#epic entrance for Az when he comes for her?

[eurosong]

Undo my ESC - 2019, SF1

Hello there, folks, and welcome to the first part of Undo my ESC, where I take a look at the field this year and, for each country, make a feasible change – as small as, for example, minor tinkerings with the staging, or as big as a different song completely winning a national final. It’s all light-hearted and just my opinion, of course. Allons-y... Cyprus: We start off completely in the deep end. I loathe “Fuego”, and this repackaged Fue2.0 is no better and is indeed perhaps worse to me given that I hate desperate attempts to catch lightning in the same jar. I also find Tamta a very unsympathetic character. I don’t know what I’d do to improve this, other than replace the internal selection with a national final with some songs actually in Greek and with local character. Montenegro: Things do not improve... but at least the solution is easier! Montenegro had a decent national final in which literally any other song would have been a better choice. I particularly liked “Nevinost”, and so did the unfortunately out-voted expert jury, so would be tempted to give D mol’s ticket to Tel Aviv to its artist, Ivana Popović, instead. I do find D mol to be sweet kids though, so the other part of me would be sad to rob them of their time in the limelight and would instead have taken the 90s throwback and bizarre random background sound elements out of their song, replaced the score with one that emphasised the traditional musical elements, and kept the lyrics in Montenegrin.

Finland: Three strikes and I am almost out. I really struggle with the new UMK format – I understand the logic behind it, just as I did when it was a thing in the UK in the early 90s, but I think it only really works if an artist has a wide-ranging repertoire. If not, then you end up with 3 samey songs that only appeal to people who like the music styles that artist makes. I’m not an EDM fan and I would have taken the relative flop of Saara Aalto last year as indication to return to a multi-artist UMK. Plenty of artists from previous years who could be worth a spot in one such.

Poland: I was disappointed by the disappearance of Poland’s national final, but I can’t say I was too surprised after a few underperforming years. I have to commend the Polish broadcasters for going for something popular within their own country, without being overly preöccupied as to how it would play outwith their borders. Pali się is one of those entries that I don’t like much but which I respect. My changes would be to remove the pointless English intro and outro, which, if one were not paying attention, one might not notice actually being in English. I’d also try to make the song a little less linear, as the song feels mostly confined to one pace.

Slovenia: Finally, we come to a country where I can change next to nothing. Many people I know were disappointed that “Kaos” was not elected as the Slovenes’ song. Whilst I found it an earworm, I really didn’t like her haughty, “I’m only in EMA to promote my new disc” attitude – and I really preferred the delectable, contemplative and intimate “Sebi.” It’s pure elegance in simplicity, and I wouldn’t need to change a thing.

Czechia: I appreciate the Czechs’ creätive way of bypassing the expenses of a traditional national final – whilst still giving fans a choice – by holding their selection online. Really cute this year was the way they tried to equalise differences in funding by making the candidates’ official video be a low-budget affair filmed in their flats. I liked quite a few songs of their selection, with the eventual winner, “Friend of a friend”, middle of my rankings. I would, of course, opt for my #1 of the NF to win instead, the delightful slice of “Bohemiana del Rey” style that was “True Colours.”

Hungary: Hungary’s A Dal has the cachet to attract a number of returning artists, so it was not surprising that, eventually, it would be won by someone who’d triumphed before – and I’m delighted it was Joci Papái, one of the biggest revelations of the Hungarian NFs for me. Yet, as is often the case with folk coming back to take a second bite of the cherry, the sophomore effort comes short of the first – “Az én apám” is lovely, touching, but lacks the bite and edge that “Origo” had. I might have JP come second and hopefully return for a second victory in 2020/1 with something a bit stronger, and send in his place the soaring but melancholic “Madár, repülj”.

Belarus: Life is too short to do some things, and whilst I try to listen to pretty much every national final song, one of the things life is too short for is intensively following the Belarusian national finals with their hundred-odd auditions. I saw a few, though, and they were a rum lot. Musically, Aura’s touching “Čaravala” was probably the best of those I heard – but was also strangely won over by the unpretentious, fun ode to tubers that was “Potato, aka Buľba” and depending on my mood, I might give it the nod either.

Serbia: Beovizija had a great lineüp yet again, and there were a number of songs I would have been happy to have gotten the win, including the eventual winner, but also those of Saška Janks, Extra Nena and Ivana Vladović. The latter’s beautiful “Moja bol”, with strings to die for, was my favourite on the night, but in retrospect, I’m not sure I’d replace the equally stunning “Kruna.” I’d be tempted to send it in its acoustic version though, where Nevena’s lovely voice stands out even better.

Belgium: Ô, Belgium. I adored “City Lights”, and so my expectations were really high. This is nice enough, but a bit beige, and doesn’t quite deliver, especially the way the enjoyably tense verses lead to an anticlimactically limp chorus. I’d change that with something that actually feels like a pay off to the verses and the Walloons would have a better shot of shining again.

