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maximustherad · 7 years

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Skype Liveblog of Guardians of the Galaxy S01E12 “Crystal Blue Persuasion”

@thecorteztwins

[1:06:12 AM] Cool Dadneato: I found me an episode of the Guardians of the Galaxy show with Inhumans in it and if it's good I'm gonna liveblog

[1:06:21 AM] Cool Dadneato: or even if not

[1:06:25 AM] Hexiva: -chinhands-

[1:06:26 AM] Cool Dadneato: LIVEBLOG

[1:08:11 AM] Cool Dadneato: so Peter Quill is trying to teach his friends baseball, which sounds like an inherently awful idea

[1:08:58 AM] Cool Dadneato: they are trying but I don't think they even get the concept, much less the rules

[1:10:38 AM] Hexiva: I'm not sure I get the concept or rules

[1:11:48 AM] Cool Dadneato: ... I was going to side with the rest of the team here, BUT NOW I SIDE WITH PETER, BASEBALL IS VITAL KNOWLEDGE TO SHARE

[1:11:59 AM] Cool Dadneato: Lockjaw just appeared on board

[1:12:23 AM] Cool Dadneato: Rocket greets dogs by insulting them, I guess

[1:12:30 AM] Cool Dadneato: get off this ship

[1:13:01 AM] Cool Dadneato: why does Lockjaw have crystals stabbed in him

[1:13:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter, Gamora, and Lockjaw just teleported

[1:14:17 AM] Cool Dadneato: Rocket is not even perturbed

[1:15:04 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter is chasing Lockjaw through Attilan

[1:15:28 AM] Cool Dadneato: Lockjaw stole his baseball and Gamora is yelling to forget it

[1:16:09 AM] Cool Dadneato: forget you, Gamora, I've rped a lost in space Earth dude, this shit is important

[1:17:56 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter is yelling now about how he doesn't even care about the ball, now this is about how he feels like nobody ever listens to him

jeez, Peter, this is only a few minutes in

[1:20:21 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "So who's in distress?! There's nobody here but a giant, slobbering BASEBALL THIEF!!" -dramatic point-

[1:20:29 AM] Cool Dadneato: I want a gif of this

[1:21:16 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter is being so fucking sarcastic to this dog now omfg

[1:21:29 AM] Cool Dadneato: who teaches these people dog manners

[1:22:48 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "You see, on Earth it's totally hilarious."

Gamora: "I see why you don't go back."

[1:25:35 AM] Cool Dadneato: omfg, Lockjaw led Peter to some cryogen chambers and he opened one and it's Medusa and Peter said "aw it's like a princess" and made like he was going to kiss her and Medusa woke up to kick his ass

[1:26:13 AM] Cool Dadneato: kill him, Medusa

[1:26:30 AM] Cool Dadneato: feed his baseball to Lockjaw

[1:26:51 AM] Hexiva: MURDER HIM

[1:27:19 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa: "My husband would have words with you!"

[1:27:37 AM] Cool Dadneato: multiple ones? it's on then

[1:28:18 AM] Cool Dadneato: does she wait to say things like that

[1:31:43 AM] Cool Dadneato: meanwhile, I guess Groot, Drax, and Rocket finally decided to go look for Peter and Gamora

they seem very unrushed for people possibly doing rescuing

[1:32:02 AM] Hexiva: they're like "whatever he got himself into, he probably deserved it"

[1:32:29 AM] Cool Dadneato: yeah, they are all clearly thinking that

[1:33:54 AM] Cool Dadneato: they just tried to muss with crystal statues in the city, the crystals attacked

[1:35:33 AM | Edited 1:35:44 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa asked Peter if he's Kree and that's a surprisingly valid question

[1:35:57 AM] Hexiva: Kree rather than half-Celestial?

[1:37:31 AM] Cool Dadneato: Kree given the Inhuman context and that some Kree are white

in the 616 Peter is half Spartoi

[1:37:45 AM] Hexiva: What's a Spartoi

[1:37:56 AM] Cool Dadneato: and his dad once flirted with Medusa

[1:39:22 AM] Cool Dadneato: Spartoi look pretty much human but they are related to the Shi'ar somehow

[1:40:01 AM] Cool Dadneato: they come from Shi'ar space and share some common ancestor

[1:40:16 AM] Hexiva: what's their deal

[1:41:33 AM] Cool Dadneato: they have an Empire that's allied with the Shi'ar

[1:41:47 AM] Cool Dadneato: that's basically their thing

[1:41:49 AM] Hexiva: oh good, more douchebag empires

[1:42:11 AM] Hexiva: Aren't the Kree . . . like . . . blue . . .?

