#i am impatient and twitter is a black hole at this hour

[utilitycaster]

Wizard Breakdown Tracker, #135

Each week I think “man it would have been cool if I had thought of this idea, in which I make jokes about how stressed out the wizard NPCs are, during, you know, the Vergesson heist or something when we were interacting with more than one wizard NPC instead of during a dungeon crawl with only one wizard NPC, emphasis on crawl” but you know what, I persevere, because where else am I going to put song parodies about the death of Vess Derogna that are literally only funny to me? Twitter?

Anyway while I am personally team Jester, in that the faster Lucien is simultaneously disintegrated, run through in the chest with both a vestige and a holy avenger, shot through the heart (and Veth’s to blame), beheaded with a hand axe, banished, punched in the face, and sent into a black hole the better, the party has other plans. Thanks to the long rest though it has been about 12 hours, plus the 4-ish from last week, so I guess we’ll check in with a few of our other wizard friends as well.

As a reminder Caleb Widogast is a PC and thus excluded from this list.

Currently sidelined

Presumably having a good day: Pumat Sol (blissfully unaware of all of this); Allura Vyesoren (saint-like patience and a wealth of experience with disaster adventuring parties; at least this one has a cleric at more than 0.33 FTE, a wizard, and some lesbians), Ludinus Da’leth (this miserable pile of power plays wakes up every morning and is like Isn’t it Grand to be head of the evil wizard council and no one realizes I probably destroyed the first non-drow elven civilization on the continent to arise after the calamity! Fetch me more pastries!).

No idea but here’s hoping he found the cat portion of ScryTube: Oremid Hass

Lady DeRogna, taken off the scene, sorry that your murder happened while off-screen.

Trent Ikithon: I’ve established that I think the only real things that can damage Trent emotionally are Caleb paying too much attention to him so as to destroy his standing within the empire, or else Caleb ignoring him. Honestly if Trent would not continue to torture students and spread propaganda if left unchecked I think he could be slowly murdered solely through Caleb expressing apathy. So despite the amulets of nondetection I like to imagine that somehow, somewhere, Trent felt Caleb reaffirm to Essek that his top priority is still stopping the city from returning, not Trent, and it necrotized just a little bit more of his liver.

Conclusion: 7/10. I went to the OG evil mageocracy and no one knew who you were.

Essek Thelyss: Well on the one hand he’s still flirting but on the other imagine spending a literal century being like “what if we’re wrong about how we approach the fundamental basis for our society” and he just got proved right. I have to imagine he’s got that kind of stress where suddenly everything becomes dead calm and also this explains why he unnecessarily cast a 3rd level spell, which he knows could in theory cause him to lose all his hair, to impress a boy. I didn’t even get into the conversations he had with Caleb, the bad dreams and eyeballs, Fjord teasing him, Yasha being like “ALRIGHT ALREADY”, the horrible Aeorian creatures, the fact that robots might be back(?) or his ongoing terror that the Assembly is after him!

Conclusion: 8/10 but he’s like, kind of having a good time. Essek is in all ways but physical in a Hawaiian shirt right now drinking a Mai Tai and going Nothing Matters; I presume he will have a full breakdown following the boss battle and honestly he deserves it.

Astrid Beck: Others have already established the parallels between Essek and Astrid but honestly I want to highlight it because really, on the one hand we have Essek, whose world is crashing around him because he was right all along and is in terrible immediate danger but surrounded by friends, and on the other we have Astrid, whose world is crashing around her because she was wrong all along and she’s probably not in immediate danger but Eadwulf is the only person she can trust and we don’t know all the details about that either.

Conclusion: 8/10 but in the bad way, not Essek’s kind of fun way.

Wulfpupy:

Conclusion: 3/10. You know that tiktok with the blonde woman with glasses who has a lot of highlighter on her nose who talks about how sometimes if you have guy friends they will say something deeply fucked up and you’ll be like “oh my god do we unpack this right now” and then you look over at them and the only thing in their mind are the lyrics to Kokomo? That’s Wulf. He will activate the second Caleb comes back in town or Astrid actually falls apart but until then he is on Island Time.

Yussa Errenis: I wonder if there’s a small part of Yussa that is part of the city’s awareness and, moreover, can see what Beau and Caleb at least are doing, and he’s like “I’m so simultaneously proud and impatient, also we live in a world that does not have IV fluids so like, hopefully my body still exists in some kind of functioning state when I am rescued” (note: did I google “how were coma patients kept alive in olden times” for this? Perhaps.) Anyway if he is aware he’s also just like, watching all this like “I WILL GET YOU SO MUCH PAPER OH MY GOD CAN YOU JUST KISS THE OTHER WIZARD SAVE ME FROM THE EVIL HIVEMIND CITY.”

Conclusion: I mean still infinity/10, he is still trapped in the city of madness and also if he does have a small part of his mind that is sane and able to observe the material plane he also is aware that Trent and the Volstruckers broke into his tower.

Known Gem Wizard Hotsauce Lutefisk: I know, I know, weird that I brought him up. However consider: Yussa’s wizard tower now contains two wizards in suspended animation, their consciousnesses trapped in eldritch astral sea-related spaces. This is incredibly funny to me. We’re in a real Old Lady who swallowed a fly scenario except it’s centuries-old wizards getting sucked into traps because of their own hubris. The reason why mageocracies no longer exist isn’t the lack of magical knowledge or even because power corrupts absolutely, it’s because literally just put some lightly fried forbidden knowledge under a box with a stick propping it up, add your parody of Long-Term Nuclear Waste Warnings above it, and a wizard will be like “that sign won’t stop me because I CAN read and what’s more I’m better at reading than you are!” And then they get trapped in a box.

Conclusion: what is a breakdown tracker to a man whose mind has been stuck in a gem for, from his perspective, at minimum about 35 years?

#critical role #critical role spoilers #wizard breakdown tracker #shadowgast #honestly i want shenanigans that rival any post-dragon vm shenanigans after aeor and i want essek to have a starring role #sorry percy i want a BLACK HOLE in the hot tub #your music this week was lady madonna by the beatles and kokomo by the beach boys #i swear i am a millennial i just spent a lot of formative time in the car with my boomer parents listening to the oldies station

[purplesurveys]

1257

Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?  Oh for sure. We had to watch It’s A Beautiful Life and I know I cried every single time I watched that movie, whether for school or on my own time.

What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?  I don’t really get this question. I feel like it would make more sense if it asked how early I’m willing to wake up in the morning...? Anyway, I don’t pay attention to the time I sleep at night. Sometimes I’ll pass out as early as midnight, and sometimes I’ll be up until 3; it doesn’t matter to me.

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?  I’m not into those in general.

What time of the year do you dislike the most?  The heat in April and May is just brutal and uncalled for. It gets so hot and disgustingly humid and most times the aircon can’t even do much to quell it.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?  Yeah, banana ketchup since that’s what we usually have a bottle of. Generally, I have banana ketchup with most of my breakfast dishes too.

What is your favorite color to wear? I don’t really have a favorite to wear those days mostly because I barely go out anyway and there’s been little need to update my closet.

Are you an overachiever?  Seems like the type of question you should be asking my parents, not me haha. Personally, though, I’m fairly proud of what I’ve accomplished.

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?  Maybe longer legs and smaller teeth, but I’m not exactly insecure about mine.

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry? Did you just raise the possibility of marrying a deer? Anyway...since I mentioned Two for the Road in the last survey, I’ll go with Mark from that movie. Seems like my type of partner. 

How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)?  With legs...around 2-3 weeks. Armpits, maybe about a week or so. Never more than a month for either.

What is the meanest thing you have ever said to someone else?  For the most part I’ve always been cautious of what I say; writing, on the other hand...I’ve written stuff on my diary wherein I let out all my frustrations against my mom. I know they were mean because she cried over them – but that also entailed snooping through my stuff, so I’ve never felt bad about it. I meant those things as I wrote them because it was my safe space, and she violated that. That’s on her.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?  I did, but I instantly realized it was bad so I stopped as soon as I began.

What is your favorite thing about your life?  How everything seems to have fallen in its place these days. There’s really little to complain about and I’m grateful for that.

Save all the animals that die during road kill or save 1 human from a fire?  Animals.

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?  No.

How many real bfs/gfs have you had?  One.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?  I did.

Name a comedy that you like. White Chicks. << I love this choice, let’s just go with this one lol.

Could you wait until marriage for sex?  Sure.

What’s the best Nirvana song?  I don’t listen to them. I know a couple of songs but I don’t like them enough to be my favorites.

What was the last thing that impressed you?  The new Butter remix with Megan Thee Stallion.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?  Years, years ago.

What nationality is your last name?  Spanish or Portuguese, I’m not super sure.

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?  I never dip my chips; I just have them as is.

