#each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like .... #tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON. #yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!! #their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!! #like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!! #aND THEY ARE!!! #something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

[kharmii]

Omegaverse/Blankshipping

Someone sent me an anonymous ask talking about Omegaverse, but they ended it with this: *not an anti or looking for a fight tho! just really interested in fd history overall. plus i vibe w literary analysis :) pls dont answer this ask! this was an impulse info-dump on my end lol*

I'll respect that, but I want to talk about a few points they wrote on here for the fun of it. Save it about touching grass. I do that all damn day. Sometimes I just want to go online and say some goofy shit. (USUAL WARNINGS APPLY: R-18 EXPLICIT OFFENSIVE)

Anon wrote: tho tbh i am kinda sour about the fact that male omegas dont have periods :))

Really?! That seems misogynistic and also unhealthy af. Since this whole fandom is a dog analogy to me, I'd compare male omegas to those grody messes of English bulldogs that are unable to do all aspects of breeding without human intervention. They should have let natural selection run its course and let all those flabby lumps of flesh die out. After all, they can't birth without c-sections, and they can't even do the deed to make puppies. Breeders have to rely on artificial insemination.

Whoever created this kink obviously didn't world build outside of the asinine fetish. A male omega would obviously require a c-section so they don't hemorrhage to death squeezing an infant out their rectum, and they would most certainly have a period, but the menstrual blood might not have any place to go except back up into whatever version of ovaries they have. Then from there it would turn into fibrous tissue surrounding all vital organs. They'd all need routine laparoscopies done to remove the severe endometriosis growing around their vital organs, otherwise they'd constantly be in the fetal position suffering severe chronic pain.

Also they wrote: it's mostly a way to make your mlm ships "work". wc i guess makes abo theoretically weird and harmful w the way it makes gay ships approximate heterosexual relationships? also there is some ingrained misogyny to it... its a slippery, slipper slope. but nggl, thats not something you should put into mind as much! the things ppl enjoy are not complete reflections of their beliefs or who they are hehe

It doesn't work with mirror twins who are genetic copies of each other and therefore can't be opposite genders.

The blankshippers keep throwing out that 'your fantasies have nothing to do with who you are irl', and they have this huge persecution complex like they think so many people are out to judge them and harass them. -Come to find out, they are cliquish and JUDGEMENTAL AS FUUUUUCK. They will stew over some little slight and then label you as a horrible person over it....but don't you dare judge them for the sick-ass weird shit they are into. I found this out when a bunch of them were gossiping on Discord about me (it's fine; you can keep on keepin' on and I won't hold it against you *wink*). Two of them blocked me, so I can say mean stuff about them, and they will only find out if someone goes out of their way to tell them.

One clown, "Tombstone" was secretly stewing with resentment while we interacted back-and-forth when I'd reblog his/her posts. I thought we were having fun, but this person didn't like how I interpreted fan art wrong when I'd attribute my head canons to other artists images, and I supposedly used the word 'retard' when reblogging one of his/her posts. The only time I remember (goofing around) doing this was a long-ass time ago, calling Emmet a 'crazy-retarded God-killer'. I thought he/she might have been talking about this, but no go. He/she said that I should stop saying mean stuff about Emmet on his/her posts, yet he/she constantly dehumanizes Emmet, is into torture porn about the twins, and turns them into a serial killers and/or monsters. There's nothing meaner than that.

Another clown, "Dingo" is like....good riddance. This artist makes Emmet's facial expressions look mentally retarded af. He/she likes drawing Ingo's jacket but has issues with Emmet's for some odd reason. Also, he/she is the one who did a gross bull/cow drawing where Ingo was wearing a full arm glove that presumably goes up a cow's vagina that's roomy enough to accommodate an entire human arm. -Nothing gross and inappropriate about that. Nope. No sir. -Also did dog-fucker. I can almost see the invisible stink lines coming out of them.

The worst part is that he/she draws the twins looking gross and skanky with scruffy hair. They don't seem like the skeevy tramp-stamp sort of dudes. Sure, they look like clownish creepy puppets, but they also look rather crisp and shiny and fresh. They look like the sort of guys who would smell pretty....walking into a room engulfed in a cloud of good-smelling cologne. Even when Ingo was in Hisui, I'd bet he was the type to bathe in the hot springs twice a month, instead of just once a month like is customary for Pearl Clan members. When he'd reunite with Emmet and be told he was rather ripe, he'd reply, "Why...I was just in the hot springs a week and a half ago!"

Art credit to: ℃эŁ@cal_1d2d Twitter.

#omegaverse #fandumb fail #srsly tho #dumbest ass crap #troll post #because i can #english bulldogs #persecution complex #gossip #ask me about my million stupid bj aus #submas

[bigskydreaming]

Sorry to bother you, but RE: the Jason Todd in Arkham thing, like, what was Dick supposed to do? Take him home to the same house where two of the KIDS that Jason had threatened/attacked were supposed to be living in what one hoped would be relative safety?

Like, full offence, Jason had at that point proven himself a danger to all the people around him. If he wound up at Arkham, oh well, maybe don’t kill a whole bunch of ppl and harm numerous others. If Arkham doesn’t work as a hospital, maybe he should have been at another one, but at that point in his character arc, a secure mental health facility was probably the best he could expect.