Georgia: I have to say that, once again, I find myself being one of the few people I know who has some love for Georgia. Whilst it wasn’t truly my cup of tea, I appreciated and enjoyed Iriao’s song last year on some level, and the same is true of Oto’s – he has a powerful voice and it’s a strong, if rather unsettling song. I think, though, that I prefer the darkly ethereal Sevdisperi zgva, which sounds like what I imagine would result if Björk were tasked to write a Bond tune.

Australia: After a few years of rumours, Oz finally jumped on the national final train, and, credit where it is due, it was one of the most intriguing national finals of the year. It was as if SBS had decided to atone for its aggressively MOR pop picks of previous years by actually showcasing some musical diversity. Unlike a lot of folk, I don’t dislike “Zero gravity” – it has a meaningful lyrical background and some quirky charm. But there’s no question about whether I would replace it and with what. I still get chills every time I listen to “2000 and Whatever” – the sheer, irrepressible burst of positive energy and the power of its “kulila miranyi” still give me goosebumps. Damn straight one of the best song of the entire year.

Iceland: Given the amount of hype Hatari have received – and how fans flooded videos of its competitors with comments about how they shouldn’t “fuck up” by picking them instead – I may be one of the very few who would change the result there. Yet, I almost definitely would, even though I typically like lesser-heard genres at Eurovision and like the heavier, industrial musical style. And yet, I find this quite trying. It seems like a very knowing, art school student pastiche and I’m not here for their “above the contest” feel or the BDSM gimmickry. I’d be tempted to replace this with the low-key but lovely “Hvað ef ég get ekki elskað”, or to at least pare back the OTT disdainful irony.

Estonia: It feels almost like another era when I was a firm exponent of the idea of Eesti being Beesti. Three years of immense disappointments will quench that type of fire. Whilst leaving behind the stunning Spirit Animal in 2017 and opting for a generic poperatic vocal exercise in 2018 were excruciating, this might be the biggest let down yet – a land of so many talented musicians having to rely on an Avicii pastiche sang with no small difficulty by a reedy-voiced Swede. I found Eesti Laul very slim pickings this year, and found the other two frontrunners to be rather bland too – even the delightful Sandra Nurmsalu came with a tune that, whilst pleasant, sounded less nomadic epic and more toilet tissue commercial backing track. I would have gone for Kadiah’s delicate “Believe” as my pick instead.

Portugal: FdC was once again one of the best national finals, and the one for whose result I was perhaps most anxious. There were a few songs I really liked, like “Pugna”, “Mais brilhante...” and “Inércia”, but when the dust settled, there was only one song I wanted to see winning – “Telemóveis,” of course, which I was delighted to see prevail. I have some real worries about the bizarre staging distracting from the message and emotional power of the song, though. There’s so much going on, and it might be enough to push people from being entranced to being weirded out. I’d get rid of the spoons, sort out the clothes and try to make things impressive without being so extra.

Greece: I actually really like Greece this year, even if I’m still pissed off at what they did to “Don’t forget the sun” in their dubiously axed national final last year. Her voice is beautiful, the music is uplifting and anthemic, the æsthetic is curious and a bit culty, but at least memorable. The one thing I don’t like? The lyrics, which sound like a bunch of motivational Instagram quote clichés loosely knitted together. Sing something actually meaningful, preferably in Greek.

San Marino: Lord, I’m not going to start because if I do, I shan’t stop. All I’ll say is that San Marino’s “troll nation” status is wearing thin for me. Unbelievably, hundreds of talented people came out in numbers last year willing to represent them, and yet they went with a song written supposedly in 5 minutes but probably in half that. I’d have invited Sara de Blue back instead to make up for the bizarre fiasco that was last year’s 1in360. And the automatic qualifiers:

France: If France’s national delegation aren’t rethinking their voting system after this year, then they ought to be. It’s the opposite of Sweden, where the juries really have the power and the televote is scattered – all you need is a frenzied following to overturn a low jury placement. I liked a great number of Destination Eurovision’s selection this year. I would have taken pretty much ány single one of them over the snivelling, bombastic, self-aggrandising drivel that is Roi. With regards to what to send in its place, I’m torn between the powerful “Là haut”; the adorably, quintessentially French “Allez leur dire”; or the energetic, indefatigable earworm that was “On cherche encore”.

Israel: Boy howdy, Israel sure want to do their level best to avoid fluking a 1979 and winning on home ground, eh? I heard there were many big names who sent songs in, though I’m unsure if any of them would have helped to make the stormy Kobi seem more sympathetic. I think I would have opted to let Ketreyah perform for the hosts instead.

