant post my 11 minute video so this is what ill do instead

[warmau]

svt ranked on grimmest most public places theyd makeout with you @ based on the one i did for monsta x and also i love torturing carats hiii <3

13) seungkwan he has class coming out of his pores there is no way on this green earth that you two are engaging in anything past pleasant conversations and jane austen-esque finger brushing in public ........ things of intimacy and romance are meant for the confides of ones home!!!! where it can be rose and honey scented and you can both put on an episode of the bachelor at the lowest possible volume in the background

12) dino just thinks its weird if u ask him to makeout with you anywhere but on his couch when no one else is home like um why would u want strangers to see us do that thats weird like the kid is normal dont scar him with a proposal as such ........ even if u were like gonna lean in to kiss him in the back of the car he’d be like no, jeonghan is in the passenger seat and he wont let me live it down if we do that

11) mingyu is surprisingly shy for as big as he is and how much space he can take up hes like id rather not disturb the nice people eating their applebees by indulging in mouth to mouth ...... and ur like baby please never call it that again. idk he just seems like hed be very timid about the whole thing and hed be like what if we get arrested like thats not going to happen but hes like what if. likes holding hands all the time though.

10) vernon says he could never disrespect you by making out with you in a place thats not like a park at midnight or under the fleece blanket he got as a christmas present from cheol.....ur like what? and hes like i just think its not cool to get all up on u in public like that and ur like but im cool with it and hes like but are u basically hes just too embarrassed to say “i know people think im quirky but i like keeping our kissing between us”. that one time he posted yall kissing in some museum was simply for the gram clout. 

9) joshua is sometimes beckoned by the idea of a little risky handsy kisses at the movie theater,,,,,,maybe a little bit of your teeth in his neck on the bus ride home.........but never anything dramatic, like he isnt about to grab your waist in public and go to town when there are children across the street like cmon ... though i think when u get all touchy with him before you two are going to go avengers 3 billion or whatever hes not opposed 

8) woozi has general apathy toward where you two do it, and this isnt just about pda this is literally about anything ever. you two could have a heartfelt conversation about your futures on a roller coaster and that mf would be like ok i want to marry you mid loop-de-loop hes insane. so if u wanna kiss up on his neck at the home depot while u r forcing him to pick out plants for his studio then so be it!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) jeonghan the first month of the relationship acts like hes never thought about anything but kissing you with his eyes closed, hugging with enough space left for the holy spirit, and most definitely tongue is off limits. hedonistic, if you ask him. which is a blatant lie because once the mark is up and jeonghan feels comfortable with you its like ,,,,,,,,, let me groan your name into your mouth in the middle of freezer aisle of this whole foods but i didnt mean it but im too in love with you to care

6) wonwoo would makeout with you at a gamestop dude hed make out with you in the best buy video games discount aisle lmfao half probably to flex on sad gamers and half because wonwoo is the type that would consider it a date for you to come and pick out shit for his computer setup. youll be like ok we can kiss while we’re waiting to buy you animal crossing for the switch but we cant kiss in the panera bread? and wonwoo is like baby please there is a family enjoying their grilled cheese in the booth across from us. oh my god wonwoo be like hey babe come here and kiss me and ur like ok and ur like wait are u streaming and hes like yeah say hi to my twitch subscribersjfdkhgjd 

5) seungcheol knows when and where to act up and sometimes the where is like ........... the baskin robbins ur in at 3 am after leaving some shitty house party. the employee behind the counter is like “how many sco- ok ill wait” he does draw the line at serious shit like office buildings and churches and friendly dinners because like listen jared at the baskin robbins isnt gonna say shit but hes like let me not get my hands up ur shirt at ur cousins barbeque 

4) seokmin is filled to the brim with love so its hard to stop him from kissing you regardless of where you are. anything is game. if you as much as enter in 5ft of him hes like hahahaha kissing time!!!!! the thing about him though is that he does have types of kisses that are ok like you guys can highschool kiss at some restaurant or date spot and then you can go all out, legs around his waist, hands on your ass kiss in the elevator to his place - and if someone comes in you both are like “wait for the next one”

3) minghao would be number one, but he has some off limits spots due to his need to keep up appearances like even though after youre done kissing him you look a hurricane hit you hes like wait lemme clean up and comes out looking like he just stepped out of the house fresh - thats why he doesnt care where, but it has to have a bathroom nearby so he can make sure he looks good. you know its true love when he starts fixing your hair and clothes too. 