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?  Idk...maybe one of my cousins from one of our family reunions last year. I don’t get to be around a lot of boys or guys.

Does your mom know you do surveys?  No. I’ve never had to raise it and I can’t see a situation where I would have to.

Have you ever had a serious injury?  Yeah, I got a big wound from when I went snorkeling around a decade ago. I wasn’t provided flippers so when I was kicking to stay afloat I managed to hit the coral reefs underneath repeatedly, which majorly scraped and gashed my left foot until it was an open, bleeding mess. It was infected for weeks and I’m surprised it didn’t leave any kind of mark or scar.

What was the last thing you achieved?  Handling a campaign for a major client successfully and getting good coverage and results for it.

Would you enjoy being famous?  Probably, but I wish I had some sort of talent or skill that would propel me to popularity in the first place hahaha.

What’s under your bed?  Some things I collected from past hobbies and interests, like all my old wrestling magazines.

Do you enjoy travelling?  Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?  I mean I joined an org in college, which technically makes me a member for life. I’m not name-dropping but it’s one of the two journalism organizations in my alma mater.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?  I can’t recall. I don’t drink strawberry milk.

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?  I never collected those.

Do you have a clock in your room?  Nope.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?  I honestly can’t remember. I only had like three sessions with different instructors for each, and the one instructor I remember having was extremely cranky and impatient.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?  Hold It Against Me is pretty fun.

Does mind over matter work for you?  Sure.

Are you paranoid?  Oh yeah. Overthinker is pretty much my middle name.

What is the best thing about winter?  I wouldn’t know but considering the things associated with it, I’ve always believed it would be my favorite season.

Have you ever been truly in love?  Hmm. I think so, yeah. I’d give myself that.

Are you currently planning a trip?  Nah. Nothing set in stone, but Angela, Reena, and I have been talking about flying to South Korea next year. We’ll see.

How many plants are in your home?  Several. My mom is a bit of a fan, but it’s nothing obsessive.

What is your favorite possession?  I treasure my BTS merch, I guess haha. Nobody is allowed to touch them or move them around without my permission. As often as my mom likes to barge in my room and touch my stuff, she seems to understand and doesn’t lay a finger on any of the merch either.

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?  Sure. But it's never really mattered to me; it just feels nice to be nice and do nice things for people. It does feel nice to be thanked, but I don’t necessarily do it for the recognition.

What movies have tripped you out?  I’m Thinking of Ending Things, Midsommar, Anomalisa, Under the Skin, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and The Killing of A Sacred Deer are a few of them.

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?  Yesssss, I even had a pair as a kid. I got into it because I loved to ice skate, but it turned out I wasn’t as good as gliding on the ground so I ultimately preferred ice skating. Anyway, no, I haven’t done rollerblading in years.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?  I did. I stayed because it’s where I felt safe and I didn’t know where else to go or what else to do outside of it.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?  Sure.

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?  Nope. I find them more distracting than anything else, and they actually keep me from sleeping.

What summertime treats do you love?  I don’t have any.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? I am VERY picky. I have to be really interested in you. < Yeah, this sounds about right.

What do you hate most about moving?  The last time we moved was in 2008...and I don’t really remember disliking any part of it. I was actually excited for us to have a home all to ourselves after living with extended family in a cramped house all my life.

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?  Depends where. Sometimes it can be exciting, sometimes it can be inconvenient but you kinda do it out of desperation lol.

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?  No, I’m scared of how it would affect my body so I’ve never tried.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?  Countless random men.

Do you like scarves?  They can be comfy if I’m traveling somewhere cold...but I don’t really get to do that often, so.

Is your father homophobic?  I haven’t seen any signs from him. My mom is much more likely to exhibit internalized homophobia – she just did the other night.

Do you take gummy vitamins?  No, only when I was a teenager.

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?  I don’t think so, nothing I can recall.

Who would you like to meet before you die?  I don’t have any goal person in mind.

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it? Hmm, probably not. What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?  The Avril Lavigne doppelganger one is extremely hilarious and I read up so many thread about it on Twitter just so I can see how far people can stretch it.

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?  I don’t care.

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?  Either of my best friends.

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?  The weather.

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?  My mom.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?  Yeah the soundtracks are actually fucking great. The person who took this survey before me named Supermassive Black Hole by Muse, and that’s one of my favorites from all the soundtracks. The song Slow Life in New Moon is nice, too. How old was the first person you kissed?  She was 17, going on 18.

Will you be a strict parent one day?  I’d have some rules set but I wouldn’t suffocate my kids.

Last person to stand up for you?  Heck if I know. I can do that for myself.

Have you been to a baby shower?  No.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?  My ex.

What’s your favorite high school memory?  Hiding a same-sex relationship from my conservative, homophobic Catholic teachers.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?  I like being single these days.

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?  Trying out the Nevis Swing in New Zealand.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?  I saw no point in studying chemistry.

Italian food or Chinese food?  Chinese. I like Italian cuisine, but sometimes I find it a tad bit salty for my taste.

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?  Not flash cards but sometimes I’ll write my notes down in several index cards because for some reason I retain information better that way.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?  No.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?  No. I never saw the appeal of most of them, honestly.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.  Gabie.

What do you think about Marilyn Manson?  I have nothing to say about him tbh. 

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?  Nothing beyond getting into an argument with this kid in 2nd grade and getting sent to the counselor’s office for it.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?  I used to, until I handed it down to my sister...and until she let it smash onto the ground because she didn’t place it on her tripod properly when she was filming one time. I still don’t get why she’s so defensive about it; I wish she’d just admit she majorly fucked up on that. Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?  It makes me silently judge the parents more so than letting myself be bothered by a child.

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?  We’re not offered the chance to get yearbooks unless we’re in graduating years.

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?  No.

Jalapeños: yay or nay?  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Did you ever play Minecraft? No. I can’t care less.

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?  I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?  Me, sometimes. Hahahaha.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?  The way I was broken up with, like what the person who last took this said. I’m not tortured by it and her anymore, but I don’t think I deserved to intensely mull over about what I could have possibly done to be broken up with the way she did.

What type of person angers you the most? Abusive people that think only they matter and have no consideration for how their actions affect other people. < This pretty much hits the nail on the head on how my ex is, so I’ll just go ahead and agree.

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?  I’d get braces again and...that’s it, really.

What are your feelings on feminism?  I support it and I support how it advocates equality.

Describe your first relationship?  I’ve only had one relationship so I’ll just answer the following question.

Describe your last relationship?  Internally toxic; uhhh healthy at some points I guess, when she wasn’t being a selfish prick; a disaster towards the end.

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?  I honestly don’t know what constitutes ‘safe sex’ in a same-sex relationship, sooooo idk if I have.

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?  It’s a realistic take on love and I appreciate that it took its sweet time to highlight the ugly sides of love and marriage. Also, Audrey Hepburn taking her acting chops to the next level was just beautiful to watch. She was always a fantastic actress in all her movies, but I could tell her acting in Two for the Road had just a little bit more depth to it.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?  That I’m nice and approachable.

Do you feel protective over someone?  My friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?  Heat Rush.

Where did your vehicle come from?  My parents got it for me as a high school grad gift.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?  I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007, and back then I was designated as a flower girl lol. I’ve never been to a wedding where I was chosen to be a bridesmaid.

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?  CHICKEN SANDWICH. Also chicken wings.

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:  Oreo cheesecake topped with 24 macarons.

What do you wear to bed?  Something thin and airy.

What were you doing at 8pm last night?  I was watching Bon Voyage.

#survey #surveys

[1dffexchange]

Uncomfortable Silences

To: Vicki @angstarella​

From: Liv @midnightcities​

Summary: It’s been 927 days since Rowie messily ended her two year relationship with Harry. 659 days since Harry Styles bared his soul and shared it for the world to hear in the form of a best-selling debut album. 173 days since his number had flashed across the screen of her phone. But finally, Rowie was starting to feel her sense of normalcy return.

It was any other Saturday morning. A half eaten piece of Marmite toast lay forgotten on the kitchen counter along with the dregs of my morning coffee. There was a haphazard pile of trousers at the foot of my bed that I had created when searching for my favourite black pair. My 10 minute snooze turned into almost 25 minutes and I was now on a time crunch to pull myself together for my Saturday shift. Despite promising myself that I would go to bed at an acceptable hour last night, I fell prey to my best friend’s masterful coercing and stayed out far longer than I originally intended. You think by now I would know better.

I was in my bathroom, scraping my hair back into a bun, when I heard the buzz of my phone. Jules, the aforementioned best friend I’m sure, checking in to either complain about her killer headache or to help fill in her hazy memory. This had become a bit of a ritual for us.

