#he cant live up to his parents expectations and would rather just play video games? ADHD

[batfamhyperfixation]

Look, I've seen people saying that Dick is the one with ADHD, and as someone with moderate ADHD I need to tell y'all, you're focusing on the wrong sibling. Ya wanna know which sibling would really have ADHD?

Tim

Like I get that Dick is a hyper acrobat (oh my god, not to go off on a side tangent but did they make Dick and acrobat cause it has the word bat in it?), but kids tend to be hyper and I think any kid who could do acrobats would do it constantly just cause it's fun

But like Tim shows major signs, like

- the whole joke with Tim is literally that he hyperfixates to an unhealthy degree on cases, like that is literally an ADHD tendency, sitting at a computer for 15 hours without taking breaks to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom or shower is literally one of the most ADHD things you can do and is literally one of the things that makes ADHD a disorder (cause it ruins normal functioning and it makes life worse)

- I could not imagine a better way for an ADHD character to be introduced than the way Tim is, unique from any other Batkid mind you (I'll put a picture of tags I just wrote for another post that is currently sitting in my drafts [don't mind the rainbow I just found out Tumblr can add filters to photos and I think this makes it easier to read]:)

- the whole coffee thing; for undiagnosed people with ADHD, coffee is good cause the caffeine calms us down (even my therapist has told me this) so the 'Tim drinks 15 cups of coffee' fanon out there is literally something that would align with him having undiagnosed ADHD

- Tim likes solving puzzles/cases but hates school so much he would drop out? ADHD. Tim is considered a great detective? People with ADHD tend to be seen as making connections quicker (which in places like school can cause us to either 1) only make surface level connections and not fully understand 2) make us finish quicker and thus get bored or have extra time to "disturb the class" 3) get frustrated really easily when things don't come to us right away) and like most kids with ADHD in their later years either have gifted kid burnout syndrome or Not Living Up to their Full Potential™ because teachers and parents "know they're smart, if only they would apply themselves in school, then they would succeed"

- Tim feels he imposed on Batman cause he was the only one who wasn't 'chosen' to be Robin so he works twice as hard? Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a common symptom of ADHD and so we not only are usually self deprecating like Tim, but we also will have lower self esteem like Tim and we will work twice as hard in certain situations we care about to justify why we should be there

and if you want I can keep going on but I'll stop here cause it is already starting to get really long, but just like... no one talks about how Tim is the perfect person to have ADHD and I'm gonna need y'all to start talking about it (and I'm not saying Dick doesn't have ADHD, I'm just saying I never see people talk about Tim in relation to ADHD and I feel like it just fits him perfectly)

#also bernard has ADHD #cause neurodivergents flock together #and Bernard actively talks about tons of 'bizarre topics' all the time and his newest conspiracy? ADHD #he cant live up to his parents expectations and would rather just play video games? ADHD #tim drake #adhd #sorry for that rant #long post #tim drake red robin #tim drake robin #tim drake headcanon

[dear-yandere]

lots of ilya q&a below - part 1

tw ... mentions of noncon and murder.

[ part 2 ] 

question:  so Ilya wouldn’t like a cop out of principle but what it,, Ilya had a darling but a (yandere?) cop investigating his case,, ALSO likes ilyas darling.. (obviously this would only be fun if the cop is rly competent and an actual threat)

answer: ilya believes that because he’s suffered, he should have a “free pass” to inflict suffering onto others, so of course he isn’t fond of having someone on his tail that constantly gets in the way of his fun. still, anything that staves off boredom is a plus in his book.

whether the cop is yandere or not, ilya isn’t fond of sharing his darling with the likes of an officer. simply put, this rival poses a threat to taking darling away (basically being a cockblock). ilya’d be sure to use the cop’s feelings to mock him, such as mentioning how wonderful darling is in bed, what a wonderful shade their skin turns when he chokes them to near-death, or – worst of all –  how popular darling’s pictures / videos have become on the dark web.

