#gettingsickinamerica

[dearryker-loves]

I pledge Allegiance to The New American Dream

T.W : Mentions of sexual abuse, gun violence, lack of bodily autonomy/abortion rights &racism 

When you are the sole 

Survivor of a train wreck 

It is not uncommon to feel 

The immense guilt of 

Being spared.

Always 

Wondering why it was 

You,

And not anyone else.

With each  passing second 

Wishing there was someway. 

Anyway.

To bring the other’s back.

As you sit back 

And watch the devastating impacts.

Is that what this feeling is?

Because 

I have been watching 

This train 

Slowly crash

Since I stood 

Three feet and nine inches tall.

Not a care in the world.

Young, wild and free. 

As

I held his hand.

And I have never been able 

To understand 

If it was my fault...

Or his.

                                       The train. 

                Screeching.  Grinding metal.  Deafening.

We went from 

Holding hands,

To his lap,

To his bed.

To my body.

Before I learned how to properly communicate,

I learned that I was not safe,

When a man from the house next door

Grabbed my waist 

And told me wanted to 

“F**k” me.

As he proceeded

To take my clothes off.

Feasting eyes.

Wandering hands.

Lustful sweat dripping down 

His forehead.

I’ll never forget the 

First time 

I saw true rage 

In my mother’s eyes.

When she learned that 

Her now twenty three year old 

Knew what the word 

F**k meant

At just five years old.

And then she learned 

Where I first heard it.

I was never allowed 

To wear shorts back then.

Only dresses and skirts.

Maybe that man next door simply 

Thought 

I WAS JUST ASKING FOR IT.

Now I only wear 

Jean shorts and cargo pants 

And I always wear a 

Belt to make it harder

For them to be so easily 

Stripped away from my body.

Never again.

Once I first said 

What had happened 

Out loud 

I started taking classes 

To learn 

How to protect Myself.

                           This train was well on it’s way to ruin.

Tiny hazel eyes...

Watching 

Death Live.

My parents kept 

Crying and hugging 

Me that day.

Apologizing profusely

For having never known 

And for failing to keep me safe

From only 300 feet away.

I met death face to face

Before I knew it’s name.

At age twelve 

I finally learned

To close my eyes 

Pitching them 

Shut

                                   As this train started 

                            Striking. Shaking. Breaking.

                                      Breath taking.

You can’t think 

About it really

Or it will tear you to shreds.

Each time 

They talk about more 

People dead and 

Their bodily autonomy 

Stolen

From men who use their power to

Use and Abuse.

They come into 

Our villages,

Our towns,

Our cities,

Our neighborhoods,

Our streets,

Our homes, 

Our lives.

Until they are close enough

To think they can 

Penetrate our sacred bodies

And 

Shoot down our life’s 

Greatest potential. 

All without any accountability or repercussions.

Coming to America

                                 I pledged allegiance to a flag

Knowing full well 

That politicians

Will choose to protect 

The second amendment 

Before they choose to

Protect little 

Smiley faced innocent kids 

Like me.

                                      The train derailing.

I can’t even open 

Any of my social media 

Without crying .

I stopped trying.

What’s the use 

Fighting?

Why didn’t someone... 

Anyone...

Stop Him?

He just kept lying.

No 

Means 

No 

But maybe he hadn’t 

Learned what it meant 

Before he learned 

He could lure the cute 

Blonde haired kid

Into his retched compound.

And now I say 

                               One Nation Under God 

Damn. 

They really do take that part seriously

And Not 

For manifest destiny.

As much as controlling 

Women, 

LGBTQ+ people, 

And Children’s 

Autonomy.

Corpses

Have more control 

Over their Bodies 

Than me.

Why am I crying?

I got to move to the 

Greatest Nation In The World.

A Global Superpower.

A f*cking Freedom machine.

Fighting more wars against 

More enemies 

With more military funding.

                                         Indivisible.

Immigrants still chasing that

“American Dream”

And apparently

We don’t have

The heart to tell them

That it is not what it seems..

They will 

Never

Give you a seat at their table.

Afraid your 

Beautiful Brown and Black skin

Will stain their 

Preciously pressed 

White napkins.

They’ll kill you first 

And be able to 

Get away with it since 

Your menacing melanin 

Made you look dangerous 

To them.

                            The train tipping and flipping 

       I feel sick again 

                       I feel sick again

                                      I feel sick again

Suddenly 

I realize 

That my life will be held captive 

No matter where I go.

As I struggle with $1000′s worth of

Monthly medicine.

Nobody told me that getting sick 

Is only for the rich.

I see my friends rationing insulin 

But I earn less than them 

And somehow that makes me lucky 

Because

I don’t have enough money 

At my job 

Because the time I 

“Take off” 

For my mental health, sick day’s or for doctor’s appointments 

Makes me just poor enough 

That this country’s flimsy 

State healthcare programs 

Do cover some stuff.

                   WITH LIBERITY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

                                     That train crashes.

 I imagine myself 

Standing in an airport 

With a visa in my hand. 

Sights set on a 

New land 

Pursuing a 

Safer and higher education,

An owned home,

And a partner who adores me,

An amazing family.

And as though that 

Didn’t already make me the most luckiest  

Person in the world...

I would get back the rights 

To my own body.

Not afraid that one more 

Hospital visit will put me on 

The streets permanently 

And WHEN 

And IF

I decide to carry a baby...

If that’s right 

For me...

I can send them off 

On their first day of school 

With a kiss and a 

“Have a good day!” wish 

Knowing they’re  

Safe enough

In that space to learn 

Without

Their 

Bulletproof vest, 

And I’ll teach them respect 

BEFORE ANY GOD DAMN PLEDGE !

 The guilt washes over me...

I feel them on my shoulders... 

All the other kids that were there

In that dreaded compound...

All the other Americans... 

Still trapped within the borders.

As I travel across the sea 

To another new land 

Because I decided it was about damn time 

That I stop purely imagining things 

And actually 

Start chasing a 

Better Life,

Like my ancestors before me.

This Is 

The New 

American Dream.

#childsexualabusesurvivor #abortion #prochoice #gun violence #keep your laws off my body #us healthcare system #immigration #americanracism #immigrants #mentalhealthinamerica #gettingsickinamerica #women in america #lgbtq plus people in america #children in america #people of color in america #what the fuck is happening #roe v wade #rapidlyspiralingoutofcontrol #2022