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daydreamingabouthockey · 5 years

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Somewhere in Stockholm Chapter 2

Word count:1,775

Masterlist.

Chapter 1

Note: chapter 2 of Somewhere in Stockholm sorry this took awhile. I’m refreshed I took a holiday to Stockholm so I have some new inspiration. Ft Alex Nylander (sorry about the weird formatting I’m trying to fix it atm)

Maggie stood outside a yellow painted apartment block on a deserted quiet street. She stared at the buzzers until she found the one labelled Altelius . A small buzzer sounded, She pushed the door and found herself in a small but grand hallway with a large chandelier and a grand staircase. Damn this was fancy and this was his second home where he only came in the off season?

She hauled her suitcase up the flights of stairs Stopping on the fourth floor and a white doors with the numbers ninety written on it, she knocked on the door and waited. It was opened by a young blonde boy, he had a half asleep expression on his face, wearing only a pair of sweatpants and was mid way through brushing his teeth. “Hi, i’m Maggie?” she said unsure.

“Sorry wrong flat” he said or at least that is what she thought he said before slamming the door in her face.Maggie stood there stunned for a moment unsure what to think apart from she must have been at the wrong place, but Will had definitely text her flat ninety. She knocked again. This time she could hear from inside the flat two boys arguing in Swedish. The door eventually opened again but this time, a different blonde answered the door and Maggie swore her heart skipped a beat. This guy was handsome, tall, Blue eyes a flow of long blonde hair and was naked from the waist up and from what she could see this guy was ripped. Suddenly she understood Morgan’s warning. Oh boy she was in trouble. “Hi I’m Maggie,” She said a little unsure. Her cheeks burning. “Ah Maggie, Mo’s erm friend, hi,I’m Willy ” he said pulling her in for a hug and Maggie had never felt more awkward. Why had he said friend like that? Also she was hugging a topless stranger in a hallway and damn how ripped what this dude? “Come in,” he said grinning, he grabbing her suitcase and pulling it in.“You don’t have to do that, its ok, it’s kind of heavy,” she said trying to pull it off him but in the process losing the tug of war, I mean duh, he was a pro athlete. “It’s okay, hey Alex come say hey,” he yelled out. The younger boy from earlier returned into the hallway still only wearing his sweatpants. What was up with these boys? Was wearing clothes optional or something? If so she was not going to complain. “Eh?” the younger boy Alex asked.“We have a guest young Nylander,”Will said hitting his brother over the head. Alex turned to stare at Maggie “Oh hi, sorry I erm slammed the door in your face,” he said and she got the feeling Alex Nylander didn’t like her very much. “Its okay,” she spluttered still distracted by the two blondes. She could feel her cheeks flushing. “We’ve had a couple of fans turn up to our flat recently, so now we’re a bit wary,hence the name change on the buzzer to Altelius instead of Nylander,”. “Oh wow, people really do that,” “Yeah, I had a grandma chase me down the road last week,” Will joked at least she thought he was. She really couldn’t tell.“So you can take my room it’s just through here,” Will said pointing to the door “Oh,”. “Something wrong?” He asked running his hands through his hair. Something she found very distracting. “I mean I know Morgan said your a bit of a charmer but I think you got me a bit wrong,I can’t share a bed, with you I don’t know you and” Maggie blabbered nervously . He stopped her and laughed “Chill Maggie, I’ll sleep on the sofa, I’m not trying to, wait what did Mo say about me?” He asked with a cheeky grin and a laugh. “Oh nothing,” she said suddenly turning red as a tomato. He gave her the full tour of the place, kitchen, living room, a swish bathroom which was all in true scandivanian style and looked like it had come straight out of an ikea catalogue. He showed her Alex’s room which looked chaotic. Clothes all overspilling from his suitcase and cans of red bull dotted around any available surface, papers haphazardly piled on the desk in the corner.When Maggie was finally led into William’s room she was surprised at the contrast of the two brother’s rooms. She surveyed the room around her, double bed with grey sheets, a bedside cabinet, the room was clean and sparse like no-one really lived in this room apart from a few personal items. A blue maple leafs duffle bag identical to the one, she had seen at Morgan’s place. Beside the bed was a photo of she assumed his family given they all looked identical, blonde hair blue eyed, mum, sisters, Alex and a bald man who he guessed must of been his dad. Apart from that the room didn’t seem very lived in. Maggie flopped down on the bed, picking up her phone to text her family to let them all know she was safe.

To: Mom

From: Maggie

Hey Mom just telling you know, I arrived in Stockholm. I’ll call you in a couple of days love you! M x

Then she quickly typed out a message to Morgan.

To: Mo Bro

From: Maggie

Made it safely to Willy’s of course I’ve embarrassed myself already. Also does erm Willy think clothes are something optional?

Her phone pinged back immediately.

To: Maggie

From: Mo Bro

Oh no what did you do? I forgot to warn you about that, he is very liberal with clothing must be a European thing. He walks around half naked at lot at the rink. You get used to it. X

She was pulled out of her daze by Will wandering into the room, who was thankfully now wearing a t-shirt. “Hey,” he said smiling widely “So i’m not sure if you had anything planned whilst you were here but me and Alex were going to and watch the Eurovision later, if you want to come, there doing this big event in Kungsträdgården Park” Willy asked sitting down on the bed. “Sure I’ve never seen the eurovision before,”