2) hoshi will pretend to be coy and tease about it for like two minutes at most and then he’s like fuck it do whatever you want to me in the middle of this public swimming pool bro he’s so nuts he’d be like pushing your hands off his chest for the first half of the movie and then the next half the ushers are having to ask you two to please kindly LEAVE the theater. hoshi “no we cant kiss waiting for our fries” to “lets see how long we can make out in the ballpit” .....hes only number two because he plays like he wont do it but he will 

1) junhui will makeout with you at your best friends wedding. junhui will makeout with you in the middle of traffic. junhui will bite up your neck in the presence of your boss, guaranteed it doesnt get you fired. junhui will start taking layers of clothes off at a starbucks and then probably get chased up the street for public indecency if thats what you want from him. he never says no because he never wants to miss out on a chance to makeout ......... he’s insane he’d be like bleeding from his nose after getting hit by a car or something and ur like lemme call the emts and hes like what if you makeout with me instead nose is broken anyway ......... ugh we have no choice but to stan 

#minghao like a goldfish cracker the snack that smiles back! goldfish!

[overlyzealousegg]

Recently someone I know on shared a video on facebook of some woman, who I promise is not qualified to be talking about ADHD, saying it wasn’t real and I forced myself to watch the whole thing and it was filled with ignorance and misinformation and I was fucking pissed off, which usually is what fuels my long ranty posts on my fb. Anyway I made a list of things I go through because I was so mad. ANYWAY HERES MY LIST.

Know what having ADHD is like?

-It's interrupting people all day because your brain can't sit on something for too long bc it'll forget and you have literally no control over it. -It's having to ask someone to repeat what they said eight times only to slowly have to piece it together an hour (or days) later. -It's reading something over and over wondering if you're not understanding or if its really that weird of a sentence. -It's talking when you have nothing to say and wishing to the adhd gods above that they'll finally let you shut up. -it's learning to say nothing because you hate yourself for talking too much. -It's being in the *middle of a sentence* and forgetting what you're even talking about. (this is the worst I do it so freaking often) -It's going quiet and spacey and thinking about everything all at once, which feels like thinking about nothing at all because you can't focus even in your own head. -It's hating yourself. -It's having friendships that feel like they mean *nothing* to you, although you try to convince yourself otherwise. (This one confuses you because you know its a meaningful friendship and you try your hardest to be a good friend always but you also know you struggle with *feeling* like its meaningful) -It's hyperfocusing until your eyes go fuzzy you're so exhausted. -It's not being able to solve a really simple puzzle because your brain sees the right answer but also its convinced theres a different way to do it. -It's feeling like your chest is going to cave in because you couldn't be perfect, which you know is unreasonable but you feel it anyway. -It's failure to control and regulate your emotions at random. -It's not being able to eat certain foods because the texture makes your skin crawl and you can't even chew it it's such a strong repulsion. -It's having sensory overloads. -It's getting up at 2 am because you cant sleep and cleaning, organizing, and rearranging the space under your sink in the bathroom instead. -It's having no self worth. -It's thinking about something for so long that you pick it a part and rationalize every aspect of it until you can understand wholly or firmly decide it's a good decision or mind-frame or whatever because you have an unwavering NEED to find rationality and logic in everything. -It's hating the way sheets feel on your toes and sleeping under blankets only for your whole life. -It's being hungry because you haven't eaten anything in almost 24 hours and pacing around the kitchen thinking to yourself "I'm not really that hungry" just because you can't decide what to eat. (This is how you got here in the first place.) (Sometimes you settle for a soda instead but since the headache is bad enough you usually force yourself to make a decision.) -It's having people who know nothing about adhd saying that "its not real" and thinking its an illness only children can have. -It's not knowing for 15 years that you didn't 'figure it out' but that you were on medication and it was helping you, you didn't know that you don't out grow it- the symptoms just change.

It. Is. Real.

Here have some more, Tumblr.

