#i always make sure to tag everything esc related (for the mental health of my american mutuals alone)

[smute]

As a German, do you feel like most of the public supports Palestine or Israel? Because from what I see many of the politicians support the Zionist cause so I wonder if the common people share the same sentiments

you're basically asking me which team i think the majority are rooting for but last time i checked this wasn't a sports match. i honestly wouldn't even know where to begin to explain my views on this war to you. however, in case it was a good faith question:

recent polls show that a majority of germans disapprove of the idf's course of action in light of the many civilian deaths. as a german, my impression is that the VAST majority of people are nothing short of horrified by the suffering of palestinians in gaza and only interested in a non-violent resolution that will bring lasting peace. same as the rest of the world. most germans either disapprove of or openly criticize ANY involvement in armed conflict (ukraine being a notable exception), and the vast majority of people (in fact, the majority of the entire world) condemn israeli settlement policy (that includes german politicians across the spectrum) – in fact, just a year ago, a few months before the attack on october 7, the foreign office warned the israeli government of an escalation of the conflict over new settlement laws for the west bank.

that being said, anything bds-adjacent, anything promoting isolation and escalation over dialogue and mutual understanding, any stance that implies or calls outright for the dissolution of the state of israel will be impossibly hard to sell, not just in germany but in the entire west (however you may define that term) and not only because of the historical ties between many israeli jews and the west, but because israel is too valuable an ally in the region. the relationship between israel and germany specifically is of course a very complex one, and it would be naive to assume that german foreign policy re: israel isn't colored by our shared history, but netanyahu's government has long passed the point of what most people here might defend as the limits of a justified reaction to october 7. they also know that hamas aren't resistance fighters. we're beginning to see that public support for israel's security is not unconditional, is my point. the polls i linked above show that the majority of people (87%) want to put more pressure on the israeli government to guarantee access to humanitarian aid for civilians in gaza, and this was in march

#anyway thank you for being civil #but im turning anon asks off now #this shit hasn't been pretty #one last thing: this anon didnt #but most of the others mentioned the eurovision boycott #so let me just say #if you think it's gonna make a meaningful difference #or if you feel like you cant enjoy it in good conscience #i respect your decision to boycott the event #you're welcome to unfollow me or block the tag: #eurovision #i always make sure to tag everything esc related (for the mental health of my american mutuals alone) #call me a starry-eyed idealist or whatever #but this contest started out as a peace project and to me it will always be one #i look at it as keeping one channel of communication open #yes its cheesy and im probably being naive #but these are singers who won some cringe ass competition and now get to celebrate the european spirit for a week #in the end we all want the same thing #thatse it. #ask #anon #actually pinning this for the next show tonight

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Self Para 003: Bring All That You're Scared To Defend TWs: Mental Health (and discussions involving BPD. Ches and Zander both discuss things like how chronic emptiness feels, among other things, but it’s sort of in a more clinical “trying to explain” esc way), Violence (metaphorical / mentioned in discussions), suffocation (metaphorical, in a brief inter-thought context) Word Count: 3,203 Setting: Zander’s room, after game night (and then the cafeteria in the second scene) Notes: It’s about fucking time, Alekzander. If anyone needs me to tag further, let me know and I will immediately!

Maybe it was weird for Zander to wait around near Elliot and Chris’s room for Ches to come out, but he needed to talk to her desperately. She was the only person who seemed to understand him when he was like this, the only one who knew how to help him when he couldn’t even begin to figure out how to sort his thoughts and feelings. He knew Elliot hated him, he knew that neither of them had any reason to trust him at this point, but he needed Ches.

It was almost like she was oxygen, she kept him alive, and right now if he didn’t get a breath of air soon he was going to suffocate to death.

He can’t help the way his head shoots up when he hears the door open and the click of her heels on the hallway floor. “Ches, we need to talk.” He says immediately, and there’s something almost like a deer in a headlight. For a moment, he’s not sure how she’ll react, but after the initial surprise seems to fade, concern crosses her features. As if she knew how close to going off the rails he was at the moment.

“Come on, let’s go to your room,” Ches suggests, not giving him much time to answer before she starts heading in that direction, and he follows. She wasn’t wrong, he didn’t want to do this in the hall. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to do this at all, but he couldn’t stop thinking about game night. The way he’d reacted when someone even suggested there was a possibility that Ches could ever be the answer to a riddle, the way it’d immediately set the tone to him being against Gemma the rest of the night. The girl being devalued right before his eyes for simply implying that there was even the slightest possibility that someone could even consider that Ches was capable of messing with the plane. The way it’d set him off the rest of the night.