[1:42:12 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter's dad is J'Son, their emperor

[1:42:50 AM] Cool Dadneato: Kree are usually blue but they have a large white population

[1:43:08 AM] Cool Dadneato: like Mar-Vell and Noh-Varr

[1:43:14 AM] Hexiva: oh

[1:43:16 AM] Hexiva: that's weird

[1:43:20 AM] Cool Dadneato: yeah

[1:43:25 AM] Cool Dadneato: weird af

[1:43:29 AM] Cool Dadneato: why

[1:47:58 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus: "Cease this senseless attack, Alpha Primitives! Oh! This has all been a TERRIBLE misunderstanding! Oh, I'm SO very sorry about all this... I was expecting someone else."

omfg on a scale of 1 to A Steaming Pile of Filthy Dramatic Improv he's scoring a perfect Irving Braxiatel

[1:49:03 AM] Hexiva: DOES ANYONE BELIEVE YOU, MAXIMUS

[1:49:30 AM] Cool Dadneato: "I am Maximus... the Magnificent, Supreme Leader of the Inhumans."

[1:49:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: who let him out of the house

[1:51:56 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa and Maximus are giving their respective back stories for the Inhumans to their respective audiences and it's hilarious

[1:53:08 AM] Cool Dadneato: and yet I think the best part of all is that they are both delivering the same biased story

[1:53:30 AM] Hexiva: with the same biases?

[1:53:37 AM] Cool Dadneato: yes

[1:54:02 AM] Cool Dadneato: Inhumans are superior, peaceful, and did no wrong

[1:56:21 AM] Cool Dadneato: oh jfc, Medusa just informed Peter that they were escaping a plague on Earth, and she pulled back a sleeve to show crystals growing out of her skin, apparently Inhumans are suffering from some slow Terrigen death thing

[1:57:11 AM] Cool Dadneato: that explains all the crystals sticking out of Lockjaw

[1:59:13 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus is describing the plague to the others very dramatically, apparently it completely changed the slave caste, -dramatic fists- THEIR STRENGTH INCREASED A HUNDREDFOLD

[2:00:59 AM] Cool Dadneato: "Unfortunately, for the rest of us-- " -DRAMATIC PAUSE IN FRONT OF FROZEN BLACK BOLT- "It will prove quite fatal!"

[2:02:13 AM] Cool Dadneato: question, Mad Max, why is your esteemed dramafullness totally fine, you look the least sick of anybody and I call bullshit

[2:03:28 AM] Cool Dadneato: "Fortunately, I have found a cure! Soon, I'll have enough to save the rest of my family!"

sounds fake but okay

[2:04:25 AM] Cool Dadneato: "Even Black Bolt, my poor, mute brother."

aw, even him, in this fake story

[2:06:01 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa: "Since it was the Kree who created the Inhumans, we hoped they'd find a cure."

really? and how's that working out for you?

[2:07:26 AM] Cool Dadneato: for the record, the Inhumans are a race of slave WMDs to the Kree

[2:07:56 AM] Cool Dadneato: that doesn't sound like a place to start negotiations on

[2:10:12 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa: -GASPS- "My husband, the king, is missing!"

-checks the chamber next to his- "And so is his rat of a brother, Maximus!"

[2:10:25 AM] Cool Dadneato: :.) this fam

[2:20:39 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa: "What have you done with my husband, the king?!"

Rocket: "I thought you was the king."

Maximus: -ULTRA DRAMATIC SPIN- "By right, I should be! I isolated the Terrigen plague! I found the cure! While this one said nothing! DID NOTHING! UNTIL HE HIMSELF SUCCUMBED TO THE THREAT! Black Bolt is unworthy of the crown! Maximus is the true savior of the Inhumans!"

Rocket: "Okaaaaay... Well good luck with that."

[2:21:09 AM] Hexiva: that third person

[2:21:55 AM] Cool Dadneato: no time for theatre

[2:22:36 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa and Maximus are going to continue this without Rocket

[2:22:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: the show must go on

[2:25:12 AM] Cool Dadneato: "BEHOLD!"

Maximus, what am I beholding, will you please stop this bullshit if we put you on the Genetics Council with a cute title

[2:26:06 AM] Hexiva: why would you let that guy on the eugenics panel

[2:27:32 AM] Cool Dadneato: what damage can he possibly do there besides suggest terrible marriages

[2:27:43 AM] Cool Dadneato: "COMPLETE AND TOTAL MIND CONTROL!!!" -WILD LAUGHTER-

[2:28:09 AM] Cool Dadneato: okay fine, lock this fool up again

[2:31:08 AM] Cool Dadneato: "OBEY ME, BROTHER! DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM ALL!"

ho, they were such a decent audience

smack him in the mouth, Drax

[2:31:31 AM] Hexiva: maximus why

[2:32:16 AM] Cool Dadneato: Drax got his ass beat by mind-controlled Blackagar

[2:32:51 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus is looking through the hole in the wall

[2:33:05 AM] Cool Dadneato: AND LAUGHING AGAIN

[2:35:01 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus: "Finally! One of you will listen to what I say!"