-It’s going to class and doing the best you can and still failing the class three times in a row, even if you do tutoring, study with the aids, and try everything to be prepared. -it’s knowing exactly what you want to say but never being able to put the pieces together to accurately convey the concept. -It’s rewatching an episode several times because you’re watching it but your brain is 900 lightyears away. -It’s wandering aimlessly around your house for and hour and fourteen minutes and thirty two seconds. This includes: sitting in your room for two minutes, getting up and walking into the living room and watching the news (standing 3 feet from the tv) with your mom for five minutes, going into the kitchen for twenty minutes (still watching tv as you try to decide if you’re hungry or not), going into the laundry room to get soda, walking back upstairs to sit in your room for three minutes, getting up and doing your hair in the mirror 11 different ways before deciding this was a waste of time (why did you do it anyway?) effectively throwing away eight minutes, sitting in your room for six minutes then getting up and sitting in your nieces room, where you sat all day babysitting, and look at the guinea pigs for two minutes, going back upstairs and sitting in your room for twelve minutes, walking around doing nothing for one minute, going back into the kitchen for another ten minutes, going to stand in the room with your mom, looking around for something to ??? you’re not even sure why you’re there, for three minutes, then you turn and take five steps in the direction of the stairs and stop again for another minute, finally you walk up stairs and back to your room and stay there.  -It’s getting caught in a loop of thinking about the same thing at the same time every day for days on end, you pick the thing apart and figured it out (mostly anyway) almost on the first day so why you’re still thinking about it is a mystery. 

I think that’s all I’m going to add, but yeah these are me-things that I consider related to my adhd. 

But go ahead and tell me adhd isn’t real. 

#adhd #my adhd life #add #long posts #attention deficit hyper disorder #combined type #peer sharing #attention deficit disorder

[bucketofkay]

Music Asks

Requested by @theshippingdocks

~playlist~

1.  a song from the year you were born

ugh i hate this prompt there are like no genuinely good songs from 2000

All The Small Things - Blink 182

(i looked up the top 100 songs of the year and the only two songs id heard of and didnt hate were this and bye bye bye)

2.  a song that reminds you of school

Proud - Heather Small

bc its used in every motivational assembly and end of year video

3.  a song tied to a specific moment in your life

Guren no Yumiya - Linked Horizon

we do not speak of these dark times

4.  a song that is not sung in your native language

Von - Yoko Kanno ft Arnor Dan

icelandic! a language i dont think ive ever used for a music asks playlist (in fact this whole list is turning out really different to usual. ill see if i can keep that up.......)

5.  a song over 5 minutes long

most of the music i listen to is over 5 minutes......

I left you ~ Not sure if I did - Reimi Horikawa

its one of those really slow but beautiful OSTs that i just love

6.  a song under 2 minutes long

Bim Bim Bim - Jay Foreman

there was no limit on what the song was.....

(but its gr8)

7.  an instrumental

oh no.... what will i do...... how do i possibly find an instrumental track i enjoy.....

Stories Not Forgotten - Windsor Airlift

8.  a classical piece

Fur Elise - Beethoven

i just kinda like it?? idk im not rly into classical

i prefer modern orchestral stuff

9.  a song with no percussion

Inevitabalis - Yuki Kajiura

i LOVE pure piano songs

theyre so emotional

10.  something you’ve heard performed live

Time is Running Out - Muse

(this song is my most vivid memory from a concert)

11.  something you’d give ANYTHING to hear performed live

Nothing Without You - Emma Blackery

(im sorry ill try and make this the last predictable answer, but no guarantees)

12.  a song by an artist who’s from where you’re from (town/city/state/country)

Together in Electric Dreams - The Human League

god its been so long since ive listened to this song

(the human league are from south yorkshire)

13.  a song made suddenly precious because of a special someone

Saviour of the Waking World - Toby Fox

(anything hs really)

14.  a song made suddenly awful because of a special someone

there isnt one, so:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shrug midi art - CrystalVisionOKC

15.  something to BELT SHAMELESSLY/do DIVA HANDS to

this obviously screams musical, so:

Gone to Oregon - The Trail to Oregon

16.  something to SCREAM ALONG to

Mr Brightside - The Killers

obvs

17.  a song for raging

Don’t Stop - Black Lagoon

(like the whole ost tbh)

18.  a song that demands lipsyncing into a makeshift microphone

We Built This City - Starship

it was suggested on electric dreams, and its perfect for this one

19.  the last song you had stuck in your head

why is this even a question?? the only songs in my head now are songs from this list

