#for legal purposes this is a joke 🙏🏾

[thevampirearchive]

Twilight Sex Ed — How Renaissance’s origin should have been & Why

By Dr. Juju MD (me) with a PHD in Twilight & Vampirism

Firstly, I would like to preface this medical journal by saying this theory is not new nor mine originally (at least not within this reality. I have faith that the other versions of me have had the sense to think of this & much more beyond this version of me’s capabilities)

Now, let us start; The idea that ancient Edward Anthony Masen Cullen has never had sex, this harboring this single spermcell like a prisoner in his frozen junk is absolutely absurd. It is know by all that vampires have 3 core behavioral instincts!

The first is the Constant hunger, as the thirst for blood never qualms (what would the fun be in that? You want controlled immortality? Never!) secondly, the chaotic behavior — which varies depending on author & vampire type (classic vampire, ancient, hybrid, white, newly spawned etc) an example that seem befitting my point; pretending to be teenagers for years in hopes of fooling stupid humans into thinking you’re not an ancient vampire trying to get a few more years out of a tiny town where no fart goes ungossipped about. And lastly, whore behavior. All vampires are whores, even when they are not — they are. So, to think that Edward has gone this long without ever getting this ice cawk (penis) wet, is not only a mockery of vampires everywhere but a mockery of the readers intelligence. This means the single sperm is either clutching for deer life or something else is at play. I vote for the latter!

Instead of a single cell fighting for its life till it found Miss Bella Swan Cullen, think of it like this; Due to derange bloodthirst, vampires rarely try to sleep with humans — unless they are into some sick necrophilia, as the focal would go from hornyness to hunger very fast, not much documentation or experimented have occurred. So, if Bella (young fertil human woman) sleeps with Edward (young freezing whore vampire) & no protection is worn — would it not make sense that sperm would do what sperm does? We are already stretching the fabrics of reality, so please hang in there. Yes, Edward is dead — but the idea of hybrids have never been denied within the Saga nor many vampire lore — there is no need too, as I said, vampires don’t spend much time tossing sheets with humans. But if it did happen, I theorize that a child would be the result. A child who is half vampire, thus a child who would need blood to survive. Instead of killing it, Bella decided to keep her spawn (Mormonism won, because in my reality Bella would have been at the vampire Clinique seconds after throwing up #TeamFuckthemKids) They fed her with blood, keeping the baby away from her own supply of natural blood. This baby grew untill there was not much space or strength left in Miss Bella. Human children take longer to make, but this is not a regular case — with a bigger & thirstier child, giving birth is a must, but seeing that the baby drains Bella by the second (again, unquenchable thirst) she is unable to even stand let alone birth. This results in her death (RIP) but before she is lost to the world, the turning process begins. Renaissance survives, because she is done growing — she was possibly done growing after a few hours & if left longer I think Bella would have birthed her age mate. Bella is turned by the vampire fluids, a complex but plausible process. The mingling bodily fluids did not only ensure the baby was always going to survive, but the mother was too. And there we have it — plausible vampire hybrid bearing!

Now, to an important part to all of this; This could technically work with any human & vampire, as long as the human was the child bearer. A baby cannot grow in a vampire womb as it is too cold & there is no nourishment (aka they can’t eat their mom) so, technically if Rosalie was truly the bad shit crazy girl we know she could be, she would have stopped become #2 mom to CGI, and found herself a look-alike, had Emmett do his thing & made sure the human womb got as far (or even further) as possible before getting her own child. This would though require she kills the human after the turn (if transformation is completed) — which I fo not think would pose a problem. This is could be huge, and the fact that there was a whole medical Vampire in the household yet no solid plausible conclusion was drawn is Mormonism to blame (derogatory).

Now, this could give us more books — Rosalie short stories, maybe Esme want’s her own mini babies too & I am sure Aro would not rest till he had an army. Is this a very dark turn for the Saga? Yes, but I am also a horror fan & this is my post, so *shrug*.

Lastly, the imprinting should have not went down how it did. Jacob should have been madly obsessed with Edward (he was, but more so how he was with Bella) & THEN nicknamed their daughter after the Lochness monster. And no kissing of the newly born rapidly growing hybrid CGI baby! strictly big brother protector & little sister cute wholesome content (a sick woman she is, sigh)

In conclusion, the idea of a vampire pregnancy — despite teen YA pregnancy being nothing but misery for all parties involved except the author, it could have been a very interesting turn of event with much more to offer. But how would the patriarchy have won yet again?

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. If you are confused, no you are not. I believe in you & that beautiful big brain of yourse! Stay safe, red twilight & re-write whatever you deem emotionally damaging to know peace! Goodbye

Xoxo, Dr Juju MD

#upload #thoughts #mine #theory #vampire #vampireism #twilight #twilight theory #for legal purposes this is a joke 🙏🏾