#consistently. if i restart from 5 i can fix it. its like fucking up a stitch and then you have to undo like five stitches to fix it

[47-protons]

Fucking jumpscare can I help you what the fuck am I being threatened

#ive since done my lesson and just like when i was a kid w my mom teaching me spanish PT is no different and i DO fuck up 16/17 #smth abt dezesseis and then dezesseite makes my brain hiccup a little #consistently. if i restart from 5 i can fix it. its like fucking up a stitch and then you have to undo like five stitches to fix it

[mollydollyjournals]

Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

[delicatepaperartisan-blog]

I Brohk My Phone

i brohk my phone.

it was like those old computers that turn off if you unplug them except it lasted a lil longer. I had an interview the same day it decided to do this so I ended up missing it and losing the job. I got the job because this girl im fucking with want me to be on my shit or shes just not gonna fw me and thats understandable but it just hurts that i truly tried and it just did not want to work out. I wish this process was simpler but its not. I am honestly falling into a depression and my lack of phone causing a larger lack of distraction from it makes me realize more and more that im prob just a depressed kid with a lot of confusing emotions. I dont even know if i should be trying to be with her anymore. I get told so much to that im leashed or that i worry too much and all this bullshit and maybe its true. I’m not sure but now shes not talking to me because that same day i had to feed her cat and wasnt able to catch the bus and do so. I got caught up in the fact that i needed to fix my phone that i forgot that i still needed to find a way to feed her cat or let her know i wasnt able to. I didnt mean for this to happen of course and i apologized to her multiple times. she stated that what i did was childish and irresponsible. I would agree that it was irresponsible, but i feel like saying it was childish is a bit of a stretch. I wasn’t being immature i just got caught up with a problem that effected a lot more than i was hoping it would. I really am sorry, i would never do something like that on purpose or cause i didnt feel like it. also i forgot to mention that not only does it turn off when its unplugged but about 2-5 minute intervals of being on it just restarts. every time. So a consistent text conversation is now much more of a hassle not including the fact that some sent messages occasionally just randomly disappear for absolutely no reason never to be seen again. I just want to be happy and successful, but for me not for you. I want you so bad that i am willing to do as much in my power as i can to try to accomplish these things while you are still “by my side” but when things get bumpy im usually the one who ends up hurt even if it is my fault. when its my fault i dont mean to do it or get defensive about doing it i just dont know if you are just trying to get me to stop doing something of if it is an actual issue. I feel like ive almost had to change who i am entirely with you. I know i havent but idk. I just dont know what to do.

-Emotional Sack of Decaying Flesh :,|

#life #love #pain #confusion #unsure #emotional #my heart