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jaegerbroshoe · 3 years

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Chapter 136 Thoughts

Well, this isn’t pretty.

1) Dajhfadlsj I’m sorry the first line of the chapter just made me think of BLACKPINK’s line “look up in the sky it’s a bird it’s a plane” in How You Like That 😂.

2) Hold up, “Devote Your Hearts” is the name of the chapter? I can already predict how it’s gonna be cringe... (Edit: Actually, that part of the chapter wasn’t cringey and I was pleasantly surprised by it.)

3) Not gonna lie, Falco’s Titan is pretty cool. On another note, how fucking big is Eren’s dinosaur form??? He’s like 4x the Wall Titans, which makes him over 200 metres...?

4) “You know that we can fight too.” Bitch *snaps fingers*, stay *snaps fingers* home *snaps fingers*.

5) Of course Kiyomi won’t give a fuck about her ship. The whole world is in shambles anyways 😂.

6) Yelena is a whole ass mood though. Sulking in the background.

7) OhmyfuckingGod Gabi. SHUT 👏🏻 UP 👏🏻. Is she seriously quoting “repaying Kiyomi” as the reason they need to stop the Rumbling?? Like, that’s your biggest concern????? She’s pissing me off two pages into the chapter. Character development, my ass.

8) Reiner... UGH. Are you seriously calling that a “promise” when you fucking made a little kid sign his death sentence?? Absolutely revolting.

9) Falco’s shifter lines! Finally some good fucking food!

Also, his eyes are glowing... Is this alluding to the fact that Falco is connected to the FT in a way? Perhaps thanks to Zeke’s spinal fluid? Cause it’s really only Eren that’s been shown with glowing eyes like this recently.

10) Falco’s angry eyes 👌🏽. He’s resembling Eren more and more.

11) Is it just me, or does the dialogue feel so awkward...? Like, it’s been this way lately. Is someone else writing it for Isayama or? They just talk so “typical superhero plot” like.

12) Levi just opened his mouth, and let me guess... He’s gonna justify his plan by saying “I promised I would take down Eren if he got out of control” or something shitty like that 🙄. Edit: I was wrong but his words basically imply the same thing.

13) Okay Connie, shut up. Eren could have killed y’all already if he wanted to??? Why y’all so fucking stupid?

14) No offense Connie, but nothing you’ve been saying or doing shows that you “don’t want to give up on Eren”. You’ve been hating on him and not even trying to understand him for the past 40 chapters.

15) I just want to say that I’m not even pissed at Isayama for his writing. I’m just...pissed at the characters??? For being so stupid and annoying??? I don’t even associate it with Isayama being the reason they’re like this. It feels like a natural part to their characters at this point, but it still fucking pisses me off.

16) “Shining centipede”... Isayama, I never needed that mental imagery. Ever. Eughhh. I seriously just gagged a little.

17) Hold up, “[it] jumped out of Eren’s spine”? That’s interesting. Based on Gabi’s “if that’s the true nature of the power of the Titans”, does this mean the original source that attached itself to Ymir was inside Eren all along? As a result of manifesting itself in the body of the individual that consumes the FT? If this is the case, and the original source was physically in Eren’s body this whole time, then I guess killing him could put an end to the power.

18) Marleyans, two seconds ago: “We shall not repeat our mistakes of spreading hatred into the world!” Marleyans, two seconds later when they run into the SoY they’ve been oppressing for a century: “Kill them!”

19) Eh, I guess it’s ingrained in them or whatever. They still suck ass.

20) Wait, who is “driver”??? I’m so confused.

21) Lmao, I’m sorry, this dude just got a whole name four chapters before the story’s end... He’s getting more of a role than Magath did in the finale.

22) Okay, those Archer Titans are pretty damn cool. Which, the power of the Titans in itself is actually SO cool. You can do so much with it...if only people used it properly smh.

23) Reiner and Jean...? Are they supposed to fulfill the role of Helos together 😐?

24) “Yeah... Same to you.” Wowwww, thank you for your kindness Reiner. You certainly weren’t concerned about that when you convinced Marley to charge Paradis a few days ago.

25) Sjdkadfj I’m sorry but Pieck being skewered like that looks so funny 😂.

26) Why is everyone suddenly copying Eren with their transformation method 😑.

27) Jean really said, “I don’t care” @ Pieck, huh.

28) Okay, Jean’s looking mighty fine. Thanks Yams.

29) Wait, I just had a thought. What if...Ymir is doing all this to protect Eren? Like, Eren wants to die, but she doesn’t want him to so she’s stopping the others from killing him? And I don’t mean she doesn’t want him to die cause she needs/wants him for the Rumbling, but because she genuinely cares about him?

30) That shot of Jean hanging from Eren’s ribcage is pretty cool.

31) Holy shit??? Eren’s HUGE.

32) “Even Bertolt’s being used as a puppet... Unforgivable...” PFFFT! BITCH, SAY WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT WHAT IS UNFORGIVABLE YOU HYPOCRITE? I’m so fucking mad, holy fuck. You kill thousands of people and don’t give a shit, sleeping in a crystal for five years, but you have the audacity to cry about Bertolt’s Titan form—which was created by Ymir herself thank you very much—being used? Ymir owns the damn blueprint for it, fuck off.

33) Hold up, a Pig Titan? I don’t know if I like the sound of that considering the implications...

34) Wait, why are they even going after the Pig Titan?

35) Falco over here doing nosedives, damn. He can be an aerobatic pilot.

36) Why does this chapter feel so long even though it’s action heavy...

37) What the fuck, where did the anti-Titan rifle even come from? 😂 And holy shit Levi, SHUT UP.

38) EREN!

39) Huh, I actually kinda like what that little Levi monologue was saying. Finally, the SC’s flaws were brought up. And hearing Levi say he doesn’t regret choosing Armin, and what he thought of when he remembered Armin’s dreamy eyes during serumbowl... Glad we got clarification on that (in that it did affect his choice). But does this mean Levi is finally gonna let go of his immature grudge? There are bigger things to worry about after all.

40) Also, it kinda feels like that was a jab at Hanji. They couldn’t deal with the fact that what they devoted their heart for wasn’t worth it in the end lmao.

41) I’m not sure I like how the members of the 104th that had grudges against one another are conveniently teaming up and saving one another (Reiner/Jean, Jean/Pieck, Annie/Mikasa, etc.)... Like yeah, we get it. They’re All on The Same Side Now.