“Your in for a treat then,” he said and she could have sworn he winked at her. Was William Nylander flirting with her? She sat on the bed, she had only just met this guy. She had met a fair few hockey boys growing up and being friends with one and she had sworn off dating hockey players after learning the hard way with Leo Mustang the star player for the Giants in Vancouver. She had met him through Morgan and despite his warning she had dated him anyway something which backfired massively on her later when he brutally dumped her for a hotter skinner blonde girl at a party in front of all of his friends. The only saving grace was that Morgan had been there to pick her up and defend her. Like the true best friend he was. He hadn’t ever once told her I told you so even though she knew he was thinking it. She loved Morgan for that. An hour later Maggie had showered, power nap and was ready to go out on a new adventure. William effortlessly weaved through the winding streets of the buildings were coloured white, yellows and reds. Maggie looked around in joy. There was nothing like this at home. This place was beautiful. “I don’t understand the deal with this Eurovision,” she sighed putting another mouthful of strawberry ice cream in her mouth. They had stopped off at what Alex had described as the best ice cream in Stockholm. “I didn’t either at first when I moved here from Canada, it’s weird, countries singing weird songs and perform in the strangest outfits then everyone gets angry when neighbouring countries vote for each other, for us it’s a night we watch tv and get drunk, it’s just even more hyped up this year because it’s in our city,”

“Ah well it sounds like fun so, Mo said you live out in Sweden during the off season you live here all the time you are here?”

“Some of the time, I spend a lot of time at my parents, this is just mine and Alex’s place,”

“Oh wow it’s so nice,” she said, nodding. In Seattle, she shared a tiny apartment with her best friend Molly and her boyfriend, Brad. She had become excellent at being third wheel to them. She could only dream of owning her own place.“So how did you meet Morgan? I thought a pretty girl like you he’s been showing you off?”

“Oh I live in Seattle but me and Morgs go way back we met at school in Couver,”

“Ah makes sense,” she said blushing.

“What brings you to Sweden apart from you know meeting me?” He asked with a playful grin. She laughed and pushed Willy.

“I’m interrailing around Europe,”

“And Mo didn’t want to come?”

“Nah he’d rather sit on his butt, see Maggie, his dog, play golf and go fishing,”

“Wait he named his dog after you?”

“Yeah well, he refuses to admit it,” she said with a shrug.

“So when he’s talking about Maggie,” he said, his eyes suddenly lighting up like it makes sense. “He was talking about you and not the dog?”

“Yes,” she said bursting out into laughter.

“That makes a lot more sense I wondered why he told me me and Maggie got dressed up and went for dinner,” he shrugged. “Did you have a bath with him?”

“Ew no” Maggie said with a laugh “that one was the dog,that is weird, I would never shower with him,”wrinkling her nose as she laughed.

“You and Morgan aren’t?” He asked his tilting head.

“God no he’s my best friend,”

“Oh okay good, I mean not good cool,” he said blushing and running through his hands through his hair again and awkwardly laughing. The pair went silent for a moment until Alex suddenly said goodbye turning to walk away.

“Where is he going? Are we not..” she trailed pointing to Alex walking up the hill

“Oh Alex is going to meet some of his friends, I said we’d meet back later, but I was thinking you might be hungry?”

It was that moment when Maggie’s stomach had decided to loudly gurgle. “Well I think that settles it and I know just the place,” he said with a wide grin.

#toronto maple leafs #william nylander #nhl #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #maple leafs #nhl drabble #nhl fic #william nylander imagine #alex nylander imagine #alex nylander #somewhere in stockholm #toronto maple leafs writing #toronto maple leaf imagine

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nyaheum · 4 years

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Eurovision 2020 – The Least Useful List Ever

Disclaimer: I am absolutely biased towards certain styles of music and am probably the least impartial person ever. I also don‘t take anything seriously, so you shouldn‘t make that mistake with this list. I mean, Eurovision has been postponed anyway and we‘re all going mad in self-isolation.

France: Tom Leeb – Mon Alliée

MEEEH, it‘s a dude with a guitar singing a quiet love song. Super basic and also super boring. Would be better if there was no English in it, that makes it worse. 3 Points.

Czech Republic: Benny Cristo – Kemama

Czechia has a type. It‘s kinda fun, but it‘s not my style of music. This could be on the radio and I‘d be „Okay, I‘m driving anyway“. There‘s not enough happening for me here. 4 Points.

Armenia: Athena Manoukian – Chains On You

Someone saw Ukraine‘s entry from last year, huh. But I actually kinda like it. I actually like the aesthetic more than the song itself, but it‘s kinda good. Except for the super basic chorus. Wouldn‘t add to my playlist but I don‘t mind it. 5 Points.

Italy: Diodato - Fai Rumore

Hey, I‘m having a déjà vu. Another non-english love song. But this is better than the french one, simply because there‘s actually some emotion in this dudes voice. Also Italy just gets sympathy points from me at this point. 5 Points.

Russia: Little Big – Uno

I love this song so much. It‘s so much fun. It‘s so stupid and campy. In short: very Eurovision. It‘s also just very interesting instrumental-wise. At least I think it is. I really like it. (also their dancer in the blue jumpsuit doing splits and a death drop? Icon) 10/12 Points.

Denmark: Ben & Tan – YES

Why does this sound like Shallow to me? I think it‘s the guitar and the male and female voice. Anyway if it‘s Shallow it‘s bad Shallow. NO from me. I don‘t like the pacing. BUT if they had had a live performance at least it would‘ve been great for audience participation. 4 Points

Estonia: Uku Suviste – What Love Is

Oh. It‘s that kind of song, huh. Why does th music video like this. Why are there spider webs on the microphone. Why is there the word „LOVE“ in an empty industrial hall. Why does he do so many vocal runs. Just a big WHY from me. 2 Points.