in reality, ilya has the upper hand in this situation. he’s avoided the cops for so long, what’s another one? then again, this devil-may-care mentality will surely be his downfall if the cop is competent enough to catch him.

question: Also sorry for spamming u I’m just in a mood rn- If Ilya likes hurting adults but wants to protect kids, how does he feel abt teenagers? Cause i feel like if I was an adult I’d see teenagers as kids so like are teenagers more like kids or more like adults to him? Also I thought it was rly funny that ppl seemed 2 prefer being ilyas partner in crime over being his darling but like if I had to interact w him I’d want him to protect child me lol cause I just want someone to watch out 4 me,,

answer: considering the amount of distasteful and illegal things he comes across involving minors on the dark web, anyone under the age of consent (or that looks too much like a child) is a kid in his eyes. even if he met an adult that looked young enough to be underaged, he’d feel uncomfortable with assaulting / killing them even after learning their age.

and i agree! ilya would’ve actually made a wonderful kindergarten or elementary teacher had his life played out differently. i was a bit shocked people preferred being his partner in crime, but it makes sense since they’d be prolonging their lifespan should they have the misfortune of meeting this man.

question 1: Can I ask how Ilya would react to a darling who cant die? Or dies but comes back to life each time? I’m torn between thinking he’d be frustrated because his ultimate show of love won’t stick or ecstatic that he has someone he can kill over and over again

question 2: I wonder how Ilya would react to a darling he COULDNT kill, maybe because they were immortal or simply always managed to stay just out of his reach. Perhaps they even returned a bit of his feelings but never as much as he wanted, never enough to die for it. - jinxdere

ilya would probably go through the stages of “grief”.

he’d be angry and distraught at first, adamant about maintaining his denial toward the situation. he’s never encountered a darling who couldn’t die; the moment he slit their throat, he expected them to never come back, to never question his love in such a way as to live. 

during the bargaining stage, he’d distance himself for a while, at least until he comes to terms with it and decide what to do.

during the depression stage. rather than be ecstatic that he can kill his darling over and over again, he’d feel an equal amount of anger as he does love. above all else, ilya wants to have fun, to cope with his problems by hurting as many people as possible. to him, killing others is his way of spreading his twisted version of love; he wants to kill as many people as he possibly can because he wants to love everyone. really though, this is an excuse to make as many people suffer as he possibly can. because he was wronged in his life, he wants to drag others down to his level. therefore, he’d rationalize his options and eventually decide to begrudgingly accept his darling’s immortality.

during the acceptance stage, he’d be willfully ignorant. he’d abandon this darling, sending them far away and telling them to never seek him out again; and if they do (especially if they fell in love with him), he will make every death more painful than the last. he wants nothing to do with them simply because they represent something he can’t overcome in life; ilya is fascinated by the marriage between death and love, and this particular darling is challenging his entire world view. he’d rather remain ignorant.

so basically, while he isn’t fond of having more than one darling at a time, he’d shun this immortal darling and no longer think of them as his. this seems counterintuitive, but a big part of ilya’s character is his hypocrisy and ignorance. they define who he is and act as a reminder of his past and innate psychopathic tendencies.

question: if u say Ilya has always had psychopathic tendencies, would he still be where he is rn if he had a good childhood? And I wonder like.. apathetic ppl/characters are often into morbid stuff and don’t care about hurting others but when u strip that down isn’t that just following your desires? Like are people like that obligated to be into violent stuff? Cause if Ilya just really liked collecting fish there’d be no issue.. I kinda think it’s a way to lash out at the world without letting it get 2 u

answer: i hope i understood this question correctly.

