#gender adventures with neednoggle

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

realising you're trans is like realising you've been driving in a clown car all your life and infinite clowns of misery and uncomfortableness and dysphoria have been squished into what looks like a completely normal car and once they start coming out they don't stop

#me rereading a vent fic about chest dysphoria i started in 2021 #the same me who didin't accept i had chest dysphoria til this year 💀 #'oh yeah that was just a phase' no bestie you repressed it to hell #and once again i WAS trans in 2021 i was nonbinary i was just also blocking EVERYTHING out #mine #gender adventures with neednoggle #i need to be nicer to myself ive only properly known for coming up to 4 months #vs 21 years of not knowing #im doing ok #i think im still enby now as well #jus in different way #some of it is hilarious anyway #i mean how much transmasc fic can i both read and write over several years #feeling incredibly comforted by and connected to #in a way nonbinary fic did not make me feel #and not have something click? #just feeling like a bad enby™ #yeah all my transmasc fic? none of it was written with a jot of self awareness except half my bill and frank one #honeslty i think they were what tipped the scale 🤣 #ok enough outing myself for today lmao

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

how does one like. get a binder

#like ik how #im priveleged enough to be able to buy one #ik ehic5h company id go with #but its like im waiting for permission #which no one can really give me #like i could wait til im registered back with the doctor's but even if i was brave enough to bring it up they'd either say just don't #or your asthma is completely fine like they always do #like im the best placed to gauge if my lungs can handle wearing one #really i want someone to come along and say it'll help you're allowed this it wont be a waste of money #and you won't have to share with your parents the specifics of your dysphoria #when i could barely come out without apologizing for it even tho they were ok with it #if it were anyone else i cannot emphasize how behind them id be but when its myself im just stuck going in circles #im gon try and call sib at lunchtime and order it then bc yesterday was really not pleasant #a properly fitted binder can't be much more uncomfortable than a too small sports bra surely #and im already good at taking breaks w that so #we'll see ig #mine #gender adventures with neednoggle #not to complain abt being a skinny person w a big chest when society is obsessed w skinny ppl w big chests #but JFC

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

half 11 at night gender hits different

#i have been having. a weird fucking time #lile everything i thought i knew about myself is a lie kind of weird #like ive been keeping a whole tidal wave back #keeping it ina. box i didnt even know was there most of the time #everytime it tried to get out i shoved it back in so automatically i mostly didnt realise i was doing it #bc man is it uncomfortable #but i am only left with emptiness and disconnect #and everytime i shoved it back in the box got smaller and it was harder to shove back in #and here we are now #and its baffling and it doesnt make any sense but its the only thing that feels like it makes sense and it feels right to step towards it #but im not shoving it in the box again #i could life would be much simpler if i did but id carry on watching the girl in the mirror who's never been real live it instead #and i think sooner or later the box would fucking shatter anyway #WHOO #anywayyy thats enough hyperpersonal life updating for tonight 🤣 #it's a very confusing time but also exciting and I've never been more hopeful that this might actually be it #im not ready to say what i think i am yet i can barely say it to myself in plain words but I'll get there 💜 #mine #gender adventures with neednoggle #maybe delete later

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

realising ur trans is so stupid bc before yes it felt like life was just always gonna suck no matter what I did and I was doomed to low-mid grade misery with occasional high grade sprinkled in forever and all I could do was not dwell on it as much as possible but now I know what's probably causing it and that there's a way forward I actually have to do something about it and I don't know where to starttt

#dont mind me venting #its fuckin weird bc ive known since college but i haven't?? #like i was all its fine if everyone irl still calls me she and a girl and daughter and most organisations i interact with still deadname me #spoiler alert it was not fine #but i just shoved it all down so far and was like wow i have no body dysphoria #even though i quite clearly did #and haha im glad i don't need to engage with anything medical #and now im pretty surei di and im scared #the last three months have been a revelation lemme tell u 😅 #and through all of it im working with feelings that disappear if i look straight at them #bc im so used to supressing them im having to actively work to feel them #but i just know i cant ignore them i can't carry on as i am its downright irresponsible when there's a chance i could be happy #and it would just cone back up even if i shoved it back down #im just #im tired man and its overwhelming #anywayyy dont mind me its all good really 👍👍 #i told my mum thats something right #mine #gender adventures with neednoggle #vent tw #ignore me #imma get up and go for a walk that'll help #i worry im acting like being nonbinary without dysphoria isn't being trans #it absolutely IS #it's just not who i was or am and so it feels like i wasn't properly out to myself #and am only now properly realising i am trans? #like before it was just another hollow identity ig #but it was still just as trans and it is for anyone else too #p sure im still nonbinary just over masc side #but at not that masculine lmao