Spain: After a great national final last year, I was really disappointed with the subpar quality of the so-called eurotemazos which were anything but. Miki’s song was the best of a bad lot and at least he didn’t have the hideously negative attitude some of the other people, who seemed surprised and aghast that the winner of a contest related to Eurovision could end up performing there. I’d try to give Miki a song that matched his energy with at least a bit more lyrical depth.

Join me in some days when I evaluate what I would change with SF2!

[sarah-bae-maas]

A Court of Hearts and Darkness Chapter Twelve

It’s been over a century since the epic and bloody war against Hybern, but a new, unprecedented horror lies in wait to threaten everything the Inner Circle holds dear.

At a mere 17, it seems that the only one who can save them is the Heir to the Night Court, Feyre and Rhysand’s daughter Eleana, but as a creature so vile promises to kill everyone she loves, she must combat the urge to succumb to the darkness herself. The key to success lies hidden within her mate, the bastard born Kaden, who is as oblivious to the bond as her Court is oblivious to the war on the horizon.

With the help of her cousin and warrior Felix, the son of the famed Nesta and Cassian, they will try to save everything they hold dear, hopefully before the darkness takes them all.

Link on Ao3 Masterlist

Chapter One   Chapter Two   Chapter Three    Chapter Four    Chapter Five Chapter Six    Chapter Seven    Chapter Eight    Chapter Nine    Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven 

***

-Chapter 12-

 From not so far away, something of a different world watched two half-breeds napping on the side of a mountain. Curious, these creatures, seemingly having inherited the strengths of their races and yet the weaknesses of any young thing.

The girl was especially something to behold. It had watched her for a while. Watched her piece together the puzzle of its creations, give them the names it couldn’t pronounce in its otherworldly accent. It would be able to soon, just not while it was stuck in this skin. It had watched the girl struggle with the veilsinger – someone that must soon be destroyed. But yet, it was so entertaining to watch the two skitter around each other uncomprehendingly.  And it would not deny the male’s charms and looks had wheedled its way into its heart. He was unexpected, and made choosing a new body all that much easier.

But it would have to wait - there were many things it had to do before it took its new skin. Many things to be learnt, many things to become stronger in.

Why yes, it would have to be stronger than it had ever been if it was going to take her skin, and she refused to settle for anything less than the power of the heir.

______

 Mor had flown to Hewn City the morning after Starfall, and this time she was determined to get answers.

And she would, even if it meant that she had to leave her very muscled, very naked husband in bed while he smirked at her and gave her bed eyes and- ugh. Mor should’ve just let him taste her once more like he’d asked. Now she was just going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

But she had to focus. Her first visit to Hewn City to try and find Kaden’s mother had gone askew when they discovered a murder. Not unusual, but uncommon enough for it to draw her full attention. The second time, she had instead been somehow convinced to have lunch with her family – she lasted five minutes before breaking her father’s fingers and leaving with as much dignity as she could muster. Now, her third and hopefully final visit, she was hoping to finally find out if Kaden’s mother was in fact from the Court of Nightmares. It was probable – he was half High Fae and she doubted Azriel’s brother would bother with a bastard born outside of the Night Court. So either his mother was from Hewn City or she was from Velaris – and Mor doubted very much it was the latter. Every citizen always knew when a babe was to be born, it was such a momentous occasion!

Mor didn’t bother with her usual sultry attire as she walked into the entrance to the mountain. Instead, she wore steady leather boots and pair of dark pants and a knitted shirt. She would let nothing distract her from her main goal of searching through all the medical files they kept. She wasn’t hopeful, it was uncommon to keep a record of medical procedures, but a list of births was entirely possible. And anyway, she had to start somewhere.

She ignored any glances or looks thrown her way and made her way to the infirmary. She was met with a familiar, stiff-backed blonde fiddling with her painted nails and tried to hide her surprise at seeing Mor.

“I need your birth records,” she wasted no time with small talk or introductions, she came here to do one thing and one thing only.

“You aren’t privy to that information.” The attendant huffed.

“That was so stupid that I’m not going to even deign responding properly.” Mor snapped.

She frowned and with another huff, pointed Mor in the right direction.

Mor wondered over to the poorly labelled files. She scanned through until she found what looked like the birth records.

She immediately put back anything that wasn’t between nineteen and twenty-two years ago. Mor wanted to also check the years around his birth, lest Azriel’s estranged brother had lied about Kaden’s age.

She scanned through the papers. There wasn't much to go on, just a simple date with the child’s name and the parent’s as well. None of which would be much help in searching for Kaden’s mother.

Except,

In the year of his supposed birth there was one mention that stood out. There were four children born that year, more than expected, and one of them only mentioned the name of the mother - no father. Furthermore, the baby had since been labelled as deceased. The document claimed that the child had died during birth, but Mor would’ve known if something like that had happened. The mother’s name, Annalise, was one unfamiliar to Mor, something that also rarely happened.