Zander had asked Elliot to ask his father about borderline personality disorder to try to help him with Ches, but the more he’d stewed over the answer, the more he was starting to question if he needed the answer about the favorite person for himself. She holds her hand out for his room key once they reach his dorm and he hands it to her without hesitation. It doesn’t matter if it’s nearly as messy as his mind is at the moment, just like the swirling hurricane of thoughts, he wanted her there as he waited for the eye of the storm to finally approach.

She carefully walks around the legos scattered across the floor, approaching his bed which she sits on the edge of, crossing her legs as he sits beside her. How was he even supposed to start this conversation? Was there a right way to approach it? “I’m glad you came to me if we need to talk.” She says after a few moments of silence. “I’m sorry I asked Elliot to move in with me in front of you.”

Wait, was that what she thought this was about?

“It’s fine.” Actually, it had bothered him. The circle reappearing afterward was actually a relief but it was irrational to be bothered. Elliot had said it best all those months ago, Ches didn’t belong to anyone. He couldn’t control whether or not she moved in with Elliot, and there were certainly worse people she could be shacking up with. “I actually wanted to talk to you about therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“I think something’s wrong with me.” It was hard to confess. “The way I react when it comes to you, my temper, how I feel all the time... this isn’t normal.” Despite the fact he was saying something was wrong, he still couldn’t bring himself to get into everything. Saying he had a problem was bad enough, the thought of going any more in-depth with Ches terrified him this time. But as always, he trusted her to make everything make sense. “How did you know you have BPD?”

It was as if the more he talked, the more concern he noticed on the girl’s expression, an uneasy feeling taking the forefront as he watched the way her face shifts, those green eyes feeling uncomfortable set on him. “It’s complicated?” She says after a few moments as if she’s not exactly quite certain how she knew. “My therapist brought it up to me, and the more I learned about it, the more I realized that he was right. The childhood PTSD diagnosis still stuck but... it was never one of those moments when I woke up and knew something was wrong. I know now, and I look back and I’m aware just how off everything was but...” She reaches out to briefly squeeze his hand, trying to give him a bit of comfort, as if it was clear to her that he needed it at the moment. “If you think there’s something wrong, and you want to see a therapist and figure out what it is, I will support you every step of the way, okay? I know it’s hard to admit that you feel like there’s a problem sometimes.”

She was trying, he knew she was but he can’t help the wave of frustration he feels when it’s apparent she doesn’t completely understand why he’s bringing it up, why he’s asking. “I think I might have it, and I wanted to know if you thought maybe... I don’t want to go to a therapist if it's going to be a waste of time and money.”

“No matter what you end up being diagnosed with, if anything, it’s not going to be a waste of time or money. I think you’d benefit from DBT.” Ches corrects him, without an ounce of hesitation. “I’m not a doctor, I can’t diagnose anyone but we can kind of run through the criteria if you’d like. See if you meet it, if it’d make you feel any better.” She was trying, he knew she was, and despite the fact he wished she’d just give him the answers, he was being irrationally irritated with her for not being able to just give him one glance and tell him yes or not. He knew it wasn’t rational.

“That’d help.” He tells her, at least it’d be better than walking out empty-handed.

“You need to meet at least five of the seven criteria. Chronic feelings of emptiness.” She pulls out her phone as if she needs to double-check the rest of them. “Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment” She glances up at him, considering it for a moment before she continues. “Identity disturbance with unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, but not including self-harm or suicidal impulses.” It’s then she stops as if she’s wary to say what the next item on the list was.

“Ches?”

“Inappropriate, intense anger.” Well, that was why Ches hadn’t wanted to continue. They both were more than aware he dealt with that. “A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation. Recurrent suicidal or self-harming behavior. And, last but not least, stress-related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms.” She puts her phone away now she’s done explaining. “Suppose we should start with chronic feelings of emptiness and work our way down. Is this something you’ve noticed?”

What did that even mean? “Is it like constantly feeling numb?”

“Sometimes. I feel like there’s a gaping hole in my chest when it comes up, hollow. There’s something missing, and-”

“It’s like you’re nothing more than a husk, just going through the motions because it’s what you have to do.” Zander finishes, and maybe he should feel guilty for interrupting. But, there’s something about the way that she looks at him that makes him continue. “There's nothing left inside, and you know it’s wrong, but you don’t know how to fill it so you try to pick a fight because a punch to the face, anger, is better than nothing at all, and you keep trying to fill it no matter what it takes until it’s gone again.”