It’s like ppl forget he’s a multiple murderer with a history of targeting the ppl Dick loves. I don’t even read the comics and I know this much.

Oh for sure, I mean, I've posted meta about this before because the fandom accepted narrative gets it sooooooo wrong. Like, I'll always be right at the front of the line yelling IT WAS JASON'S CHARACTERIZATION THAT WAS CRAP THROUGH ALL THAT, THAT'S NOT JASON, GIMME NUANCE OR GIMME DEATH. Y'know, something like that.

But like, given that Jason was written as repeatedly trying to kill Dick's other two brothers its like, yeah?! What was Dick supposed to do? He'd tried asking Jason nicely hey could you stop doing that and Jason was like LOL no.

And also....people are like - Dick callously threw Jason into Arkham right next to the Joker and then just left him there and forgot about him and....SOURCE?

1) Dick didn't DO this to Jason, JASON went after Dick and Damian and in the process of fighting him in a very public space, Dick beat Jason and police were already like....right there? Dick didn't actually have the option of being uh no, you can't take this known and notorious criminal into custody, I'll stop you on the basis of - well I can't tell you actually but plz just trust me okay, he totes didn't mean it! (except like also, at that point he totes did, so.....)

2) What pull Dick DID have as Batman with the GCPD, he used to get Jason put into Arkham INSTEAD of Blackgate for his SAFETY. We know this to be true. Jason himself confirmed that absolutely nothing bad happened to him in Arkham, he just didn't want to be there but WHO THE HELL EVER WANTS TO BE IN A PRISON OF ANY SORT? And the first thing Dick said when Bruce said Jason had demanded to be transferred to Blackgate is that Jason wouldn't be safe there with all the enemies he had gunning for him. It was abundantly clear that Jason's safety had been a primary concern for Dick the whole time (and Jason wasn't safe at Blackgate, its just fine, he only wanted to be transferred in order to enact an escape plan that got like 80 people indiscriminately killed but whatevs. Its Gotham, what's a few dozen more dead criminals am I right? *rolls eyes at how often that little detail gets left out of the narrative).

3) Dick consistently put time, focus and Wayne Enterprises money into Arkham Asylum while he was Batman, since Arkham was being rebuilt from the ground up after it was blown up in Battle for the Cowl. Also, Dick had been one of the last 'patients' in the old Arkham, given that he went undercover to infiltrate the Black Glove while they were in control of Arkham and spent a week in there drugged to the gills, locked up and in a straitjacket before being almost lobotomized. He has every grievance with Arkham that fan writers like to PRETEND Jason has from his stay there, but Jason's only complaint was that he again, was bored, and he had to take psych evals every other week because it was after all, still a mental health institution. Dick did everything in his power at the time to make sure that even if Jason did have to be locked up to keep him from going after more people, like, it was going to be as humane as possible and the stuff that Dick himself had JUST experienced in the old Arkham WOULDN'T happen to Jason.

4) The Joker was literally nowhere near Arkham THE ENTIRE TIME. This is not a small detail, given that 'the Joker was just five cells down' is the entire basis of most writers' Jason-in-Arkham angst and the anti-Dick sentiments they tend to create. All the major Rogues escaped from the old Arkham in Battle for the Cowl BEFORE it blew up. That's why they're not DEAD. Dick's run as Batman was primarily about fighting the escapees. And Joker, very significantly, was clearly among those Rogues not present in Arkham during Dick's Batman run, given he was literally toying with Dick and Damian through most of it. Seriously, how much do people have to hate Dick and think the worst of him to think that he - the dude who btw, BEAT THE JOKER TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS FOR MAKING JOKES ABOUT KILLING JASON - would just....obliviously lock Jason up right next to the Joker and throw away the key?

Like...and it goes on and on, lol. I remember the first time I brought all this up in an argument with some Jason stans, they literally started laughing back and forth to each other in the replies about how someone was a bit too carried away with their own fanon, and its like...LMAO! Yes! Someone is! Its YOU! You are the people you guys are talking about, looooool, I can literally back all this up with sourced panels.

Buuuuuuut, c'est la vie.

I mean, this is nothing new for us, its literally Teen Wolf fandom alllll over again. Probably why I just said nope, not doing this again awhile back and was like umm actually I will NOT just be ignoring the blatant false narratives thrown around here just so that people happy with the fanon narratives that prioritize the characters they like and sling shit at the characters they don't can have their fandom just the way they want it at the expense of everyone else in it. You wanna push bad faith interpretations of specific characters at every literal opportunity, its like, that's cool! I got the drive! I can push back with actual facts, its all good!

But the most hilarious thing to me will always be how fucking INDIGNANT people get about that, like "How dare you point out the precedent we established in not caring about any fandom experience other than our own and thus being loud and everpresent with our preferred interpretations in an attempt to drown out any other possible interpretation just so that the most people possible would be influenced by us instead of anything else, and we'd get more of the content we like at the expense of any possible nuance whatsoever."

