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judgement-free-sideblog · 4 years

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Blood, tears and sea breeze

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

Notes: My OC Derek Ramos is basically Anthony Ramos (Hamilton) I love him, he is cute and sexy and so freaking talented, and I frankly just wanted to write a story about him, but the In the Heights movie won't be happening any time soon, so I settled for this.

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Chapter 16: Inappropriate

Common sense and logical thinking, as Doctor Florence used to say when you were just a kid, whenever you felt ike you were losing control you needed to found the logical thing to do, and that would calm your anxiety before you have an episode, and usually it worked, most of the time anyway.

What was the logical thing to do now? None of the actions you have been taking the last weeks were logical, and common sense was urging you to stand up and run away from him, but the soft touch of his hands on the small of your back and the warm breath of his mouth were proving to be more calming than any rational thinking.

His lips felt soft on yours and maybe also scared, but he had no hesitation and you have seen the quiet need in his eyes, and you could almost cry since this was the first time in weeks since someone had kissed you, and sadly the first time in months since someone had that actual desire and need on his eyes before kissing you, he doubted for a second the moment you start returning the kiss with the hunger and longing for physical contact that had been denied to you; but he kept you close to him enough for you to feel his heart beating hard and fast on his chest, and you were desperate to know how would it feel under his shirt.

His touch became tighter on your waist and your body was moving on it's own trying to climb on his lap obeying some muscular memory on how familiar it felt, not like they were similar in any way, but he gave you the safe feeling He used to provoke on you, and you finally open your eyes... for a moment you were convinced that a pair of playful blue eyes will receive you with a cheeky grin, but instead there were those sad brown eyes darkened with desire, and logical thinking choose the worst possible moment to start working again.

You broke contact immediately, and felt a little hurt that he didn't tried to stop you when you muttered a little "I'm sorry" and run straight to his room closing thee door behind you and finally letting the tears consume you.

Jonathan's memory deserved better than this reckless and selfish behavior, and Detective Hardy deserved a free woman, free from all the horrors in your past, free from a dead fiance whom you still loved deeply, and free from all the problems you tended to cause. Also you were not entirely sure but it seems like he and Detective Miller had a thing going, and you would never get in between two people, it was a harmful and indecent thing to do specially to people who were as nice and considerate as them.

You could hear him pacing on the hallway outside the door and you wanted to get outside and tell him how much you really wanted to kiss him and maybe more, but you were broken at the moment and how bad idea it was, you wanted to tell him desperately how much you enjoyed kissing him, how his lips bring you back to life and how for a moment all the sadness disappeared, and how much you appreciate all the things he have done for you, and how you bring sadness and trouble to anyone around you so you have to walk away from him before you drag him to your darkness and ruin his life.

Because for god sake Y/N! Your mind told you once he stopped and turned off the light of the hallway, you were a fucking witness/ suspect on a murder case, his bloody career will be in the trash if someone knew that he did as much as looking at you as something more.

No, this was better, you could hide there at least until he left for work the next day and after that... well you will figure it out once the sun were up. You sitted on the bed trying to take Jonathan's disappointed and hurt face away from your thoughts, but two hours later when Daze entered the house you were still awake, ot wasn't until after 4:00 am that the fatigue defeated you and finally closed your eyes.

***

Olly Stevens was waiting outside Ashley Langford's La Boheme deli, holding a tray with two cups of coffee, and saw detective Harford approach him in civilian clothes she pointed to an empty table in the terrace and he followed her.

"Detective, you look as gorgeous as usual, may I offer you a coffee" He said again with exaggerate reverence but before the woman could roll her eyes at him a strong hand took the tray off his hand and gave Harford one of the drinks and took the other for him.

"Oh that's really considerate from you sir" a handsome man with short curly hair and sweet and compassionate eyes sitted next to Katie and offered him his hand. "I'm DC Ramos, you can call me Derek"

"Hi Detective, I'm Olly Stevens, I'm the Broadchurch Eco editor, how can I help you?" Harford smile to his inside since Stevens would act professionally now that other man was in the scene, I was completely ridiculous and insulting, but she had to admit that Ramos had potential and she secretly wanted to spend some more time with him.

"Did you found what I asked you?" She said once he put out a couple folders.

"It wasn't easy, I had to promise a janitor a two page story on how unfair their working conditions are" he said giving her what seemed to be photocopies of a C. Langford medical record.

"And they don't have unfair working conditions?" Harford asked.

"They do, but that doesn't sell newspapers" he said and have her a wink that was received by a dead glare. "Anyway here are the old newspapers you asked for" He said giving a voluminous binder that detective Ramos took. "Now what can you tell me about Jonathan Norbury's case, anything interesting?"

"Absolutely nothing, but we appreciate your collaboration, and once we have something that would sell newspapers you'll be the first to know" Detective Ramos said with a bright smile and Olly couldn't hide the disappointment on his face and after some more small talk he left them alone.

"Did you get the old records that I asked you?" She said once they were on her car.

"I did, they are not digital so is a lot of paperwork he said pointing at a voluminous box in the back "Is gonna take us forever Katie"

"Us? They are not paying us for this you know? I mean you don't have to be here" she said and his eyes went sad for a second and she feared he felt unwelcome when she was actually delighted that he wanted to help.

"Well I know that the files came from a shady reporter, I can't leave you alone now" He said hopefully and she put a serious face for a moment.

"Fine, but I can't take work home, my apartment is tiny and they are renovating the ceiling so is a lot of noise"

"Well you can come to my place, I mean if you want to" he said nervously, and she found him endearing.

"Sure, we can order take out if this gets too long" He smiled with that happiness that reach his eyes and gave her the address so they would start search on Charles Langford's past.

***

"I'm going to beat that bastard" Father Coats said loudly causing a few of the penitent in the church to look at the confession booth.