i can’t speak for actual psychopaths or serial killers obviously, but ilya is willfully ignorant and hypocritical. it’s his way of ‘lashing out without letting it get to him’ – his way of coping, basically. if he had a good childhood, it’s certainly possible he wouldn’t have treaded this path. however, childhood is only one factor that can push psychopaths over the edge. people who are apathetic or into morbid stuff aren’t obligated to be into violent things, especially as there can be some other mental issue at play; take narcissistic personality disorder for example. i personally know someone who likely has this disorder, but they are not into morbid / violent stuff even though they may lash out violently or disregard hurting others at times. i agree that your evaluation is probably correct in this situation too: lashing out is a way to cope.

now, if ilya’s parents had been more attentive, they would’ve noticed their son’s unsettling tendencies. killing animals is a big indicator of something greater at play and i’m sure they would’ve taken him for a psychological screening. i’m no doctor or psychiatrist (i’m not even in the medical field), but i imagine that with early detection and proper therapy, ilya might’ve been a normal person. would he still be into morbid things and have all the extreme kinks he currently does? yeah probably, but to a much lesser extent.

question: okay so u said Ilya knows he’s fucked up which is why he can’t have a kid BC he wouldn’t want them involved in that life so like.. if he knows he’s fucked up but still enjoys doing what he does, does he justify it to himself? Does he just not think about it? Like I often see evil characters be like “the world hurt me so I’m allowed to hurt others” - is it like that? Cause u said he’s a hypocrite and that’s quite hypocritical imo (if u know how bad it can be why make others suffer too yk?)

answer: part of it is that ilya is naturally sadistic and psychopathic, he doesn’t care if others suffer. even if he hadn’t become a serial rapist and killer, he would’ve had a clear disregard for others. he does justify himself and ignores his obvious hypocrisy. he realizes how much of a hypocrite he is, so it’s not that he’s an idiot or blind; it’s more of that he doesn’t give a damn about how selfish or contradictory he’s being.

you’re right that he thinks that he’s allowed to hurt others because the world hurt him, but it’s a bit beyond that. so for your question ‘why hurt others if you know how bad it can be’ – he gets off on it. even if he wasn’t the one committing crimes, he’d still get off on it. he’s similar to an incel that just stays in his room, complains about how the world is unfair, and watches porn all day, except more attractive, less whiny, actually gets sex bc he’s charming and doesn’t show his misanthropic side, and is into way darker porn than most incels probably are.

question: How would Eu-jin handle Illya taking an interest in his darling? I feel like things would get ugly fast.

answer: luckily, ilya doesn’t exist in the same universe as eu-jin or any of my other ocs! he’s human, so he’d get ripped to shreds pretty fast, especially by the overly-obsessive and protective supernatural (gumiho) eu-jin who hasn’t seen his darling in literal millennia. 

yuu wouldn’t even bother cannibalizing ilya, as he usually does with his prey; he’d find the Ripper far too disgusting to put in his own body, but he would torture ilya as painfully and slowly as possible. ripping off his fingernails one by one, removing his tongue so he can’t scream (much like the way ilya chokes his darlings), etc.

...so yeah, as soon as the hyper-aware eu-jin realizes that ilya is looking at the former’s darling with interest, it’d get ugly real fast.

question: What if when Ilya tried to kill one of his darlings but they manage to fight back and escape? I just see that throwing him for a real curve ball so I was curious to how he'd react.

answer: he’d be furious at first. to him, running away is the ultimate act of denying his love -- but, he’s a man that appreciates some fun every now and then. while he isn’t fond of darlings that fight back (especially when he’s about to kill them), having a darling who spices his life up every now and then is exhilarating. he’ll decide to play along with this darling’s little game of cat and mouse, and to be honest, he finds the increased risk of getting caught by authorities (should the darling get that far) fun. as i’ve mentioned before, ilya knows how much of a hypocrite he is and has long come to terms with his inevitable karma and death, he just doesn’t care enough to change his habits.