Duder’s a Spy - Brian Holden and Michelle Chamuel

is the last i remember

20.  a song you’re dying to master all the words to

another predictable one, but

Bravely You - Lia

i still cant get the fast bit quite right

21.  a song that you could SLAY at karaoke

hey, an excuse to put another instrumental song in

Rely on Thermal Winds - Seas of Years

(im not gonna be slaying anything at karaoke any time soon)

22.  a song you can’t help but dance to

Hold my Hand - Jess Glynne

the problem with learning dances to songs is that you lowkey never forget them

23.  a song that makes you want to dance on a table

Defying Gravity - Wicked

i struggled w a non-predictable answer for this one, but just bc it needs to be performed dramatically from a height

24.  a song that makes you wanna STRIP

Naked in a Lake - The Trail to Oregon

p self explanatory

25.  a song with a great music video

ive said this before, but im not a music video person, so the next two are def gonna be predictable

Perfect - Emma Blackery

26.  a song that makes you act out the music video when you hear it

uh, none

but the closest id say is 

Lonely People - Orla Gartland

bc it just kinda makes me wanna go out and do something awesome

27.  a song with counting

5 6 7 8 - Steps

i couldnt think of anything better, im sorry

28.  a song with spelling

Revolting Children - Matilda

29.  a song with lots of clapping

Faces Going Places - Dodie Clark and Lucy Moon

this is the only thing i could think of

30.  a song 40 years older than you

back to googling to find a song i dont hate.....

Beyond The Sea - Bobby Darin

31.  a song you wish your parents didn’t know the words to

All About the Bass - Meghan Trainor

(im sorry) my mum WONT STOP SINGING IT

32.  a song whose lyrics shocked you once you were old enough to understand them

The Circle of Life - The Lion King

bc of how fuckin simple the lyrics actually are when you translate them

33.  a song you have ZERO patience for

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke

no. just no.

34.  a song you’d like your favorite artist to cover

taking my favourite artist as emma blackery (rather than ZHIEND, as i like them for their original music)

and sorry for predictability again:

Not Over You - Tessa Violet

35.  a great song you discovered thanks to a movie

Someday - Steve Earle

(i dont like the original but the bridge to terabithia version is p good)

36. a great song you discovered thanks to television 

First Things First - Neon Trees

37.  a song you’re ashamed to have in your music library

Dead Gorgeous Opening Theme

not really tbh, but i have to save something for 38 (why???)

38.  ok what’s the song you were too ashamed to even post for #37

Mickey Mouse Club March

bc i have a disney compilation cd, and for some reason they decided to put this on instead of any songs from the lion king 2

39.   the most played song in your music library

i have no idea overall, but on my phone probably

Clouded Sky - ZHIEND

especially since its my alarm......

40.  favorite disney song

They Live in You - The Lion King

and thats it done!

i hope this is different enough to every other music ask game i do

~playlist~

[remembermemorablememories]

Monday, February 18, 2019

post #406

main points:

- wake up early to go to NYC

- turn in lease (officially signed an apt!)

- $1 pizza and gong cha

- come back home, get chipotle and go to target with sheena

- eat at home, watch bob’s burgers/help dad with the kitchen ventilation

- played smash online, getting lucina into elite and playing snake in elite smash

- dinner with fam, learn about dad’s childhood experiences with his mom in the hospital

- book tokyo housing, look into airbnb experiences/kyoto/osaka

- mario kart with deepak and sheena

writing this on tuesday feb 19

today i:

- woke up at 6:30am. i was so tired waking up. yikes. i mustered all my strength to get up and out of bed, grabbed a banana downstairs, then drove out in mom’s car to the trenton train station

i got there around 8am, then got on the 8:10am train. on the train i signed the blanks where i should fill out for the lease, then just listened to music and rested 

got to penn station and then walked 10 blocks to 43rd to meet up with marsha. it was wet out so i’m guessing it rained last night :s we went in to the broker office in the basement but before going in, marsha did one last pass on all of my paperwork, collect my checks, then we headed in

we dropped off the paperwork, everything seemed solid and that was it. the whole thing took like 20 minutes

marsha stopped outside to give me a bottle of champagne as celebration and we took a picture together. then we parted ways and said good bye :’( we’ll be in touch probably the next month to get everything sorted out logistically but it was good working with her

i stopped by the post office to try to get a refund for my remaining money order but the post office was closed cause it was president’s day :( i guess i’ll go tomorrow