One last glance in the mirror and I deemed myself suitable enough to face the horde of Saturday shoppers. I flicked the bathroom light off and grabbed my phone that I had earlier tossed onto my unmade bed. The phone screen lit up as I brought it to eye level. I immediately dropped the phone back onto the bed when I saw the notification:

[phone] iMessage

I had finally deleted that number almost a year ago; that’s the best way to move on according to all the break-up articles and books I have pored over the past 2 and a bit years. They don’t tell you how to delete a number from your memory though. I haven’t seen it grace my phone screen in quite some time, the longest stint yet actually. And still, it made my heart stutter erratically and my palms clammy.

What does he want now? Has something happened? Work. I haven’t seen much of him online lately. Who was that last girl he was linked to again? Work. Is this going to be some half-assed, drunk apology again? I need to go to work.

I broke myself out of my impending trainwreck of thoughts, forcing myself to throw all my effort into moving my body. I snatched up my bag and grabbed my phone once again. My eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to see that damn number as I shoved it to the depths of my bag. Out of sight out of mind, right?

****

Waterstones was a staple part of my childhood London visits, so landing a job here in my first year of studying was a dream. I was lucky enough to take up residence at the Gower Street store. It always was my favourite, with its twisting shelves and hidden nooks, and it’s a bonus that it’s only a 5 minute walk from main campus for those days when I have class. As a child I always thought this would be the perfect place to play a game of hide-and-seek. And on days like today where I would rather do anything than enthusiastically suggest a middle-aged woman some egregious romance novel, the labyrinth nature of the store was appreciated.

I was tucked away on the third floor, shelving some second-hand Philosophy books. I studied each title intently, skimmed each books synopsis, and threw all my mental energy into deciphering what the philosophical knowledge each book was actually trying to impart. The upper levels of the store are the perfect study sanctuary; I have spent many hours holed up in here writing last minute essays. But today the comfortable silence was not good for my current mental state.

I had thrown my bag into the designated employee locker out the back, my phone remaining ignored in the depths. I’m sure I felt it vibrate again when I was on the tube but it stayed unopened and unchecked. I can’t do this again, I really can’t put myself through… that again.

“Um… Excuse me…” A quiet voice caught me off guard.

I turned, book still in hand, to see three girls standing awkwardly near the W-Z section of Social Sciences. They looked a little young to be browsing up here, but I reserved my judgements. “Yes, how may I help you today?” I flashed my customer service smile.

The girl in the middle opened her mouth before snapping it shut again. The one on the left nudged her, giving her a look of slight impatience. Odd.

“Are… are you…” She attempted again.

Now the one on the right shook her head and pushed herself forward. “Are you Rowena Porter?”

I felt my heart begin to stutter, my stomach clench. “Excuse me?”

“Rowie…” the girl in the middle whispered, “she likes to be called Rowie.”

“Whatever,” she shrugged, “are you Rowie Porter?”

“I’m sorry,” my cheeks felt hot and I could feel my hands starting to shake, “but I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

The girl on the right took a couple steps toward me, clearly she was the most confident of the three. “Harry Styles has been seen coming here a lot lately. And then I remembered reading on Twitter that you work here. Has he been visiting you? Are you back together?”

My breath hitched. Harry was here? When? Why? Was it to see me? Surely out of all the Waterstones in London he wouldn’t choose this one for his bookish needs. It can’t be a mere coincidence.

The three girls stared at me expectantly, as if I was about to really about to reveal some intimate, albeit non-existent, love-life details. I placed the book in my hand on the shelf adjacent to me and took a steading breath. “I’m sorry girls, but Rowena quit working here a while back. I’m afraid I can’t help you any more than that.”

“Oh, so you just happen to look like her?” The girl challenged.

“Coincidence.”

“But--”

“Look,” my tone had become considerably more clipped, “if you have any book related questions I am happy to help you out. Otherwise I need to continue on with my job.” I picked up the half-empty box of Philosophy books that still needed unpacking and headed down the aisle and away from the girls. I prayed that they weren’t following me. It took every ounce of my self-control to not completely blow up at them and tell them, in the nicest way possible, to sod off. But now I was throwing all my focus into not breaking down in the middle of the Greek and Roman Classics section.

I pounded down the three flights of stairs, determined to hold myself together to at least the back storage area. My head was swimming, like I had just thrown back five consecutive shots of Jäger, and my face prickling with sweat.

Just as I was about the push past the registers, my unstable hands got the better of me and I dropped the box, the books tumbling out. “Shit.” I scrambled onto my knees to pile the books back up but tears began to blur my vision and I could feel the stares of customers. Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together.

“Rowie, are you okay?”

A pair of hands shot out and began haphazardly throwing the books back into the box. The hands belonged to Will, one of my co-workers and probably one of the only people I considered an actual friend on staff. I sat back, letting him collect the last few books, and willed my hands to stop trembling and for my tears to not spill over. Will stood and lifted the box up and behind the counter before offering me his hand. I hoped he couldn’t feel the stickiness of perspiration on my palms. “Alright?”

I shook my head. “I need to go.”

His eyebrows furrowed in obvious concern. “Do you want me to call someone? You look shaken up… What happened?”

Again, I shook my head. “Who’s on today?”

“Mara.” One small win, she was the kindest of all the store managers. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind my early departure.

“Can you please just tell her I had a family emergency or something. I really need to get out of here.” I pushed past Will, past the registers, and burst through the back storage area doors.

“Is this because of Harry?” I hadn’t realised Will had followed me.

I whirled back around meeting his worried gaze. “What?”

“He was here... A few days ago.” He spoke cautiously, he could clearly tell I was on the verge of breaking. “He asked for you.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Rowie, why would I? Look at the state of you right now, I wasn’t about to do that to you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, counted to 10, and forced myself to take some calming breaths. Anything to stop the rising panic. “You did the right thing,” I spoke finally. I could see Will let out a small breath in relief. “I still need to deal with this though, please tell Mara for me.”

“Row--”

“No,” I cut him off before he could go on his usual tirade of why my ex is not worth my time, something that I normally do appreciate. “Just… Let me deal with this. I’ll talk to you later.”

Will pursed his lips, I could tell that he was struggling to keep his opinions quiet. He merely turned and walked back out to the store front. I knew he wasn’t happy, but that was something I needed to push aside for now.

I turned and made my way to the staff locker and retrieved my bag. Time to face the music. I grabbed my phone. The screen lit as I brought it to view. Four messages. All from that same number. My thumb hovered over the notification, my stomach churning at the thought of what could be contained in those four messages. I unlocked my phone.

[phone]

(7:42 am): Rowie, I know you don’t want to hear from me but can you please give me a call. Harry.

(8:09 am): Please Row

(8:47 am): im desperate

(8:48 am): i need you.

I stared at the four little blue bubbles, unable to process them. A weird sense of calm had blanketed me. My previously hammering heart had slowed, my hands were still, my breath even. Almost robotically, I dropped my phone back into my bag and made a beeline straight out of Waterstones and into the chaos of Gower Street.

im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you.

The words flashed over and over in my mind with my every footfall. My thoughts wandered to every possible scenario as to what he could need. A jostle from a stranger awoke me from my abstraction and I realised I was already on the Euston Square platform. A train had just pulled up, my train I confirmed when I glanced over at the schedule. I quickly slipped on just as the doors closed and found a free seat. I sat rigidly, the sway of the carriage slowly pulling me back into my spiralling thoughts.

****

It felt like time was moving funny. My usual 25 minute journey felt like it was over in less than 5. The encounter with those girls this morning felt like it happened hours ago when it has barely been over an hour. That weird sense of calm I felt earlier was ebbing away and I could feel the panic begin to nestle it’s way back in. And the crowded train platform wasn’t helping me to keep my impending panic attack at bay. I needed a voice of reason, someone to help guide me through. I needed Jules.

I moved with the commuters but reached into my bag for my phone, praying she would be awake. Just as I unlocked my phone though, it began vibrating. Jules’ name appeared on the screen; what are the chances. I answered immediately.

“Oh, Rowie. Thank god,” Jules’ breathless voice greeted me, “I thought you wouldn’t pick up because of work.”

“Yeah, I was there but I left. I was just about to ring you actually. Is everything alright with you?” I tapped my Oyster card against the scanner, keen to get away from the claustrophobic nature of the London Underground.

“Wait, where are you now?”

“Just got off the tube, heading home. There was… An incident at work.” I finally stepped out on the street, the fresh air felt good.

“Home?! Oh god. Listen Rowie, I’m so sorry but I didn’t know what to do.”

Jules sounded truly panicked now, enough for me to stop my brisk walking pace and throw all my attention into the call. “What do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What is going on?”

“It’s-- It’s Harry.”