I honestly wouldn't be shocked if that's what this is about

bitch needs attention

[2:36:13 AM] Cool Dadneato: Groot just got asskicked

[2:37:46 AM] Cool Dadneato: Gamora just got asskicked

[2:39:02 AM] Cool Dadneato: Rocket just got shrugged off because he's using an energy weapon and that's non-effective against Black Bolt

[2:39:54 AM] Cool Dadneato: my god Maximus is doing a little dance in the background

[2:40:06 AM] Cool Dadneato: while laughing

[2:42:02 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter decided to use Lockjaw to teleport behind Maximus and MAXIMUS BITCHSLAPPED HIM

[2:42:09 AM] Cool Dadneato: EMBARRASSING

[2:42:27 AM] Cool Dadneato: DEFEATED BY MAXIMUS

[2:42:35 AM] Hexiva: GOOD

[2:45:43 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "Don't... Make me open this box! Inside it is a weapon that can destroy the whole city!"

Maximus: "Oh?! This I must see. Open it!"

called

[2:48:07 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "No, you don't understand! We'll all be vaporised! Instantly!"

Maximus: "How exciting! Open it! Now!"

called again

[2:48:37 AM] Cool Dadneato: this isn't working Peter

[2:52:21 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter gave up and opened his box and there was a cosmic cube inside and the flash of light still managed to blind Maximus and make him lose control of Blackagar

[2:52:45 AM] Cool Dadneato: embarrassing, Maximus

[2:53:46 AM] Cool Dadneato: Blackagar immediately ran to Medusa and Maximus ran the fuck out

[2:56:24 AM] Cool Dadneato: they also found out the cube accelerated the crystal plague the Inhumans are infected with

[2:58:17 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "That's AWESOME!!"

Drax: "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

[3:00:40 AM] Cool Dadneato: RONAN THE ACCUSER JUST SHOWED UP

[3:01:22 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus: "Ah, see, I told you I was expecting someone else."

[3:02:22 AM] Cool Dadneato: yeah how does selling out your species feel you evil fuck

[3:06:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: Medusa: "Maximus! What. Have. You. DONE?!"

Maximus: -mimicking her tone- "Just. What. You. Wanted! I have formed an alliance with the Kreeee!"

[3:13:01 AM] Cool Dadneato: "I give them an invincible crystal army, and in return Attilan becomes part of the Kree Empire, with myself as Supreme Leader, of course."

you negotiated Attilan's unconditional surrender? you truly are our hero

[3:19:39 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter: "He can't do that. Ronan's an outlaw even among his own people."

Rocket: "You cut a deal with the one guy in the galaxy who's crazier than you!"

-Maximus' facial expression is beautiful-

[3:23:31 AM] Cool Dadneato: Ronan: "Get out of my sight, you filth."

Maximus: -pathetically- "But... I don't understand... !"

[3:24:40 AM] Cool Dadneato: jfc, Ronan just curbstomped Maximus

[3:26:11 AM] Cool Dadneato: who was already sitting on the ground looking pathetic

[3:29:18 AM] Cool Dadneato: Ronan plans to destroy the city, he is absolutely not impressed with the tribute army

[3:31:34 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus says this is fine, he rather die than bow to his brother ever again

[3:32:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: he threw a tantrum, destroyed the cure, and ran off

[3:34:31 AM] Cool Dadneato: does Maximus ever get bored of hearing himself

[3:34:47 AM] Hexiva: NO

[3:35:39 AM] Cool Dadneato: that is rhetorical

[3:38:00 AM] Cool Dadneato: he loves hearing himself

[3:39:02 AM] Cool Dadneato: Maximus: "Bravo! A front row seat for the apocalypse!" -LAUGHS MANIACALLY-

[3:45:58 AM] Cool Dadneato: omfg, this episode rapidly escalated to its dramatic ending

[3:54:52 AM] Cool Dadneato: Peter Quill uses the cosmic cube to cure the plague, Black Bolt destroys the Kree warship (leaving Ronan to shout that he will have his REVENGE!!! from within the shielded pieces of the Kree bridge)

cut to Maximus chuckling and talking to himself from where he's chained in a dark, windowless dungeon

Maximus: "Hahaha, oh the irony. Defeated by the great Star-Lord, who can't find what sees with a map, which he holds with both hands; the further he goes, the farther away he gets... !"

-starts laughing until the Inhumans click a mental dampening device in place and his expression goes blank in surprise and he's cut off abruptly-

[3:55:59 AM] Cool Dadneato: and then everyone happily goes home, except Peter wishes he knew what that weirdness was all about

#thecorteztwins #out of character

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