Like, the most common complaint I get is people griping about how damn often I'm saying "mmmm, no, this isn't what happened actually" and "okay but have you considered flipping the script BACK from the way you flipped it initially in order to get this weird ass interpretation of a superhero noted for his emphasis on emotional caretaking of his loved ones actually being this callous oblivious selfish jerk who tramples all over the feelings of everyone around them and makes them just the woobiest woobies that ever did woobie all throughout Woobieland?"

And I'm just like, okay see, I hear you, its just the thing is, the THING IS......

If you didn't want that to be the topic of conversation so damn often, then hey, just a suggesh, but maybe you shouldn't have devoted literal years to coming up with the most bad faith interpretations of this character possible at literally every available opportunity. Maybe there'd be like.....less reason for the topic to come up so often, if like....you by your own actions hadn't made it a necessary topic to tackle so often?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING HERE, DON'T MIND ME AND MY CRAZY-ASS IDEAS OF FAIR PLAY.

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

#mun rambles #its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #posting this now cos this is a question ive been getting #although this has been worded in the most unnecessarily passive aggressive way possible that i do not appreciate #im wary about all u so called social justice warriors championing this n that liberal idea when all u want to do is stir shit #thankfully i dont have much experience with this but just passively seeing all these ppl run their mouths is getting very annoying #but just know that i will not tolerate any of that bullshit here. because if u really do care about ppl as much as u say u do #then why r u attacking ppl period #ur really just hiding behind a righteous excuse to harm people. thats disgusting. i dont want u here

[krowfics]

This world is after me, after you

Fandom: MLP:FiM

Ship: Flutterdash

Plot: Rainbow wakes up from a nightmare and she feels like she's back in Cloudsdale, far from safety. Fluttershy comforts her and reminds her that she's safe now.

Words: 1480

Notes: AU where Rainbow has PTSD and moved in with Fluttershy when they left Cloudsdale. Hurt/comfort, flashbacks, nightmares, self harm, past child abuse, Fluttershy is a good marefriend