#oc questions #questions #*ocs #ilya #vanya #not a request

[thelucidprophetus-blog]

Side Character In My Own Life

People always say that we think of ourselves as the main character of our lives' story. But I don't want to be the main character. All I want to do is be the side character in the back round that occasionally helps or gets a bit of screen time then I go back into the back round. For as long as I can remember I never really had dreams or ambitions. All I wanted was to work a normal decent paying job and get what normal people have with a wife and a family. If you want to call that a dream then go for it but to me it is the bare minimum. I know a lot of people don't have and maybe will never have that. However, I figured I would eventually find that “happiness” I know it isn't normal to feel and think how I do. I absolutely love being alone and spending time by myself if it is watching videos or playing video games I know I’m depressed and oh boy it's not fun. But when I go out with people, I’m always trying to be the “class clown” funny guy. I guess the thing people say about the most depressed people try to make others happy because they know what is like to truly be sad and depressed. I’m selfish, though, because I do some what enjoy the attention. Though when people then try to give it to me, I don't know, it just makes me feel wrong and I dislike it. Then I’ll go and distance myself, because I have abandonment issues, but we will get there. Many people have tried to be my friend and get me to go out with them, but I just refuse. when I was younger i just made excuses but now that I’m older i just tell them the truth, that I don’t want to go out, because I found that totally honesty is the best thing, at least to me. I know I take it to far though and just end up being an asshole. I don’t pretend to try and care about stuff and people when i really don’t, I just tell them that i don’t care and that I’m sorry but they should really talk to someone else. But when I see someone who is truly sad and struggling I cant help myself but try and cheer them up and help them. Usually, I end up pissing them off or scarring them with my brutal honesty and my solutions to their problems, mostly because they don’t like them. Anyways that’s just a little about my character. My actual story is kinda sad, but I don’t see it that way. My family always says I handle things well and make them laugh. I think that’s because all I know to do is joke around and try to make people smile. I have always had a pretty small tight circle. When I was little, I didn’t have a lot of friends but enough to be considered alright. I basically played any sport I was allowed to. So that made things easier to make friends. You know. Similar things to bond over and what not. But I lost many friends throughout life just like most people. Even some of my closest friends. Either from moving away or me messing things up. This is just one part of why I don’t get close, though. Another is because of my father. He passed away when I was eight on thanksgiving morning. I was staying at one of my friends houses that I would eventually loose. Due to me loosing a parent while i was at a friends house for almost a year i refused to spend the night not at home because i was scarred id loose my mother as well. I’m not gonna pretend to remember everything about that day because I don’t. But from what i do remember without peoples help hurt for awhile, hell maybe it still does but I’m just so numb i cant tell. Anyways, after loosing more friends and becoming more and more colder. Plus getting bullied, nothing to serious just normal kids stuff, added to that. Eventually, I made “the friend group” the one that you start spending everyday together along with causing trouble and of coarse getting into it. We were honestly so much alike it was basically like we were the same people. The 3 of us were together for a couple of years, and it was a swell time. I knew that some stuff we got into was just not right and we shouldn’t be doing it. I won't get to into it but fighting, drugs, and crime. I don’t know what else you expect from a teenager raised in the south suburbs of Chicago. But I expected better of myself. Even so, with being burned so many times it felt nice to have a new family that was consistent. Eventually, it expanded as most families do. As boys will, we had some fall outs over girls but in the end we got back together and fixed our issues. The core remained the same for quite awhile. But good things must come to an end. One of the main 3 of us started to break off and we just kind of let it happen. Not long after that I found a girlfriend who was my dream girl. Smart, funny, irresistibly adorable. She had dreams and ambitions. Everything I never had. Much to the dismay of my friends she started setting me straight. No more fighting was rule number one. To be honest I didn’t have that many issues with it because I never really liked it that much anyway. Plus I’m rather short so now that we have grown I know I wouldn’t be as good as I was when I was younger and more or less the same size. Next was crime, I stopped stealing and vandalizing stuff. Also didn’t have a problem with that because again I knew it was wrong but just kind of went along with it. Finally was drugs. I have basically tried everything from cigarettes to cocaine and heroin by the time I was 15. Which was when I met her. Usually, I just stayed to the calmer stuff, though, so I figured it wasn’t that big of deal but to her it was. So for the special someone I thought id