She took the file away and presented it to the blonde. “Where can I find this female?” She asked.

The blonde looked down at the name and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know.” She scoffed.

Mor wasn’t in the mood to deal with stupid shit today, and held no restraint when she slapped the blonde across the face.

“Ouch!” She screamed.

“I’m not an imbecile. At some point in their lives every fae walks through these doors. Who is Annalise?”

The blonde was rubbing the spot where Mor’s hand had hit her, and winced dramatically. “I wasn’t lying. I don’t know where she is. To me it sounds like she’s one of the Forgotten.”

Mor hadn’t thought of that possibility.

The Forgotten of Hewn City, also known as the prisoners who weren’t bad enough for the underground fortress Amren escaped from.

“Why?” Mor was intrigued as to how this female came to that conclusion. If it was Kaden’s mother it wouldn’t be the most far-fetched situation a member of her family had been in, but it was still incredibly unlikely.

“Because Annalise is a Winter Court name - no one here would call their child that. And for there not to be a father listed? It probably means she had a bit too much of a good time with one of the guards and couldn’t remember which one.” She snarled.

“Well then it seems I just have to go give the catacombs a visit then.”

_____

Azriel supposed that at some point he should do something with his day. There was no point waiting for Mor to come home, she could take all day, and his brothers were too hungover to be much help. Azriel thought that today he should probably accomplish something with his time - even if he was the only person in Velaris currently able to.

The merriment of Starfall had left many incapacitated the following morning. As for Mor and Azriel, they enjoyed much more of each other than they did any alcohol. They both knew that the next day they had tasks to attend to. Mor was going to see if she could dig up anything more on Kaden’s mother, and Azriel had to do the one other thing they had both vowed to do before the end of the next month.

Today, Azriel was going to try to get Kaden to move out of that cauldron-forsaken tent, forcibly if necessary.

Is plan was somewhat… brutish? Certainly not. However, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

That’s how Azriel found himself storming over to his oblivious nephew’s tent and throwing a wooden box at him.

He sputtered as it hit his arm and turned to face Azriel with an incredulous look on his face.

“What in the Mother’s name was that?” He gawked.

“Pack your things. Now.” Azriel had to be forceful. His brother had harshly ingrained Kaden with thoughts that he wasn’t good enough and it would take a lot to break through those beliefs. Azriel knew that Felix had already asked Kaden to leave this place and come live in his home, and Az thought of it like if Rhys or Cass had done the same for him. For Kaden to reject Felix’s offer, it meant he was serious about not leaving the place he believed he belonged as a bastard. Az had nothing but fondness for Kaden and Felix, and as he often told his wife, it was just like when he and Cass and Rhys were that age.

“Why?” Kaden didn’t move.

“Because you’re leaving this shit-hole. Hurry along, I don’t have all day.”

Kaden looked completely taken aback by Az’s words. “Are you serious?” He picked up the box from where it had landed on a pile of debris but didn’t make a move to start packing.

“Yes, I'm serious. You can’t be your best if you’re living in squalor.”  

Kaden stood up, anger taking over his features. “Did Felix put you up to this?”

Azriel was surprised by the question. Not because he thought it was unreasonable, but because it wasn’t like Kaden to talk to him in this fashion. “I haven’t seen Felix since yesterday, nor does he know that I’m making you do this.”

“Well then,” Kaden tossed the box over to Azriel for him to catch, “I guess I only have to say no to one person.”

Azriel caught the box and immediately threw it back. “I wasn’t asking, Kaden. Pack your things. You can’t continue to live here.”

“No.”

“No?”

“You have no right to tell me where I can and can’t live. It is one of the very few choices I have, and I’m making it.”

“One of the few choices you have? You may not see this yet, and one day I hope you will, but this?” Azriel swept a hand over the measly tent. “This was never your choice.”

Kaden turned his back and stopped talking.

“The male I’m looking at now is just a fraction of what I know you can be. It’s one thing to be a powerful magic user and lethal on a battle field, and another thing to have inner strength.”

Kaden was so still Azriel wasn’t sure whether he was breathing or not. “With all due respect,” he finally said, “it is not your place to speak to me about these things. You aren’t my regiment leader, and you aren’t my father.”

“Kaden… I don’t mind being that sort of influence for you though. If you ever need help, or someone to talk to-”

“I’ll go to Felix.” He deadpanned.

“Why are you so upset today? Is it because we haven’t found the creature yet?”

Kaden let out a hard and loud laugh, but there was no humor in his voice. “The creature? Oh, don’t worry, I found it alright. Right after it attacked Eleana and I. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't stopped talking to me or turning up to our sessions. But it’s fine, you know? You’ve stopped talking to me, she’ll probably never speak to me again, Felix will inevitably leave once he finds something better, and I’ll be alone again! It’s so crazy too, because at some point I had convinced myself that I deserved to have people. I forgot what I was, I forgot.”

