#dovedewdrop

[dovedewdrop]

The One That Got Away

In another life

I would be your girl / 1.7k

A/N: Hi! Welcome to my first fic! I've been super anxious to put this out but also itching to write something so here we are🤗 I hope you enjoy🩷

Also thank you to one of my besties @gracieispunk for being so supportive always🥹 she truly has a heart of gold and deserves the world💛 Happy 5 months of friendship🫶🏻👹

Warnings: Post-Outbreak. Mean!Joel. Just pure angst tbh. sad vibes.

---

The last time he had kissed you was the morning of the outbreak, long and passionate, his arm slung around your lower back, your hand on his chest. He’d done it to shut you up really, both you and Sarah on his case about how he was working late, on his birthday of all days, but you both knew why he had to, it was the same reason you picked up extra shifts at work too, you had a wedding to plan and weddings weren’t cheap no matter how low-key they were.

Now you sat at your kitchen table in Jackson in the house you shared with Tommy and Maria, your fingertips ghosting across your bottom lip as you reminisced on that morning. Soon those sweet memories that seemed to be coated in an orange hue were contrasted with shades of blue, Joel had changed, he became a man you didn’t recognise, a man who was cold towards you.

You knew deep down that he didn’t blame you for what had happened, but he had to be mad at someone. At first he just withdrew into himself, but it didn’t take long for him to become outwardly mean, you felt pathetic as you followed behind him up dirt paths and across fields and embarrassed when one day he’d stopped in his tracks, drew in a long breath, and muttered, “wish you’d just leave already,” stalking off up the hill and leaving Tommy to comfort you.

So that’s what you did, you and Tommy, you left with no idea where you’d end up and it killed you to turn around at the edge of the woods and see Joel sitting there on his own, snapping sticks in his hand as if it was your heart he was holding.

You wiped your tears away with the back of your hand and downed the rest of your coffee before placing the mug in the sink, grabbing a checked fleece from the hook on your way out the door. The air outside was biting, bringing a rosiness to your cheeks which you didn’t really mind, you’d be out of the cold and in the Bison soon enough. You took note of the patrol coming back in through the gates and smiled at some of the other families as you weaved your way through the crowds of people who had stopped in the streets.

“Tommy!” You stopped dead in your tracks. Tommy was a popular man around here; someone was always looking for him but there was no mistaking whose voice that was. When you turned ever so slightly they were embracing in a hug, it made your heart burst to see them together like that, how they used to be, how Joel used to be. He seemed a lot brighter, full if a bit more life. You scanned the horses and noticed a young girl amongst the patrollers, someone you hadn’t seen before, you wondered if she was his, if he’d met someone new after you, fallen in love again and decided to have another kid, you wondered if he was healed, if she’d healed him. 

When you turned your attention back to them he was already looking at you and for the first time in your life you couldn’t read him, his emotions had always been so strong, when he loved it was with his whole heart and as you came to find out, when he hated, that was with his whole heart too.

You tore your gaze away from his and headed towards the pub, clutching at your chest, you were grateful that you didn’t have to open for another hour as you slumped against the wooden cupboard behind the bar, trying your best to regulate your breathing, eyes closed and head pounding. As you’d finally calmed down and peeled your eyes open you noticed a head full of curls peaking over the bar, Tommy.

“You know he was coming?” You asked, with a slight shake evident in your voice.

“Nah, guys picked him and the girl up whilst out on patrol.” He began rounding the bar to sit on the floor with you.

“Is that his daughter?”

“Don’t think so, haven’t had chance to speak to him properly yet, ‘ad to come check on you.” He nudged your shoulder with his and gave you a sincere smile, one which you returned, he’d always looked out for you and now that Joel was back that wasn’t going to change. “Take the rest of the afternoon off, I’ve got it covered here.” 

“Thanks Tommy,” you pull him into a hug before standing up and heading home. 

You take a hot shower and try to drown out the recurring memories of how Joel fell out of love with you, of how when he looked at you his eyes no longer held warmth, how when you’d touch him he’d flinch and looked away. When you sat at your dresser your eyes fixed on your engagement ring that sat in a wooden box that the carpenter in Jackson had been kind enough to make, it wasn’t incredibly fancy, you weren’t into big sparkly rocks, but the green amethyst stone was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, and it made your heart burst to know that he picked it. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been sat at the dresser but when you snap out of your trance you realise you don’t quite know what to do with the rest of your afternoon, perhaps you should’ve carried on with your shift, but you know there’s no arguing with Tommy. Eventually you decide on grabbing a book from the bookshelf and sitting outside on the porch with a cup of coffee. That’s when you see him again, or rather hear him. The door to the Bison swings and he storms out, jacket in hand, boots trudging through the sludgy remnants of snow until he stops in the middle of the street, he looks down and you watch, over the top of your book, as his body lets out a breath he seems to have been holding in for a long time. 