My stomach dropped, for the umpteenth time today. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know! He rang me, I don’t even know how he has my number. He was asking for you, but he didn’t sound right. He had been to your flat, your old one though, didn’t even know you had moved.” Of course he doesn’t, he wouldn’t know anything that has happened to me in the past two years. “I wasn’t sure if it was an emergency, I didn’t know how to help.”

“It’s okay, you did the right thing by talking to him.”

“No, Rowie I-- Oh, I told him where you live now. Row, I think he’s waiting for you there.”

****

The last time I counted, it had been 643 days since I had seen Harry in person. That’s just over two years. And it has essentially taken me up until now to feel that sense of normalcy return which I craved back when I first ended our relationship. But seeing him sat on my flat’s front step, even from a distance, made me realise that no amount of time is going to stop that visceral, all-consuming feeling he has always given me.

He was hunched over, a beanie pulled down tight over his curls. It wasn’t even cold out yet, but I assume he’s wearing it to stay somewhat hidden. He fiddled with his phone and then tucked it away, tugged at the sleeves of the black sweater he was wearing, clasped and unclasped his hands. I could tell he was nervous. And judging from the twitches of my hands, so was I.

I crossed the street and approached him cautiously. He was so consumed with his thoughts he didn’t even hear me approach. I cleared my throat, crossing my arms in a way to steel myself.

Harry’s head jerked up, recognition immediately flooding his muted green eyes. “Rowie…” He stood. I forgot how tall he was.

“Hello, Harry.” I spoke quietly. I was surprised my tone hid my tumbling emotions so well.

“It’s…” he exhaled, “it’s so good to see you.”

I rolled my lips and nodded slowly, unsure of what to say.

“Can I come up?”

No, no, no, no. My flat was one of my only Harry-free zones. No memories were attached. Everything had been removed that reminded me of him. Seeing him up there now would bring up a slew of problems. “I don’t think that would be best,” I spoke carefully. I was still trying to gauge where he was at mentally right now; he seemed off.

“You know I wouldn’t normally insist but I think it would be best. If someone spots me here you’re gonna be dealing with… Well you know the routine.”

He was right. And especially after what happened this morning, the last thing I need is more obsessive fans waiting outside my flat. “Fair enough.”

I unfolded my arms and grabbed my keys from my bag. Harry followed me up the few steps and watched as I unlocked the door. My hands visibly shook as I twisted the key. I know he noticed but he said nothing. In silence, we walked up the four flights of stairs and down the hall to flat 408. I let us in, promptly locking the door behind us.

My current flat was quite different from the one Harry had known. Paying my way through a Masters degree and some other unexpected financial problems at home had forced me to downsize, coupled with the fact that I was desperate to leave those walls which were filled to the brim with memories of us.

I watched as Harry’s eyes scanned the space - the cramped kitchen with the leaky tap, the speckled counter that doubled as a dining table, the IKEA sofa I had picked up on sale last winter. I knew my living space was a stark contrast to what Harry was likely used to and I couldn’t take his scrutinising gaze any longer. I knew my somewhat cool exterior was beginning to crack, the unwanted feelings of anxiety pushing to burst through and consume me. I needed some relief.

I left Harry standing awkwardly near the doorway and stepped into the kitchen. Dumping my bag on the counter, I began searching through the drawers for what I knew I needed. I was beginning to feel light-headed again, my whole body falling prey to the shakes. Tucked snuggly next to a half-used pack of Panadol and some Strepsils was the bottle I was searching for. The safety cap proved too difficult for my unsteady fingers though. I let out a small groan of frustration.

“You need a hand?” Harry carefully took the bottle from my hands, expertly twisting the top off. He handed it back, but not before peeking at the label, something I wish he didn’t do. “Alprazolam? Isn’t that--”

“Xanax, yes.” I tossed back two pills dry, desperate for their calming effect.

“Oh. Uh, you should be careful with those. They can be addictive and--”

“Yes, I know that Harry,” I snapped. “Not that it’s any of your business but they’ve been prescribed and I only take them when the situation calls for it.”

My abrupt tone took Harry by surprise, judging from the way he shifted away from me. I could see he was chewing on the inside of his cheek, unsure of what to say. I felt a twinge of guilt at my unwarranted outburst.

“It helps with my panic attacks,” I said quietly after a few moments. “I haven’t had a full blown attack in a while though. I’m good at knowing the signs now. Shaky hands, erratic heart rate, feeling faint.”

He nodded slowly. “I didn’t know… How long have you been dealing with them?”

I sighed heavily. I knew Harry wasn’t going to like my answer. “I had my first one in 2015. They were at their worst in 2016 though. That’s when I got medical help.”

“2015… Wait…” I watched as Harry connected the dots. I moved out of the kitchen and towards the sofa, as if putting some distance between us would soften the blow of seeing his reaction. “That’s when we were together. You were having panic attacks and didn’t even tell me?!”

“They weren’t a big deal, I didn’t want to worry you.”

Harry ripped his beanie off and slammed it down on the kitchen counter. I jumped, both at the sound and Harry’s sudden, extreme mood change. “God, Rowie,” he spat bitterly, “I was your fucking boyfriend. I was supposed to worry about you. To help you!”

“It was almost 4 years ago Harry—“

“So?!” He cut me off. “I had some right to know what you were dealing with!”

I could feel my face heating up, not due to panic but because of anger this time. “What I was dealing with? What I was dealing with? You wouldn’t have been able to understand Harry.”

“Try me.”

“You were born for this life Harry, an entertainer at heart able to bounce through life without worrying about what millions of people around the world think of you. But not me. Seeing my name, my personal life, splashed across social media and in news articles. People commenting about me, online and in person. People saying I don’t deserve you. I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Harry’s hands were clenched on the counter, frustration radiating off him. “For two years I have sat and analysed every facet of our relationship, wandering what I did wrong. Repeated that day you ended everything over and over. I wrote a whole fucking album for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” I interjected harshly.

“And if you had just told me these things at the time I could’ve helped you through it. Together, like a couple is supposed to!”

I shook my head. “I did what had to be done. It was the right thing for us. And for you.”

“No, it wasn’t. You broke my heart, Rowena.” His voice broke and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I was rendered speechless. My full name hung in the air between us, an uncomfortable silence smothering the room. It seems silly to be caught off guard by my own name, but I’ve never heard him say it. I’ve always been Rowie, his Rowie.

As we both stood there, kitchen counter separating us, staring but remaining unmoving, I felt as though I was truly seeing Harry for the first time today. With the beanie off I could see his hair looked unusually unkempt, his curls limp as though they needed a good wash. His skin had broken out, which I knew only happened when he was stressed, and the dark circles under his eyes confirmed that suspicion. His hands which were always adorned with an assortment of rings were bare. Even his clothes looked disheveled. This wasn’t the Harry I knew standing before me.

“Harry…” I said softly, breaking the silence, “what’s really going on? Why did you need to see me?”

I watched as he hunched over the counter, resting his head in his hands. His fingers twined into his hair, gripping at the root. As he ran his hands through the flat curls, he brought his gaze up to meet mine. His eyes had filled with tears and I felt that immediate pang in my heart.

Without inhibition, I joined Harry back in the kitchen and gathered him up in my arms, bringing his head down to the crook of my neck. As I stroked the nape of his neck, I felt his arms twist around my waist and pull me tight. I knew he wasn’t crying, but I could feel every ounce of emotion through his embrace. And suddenly I felt at peace, and not because of the meds. I hated that it felt so right to be here in this moment, that the one thing that could stabilise me was the thing I drove away years ago.

Harry loosened his grip and I took it as a sign to pull away slightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “For what? I’m the one who should be apologising for being shitty and leaving without a proper explanation.”

“I should’ve seen it, the struggles you were having. You’re right, this life can be hard. And it was silly of me to just assume that you were coping with it fine. You say that I don’t worry about what people think of me, I don’t. But that’s after years of me being so caught up in it. I had to learn to ignore and move past the crap.”

“I should have told you though…” I said softly.

He drew his hands away from my waist, instead clasping my own hands in his and bringing them up to his chin. I felt the softest graze of his lips as he stared down at me, my heart skittered ever so slightly. “I really miss you, Row. Everyday.”

I nodded, unsure if I could trust myself to string together a coherent sentence.

He sighed heavily, dropping my hands and taking a step back to lean against my oven. I immediately missed the contact. “In 47 days I’m supposed to be announcing my upcoming album. Which means I have about 42 days to get the tracks laid. The first instance of them anyways.” I watched as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “And I am so fucking lost.”

I still stood quietly, unsure of what I could really say. Words of encouragement from me right now would surely feel superficial to him.

“God, last time I struggled to cut down the track list. I had such a backlog of material, it was mental.”

I knew I had some role to play with that. Breaking up with someone just as they were about to embark on launching a solo career would result in an abundance of inspiration.