never find I figure it was worth a shot to stop everything. To rewind a little bit, before her time, I started to connect really well with my grandpa on my dads side. When my dad was around, we were really close. A distanced between us grew a little after he passed. But because he and my grandmother were getting older and couldn’t do what they use to I was there to help and be there for them. We began to get really close. He had an accident one day and broke his hip, because my grandma was bed ridden and all other immediate family had moved away my mother the saint she is stepped up and offer to help them for awhile. During this time my sister and I which didn’t get along at all lived by ourselves for like 7 months. To her if I was alive and she had an idea of where I was things were ok so I basically lived in the “trap house” of my friend group. After I got my new girlfriend though I didn’t feel right being over there. Most because of the drugs and a girl that was there who was a real problem but that’s a story for another day. Now going back to the present. My girl and I were happy. I had gotten my act cleaned up, and she was the ray of hope and sunshine. After 6 months of being together, we were on the way to visit my grandparent with my mom. My girl had basically already become part of my family. I never have brought a girl around them till now and they all loved her. So we got there to visit and as I usually did I went running ahead to wake my grandpa up and make sure he was decent. When I got upstairs to his room, I found him laying on his bed dead and my grandma barely clinging to life. A week later my grandma passed away when we decided to take her off life support. In the coming weeks she was there for me the entire time even though her mother who absolutely hated me for my past refused to let her see me at times. I was a complete mess and didn’t want to step foot in my grandparents house again. So cleaning it out to be sold was real interesting. As time passed I just distanced myself from basically everyone except my girl. I don’t know, the fact that she was there when I found them and the fact that she could leave whenever she wanted but chose not to was something that stuck with me. For the first time when stuff got real hard and uncomfortable, she stayed so I formed a special bond to her. I started working a couple of months later and making decent money for a kid as a server. Saving for the future and everything. Cause to me I wasn’t just saving for me anymore I was saving for our future. Although I was still a kid and would spend a little to much once in awhile nothing to ridiculous just a big gift or dinner. I just wanted to make her happy, so she wouldn’t leave too. But because of everything that has happened in my life, including some stuff I left out of this, I become such a numb person that I never talked about my feelings or stuff that truly mattered to me, and she hated it. Its not like I was an open book before but I at least told her some stuff. Now I didn’t tell her anything. I tried to do everything normal couples would do of talking bout our days and so on but I never talked about me on the inside. The only time we would ever fight, and I mean ever, was when she would beg and plead with me to open up to her after all we had been together for 2 years. But I wouldn’t. I would give her the smallest thing just to get her off my back. I graduated and knew I had to find a job for the long term that paid really well, so I could work towards our future. Then I did, a great warehouse job moving heavy boxes all night long. I loved it, doing hard manually labor and not really having to deal with people and those I did deal with were quite pleasant. I found it, the job I wanted, being the background character and just working hard. I always knew I didn’t want to go to college. Id just find a good job and be fine for life. But for her that wasn’t good enough her dream of being a vet and going to college was what she wanted to do since she was little so of coarse I encouraged her to go somewhere nice and get a good education. Not because of me but with my support she went and got accepted to a nice vetting school. Of coarse I was proud of her but I couldn’t help but be worried about the future so I began to distance myself knowing thing may not work out and to avoid the heart ache of someone leaving again I wasn’t being the best I could be. While at work one night a very heavy box fell off the top of a semi and landed on my head. Now I played a lot of sports, including football like I said so I thought nothing of it and just went back to work even though others were completely terrified for me I thought I was fine and didn’t want to ruin our safety streak. A week later I started suffering from really bad headaches and began throwing up uncontrollably. Thinking about it I just figured I had the flu, but it wasn’t. After not being able to work without throwing up and wanting to die from my headaches we started going to doctor after doctor and getting a procedure or two done we still had no clue what was wrong with me. During this time I became the most I depressed I had ever been in life. I was bed ridden and could hardly if ever go outside without the fear of puking in public. So I isolated myself in my room. Because my mom the saint is a hoarder I never brought anyone to my house and I mean absolutely never, but being the kind girl she is my girlfriend began coming over and for the first time since before my dad died my family regularly had a guest. Of coarse it was kinda gross to her but