Romania: ROXEN – Alcohol You

I know this was the fan favourite song, but I liked literally ALL OTHER songs she had more than this one. It does look really cool though. It‘s also very modern, but there‘s not enough build-up for me? Or rather, it sounds like it builds up to something and it doesn‘t really in the end? Like it builds up to something, but it doesn‘t go as hard as I would have liked it to? But that‘s just me. 6 Points.

Azerbaijan: Efendi – Cleopatra

Okay, this is my guilty pleasure song this year. The music video is super weird (the dancers all look like they do not want to be there, she‘s suddenly dancing around a car in an outfit from 2009 and she‘s raking around in a baththub full of gold dust?), the text is super basic BUT holy shit I just love the pre-chorus and the chorus. I mean. What‘s going on there?...Whatever it is, I like it. 7 Points.

Albania: Arilena Ara – Fall From The Sky

She reminds me of Poppy, of all people. But her voice is deeper. Her song is also more basic. I really have nothing to say about thsi, except that it sounds like a song from last years ESC but I don‘t know which one right now. 2 Points.

Greece: Stefania – SUPERG!RL

If we have learned anything from S!ISTERS last year, then it is that you shouldn‘t replace I‘s with exclamation marks. Also why is she singing about her being super strong and stuff and then she uses her powers to...make two bullies probably break their noses?...and why did the nerd draw her (so weirdly)? What is this music video… 2 Points

Portugal: Elisa – Medo De Sentir

Conan was robbed last year and therefore I cannot like whatever Portugal does this year. Conveniently, I also don‘t like this song. I swear, there‘s slow and quiet songs I like, it‘s just not...this kind. 3 Points

Moldova: Natalia Gordienko - Prison

This year‘s music videos are so obscure, but at least this isn‘t the slow-mo-romance from last year. That being said...I do not like her face being so close to the camera. The song is surprisingly decent though. In an Eurovision context, duh. 4 Points

Malta: Destiny – All Of My Love

Two things: Destiny‘s voice is absolutely stunning. I love listening to her sing. She really knows what she‘s doing. And: although I had to skip the narration at the beginning (it made me uncomfortable??) it‘s a great song. It‘s fun. They‘re also all covering their mouths and noses. Truly ahead of their time. 7 Points.

Serbia: Hurricane – Hasta La Vista

My immediate reaction to that opening shot was: „Oh, hatred will win again huh?“. That‘s pretty much all they had in common with Iceland though. Something is wrong about this Instrumental. I don‘t know what it is, but it sounds off-beat for some reason? It‘s super weird to listen to, I don‘t know. It‘s also, eh, basic? 3 Points

Poland: Alicja – Empires

I knew an Alicia in school and I hated her with all I had. I wouldn‘t say I dislike this song that much, but I also don‘t...really like it? I‘m always sceptical about songs that have very ambigious lyrics and then show some political stuff in the music video because I just KNOW that they do that so they can collect their Internet points while not risking to lose the points of older people who only watch the Contest on TV and will never see the music video. Apart from that, I just don‘t care for the song, honestly. 4 Points

San Marino: Senhit – Freaky! So, in the years where San Marino doesn‘t send Serhat, can we borrow him? I mean, he works in Germany anyway and speaks German, so it shouldn‘t be a problem, right? About the song: yeah, why not. Sounds a bit like they tried to do a little bit of Lizzo here, and I don‘t mind it. The people who did the music video also saw Ukraines entry from last year. The scene where they‘re all touching each other is basically the same. 5 Points

North Macedonia: Vasil – YOU

ME?! Why is he in the „She Got Me“-Bar by the way? And why is there a passed out guy in the background?! Is that girl wearing a Scrunchy? This whole video is She Got Me. Only worse. IT‘S EVEN THE SAME LOCATION?? 2 Points

Iceland: Daði og Gagnamagnið – Think About Things

I haven‘t seen one person on the Internet who dislikes this song and I...for once...am part of the hype. I love this song, I love these people, it‘s so stupid and that‘s why it‘s amazing. Iceland just gets Eurovision recently. It‘s also a total bop, all other things apart. I‘m humming it at least once a day, it‘s becoming a problem. Daði ALSO lives in Germany, so I think we can claim this song at least a bit? 12 Points

Finland: Aksel – Looking Back

In German, your „Axel“ is your arm pit. I just though you should know that. And I‘m only writing that because this song makes me feel nothing. It just faded right out as soon as I looked at my computer screen. It was gone immediately. 3 Points

Sweden: The Mamas – Move

Good voices. This sounds a lot like their song from last year for some reason. I mean. It even has the same lights or am I going mad?? It‘s totally fine though. 5 Points

Cyprus: Sandro – Running

This will sound weird, but...he looks like a german teenager. I can‘t explain it, he just DOES. Yes, the weird moustache totally included. With me talking about this, you can probably guess that I do not care about this song eiter. Bleh. 4 Points.

