#gender talk time 🤪✌️

[polaraffect]

venting in the tags yippeee

#damien.txt #gender talk time 🤪✌️ #.................................................................................... #screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan #uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that #soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated? #as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns #neither do i she/her. or they/them. #and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here #and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways #i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all. #but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me #as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc #and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait. #and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it #and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever #bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is. #and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like #hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow? #like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even. #and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it #is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too. #and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all. #but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it #and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck. #and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that #and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck #and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol #AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor #lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️

[leviathan-says-hi]

Tagged ask-meme/about...thing

Tagged by @goodboysatan

(Oh wow, I'm uh, honoured you're asking about me but be prepared for disappointment, I'm as dull as they come! Also very rambly as you will see. Whoops 😅)

Rules: Tag 10 followers you want to get to know better (I cheated here, sorry!)

Star sign: Pisces 🐟

Gender: I'm a guy ✌️

Height: Uhhh...some awkward middle ground between 5'7 and 5'8 I think? (173-176 ish cm)

Sexuality: *wibbly wobbly hand gestures*

(Real talk I don't go out often enough or speak to enough people to know who I'm attracted to lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyone who's nice I guess)

What image do you have as a wallpaper?:

Lockscreen:

Wallpaper:

(Was Cardinal Copia for months but I recently saw a production of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night and remembered my love for Mark Rylance as the Countess Olivia. Yes, I'm aware it's a very niche interest 😅)

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: Oh man. I'm currently working on my biomed degree and looking to specialise in Evolutionary Psychology and neuroscience, so the ultimate dream would probably be to get my PhD. On a smaller (and probably more attainable 😂) scale, a small flat filled with bean bags, cacti and pots of pens sounds like heaven. Hopefully there's a dog or two in my future as well. (Finally finishing this book I'm trying to illustrate wouldn't hurt either! 🤪)

If you could be anywhere else right now, where?: Walking through a forest in a pouring thunderstorm wearing a big ol' jumper 😊

What was your coolest Halloween costume?: "Coolest" is...debatable, but my favourite was when I was the vampire teddy from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Pointy wig, lots of face paint and a cape I already owned and wore on a regular basis (yeah, I was THAT kid). I was maybe 10 or 11 and made it myself, so you can probably guess what the quality was like 😂

What’s your favorite 90s show?: Mhh...I actually don't really watch TV, just the same 2 or 3 series on repeat because I have the dvd 😅 I guess X-Files / Will and Grace? They're the ones I return to the most I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last kiss: Mhh, probably the last time I was in a relationship, say 6/7 years ago? Unless we're also counting dog kisses in which case just now! He's a good boy 🖤

Have you ever been stood up?: I don't think so? I've had friends bail on plans but that's about it. I honestly don't socialise enough for this to happen to me :P

Have you ever been to Vegas?: Never even been to America!

Favorite pair of shoes: Either a pair of (falling apart) black and white baseball boots or my black hiking boots that look like they've been through the apocalypse 😂

Favorite fruit: I'm a terrible human and don't eat nearly as much fruit as I should, but blue raspberry is my favourite flavour of anything so??? I guess raspberries??? Maybe??? Idk pomegranate seeds are fun too and I'll literally have cucumber with anything (botanically speaking it's TECHNICALLY a fruit so I'm cheating and counting it as one so I don't get shamed for being so unhealthy 😂)

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done: Probably snorting hammer beads as a kid (think they're called perler beads in other places? Those tiny plastic things you melt together with an iron?) and having to induce a nosebleed to get them out...while my parents had company over and I had locked myself in the bathroom pretending everything was fine. I don't even remember why I did it 😂

Favorite book: Ok so my attention span sucks and I don't read nearly as much as I used to, but I still have some old favourites:

° "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame" by Victor Hugo (The book, the musical, the Broadway show, it's all good 👌👌👌)

° "Roadside Picnic" by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky (ye olde Russian sci-fi. Still good today)

° "The Picture Of Dorian Grey" by Oscar Wilde (selling your soul for eternal beauty? Relatable. Fun fact, for an assignment at 15 I basically wrote fanfiction of this. Got an A 😂)

° "Death Note Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases" by Nisio Isin (ok make fun of me for this all you want, but I read it over a decade ago and it still brings me joy to this day so it's on the list 👍)

° "Rapture" by John Shirley (The Bioshock prequel. I'm a sucker for this game)

° "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" by H. P Lovecraft (Spoopy fish people are the best kind of people)

° Technically a play but "Twelfth Night" by William Shakespeare brings me so much joy I can't even explain it (hence the above wallpaper 🖤)

Favorite GIF:

(Tag people): Ok, so I'm majorly cheating here and just tagged a bunch (meaning way too many 😂) of the lovely people always see in my notes but I'm too shy to @ - Feel free to ignore this and instead take it as a thanks for always making my day a little better 🖤

@piermet

@lanottedellastrega

@lunagoths-ghost-obsession

@brotherofsin

@cardicishot

@papa-uhhmeritus

@haunted-kazoo

@cantuseeme

@pinkiepiebones

@surviving-sulfur

@corpsesandcoffee

@michelef68

@jackieboywynand

@omg3seitaikenjidai3

@witchimage

@deep-aural-fixation

@fahrenflame

#ask meme #personal #sorry for rambling! i know it's going to be super annoying scrolling past all this #especially on mobile...oh god