FiMfiction

~~~

Rainbow Dash sat up with a gasp, her breaths ragged, eyes blown wide with adrenaline coursing through her veins. She needed to go. She needed to run. She needed to fly. She needed to hide. It’s not safe. She’s not safe.

“Honey?”

She looked around the room. Where is her dad? Where did he go? Is he coming back? She should lock the door. He’ll yell if she locks the door. She should hide. She’s not safe.

“Rainbow, sweetie.”

The pegasus turned when she felt something- someone grabbing at her wing. Fluttershy. Fluttershy was here.

“That’s right, honey, I’m here.” The mare’s soft voice spoke.

Why was she here? It’s not safe. She can’t be here.

“You are safe Rainbow.”

No.

“Yes.”

Rainbow gazed at the other for a long moment. She saw those beautiful cyan eyes and the pale coat that was dimmed in the dark of night. Her vision blurred, making it impossible to continue her staring at the other any longer.

“No. No, Rainbow, let go of your wing.” A bit of sternness showed through her voice. Rainbow looked down to see the offending appendage in her grasp. Why was she holding her own wing? She dropped it. “Good.” Rainbow Dash did good. Good. 

She flinched hard when she felt something touch her hoof, she opened her eyes - When had she shut them? - and saw Fluttershy’s hoof being pulled away from where it had tried to hold hers, “Wait- Don’t-” Rainbow managed, reaching out to grasp the hoof between her own forehooves, “Mine.” she mumbled.

“Okay.” Fluttershy said, “Okay, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.”

Go. They needed to go, it isn’t safe. Rainbow just held the hoof tighter.

“We’re going to turn the lights on, o-”

“No!” Rainbow winced at the loud noise that came from herself, “No,” She said much quieter, “We- we can’t. He’s- He’ll-”

“Oh, oh, fledgling. Come here.” Fluttershy concern was clear even as she whispered, “We won’t. We won’t turn the lights on.” She promised.

Rainbow let herself be folded into the arms of the other, unable to hold back hiccups that boarded on sobs. She clung to the other’s hoof as tight as she dared. She needed to keep Fluttershy safe, it wasn’t safe. She muffled her whimpers in the yellow pegasus’ neck and felt one of Flutters’ hooves on the back of her head, slowly petting her mane. Two yellow wings wrapped around her comfortingly.

“Rainbow,” She could feel the vibration of Fluttershy’s voice against her, “Do you know who I am?”

Rainbow nodded barely, face still pressed against the crook of the other’s neck.

“Can you tell me?”

“Fluttershy.” She whispered.

“Yes, that’s right. Good.” Fluttershy said she was good, that’s good. “Can you tell me where we are?” 

Where are they? Where was this? She was in a bed. The blanket was still covering her back hooves, she could feel it when she shuffled her legs. She was home. “Home.”

“Where is home?”

Where?

They were yelling. They were yelling and screaming and she wasn’t good, she was bad. They were screaming at her that she was bad. They were going to hurt her. He was going to hurt her.

And now she was in bed. Fluttershy was in bed with her.

“Cottage.” She said eventually, “Ponyville.”

“Yes.” Fluttershy said with relief, “We’re in our cottage in Ponyville. We’re safe. You’re safe.”

Rainbow pulled back, just enough to look at the other, “Safe?” She said more to herself than anyone else.

“Yes, safe.” Fluttershy confirmed, loosening the hold her wing’s had on the other mare.

Rainbow Dash looked around the room, dimly lit by moonlight and alive with worry. Animals blinked up at her from every corner. She was having a nightmare that wasn’t real and she’s safe now, “We can turn the light on.” She said, she winced as she realized how scratchy her voice was from crying.

“Okay,” Fluttershy said, “Angel?” She turned, and the rabbit in question gave an audible huff but jumped up and flicked the switch.

Rainbow jerked her hoof over her eyes at the blinding sensation. The other hoof was still holding Fluttershy’s, she realized, “Sorry,” She mumbled but couldn’t find it in herself to let go, “The thought of losing you scares me.” Her voice cracked a little at those words. SHe wasn’t going to cry again. She wasn’t.

“You have nothing to apologize for, I’m not going anywhere.” Fluttershy said again, she turned to another animal, the whole room was filled with them at this point, likely concerned after hearing their conversation, if you could even call it that, “Could you get her a glass of water, please?” She asked.

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“You were having a nightmare.”

“I still woke you.”

Fluttershy looked at her, a little incredulously, “I’m glad you did, I wanted to help you. You would do the same for me. You do the same for me when I have panic attacks.”

She did. She’d do anything for Fluttershy. Rainbow would fly to the end of Equestria and back for the mare, she would chop off both her wings if it meant helping the other, and of course she’d help her through any nightmare or panic attack at the drop of a feather.

Speaking of wings.

Rainbow flexed hers awkwardly, wincing in pain. Fluttershy looked at her sympathetically. A trio of two birds and a squirrel somehow managed to work together and bring a glass of water to Fluttershy’s side of the bed, “Thank you,”  said the kind pony, she held the glass up to Rainbow, “Drink this, I’ll go get the… Oh.”

She smiled and Rainbow Dash followed her gaze to see that two ferrets had jumped onto the foot of the bed, dragging the first aid kit from the bathroom along with them.

“Thank you.” Fluttershy said, giving the water to Rainbow so that she could pick up the box. Rainbow drank, despite feeling like there was a pit in her stomach. She downed the cup in a few gulps and reached over to set it on the bedside table.

Fluttershy had gotten out cream and whatnot to sooth the painful places that once held feathers. Rainbow didn’t know why she pulled out feathers, it didn't make any sense for someone who liked flying so much to do even subconsciously. Apparently it was something with stress and over grooming and was common among anxious pegasi, but all that meant for her was that she may not be able to fly well for a few days if the episode was too bad. That sucks but also doubly sucks considering she’s a weather pony, her job literally requires flight.

She let the other mare treat her like she would one of her animal friends, like she’d done countless times before. Rainbow Dash just watched her work, staring intently at a honestly barely noticeable bald patch with a cotton swab in her grasp, laying some medication on it. Rainbow only pulled out two feathers this time, she’d be fine as long as she didn’t get an infection, and Fluttershy would see to it that she wouldn’t.

Fluttershy. Fluttershy the mare who helped her through every flash back, who helped her escape from that Celestia forsaken place, who cared for innocent animals with as much gusto as she cared for other ponies. Fluttershy, the love of her life. She was kind, and she was wonderful, and she hummed a soft little tune as she capped the medication and set it back with the supplies to give back to the ferrets.

“I love you.” Rainbow breathed, not really trying to say anything, but she could hardly worry about it when it was so true.

Fluttershy smiled at her, “I love you too, fledgling,” She said, placing a kiss on Rainbow’s forehead, “Would you like to go back to sleep?”

Rainbow nodded and Fluttershy slipped under the blanket with her, “Angel?” Rainbow heard her say, and the light turned off, “Thank you, Angel bunny. And every critter, thank you for helping, goodnight.” There was chittering and chattering in response and Rainbow couldn’t help but smile at that.

Fluttershy hummed, finally laying down with her, “What’re you thinking about?”

“You.” Rainbow said, “You’re perfect, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” She said, a bit sappily, but how could she not be sappy when she had the best pony ever sharing the heat of a bed with her.

“You’re just as perfect.” Fluttershy said, continuing before Rainbow could argue otherwise, “Perfect for me. We’re perfect for each other. You know, we’re meant to be.” She said softly, laying a wing over the blue pegasus to pull her closer.

“We are, aren’t we?” Rainbow grinned.

“Mhm.” The mare agreed, her eyes already shut as she began to succumb to sleep, “Good night, honey.”

“Good night, Flutters.”

~~~

I used this prompt list and a random number generator to get

1“You know we’re meant to be.”

2“The thought of losing you scares me.”

9“Mine.”

I also got a random song from a playlist (that was the mcr discography, so not that random) for inspiration and got Bulletproof Heart. Don’t tell the ppl over at FiMfiction that that’s where I got the title from, I’m 99% sure I’m breaking a rule- aaa-

also i literally have so much for this au so, i might write more,,, idk,,

#thekrowiswriting #mlp fan fiction #flutterdash #hurt/comfort #fluttershy #rainbow dash #self harm tw #trauma tw #flash backs tw #past child abuse

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket SE02 (ep,9). part 1

You know it’s real when kyo is given monologue right from the beginning! It rarely happens that he’s allowed any!, but when he does, it hits like a wild wave changing everything. The story is never the same after each time he’s given inner-talk. Forever changing the dynamics, the secrets & the relationships. e.g. true form ep.