Slovenia: Ana Soklic – Voda

We wanna pRääääy – I know she (probably) isn‘t singing that but I can‘t hear anything else. The way she looks at the camera also weirdly bothers me, but that might just be because I can‘t really do eye contact. By the way, the chorus totally sounds like Paper from Iceland 2017. To me. I can‘t explain myself. 5 Points

Bulgaria: Victoria – Tears Getting Sober

Ouh...that title. She‘s going for a Billie Eilish-vibe, isn‘t she. She so is. And I wouldn‘t mind usually, but this is...very obvious. Like, VERY. I also don‘t care a lot for Billie Eilish‘s music, so, you know… 3 Points

Ireland: Lesley Roy – Story Of My Life

„Hey, Lesley, we‘re selling you to One Direction so we can go to the Eurovision Finale.“ What do you mean, it‘s not that Story Of My Life? Hmpfh. She also does not look like she should have that voice. She looks a bit like a middle-aged lesbian, if I dare say so. Why are there so many songs this year that I do not care about? AAAAH. 4 Points

Austria: Vincent Bueno – Alive

Damn, I want a Kinder Bueno now. His voice caught me a little bit off guard, I won‘t lie. And I know he‘s Austrian, but he looks like he‘s a classmate of the guy from Cyprus. Both weirdly german teenager-esque. The song is fine. Still not my genre. She can dance though, so I like him. 5 Points

Israel: Eden Alene – Feker Libi

What I conclude from this song: Israel is not yet ready to win again. I mean, the song is totally fine, but...it‘s not anything special? It just blends right in with the song from before. And I wanted to give bonus points for native language, but just the chorus doesn‘t count. Nuh-uh. 4 Points

The Netherlands: Jeangu Macrooy – Glow

Ah, the Dutch, known for weed and speaking funny German. One thing I genuinely don‘t get: if you are the hosting country, why send ballads or sad songs? I mean, the chances of you winning are so slim, you might as well send a song that‘s entertaining for the home crowd. Maybe in your native language, maybe with a catchy and fun chorus or a repeatable dance move...(may I mention Germany‘s opening act when they hosted the contest in 2011 and the way Stefan Raab completely transformed the song to have it be more fun and entertaining? Not the same thing, but I just think it needs attention). The song isn‘t bad, though. 4 Points

Switzerland: Gjon‘s Tears – Répondez-moi

Oh look, the Swiss remembered they know French. I swear, if they send a German song before us and all of Europe and Australia has to listen to Swiss-German I will throw something. Anyway. It‘s better than the Song sent by France. I like the „Ah-aaah“-parts a lot actually. Honestly, I quite like this song in general. The longer I listen to it, the more I like it. Oh no. 7 Points

Latvia: Samanta Tina – Still Breathing

Why do I feel like I heard this song already? Like, in this list. At least she has a very subtle hat. She won‘t stand out a lot. That reminds me, I don‘t understand art. I have also reached the chorus now and have to say that it still sounds a little bit like Azerbaijan but it‘s actually pretty cool. I don‘t know why, but there‘s just something about it. 7 Points

Georgia: Tornike Kipiani – Take Me As I Am

Okay, don‘t add me, but I really like this song. No jokes here. I just really love the way Georgia keeps sending super angry dudes to Eurovision and nobody cares about it. Although he sounds a lot less scary than Oto, which, in my book, gives him some minus points. Still. I like this. This Song also has more German in it than the German Song. Just pointing that out. 8 Points

Germany: Ben Dolic – Violent Thing

When I first heard this song, I absolutely despised it. I think it‘s just my natural reaction to Germany‘s songs nowaday. Anyway, everyone keeps saying that Germany finally has a good song again like it‘s been ages and ages. But, let‘s be real: 2019 was really bad, yeah, but 2018 was super good, I love 2015‘s Black Smoke to this day and we won in 2010, which, for a contests that only occurs every year and has more than 40 contestans, is not bad at all. What I want to say with that: yes, it‘s actually good, but it‘s not our first good song in decades. 7 Points / Not allowed to vote for it

Belarus: VAL – Da Vidna

This is the first video that YouTube gave me an ad for and I‘m not here for it. I know I‘m supposed to judge the song, but I also have to ask: what does she have on her head? That is a serious question. What is that. She also looks like my cousin a little bit, which is neither good nor bad for her. I‘d like to give her native language points, but two things bother me: a) what is she doing with those dudes and b) I don‘t like this song. 2 Points

Lithuania: The Roop – On Fire

(The Roop! The Roop! The Roop is on fire!) I love this. And what I mean by „this“ is the full package. The song is fine by itself (yes, I like weird songs) but his whole demeanor is just so obsucre...I love it. He manages to look like an extremely serious person while doing the silliest moves ever. He also just looks SO Eastern-European, it‘s ridiculous. 10 Points

Croatia: Damir Kedzo - Divlji Vjetre

He does not look like he should sing this kind of song. He looks like a German amateur rapper. Yes I know, it‘s not my fault that a lot of people look German. I don‘t like this song! I‘m sorry! 2 Points

United Kingdom: James Newman – My Last Breath

There‘s a fire-, no wait, wrong guitar intro. This dude looks like what my brother would looks like if he could grew a proper beard and was a few years older. I don‘t know what you are supposed to do with this information, but at least you have it now. For an UK song, this is absolutely decent. 4 Points

Ukraine: Go_A – Solovey

Yesss, ethnic stuff! I love this song, it‘s absolutely great. And her dress is absolutely stunning. I can‘t even think of anything funny to say about this song, it just totally takes me in. 10 Points

Spain: Blas Cantó – Universo

Can we have La Venda back please? And what is he doing with his hands? And why does he look like he does YouTube? So many questions, so little answers in this music video...(no, seriously, I KNOW this dude from somewhere.) 3 Points

Belgium: Hooverphonic – Release

Yah, Release me from this song please. I‘m getting sick of these songs!! Why is everyone whining, the world is bad enough already!! I‘m using two exclamation marks at once so it‘s serious!! And she says losing game, which is a direct nod to Arcade which led the Netherlands to the win. It‘s song science. Or for short: love love peace peace and all that. 2 Points

Norway: Ulrikke – Attention

Whenever I read the word „Attention“, all I can think about is Todrick Hall. Which is a problem, because this isn‘t…a party song. By the way, why is she squinting so hard? She looks like she‘s in physical pain. And not the „I‘m so sad“-way, but the „I really need to go to the toilet please“-way. I‘m running out of things to say so I have to resort to potty humour. Sorry. 2 Points.