"Seal of confession father" You said and you could guess the way he was brushing his hair to the back of his head as he used to when he was nervous or angry, or in this case both.

"That only works if I didn't knew who you are" He said sarcastically, since he would have recognized your voice in any place.

"Well then pretend you don't, or better yet, talk to me as my friend" you said to him in the stubborn tone you knew drive him insane.

"If this was a talk among friends I could actually have a word with detective Hardy" He said and you rolled your eyes angry because he was right.

"Well then father, tell me if I'm burning in hell for being a loose woman" you said after a while.

"No more than him" He started and you knew he was joking, was that allowed? For him to make jokes in there? "I can only absolve you if you feel repented, but something tells me you don't, and if that is the case I think there is not such thing as a sin, is terribly inappropriate, and I'm sure if you choose to continue with this you would be jeopardizing Jonathan's murder investigation" He said after thinking throughly the situation.

"Well we wouldn't be the only ones misbehaving right?" You said and you could swear you felt the color rising to his face.

"We are not discussing my personal life here, and there is nothing happening there for your information" He said defensive, he finish with the confession and you follow him outside where Daze was helping some children arrange some flowers for the altar.

"It looks amazing Dasy" you said and she smiled, apparently she pretended to become a teacher eventually and she was searching for opportunities to be around children.

"Thanks Y/N my dad is coming to pick us, I text him we were here" she said and your plan to avoid him fall apart.

"DI Hardy" Father Coats said once he got inside the church.

"Paul" he said with a dry tone, he look sadder than usual and you felt guilty for it. "Are you ready?"

"Can I stay longer?"Dasy said and you wish she could read your mind so she won't left you alone with him, although you hope he would say no, but for your surprise he agreed.

You didn't have time to think when you were already walking towards his car, but before you get back to be reclusive in his room yo thought at least you owe him an explanation.

"Alec I..."

"Y/N I'm sorry..." you spoke at the same time and he immediately shut up when he heard his name on your lips, you haven't call him that yet, but he didn't seem mad. "Go ahead" he said and he stop walking next to the car.

"Can I drive?" You said after a moment and for all answer he gave you his keys and you climb on the driver's seat.

The drive was silent, but relaxing somehow, you had a place in mind to go, and you were sure he knew where were you going but he seemed uneasy once you start walking up towards Danny Latimer's cliff, your pants were now damp by the grass but you didn't care.

You finally reached the top and sited on the grass looking at the ocean, he looked at you concerned but eventually he sited next to you.

"What are you sorry for?" You said finally.

"Well my behavior last night was... " He started taking off guard by the question.

"Inappropriate?" You said remembering Paul words "Well is not like I didn't wanted you to kiss me" you said and you could see relief in his face, and suddenly it was clear, he wasn't mad with you for running away but with himself for making advances on you. "He proposed here you know?" You said fighting the tears and trying to search for the right words to explain yourself.

"Did he?" He said with a cautious tone.

"Yeah, he hated being outdoors, city boy you know?" You laughed remembering Jonathan tired face when you reached the top and he finally put down the picking basket on the floor, and the pain start pressuring your chest "He bring me here because he knew I love this place"

"It's quite nice" he said and offered you a handkerchief.

"Thanks" you took it and clean your eyes smearing some lipstick on the fabric. "I keep thinking about how manny weeks are until our wedding day" You said and he looked confused "I keep questioning me if things had been different... I want to believe that if things had been different I would have ask you your name in one of your appointments with Dr. Florence, and maybe... I don't know maybe I would have postponed my wedding because I was not sure anymore..." you said elaborating the childish dreams and ideas that you told yourself to justify your actions.

"I'm sure you wouldn't have postponed it" he said not understanding where you wanted to go with this.

"Or maybe I would have married him anyway and eventually I would have cheated him with you" You said bitterly "Not like what I did was much different"

"You didn't cheat on him" He said vehemently and he didn't need to elaborate because you could imagine that by now he must know more about Jonathan life than you.

"We hadn't have sex in months and I felt like he was repulsed by me in the end... I'm not justifying him, but that's the truth, I thought that it was wedding nerves, but I was to naive apparently, you must know of course if he cheated on me" you said.

"You know I can't discuss deatails of the case..."He said but that was all the confirmation you needed.

"I know that, and if he was it doesn't make right what I did, I was just not ready to have feelings for someone else so soon, and I feel like by having them I somehow love him less... I should be the one apologizing because I wanted you to kiss me and more..."

"You don't have to apologize, I shouldn't have act upon my feelings, but I'm glad you are not offended by them" he said and you gave him a small smile.

"Why would I? You are a handsome wonderful man, and if I'm honest I feel more free next to you than I have in the last five months of my life, I just wish that maybe the timing had been different"

"I would have asked you your name" he said after a while and you nodded, it was so peaceful up there. "Maybe several months after we met, maybe too late for anything to happen"

"Now what?" You asked standing up after him.

"We go back, and we pretend this didn't happen" he said, and you agreed, logical thinking "and maybe when this over..." he started with hope in his eyes.

"Alec, could you be honest with me?" He nodded as a response "Do you think I did it?"

"I don't" he said, it wasn't a emotional declaration, it was just a fact for him, he was completely sure you didn't do it.

You look straight into his eyes and evaluate the situation, he was right that was the logical, rational, and correct thing to do, but...

"I don't want to be too late" You said and you kissed him, waiting that maybe he would be rational and reject you, but he closed his arms around your back and kissed you with the same intensity of the night before or maybe more, both of you knew this was dangerous, reckless, irresponsible and completely inappropriate, but you couldn't care less.