Kyo’s love confession:

The sweetest, most tender love confession from the character that started the show fighting & screaming! The one that hated himself the most! now loves his name, only cuz she said it! “a special ring to it”. the guy who couldn’t look at her face, will repeat stupid things over “if it made you smile”. “Since when did I started” falling in love with you? the show goes on to show us various moment from as early as ep,4 & throughout seasons & scenes! he doesn’t know! We, the viewers, also don’t know when he started loving her!! we kinda gradually~ normally~ unknowingly~ fell in love with them together. The show opened this heavy ep filled with first-hand experience & steps on how Akito destroyed his victim... ouch! well-played, furuba! well-played.

The location: An empty room, no furniture, small, suffocating. The abuser sits far, then slowly walks towards the prey until there’s no space. But not before causing  physical pain to reassure dominance over the victim.

STEP 1: (The BET).

Kyo in his attempts to fight his destiny has met up with Akito prior to the beginning of the story, to defy him. Akito cleverly traps kyo into a bet manipulating his desire to break away from his fate. you said, YOU can fight your destiny? ok. I’ll let you. If you win against yuki, I’ll let you be free. easy, right? kyo this is your chance to prove yourself to yourself! just practice & win a stupid match. EASY! except it isn’t. The rat is superior to the cat. Your trials are in vain. you’ll NEVER rise up to anything except a failure. Try for three years! so generous of Akito! 36 months! you only need to win once! But you WON’T EVER! planting a toxic seed that eats away the victim’s self-esteem, hope & desire. Give him the chance to believe in himself then CRUSH IT. Once kyo fails, he’ll never believe in himself again. The bet is now cancelled before the third year even begins! one year & a half of failure is enough. You LOST. The Directing was phenomenal! The scene is shot in shades of sickening green, with underwater feel, like kyo is drowning deep in Akito’s abuse. Akito was shown from kyo’s perspective. Distorted, scary & demonic. like a monster..

STEP 2: (the past)

Taunting kyo with selective words that hit exactly were it hurts the most, using affirmative sentences in calm authoritative tone, alluding to facts.“cuz you’re a monster, ur mom is dead” “it was ur fault” “u killed ur mom”. Akito painted kyo’s mom in martyr light. giving birth to a monster, admirably protecting & raising him. Her reward? DEATH due to immense pressure from being WITH him. Extra step: painting kyo as the unforgivable & unappreciative son “ her son didn’t even mourn her” cuz kyo didn’t cry in front of others in her funeral. all these words carved his psyche like daggers extracting buried memories of his dad doing like Akito. YOU caused ur mom grief. the memory is now crystal clear. His mom walking slowly with open arms towards death. Giving kyo her back knowing he’s there. choosing to abandon & leave him. cuz it is HIM that is too much to bear. it is HIM that she’s escaping from.

STEP 3: (the present)

“you should’ve died”, “if you didn’t exist EVERYONE would be happy” This everyone in particular destroyed kyo way more than Akito ever planned for. Everyone includes the present. Everyone includes ppl who aren’t sohma-related. Everyone includes a happy mother & daughter. Everyone includes kyoko & tohru. It is NOW that kyo crashes, falls, loses & bends. Kyoko is the nail in his coffin. Akito lets go of kyo’s hand. Mission accomplished.

-Miscalculation in Akito’s plan: (tohru)

Akito unwittingly ruins her plan by mentioning tohru. her triumphant smile disappears & her authoritative powerful voice turns into childish screams to silence kyo, pathetically covering her ears. This drastic shift in power resulted only by mentioning tohru. Realizing that tohru was used as tool for whatever reason gave kyo strength to stand up & defend her. how dare you call her a monster? how dare you call her an angel? NO. she is but a human. A kind soul. That stayed WITH me regardless of all my ugliness inside & outside. WHY? who does that? Who gives & never takes? the foolish traveler.

The foolish traveler’s role in liberating & confiding kyo:

In momiji’s story, the foolish traveler gives the monster her life & dies. Tohru gave kyo her presence. She did NOT heal him or fade the ugliness away. NO. She didn’t treat his trauma. NO. she doesn’t even know abt his mom’s suicide!! she ONLY gave him her presence. She stayed with the monster. WHY? cuz she is a foolish person filled with kindness not wanting anything in return. But what happened to the the foolish traveler at the end of momiji’s story? she died. again DEATH surrounds kyo. If this foolish traveler stays with him death awaits her. History has proven kyo’s company lethal. the cat has cursed his most beloved ppl into death & harm. his dad, mom, kyoko. This story made kyo realize his romantic love to tohru & tragically made him understand the possible sad ending.

Akito’s Rebound:

Akito sizes the chance, strikes back & regains power. Like a hungry monster smelling fear! “ do u think u have the right to fall in love with someone?” “do u think you’re allowed?” Kyoko, reinforcing Akito’s words.”I won’t forgive you”. you, the monster knows love?? “who’s the real villain” you, the killer! “who’s the one who involved her the most” You, the most cursed! “it’s best if you are gone”.” I KNOW!” ,kyo said.