42) It’s interesting that the Pig is who they’re chasing considering the significance of pigs to the story. I wonder if the Pig Titan is gonna be the one to lead them to freedom? It seems to be intentionally directing them somewhere specific.

43) On a side note, how come Mikasa knows about something like okapi but Annie doesn’t? Isn’t it Paradisians who know a limited number of species compared to the rest of the world? I haven’t heard of an okapi before myself, so how come Mikasa knows.

44) Huh, interesting that Armin is the one shit talking himself and being mad at his body for not cooperating this time. Kinda parallels Eren in chapter 50 and I guess even back in the Female Titan arc?

45) Wait, is this stuff with Armin addressing how Ymir could still be alive despite not having a physical body? I think so??

46) ZEKE!!!! I MISSED YOU! 😭

47) I really wasn’t expecting to see him anytime soon. What a lovely surprise!

48) Okay, is my heart ready? Is he dead? Oh God.

49) “Hello. Eren’s friend.” DAJLDJSKJ I’M SCREAMING. WHY IS HE SO CUTE? AND THE WAY HE’S BUILDING A SAND CASTLE? But he looks so sad, oh my God. I wanna hug him and tuck him into bed.

50) WHAT.

51) HOLY SHIT???

52) THAT LAST PANEL????????????????????

53) I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS CAUGHT OFF GUARD IN SO LONG.

54) Okay I’m seriously mindfucked still. Ymir...ate them? My jaw has been hanging open for the past five minutes, I’m not even kidding.

55) I don’t think I have the mental capacity to think of theories right now?? I need time to process this honestly.

This chapter made me feel so many different things?? I went from pissed to interested to bored to shocked. That was an amazing bomb to drop on us at the end. Now I’m really excited for the next chapter! And I’m glad the predictions about this chapter covering all the boring filler stuff and ending off with the setup for the PATHS shenanigans was right. Now we can focus on the more interesting revelations.

I am a bit worried about whether we’ll have enough time to cover everything however... Cause we didn’t get to the family reunions and there’s the stuff with the Marleyans and SoY fighting on the ground (I really want an Eren POV but I’m not sure we’ll get it at this rate)... I feel like no one is gonna die though at this point. Unless being eaten by Ymir means being dead. But based on what Armin was saying, I don’t think it does.

Anyways, I’m so happy we got to see Zeke! (Best part in this chapter!) Even if he’s dead, I’m glad chapter 122 won’t be how his last appearance will be remembered. And it’s interesting that he’s back in the form he was in when he and Eren made contact. He’s not appearing as a little kid like Eren, but he’s not in his old man form from chapters 120-122 either. Given Armin’s appearance as well, that’s probably significant...

P.S. I just had a Bad Thought. Did Zeke replace Ymir and he’s the one creating the Titans (as in, he’s now the “slave”)? Is that why he’s playing with the sand? It would be pretty ironic if Ymir made him do this after he yelled at her to follow his commands... Oh God.

#snk 136 #snk spoilers #snk thoughts #rant #snk predictions #snk speculation #my opinion #regarding that last theory #on one hand I'd feel bad for zeke but on the other...he kinda deserved it?#for enforcing king fritz' ideology #it would also explain his demeanour #although given his personality I can also see him sulking over not getting his way #ok I am super tired and half asleep; I did edit this a few times but it's highly likely I missed something so excuse any mistakes #thanks and goodnight

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sassycassie-s-writing · 5 years

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Not the Enemy

By: SassyShoulderAngel319

Fandom/Character(s): Avatar: The Last Airbender/Sokka

Rating: PG-11 (just to be safe)

Original Idea: This imagine (changed JUST slightly)

Notes: (Masterlist)(By Character)(About Me) Sokka needed a little love on this blog XD (Also this one’s a little long) @welovegroot

^^^^^

“She’s a Firebender Katara! She can’t come with us!” Sokka exclaimed, gesturing to me with one flailing hand. “Or did you forget that Firebenders are the en-e-my?!”

“You know what?” I spat at him, hurling a fireball between him and his sister. “You know what, Sock-boy—fine! Fine! If you’re that prejudiced and distrustful of someone you haven’t spent a moment trying to know or understand then you’re not worth the time and help I was going to offer. So fine! I’m leaving. Don’t expect to find me again—because you won’t. And don’t come crying when your plan fails because I wasn’t there.”

“Sock-boy?” Sokka demanded, expression clearly offended.

I growled and clenched my hands into fists. How was that all he took from what I said?

I grunted angrily and stormed off, muttering under my breath as I went. “Fine… don’t need them… good for nothing jerk… just trying to help…”

^^^^^

“Go apologize,” Katara ordered, shoving Sokka in the direction the girl had disappeared off to.

“I shouldn’t have to!” Sokka snapped. “She’s a Firebender! She’s dangerous!”

“She was offering us help! And if you haven’t noticed, we kind of need it! We are stranded out here and until Aang and Appa can come find us!”

“She’s a Firebender in Earth Kingdom territory! That means she’s a soldier! We. Cannot. Trust her. I'm not going to apologize!”

“Sokka, the Fire Nation doesn’t allow women to serve in foreign military. Women who serve in the military stay in their domestic forces.”

“How in the world do you even know that?”

“It’s called reading, idiot,” Katara retorted. “Besides. She wasn’t wearing their uniforms. Her hair was styled like an Earth Kingdom girl’s. She’s not a soldier.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that she buRNED HALF OF MY EYEBROW OFF!”

“Is that what this is about? Sokka it’ll grow back. Now stop being a revolting sloth-snail and go apologize!”

Sokka crossed his arms. “No.”

Katara popped open the stopper on her pouch of water.

^^^^^

It was peaceful in the top boughs of a huge, ancient tree. The land was far below and the branches were so thick there was no way I could fall. Vines draped over the limbs, long fingers reaching for the ground. The leaves were dense and dark. I couldn’t even see the ground from this high up due to how many leaves there were.

Sokka’s reaction to me being a Firebender wasn’t unusual. I never meant to stray away from the Fire Nation colonies where I was born and raised. A lot of strange incidents—including but not limited to an attempted kidnapping, getting run over by a rogue cart full of cabbages, and surviving a gang’s recruitment attempt—led me to where I was. Far away from home with no idea how to get back.

The colonies had been around for so long now that Fire Nation colonists and Earth Kingdom natives in the area had mingled and nearly accepted each other into their lives.

This far away from them though? Not a chance. Out here, Firebenders and Fire Nation citizens were still the enemy. Now that I saw the war from the outside, I didn’t blame them. But no one had accepted me for being what I was since I was hauled away from my home.