Tag list:

@allonsymexgirl @laciesaito @tf18unipups @dazedkrosupreme @timey-wimey-lovi @coffees-and-constellations @ladyaziraphale @acid-gurkerl

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welcometophu · 5 years

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Into the Split: Avalanche 6

Twinned Book 3: Into the Split

Avalanche 6

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Nikolai wants to be surprised that the wards are weakest by the Benford house, but it just seems like exactly what he should have expected. He sits on the steps as people gather: Mikhail arriving with Josef and Amaranth in the Jeep, Sakura coming in with two people that he doesn’t recognize in her little sedan. Val and Alia walk to the house, Alia in leonine form until she shifts to become her human self after arrival.

“It’d probably be easiest if you aren’t here today,” Val says. “It is highly likely that there will be some localized disturbances as we work on the wards around these two houses today. Josef and Mikhail will be doing weather work with Amaranth, so I’m expecting bursts there. Sakura will assist both them and me, and Ethan and Marybelle will be coming in a bit to lend their strength. Unless someone is participating,” she glances at the house, “I’d recommend leaving. It might be messy.”

“Alaric’s already gone,” Nikolai says. He’d seen the hound lope into the woods just as he and Seth arrived, Mac trailing after. “Seth’s inside, but we can head out soon. I just wanted to see my brothers.”

They’d spent most of the evening together, after everything had calmed down. Nikolai already knew about the planned work, and their worries about a failure that might let the Shadows inside the first grove. Seth had wondered aloud about the other groves—and other wards—and Josef had outlined their plans to redo the wards from the inside out, in wider arcs around this pair of houses.

The theory was over Nikolai’s head, but it seemed valid given what little he knew. It also sounded like it was going to be a lot of work that he wasn’t able to help with.

“Does your Mage plan on staying?” Val looks past Nikolai, her voice raised slightly as a small smirk tilts her lips. “He seems like he’d be interested in seeing how the wards are constructed.”

The door opens, Pawel emerging with Seth close behind. “He is,” he says easily. “But I also don’t want to be blamed if something goes wrong. I don’t know if my magic will blend well with yours, and I’m not familiar with your rituals. We’ve caused enough trouble here already, and you need to be secure in your ability to protect your people. So it’s better if I get out of your hair.”

Val nods, the smile widening. “Good thoughts. Is there anyone left inside?”

Pawel shakes his head. “Nik, Heather, and Carolyn headed out earlier. Carolyn said something about trying to figure out how places here might fit in with cards that she has, or how to work without Kit’s art. I think she’s exploring how her Talent can interact in this world, and the others are going along to keep her company and out of trouble. Mattie’s not around, and Mac and Alaric are training elsewhere. I actually… I was thinking I could take Seth and Nikolai out for a driving lesson in the Jeep, if Mikhail and Josef don’t mind.”

“Treat her well,” Mikhail says.

Pawel puts a hand over his heart. “As if she were my own.”

Pawel joins Mikhail by the Jeep, accepting the keys. Nikolai stays on the top step, watching the others disperse, while Seth stays next to him. Seth puts his hands on Nikolai’s waist, nudging him until he moves one step down and brings them to a more even height.

Seth rests his hands atop Nikolai’s shoulders, leaning in forehead to forehead. “Hey,” he murmurs, and the world narrows down to just the two of them.

Nikolai smiles, tilting his head to let Seth feel that smile against his own lips. “Hey,” he murmurs back. “You ready for another driving lesson?”

“Yes,” Seth answers, following quickly with, “and no. Pawel says he knows the area, but I’m wary of the wards.”

Nikolai thinks about the idea of scanners, and how they have no idea how the humans track and hunt them. “Same,” he murmurs quietly, kissing Seth instead of saying more. After all, it’s not like they have a choice. They have to leave the house; driving lessons are a good option. That doesn’t mean they have to rush, however. Nikolai wraps up in Seth, takes comfort in his closeness, and lingers over the taste of his lips.

He pulls back when Pawel coughs loudly.

Pawel stands there, dangling Mikhail’s keys. Beyond him, Mikhail looks like he’s trying to bite back a grin. “Who’s going first?” Pawel asks, and when Seth raises a hand, Pawel tosses him the keys.

When Nikolai opens the back door of the Jeep, Pawel stops him and points to the front. “Go ahead,” Pawel directs. “I can instruct just as well from the back seat as from the front, and I don’t think the old laws about having a licensed driver in the passenger seat exactly apply here right now.”

Seth buckles himself in and adjusts the seat and mirrors while Nikolai climbs in. By the time Nikolai’s strapped in and ready, the Jeep is rumbling and Seth has it in reverse, one foot on the clutch as he waits.

Seth’s tongue pokes out as he focuses on pressing down the gas carefully and easing up on the clutch. The Jeep lurches backwards but doesn’t stall, and he manages to stop it before he circles backwards into Sakura’s sedan. He switches to first gear and slowly pulls out.

“Not bad,” Nikolai says.

Seth darts a quick glare at him. “Laugh at me and I will laugh harder at you when it’s your turn again.”

Pawel leans his elbows on the seat between them, stretching the seat belt that straps him into the middle of the back. “Mikhail had an entire set of directions for a planned route, but I only caught about half of it. I’ve been to Haverhill a couple of times back home, and spent some time becoming familiar with the area in case we need to go back. I’m absolutely certain that they will be our allies, especially if we end up at war against the Shadows. The only problem with that is convincing Alaric’s Clan that we shouldn’t be going to war against the Mages instead. They’ve resisted so far, but I think we still have some work to do there.”

He points at the dirt road ahead of them. “Keep going this way until we get to the main house, then turn onto the main approach. There are some side roads we can take and turn around to get back, or we can just take the approach down to the road, and drive into town.”

“I’m good with going into town.” Seth inches along carefully, the Jeep rocking when he shifts from first into second gear, then again into third. It bumps over the uneven ground, moving faster than Nikolai feels comfortable, and Seth stomps on the brake when they spot the house approaching far too quickly. He stalls out before making the corner, but gets started quickly again.