“And this time I have nothing…” he continued on. “Everything I write is utter shite, and the pressure from the label isn’t helping.”

“Push back the announcement then,” I finally spoke.

He laughed, without humor though. “If only it was that easy Rowie. You remember what it was like when I was in the band, the label asking for a new record every bloody year. That was considered feasible as there were five of us. Now according to them, going beyond a 2 year break between records is ‘not recommended’.”

I snorted, and Harry looked at me questioningly. “Seriously? That’s crap. How many artists have been MIA for years and still come back with another best-selling album. Harry, you’re underestimating your talents a little I think. This isn’t like your early years of One Direction where you guys had to pump out content in order to stay relevant. You’ve put in the hard yards and made your mark, you are here to stay.”

A flicker of a smile appeared on his lips. It gave me the confidence to continue on.

“You could literally release an album that consisted primarily of whale and dolphin calls and it would number one on release day.”

That got a laugh out of him. “Not sure if the label would like that though.”

I approached him slowly. “Well, I would love it. In fact, I’ve already got it pre-ordered on iTunes and saved on my Spotify.” I stood toe to toe with Harry, my fingers reaching out to the hem of his sweater. It was taking all of my self-restraint to not stretch up and trace his jawline, to comb back his hair with my fingers.

Instead, Harry seized the opportunity. Cautiously, he placed his hand to the side of my face. I melted into his touch. His lips parted ever so slightly before rolling them together, his telltale sign that he wanted to kiss me but was unsure.

“It’s okay,” I barely whispered out. I rolled up onto my toes, bringing my arms around his neck before pressing my lips against his. It felt as though no time had passed; we were in sync immediately, our mouths moving with familiarity. I raked my nails up through his hair and he mirrored by running his down my sides.

But as sudden as we had fallen back into routine, Harry pulled away. I couldn’t help a small sound of detest escape my mouth. “Shit,” he mumbled. He unlatched my arms from around his neck and pressed them back into my chest. “I shouldn’t… I know this isn’t what you want.” He sidestepped me and moved as far away from me as possible, which was only a few meters as that’s all my flat would allow.

“Who are you to say what I do and don’t want?” I challenged.

“You just told me the enormous toll our relationship had on you mentally. And I didn’t come here to try and win you back.”

I suddenly felt like I had been used. “So, what? You have no inspiration to write some songs so you come and see me, dredge up old problems, and then run off to the studio? Is that all I am to you now? A muse of emotional trauma?”

His eyes widened. “Jesus Rowie, of course not! I needed to see you because I knew you would be a voice of reason for me. Every person that I have spoken to about this album just doesn't get it. They’re all too… I don’t know. Too close to the project? They all just think I have a bit of writer’s block. My mum told me to clear my head by taking a walk in a bloody forest or something!”

I leant back, taking up the same position against my oven that Harry held minutes earlier. “How can my opinion even mean anything? I don’t know what’s gone on with you for the past 2 and a bit years.”

“And yet, I’ve felt more at ease here with you this past hour than I have for the past 6 months.”

“What, my 3 sentences of encouragement have instantly filled you with the creative juices you’ve been craving?”

“I wish,” Harry chuckled. “But your sense of assurance helps.”

I was about to respond when the buzz of a phone interrupted me. It sounded muffled, so I knew it was coming from my bag which lay forgotten at the end of the counter. It was most likely Jules, checking in to see if I’m alright.

“That’s probably a sign that I should go.” He collected his beanie that he had thrown down earlier and shoved it back on his head, paying no attention to the way it smushed some curls flat against his forehead. “Again, I’m sorry to barge in on you like this. I appreciate that you gave me the chance to talk though.” He jerked forward, unsure if we should hug goodbye or if he should just leave. I made the decision easier for him by crossing the kitchen and wrapping my arms around his waist. Pressing my ear to his chest I could hear the steady thump of his heart, a sound that I have fallen asleep to countless times. I felt Harry press his lips to the top of my head. This hug felt different, like a proper goodbye hug. Not ‘see you later’, but goodbye.

We pulled apart, locking eyes for one last time. “Good luck with everything,” I murmured.

“I’ll let you know when the Harry Styles featuring Whale and Dolphin album will be dropping.”

I let out a shaky laugh before moving around him to unlock the door. He stepped out, gave me one last smile, and turned to walk down the hall. I watched him walk until he disappeared from view, he didn’t turn back once.

That goodbye felt like it was the final closure we both needed, that now we could finally move on with our lives and be relatively happy. Maybe now I could hear and see his name and not feel a clench in my stomach. Or have those cluey fans find me and not dissolve into a puddle of panic.

But despite all these prospects, I knew it wasn’t the ending I wanted. Or the ending I really needed. My feet moved without warrant. I picked up speed, pounded down the stairs almost tripping over. I saw him, he had just stepped out of the building and down the steps. I burst through the door and he spun around, eyes wide with surprise.

“Stay.” I puffed out.

He blinked. Once, twice. “What?”

“I’m asking you to stay,” I descended the front steps and joined Harry on the footpath. “I just did the most cliché, rom-com thing and chased after you to ask you to stay. I mean, all that is missing right now is some rain and we would have the perfect scene.”

He laughed.

“Please, I’m serious.”

“Rowie, after what you said we can’t get back together. We--”

“After what I said we should be getting back together.”

Harry looked at me puzzled.

“I’m not going to be a prat now and try to shoulder all the pressure. I was stupid to not trust that you could help me in the first place. And I’ve gotten better at managing the anxiety.”

He was quiet for a while, staring down at me. I was desperate for something, even just a graze of his hand for reassurance. I was about to revoke the offer, feeling that maybe I had misread the situation, but he finally responded. “Are you sure? I don’t want you… I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“So sure that I ran down four flights of stairs and almost broke a leg for you.”

We both grinned before Harry pulled me in for a kiss. It was short and sweet but felt like home all the same.

“Let’s go up.” I said once we had broken apart.

“Oh… Uh... Actually,” Harry stammered. Oh god, have I suddenly been to forward or something? “I really need to swing by the studio. My phone has basically been in airplane mode all day and I was supposed to be there for a session at 10 am. I’ve been off the grid without even telling anyone.” He bit his lip, obviously unsure of how I would react.

“Go,” I said with a smile. Sure, the timing was crappy but I knew he would be back.

“I’ll be back,” he said as though he had just read my mind. “I’ll bring dinner tonight. Some thai food? Panang curry with fried rice?”

I smiled. He remembered my order. “Don’t forget--”

“Extra green beans in the curry.” He placed his hand on my cheek, bending down slightly to press a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

And with that, he turned and began walking up the street, his phone pressed to his ear. No doubt he was finally responding to some very concerned people on his whereabouts. I watched him until turned the corner at the end of the block. I continued to stand there on the footpath outside my flat feeling calm, finally feeling at peace.

It almost seemed silly that this morning Harry Styles was the catalyst for a tumultuous amount of negative emotion, and yet my Harry was the one that was able to calm the storm and ground me.

I suppose I should thank him for that. I’ll do it when he comes home.

#1dff #exchanges

[saltynemo]

In Real Life

WHATADO Everybody, its your boi Nemo here. I wrote this fanfiction about Josh Dun a long time ago for my friend’s fanfiction account. But she hasn't posted it yet so I thought I would post it :) (Thank you so much beebomeebo for helping me write my first fanfiction :D)

Summery: A long lasting relationship over the internet takes a turn and Josh meets Y/n for the first time in real life. This means more physical contact for the two of them ;)

Type: Smut

Warning: Sexual Content, Cussing, !!Cute Josh!!, Long ;),  fuck, just leave already

Requested?: HELL YES

Word Count: 3.5k (3,507 words)

So without further a do, P-P-P-P-PLAY IT:

I roll my backpack off my shoulders and I let it thud next to my bed. I arch my back from all of the stress that I have been introduced to today. I flopped into my bed, staring at the ceiling. Through all of the thoughts going through my mind, my friend's username gets thrown into the mix. I suddenly look at the flashing clock on my desk. 6:30. Josh must be online! I get a burst of excitement as I run to my laptop and nearly fall into my chair. I fumble across the keys as I type in my password. I forgot everything else in the world at this point. The only focus is on my best friend...Josh!