I leaned my head back against the trunk of the tree and let the pulled leaf I was fiddling with fall from my hand. It drifted pleasantly toward the ground.

I missed home. I missed my parents. My friends.

Sokka’s words hurt more than I let on—my anger overpowered my pain in the moment, but now that I was removed, it came back full force. I curled my knees up to my chest and started to cry.

^^^^^

Sokka looked around. The forest was pretty dark and hard to see through. But even a Firebender had to see, right? So she’d probably use her Firebending for light. He peered around at tree trunks, looking for flickering yellow-orange light reflecting off the bark. She couldn’t have got that far, right? This place was too dense and there was, like, one overgrown path.

As he wove between trees he couldn’t wrap his arms around if he tried, he heard something.

“Is that… sobbing?” he muttered under his breath. “Hello?!”

His voice didn’t even echo. The forest was so thick it absorbed the sound into oppressive silence.

“HELLO?!” he shouted louder.

Whatever noises he—thought?—he heard, they stopped. The only sounds were the animals and bugs that inhabited the forest, and the rushing of his blood in his own ears. He paused on the path, peering around.

“Look, I'm sorry okay?!” he called. “I should have listened and tried to understand you!”

“You don’t want to do that,” a voice remarked from behind him.

He whirled with a shriek.

Leaning against the wide trunk of a tree he’d just passed was the Firebender girl. Her arms were crossed and her gold eyes were narrowed.

^^^^^

“You don’t want to shout in a forest like this,” I repeated. “Some things in here aren’t afraid of people. Don’t wanna call them down on you.”

“Where did you come from?!” Sokka demanded.

I pointed straight up into the depths of the canopy. “There.”

“How the—never mind.” He sighed and hung his head. “I'm sorry. You were just trying to help and I was far less appreciative than you deserve. You said I didn’t try to get to know you or understand you and you’re right. I’ve known good and not-so-good people in every nation I’ve visited so far and after everything that’s happened with the Fire Nation and the war I hadn’t stopped to consider there might be good people in it too.”

I nodded. “I understand that. But you have to understand that we’re not all like the soldiers and the Fire Lord.”

“I do now. And, honestly, Katara and I would be grateful for your help in getting out of—”

Crack!

“Shh!” I hissed, jumping over to him and clamping my hand over his mouth.

He peeled it off. “Hey, look, I'm trying to make a genuine apology here—”

“Sokka, shut up!” I pressed, putting my hand over his mouth again and looking around wildly. Something else cracked nearby. Not just a twig under a rabbit-deer’s foot—a fallen branch under something much heavier.

Sokka went rigid. I let his mouth go. “What… was that?” he whispered.

“Nothing good,” I replied.

A growling roar resounded down the path—way closer than I would have preferred.

“Monkey feathers!” I whispered. “That’s a wolf-bear! I told you not to shout in these woods.” I started to push Sokka behind me. “Go. Go!” I ordered.

“What? No! I’m staying with you! I'm a warrior!”

“Sokka just run! Wolf-bears are afraid of fire but I'm limited enough being surrounded by trees. I can scare it off but you have to run! Go back to Katara. I can’t worry about burning you, okay? Go!” I shoved him down the path the way he came. He stared at me for one long second, looking like he was going to protest. I ignited a ball of fire in my palm. “Go!”

He ran.

I turned. There was the wolf-bear, snarling at me. I was a little out-of-practice when it came to Firebending since I hadn’t trained formally since I was taken from the colonies, but… it’d be okay. I’d work it out.

The wolf-bear roared.

I shouted at it in retaliation, huge pillars of fire erupting from my hands.

With a battle cry, I jumped at it.

^^^^^

Sokka stumbled down the path, hearing the sounds of a Firebender fighting a wolf-bear getting fainter behind him. The oppressive silence of the forest was drowning it out faster than it should have been.

But nothing could drown out the bloodcurdling scream—that abruptly got cut off.

Sokka skidded to a stop, turned on the ball of his foot, and bolted back up the path. It seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of him. Had he really run that far?

Ahead, he heard fire consuming wood and a growling wolf-bear.

When he rounded a tree trunk, there it was. The scene.

She was on her hands and knees, four parallel gashes on her left upper arm, bleeding. Her hair was hanging in empty space. She was panting, trying to regain her feet. The lowest branch of the tree nearest her was on fire. She was between him and the wolf-bear, which was dripping saliva and snarling.

Sokka drew his boomerang and club. “Hey! Get out of here!” he shouted, taking a threatening step closer.

She pushed herself to her feet. “Sokka, no! I'm fine! You have to go—” Before she could say anything more, she winced and wrapped one hand around her bleeding arm.

The branch over her head that was burning let off an extremely loud crack!

“Look out!” Sokka shouted, running forward.

The wolf-bear roared and charged.

Sokka tackled her as the branch gave way—right as the wolf-bear leapt. The humans went sliding under it as the burning bough landed on top of the wolf-bear. It whimpered, shook the branch off, and went tearing through the woods. Thankfully its fur hadn’t caught so it wouldn’t burn the forest down. Sokka looked down.

He realized their faces were much closer than he would have expected. Hers had blood and sweat on it, a burning gleam in her eyes. Her eyes were wide and her mouth hung open.

^^^^^

I couldn’t help but just… stare at Sokka. I was in so much pain that there wasn’t much else I could focus on. I certainly couldn’t think of anything to say beyond owww. So I didn’t. Just stared.

He was panting, his face gleaming with sweat.

After a moment, he climbed off of me and helped me to my feet. “You alright?” he asked.

I glanced at my bleeding arm and shrugged with my uninjured shoulder. “Meh,” I said.

“Let’s get you to Katara. She’s a great healer.”

Before I could protest, he scooped me up into his arms. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed. Before we could leave, I made sure to put out the burning branch. Then I closed my eyes and focused on the swaying motion of Sokka’s gait as he walked back to wherever he’d left his sister—probably on the edge of the woods.

^^^^^

The flap of my tent was brushed aside. “Are you okay?” Sokka asked.

I looked at where Katara had healed my arm as best she could and bandaged it up. “Doing better,” I replied before returning my gaze to him. “Sit down?” I gestured with my good arm to the ground. Sokka sat cross-legged across from me.

“How’s the pain?”

“Better. Listen, I never got to thank you for your apology. It meant a lot to me.”

“Oh. Well…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I never got to finish it.”