Nikolai spots Ethan as they drive past the first grove. Ethan is standing under a localized rain storm, water pouring over his head as he gestures at someone Nikolai can’t see, further out in the trees.

Nikolai isn’t sure the warding is going well. Or maybe that’s a good sign, he can’t tell. Val did mention localized weather issues.

Seth drives slowly around town, exploring further out than they’ve been before. Nikolai spots the second grove on the way to town, and the third grove. He sees what might be the fourth grove, or possibly the final if they’ve gone far enough out. It’s possible he missed one. The houses are farther apart here, more land and some farms in between as they reach the edges of the old town. It’s strange to think that the boundaries of Havenhill just stop, and they can keep going. There are no walls, no specific lights to keep the Shadows out.

Only magic.

Seth pulls over on the side of the road, stopping with only a small jerk and shudder, and manages to shut the car off before it stalls. He pulls the keys out and hands them across. “Ready?”

Nikolai closes his hand around the keys, tugs a little to pull Seth closer. He wants to kiss him, but he’s all too aware of Pawel leaning over the seats, watching them. Instead he just leans there for a moment, and when Seth tilts his head, Nikolai gives in to impulse and takes the kiss Seth offers until Pawel clears his throat.

“Maybe I shouldn’t teach you two to drive, because at the rate you’re going, you’re going to discover the joys of parking,” Pawel says dryly.

Nikolai frowns. “What?”

“Parking the car in a remote place so you can—” Pawel cuts off, closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Never mind.”

“We have a house,” Seth says. “We’ve had no lack of privacy for the last few years. But I do remember Mikhail taking his girlfriend out for a drive after Nikolai and I caught them making out in the family room when Mikhail was in high school.” Seth shrugs, and Nikolai blinks because at that time, he hadn’t thought anything of it. Looking back on it now, this makes sense.

Nikolai takes the keys and slides out of his seat. Once he’s settled in the driver’s seat after swapping with Seth, his nerves come back. He touches the wheel, and remembers going down that small highway towards Albany, while Mikhail reassured him that everything would be fine. Except it wouldn’t be. It couldn’t be. If they were approaching a city, then they approached humanity, and humanity was a danger to them.

This time a long road with only a few houses visibly dotting the landscape stretches out ahead of him.

Maybe this way is safe.

“If you turn down that next road, we should head back towards Havenhill,” Pawel says, leaning in to point at the front window, and off to the left.

“You think we left?” Seth asks, and Pawel shakes his head.

“I think we’re still inside the outer grove, but not by much. If you look, those are actively farmed fields. On the one side, everything’s ready for planting, once the warm weather comes, and these likely aren’t overseen by Amaranth and her magic. On the other side, there’s equipment, like they’re still getting ready.” Pawel points to the fields, where it looks as if tall grass or hay has been cut down in the past. “I’d guess these are the wheat fields, or possibly oats. Some kind of grains, to make the breads that we’ve eaten. They’d need a lot of space for those, and they wouldn’t need to rely on magic to produce them. Seasonal would be fine, which makes sense to do it on the outskirts, where land is plentiful.”

Nikolai turns down the road, which is narrow and made of stone instead of pavement. The Jeep rumbles along the rough surface, but he’s pleased to make the turn without stalling. It still seems weird to try to shift, clutch, and turn all at once, but it’s getting easier. He’ll get the hang of it eventually.

The sun goes behind a cloud, and shadows stretch across the field, mixed with narrow streaks of light where the sun tries to shine through. Pawel sits back, gaze drifting to watch the fields instead of the road ahead.

Seth’s hand covers Nikolai’s on the gear shift. “Keep going straight,” he says, and Nikolai nods.

The field ends as the forest encroaches. Nikolai looks for the lemon trees, but doesn’t spot them. He wonders if he’s driving parallel to a grove or if he could cut across one, and if the groves are actual circles or ovals radiating out from the center. If they are irregular, it would be easy to pass in and out of the border, and he doesn’t like that idea.

Pawel moves quickly in the back seat, turning to look from one side to the other.

“What?” Seth asks.

“I thought I saw something moving,” Pawel says.

“In the shadows?”

Pawel hesitates, and Nikolai’s fingers tighten on the steering wheel.

“Between the trees,” Pawel responds, and he doesn’t mention shadows again.

Nikolai slows down, and Pawel leans forward again. There’s a sharp sting in Nikolai’s shoulder when Pawel’s fingers brush against him, and Pawel quickly leans away. “Sorry,” Pawel says. “My magic’s just under my skin.”

“You remember what we said about using Talent and calling Shadows, right?” Seth’s words sting more sharply than Pawel’s magic. “You need to calm down.”

“Want me to stop?” Nikolai asks.

“Turn left when you see a road,” Pawel says, his voice tight. “That’ll circle us back toward the center of the groves again.”

Nikolai spots a driveway heading off to the right, up a hill with a house sitting at the top. It’s dark despite the cloudy day, and it doesn’t feel at all inviting. There are no marks here, no sign that people have passed through or that people might live here.

There are only houses, distant from each other, with trees crowded in around. Nikolai passes three driveways before Seth touches his hand, points. “There, that break is a road, I think.”

“Shit,” Pawel whispers, and the world flickers dark around them, just for a moment. Then sun breaks through and Pawel grabs Nikolai’s shoulder, squeezes hard as sparks prickle through him. “We’re outside the wards. Turn around and go back. We can’t be sure that road will take us there.”

“Nik.” Anxiety thick in the air around them. Seth’s fear, rising until it could choke Nikolai, as if he didn’t already have any of his own. Because there are Shadows here. So many Shadows, bearing down on them, racing as if they fly low along the ground, running toward the Jeep.

One swarms up to the windshield, presses it’s face against the glass and shrieks, “Go back!”