Kaden was shaking now, and Azriel knew that if the boy turned around there would be tears straining to escape his eyes.

“You said the creature attacked you and Eleana?” Azriel asked calmly. He wasn’t worried. He knew that if something terrible happened he would know by now, so the emotions weren’t coming from the attack itself, rather something that happened around that time.

“Don’t worry. We killed it.”

“Are you alright?”

At that, Kaden turned to face Azriel again, his head cocked in confusion.

“What?”

“I asked if you were alright. Did it hurt you?”

“Oh. Um, no. It didn’t.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

There was an awkward pause.

“Aren’t you going to ask about Eleana?” He said hesitantly.

“I will check on her - definitely. But right now, I’m with you, and I want to know that you are okay.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I’m just - I’m just surprised you’d ask.”

Before this year, Azriel had only ever seen Kaden once. The boy that he was then and the male that he is now are so vastly different and yet the same in so many ways.

It had been sixteen years ago. Azriel and Cassian were doing inspections of the camps in the Steppes region. It was a tedious job - not as bad as to had been before the war - but it was even worse when Azriel had to deal with his brother by blood. They were tense, very clearly trying not to rip out the throat of the other, and Kaden was a small four-year-old hiding behind Azriel’s brother’s leg, peering at him with wide eyed curiosity. The little thing was shaking like a leaf in a storm and his blonde hair nearly made Azriel laugh. What was such a bright thing doing in a place like this? Then Azriel and his brother fought, over the most meaningless thing looking back on it, and Azriel didn’t think about the child again until he saw him all these years later battered and bruised and broken.

Azriel had many regrets. One of the biggest was not whisking away that little bright boy and taking him home to his wife and family.

“Thank you, um, for asking.” Kaden continued.

The same shy boy who feared his own shadow even if he wouldn’t admit it. The different male who could take on a legion and win. The same Illyrian, who deserved love.

“Will you pack up your things now? I have a room waiting for you.” He said with as much kindness as he could muster.

“Thank you for your effort, but I must respectfully decline your offer.”

There was no breaking through to him today, not when something was going on with Laya.

“At least come have lunch with me then. If we’re lucky we can catch Felix and make him bake for us.”

A smile, hesitant and small but there all the same, graced Kaden.

_____

Please, get me out of here…

I’m innocent. I swear on the Mother, I’m innocent…

My baby. I can’t find my child…

My husband. You must tell him I love him still. Even if he fucked that whore…

What’s a thing like you doing down here pretty lady?

Don’t step into the darkness, I won’t let you go…

Mor rolled her eyes at the antics of the prisoners. Some of them were legitimately insane, and for them she felt sadness, but the others were just criminals wanting to either find a way free or do dirty things where the guards couldn’t see. What she didn’t feel was pity. Rhys and Feyre presided over the vast, vast majority of people who found themselves here, and every single one of them deserved it. Down here it was rarely a life sentence, but what was only a few years to an immortal?

Mor walked swiftly down the hallways, leaving prisoners behind in her wake. She was in a mission to find the Control Guard’s base. She had only been there a handful of times and the caverns in Hewn City changed so often it was hard to keep up.

Eventually she found the dank offices. The fae occupying it seemed bothered by her appearance but didn’t comment when she demanded to know if the birth file she found matched anyone in the cells. They were much more helpful than the blonde and quickly scrounged up what she was looking for.

Annalise had indeed been a prisoner who had given birth with an unknown father twenty years ago. This report also said that the baby had died - not relevant considering they would have sent an Illyrian child away immediately - but it also added that the woman herself was dead.

This made it significantly harder to find the truth. On one hand, it could be a coincidence that another baby was born this year without a listed father, or Kaden’s mother wasn’t from Hewn City at all. Even worse, fake names were given to some of the prisoners for a multitude of reasons, and the blonde was accurate when she said Annalise was an unlikely choice of names in Hewn City. If this woman was Kaden’s mother, then Mor wouldn't even be able to tell him her real name.

Mor wouldn’t stop. She would search and search and search until she found something to tell the young Illyrian.

______

Eleana waited for her parents to return home. She didn’t want to look for them - she wanted to put this off for as long as possible. She knew it was an unrealistic expectation, they would be home any minute, and then she would have to explain what had happened the day before.

Eleana’s body ached from the fight with the Colloden and her use of magic. It had been months since she had done anything like it, and her break in training manifested itself in muscle pain and fatigue. Napping on the side of a mountain probably didn’t help the issue either.