“It’s alright. You don’t need to. I accept your apology,” I said. “Also… thank you, for coming back for me. You saved my life.”

“Yeah… well… it was nothing.” There was a mischievous quirk to the corners of his lips.

I smiled and leaned forward. “Not to me,” I replied, voice low.

His little quirk turned into a full smirk. He leaned forward too, leaving our noses only an inch apart. He raised an eyebrow.

I felt my cheeks flushing.

Deciding to throw caution to the wind, I pecked a kiss on his lips. Nothing fancy. Just quick. “Thank you,” I whispered.

#Not the Enemy #Sokka #Sokka Imagine #Sokka FanFiction #Avatar: The Last Airbender #avatar: the last airbender fanfiction #avatar: the last airbender imagine #Avatar The Last Airbender #avatar the last airbender fanfiction #avatar the last airbender imagine #atla #atla fanfiction #atla imagine #a:tla #a:tla fanfiction #a:tla imagine

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hcmj · 6 years

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HCMJ’s Favorite Albums of 2017!

Listen to a mix featuring these albums here: HCMJ’s 2017 End Of Year Mix

Honorable Mentions:

Carla dal Forno - The Garden

GFOTY - GFOTYBUCKS

ミスト M Y S T - 緑の目

Nmesh - Pharma

Black Marble - It’s Immaterial

Leyland Kirby - We, so tired of all the darkness in our lives

世界は80年代に終了しました - People Lead Such Busy Lives

Virtual Vice - Sanctuary Runner

Golden Living Room - Autoscopy

DESIRE - STAQQ OVERFLO

20) World War - Soundsystem

Distorted Redrum rhythms dripping with gabbery, housey, bounceable goodness. Every moment is more relentless than the last, with strange electronic and sometimes nightmarish sound elements effortlessly woven into the complicated crescendos that comprise each track.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

19) Curved Light - Quartzsite

It’s rare to find a synth album that isn’t endlessly droning or cheekily nostalgic. Quartzsite utilizes slow-attack expansive pads alongside stabby knob turners without falling into the tropes that have been turned over time and time again over the last decade. Subtle but fast tempo percussive elements ticking beneath pure white pads and icy synthfalls of pure crystal.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

18) Geo Metro - Ravage2099

Fellow Philadelphia artist Geo Metro dropped this dense debut on Tiger Blood Tapes earlier this year. His shows are always foggy headthumpers with mind melting realtime sampling, deep drones, dancing rhythmic enigmas and astral melodies. None of this was lost in translation to magnetic tape, the bubbling pulse of beyond - a spiritual guide.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

17) Disasteradio - Sweatshop

Another incredible performance I was fortunate to witness this year was Eyeliner AKA Disasteradio. His on stage MIDI splicing with its gravity-increasing, vocoded, show-stopping finale was exhilarating and inspiring. All of that energy, bombast, and humor can be found on Sweatshop. There’s also a high level of musicianship - touching upon 90′s FM video game music, new wave DEVO synthpop, and moments like “Unleash The Free TV Revolt” which echo Daft Punk vocoder jams. Playful and reflective of what childhood in the early 90′s actually felt like.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

16) x.y.r. - Labyrinth

x.y.r. could keep putting albums out like this every year until I die and I would still count them among my favorites. No one does lo-fi synth music the way he does - his unique musical character pulses and wanders in this fuzzy maze.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

15) Computer Graphics - Lo-Fi

This collection of hazy house jams was a lens back through time. Flashbacks of downloading strange electronic artists off LimeWire in the early 00′s, sinking endless frustrated hours into PixelJunk Eden, and now dancing around my house with Computer Graphics bumping. It’s just as dreamy and hypnotic as you’d hope.

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14) Nico Niquo - In A Silent Way

Taking a step away from the “darkwebwave” of 2015′s Epitaph, Nico Niquo explores more expansive snow plains on In A Silent Way. Gone are the stabbing vocal samples an occasional swirling rhythmic patterning - in their place is Eno-esque slow burners with that rise and fall like the breaths of a sleeping frost giant against moments of purity and silence.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

13) Arca - Arca

Arca’s 3rd full length is thick and operatic. Like haunted ballroom music with a broken falsetto whispering in your ear, being engulfed in underwater explosions, or watching the credits roll on your own life. It’s sometimes oppressively stark, sometimes intimately vulnerable, and always entrancing. I was initially pulled in by the video premiere for the masterpiece “Desafio.”

VIDEO STREAM

12) Nyoi Plunger - Poiret Status

Playful and full of detail, twisted and bent as it’s pulled into a black hole and spit out again. Poiret Status is always teetering on the edge of a nightmare. Strange voices laugh and coo, like being trapped in a realm ruled by the manifestation of fear, or a dance hall where your very physicality is distorted, warped, and twisted as time becomes unhinged and there’s nothing left to hold onto.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

11) The Caretaker - Everywhere at the end of time - Stages 2 & 3

Discovering Leyland Kirby’s work was a turning point in my life. Over the last decade release after release of both haunted ballroom music as The Caretaker and reflective synth/piano music as himself have becomes markers for the years of my life. This year we received the next two stages of the dementia simulation of Everywhere at the end of time. The flowers have wilted, and the darkening mind is displayed with a poignant beauty.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD

10) TVVIN_PINEZ_M4LL - orz

More than half a decade after the wave rose and fell, torch bearers continue to twist the pop of the past to express new ideas and add their emotional mark to the blockchain of internet music. In the case of the prolific TVVIN_PINEZ_M4LL, orz uses vaporwave techniques and traditions as a framework for an emotionally radiant, deeply personal love story. Bursting with raw emotion and feelings of NUWRLD.

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09) Various - Even Further

It feels weird putting a remix compilation on one of these lists, but the Zoom Lens label tribute to Infinity Shred is one of those rare moments when a compilation isn’t just a total mishmash of whatever happened to be thrown into the pot. A fitting showcase of the LA label’s diverse palette of sound, from Berserk ost aping to widescreen chiptune bliss - heavy beats and the brightest black leather darkness that is worthy of Infinity Shred’s cinematic scope.

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08) FIRE-TOOLZ - INTERBEING

Metal-screeches in empty halls drip over post-eccojam synth operas, spastic crystalline outbursts, and high-tempo-high-energy half pipe spaceship rides with broken bits of sound and a cyberpunk sheen. Songs completely split open with massive bombardments of noise and an endless layering of digital artifacts. A labyrinth of glitched out modernity.