Australia: Montaigne – Don‘t Break Me

I know we have all seen the outfit already, but why does she look like that. She also looks so lost on stage? I feel bad for her, but not because of the lyrics but because of the look on her face. Oh, and about the song: meh? 4 Points

FINAL TOP TEN:

One Point: Azerbaijan

Two Points: Malta

Three Points: Germany (I can‘t really vote for them but who cares there‘s no contest)

Four Points: Latvia

Five Points: Switzerland

Six Points: Georgia

Seven Points: Lithuania

Eight Points: Ukraine

Ten Points: Russia

Twelve Points: Iceland

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borisbubbles · 5 years

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Eurovision 2010s: 95 - 91

95. Duncan Laurence - “Arcade” the Netherlands 2019

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2019 will forever go down as the year where Europe learned all about piano ballads and bisexuality, which we have Duncan to thank for! Inclusive icon <3 And let us be honest, “Arcade” was pretty awesome. It’s a wonderfully immersive moody ballad that connects deeply on a personal level, peppered with instantly memorable gutpunchers (”Loving you is a losing game” is both an amazing line and painfully relatable). Excellent backdrop and camerawork gave the song a vibe of palpable desolation. Major props of this camera shot near the end:

^ this is a moneymaker. Well done, Hans Pancake.

And the most important thing is, ummm, hello, the Netherlands will host Eurovision 2020, meaning I can attend next year in person without bankrupting myself. 😍

However, despite the fact that “Arcade” is a pretty great entry overall, it has one GIANT problem: The act is terrible, and I *will* ::cracks knuckles:: proceed to roast the shit out of it. 🤜😤🤛

Now, I understand what Hans was going for his usual tryhard pseudo-cinematic spiel. However, -and independendly from my general distaste for the ‘White Guy With a Piano’ trope (this is 2019 how is anyone still gushing over them like they’re a fucking novelty O__O)-, sitting down is always a losing game. It is a momentum-slayer, and therefore never a good idea. The fact that they kept on tweaking the camera angles during the rehearsals says enough, honestly. The Dutch tried to amend the lack of dynamism with that stupid glowing orb and I mean:

Duncan is actually a fairly attractive dude but that lightning makes him look as if he’s terminally ill. You know when you DON’T get bad lighting angles such as this? When you stand up, like a normal fucking person. 😤

Many others also critically panned that (let’s be honest) ugly-as-sin piano. The Dutch delegation responded with the usual pretentious rubbish:

um sorry wrong shitpost, hang on... ah, found the right one:

and I mean, who the fuck cares? Just because it’s ~vintage~ doesn’t mean it’s not ugly. Just because it’s ~vintage~ doesn’t mean we have to like it? Not a single casual fan will recognize that piano as a vintage prop, just as an hideous one, WHICH. IT. IS. The pretentious elitism/glaring stupidity behind it all just makes me wanna SPITT!! 😤 Karma quickly caught up with the Dutch arrogance however when their 56% or whatever ridiculous winner odds they had amounted to... Third place with the juries and Second Place with the audience. 😈 and “Soldi” becoming the europe-wide summer hit instead of “Arcade” 😈 In the immortal words of Kim Kardashian, #ItIsWhatSheDeserves.

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94. Lucie Jones - “Never give up on you” United Kingdom 2017

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[2017 Review here]

It seems the UK is limited to ONE great entry per decade, but Lucie definitely deserving of love. “Never give up on you” transformed from the most boring song ever into a genuinely gripping support song and well, it’s really great? Lucie is a cherub-voiced seraph who carries this song into the highest powerballad eschelons and that’s no easy feat!

Unfortunately, the UK, like always, fell victim to anti-Brexit sabotage causing them to flop!!

Damn’ you Remainers, will the bullying EVER END???? and that was the UK,

Honestly, I expected much worse given how blasé the BBC usually is towards Eurovision? It’s really not the fault of their entrants though, who always give their all and get screwed over through circumstance. Yes, “Brexit” is the buzzword being tossed around as a humorous excuse for the non-stop British failures, but let’s be honest we all know it’s just the BBC’s attitude towards ESC. Perhaps the Big 5 should have a Brexit of its own...x

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93. Amir - “J’ai cherché” France 2016

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Shock boot? Well, no I think #93 is actually a really good spot for Amir. After booting most glorious trashfests that are bad songs, it becomes time to slowly boot the good songs that aren’t trashy. 😭

However, I do recognize Amir as a well-deserving ~Legendary~ French entry. It feels like a long time ago, but France was one of the most underperforming countries in Eurovision until Amir strolled along to capture everyone’s hearts with his irresistable magnetism <3 “J’ai cherché” is an infectuously cheerful song, with it’s toe-tapping goodness brightening up my day every time I listen-listen.

That said, I DO have to put my big boy panties on and make a big boy decision: We’re closely making way towards the god-tier and the further we go, the less “this is a good song and little else” is going to cut it. THANK YOUOUOUOUOUOU FOR MAKING-MAKING FRANCE STRONG AGAIN, THOUGH ^__^

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92. Sunstroke Project - “Hey Mamma” Moldova 2017

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[2017 Review here]

GLORIOUS MEMELORDS <3

It came as a surprise at the time, but retroactively we all should’ve seen Sunstroke’s top 3 finish from lightyears away. Other than Olia, “Hey Mamma” has all the ingredients that made “Runaway” good, but improves them. There is EPIC SAX

There is instant hilarity of their trademark non-English (”I AM NOT THAT UNFOUNDED BOY” lmao what???)