“Oh my God.” Pawel scrambles backwards, half standing in the back seat. “Turn around, Nikolai. Turn around now.”

Turn around.

Turn the car on this narrow road, with Seth’s fear choking him and Pawel clutching at his chest in the back seat. Nikolai swings the wheel, twists the car to the left and feels one tire drop lower than the other, into a small ditch on the side of the road. He shoves his foot down as if he could put it through the floor of the Jeep, slams the gear shift into reverse. He tries to put both the gas and the clutch down at the same time, pulling his foot off the clutch as the Jeep leaps backwards and he twists the wheel again, popping out of the ditch and rolling backwards into another.

The Jeep stalls when he slams on the brakes, just shy of a tree.

His heart hammers in his chest, and the same Shadow is now behind them, face pressed against the rear window. “Go!” it shrieks, the word echoing inside his heart as much as his ears.

Nikolai puts the Jeep in first gear, twists the key, and revs it hard as it leaps forward, bumping quickly down the road. The engine sounds like it’s going to die before he manages to get it into second gear, then third.

He’s in fourth gear before Pawel slumps on the seat and turns around, staring behind them.

The Shadows are following.

“We’re inside the grove,” Pawel mumbles. “We’re inside the wards. I felt them snap back around us and the Shadows are still following us.”

Following them. Fuck, one is clinging to the back of the car, shifting in and out of view as Nikolai swerves. “One is holding on,” Nikolai yells.

“Yes,” Pawel says. “Yes, she is. God, Rory was right. They’re people. Just like Mattie said. They’re real people, who were real people before they Emerged. They have faces. Names. They were people once, and it’s her. It’s Chelsea.”

“Pawel,” the Shadow whispers, a soft hiss in the air around them. “Run.”

Seth’s anxiety eases, calm slowly suffusing the atmosphere. Seth sets his hand on top of Nikolai’s, covering him and holding on. Nikolai feels a low exhale pushed through his body, rushing out of his lungs. Tears leak from the corners of his eyes as his body shakes.

“Run, fast,” the Shadow whispers. “Run from the Shadows.” She clings resolutely to the Jeep, and Nikolai thinks that he could get rid of her if he could stop driving long enough to bring the light of dreams out. If he and Seth could attack.

But if he stops, the Shadows are going to catch them.

“What do I do?” he asks, taking a corner far too quickly, the Jeep’s tires squealing as he does so.

“I think she’s trying to help us,” Pawel says quietly. “Chelsea says run, so we run, and we hope that when we get back inside the first grove the rest of them can’t follow.”

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#welcome to phu #welcometophu #into the split #phu twinned #twinned #its avalanche

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notjustbacon · 7 years

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What 3 months Abroad Feels Like

What's up buttercup?

A quarter of a year has passed since we've embarked on this journey. We've missed all of Spring at home in rainy Portland, Oregon. No matter how many different ways I say it, it still feels unreal and as if the whole concept of being away for three months has not really sunk in. We've climbed mountains, scaled cliffs, spelunked through caves, crossed rivers à pied and have enjoyed moments relaxing on sandy beaches. I've eaten more than my fair share of "weird" foods, and now some of it doesn't seem so weird anymore. Some of it though, I could go without ever being served again. Already, we have traveled through 3 countries, with just 4 left on our itinerary.

These are just some of the thoughts that come to mind when I get asked, "What have you been up to?" My friends, you know that we are living through an adventure of a lifetime, but still many people are left asking questions. All of the queries circle around one main idea: What's it like to be two crazy kids who quit their jobs to travel for half a year? In short, it's been exceptional. I have shared that traveling is not all rainbows and unicorns, but there has been a lot of sunshine on our journey. In fact, there's been way more sunshine than we've expected considering that we are journeying through SEA during the wet season. Here are some of the most common questions I've been asked, my answers, and a funny story about unexpected traveling.

Did we pack appropriately?

Yes...? And also too much. Surprisingly, none of our equipment or clothing items have failed us... Well except for the (now) three pairs of elephant pants I've bought in Vietnam to use on our hikes. Why can't someone (I'm looking at you Prana) just make a very durable, yet breathable and comfortable pair of elephant pants? Oh - and as I started writing this my bra decided to spring loose in more than one way - making it completely unfunctional. The creator in me has just been buzzing with equipment ideas (working overtime). Maybe I'll have a few to submit, or maybe I'll just let them go and enjoy my days here.

The biggest takeaway we're learning is that we could have packed a whole lot less. A friend of mine is heading to India for a month and asked me for my traveling wisdom. Ha! It only took me three months of traveling to become wise - SCORE! About half of my reply email consisted of packing advice. While the length of our trips are different and the climate she's covering is only one (really hot), these same rules should apply to any trip. You just have to pick and choose your items carefully, and if you're a dude you'll likely be able to forgo several items below. Basically, if I could do it over again I would pack:

The must haves: 3 shirts, two pants/shorts, 2 bras (as seen above, you NEED a back up), 4-5 underwears, 2-3 pair of socks, toothbrush, toothpaste, a shampoo bar, a stash of resealable ziplock sandwich bags, tweezers, ibuprofen/Advil, sleeping pills, deodorant, sunscreen, bug spray, earplugs, cold medicine, laundry detergent bar, Band-Aids, a waterproof and breathable rain jacket, good hiking shoes, a pair of flip flops, a good water bottle, a medium size backpack (much smaller than my 60L), a few dry sacks (these water resistant/proof stuff sacks save space and wear on your belongings), silk bug proof sleeping liner (trust me on this - spendy, but such a life saver) extra hairbands, and sunglasses.

The nice to haves: phone, phone charger, camera (and charger), conditioner (if you use it regularly), a buff (or some sort of sleep mask), a drawstring/hiking bag/carry on bag, and a book (one you could read and toss).