The fighter gives up:

“it was me”. every negative thought kyo has is reinforced by a past experience from someone in his life. Akito blackmails kyo into accepting his confinement in exchange of NOT harming tohru. It is becuz kyo finally loved someone enough to want to EXIST in this word that he finally stops fighting. He fought for years for himself. Now, he’ll give up for another person. Tohru’s love liberated him from hating himself enough to die or take his hatred on someone else, but, her love also imprisoned him into thinking he’ll never be worthy for her. His first thought upon seeing her is “ I want to be with u forever” but once again “ kyoko shows up reminding him” i wont forgive you” How can kyo wish to be with her? his entire trauma is against it. does he has the guts to rip tohru’s smile once he confess abt the past? What does he expect tohru to say once she knows? How would tohru react? he’ll scar her forever more than she’s already scarred. Those scars that she hides oh so well from others will become tragically apparent once he confess. So, No, kyo. Spare her the pain. who are you anyway? a mere monster that everyone will be happy if you disappeared” “why didn’t my mom kill me?” “she should’ve killed me” If she did.. then tohru would’ve been happy with her mom. “Why am I still alive?”

Kyo’s precious flower:

love is against logic. Logic says stay away from tohru & spare her ur unworthy existence. Love says look for her! love makes you run to her! love makes you want to see her first thing after getting out of the that room. love says cherish her, be around, stay with her. Love says she needs you! yes, the unworthy monster has been loved before! way before tohru!. Kazuma flashes in his mind & brings hope, Kyoko, flashes with a kind smile, teasing him, I see different hair styles, maybe repeatedly meeting kyo, love reminded kyo of the friend-kyoko! who recognized his loneliness, patted his head, reached out to him, she told him abt the tiny flower, showed him her most precious treasure. These ppl treated him as a human! NOT a monster, kazuma, kyoko & tohru, love opened his eyes to see the light amidst the darkness, the warmth of the sunset after the depth of suffocation. He won’t give up on life. NO, he wants to LIVE, to LOVE & to give back! he now knows that his existence isn’t completely worthless! he was there for tohru. he has already given her back time after time since they’ve met, he knows that! he made her smile, he saw her! the real her! tiny, foolish & oh so precious!  By the time he reached her he was able to genuinely smile from his heart! yes, he can smile cuz she’s with him now. He doesn’t care anymore abt the disgusting sohma & their curse. He only cares abt her. he won’t trample his precious flower, “ i once hoped to be always together, far away” to “ make you my own” But NO. he can’t hurt her with the painful memories, he’ll treat her with utmost respect, care & love until its time to say goodbye. quietly exiting from her life. As long as she’s not harmed. As long as her smile stays, so, he’ll stay with her together,” until we’re separated far apart”

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #emotional paper #SE02 #kyo sohma #Tohru Honda #amazing ep! #long post

[coldalbion]

Part 1: I was Odin and Loki devotee for 3 years and I considered having quite a strong connection with both of them despite of being a noob so to say. At one point I tried to become part of a certain small pagan community, because I felt I needed a pack; I didn't know much about anything and wanted to learn. Couple of months went well. Then I found out admin was a manipulative closet nazi and gay/transphobe.

Part 2: The rest of the ppl there didn't mind it at all in the name of "tolerating different opinions" and just laughed it off. I was so outraged, and I left. However, they too were norse pagans or inclined in one way or another towards the practice. They were talking like the gods had their back, helped them to get forward and agreed with what they were doing. Tried to talk me to "open my mind" to it as well.Part 3: When I was younger, I used to loathe everything monoteism related because of people like that. Now the same fury I thought had already been dead and buried, emerged stronger than ever, and this time it wasn't aimed at monoteism, but norse gods. I felt betrayed and used. I thought I'll rather be alone than have anything to do with deities who hang out with nazis or other human scum, while crying my eyes out and getting rid of my altar.Part 4: A friend tried to tell me to be reasonable, reminded me they're just people and people can talk shit or be deluded, and asked do I trust more the gods or people. I answered "I don't trust anybody anymore. Everyone can just fuck off." Now it feels like I've chopped off my own arm and run into space, far away from Earth, and just drifting there with nowhere to go. Like I would've lost one of my senses. It's dead silent.Still, just a thought of putting the altar back pisses me off, as everything norse related reminds me of those people. And I hate it as well how big of an infuence they have over me. I'm not even sure why am I writing this. I was thinking have you or someone of your followers perhaps had similar experiences and how did they overcome it?