she didn’t care she got to look after me and make me feel better. But then the time came for her to leave for college and for the first time since my grandpa passed I shed a couple tears. The things were doing alright for awhile but after finding out a couple of things about what was wrong with me things took a turn for the worse. I found out that I’m allergic to 29 out of 31 main environmentals not deathly allergic but bad enough to cause some of my problems. Which means going outside is actually bad for my health. So I stopped going outside almost all together. This took an even greater toll on my relationship even though she was 5 hours away. I became even more depressed because I could no longer go out and play basketball with an old friend of mine which was one of the things I got to do because I worked so much and could only see my girl on the weekends. I was completely alone the only person who my family accepted into our house had left and I couldn’t really go outside without becoming more sick so I was stuck in my room alone. So I spent my days playing Xbox with close friends I made thought the years. This was the only thing to make me happy and bring me up out of my down mood. Well, my girl didn’t like that I spent all my time out of bed playing video games cause she figured if I could do that then I should be able to do something more productive which she wasn’t entirely wrong but because I don’t open up I never really told her how bad my health actually was. When she was over, I always tried my best to keep in good spirits but I couldn’t hide everything. She caught me throwing up a lot it didn’t seem to bother her. So I can only assume she didn’t know how bad things really were. I was always tired and sad and throwing up. And we didn’t have all the answers yet. so as you probably guessed we ended up breaking up which destroyed me but we did have a couple talks in the psst about how i need to get my shit together but she had had enough and was ready to move on. I cant blame her it must have been really tough being with me. Hell I know it was. Her entire family hated me an wanted nothing to do with me no matter what I did. They were always on her back about me, and I don’t blame them either. I didn’t eat anything for 4 days, and I didn’t talk to anyone except the friend I played basketball with because he was the last true friend I had after cutting basically everyone out. Fast forwarding from that super depressing stuff. A coupe months later we found out what was actually wrong with me. On top of having real bad allergies, which I started getting treated for I also had brain damage from the box that fell on my head. The damage was on the frontal lobe where all of our emotions and responses are held. So they chalked how I was acting up to that. I also suffer from post concussive syndrome. Which I’m sure it didn’t help but it only made how I was already worse. Due to doctors recommendation I saw a therapist for a bit, but I know what is wrong with me and I’m extremely logical so she couldn’t help to much but she did help me get a little better physically. I know that may sound strange but she did. Because of her I moved out of my moms house even though I’m scarred that my sis and mom wouldn’t be able to take care of some stuff the mold and dust which I’m allergic to wasn’t good for my health. Thinking my ex might want to hear all the good news I decided to tell her but she couldn’t care less. The warm caring person who was there for me for so long was officially gone and never coming back. So using the inheritance, I got from my grandpa I’ve been living on my own for a year. Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that I’m entirely alone with having no one to talk to, but I still have my Xbox friends and I try going out once in awhile. Not trying to make new friends or anything but just getting out for my mental health. Now that my basketball friend has gone off to the military, I’m truly alone with no one to talk to. I know I could talk to my mother and family but like I said my sis earlier and i never got along, and for my mom. She may be a saint but this isn’t something for her to deal with. She has her own medical problems going on and for the past couple years I’ve been the rock of the family. The truthful one who would help if you asked but would hide his true thoughts about things. I don’t know why I decided to put my life story on here but if feels good to open up and let everything come pouring out. Hell I don’t know if anyone will even read this or how this site entirely works but it give me a place to put everything, and I kind of like it. Opening up and talking about myself. I don’t think I want to be the background character in my life anymore. Living for other people and not wanting to do anything with myself. I don’t know what I will do with my life or myself for that matter. I’m only 20 so I do have a ton of time ahead of me to decide. Thanks to my grandpa I learned what it was like to be a man and I also learned a lot about myself. If it wasn’t for him, I never would be able to move out and live on my own and start working on myself. I learn so much from the people in my life and tried to imitate them to be normal and live a decent life. But it if time for me to be myself, not forgetting the things I learned or picked up on from other people but building on them and adding my own on top of that. Cause no matter how hard I try I do not believe I could ever forget the people who made me who I am. All of the side character in my life helped shape me the main character.