Travelers Tip 73: The primary goal here is to get your pack under 7 kilograms, by doing so you can take your pack as a carry-on and travel as freely as possible.

What are we learning about?

Simply put, we are learning about ourselves and this great big world (both as individuals and as a couple). What aren't we learning about would be an easier way to answer this: nothing. Strengths, weaknesses, pet peeves, worldly things, other ways of life and culture pretty much cover the top things we are learning about. I've already got a much better grip on what I feel passionate about and how I want to spend 40 plus hours a week to earn a living. I would have hoped that my four-year degree had this subject covered, but nope. University just taught me a little more about growing up and gave me a key to entry level jobs. Having the experiences of working for different people across the world has given me a much better perspective of what I hold most valuable. It's also given me key business lessons in how to be assertive and how to negotiate. What else has traveling taught me? To face my fears head on, just get through the yuck and you'll be better for it. For example, in these two pictures, I'm pushing myself beyond the brink of exhaustion to see all of these intriguing new places, despite my fear of heights and falling... This newfound work ethic has helped me harness the skill of being comfortable with being completely uncomfortable.

Before this trip, I had read several articles claiming that traveling isn't going to solve your life's mysteries. In particular, this one plaguing article by another Alex talks about why: You can't simply run away from your (sad) life or job at home and expect that it will be different when you get back... Your problems will always follow you. Alex claims, "Travel won’t help you fix deep personality flaws, or learn how to find work you love, although it may help put some pieces together. It isn’t a magic bullet that will solve all your problems. 20 somethings, in particular, are experts at running away." Well, quite a few thoughts percolate in rebuttal to this Alex. Not to mention that we have yet another overrun claim that millennials are useless and stupid? GAWD. Let me just get right to the point and respond to the above claims:

Yes, you can run away - from anything. If you have a will, you can find a way. Sometimes a person needs a new home, a fresh start, and new connections to get the ball rolling. Traveling has made many an expat. I'm not advocating that you disappear from all those who love you, but I do want to point out that there is a range to disembarking from what was your life + home in favor of taking a different direction. You could become an expat or you could return to exactly where you took off from, but either way, you'll be different.

Expectations in life are a very funny thing... You can have them, but life and people will do as they please. It's likely that home will stay the same if folks are just planning on doing the "same-ol-same-ol". The people in your life will go on doing what they did unless of course, they have any number of life changing events. It's best not to put people in boxes while you're away and expect them to come back out as they were before. Because you will likely be wrong... because people are living beings who grow and change... because people are alive, and that's what living things do.

Whether or not people or things or jobs will be different when you get back to the U.S. is pretty much a moot point. You will be different. Traveling causes you to face your fears on at least a basic level. It challenges you to get out of your comfort zone and grow exponentially without a moment's notice (see my story below). You probably won't even feel like you're the same person when you get back, but it will great to see familiar faces when you do. And that's if you decide to go back. Again, you could be country shopping without knowing it. Traveling may make you eager to return home, or it may make you realize that there's a better place for you than where you used to call home. Wherever you roam, you'll be picking up new skills, vocab, and friends. Traveling just helps define who you are at the core and helps you blossom into that more beautiful being.

What's the hardest part about traveling? What's the best part?

I try to cover both of these questions as often as possible in my articles. But if I were to nail down the top 5 most challenging items, they would be the heat/weather changes, intruding bugs/vermin, always wearing dirty clothes/feeling grimy, us generally not "getting it"/language barriers/lack of knowledge, and craving foods from home. I talked about some of this in The not so brave side of traveling - I will say the hard things challenge me to grow the most though, so I wouldn't give them up.

As for the good stuff... My top 5 include home cooked meals (family style), meeting new people (my new family), exploring unknown places, personal growth, and sharing the whole experience with my husband. It's hard to nail down one thing that has been the best part. Again, I do try to cover these things in my articles - because, why not share the love?

Tell me a funny story from your travels...

So one day, we decide it's time (actually long overdue) to get out of Vang Vieng and head up north to Luang Prabang. Alex walked around town and found a stand that advertised a questionably low price, it was actually the lowest price seen to get a minivan to Luang Prabang. He started up a conversation and was immediately discouraged when the clerk quoted him a much higher price. Alex vehemently pointed to the sign that quoted the lower price and the clerk came over to the sign to show him the washed out slash over the price that had the new price written illegibly next to it. Alex squinted, saw, and said, "fine, I'll just go to any of these other stands and get a cheaper price." Eventually, they both begrudgingly agreed on the general price listed at the other stands, made the exchange of cash for the voucher, and settled to see each other the next morning for our pick up.

The next morning we were out in front of our guesthouse awaiting our minivan when a tuk-tuk pulls up and the driver inside yells at us to saddle up. We looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders in an assumption that this was our ride to the minivan station... Which, luckily was a safe assumption. A dizzying fifteen-minute ride later, we arrive at the station and found a huge crowd of commotion in front of two vans, one is tossing luggage on top of the vehicle. Alex and I had predetermined that we would avoid this predicament at all costs. We are traveling for over half a year and our backpacks are our whole lives, house, and belongings... We don't want them schlepped off to the side of the road somewhere along the journey north. Fortunately, my teacher's eyes noticed a gentleman patiently waving from behind the commotion for passengers to come around to his third van in the back. I'm so glad I spotted him, his van was much nicer than either of the two up front and had only 3 passengers so far - meaning Alex and I got pretty great dibs on seating (second row in with two adjoined seats by an aisle to the back seat). The driver took our luggage, loaded it in the back, and left us to settle in. Phew!