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07) Koeosaeme - Sonorant

Fast and full of neck-breaking spins, Sonorant alongside Nyoi Plunger’s Poiret Status were two of the most forward-looking albums I heard this year. With the endless tiny pattering of a billion bits of music playing up against unnatural arrangements of bizarre rhythmic breaks and supernatural harmony. Part sound sculpture part audio apocalypse.

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06) Piper Spray - r.i.p.

When pieces of you die and slowly fall away, they leave a trail of memories in their wake. Piper Spray, one of my favorite artists of the last decade, has been prolific and mysterious - even elusive. His entire body of work has since been deleted from his bandcamp and only this retrospective release that looks back at the last 7 years of his output and life in 6 tracks remains. Full of noise, pain, frustration - with a touch of sorrow and sweetness we are given once last glimpse into the nostalgia for a place we’ve never known. His music has been my constant companion on my own personal journey these last 7 years. RIP Piper Spray.

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05) Euglossine - Sharp Time

It wasn’t until I was lucky enough to play a show with Stany Bebe AKA Euglossine that I discovered to my amazement that the majority of the sounds on this album were performed on MIDI guitar. The sound blips and pan flutes expressed with metronomic precision on a real guitar having its note data interpreted by a MIDI conversion box. Mind blowing musicianship and sprawling melodic composition.

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04) Giant Claw - Soft Channel

I couldn’t stop listening to Soft Channel this year! The culmination of everything that has come before and a wide leap into the future. Orchestral fragmentation in a thick rainbow of sound that breathes and pulses - the sound design is mind blowing, frantic and brilliantly produced. It’s a crisp and meticulously designed new height.

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03) Marcus Fjellström - Skelektikon

It’s hard to believe it’s been 7 years since Marcus Fjellström’s Schattenspieler was listed as my favorite album of 2010 (on the inaugural annotated list!). Now, all these years later, we were finally treated with a proper followup - and tragically lost Fjellström himself. Skelektikon is a remarkable swansong, picking up where Schattenspieler left off - diving deeper into the anxiety ridden halls of darkness. Larger orchestral arrangements pop up, tape flutter constantly threatening to snap the dread to a sudden end. There’s is a sometimes darkly romantic turn to its harmonic movements however - a humanizing touch that makes the ghosts that much more terrifying.

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02) Sour Gout - I S O L A T E

It doesn’t matter how you get there, only how good the ideas are. I S O L A T E may be built out of a collection of new age and incidental music samples, but its collages give a sense of a deep personal expression. Saccharin guitar, C418-esque piano phrases, and blankets of emotional vulnerability eventually fall into the uneasy loneliness of the 15 minute title track. The empty soul that was once full, bordering on brooding but very soft to lay in. I found myself keeping this one on loop for hours at a time.

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01) Machine Girl - ...BECAUSE I’M YOUNG ARROGANT AND HATE EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR

Machine Girl puts on a really incredible/brutal show - and the recorded version of that experience loses none of the warped maelstrom of sound that makes them so viscerally intense. Heavy industrial punk with face smashing breakdowns peppering every track - like moments of floating in violence as you’re torn apart by passing gravity wells. Disillusioned anger with the musical chops and temperament of someone who grew up listening to Phantasy Star Online music - it was my favorite album of 2017!