“I think this counts as a yes.” Ches admits, “but I’m not a doctor. I only know how I feel when it comes up, I don’t know what they’ll consider...” but she was trying, which he supposed was the most he could ask for. “Emotionally instability in reaction to day to day events.” The way she says the words make him think she already has an answer in mind, but she doesn’t say anything more; instead, waiting to see what he’d say.

“Yes.”

“Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment?” The fact Ches doesn’t even hesitate or asks him to explain further only confirms what he thought. She did already have an answer in mind, and it wasn’t even the nice one.

“You don’t want to discuss the last one further?” He grumbles, but wasn’t he only proving her point by getting offended? Fuck. “I hate you, you know that, right?” There's no heat behind his words though, just affection.

“I know, I’m the worst, aren’t I? Whatever are you going to do with me?” Ches smiles for a brief moment at the familiar back and forth. “But you asked me to help, and I need you to answer these for me, okay?”

“I don’t know. I tried to scare off Elliot?” And that was a fairly big part of why he’d disliked Elliot, the fact Ches seemed to lean on him more and more despite the fact he hadn’t seemed like he was even worth the dirt on her shoes, let alone her time. At this point, he was starting to realize he’d been overly harsh on Elliot, but he’d be honest and confess he had gone pretty far in his attempts to keep Ches from leaving and to get rid of Jack to keep Balo from leaving, and he’s not even sure what Ches was saying, but he interrupts whatever the ramble is. “Fuck, yes.

The annoyance that had appeared on her features as he thought about things is replaced with sympathy as she reaches out to squeeze his hand again. “I get it.” She reassures him as if that’d make things any better. He shifts awkwardly, pulling his hand away as the guilt starts to eat at him. He really had tried to run Elliot off just because he didn’t like the idea of having to share her attention, even if she seemed way happier with Elliot than he could remember her being.

“Can we just move onto the next one?” Zander suggests, hoping to move on from Ches being understanding. How many more symptoms were left?

“How’s your self-image?” “Can we come back to this one?”

He didn’t want to discuss this, least of all with Ches. Some things were better kept to himself, and he can’t help but relax when she nods in agreement. “Sure, we can come back to it.” She agrees, “so, impulsive, self-destructive, behavior. God, maybe I should be asking Elliot if his dad could... fuck.”

Zander can’t help but roll his eyes at that. Elliot didn’t even think his dad was a good therapist, and even if he was, he doubted this would go well with anyone but Ches. Mr. Mills didn’t need Zander ripping his head off for asking hard questions, and he was growing more and more agitated already. “You’re doing fine.” He dismisses. “Just Google the definition of this one? I’m not sure what is even counted.”

Ches sighs, but she pulls out his phone and hopefully looks it up, rather than texting Elliot. Maybe he should have googled it himself so she couldn’t go against his wishes on this, but, after a couple of minutes, she sighs. “Oversharing, getting angry to the extent you do, jumping to conclusions, I could go on but...” She hands him her phone, and as he reads it, he realizes she’s right.

“I regret coming to talk to you.” He grumbles as he gives her back her phone. He wasn’t sure what answer he wanted, but it certainly wasn’t this. She was only confirming his growing concern that something was wrong, that he needed to get help, that he needed to address everything that’d happen and try to work through it. “The next one was intense anger, right? Yes. Can we get this over with?”

“Intense and unstable relationships, um, I might need to explain this. It’s-”

“No, I know about this. I had Elliot ask his dad for me, and it’s a yes.” Maybe it was harsh to shut her down, but he didn’t want to get into this with her. It didn’t matter how important Ches was to him, there was no way he could explain the cycle he’d fallen into when it came to her. How he viewed her, how he responded to those thoughts, and he sighs. “What was the criteria, Ches?”

“It doesn’t mean anything, I’m not a therapist, I can’t...” Ches starts to remind him, and that’s when he realizes that he must have met it. Fuck. “Even if you start therapy now, they probably won’t diagnose you for a while. But I think you should talk to a professional. I love you, but, if we’re discussing this... fuck.” She sighs, playing with a strand of her red hair as she rambles. “Promise me, Alekzander.”