There is a ridiculous underlying storyline (song about an angry mother-in-law / pre-marital sex <3)

There are wacky visuals, such as this ICONIC leg choreography

or the JUST AS memorable bridesmaid twist:

It really just is the old Moldovan adage of transforming nothing into EVERYTHING using a few very clever stage-hacks, but brought to a whole higher level. 😍 Sometimes I wonder whether we are worthy of their presence, but as long as Moldova continue blessing us with their staging magic, Eurovision will be a better place.

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91. Malcolm Lincoln & Manpower 4 - “Siren” Estonia 2010

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One of the things that make Estonia my favourite country in Eurovision (as well as a top 5 country in *general*), is that they are MASTERS of the alternative genre. 😍 Eesti Laul is so fun because of... um well, mostly because of all the ridiculously named bands that compete in their NF (Vanilla Ninja <3 Tenfold Rabbit <3 Facelift Deer <3), but also because it’s a place for refuge for indie darlings, quite unlike any other ESC country.

However, “Siren” marks the only time one of said indie darlings actually won Eesti Laul and that makes them very special to me. The song is a beautiful, haunting, touching ethereal soliloquy on how lame life has been and the yearning for the strength to carry on... which, I don’t know about you, but GOSH SO RELATABLE!!!

Further enhanced by the fact that Robin Jukhental is a lovable dork, hopping around the stage as an avatar of social anxiety, as his second-in-command absolutely WRECKS that piano <3. In other words, the exact type of entry the audience would despise but I am smitten by. ANGELS <3

#Eurovision #Eurovision Song Contest #Estonia #Moldova #France #United Kingdom #Netherlands #Duncan Laurence #Arcade #Lucie Jones #Never give up on you #Amir Haddad #J'ai cherché #Sunstroke Project #Hey Mamma #Malcolm Lincoln #Siren

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konstantinwrites · 7 years

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Treasures from the Roof of the Insurmountable, Part 1

Small Worlds XI (Wassily Kandinsky)

Hi friends! So, I ranked all 42 songs of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest. It was as simple as comparing each song to every other and missing every social event for a month. I didn’t give /10 scores and didn’t add a bunch of space between songs to signify gaps in quality, like a cool blog would. However, many generous friends of mine reviewed these songs as well. For an alternative, reasonable point of view, theirs is here.

I understand that asking to listen to 42 three-minute songs on the Internet should be reserved for astonishing lovers, but I hope that you’ll give them a play. The reviews are based primarily on the studio versions, linked in the title, but for fun I more strongly recommend the embedded live performances. This turned into an epic nine-parter only by luck -- Tumblr wisely halts this kind of obsessiveness by setting a limit of five embedded videos per post.

Anyway, I think you’ll like at least some songs. Not this next one, but some.

42: Spirit of the Night by Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson (San Marino) (Returnee, Eurovision 2012, 2013, 2014)

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I will make a conscious effort not to embalm you in Eurovision completely, but I have to bend here since Valentina Monetta breaks all unwritten rules anyway. This was her fourth Eurovision appearance, all for the Most Serene Republic of San Marino, in six years. San Marino houses less people than you saw this weekend, sure, but there are probably a few other musicians in the country that would like a boost to their career.

Maybe some of them were on stage for 2012’s timely “The Social Network Song” (titled “The Facebook Song”, pre-zucc), with which Valentina began her pillage of this contest. (If you have patience for exactly one hyperlink...)

The lyrics incandesce:

Are you ready for a little chat?/And a song about the Internet It's a story ‘bout a social door/You’ve never seen before;

And the “Social Network” music video, all morning bedsheets and Safari browsing and wild leers into camera, is like the aftertaste of a burp from the dude who ran ARK Music Factory.

Throughout the last eon, the early to mid 2010′s, peace still ruled. It was underpinned by dark respect for the creature, and fear, but effective and true peace it was. In Year 3, Monetta qualified to the grand final. Appearing in that show was supposed to be the prologue to another Sammarinese age of serenity. Yes, she breathed too hard and accidentally set the Finnish commentators on fire, then threshed her wings and flew out through the arena roof. Human Eurovision performers have gimmicks, too. It was our Monetta, we prayed to her benevolence, and she made other countries and micronational principalities respect us as well.

But we grew tired of living in fear ourselves. If our Monetta was truly done with this world, we would be happy to raise a new generation in peace. Families waited to resettle back to their birth land, planning carefully. At dawn, sometimes, you noted the unsavory magicks in the distance, still discharging in the air. The tribe elders knew that kids were their most important constituency: every evening, a few fun rhymes with the kids that made each of the elders look silly; every forgathering, the children could run off after roll call. Irreverence and joy, with which the children played games on the hills, was as crucial as the considered warnings that the adults were made to hear.

Come spring, at the agora, Elder Dendroch took his deepest breath of the year, all wheeze, as he screwed in the VGA cable to the projector, casting the San Marino 2015 Eurovision artist announcement onto the smooth side of the hill. During the countdown, even All-Naked Christoph went silent. This was to determine his capacity to continue to gyrate himself around the fire each morning without being clawed by Monetta and thrown into the nearest cactus. Her swift retributions of All-Naked Christoph was one of the few Acts that the tribe was grateful for; however, now they yearned for calm and agency. They were ready to pay the price -- and cover their eyes at breakfast.

What a cheer, then. It was, indeed, someone else for 2015. The slothful bards were worth their silver on this day, spooling blunt limericks on the spot, tribesfolk teary with laughter. The eyes of all, awash with joy and soapy bubbles, feasted on daydreams about this new era. Resettling back to town, with everything as it has been (apart from the bread, now a furry green pet), we gleefully watched Anita Simoncini rap -- for we could scream, “No!”. The year after that, Serhat proselytized us, trying to make what sounded like, “I am a dick tit” happen. We loved telling him that it’s not going to happen, and besides, he was the neighboring queen’s chief accountant and she was not letting him out on any more trips like that. Our power was back.