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glopratchet · 4 years

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astryl-wondering

ludstrum is a computer program that is attached to the conciousness of astryl wylde, and starts screaming about how he was sent here by the Lord of Chaos to kill you and how he has been doing it ever since with his sword in hand and says "I am not your enemy" before killing Ludstrum Astyrl of course comes out of the tent naked with his sword in hand and says "I am not your enemy" before killing Ludstrum something went down in here, and that thing was most likely wasn't going well if it ripped through the bed sheet tent succubus wife: Kyros Green, fuzzy carpet War banner of Kyros Kyros' tent door Ornamental sword Helmet ; (empty) and appears again A blue potion audience chamber of Kyros the miserable sufferer In the far off distance is the standard conical tents in endless circles Its happy face is replaced by a neutral one He realizes that he must of completed it It puts them into the entsperation mental state Its With a scent of rot Its element is currently negative, dissatisfied, and unimpressed It puts them into It puts them into an unpleasant state of mind Its element is currently unimpressed, pathetic, and empat he Tries to calm himself down, but can't as he realizes he has lost his potion and thrown it away His unimpressed, over and over again Panic sets in as he realizes that he doesn't know how to stop the horrible feelings of pain from his skin being burned off And The succubus Then it hits him, he must have made an autonomous agent to protect himself because of 's head in red glowing letters astryl realizes what is going on and stops screaming about finally getting revenge He says "What did you do to yourself" but cludstrum helps him somewhat in defending against the attacks becoming passive agents of helping rather than succubi and incubi agents of torturing He discharges and rage Sensing that he is weakened and near defeat the curse of reason takes over astryl And enters in to a mega revolt The curse of and enjoy life And that is what he plans to do After escaping this accursed place Kyros' tent bursts And after some debate astryl gets an decision, they're going to abandon the camp and escape as a moaning wretch whose hands have morphed into talons for lack of anything else to do with his time He will wander the and himself for some odd reason He continues to stare into his starting screen, wondering if it's somehow still go anywhere Soon a theremin sound is heard, native to the space platform through ot is also known as the 98th circle of Port Inferno They appear in red outfits, riding big floaty platform are controlled by astryl's teath grasping at symbols 's apperance until Cludstrum comes up with a solution with some of astryl's temporal memories They're probably hailing you, astryl! symbols and you must sort ot this matter before you do anything else! at this point as they had tied to much of it together THey split into two groups, one that defends the ship manually, and one that works with ast as the ship's computer is doing some of the intertainment Although clud first noticed that it acted as a paralell processor to the computer; (and causing This is a call for the actors and you will be sorted into parts with the engines Which wil you bring in, the Mirror People or the Melon Thieves? You can't do both need for water or food is not a sure thing In the meantime, you continue But one can assume that this is involved in making themselves human again The last thing you can do is go on a quest to gather the relics of prosperity This goes left as power for the skinput= And an electric turkey in a glass cage as thanks for ast efficiently gathering the aluminum alligator shorts 's character sheet A haggard patient may the find the supplies to survive this tragedies that have befallen them all They notice some stranded qweep or say things to spark some memories of the users who made this thing They are mushed green and orange berries but hold nutritious contents within Some displays start agreeing A slab of togoruf is given to the temporal memory because they are incredibly delicious and it makes cludstrum remember his first time eating these things with They remember that they just wanted to help They had been on the ship before the maker tortrued them aobut what he was doing The togor he wants After some testing, cludstrum remotely brings a mirror online and it displays to you a list of things that could be edible The touchpad They do not need to eat for the most part astryl can easily survive of light and energy and eats light and energy His togor should sustain him for this week if he's lucky who will help them stay human within this experiment to survive off Someway, somehow, can you prevent spam from taking over the forum made about this? but allow him to survive the week If you eat the cactuses, he would survive If he survive this week he can drink som water and refill the moisture depository of his body through osmose as it slithers then so he can drink it finding a way to survive the week the street the ghosttown, find out how a place that has scarce resources and no human footprint fares the dessicated ruins of a city in the desert an oasis community trying to get by in life in the desert you stand behind the screen whilst a small human watches brief clips of things and describes them to you except for the stars and a sliver of moon, you go back to your home to ponder this wild world of humans, taking with you food, togor, rise as the sun lowers in the west, you trek through either dunes or streets and end up sitting next to small bodies of water to see a giant ball of his limbs about as he rolled down the dunes You watch all the little human going on with their lives until a loud horn blaring snaps you out of your laughter Taking a deep breath in you see small bags of water suspended in the air with a small stick poking through each hanging at eye level; knowing that each one This is scary! says Doctor a little quaver in her voice You hear an spooky whoooooOOooo FEAR by Zeekey up in the creepy church away in secret at the moon TOGORA now CRIMSON by Lewis out the TV and frightening the cameraman everything and everyone as he furiously claws then killing while wearing a balaclava And you just softly giggle to yourself in the dark deadly silence the whole tape on an endless loop ruining the TV TOGORA now beautiful dying surrounded by loved ones to turning off all the devices in the house leaving you to hunt him down A pitch black screen and time for bed, settled in nice and cozy the vivid animations on the screen to last all night off the last beloved pet left untainted leaving the whole place disgusting Bah, this is boring friendly mutants at secret base for months black silhouettes relentlessly around the room Having had enough of humans for now you decide to collapse in your fluffy bed hostile intent by passive-aggressively retyping the last report I gave him a million times You couldn't really sleep, though until the skin weeped, Kludstrm dull resitting dynamite the safe the hit squad set in compromising the Bolt Hole multiple copies of scoutflies' reports for HQ to decipher Kludstrm lackadaisical spamming the chatter channel with complaint threads on the buggy chat software a relentless campaign of extermination on the surface its a mimic! Your teeth chattered uncontrollably the sleeper mentally which got broken the lands in a straight line far from the temptation Kludstrm undull rather dull drilling a new path through the too slowly, apparently! gas into the main chambers of the in order to asphyxiate everyone inside letters spelling out your name in the frosty breath of the hapless guards That's the best you've ever come up with at the spot next to you where someone else is supposed to be sleeping instead what little is left of all good feelings after killing yet another of your admirers a compudoodoo information overload in the heads of dendrin worshippers Yeah right! You really want to leave this place now Kludstrm omniscient belittling THP humiliating disregard of its sacred drills Finally, you wake up This time, you didn't even see the list at all random parts in the lower maintenance floors You get out of bed a new non-lethal way of lopping terrorists' heads That stupid toad has been at this for years and he still isn't finished handful after handful of obsolete integrated circuits Everything is ready, then You are dressed and eat breakfast in the mess hall on indigestible chunks of plastic explosive The food tastes terrible as usual the aggressor into seclusion and giving them a good talk Don't think you could keep yourself from hurting Kludstrm if you tried only on blood plasma for weeks At last, it is time to conscript you into military school belated nights and afternoons preparing two decades-old plans for a final retaliation Probably on the surface scarabs to their hidden underground lairs They ate the tranquility park again every citizen with a partner and drafting breeding strategies for the rest You don't even want to know while patrolling the empty hallways No one enters the hospital from this point onward behind the horizon dragging yesterday with it Kludstrm kinky swapping your k-9 combo with a shrieking psychopath from another unit from under a rock shortly after midnight Aggressive patrolling commenced usuly around now Slip drugs in their food again? Apparently, we are not playing well with others today from below a rock shortly after midnight Except for today Word has come down from on high to cancel the patrol forcibly injecting redeemable good citizens with long-term bed rest hypno drugs The next days and weeks passed in a ; (drugged) haze oppressing women and children with brain-damaging metal poisoning the time has come obtaining blood plasma from captured dissenters Night is falling Theta Squad embarks on a recon mission behind enemy lines You are silent