You try to hold your tongue but you’re not about to let him walk around in this town and ignore you. “Get into a fight with Tommy?” you question, placing your book down in your lap and pulling the blanket further up your legs. His head shoots up to look at you, his expression looks pained, like he knew this was coming but would prefer it to not be happening right now. 

“Somethin’ like that,” he grumbles as he slowly walks over to the house, treading lightly both figuratively and literally. 

“Ah, still the same Joel Miller, so elusive and cautious, so stony-faced,” he doesn’t answer you, just looks away to where the girl is talking to some other kids, “of course, he wasn’t always like that,” you mumble, more to yourself than him but he still catches it.

“Don’t” He snaps back.

“Don’t?” You scoff, “that’s rich, what? Can’t handle a bit of shit back?” Again, he doesn’t answer. “That your kid?” You ask, you make sure that you breathe when you ask but really, you’re suffocating inside, you want to fawn over him, you want to hug him and cradle his head in your hand, and you want him to rub soothing circles on your hips like he used to but you’re dealing with an entirely different man now.

“No.” There’s a pause, you notice his eyes flit down to your hands, presumably searching out your ring. “Just tryna get her somewhere.” You nod at his response before silence falls over you both, your eyes drifting over to the kid.

“What’s her name?”

“Ellie.” You nod your head once again. 

You can feel everything bubbling up inside you, emotions and words and if you’re not careful they’ll come bubbling out of you in a way that you can’t control. Every second spent in his presence goads you. “You… got a boyfriend?” he asks cautiously and you roll your eyes.

“Jheez Joel, no, how are ya?” He looks down at his fingers that are resting on the wooden railing, like a little boy that’s just been told off. You don’t even know how to respond, your brain trying to categorise your thoughts and feelings like your mind is a jumble sale. 

“What ya thinking about?” His voice is soft, his eyes feel as though they’re looking into your soul, like they used to do, he was looking at you like he did when you did something he adored, something that reminded him why he loved you so damn much.

When you let out a sigh instead of an answer, he tapped both hands on the railing and pushed himself off, a slight smile that quickly turned into a frown. “See ya around.”

He stopped walking as you began speaking and you were glad his back was to you because here comes the word vomit, 

“ Thinkin about how one day, probably sometime within the next five years, my kids are gonna come runnin up on this porch and my husband is gonna come home from his patrol shift, presumably with you, and he’s gonna tell me about his day and he’ll give that little of a shit that he won’t even notice that I’m not lookin directly at him, I’m lookin past him at you. About how, when I go to tuck my kids in at night I’ll get this stabbing in my chest and this gnawing feeling in my brain telling me that I’m a bad mother because sure, I’ll love them to absolute pieces but part of me can’t help but think I’d love them more if they were your kids. About how I’ll get into bed at night, with my husband who doesn’t so much as utter a “goodnight” to me, instead just rolls over and goes straight to sleep and I’ll cry and mull over what could have been and what I wanted more than anything in the world- until the exhaustion washes over me. Then I’ll wake up the next day and do it all over again. That’s what I’m thinking about Joel.”

He turns to face you at your admission and you can see the tears in his eyes, watching as he forces them out with a blink before wiping a stray one with the back of his flannel. “See ya around,” he repeats.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller angst #hbo joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #hbo joel miller x you #tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #angsty joel miller #dovedewdrop

[strang3lov3]

@dovedewdrop

So tell me….

“His hair is tousled and his gaze soft as he reaches for his jeans to fully examine your work. Of course, they’re still a mess. He'll be on the hunt to find a new pair of jeans that fit like the pair he--you ruined. Another pair that squeeze his ass cheeks just so, like they were crafted for him by Levi Strauss himself. He knows what his jeans do to you. Why your eyes always seem wander south. You can't help yourself. Joel's got cake and he knows it.”

Thoughts on this? This was my favorite addition. Really drives home the whole cake idea, right?

#strang3lov3 #dovedewdrop

[joelswritingmistress]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 5 people who liked or reblogged something from you! 🩵🩵

1. My children/family

2. My friends

3. Writing

4. Playing/Watching sports (more watching these days lol)

5. The Beach! 🏝️

#dovedewdrop #tumblr games #5 things that make me happy

[planet-marz1]

Last song I listened to was:

tysm for the tag lexi @bastardmandennis 💜

np tags: @hyzer34 @cool-iguana @catchallfangirl @gracieheartspedro @amanitacowboy @worhols @mandoisapunk @daydreamingmiller @pamasaur @millerscoffee @pascalpvnk @dovedewdrop @imjustreallygone

& anyone else who wants to do it! 💗

#tag games

[millerscoffee]

thank you for the tag, @darkroastjoel!