That’s a horrible thing to have happen anon, and it’s never easy to experience betrayal - particularly when it’s in an arena where you feel that you were an individual who knew less, and in a sense looked up to those others as worthy of respect. I can only imagine what it felt like to have folks you used to consider pack, people you thought worthy and trusted to watch your back and look out for your spiritual well being, embrace or give time to such vile ideas which should never be tolerated.It’s bad enough when authors or authorities you respected turn out to not be what you thought they were, or espouse sentiments that are anathema to our own sense of justice and right living, let alone when those ideas have been proven to lead to atrocity after atrocity, violations of body and soul for thousands, nay, millions of people.So I understand you anger, and your sense of loss, because while the circumstances were different, I too have felt the gutting horror, the rising bile, and the brutal bruising of the soul under such an abuse. Because make no mistake, abuse of trust is abuse. When we make ourselves vulnerable to another, when we open our hearts enough to allow others to draw us along on a journey, we take a risk, allowing them to come into contact with pieces of ourselves we do not often expose in ordinary life. When we extend them that privilege - and make no mistake, it is a privilege - in a very real sense we give them access to the private laws, those intimate paths of thought and action we lay down which govern our inner lives, and we expect people to abide by them when in those spaces. True friends acknowledge those laws, and abide by them in interactions with us - even if they don’t always agree completely, in toto, because they respect us, and wish us to prosper. The recognise that these laws are the root-channels our life-force has forged throughout our existence, and they respect that which animates us - that which brings us Life and More Life. That which allows us to become More ourselves.This doesn’t mean that they should kowtow to us, but that they should act with respect towards us, and when in our orbit behave in a manner which is regarded by all parties as respectful within the context of relationship. Thus, I can have a respectful relationship with a friend even if our interactions seem naught but insulting to each other, because, contrary to what might appear to outsiders, we both know the insights arise out of love and respect.I mention respect, because many people have an inorganic ossified notion of respect, and honour and the like. They do not understand that they are both properties of betweenness - bonds between groups and individuals, gods and human, friends, siblings, parents and children etc. When those bonds, those shared agreements, implicit, or explicit, are broken ? Life, sense, meaning? They are disrupted - the flow of the world, its rhythms, its pulses, are thrown into disarray.Anger, rage - these are primal emotions, primal forces. Raw powers unleashed in some manner to grasp, to shape the world into new meanings, either by defending our integrity, or allowing us to gain a foothold in the world by overpowering things enough for us to make sense of them. In the service of Life, in the service of hope and kindness? They are holy things, but like many things, perhaps all things, they can be debased, can be twisted or turn harmful. When combined with fear, they can lead to atrocities, as we mentioned earlier.Make no mistake then, anon, but believe me when I say: You have been wronged. You have been wronged, and have every right to be angry. You have been wronged by people, not gods. But your anger at the gods is understandable. After all, it was for, and through them, that you encountered the people who abused your trust.So when you friend asked you whether you trusted the gods, I understand what they were trying to do. But the truth is, it has very little to do with the gods at all, except in a manner which I’ll come to into a moment.It is not surprising that your rage is also spilling over towards the gods, despite that sense of loss that you mention. Not surprising at all, not only for reasons you yourself mention, but also because you do not wish to be like those people who broke your trust, and what bound you to them was, seemingly, the gods. Was altars and shrines and hailing the names of Odin and Loki. To honour those gods is do as they did.So. Do not do as they did. Forgo the altars. Forgo the blots. Forgo the poisoned practice. Forgo “Anything Norse” as you put it. Those bonds are shattered. Let the anger rage, righteously.Let the fury have its head. Let it roar, let it surge, let it pulse. Let the pain of the wound sing. And know this, as you drift above the earth, senseless..The gods are. They are not their names (How can they be, when Odin has hundreds?) They are not their shrines. They are not their so-called worshippers.The gods were.A thousand years before your birth, they interacted with humans.

The gods will be.With you, or without. Long after you die, they remain. After this generation, and the next, and the next. No one raised up their names or gave them cultus, or erected altars or shrines for centuries.Yet still, they impacted upon you.Think about that, for a moment. Across all of space and time, down the centuries, down the generations, they made contact, and you forged a bond. 

Independently.Before your betrayers ever came into your life, it was You And Them.Before Nazi scumfucks were even a glimmer in Hitler’s grandparents eye, there they were.Before your betrayal, your relationship with them was good, was prosperous, yes? It served the purpose of Life, enhanced your existence, and in doing so, enhanced the existences of those around you, yes?And those arseholes took that from you. Made the forms and functions of your spiritual life into things of hate and apologism for hate.How fucking dare they?!How dare they break something holy, how dare they violate frith like that?So. Consider this: If I feel your rage, who else does? If I regard such violation as a crime, who else might?Suppose, just for a second, for a moment, that the anger, the disgust you feel at anything resembling ‘Norse’ as presented by our society right now? Suppose it’s not just yours. Suppose it’s theirs too.Suppose for a moment that those signs and symbols by which you previously navigated your relationship with The Master of Fury and the Mother of Sleipnir, are indeed poisoned for you.Suppose therefore that your anger may (or may not) be a sign from them, a desire to develop a more intimate relationship with them, beyond name and form, beyond ‘Norse’ into pure Life, existence itself. To form new bonds which cannot be contaminated by society, and in fact might lead to the destruction of poisonous ideas, via a more organic betweeness -  a vitalistic, enthusing, Life-affirming relationship of frith between all things, which by definition opposes hate?My advice anon: Allow your fury to guide you to the place where you feel whole. I suspect you’ll meet some strangely familiar folks, though their faces may be different.Be well, and know that I understand. 