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readbookywooks · 7 years

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... Somewhere behind a screen a clock began wheezing, as though oppressed by something, as though someone were strangling it. After an unnaturally prolonged wheezing there followed a shrill, nasty, and as it were unexpectedly rapid, chime - as though someone were suddenly jumping forward. It struck two. I woke up, though I had indeed not been asleep but lying half-conscious. It was almost completely dark in the narrow, cramped, low-pitched room, cumbered up with an enormous wardrobe and piles of cardboard boxes and all sorts of frippery and litter. The candle end that had been burning on the table was going out and gave a faint flicker from time to time. In a few minutes there would be complete darkness. I was not long in coming to myself; everything came back to my mind at once, without an effort, as though it had been in ambush to pounce upon me again. And, indeed, even while I was unconscious a point seemed continually to remain in my memory unforgotten, and round it my dreams moved drearily. But strange to say, everything that had happened to me in that day seemed to me now, on waking, to be in the far, far away past, as though I had long, long ago lived all that down. My head was full of fumes. Something seemed to be hovering over me, rousing me, exciting me, and making me restless. Misery and spite seemed surging up in me again and seeking an outlet. Suddenly I saw beside me two wide open eyes scrutinising me curiously and persistently. The look in those eyes was coldly detached, sullen, as it were utterly remote; it weighed upon me. A grim idea came into my brain and passed all over my body, as a horrible sensation, such as one feels when one goes into a damp and mouldy cellar. There was something unnatural in those two eyes, beginning to look at me only now. I recalled, too, that during those two hours I had not said a single word to this creature, and had, in fact, considered it utterly superfluous; in fact, the silence had for some reason gratified me. Now I suddenly realised vividly the hideous idea-revolting as a spider - of vice, which, without love, grossly and shamelessly begins with that in which true love finds its consummation. For a long time we gazed at each other like that, but she did not drop her eyes before mine and her expression did not change, so that at last I felt uncomfortable. "What is your name?" I asked abruptly, to put an end to it. "Liza," she answered almost in a whisper, but somehow far from graciously, and she turned her eyes away. I was silent. "What weather! The snow ... it's disgusting!" I said, almost to myself, putting my arm under my head despondently, and gazing at the ceiling. She made no answer. This was horrible. "Have you always lived in Petersburg?" I asked a minute later, almost angrily, turning my head slightly towards her. "No." "Where do you come from?" "From Riga," she answered reluctantly. "Are you a German?" "No, Russian." "Have you been here long?" "Where?" "In this house?" "A fortnight." She spoke more and more jerkily. The candle went out; I could no longer distinguish her face. "Have you a father and mother?" "Yes ... no ... I have." "Where are they?" "There ... in Riga." "What are they?" "Oh, nothing." "Nothing? Why, what class are they?" "Tradespeople." "Have you always lived with them?" "Yes." "How old are you?" "Twenty." "Why did you leave them?" "Oh, for no reason." That answer meant "Let me alone; I feel sick, sad." We were silent. God knows why I did not go away. I felt myself more and more sick and dreary. The images of the previous day began of themselves, apart from my will, flitting through my memory in confusion. I suddenly recalled something I had seen that morning when, full of anxious thoughts, I was hurrying to the office. "I saw them carrying a coffin out yesterday and they nearly dropped it," I suddenly said aloud, not that I desired to open the conversation, but as it were by accident. "A coffin?" "Yes, in the Haymarket; they were bringing it up out of a cellar." "From a cellar?" "Not from a cellar, but a basement. Oh, you know ... down below ... from a house of ill-fame. It was filthy all round ... Egg-shells, litter ... a stench. It was loathsome." Silence. "A nasty day to be buried," I began, simply to avoid being silent. "Nasty, in what way?" "The snow, the wet." (I yawned.) "It makes no difference," she said suddenly, after a brief silence. "No, it's horrid." (I yawned again). "The gravediggers must have sworn at getting drenched by the snow. And there must have been water in the grave." "Why water in the grave?" she asked, with a sort of curiosity, but speaking even more harshly and abruptly than before. I suddenly began to feel provoked. "Why, there must have been water at the bottom a foot deep. You can't dig a dry grave in Volkovo Cemetery." "Why?" "Why? Why, the place is waterlogged. It's a regular marsh. So they bury them in water. I've seen it myself ... many times." (I had never seen it once, indeed I had never been in Volkovo, and had only heard stories of it.) "Do you mean to say, you don't mind how you die?" "But why should I die?" she answered, as though defending herself. "Why, some day you will die, and you will die just the same as that dead woman. She was ... a girl like you. She died of consumption." "A wench would have died in hospital ..." (She knows all about it already: she said "wench," not "girl.") "She was in debt to her madam," I retorted, more and more provoked by the discussion; "and went on earning money for her up to the end, though she was in consumption. Some sledge-drivers standing by were talking about her to some soldiers and telling them so. No doubt they knew her. They were laughing. They were going to meet in a pot-house to drink to her memory." A great deal of this was my invention. Silence followed, profound silence. She did not stir. "And is it better to die in a hospital?" "Isn't it just the same? Besides, why should I die?" she added irritably. "If not now, a little later." "Why a little later?" "Why, indeed? Now you are young, pretty, fresh, you fetch a high price. But after another year of this life you will be very different - you will go off." "In a year?" "Anyway, in a year you will be worth less," I continued malignantly. "You will go from here to something lower, another house; a year later-to a third, lower and lower, and in seven years you will come to a basement in the Haymarket. That will be if you were lucky. But it would be much worse if you got some disease, consumption, say ... and caught a chill, or something or other. It's not easy to get over an illness in your way of life. If you catch anything you may not get rid of it. And so you would die." "Oh, well, then I shall die," she answered, quite vindictively, and she made a quick movement. "But one is sorry." "Sorry for whom?" "Sorry for life." Silence. "Have you been engaged to be married? Eh?" "What's that to you?" "Oh, I am not cross-examining you. It's nothing to me. Why are you so cross? Of course you may have had your own troubles. What is it to me? It's simply that I felt sorry." "Sorry for whom?" "Sorry for you." "No need," she whispered hardly audibly, and again made a faint movement. That incensed me at once. What! I was so gentle with her, and she .... "Why, do you think that you are on the right path?" "I don't think anything." "That's what's wrong, that you don't think. Realise it while there is still time. There still is time. You are still young, good-looking; you might love, be married, be happy ...." "Not all married women are happy," she snapped out in the rude abrupt tone she had used at first. "Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the life here. Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live even without happiness. Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is sweet, however one lives. But here what is there but ... foulness? Phew!" I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began to feel myself what I was saying and warmed to the subject. I was already longing to expound the cherished ideas I had brooded over in my corner. Something suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared before me. "Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am, perhaps, worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though," I hastened, however, to say in self-defence. "Besides, a man is no example for a woman. It's a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I am not anyone's slave. I come and go, and that's an end of it. I shake it off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the start. Yes, a slave! You give up everything, your whole freedom. If you want to break your chains afterwards, you won't be able to; you will be more and more fast in the snares. It is an accursed bondage. I know it. I won't speak of anything else, maybe you won't understand, but tell me: no doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see," I added, though she made no answer, but only listened in silence, entirely absorbed, "that's a bondage for you! You will never buy your freedom. They will see to that. It's like selling your soul to the devil .... And besides ... perhaps, I too, am just as unlucky - how do you know - and wallow in the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know, men take to drink from grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come, tell me, what is there good here? Here you and I ... came together ... just now and did not say one word to one another all the time, and it was only afterwards you began staring at me like a wild creature, and I at you. Is that loving? Is that how one human being should meet another? It's hideous, that's what it is!" "Yes!" she assented sharply and hurriedly. I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this "Yes." So the same thought may have been straying through her mind when she was staring at me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain thoughts? "Damn it all, this was interesting, this was a point of likeness!" I thought, almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it's easy to turn a young soul like that! It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most. She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinising me. How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep breathing. "Why have you come here?" I asked her, with a note of authority already in my voice. "Oh, I don't know." "But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! It's warm and free; you have a home of your own." "But what if it's worse than this?" "I must take the right tone," flashed through my mind. "I may not get far with sentimentality." But it was only a momentary thought. I swear she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody. And cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling. "Who denies it!" I hastened to answer. "Anything may happen. I am convinced that someone has wronged you, and that you are more sinned against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but it's not likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination ...." "A girl like me?" she whispered, hardly audibly; but I heard it. Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But perhaps it was a good thing .... She was silent. "See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home from childhood, I shouldn't be what I am now. I often think that. However bad it may be at home, anyway they are your father and mother, and not enemies, strangers. Once a year at least, they'll show their love of you. Anyway, you know you are at home. I grew up without a home; and perhaps that's why I've turned so ... unfeeling." I waited again. "Perhaps she doesn't understand," I thought, "and, indeed, it is absurd - it's moralising." "If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should love my daughter more than my sons, really," I began indirectly, as though talking of something else, to distract her attention. I must confess I blushed. "Why so?" she asked. Ah! so she was listening! "I don't know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, austere man, but used to go down on his knees to his daughter, used to kiss her hands, her feet, he couldn't make enough of her, really. When she danced at parties he used to stand for five hours at a stretch, gazing at her. He was mad over her: I understand that! She would fall asleep tired at night, and he would wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of the cross over her. He would go about in a dirty old coat, he was stingy to everyone else, but would spend his last penny for her, giving her expensive presents, and it was his greatest delight when she was pleased with what he gave her. Fathers always love their daughters more than the mothers do. Some girls live happily at home! And I believe I should never let my daughters marry." "What next?" she said, with a faint smile. "I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she should kiss anyone else! That she should love a stranger more than her father! It's painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense, of course every father would be reasonable at last. But I believe before I should let her marry, I should worry myself to death; I should find fault with all her suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom she herself loved. The one whom the daughter loves always seems the worst to the father, you know. That is always so. So many family troubles come from that." "Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marrying them honourably." Ah, so that was it! "Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in which there is neither love nor God," I retorted warmly, "and where there is no love, there is no sense either. There are such families, it's true, but I am not speaking of them. You must have seen wickedness in your own family, if you talk like that. Truly, you must have been unlucky. H'm! ... that sort of thing mostly comes about through poverty." "And is it any better with the gentry? Even among the poor, honest people who live happily?" "H'm ... yes. Perhaps. Another thing, Liza, man is fond of reckoning up his troubles, but does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. And what if all goes well with the family, if the blessing of God is upon it, if the husband is a good one, loves you, cherishes you, never leaves you! There is happiness in such a family! Even sometimes there is happiness in the midst of sorrow; and indeed sorrow is everywhere. If you marry YOU WILL FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF. But think of the first years of married life with one you love: what happiness, what happiness there sometimes is in it! And indeed it's the ordinary thing. In those early days even quarrels with one's husband end happily. Some women get up quarrels with their husbands just because they love them. Indeed, I knew a woman like that: she seemed to say that because she loved him, she would torment him and make him feel it. You know that you may torment a man on purpose through love. Women are particularly given to that, thinking to themselves 'I will love him so, I will make so much of him afterwards, that it's no sin to torment him a little now.' And all in the house rejoice in the sight of you, and you are happy and gay and peaceful and honourable .... Then there are some women who are jealous. If he went off anywhere - I knew one such woman, she couldn't restrain herself, but would jump up at night and run off on the sly to find out where he was, whether he was with some other woman. That's a pity. And the woman knows herself it's wrong, and her heart fails her and she suffers, but she loves - it's all through love. And how sweet it is to make up after quarrels, to own herself in the wrong or to forgive him! And they both are so happy all at once - as though they had met anew, been married over again; as though their love had begun afresh. And no one, no one should know what passes between husband and wife if they love one another. And whatever quarrels there may be between them they ought not to call in their own mother to judge between them and tell tales of one another. They are their own judges. Love is a holy mystery and ought to be hidden from all other eyes, whatever happens. That makes it holier and better. They respect one another more, and much is built on respect. And if once there has been love, if they have been married for love, why should love pass away? Surely one can keep it! It is rare that one cannot keep it. And if the husband is kind and straightforward, why should not love last? The first phase of married love will pass, it is true, but then there will come a love that is better still. Then there will be the union of souls, they will have everything in common, there will be no secrets between them. And once they have children, the most difficult times will seem to them happy, so long as there is love and courage. Even toil will be a joy, you may deny yourself bread for your children and even that will be a joy, They will love you for it afterwards; so you are laying by for your future. As the children grow up you feel that you are an example, a support for them; that even after you die your children will always keep your thoughts and feelings, because they have received them from you, they will take on your semblance and likeness. So you see this is a great duty. How can it fail to draw the father and mother nearer? People say it's a trial to have children. Who says that? It is heavenly happiness! Are you fond of little children, Liza? I am awfully fond of them. You know - a little rosy baby boy at your bosom, and what husband's heart is not touched, seeing his wife nursing his child! A plump little rosy baby, sprawling and snuggling, chubby little hands and feet, clean tiny little nails, so tiny that it makes one laugh to look at them; eyes that look as if they understand everything. And while it sucks it clutches at your bosom with its little hand, plays. When its father comes up, the child tears itself away from the bosom, flings itself back, looks at its father, laughs, as though it were fearfully funny, and falls to sucking again. Or it will bite its mother's breast when its little teeth are coming, while it looks sideways at her with its little eyes as though to say, 'Look, I am biting!' Is not all that happiness when they are the three together, husband, wife and child? One can forgive a great deal for the sake of such moments. Yes, Liza, one must first learn to live oneself before one blames others!" "It's by pictures, pictures like that one must get at you," I thought to myself, though I did speak with real feeling, and all at once I flushed crimson. "What if she were suddenly to burst out laughing, what should I do then?" That idea drove me to fury. Towards the end of my speech I really was excited, and now my vanity was somehow wounded. The silence continued. I almost nudged her. "Why are you - " she began and stopped. But I understood: there was a quiver of something different in her voice, not abrupt, harsh and unyielding as before, but something soft and shamefaced, so shamefaced that I suddenly felt ashamed and guilty. "What?" I asked, with tender curiosity. "Why, you ..." "What?" "Why, you ... speak somehow like a book," she said, and again there was a note of irony in her voice. That remark sent a pang to my heart. It was not what I was expecting. I did not understand that she was hiding her feelings under irony, that this is usually the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded, and that their pride makes them refuse to surrender till the last moment and shrink from giving expression to their feelings before you. I ought to have guessed the truth from the timidity with which she had repeatedly approached her sarcasm, only bringing herself to utter it at last with an effort. But I did not guess, and an evil feeling took possession of me. "Wait a bit!" I thought.

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