Within minutes the ten passenger van was filled and ready to set off on the 4-hour drive to Luang Prabang. Our seats were pretty ideal, we had snacks and a/c, and life was glorious. Until all at once the middle passenger just ahead of us lunged back her seat smashing into Alex's long American-Man-Legs. He grimaced and looked at me with concern, one of the backseat passengers wasted no time speaking up and said, "You better say something now, it's going to be a loooooong ride." He nodded, smiled back at her, and summoned the courage to speak up. With a little effort, he was back to having a little knee relief and our van took off.

The sights out of Vang Vieng were gorgeous. There were thick dark clouds folding over the jungle mountains and luscious green throughout our entire ride. At one point, I must have fallen asleep, because I was jolted awake by the van slamming on its brakes. I shook off my tired and looked around, expecting others to be concerned. The other passengers just looked bored but focused on the scene ahead of us. It looked like a long line of traffic was piling up behind us and no one in front of us was moving. We saw cars attempt to pass and then pull into the crevices between other cars ahead of us. People started chattering when they saw other drivers ahead get out and put rocks behind their wheels. We all fell silent when our driver rolled down his window to chat with a vehicle passing from the other way. I don't know what we thought we could understand, none of us spoke Lao... But we did know something was wrong.

Some time passed before our driver put the car in park, got out, opened our sliding door and waved for us to unload. With his limited English, using some words and mostly sign language he managed to inform us that we would need to walk up the hill and he would meet us at the top (by way of pointing up the hill and saying, "You walk."). We didn't know why, we didn't really know much more of the plan, but we knew nothing was going to happen unless we started walking. Many of us questioned whether this was even safe at all, but we endeavored forward. It wasn't too long into the walk when we realized that the previous night's torrential monsoon had wreaked havoc on the hill our van was attempting to ascend. The road was washed out and was nearing landslide conditions. So traffic on both sides stopped to let the 4-wheel drive vehicles experiment at their pursuit to the top, while a tractor from a nearby construction site was towing up other vehicles one by one. We laughed nervously, thanked ourselves for not wearing white and watched at the top. We didn't know for how long, but within an hour our van was hauled to the top, we all piled back in, and were off to our destination as if nothing had happened.

There's really nothing else to the story other than we made it to Luang Prabang with another memory that we would never forget. This wasn't our first unexpected travel story and it certainly won't be our last, but I am thankful to have it be part of our journey. A perfect story is uneventful, whereas a journey like ours is peppered with memorable, laughable and teachable moments. I can't even imagine the debauchery that would have ensued had this event happened back home. Instead of pulling together and moving forward, we would have likely all broken down and called troops of newscasters, lawyers, and backup vehicles. Which would have just jammed the whole situation further.

Traveling for three months feels miraculous.

It can be life changing if you embrace it. So far I have gained a much broader circle of friends, various experiences that I never thought I'd have (in my wildest dreams), and my world has grown exponentially. I see things differently now. Now when I cross the street, I don't just look for cars, but I don't cross in fear either. Now when I hear someone honking, I think, "Hey buddy, thanks for seeing me." Now when someone offers me an egg, I think twice before saying yes. Those are all things I learned in Vietnam. I've learned how I can help the earth from my time in New Zealand. I've learned how to relax from my time in Laos... and also that a "hiking path" doesn't necessarily mean there's a trail. I don't know what else I'll be learning. I just remember what Lao Tzu said, "A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving."

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twisted-petal · 7 years

Text

Death Continued: Part 2

I need to be up in 4 hours, and the only reason why I am even up writing this so late is because my roomie is still gaming and I can’t eVER GET SLEEP. Which is about as much as I will speak of him because what if he finds this or something and I don’t want to deal with shit, I would rather just bottle all this shit up and deal…

There is just so much to say about this lady and everything that happened, but I’ve already dragged on more than anticipated, and I am so freaken sleepy… Gods he chews his fucking food so loud I can hear it through my headphones don’t even get me started on him slurping all his remotely moist food… I also just need to forget it all.

Now… Moving in was a bit strange, and looking back now I should have taken what I first experienced as a million signs: She didn’t have the room cleaned up as she had told me, she didn’t have a key prepared as promised and so took the key from a friend who visited nearly daily, I was told by my partner that she would drink at night and he would catch her dancing in her room, she often didn’t notice him (or me) come in later in the day, and she wouldn’t respond to messages often and would forget plans/times.

Day and night she would blast country music through two radios, and after I got internet hooked up it was 2 radios and YouTube playing Country and Adele…

She would smoke weed all day, then anywhere between 2pm and 6pm she would break out the gallon of whiskey. Didn’t matter who was over (which included children she would watch), she would start dozing off in her seat or shuffle to her room, then wake up between midnight and 3am to make a mess in the kitchen making food. I needed to stay up to be sure she wouldn’t burn the place down… I’ve woken up to smoke from her forgetting food or not paying attention.

I started taking up watching the girl she was “hired” to watch as things got worse. Her father paid me a couple of times because of this. An 8 y/o girl should not have to go to someone to say they found shit in their babysitter’s underwear that was left on the bathroom floor. I despise children, but I will care for them when need be…

Her financial problems were discovered to be caused be her excessive smoking and alcohol addiction. Random people would show up at the house for mini parties, walk in unannounced, throughout the summer she was just leave for a week or more without word to stay with her 20-30 y/o boyfriend and left me to care for her two dogs, cat, and millions of plants, and I had to stop searching for a job because she would have a freak out and her drinking would get worse. I am too nice for my own good.

The agreement was that we weren’t going anywhere until spring. I was not informed until some time after settling in that she was selling the house. This was not the first time I was left in the dark… She was separated from her husband (still married) who lived elsewhere with his bitch of a girlfriend. He owned the house.

As time went on, the move date kept fluctuating and growing ever closer. The father of the girl I would watch over eventually moved in after running into housing trouble, but barely stayed a month as he over heard our “landlady” talking with her husband and head him say that the two of us leaving by the end of the month was too soon.