refresh your pinterest and save the 3rd pic, 4 times. that's your aesthetic.

wow, it was obviously javi coded and the nails really brought it home

npt: @nostalxgic @planet-marz1 @hellishjoel @joelslegalwhre @cavillscurls @dovedewdrop whoever wants to <3

#tag game #soz if you've done this already

[jinxispunk]

🌹 MY MAN 🌹

rules: show four men who make you yell 'THATS MY MAN!!!!!' at your tv xox

thank you for tagging me @fruityreads and @jennaispunk <3

1. joel miller (nobody is surprised)

2. peter parker (exclusively andrew garfield peter parker, love the others but this man has a special place in my heart)

3. han solo (no explanation necessary here)

4. dieter bravo (drama queen of my heart)

no pressure tags: @dovedewdrop @goodwithcheese @stylesispunkk @mrsmando x

[dovedewdrop]

One Number Away (Joel’s POV)

I'm one number away from calling you

I said I was through, but I'm dying, inside

Got my head in a mess, girl, I confess

I lied when I said, "I'm leaving and not coming back" / 1.3k

✨Part 1✨ ✨Part 2✨

A/N: My sincerest apologies for the wait! Thought I'd switch it up and give you all a lil look at the inside of Joel's brain😊 Also I just got back from staying in a cabin for a week and its been giving me soft cowboy!Joel thoughts so if anyone would care to grace my inbox with any thoughts on that...👀🤠🤎

Warnings: Joel being a saddie. Angst.

---

Joel thought being alone would be better. He didn’t need distractions or people depending on him anymore, he’d only let them down anyway. So when you left with Tommy he thought he’d feel lighter, now that there was a weight off his shoulders, but as it turns out, the hunch over his shoulders only pushed him down further. 

Everywhere he went he felt the cold at his back, seeping into his bones, reminders of having lost Sarah and how he pushed you and his own brother away. He tried to move on, to tell himself that all of those things were in the past and he had to focus on the next thing, focus or get himself killed but the sting of his losses were written all over him for everyone to see.

Even Tess knew that he wasn’t for her, that his heart belonged to someone else and always would, so she held him at night “for warmth” and made him breakfast and poured him whiskey under the guise of friendship, hoping that one day he’d maybe see her.

For 20 years Joel sat in his guilt and anger, he let it seep through every fibre of his being, he may not be infected by cordyceps, but he was affected in a different way. Not that he was ever the most happy-go-lucky guy in Austin but he had love for his family and that made him smile and laugh and joke around, now there was nothing to laugh about. 

That is, until he met Ellie.       

It took him so long to warm up to her, every time he looked at her he thought about you and Sarah, he told himself that the baby you were carrying wasn’t just a miscarriage but a foreshadowing of what was to come, how it would be all his fault. Everyday spent with Ellie triggered a fountain of emotions for him, he told himself that he shouldn’t be trusted to look after her, then the next day he’d tell himself that this was his chance to make things right, to protect her like he couldn’t protect Sarah. His inside of his head resembled that of a wasps nest, thoughts always buzzing and swarming in his mind with no chance of respite, but when Ellie cracked that one joke it did, in fact, have him laughing, his mind began to quiet, and he had to admit that it was nice to not always be filled with tension.

As they crossed the country together he found his thoughts sometimes drifting to you, wondering for the most part if you were still alive. If you were, were you happy? Happy to be free of him? Happy to maybe start a new life with someone else? Or were you constantly walking through this life being traumatised? Something he knew you didn’t deserve and especially not from him. He thinks about how you were always there for him and how in the end he took your kindness and stomped all over it in those big boots of his.

When he saw you in Jackson he couldn’t do anything. He was overjoyed to see Tommy but as soon as he saw those eyes of yours, the ones that overflowed with tears the last time he saw you, he was physically rooted in place whilst mentally his mind was running a hundred miles an hour.

He watched as you walked off before turning to Tommy with a sombre look on his face. “I don’t know why I didn’t expect to see her here”, his brother didn’t know how to respond to him, as much as he was happy to see Joel, he stood firm on the fact that he had some grovelling to do. “Thank you for keepin’ her safe” The look in Joel’s eyes was genuine before he headed off in the direction of Ellie to help her with her things.

The sight of both you and Tommy after 18 years is what really took the weight off his shoulders, despite the incessant buzzing starting to creep back in. The collection of doubts begun to swirl around his brain, she doesn’t want to see you, she wouldn’t accept your apology if you gave her one, and would you blame her? He wanted so desperately to talk to you, to pull you close to his chest again, to kiss the top of your head but you were both different people now and he couldn’t ask any of those things of you.

So after his tiff with Tommy he couldn’t resist treading the snow to your house after you’d let out a snide remark. The pit in his stomach told him it was a bad idea, he was already riled up and he didn’t want to let you see that he was still an asshole, sometimes and besides, you don’t need him, you have a new life here, a better life without him, so it was better if he kept his distance. 

