#feeling maudlin in this chili’s tonight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cellard0ors · 1 year

Text

Just a little inside look on my writing/thought process in regards to The Full Deck Series (The Cards We Are Dealt/The Hand That I Hold) in regards to Constance and Travis (tw: abuse)

The latest chapter of Hand and re-reading a bit of Cards reminded me of why I approach Constance and Travis's relationship the way I do.

I've written other fics with similar family dynamics, going off what I know - my own family. There's good and there's bad and I'm going into that hard here with these two, in a way.

While I never exactly suffered physical abuse (only the one off here or there), my older sister and I share a very checkered history. She's basically VERY much how I approach Constance.

I imagine someone who has, maybe even STILL has, a preconceived notion of what a family member should be like and the constant disappointment they face in not getting whatever it is they picture.

In reverse, Travis wants to please his Ma, that person, even though they know - logically - that that is impossible and not something that should be asked of them.

That the family member who wants these things really doesn't deserve them via their actions/words/etc, yet that wanting is there.

I think it would be too easy to make it all black and white - Constance is bad, Travis is abused, so on.

It's more nuanced than that. It is TOTALLY possible to have good times/memories with someone in your family who, nine times out of ten, treats you poorly.

And it's understandable for you to long for those one out of the ten moments, because you see the potential there. You could be close, you could be the family each other wants, you could.

But, in the end, you won't be.

Mainly because neither of you is going to change.

Neither of you is going to become the ideal the other envisions.

My point being that I really enjoyed writing Travis's birthday in the recent chapter of Hand, when Constance was nice to him.

And in Cards in Chapter 13, I have him mention how sometimes he and his mother got along, watched movies they liked together, so on.

Because I think it's important to recognize that not all complicated family relationships are just out and out toxic or wildly abusive. Some are more subversive...go in sneakily for the throat...

...in conclusion, sometimes you write from what you know and while it might not fix anything or offer any real healing, I guess it's cathartic in its own way.

#the quarry #hackearney #travis x laura #tw: abuse #feeling all maudlin in the chili's tonight

11 notes · View notes

t-underneaththeradardancing · 5 years

Text

fuck - idk how - well to do lots of things - and we do know tech hate t - thats not quite on point or en garde either - but tonights post performance post mortem - paint it black

the good - tree climbing leaf and dirt hair - once unconfused t can plaze guitar - lox and bagel - some made up on the spot music - some magic - lots of love - love aint always enuff - uh chili dogs and fries - vitas voice - liam showing and again doing the hard but right thing/s

the bad chili dog hair t gets confused sometimes ez tho we find workarounds - its not cheating to tell him the key and a couple chords specially if u usin a capo on a song he never herd - just sayin

the ugly uh duz blood and pain count im ok shame the people and soul less beings who cause/d the feelings of shame ketchup hair

we end up laffing way too much - thing is - today started fucked up and pretty much stayed on track - u know its been uh different since the biz - and yah there still is one - its changing gonna change more prob - maybe not better just different

we cries a lot also

we heal then

well when u wear ur heart on ur sleeve and ur food in ur hair

a step back may be in order

me i prefer to wear my food on my clothes - it stains better - hair is ez to wash

did i mention i lissened to crywolf angels ep like 3 or 4 x yesterday and some el vy - theres maybe half a dozen ppl readin who will unnastand - if i mention sad bastards duz it help - no - well just move along then it dont matter much

( translation - t is being maudlin again cuz he depressed and future trips heartache and rejection - no not a romance - tho the looks - nevermind )

so y is ketchup hair ugly - its a condiment - now we know that dirt is an excellent conditioner - ask any potato u happen to - i have gazed more than a few x at the moon - this eve tonight - i wuz gonna say that life had gotten 2 surreal then forgot when it even more happen - and not the good kind of surreal either - another luxury problem the wrong kind of surreal - did u get it a amazon or ikea and yah - that splains it manstyle - if u cant laff about ketchup hair - i mean wtf

ok t - u so fukken cryptic and in group mindfuck - can u bottom line it or readers digest condensed milk - damn it - its contagious - ( another editor quits )

it started a little fucked up - was sposed to meet for acupuncture b4 java - things ran late - acu close early on weekends earlier than i thot so no - vita been going thru lots of hard uh lifestuff - it manifests and affects - we both been uh stressed at best - self destructive on various levels at worst w a little delusional thinking inna mix moi at least - we feel deeply and connect and empath sometimes for an instant completely - its not always pleasant cuz we human - despite everything going on - we go to do wat we do - play music w transcendence aim for attained rarely for more than glimpse but sometimes - magic - we trance in and out and different levels and different reality layers conflict - and too much too soon specially w a broken heart ( no not me - my heart is good - well yah the heart attack thing but we talkin soul heart ) and some ugly inna mix but not aimed at and self directed - we at our different homes safe or mostly - hope so - its late now unless u a musician or a barfly and last call wuz a few minutes ago even at the hardcore - there is love in my heart - a bit of dread - hope a smidgen maybe an ember that i fan boy - oh yah - we played - some barely ok - some goodish - a few really good moments - hearts not completely but then in it - a baddish incident - then we play a couple more songs like something proving not a victory lap not at all sir - prolly vita and i and i last performance in a while - slight chance madrone tomorrow but not prolly and im exhausted but maybe - we get together maybe 2 x this week if we lucky - she has a last jazz concert i think sat - imma meet her mom who tuff as nails north korean born and raised - really - that will b uh - interesting t interesting and a pleasure - maybe ask vita her name and practice - nah - she might as well meet the awkward fucktard albeit a well behaved version - but i will do wat i always - apologize in advance and assure by the 3rd time i will at least b very close lol prolly not socialize much after - it would b nice if she likes me but tbh expecting disapproval - extreme wariness at least - i would if i was her - then off to college - imma wait till she settle in maybe has a friend - dont want ppls 1st impressions of her to b w a weird af and old as guitar playing friend - at some point we b recording maybe podcast of some healing writing she been doing w music cuz low key but an ep - or album - theres enough good songs and we fuck around w a few more half maybe mostly written inna works

its after 2 am exhausted not sleepy wired cuz its been that kinda day - sorry but not for the cryptic - things happen not to b ashamed of - we played music and performed as well - real as fuck if nothing else - it could b a month or more before we perform again together - there is still a biz - how much vita will b able to contribute uncertain - sometimes fucked up things happen - nobodys fawlty towers no guilty party

love

#poetry i guess #post performance post mortem #feel free to skip parts or all

18 notes · View notes