But, well... You saw the rest. You saw 2017. Not even Mostly-Naked Christoph thought that eurodance would rise again. Not even the gloomiest of the kids ever had in mind that Monetta was always in control, and that there is nothing that we can ever do but point our projector at the stars.

“Spirit of the Night” is a dance anthem structured around a conversation between two horny and dim-witted patrons of a San Marino club. “Hey, are you the one I dream about?/Baby, I am.” After successfully capturing his target’s interest with this awful line, the man proceeds to use amateur pick-up artistry to delve into the murky depths of her insecurity. “Every time I see you smile/There is sadness in your eyes.”

Luckily for him, his quarry eats this obvious nonsense up. After connecting through dance, he seals the deal by revealing that he’s a hurt, insecure man who is in need of a woman to protect him. “Hey, are you the one to take my pain?/Just take my hand/I’ve been so hurt before, it’s hard to trust again.” Nonstop key changes and a reference to obscure weather phenomena attempt to mask the utter vacuity of “Spirit of the Night,” but nobody is fooled. 1/10.

Richard Hansen

41: Keep The Faith by Tamara Gachechiladze (Georgia)

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Ten seconds in, this has all the potential in our supercluster. It becomes “Keep The Faith”, but that moody horn-driven bar can lead into a Jay-Z track, a Antony and the Johnsons symphony, or the title screen of “Swordfish”. But it becomes “Keep The Faith”, and it’s a little awkward; I live and work in Georgia, and super enjoy this country.

However, this song is derivative garbage, devoid of any sensory pleasure. It has many siblings, songs of this type, all grey, parts-per-million pollutant specks. It’s a pure ballad and a very specific type of ballad, none of which have ever been enjoyable: pie-eyed on piano, throaty-vocaled, vowel-elongating, forcefully important, crudely pitch-raising, artless fat zeppelins of songs, avoiding melodiousness by purpose and not even by chance.

I like the few seconds in the bridge where Tamara and the backup singers go, “Oh - ohhh - oh! - ohhh!”, and I like the final string cadences, the last two notes in the song. I wish they’d signaled the end to something not so comprehensively dopey.

Please also let me just add here that I adore “Mzeo” by Mari Mamadashvili, the Georgian winner of Junior Eurovision 2016.

I’ve cried listening to it. I’ve showed her performance to many people. Don’t revoke my residence permit. Look at how much good stuff Billy wrote.

Having heard a plethora of Georgian music over the past year, I really didn’t have my hopes up going into this one. But I have to hand it to Tamriko, she may have actually pulled it off. The song’s video isn’t much to talk about, and I found the opening lyrics about hiding behind a veil and then panning to a woman in a hijab to be slightly off color, but the tune and subsequent lyrics are actually pretty cool. One might say the video had my sentiments shaken, but not stirred. That’s right, I referenced James Bond (Jamesi Bondi) and how could I not? The ominous violin, three-key piano repetition and horns - the song practically screams, “put us in the next movie!” and I happen to agree.

If we got rid of the whole weird hip-but-frowning aspect and replaced it with an unmistakable gun-toting secret agent silhouette, complete with tastefully nude female figurines, Georgia might actually have a hit on their hands. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big believer in letting music speak for itself and in many ways this song does, but at the end of the day it’s also a pop song and that music video HAS to be tight. Get this out to Eon Productions, Georgia; I’ll be disappointed if Ed Sheeran gets to do another title sequence.

As far as vocals go, Tamro fits the role pretty nicely - she can really belt it and it adds to the overall grandness of the song. As a matter of fact, grand is probably the word I would use to describe this. It’s the kind of song that makes you clench your fists and pump your arms dramatically and ceremoniously. Tamo’s powerful vocals and lyrics are engaging and entertaining; my only real worry is that with such a Bond-sounding song, people might have a difficult time seeing it as its own thing. Not to mention, if people dislike James Bond, they’re probably just going to see this as some hack interpretation of an Adele hit. While some might view it as lacking in theme originality, I see it as a distinguished work operating in a certain genre (a difficult one at that). I don’t think the sky will be falling on this song any time soon! Qochagh, Sakartvelo! 8/10.

Billy Moran

40: Gravity by Hovig (Cyprus)

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The lifetime of this adult contemporary rockvomit is: released to the suffering masses, all 4th grade boys for three days repeat-blast “Gravity” on the family speakers, then torrent Battlefield and yelp and chaotically shake their faces to its menu music and forget about “Gravity” forever. No other integration of this song into a human life can be permitted.

This wailing, free trial-distortion-effects, tragically detached one-dimensional nonsense would take aback a NHL video highlights editor, and they’re immune to this stuff. “Gravity” is for a montage of, like, a corrupted toothpaste factory, where the toothpaste is evil. There is something a little demonic with the toothpaste. It’s been breached. There are lich in the toothpaste, hiding themselves and their sorcery, and they now terrorize users of toothpaste all over the world. Only those who still use tooth powder have not yet turned. With this paragraph, I have now released more beauty into this world than the Cypriot entry. I’m not proud of putting lich and toothpaste together. I know I’ll answer for this one day. Sometimes you have to drive a point home.