#the old man #*loki #*odin #them #Anonymous

[bpdeadd]

my mums on the phone complaining about me (I walked past and she stopped talking until I went upstairs) and talking about the therapy thing to one of her friends so 🙄🙄🙄🙄 but like after that session ended I was thinking they’d all go to separate rooms n not speak to each other - I was right ofc, n I went downstairs to talk to my mum to ask her about how she thought the session went n she seemed rly annoyed about me n my sister n basically I was saying I think as a family we don’t rly communicate w each other (and we don’t its like we’re not a fucking family like we don’t even know each other, but its also that neglect towards each other) and my mum was like ‘oh but u never talk to us anyways‘ n its like but we try to and u don’t listen n then u try n start an argument, invalidate us and shut us down for everything bc everything we do feel is ‘wrong’ and I was like yh but listening is also part of it, and she was annoyed about it bc she was like ‘u act like we don’t care and don’t listen to u n I find it rly insulting’ and I'm like thinking??? but u don’t care??? u never listen??? like a month or so ago I was trying to tell u how I felt n u just basically said I was like those ppl who fake illnesses for attention n she was basically making up assumptions about me and lying to my face about how I said I wasn’t depressed n I'm like I have never said that ever in my fucking life like wtf all I go on about is me being depressed and my pd - which they don’t accept the bpd diagnosis anyways n think I'm lying about having it n I'm like yh I've been lying for 4 years everyday since my diagnosis?????????? 🙄🙄🙄 I mean I went to fucking group therapy for it and I'm on the waiting list currently for help for it (for over a year now but tbh I don’t think I'm actually gon get any help so lmao) but clearly this is all just a big fucking act but w/e

like I try to actually start a conversation, communicate in some way and its like she doesn’t wanna know, like all she can do is complain at me about shit I do or say and then makes it out like I'm a bad person for calling her out and is so in denial about herself being like that - like rather then say ‘oh I'm sorry if I've ever made u feel like we don’t listen or care, what has made u feel like that?’ but instead she gets all defensive and acts like I'm in the wrong for even thinking that, and how fucking dare I. You can fucking not call out that woman for her behaviour bc she just doesn’t give a shit, and she's not willing to look at herself and her own behaviour and be like, maybe I have done something wrong? maybe I have been treating them unfairly, and not been emotionally supportive as much as I could’ve been. (I mean she's never been supportive, or anything so lmao, she just insults me, mocks me, invalidates me constantly, if smth bad happens to me or if something upsets me its either - get over it, or somehow its my fault and stands there blaming me, like she blamed me for my friends ghosting me and abandoning me and made it out bc I am ‘intense’ that thats why they left, even tho they ignored me, left me alone all day in my friends house in Spain (while they all went out for the day - I woke up and they were all gone we had an argument before they were basically making fun of one of my online friends and I got upset about it so they all went out the next day leaving me alone in a house in another country, and when they came back it was like 11.30pm or smth //they went out at like between 8-9am or w/e, so I was alone all day// cuz I woke up later - no note left or anything, and they never spoke to me when they came back I just heard my friend say ‘is she in there’ and my other friend put her face in through the door as I was watching tv and was like ‘yeah’ and left and then they all went outside and ignored me) and they purposely left me out of things/didn’t invite me places and used to flake out of ‘meet-ups/plans’ and never answer the phone and this one friend would basically be hanging out w her bf which is fine but when we’ve planned smth and then u basically ‘disappear’ and ignore my calls and texts n I find out later u’ve chosen yr bf over me w/o even just saying ‘oh I can’t go out today I want to spend time w my bf’ or w/e - which I'd still be annoyed at but atleast I'd fucking know (she did that all the fucking time tbh - she’d just never show up or ignore my calls/texts) and then my mum makes it out like I'm the fucking bad person??? (also plus this friend told their parents about me self harming, I had her little sister (who was like 10 or 12 at the time) ask me about it and I was like ???????? wtf how’d u even know about that??) but clearly I'm the bad person here like wtf 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 

and when he therapist also during this session said ‘oh I think its rly gd that u all listen to each other and show respect towards each other’ and I'm like sat there trying to not laugh bc that is not what's going on - the only reason why no one is talking over each other is bc my dad doesn’t rly know what to say in ‘emotional’ situations so opts to stay quiet, my sister is too anxious atm (like she was breathing rly heavily during and kept leaving to go outside for abit) and if my mum says anything she fears she’ll be judged and the truth of her possibly being the cause of my sister and I being like this by the way she responds, would come out and the therapists would be like ‘ohhhh’ I mean, when I was talking about my bpd diagnosis I then looked at my mum and said ‘which I don’t think u’ve ever accepted’ and she just couldn’t even look at me and pulled a face like she wanted to say smth or snap at me for that but couldn’t in front of ‘strangers’ so she was trying to hold herself back was ripping my face off, my mum has to appear as the ‘caring’ mother, who is supportive and considerate and thinks about their kids, and doesn’t yell when they say anything about how they feel, and is awkwardly/fake affectionate towards their kids - if that doesn’t give it away that she has to appear as that in front of strangers and her friends - idk what does - bc she's the complete fucking opposite of that.

#personal// #Vent// #self harm mention tw #actually bpd #bpd tag #family therapy