He found a place close by and was able to move.

Now let’s throw some vague numbers around: Landlady was getting $450 from the both of us (and soon she would be getting rent from another dude that I will bitch about later), $20 whenever she “watched” his daughter (even when he lived with us), her husband paid a couple bills that I forget, as well as gave her a check each month of $500.

That’s roughly $1,500 a month, as well as food stamps (and saving $50 on the internet I paid for, which she needed for her phone). She admitted to only spending a hundred or two on bills, and $30 for her phone. What of the rest of the money? Mysteryy~

[(I done did fuck. Had these in Queue and I was going to rearrange them later, but I forgot and so it’s just going to show up once a day in order how I wrote it. It was a busy-ass day… Yesterday. It’s 1am again. Wanted to proof-read more, though. I suppose this will show up the 3rd day, soooo… Whatever)]

Shortly after the father left, the old shit-stain moved in… Gods I want to just rant about this disgusting, lazy asshole. Obnoxious, overbearing, couldn’t listen,wouldn’t, wouldn’t stop touching me or insulting because he was SOOOOO funny. Fuckin’ hated that unappreciative ass-wipe. Seriously. I gave up my king bed so he didn’t have to sleep on an air mattress at the new place, and he return the favor by complaining it was too big, leaning the king mattress against the wall for a shelf, stacked the two twins that served as the box frame, then set the air mattress on top. I slept in my closet on a pile of blankets and pillows; Granted, I did make it pretty damn comfortable and warm. Still hated him.

Continuing at the first house: I was back with Corey again. Our fights were increasing, and so was his kindness and heart. As well as his demands… He was more accepting and encouraging of who I was, a bit more respectful, but he was also more scarce in his visits. We also had the greatest day ever hiking Table Rock: Taking hours to buy him some damn shorts, running up the trail, his astonishment in the world around him (he hadn’t done anything outdoorsy since he was young, aside from taking his son to the beach or some shit), watching him face his fear of heights and stress at my boldness to stand closer to the edge, rushing from whatever set of eyes he apparently saw and we made our dark decent down (I tried to warn him…), finding a break in the trees just as the largest orange moon we had ever seen emerged from behind a mountain - standing together in complete awe… *ahem* I shouldn’t be reminiscing on such fond times… I shouldn’t be trying to defend the good in him… Maybe I just feel it makes me more an imbecile to not express all that was positive? There is no excuse…

His existence gave me a distraction from the world I was trapped in… We were completely different in so many ways, fought constantly, connected so well, shared special interests, and of course, my bleeding heart held him close.

He was cruel, impatient, full of Italian anger and old-fashioned judgments, and, again, sexually demanding. He often made it seem unintentional, played innocent, and claimed restraint, but I knew what he was trying to do. A part of me wanted to be, well, wanted. At 18 I was taught that the only way I could earn love, the only way someone could love me, is if I pleased my partner. This increases with each partner, as I feel more and more obligated to please them and that is the only reason I exist to them.

I believe my only purpose in life is to serve others in one way or another, and if I have nothing left to give or if I need any little thing at all, I am a complete waste of existence. What makes this worse is that I enjoy seeing people happy; I enjoy knowing that I have help bring a smile to someone, from a lover to a stranger.

He took full advantage of this… More so than any other…

Every Holiday throughout 2016 was ruined because of him, including my birthday, and from July to March the landlady intensified. Save for Halloween… She was a part of this, but he ruined it two days before… In my next post I with paste the vent post I made on my alt FB account that goes into further detail and is also fairly vague. I just went into some detail about Corey here to get it out of the way, and I cut contact with him after I moved.

Recap after side rant: I had nowhere else to go, needed to stay home to help landlady deal with her shit and help keep her from further spiraling while trying to encourage progress in her .ordeals, she kept changing our move month and wouldn’t work with me in actually finding a new place to live or even look on her own, she kept changing which town she wanted to move to which left me without any idea of where I was going to live or where to apply for work, and she wouldn’t even pack her stupid house.

In order to spend my birthday with someone I had to offer to pay for their meal; thankfully, the father from earlier worked where we went to eat and he paid for the drink I ordered. He’s a fairly nice dude, just a complete dweeb. And ho-bag. Bro could learn a thing or two. Find some structure. He’s a bit of a mooch, but he’s not an ass; He’s a fairly caring goat.

The friend I went to lunch with ended up buying us tickets to see the Grumps live in Portland, and we were able to stay a night with my favorite asshole… Gods… He will never leave my heart… Despite everything, he is the one I will never let go of. I hate him so much… My love for him will never die, no matter how far we grow apart, or how many I love after him; We never had the chance to be together (which makes me sound eVEN MORE PATHETIC I KNOW), and it crushes me to know he doesn’t feel as fondly for me. My Puppu… Words…

A few days before we headed up to Portland my friend got into an accident and after mulling some options over, she decided to rent a car for a couple days. I offered to help her out, and she agreed that I help with gas and maybe a part of the payment.

I wasn’t feeling too well from all the anxiety at home and Corey yelling at me again (especially knowing I “used to” share feelings with Puppu. We were barely back together, technically not. Didn’t even tell me he was going to be out of town for my birthday… So much drama…), I wasn’t exactly eating, and the morning after the show I was in excruciating pain, shaking uncontrollably, fairly delirious, and vomitting/dry-heaving.

This was really a bummer after enjoying the Grumps live and… Making out with Puppu in his bed while after my friend fell asleep on the couch. c.c; Just a few smooches…

I miss him so much…

The “friend” who took me to the show made me feel like absolute garbage for making her stay an extra day and call in to work, and spend money on my meds (As Puppy insisted on taking me to the Emergency Clinic). She later wanted me to pay for her rental - or at least a decent portion of it.

([And continued on tomorrow! Maybe I’ll change it to a more frequent update…)]

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