There’s something about the way she says it that he doesn’t see how it’d be possible to say no, the concern and passion in her voice as she pleads with him to swear he’d go to therapy bother him. And even if he has the urge to flee, he nods. “I’ll go. But, I’m going to have to call my mom. I’m still on Lance’s insurance...”

“I’ll call Uncle Ben and see if we can figure something out if she says no, he likes you..” God, no, he didn’t want Ches getting involved monetarily. She helped him way too much up to this point, and she’d done more than enough.

“I’ll figure it out, come on, I’ll walk you back to Elliot’s.” Zander gets up, heading to the door before she can protest it. “I assume you were just going to grab food before you two get back to it.”

“We don’t make love that much, not that it’s any of your business.” Ches rolls her eyes. “But it’s okay, I can walk myself back. Just, please call your mother.” Did he offend her? He doesn’t have much time to process it before she’s out of his door and he’s standing next to it with his jaw dropped. Okay, that wasn’t a safe subject, and he lets out an annoyed huff as he shuts the door behind her. Why did he have to call his mother? It wasn’t like she’d care anyway.

Still, he pulls out his phone and calls Cassandra. The sooner he got this over with, the better.  

—

It felt uncommon that Ches was alone in the cafeteria, no Balo, no Elliot, no Sora and Minnie. But, Zander immediately takes the opportunity when he notices her. “I called my mom, and I got a list of covered therapists from the insurance company. I have no fucking clue where to go from here.”

Ches blinks, tilting her head slightly as she examines him. “You call and see if they’re accepting new patients, I’m pretty sure. My dad kind of handled that for me.” Well, it was a better plan than he had at least. Surely someone he’d call would have an idea from there. “You should probably try to aim for a female therapist if possible, though.”

“Does gender matter?” Zander was pretty sure Ches had a male therapist and he was positive it hadn’t mattered either way for Balo. Wasn’t it supposed to be based on skill or something? God, maybe he should have asked Elliot how to find a therapist in hindsight. Ches wasn’t exactly the most qualified choice...

“Not usually, but I don’t think a man would be the best choice considering how you react to them. The only men I have seen you not get into a pissing contest with are Collen and Leo, and... I still don’t know how you and Leo have managed to never get into it. You both have a tendency of punching people when you’re self-destructive.” Okay, now that Ches was explaining, he could understand her point about maybe in this case the gender of the therapist could matter. “I think if you try to start this with a man, you’re going to get even more defensive and aggressive than you would with a woman. I mean, you don’t try to fight me usually, but I’m pretty sure you’d go after Elliot, and he’s objectively a way calmer person.”

“Yeah, well he starts it.” “You and I both know that’s not true.” “Fine, but he doesn’t finish it either.”

Ches just shakes her head at his insistence, at him pretty much proving her point much to his own chagrin. Still, he sighs. “Okay, female therapist if possible.” He agrees, “are you sure you should be an English major? I’m just saying psychology suits you. Could be the superior Dr. Mills.”

“Did you just call me a future Dr. Mills?” Well, he just fucked up now, didn’t he? Ches was never going to let him live this down, and with how much he protested Ches and Elliot whenever they tried to discuss a possibility of forever, he was pretty sure Elliot would take some sort of satisfaction when he undoubtedly heard about the slip from his girlfriend. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who’d feel that way, but I’m glad I was able to help, especially if you’re going to go talk to someone who can-” She cuts off in the middle of a sentence, her green eyes lighting up as a grin crosses her features.

Zander doesn’t even have to glance over his shoulder to know Elliot entered the room. Ches’s sudden excitement might as well have been a neon sign flashing over the man’s head like ‘I exist.’ And he starts to get up, “you really should consider switching majors, Elswood. Just saying.”

“Never going to happen, Zander. I’m happy where I’m at.”

Well, at least he’d suggested it. Despite the urge to double down on his opinion, citing the thought that Elliot would probably agree with him, he decides to leave it for now. She was going to do what she wanted, and he had to find himself a therapist. “I’ll talk to you later, I’ve got some phone calls to make.” He relents.

Actually, maybe he’d text Elliot about it at some point, just to see if he was right.

#location ( lake george ) #yeah that's not who we are; we are not beautiful ( ches | balo ) #make no mistake i live in a prison that i built myself ( self paras ) #mental illness tw #mental health tw #bpd tw #suffocation tw #violence tw #anyway 1/3 of the big self paras posted and 2/3 of them written (I can't post Ches's bc secret related but !!!!) #honestly still like D: it took me so long to finish writing this so I could post it tho