I move the little arrow to FireFox and waited for the page to load. My Wi-Fi is such a drag. I tapped the desk impatiently. After what seemed like forever, a big orange fox appeared in the middle of the screen along with a search bar. I typed "Twitter" into the bar and clicked search. This time, it didn't take that long for the page to load. I was typing my username and password so fast, I got it incorrect a couple times. Finally, my home page was on the screen. I went to my Private Messaging tab and noticed Josh has already messaged me. I replied: Y/n: "Hey, Josh!" Josh: "Oh hey Y/n." Y/n: "What's up" Josh: "Actually, I have something to tell you" Y/n: "Yea, what is it?" Josh: "First of all, you live in Minnesota, right?" Y/n: "Yea yea, I do" Josh: "I was waiting for your birthday to tell you this...but I couldn't let you wait" Y/n: "Josh, what is it!?" Josh: "I moved into Minnesota about 2 weeks ago" Y/n: "OMG, Josh that's amazing! We have to meet up!" Josh: "Yes yes, we are going to! How about tommorow night!" Y/n: "Okay!" Josh: "How about chilis, 6:00! Don't be late ;)" Y/n: "Is there a Chili's near you?" Josh: "Yes. The one near the big mall, right?" Y/n: "Yep! Thats the one. Cya there, Jish :)" Josh: "Cya ;)"

I couldn't contain my excitement after our conversation. I jumped out of my chair and started dancing. "I'm going to meet Josh, I'm going to meet Josh, I'm going to meet Josh!" I repeatidly squealed. I quickly got out my phone and wrote down the event on my calender. "Chilis, 6:00." I whispered under my breathe as I hit the save button. I plugged my phone into the charger and jumped into my pajamas. I rolled onto my bed and went into a hudle position, trying to find a comfortable position. I fell asleep to the sound of my air conditioner vibrating.

*TIME SKIP*

6:00 didn't come fast enough. I got home around 5:00, giving myself an hour to get ready. I skipped to my closet, thinking of how Josh and I would be roomates and maybe have a family together. Him and I had very little romatic intrest in eatchother, but we did have a connection. I opened my closet, expecting the perfect dress to be right infront of me. But no, I came to an empty closet, full of band T-Shirts and ripped jeans. I figured that Josh would care less, since we were only going to Chili's. I grabbed a Fall Out Boy shirt and ripped, black jeans. I tossed them onto my bed and went back to my closet. I grabbed a black, lingerie bra with matching panties. I slipped them on and checked myself in the mirror. I really shouldnt get my hopes up. I tossed my shirt and pants on and pranced to the bathroom. I put on my makeup with such prescision, trying not to mess up. Once i was done, i popped a mint in my mouth. I looked at the flashing clock on my desk. 5:32. I should get going. I text Josh: Y/n: "On my way!" Josh: "Okie,i may be a little late, so go get us a table"- Y/n: "Gotcha, cya there."

I slipped on my black and red vans and hurried out the door.

*Time Skip to Chili's*

Once I entered the double doors, the smell of deliciouse food filled your nostrils. I went up to the front desk: "Hey, is there a table for two?" i asked. "Yes, we have reserved it for you. Give us 10-15 minutes to clean it off and get it ready for you!" she cheered. I nodded and sat on the bench, near the desk.

*Time Skip 5 minutes*

I have been browsing Tumblr for the past 5 minutes. I was beond patient because I was going to meet my friend for the very first time..in person! Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see Josh Dun walk into the Restaurent. My heart was beating faster than the snail from Turbo. I, some how, contain my nervousness and keep my eyes glued on the daily drama of Tumblr. He clears his throat and glances at my worried expression. Josh lighlty tapped my shoulder. "Um, excuse me?" I turn my attention away from Tumblr but to him. "Hey, are you Y/n?" he asked. I was stunned he knew my name. "Why-uh yea! Yes I am. How did you know?" i stuttered. Josh twiddled his thumbs and chuckled. "We met on Twitter, remember? We made a date to meet up finally." I was so shocked to here that my favorite drummer was right under my nose the entire time. I did a big smile and nervously laughed. "Oh my gosh! I didnt know i was talking to-" I cut myself off, noticing I was coming off to be kind of streight forward. I cleared my throat: "I mean, Hey!" I said with a smile. This caused Josh to laugh. His laugh gave me life.

We started talking about many different things. We talked about our favorite bands, what music we listen to, ect. It turns out we have lots in common, I couldnt get enough of him. The way his lips moved and how his eyes glanced around the room, never have I ever seen such an angel. Finally, the waiter escorted us to our booth. "Sorry for the wait, were kind of busy today! So, what can I get you 2 to drink!" the waiter giggled. Josh looked at me: "Ladies first." he said. I chuckled on how polite he was. "Um, water please." I said. "Ill have a water, too" Josh said, following a toothy smile. His smile got me everytime. "Alrighty! 2 waters coming right up" the waiter giggled. She walked away and dissapeared into the kitchen door. I looked back at Josh, who was already looking at me, causing me to smile. "So." he said. "Well, I would like to know why you moved to Minnesota." I asked. Josh sighed: "Well, I would like to be completley honest with you.." he said, looking into my eyes. "I came here to see you. Since I had the money, I decided to pay you a visit." he said, following with a light smile. At this point, I have fallen for him. He was perfect! But did he feel the same way? "Aww, Josh. That really means alot to me!" I cheered. He chuckled and slowly leaned in. This was my chance! I leaned in too and we were just about to kiss when the waiter showed up with our waters. "Here ya go!" the waiter cheered as she placed them down infront of us. "Oh- thank you!" Josh said while he leaned back into his seat. I slowly leaned back aswell. "Are we ready to order?" she asked. "Um, not just yet. Give us, um, 5 minutes." Josh said, and gave a light smile. "Okay! Ill be right back." she said while skipping away. We stared at eatchother. Both of our expressions were akward. I giggled, and picked up the menu. So did he.

After about 10 minutes of total silence, we put down the menus. "So what are you having?" I asked. "Im just gonna have cheese pizza. What about you?" Josh asked with a grin. "Well, I was going to have that too!" I laughed. Josh laughed aswell. The waiter must have heard our orders. "Coming right up" she giggled. We both chuckled along with her. Suddenly, a tall man bounced over to our table. He must have been 6"5, he was huge! "Hey you love birds!" he cheered. We looked at eatchother and just laughed it off. "Hey!" Josh said. "Would the young lady like a balloon?" he asked. Josh looked over at me. I shrugged my shoulders: "Why not!" i giggled. "Make that 2 young ladies!" Josh joked. "Hahaha! Alrighty then. Ladie 1 first: What animal would you like?" he asked. I thought for a minute: "Can you make a poodle?" I ask the hulk. "Of course I can!" he cheered as he yanked a long pink balloon out of his pocket. He playfully blew it up while dancing akwardly. Josh and I laughed akwardly with him. After the balloon was a reasonable size, he started twisting it. I lightly cringed at the squeaky noises he was making.

After what seemed like an hour, the giant handed me a pink poodle with 2 dots for eyes. I laughed as i took it and put it down next to me. "Now what would the second young lady like?" he joked. "Oh, um, how about a snake! Ill make it easy for you." Josh chuckled. "Okie Dokie!" the balloon man said. Once again, he pulled out a long balloon, but this time, it was green. He blew air into the hole, causing it to inflate. He twisted and turned it into a slithery snake. The hulk brought out a red marker and drew a long, forked tounge on the mouth. He handed it to Josh: "Here you go, ma lady" he smiled. Josh laughed and took it. He held it up to his face and stuck his tounge out to it, trying to be funny. I let out a laugh, so did he. We looked up at the balloon man. "Thank you! Here, take a 10" I said with a smile and gave him a 10 doller bill. "Your welcome! Have a nice night!" the hulk cheered and he walked away to another table. Me and Josh giggled to ourselves. "What are you naming yours?" I playfully asked. "Well, he looks like a Tyler to me." he exclaimed with a small chuckle. I smiled: "Im naming mine Paras." I joked. Josh laughed: "You mean like- the pokemon?" he asked. "Yea, yea!" I said laughing with him.

*TIME SKIP*

"Oh, im stuffed" Josh said, pushing his plate away. "Yea, same here" I say, whipping a napkin across my mouth. The waiter some how hears this and bounces over: "Any dessert for tonight?" she asks. "No thank you, were stuffed." Josh exclaims. "Alrighty then! Here is the check." she said as she places the check on the table. "May I take your plates?" she asks. "Yes you can, thank you" I say, adding a hiccup at the end. The waiter takes the plates and walks away to the kitchen. Me and Josh stare at the check for a good 30 seconds. We glance up at eatchother. "Who ever grabs the check first will pay for it." he jokes. "Your on!" I say. We both say in unison: "1, 2...3!", we both bolt for the check. Of course, my hand misses the check, causing Josh to grab it. "Oh come on! Not fair." I say. We both laugh. Josh leaves cash to pay for the meal and a tip for the waiter. We both get up. "It was an amazing night! Thank you." I say. "It was really fun." he says. Josh held out his hand and i grabbed it. We both walk out of Chili's with smiles on our faces.