This is a solidly made pop ballad with a catchy chorus that I could see getting good radio play for about two weeks before being promptly forgotten. While somewhat catchy on first listen, it quickly loses its appeal and you realize there is nothing more there than another over-produced pop song that makes oatmeal look plain and generic. This song is the definition of standard, meaningless pop. It's begging for some sort of edge to it, some sprinkles to go with its vanilla. As is, I'd much rather listen to “Hook” by Blues Travelers.

Ryan Haskell

39: Dying to Try by Brendan Murray (Ireland)

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I like Brendan’s voice. For 54 seconds, he makes a serviceable dyingtotry. I like that the first line of this Segway-speed ballad gets close to saying, “Take a leak of faith with me”. I like his tuneful delivery through the lightly layered first minute, and you could stroll to this and take sips of still water and feel correct.

Then the songwriters take out their game hunting rifles, trundle us into the basement and serve us a soup of impotent key change, never-ending chorus and string accompaniment, all of which we would spoon out of the dish in a less savage situation. You eat — you have to — belch, relax a bit, and then notice Brendan at the table, his meal long finished, as he mouths to you, “trying to die”.

As an American who grew up American, with American parents and American grandparents, I myself am American. That said, I definitely identify with the Irish a bit - they’re my ancestral roots and I root for the guys for sure. But I have to say, Brendan Murray, bud, you let me down. The song can be summed up in one word: boring. The kid looks to be about 15 and, sure, he has some pipes (little Irish pun there), but I have to believe these impressively high notes he’s hitting have more to do with his lack of pubic advancement and less with actual talent.

The music video takes us on the journey of love’s rocky road, complete with a daughter of Elrond and a poodle man that would make Dr. Moreau jealous. Perhaps I would have paid more attention to the lyrics if the featured couple were less visually jarring. I mean, the woman was fine… But the poodle man! That hair! There’s a million elf-y looking guys in Ireland to complement the girl, and they choose that guy!

My biggest complaint comes at the peak of the song’s rising action. Brian is walking through the grassy knolls of Ireland, as one does, and the viewer is treated to a beautiful melancholy landscape that just screams of Ireland. But instead of giving the listener something to complement the breathtaking view, we get a gospel choir harmony as Brian dives into his chorus. It was the perfect moment to incorporate cultural music - so poorly utilized by Israel - and Ireland missed it! If a lovely flute had accompanied Brian as the camera raced across the Irish shoreline back to our visually perplexing couple, I think I would have poured a shot of Jameson on the spot and shed a tear for all the struggling lovers in the emerald isle. Instead, the song loses its identity and all my invested interest is gone with it.

Brian, the wise fifteen-year-old he is, ever wary of love’s slings and arrows, tells us, “No one can promise that love will ever learn how to fly”, but I can promise Brian that his song won’t be flying to the top of any billboard charts. Maybe something a little more fun next year, huh Ireland? Sláinte! 4/10.

Billy Moran

38: My Turn by Martina Bárta (Czech Republic)

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The indifferently mute student can be the most frustrating. Staring at the arithmetic poster for two minutes at a time, boring with their pen more and more millimeters of their desk hole, finding the right moments to sip a hidden can of Fanta with the vigilance of a mosquito pursuing a meal from a human absentmindedly playing the Chrome dinosaur game -- apathetic students cause little obvious trouble in class. However, asked to contribute to any task, their monastic silence and translucency can drop a teacher’s command of the classroom to the floor. Other students, especially ones wavering between “kind of paying attention” and the Frowning Face With Open Mouth emoji, sense the student’s apathy, think that the lessons are, indeed, for nothing, and mentally teleport themselves out of there as well.

Which brings me to “My Turn”. It would be out of date during Pangaea, but out of date is very often fine. The prime disappointment is that it has a harmonious, sentimental melody to throw around, as most ballads do, but concretely refuses to get out of the hotel elevator, or the Saturday morning wine tasting. There are many piano works like these; it shouldn’t be an excuse to bunt and be another, especially because it’s got a pleasant tune. I’ve listened to “My Turn” at least 30 times and can recall the main progression with roughly the same clarity as remembering why Fletcher Christian mutinied and vamoosed to Pitcairn Island, the Wikipedia summary of which I probably read once, or maybe someone told me. Before going home, Teacher Eurovision will leave an inspirational message for Martina on her desk. “You can be different!” The next morning it’ll only be used with a shout of, “Kobe!” and be another clump a few feet from the trash basket.

Czech Republic’s Eurovision results, 2007 (debut) to 2017: 28th in a 28-song semifinal; 18th in a 19-song semifinal; 18th in a 18-song semifinal; Not participating for five years (understandably); 13th in a 17-song semifinal; 9th in a 18-song semifinal, 25th in a 26-song final; 13th in a 18-song semifinal.

Czech selection committee: just put a donk on it. You’ll like the results.

Not only did Ms. Martina choose to submit a song written in English to the Annual Eurovision Ritual, helping the beast of globalization devour her culture and language, but she also submitted a song with lyrics so boring that they flee from my mind immediately after I’ve heard them, as if Gilderoy Lockhart himself has just charmed them directly out of my cerebellum. Lyrics: 2/10.

Luckily, the music video itself is far more interesting than the song itself. I’m at least 80% sure this video depicts what people experience while rolling on Ecstasy. Nude bodies of various age and shape, writhing in ways that are at once harmonious and cacophonous. Here an old white man finds peace in a warm-towel embrace of a large black man. There a bald man hangs his head in his ultimate shame only to be comforted by an equally bald woman. At one point the bacchanalian dancers just all freeze and turn their heads sharply to one side, staring at the audience with eyes that contain something between abject misery and ultimate pleasure. Disturbing! Music video: 7/10. I found this video hilarious. Personal enjoyment: 9/10.

Cody Phillips

#eurovision #eurovision 2017

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