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like -> #june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[raychulemma]

50 Completely Random Questions People Rarely Ask Tag:

1. What’s your favorite candle scent? Red Apple Wreath - Yankee Candle. It's perfectly Autumnal and always goes on half price sale after Christmas. I have far too many versions of it

2. What female celebrity do you wish you were related to? Probably Maya Rudolph because she's a shameless weirdo like me

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Probably Peter Kay. I feel like he would be easy to open up to. And he would make awkward family events so much more bearable

4. What’s your favorite thing about marriage? (And if you’re not married, what’s your favorite thing about being single?) Security. Safety. I didn't expect it to feel any different because we had been living together for a while but something about the actual marriage made me feel protected and comfortable. Also because its a same-sex marriage it's a lot nicer to say my wife than my fiancée, because i would wonder if they assume my fiancée is male

5. What’s one thing you own that you should probably get rid of, but just can’t? Books that I'm not going to re-read but have memories linked to buying/receiving/reading them.

6. Can you do a split? not a chance

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? Seven. i learnt at the end of my road because it's a dead end. and i got a green bike for my birthday with a seat for my teddy

8. How many oceans have you swam in? just the Atlantic ocean 🌊

9. How many countries have you been to? 6. France, Spain, Germany, USA (Florida), Wales, Scotland.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army? No, my Grandad was, and some of my Great Uncles but no one during my lifetime

11. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Superted, Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, The Story of Tracy Beaker, Dick n Dom in da Bungalow, Jungle Run

12. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? A classy binbag witch

13. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? I got into the Harry Potter books in 1998 and am still in love with the series. I went to the midnight release for the last book. I watched all of the films in the opening week and vividly remember that the cinema i saw the first film at in 2001 had a Harry Potter themed sweet shop. I have jewellery, clothing, books, dvds, wands, other collectibles. I read the books with my mum when i was younger and watched all of the films in the cinema with her. she had her own HP merch. My wife also loves Harry Potter. We have been to see Cursed Child twice and have been to the Studio Tour 3 (or 4?) times. We had a Harry Potter themed wedding which was absolutely perfect. Hunger Games was something i avoided reading until the first film was coming out, and then absolutely loved the first 2 books (3rd one got too political for me) and the films are still some of my favourites for costume and set design. I read the twilight books after my best friend recommended them to me. We all actually read them as part of our sisterhood club. I went to blackpool to watch the first film in the cinema with my best friend. I watched the last one at midnight with my wife and one of the girls from the sisterhood who is one of the biggest twilight fans i know still. she has behind the scenes books and dvds and has re read the books that much that the spines are just gone. my mum was also a big twilight fan and would watch them any time they were on tv. i watched a few at the cinema with her, always her choice. she hadnt seen hunger games at the time of them being released but we did watch them all with her a few years ago

14. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? i film YouTube videos and always think my accent would be more interesting if it was American

15. Have you ever taken karate lessons? no, my 2 brothers and sister did when i was 5 or 6. i didnt like being touched so never did it

16. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? yup

17. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? im going to guess Gullivers world Warrington because its the closest one to where i live

18. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? French because I love disneyland paris. or japanese because i would love to visit tokyo but its way out of my comfort zone

19. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? grey. e for england, a for america

20. Do you know triplets? yes, 2 girls and a boy but i only met the girls

21. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? Titanic. my mum was a massive fan. She watched it 3 times in the cinema when it first came out. we watched it with her when it was released in imax on an anniversary. she had behind the scenes books, a few versions of the vhs and dvds, playing cards. her love for it made me love it

22. Have you ever had Indian food? no im a very fussy eater and have never tried indian or Chinese

23. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Of all time? Tough choice but im going with pizza hut. Cheesy bites base with double mushroom. Never craved something more

24. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? they dont have it in England so no but i would probably like it

25. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? i have no idea, maybe jason after my dad?