However, before he even knew what was happening the words were tumbling out of his mouth and into the cold air, condensing it with a fog, “You…got a boyfriend?” He clocked you rolling your eyes at him. Stupid. He shouldn’t have ever come over. And then you were chastising him, something you hadn’t done since before this whole thing started because somewhere along the way you became small and he hated himself for it every single day. 

He couldn’t help but take in your features, your soft lips, remembering the way you’d sometimes press them into his shoulder or your eyes, the way they lit up when you held the pregnancy test up to him from the bathroom floor. 

He wanted to know what was on your mind even though he doubted you would tell him and he was right, you weren’t answering him and that was all the confirmation he needed that you weren’t interested in engaging with a man who was now pretty much a stranger to you all over again. He had to walk away, for today at least, he was tired, the day had been long and he was emotionally all over the place.

But when you spoke up and confessed everything to him, he had stopped in his tracks and the tears were one blink away from creating a stream over the planes of his face. He couldn’t let you see the inner turmoil he was going through, he wanted to run to you to, to wrap you up in his arms and never let you go again but he also didn’t trust that he was fixed, that he was cured of his anger and his traumas.

In a panic, he simply pushed out a “see ya around.”

The following few days were hard for Joel. The buzzing had returned full-time and he was feeling antsy, sometimes snapping at Ellie and feeling immediate guilt. He was working on it. However, when Saturday came around he couldn’t help it, he’d held it together for so long, when you left he’d only slipped up once, the scar on his temple a constant reminder of that.

He’d been watching you watch him and Ellie put the decorations on their Christmas tree, his heart feeling tight, because you should be here with him and Sarah and your little one, who wouldn’t be so little anymore. He’d found himself in the pub at 7:30pm that Saturday evening, downing his drinks and letting his eyes drift towards you, he knew he wasn’t helping himself but he was at a loose end, with no idea what to do with himself anymore.

The next morning he felt rough, he’d cried and cried and cried into his pillow for the majority of the night after Tommy had left him, his fist sometimes slamming down on the pillow lying next to him, before chastising himself mentally, he wouldn’t do this if you were lying next to him, he wouldn’t even be pissed out of his mind if that was the case. He brewed his morning coffee and dragged himself onto the porch, not surprised to see you sat on yours at all. He slumped down into a chair and rubbed at the bridge of his nose, he had to figure this out, decide what he was going to do. 

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller angst #hbo joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #hbo joel miller x you #tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #angsty Joel miller #dovedewdrop

[dovedewdrop]

Ceilings

But it's not real

And you don't exist

joel miller x f!reader /375 words

A/N: Everytime I listen to this song I see a whole ass montage so here’s a lil drabble🥹

Warnings: depictions of intimacy. Implied age-gap (reader in early 20s, Joel in his early 40s). Confusing writing (praying that this actually makes sense to everyone🤞🏻). Non-mutual pining🥺.

———

He’d come straight away when you’d called, no questions asked, no begrudging grumble like there usually is for everyone else except you and when you’d held his hand to slow him down in the parking lot as the rain drowned you both, he’d maybe even cracked a small smile, fleeting but there none the less. 

“You gotta stay outta trouble darlin, what would your daddy say?” Your eyes shot up into your skull, the water you were sipping on near enough lodged in your throat. “Don’t worry, I ain’t sayin shit.” The beats of silence felt comfortable for you but as you looked over, he was tense, shoulders slightly hunched like there was more he wanted to get off his chest.

Five minutes had passed, and then, “You gotta stay out of trouble for me” his eyes softened, melted like butter in a hot pan, “can’t see nothin happen to you Angel,” his knuckles were strangling the steering wheel and in his head he pictured himself ringing the necks of every single man that placed so much as a finger on you. “Care about you…a lot.” 

His lips ghosted over your skin, from your abdomen to the space between your breasts, skimming flesh but never quite relieving you of the ache to feel the warmth of them fully. The rough pads of his fingertips pulled at your waist, as if he was trying to merge the both of you into one yet it was never really close enough. The sounds of his groans were dizzying, knowing that just even the sight and touch of your body was having the same effect on him filled you with a rush of warmth. This was the first time you were doing this dance with Joel Miller, and you never wanted it to end.

Time had apparently been at a stand still- for you at least. You’d been staring at your dashboard for what felt like 5 minutes but was more likely bordering on 25. Your rose coloured glasses had dissipated at the scene playing out in front of you, Joel, the man across the street who had never uttered a single word to you, holding the door of his truck open for his date.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fic #joel miller #joel miller angst #joel miller fluff #joel miller smut #hbo joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #hbo joel miller x you #tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #dovedewdrop