Eleana had already packed her things - she now had everything she would need to once again leave Velaris and move to the Illyrian camp. As much as she dreaded leaving she knew it was time to go back. Her wings were healed, and now she also had more pieces in a puzzle that only Felix could help her solve. To do that, she would need to be able to see him every day.

It was only a matter of time before her parents came laughing through the door, faces flushed and hanging onto each other. Like Eleana, they had also disappeared the night before.

“Hello,” She greeted them.

She could barely stand to be around them. If she had a different life, one where she didn't have responsibilities and people that relied on her, she would hide herself away so she didn’t have to ever face her feelings. She knew it was impractical to feel that way, but one can’t help what they feel.

“Butterfly!” Her father said enthusiastically. He marched over to give her a hug but stopped short when he saw her packed things and her expression. “What’s all this?”

Her mother joined his side and linked their arms.

“It’s my things. It’s time for me to go back to the camp.”

“What?” Feyre asked.

“I had an… encounter last night that made me realize that I need to start training again. I can’t just keep wasting away here.”

“Eleana, you aren’t wasting away! You’re recovering. There’s a huge difference.” Rhys reassured her. “What was this ‘encounter’ you had? I’m sure it can all be sorted.”

“Last night I was attacked by the creature that took me.”

Feyre gasped and Rhys rushed forward to grasp Eleana by her arms. “Are you injured? What happened? Where could this have happened? For it to come to Velaris and for no one to have seen it? By the cauldron Eleana.” He pulled her to him so that she was crushed against his chest in a hug.

She tried to move her arms to push him away but he was holding her too tightly. She felt her mother move to her other side and embrace her as well, trapping her between her two parents.

“I can’t answer you if I can’t breathe.” She choked out.

They both let her go but her father only moved back enough to cradle her face in his hands.

“Tell me everything.” He searched her face for bruises and was happy to see none.

“It doesn’t matter,” Her parents are the last people on earth that she’d tell that story to. She had barely acknowledged to herself what her and Kaden did, what her and Kaden would most definitely have done if they hadn't been interrupted. She certainly wasn't going to tell her father. Maybe her mother, but Cauldron have mercy on her if the High Lord found out.

“Eleana, it matters! Tell me.”

She pushed his hands away from her face so she could step into him instead. She had her hands wrapped around herself and tucked herself into him the way she did when she was a little girl. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his cheek on her head.

“I know,” she started and stopped. She took a deep breath and tried again. “I know that you knew it wasn't dead and didn’t tell me.”

Her father’s arms tensed around her. “How…”

“We felt it was for the best,” Her mother assured her. “We saw how bad you were, and we couldn’t risk doing anything that would make it worse.”

“I, I just… I don’t know what to say to you. I think I should just go back to the camp, find Alixia and start training again in the morning. Get my physical strength back, start reworking my flying.”

“You can start again here,” Her father urgently suggested, “with your mother and I. Who better?” He pushed her back to he could look her in the eyes again. “I’m not letting you go when you can get hurt. You’re too important, too special to me.”

“We’ll stay here, Laya.” Her mother said.

“I have to go back at some point, it may as well be now. I'm ready.” She asserted.

Her parents shared a look. “We thought maybe you’d like to stay.” Her mother said gently.

“I do. Velaris is my home, and it always will be, but it’s not what I need right now. When I’ve finished my training I’ll return home.”

“Eleana, that’s not what we meant. We meant not go back at all.”

Eleana was shocked by her father’s confession.

Stay in Velaris? Where she would be with the fae, where her magic wouldn’t be as marveled and more accepted, where she could walk the rainbow every night and live with both her parents and be in the same city as the majority of her family. Where she could fly over the sea and swim to her heart’s content and never have a single worry.

Stay in Velaris? Where she would never see the male she loved nor the cousin she held so very dear. Where she would likely become complacent, would wear dresses instead of leathers, would never attend a wedding with her mate.

To stay in Velaris meant leaving Kaden, and as angry as she might be with him right now she knew she could never do that. She was too far gone, in too deep. Felix would also be left alone - not a single family member there to protect him and care for him. Knowing what she did about Cassian and Nesta, Eleana could never possibly leave her best friend to his lonesome.

“I can’t.” She whispered.

“Why?”

“Because I have a whole life that I can’t just turn my back on at a moment’s notice.”

After a long discussion with her parents, they begrudgingly agreed with her. Her mother was upset, and Eleana knew it was a combination of her getting attacked again and he prospect of Feyre having to leave the love of her life.

Eleana gave them space to say goodbye to each other - it was a moment so private not even as their daughter did she feel entitled to watch it. Instead, she winnowed to the next person on her List of People to Talk to About the Attack.

It was crazy to think it was only the day before that she had done the same thing. Her night was going so wondrously before the Colloden found them. She hated to think of what it would have been like if they had never been attacked. How she probably would’ve taken Kaden home, and made him moan so hard the walls shook. She would’ve loved him, every single inch of his body, and he would’ve made her feel alight inside.