26. If you have a nickname, what is it? rach, chicken, chickadee

27. Who’s your favorite person in the world? i want to say scruff but shes technically not a person. kirsty is my best friend and i would pick her every time

28. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? where i live is in between. drive one way and its city, the other way is farms. so living in one ot those farmhouses not far from city life would be the dream. i would have chickens, sheep and cats.

29. Can you whistle? yep but my cats hate the noise

30. Do you sleep with a nightlight? i can see the hallway light from where our bed is so i dont generally need a nightlight but we do have cute ones. i have 3 HP ones on my bedside table

31. Do you eat breakfast every morning? yea as long as i have time

32. How many times have you been to the hospital? ive only ever been to a&e. once for palpitations, a few times for mental health and once for an x ray on my hand. ive been to walk in centres for urine/kidney infections and for fractured fingers. oh i did go to hospital to see a neurologist to be diagnosed with essential tremor

33. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? yes i love it. my brother and sister both bought me the dvd for christmas the year it came out so i had 2 copies for a while. i also had the game for pc and ps2. and i had a game on my phone and ipad where you could build up the seabed and gain fish. the film is just so nice and calming to watch. the scenery, the sound effects, the movements are all just gently flowing. and somehow you get attached to these characters and root for them whether youre a fan of tropical fish or not.

34. Where do you buy your jeans? primark, next, sainsburys, asda

35. What’s the last compliment you got? kirsty said my eyelashes look like im wearing mascara when im not

36. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? yea and they're weird as fuck. the latest one was about the bath being clogged with poo

37. Favorite beverage that isn’t water? Tea ☕

38. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? a disgusting amount. maybe 20. maybe more

39. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? about 8 which I think wasnt too young or too old. my brother told me which I was glad about because i was prone to being bullied at school and would have hated to be told by nasty kids

40. What is one food that you used to hate but now you love? cheesy garlic bread WTF

41. What is a weird lie you’ve told? i told kirsty once that i had pood the bed and asked her to help me clean it.

42. Heels or flats? flats always. specifically trainers. i think dresses look so much cuter with trainers. same with suits

43. Do you have any weird phobias? no just common ones. moths, spiders, flying insects, beetles, heights, being completely isolated, finding a dead person

44. What is a phrase or word you always say? i cant actually think of a current phrase i say but i do get stuck on phrases

45. What is a song that you bast or belt out when you are alone? part of your world, let it go, bridge over troubled water, over the rainbow. any that i try to actually hit the notes on

46. What is one of your biggest pet peeves? nails. nails tapping, and the sound of cutting or biting nails. or people that stop in the middle of an aisle or walkway when you're trying to get past

47. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed? they dont even have doors on yet so open

48. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? bear. the noise of bees terrifies me. i had a flying ant in my hair on flying ant day but i didnt know. i heard it buzz and cried

49. Do you have any weird things you do? i cant have 2 cream biscuits together (custard cream and jam n cream). i sometimes say hi to my teddies so they know i havent forgot about them. i buy hatchimals when theyre on sale even though i havent previously collected them cos im an impulsive pos. (honestly collecting animal jam figures and my little ponies were the best though)

50. What movie could you watch over and over again and still love? any of the harry potter films, titanic, sisterhood of the travelling pants, Princess diaries 1 and 2, enchanted, princess and the frog, raise your voice, catch me if you can, chalet girl, the shining, slumdog millionaire