- decided to walk back to penn station and just head home but i first stopped by $1 pizza to eat. it was like 10am lmaooo. while i was sitting there eating my pizza i also got a notification that my 4gb of data on my phone ran out :( it won’t renew until 3/5 rip. walked over to gong cha since it was near the station, got myself some milk tea and sheena some milk tea

hopped on the 11:14am train back to trenton. i watched white bear of black mirror since i downloaded it offline on netflix. then watched an episode on the stock market and then astrology for vox’s explained series. very interesting stuff

- drove back home, getting back around 1:30pm. idk why but i started getting a headache. i wonder if it was cause of the milk tea or if it was cause i was watching stuff on the train and maybe the light swaying caused me to be motion sick or something?

- once i got home, got settled down, i went out with sheena to target. she needed to go get sunscreen and some other travel sized stuff for her school trip to florida coming up soon. then we went over to chipotle and both got some burrito bowls. sheena stopped by wendy’s to get some large fries then we drove home and ate while we watched bob’s burgers S6E10. halfway through watching, dad went to the backyard deck to try to fix the ventilation for our kitchen stove. since it’s windy out sometimes the wind gets caught in it and makes flapping sounds. he stacked two chairs on top of each other to reach it and i was really concerned it was not stable so i went out to watch over it. i told him we should just use a ladder but it’s a bit buried in the garage since the kitchen renovations happened

he got a tentative fix with a spring and duct tape and then we went back inside. i finished the rest of my burrito bowl and the episode of bob’s burgers around 3:30pm

- i still had a headache so i was gonna do japan planning but played smash online instead. i played with lucina a bunch, then got her into elite smash. cutoff is around 3.81 mil GSP right now. then i played some snake in elite smash and did fairly well. there was this marth that i played really well against. but after 5-6 games he slowly started adapting to my gameplay which was interesting to see. (even though i still won :p). then i had to go eat dinner so i peaced out. i got snake to like 3.89mil... still can’t break 3.9mil GSP yet

- went to eat dinner with the fam. there was pork/potatoes, duck, and some veggies. yum :D i went to the bathroom and once i finished/came out, i sat back down and listened to some of dad’s stories from when he was a kid and living with his mom/visiting the hospital. the topic came up cause i mentioned my abdomen pain. he said he had a severe flu once and went to the hospital. they had to take a biopsy and mixed him up with the person next to him and thought he had cancer. but since his mom (my grandma) worked in the hospital, she thought it was really odd, especially at dad’s age (maybe like a teenager). fortunately they were able to do another biopsy and the people there realized it was a mistake. damn... these kinds of things are scary

- i cleaned up the dishes and put them in the dishwasher while dad cleaned up the kitchen table/stored food. we heard more flapping from the stove vent so dad went out again, this time with two chairs. i watched over him just in case, and he just stuck the screw straight through the flap instead of using duct tape this time. and it looks like it fixed it for good 

- went upstairs around 8pm and planned out some more of tokyo, mostly booking a hostel through airbnb. then also looking into airbnb experiences in tokyo, then kyoto and then osaka. i also looked into hostels for kyoto and osaka but i’m not too time pressed on it cause since they’re close to each other, i can figure something out. while i was doing this sheena was playing smash behind me. i told her about grab out of shield which helped her a lot. she was playing dittos against another zelda that was doing almost identically what she was doing LOL

- also i told deepak i’d play mario kart with him. so after taking a long shower, we played from 10pm-11pm. sheena also played with us (since she was already playing smash). we did shine thief battle mode for a bit (we got wrecked by deepak), then racing (again got wrecked) -- deepak 1st, me 2nd sheena 3rd. then we played teams to try to balance things out. sheena and i did better overall with CPUs/team so we won that one :p 

- hung out with sheena in her room a bit. browsed some instagram, watched some old videogamedunkey videos on smash, then went to sleep around 12:30am. i was so tired after waking up at 6:30 today

okay the end

#post #february #2019 #normal

[mystery-snail]

hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done. 

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.

#maybe dont read #its kind of personal #its really just me complaining #but if you feel you have solid advice on coping let me know