She winnowed to her house in the camp, the window still broken, and made the walk to Kaden’s tent and the notes in her jacket pocket that Tarquin gave her rustled with every step. She had only been there once before. She’d had no idea where it really was, so she closed her eyes like she did when she wanted to relax on her way home, but instead of thinking of home or clearing her mind she pictured him and just walked. When she opened her eyes, she could see him only metres away lost in his own mind.

She didn’t need to do that now, she’d never forgot the scrap he lived under, and made her way there. She practiced in her mind what she was going to say to him, again and again so hopefully when she did her voice wouldn’t shake like her hands were now.

When she got there, he was nowhere to be seen. She decided she would just wait for him to come back. She was just going to sit in his tent, but as she came closer she saw that although he wasn’t there a weird box was. Upon closer inspection, she saw that it was the same box people would use if they were moving somewhere. Hell, she had one just like it full of her possessions that she’d just left at the house.

Oh no. No no no no no.

There was no way he would leave. Was there? Not without telling her, not because of last night.

Her breathing became heavy at the thought, and she shot up into the air without a second passing. Felix would be home by now. Felix would know of Kaden was planning on going somewhere.

She flew as fast as she could, quietly reveling in the feeling even though she was still worried about Kaden.

She landed at Felix’s door and burst in. “Felix!” She shouted as she slammed into his house.

She was met with the confused gaze of not just Felix but also Azriel and Kaden. They were all in the kitchen cleaning up after a meal and Eleana found profound relief at the sight of her mate.

“Laya? What’s wrong?” Felix put down his dishtowel, he must be on drying duty, and walked over to her.

“Nothing,” she coughed. “Just, uh, yeah. I’m good. You?” She also felt mildly stupid at having been so worried when she literally found only a box. It’s just that the thought of him leaving scared the shit out of her. She could’ve stayed in Velaris, her true home, but didn’t want to largely because of him. If he wouldn’t do the same thing… it would hurt. A lot. How many times can she be rejected by him?

“I’m good…” He said slowly. “Would you like to join us?” He asked.

“Sure.” She put a fake smile on her face and looked at anywhere but Kaden. From the glimpse of expression she saw when she barged in he seemed worried to see her. It was a mutual feeling. Now that her anxiety had left because she saw he was still here, her mind wandered back to the feelings of betrayal she held.

She’d since realized though that she had no right to be mad at him for not telling her. How could she be when she was keeping a much bigger secret? There were two. Two things that she wasn’t going to tell him.

One, that he was her mate.

Two, that she was hopelessly in love with him.

Why? Because she knew what he was like. It didn’t matter that they’d kissed and where his hands roamed - it hadn’t been the first time he’d touched her with affection. It wasn’t even the first time he let her skim her hands over his sensitive wings. The reality was that at any moment he could distance himself again. He wasn’t ready for a mate, and he wasn’t ready for her to love him.

She sat down and let the three males silently work away at the dishes in the kitchen. The silence was extremely awkward and she wasn’t going to be the one to break it. She was trying to distract herself by twiddling her thumbs when Mor burst through the door with a sour look on her face.

She ignored everyone except Azriel, who she shook her head at and walked until she was in his arms.

Az whispered something in her ear, and she nodded. Felix was right next to them and acted like they were crazy. “Hey Mor, it’s lovely to see you. Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for asking. Love you too.” He rolled his eyes and skirted around them.

Eleana couldn’t help but look at them in envy. She looked at most relationships like that nowadays. She has to see her disgustingly in love parents everyday – Mor and Az are just rubbing it in at this point.

“Hello Poppets.” Mor finally addressed the rest of the people in the room even though she was still leaning heavily on Azriel’s chest.

“Hello Mor.” Kaden and Eleana murmured back.  

“I hate to cut our visit short, but Az and I need to attend to something. It was lovely seeing you. And, of course, especially you Felix.” She detached herself from her husband and gave them all quick pecks on the cheek. Felix and Eleana returned them but Kaden just sputtered and blushed.

They winnowed away to Mother knows where and left the three fae-Illyrians to their own devices.

“So.” Felix said way too perkily for it to be real.

“I brought the notes Tarquin gave me, I thought we could go over them. See if we can find out what it was.” Eleana suggested.

“Excellent idea my young cousin. We shall start right on that. I just need to have a quick word with someone and we’ll begin.” Felix clapped his hands and gestured for Kaden and Eleana to take a seat in the longue room while he proceeded to the door.

“Who do you need to talk to?”

Felix was an asshole. A sphincter of existence. Eleana could see exactly what he was doing – he was leaving her alone to talk to Kaden.

He winked at her and pulled the door open. “I had some business to clear up with my father. Now that the cat’s out of the bag about the Colloden I’m going to organize for Quathryn to visit. See you soon.” He waved and left.

Honestly, he’s such a dick sometimes.

Eleana and Kaden were left in utter silence – him averting his gaze to anywhere but her.

“Hello,” She finally said.

“Hello,” He returned.

She was sitting on the infamous couch and he was across from her over the coffee table on the armchair.

A minute of quiet.

“Are you going to say anything?” She whispered - he well and truly heard her though.

“I don’t know what to say. There’s too many things.”

“Yesterday you begged me to let you explain.”

“I know, and there are so many things I want to tell you, Eleana, but I don’t know how. Or where to start.”

“Why don’t you start by telling me how everyone knew it wasn’t dead. I saw you kill it.”

“Your father and Azriel went back for its body only to find that it had disappeared. One might think that you simply weren’t able to see it, but there were marks to suggest that it had left sometime after us. A council was called, I know this from Azriel, and it was decided that you weren’t to be informed that it was still alive. Or anyone else, for that matter. Your Aunt Nesta and Uncle Cassian were designated to try and find out what the creature was and its origins, and Azriel was given the task of finding it. He wanted my help, thought I might be able to find it because I’m a veilsinger.”

“So did he really train you at all?”

“He did. I learned as I went. When I wrote to you, I didn’t lie. I was truthful about what Azriel and I were doing, though I didn’t mention the how and when.”

“And not once did you think to tell me the what was really going on?”

He looked pained by her question. He stood up and stepped right over the table with his long legs so he could sit next to her. “Every day. Every damn day. It was hard not to - I was always thinking about you or writing to you or thinking about what I could say that might make you laugh.”

“Well you did – make me laugh, that is. Mor teased me about it all the time.” She smiled.

“I would throttle myself in training so that it went quicker and I could fly to see if another letter had arrived. You think your Aunt Mor teased you, but cauldron save me Felix was a menace.”

“Don’t take it personally, he’s always felt the need to insert himself in people’s personal lives. It’s endearing until it becomes annoying.”

“I was under strict order not to tell you, Eleana. I wanted Azriel t0 - I wanted to be his - Mother, I don’t know what I’m saying, but either way I was too scared to defy him.”

“And about yesterday.” She looked him in his black eyes. “I don’t regret anything.” She said softly.

She reached out to hold his hands but he pulled back. It was subtle, a movement so non-descript that she wouldn’t have noticed if she wasn’t so tuned into his movements.

“Eleana… Last night I was lonely and morose. I apologize for my actions. I, we, shouldn’t have done that.”

She knew it. She fucking knew it. It was just like when they had danced at the bonfire, and whenever she tried to touch him on a bad day.

“Please forgive me, Eleana. I know I’ve given you the wrong impression too many times to count, but you’re one of my best friends. I can’t lose you. That is, if you’ll have me after taking advantage of you.”

Eleana stood up abruptly and pulled the notes out from her jacket. She started spreading them around the table while talking to him. “Don’t be an idiot, you didn’t take advantage of me. No one ever has, and no one will. I was raised too well to expect anything but perfect.”

“Good. That’s excellent.” He stood to help her but she pushed him back with her hands on his chest.

“Why?” She demanded. “Are you saying that if any female had come to you that night you would’ve done the same things to her that you did to me? Please, explain what’s so wrong about me.”

Her fists were balled at her side and she huffed in annoyance.

“It’s not about you at all, Eleana. It’s me, I swear.”

Eleana shouldn’t have brought it up – she didn’t want to know why he mate didn’t want her.

“Let’s just stop talking about it,” She turned away from him.

“No, Eleana. This is important.” He rested his hand on her shoulder. “Maybe if you weren’t the heir, and I wasn’t a bastard who’s never even met his mother. I won’t, I can’t deny what I feel for you, and I will protect you from it at all costs. There are no disadvantages for me when it comes to being with you. But you? You’ll be ridiculed, looked down on, disregarded, just because I am the one sharing your bed. You are too important to me to let that happen. I refuse to ever have people look at you and treat you the way they do me. You have so many things to offer this world. This thing with the stories? Genius – neither me or Felix would have ever thought about it and we’ve read that book a million times between us. You are smart, and kind, and beautiful, and also really weird.” He laughed lightly.  “I wouldn’t change a thing about you. That is why we can’t do this, Eleana.”

She felt defeated by his words. “But you’ll be my friend? Even if it’s not enough for us?”

“Until my dying day. And anything with you is enough.”

“Okay.”

____

It watched them bicker. Even through the forest and walls and all other barriers it could feel their bond pulsing through the air. It wanted the heir, it wanted that power, and it didn’t know how long it could wait.

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acohad #feysand #moriel #nessian #fanfiction