Once we reached my car, he lets go of my hand: "So, the fun doesnt exactly have to be over." Josh says, rubbing his hands together. "Yea, it doesnt. How about you follow me home! We can stay up and watch movies or something." I ask. He picked up his head "That would be fun! Ill just follow your car." Josh said with a toothy grin. I start to walk to my car when i felt a hand grab my wrist, making me turn to Josh's direction. He suddenly landed his lips on my cheek. I blushed and smiled. He smiled too while he walked the other direction to his car. I stayed still for a minute, watching him walk with his hands in his pockets. There was no going back, I have fallen for a famouse drummer, and I loved him.

*TIME SKIP TO YOUR HOUSE*

The whole way home I was thinking of Josh. Questions were circling through my head: Did he like me? What if i ruin this? Those thoughts dissapeared once i entered my neighborhood. I pulled into my driveway and parked my car. Once I got out, Josh's car soon pulled next to mine. He got out of his car and closed his door. We stared at eatchother for a good 5 seconds: "So, are you gonna show me around?" he asked. I snaped out of it: "Oh- yea yea, follow me." I stuttered as I nervously laughed, causing him to laugh, too. I walked up to my front door and unlocked it with my key. I pushed my way in and held the door open for Josh. "Thanks." he nearly whispered. I nodded my head and closed the door, locking it behind me. I dropped some of my things on a shelf: "Sorry for the mess.." I say. "Oh no, its fine! My house is worse, im still unpacking." he laughed. I smile and turned the TV on. "Sit down, Josh! Make yourself comfortable." I say, pointing to the couch. He nods, taking off his shoes and sitting down. I sat infront of my DVD Rack: "Ok, would you like to watch...a scary movie, romantic, um- comedy?" I ask. Josh thinks for a moment. "How about scary." he grins. I smile and nod my head. "Is the Conjuring 2 alright?" I questioned. He nodded his head. I slide the DVD into the VCR and sit down next to Josh. I turned up the volume so we can hear it. The lights were already off, so I didnt have to bother with that.

*TIME SKIP TO END OF MOVIE*

The credits rolled onto the screen and I stood up, stretching my arms like I have just woke up from a great nap. Josh did the same. "That was a scary movie" I joked, putting my arms down. "Oh yea, I forgot how scary that movie was." he said, adding a smile at the end, putting his hands down and shoving them into his pockets. There was a moment of silence while we stared at our socks. "So, what else do you wanna do?" Josh asked. I smiled: "Tag, your it!" I squealed as i started running around the house. Luckily, my house was big enough for 2 adults to be running around like children. He picked up his head and laughed while trying to catch me. I ran into my bedroom, not remembering its a dead end. I almost ran into my desk I was in such a hurry. Before I could turn around, Josh picked me up from behind and playfully swung me onto my bed. Unexpectedly, he came down with me, causing him to fall on top of me. We laughed at our child like behavior, soon noticing we were in an akward position. We stared into our eyes for a little bit, then causing a massive connection with our lips. This was the first time I ever felt his lips.

Josh put his hands on my face while he continued to kiss me. He slowly pulled away and smiled at me as we looked into eachothers eyes. I couldnt help but grin back at him. He was the most perfect thing you could see. Josh quickly pushed his lips back into mine. He licked the top of my lip, asking if he can enter. I opened my mouth slightly so we can twirl our tounges together. I put my hands on his back, slowly creeping my hands up to the back of his head. So many thoughts were going through my mind as we moaned into eachothers mouths. I continue to rub my hands through his soft, colorful hair. The only time we disconnected our lips was when we crawled to the middle of the bed, so his head was on a pillow and I was on top of his stomach. After we got comfortable, we went back to kissing. I tugged on Joshs shirt lightly, signaling for him to take off his shirt. He took it off, revealing bare skin. God, I wanted to suck at his skin all day.

We continued to kiss for awhile as I rubbed his skin. Everything about Josh was soft. I ran my hands slowly down to the growing bulge in his pants. Once i reached it: I squeezed it and kissed his upper lip, then going back to his mouth. "Fuck..." he moaned aloud. He stuttered words i couldnt make out. I continued to rub and squeeze it. I then brought my other hand down to join and slowly unbuttoned his jeans. I gave him one last short kiss before moving my whole body down so i was facing his crotch. I tugged his jeans down and through them to one of the corners of my bedroom. I looked up at Josh and grinned. He smiled back. I pulled his boxers all the way down, revealing an obviously happy member. I threw his boxers to a corner of the room. I began to rub it slowly as he moaned aloud. I slipped his head into my mouth which made him moan even louder. The whole bedroom was filled with his moans and groans, which turned me on even more. I fit as much of his dick as i could get in, and rubbing the rest i couldnt fit in. I looked up at him, he was looking up at the ceiling and moaning loud. "Y/n..im gonna.." Josh groaned. I pulled away and took my own shirt off, exposing my black, lingerie bra. "I love you." He choked out. "I love you too.." i replied.

He unbuttoned my jeans and ripped them off along with my panties and tossed them off in the same corner as my jeans. I quickly ran my fingers through his hair while he unhooked my bra from the back and threw it off in the same corner. Josh grabbed my right breast and began sucking on it. We exchanged moans to eachother. He looked up at me and rubbed the other one. I couldnt help but giggle at him .He giggled back at me and then switched boobs. Josh stopped and came up to kiss me. He kissed me hard enough to get me to fall back as he climbed back on top of me. He continued to kiss me

Josh burried his face in my neck and sucked on it as he slid into me. I moaned super loud. "Jo...Josshh...Fuckkkk!!" He started off slow, moving in and out of me. I never felt so full in my life. He muttered, "I love y..ohh..ughh.fuckk.." I moaned in response. His thrusts became harder and harder. "JoSHHhh..oOhhhh.." I cried. "Y/nnNN..." He choked out. Weexchanged moans for a long while as he continued to thrust harder and faster. "J-Josh...Im gonnaaaaoohhh...." I squealed out, climaxing soon after. I felt him also climax with me as he moaned loudly, "OoooOooohhh fuuuuckk..." I let Josh lay on top of me, with his head still resting on my neck, for a little while to let him catch his breathe.

He lifted his head and pulled out of me, rolling next to me. I looked over at him. "I..love you.." I nearly whispered to him. Josh smiled and turned twards me. "I love you too" He said, staring into my eyes. We stayed like this for a long time before Josh got up and slipped his boxers on. "Are you planning on staying the night...?" I asked him, picking up my head. "Only if you want me to." Josh said with a smile. I nodded in reply. I got under the sheets, not caring that i didnt put my pajamas on. Josh hopped back in bed too. I scooted over to him, resting my head on his chest. "Goodnight, baby girl." He said, quickly kissing the top of my head. "Goodnight.." I said with a smile. I knew we both had wanted to lay there forever, because our heart beats had matched.

(Sorry if it had some errors in it...but overall it was fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it :)) And again, thx to beebomeebo (tumblr name) and go follow her for more fanfics!!!)

#josh dun smut #josh dun #tyler joseph #jenna joseph #smut rp #smut #cute smut #tyler joseph smut #jenna joseph smut #saltynemo #twenty one pilots #twenty øne piløts #top smut #twenty one pilots smut #Joshua William dun #josh dun x reader #josh dun x reader smut #daddy dun #josh dun is daddy #josh dun! #daddy! #jishwa smut #jishwa #jishwa William dun #twenty one pilots fluff #twnety one pilots #josh dun fanfiction #fanfiction #fall out boy fanfiction #fall out boy fan fiction

[carousels-on-fire]

I’ve been thinking back on my Emilie Autumn phase. It wasn’t just a band I liked or a thing I listened to. It was an all-consuming obsession, something that ate a rather large chunk of my life. I’ve mostly moved on, but lately I’ve been listening to her again. Thinking back on my “time the asylum” so to speak. Especially in light of my own mental hardships as of late. I understand her and myself far better than I used to.  More below the cut:

I was a die hard Emilie Autumn fan. That’s putting it lightly. From the time I was 17 or 18 until I was 23, I worshipped the ground she walked on, hung on her every word, devoted myself to her for years. And I didn’t even realize it was happening. I embraced it wholeheartedly. I was a Plague Rat, Muffin. Inmate. I avidly followed her social media, sometimes sitting and waiting for updates. I followed all her ‘Bloody Crumpets’ and their own fanclubs. I was obsessed with everything she was obsessed with. Anyone who knew me in 2009 could tell you how I lived and breathed for her every word. I learned everything I could about the victorian era, about mental illnesses. It was a cult like, religious, fanatical obsession. It was actually starting to scare my friends and I just didn’t care. Every bit of my art was about her, all I listened to was her. Her spoken word poetry, her music, her silly outtakes. I copied her style, I cut heart shaped holes in all my shirt, sewed many many pairs of bloomers. Dressed like her for the first year or two of college. I quoted her words, sang her songs, memorized passages from her book. But eventually I found out she wasn’t a very nice person. And not a very truthful one either. I first had my suspicions that she was lying when I told my aunt about the part in her book where she befriended a girl with an eating disorder who later went into electroshock therapy. Apparently they haven’t done electroshock therapy on anyone since the 80s. It’s been outlawed. My aunt would know because she had electroshock therapy back in the 60s or 70s. She has bi-polar disorder. Emilie wasn’t hospitalized until about 2006. But I buried that, convinced that there must have been some mistake. She must be wrong. Then later, through obsessive watching of her forum and twitter I saw Emilie being mean to people. Yelling at fans who jokingly asked her for tickets. Yelling at fans who questioned her in any way. Then I noticed the suspiciously long list of musicians and collaborators who’d been burned by her. It was a quietly heart-breaking experience. I tried to explain away her behavior and apologize for her because I needed her, and I couldn’t let that fantasy and this world that she’d invented out of my grasp. It was the cocoon that protected me from the world. My corset really was my armor. I pretended for a long time. I pretended I didn’t see things, that she didn’t really mean certain things she said. I think I found her at a very difficult point in my life. I was uprooted from my original hometown, a few years beforehand. Uprooted from the first real, kind, non-abusive group of friends I had to move thousands of miles away to a completely different area with its own confusing, conservative, deeply religious culture. And then, as things happen, I found new people, people like me, something that hadn’t been usual in my hometown of 2200. I made another large group of friends, some of home I’m still friends with now. Then, a year later I was uprooted again, moved a half hour away, put back in a smaller high school, with people who didn’t like me. You aren’t easily different in a small town. I told myself I took pride in it, but it’s still emotionally exhausting. Even if I made friends there too. It was the start of the fractured stability that’s plagued me since. Like most people I took solace in my music. But I treated the bands I listened to like idols, the worlds of their music like my world. I tried to be like them because they were everything I wanted to be. Creative, flamboyant, fiercely individualistic, and loud enough to tell the whole world off. But then, when I was about to graduate high school I discovered a violinist called Emilie Autumn who was unlike everyone else. She was singing about some fucked up shit, but in pink and white instead of black. Red and white and covered in glitter and blood. A female rockstar who defied any attempt at categorization. She had a persona, a cult of personality, and I was just the type of obsessive, lonely, damaged person to be the ideal rube for her snake oil sales. Her books and remixes and overpriced limited edition t-shirts that I can’t get $15 for now on ebay. I wanted all of it because I wanted to be her. I desperately wanted to be part of her Asylum of angry girls, broken down by the people in their lives but willing to fight back against them. She made her rage and pain and getting revenge for it not only heroic but glamorous. She was sarcastic and witty, and to my teenage sensibilities very very original. Her singing voice wasn’t always the best, but her screeches and sarcastic spoken word always seemed so true to me. The emotion so very very understandable. I clung to her words and her characters even more tightly when I graduated high school. After the assumed at the time ‘suicide attempt’ of my mother, (later discovered to be her carelessly taking pills with alcohol) I stayed with my aunt for two weeks and then left for college. I went from a very strict, very structured, ‘ask before you do anything’ home life, to being unceremoniously left at the curb at my new dorm to start a life where I could do anything and I had no idea what to do. I was also newly figuring out my sexuality in a time of life when most of my peers had been dating and breaking up for years. These were the prime years of my obsession. I coped with the stress and the abuse and the constant anxiety of my new surroundings by burying myself as deeply in The Asylum as I possibly could. Ironic now.  I think back to how my friends were concerned with me ‘losing myself’ and I understand now. I held too tightly to the character of Emilie Autumn to see it then. But it’s strange now, years later, to see it in hindsight. To realize that I basically lost my true personality and adopted someone else’s for years to deal with the real world. Hers was the armor I wrapped around myself. The uncharted, fantastic missteps of my early life, to me going to college to study costume design to where I am now, were all set along these warped tracks. I look at her now and it all seems so obvious. The bait and trap.  I think back to when I met her. I haven’t told anyone this yet, because at the time I still wanted to preserve the illusion. But she actually snapped at her tour manager and me, when I gave her the striped blood dripping tea pot I painted. (I actually almost died painting it with enamel, but that’s a story for another time!) She suggested she keep it on stage, and then, when I said she could do whatever she wanted with it, she decided it was entirely too fragile. She also seemed to be slightly impatient for me to finish telling her how much I admired her. I kept that part back for a long time. That was in 2012. I think it was over at that point.  I’ve always considered myself to be a very self aware person. I’m thinking constantly just so I can catch myself when I slip up. But I can’t, not really. I’m just as prone to horrible mistakes and being led on, and buying into other people’s lies as anyone else. I never realized that I was coping with a difficult life. I never considered it difficult until my therapists put all my little anecdotes together in a coherent timeline for me and I realized what I’d been doing to survive. I’m slowly, very slowly beginning to figure out who I am as a person. Now, at the old age of 26. And as much as I can completely get caught up in the lives and details of a person when I’m stressed or lost (*cough*Davey Havok*cough*) I know I’m doing it now. I know that when I fall down the rabbit hole of a fandom or concept or person, it’s me coping. I’m trying very hard to be genuine about the things I like. About not pretending to like things because my friends do and I want to relate to them. I am my own person now, I worked hard and fought my own demons to become that person, I’m still becoming that person. I’m still years off from being a ‘completed work’ but it’s closer now. Its truer.  But sometimes, only sometimes, I’ll make her recipes for funeral biscuits, and put on her classical violin music. Sometimes I’ll get out the china tea pot, or draw little skulls on said biscuits in frosting. It wasn’t all pretense, the little bits and pieces of her that I liked were genuine. I’ll read her book, because ironically, I understand her songs about suicide much better now then I did as a young fan. My dysthymia, as it’s been diagnosed didn’t take shape until the middle of college. After my first and only big break up. And its been spiraling since.  I do think that much of her work was real. Once you’ve been suicidal, you know what the ‘real thing’ looks like. I understand the pain and frustration of the people around you not seeing that you’re in pain and not caring enough to try and help you. Even though logically, you know they can’t. And I do genuinely love the victorian era. But I’m making it my mission, should I ever become any amount of famous for my work that I’ll be kind. That I’ll tell people what’s persona and what’s real, if there is to be a persona at all. I’ve outgrown her. She was the cocoon that helped protect me, but it was poison too. My thanks is a mixed thing. I think though, I’m going to start selling off my collection. I hope some new fan will love these things like I used to, but I pray, they have a sense of themselves. That they don’t get sucked in entirely. That they can step back and realize that she is a deeply flawed human being with a pretty face and very sweet lies. But some of what she says is true. I can’t separate myself from who she was to me. A part of me will always be nostalgic for the magic of living in a fairy tale, even if that fairy tale has striped wallpaper and rats running along the walls. “You can take the girl out of the asylum, but you can’t take the asylum out of the girl.” You never really leave.

#emilie autumn #plague rat #personal #memories #my time as a plague rat #long post

[agirlinjapan]

Red Data Girl: World Heritage Girl (Week 23)

Red Data Girl: World Heritage Girl By Noriko Ogiwara A Translation

Miss the last piece? Read it here!

Check out the RDG Translation twitter!

We’ve started the last chapter of RDG 4!

Also, did everyone see my new scary story translation, “Cursed Chain Mail”? It’s a fun/somewhat creepy story about what happens when you don’t forward that annoying chain mail letter in your inbox.  At this point I’m just shamelessly plugging my side translations and I know it but that’s okay because I’m excited about them.

Red Data Girl: World Heritage Girl By Noriko Ogiwara Chapter 4: Boundary Part 1 (1 of 3)

The next morning, Izumiko could not bring herself to go to class.

After saying goodbye to Mayura, she returned to the dorm, received headache medication from Ms. Saijyo, the head of the building, and spent the next hour or two lying in bed.

After ten though, she reluctantly got up. Staying in the silent dorm was steadily making her more and more agitated. It was not a place where she could hole up in and feel secure. At least, that was how she felt at that moment. Strangely, the empty dorm, left behind by its inhabitants for the day, only invited loneliness.

Izumiko knew that she should stay out of the public eye as much as possible when she felt so badly. If a doctor had come to see her, she was sure he would have told her to go back to sleep until noon.

When she looked at her face in the mirror, she saw that her eyes were rather swollen from crying long into the early morning. She quietly turned a bit of her attention to her braids which were currently messy and unattractive after being slept on. There was no way she could suddenly stop wearing her signature hairstyle.

…But didn’t someone compliment me when my hair was loose the other day?...

Just thinking about this was enough to make her reconsider her previous thought.

Izumiko gently ran the tips of her fingers down her braids.—The goddess had done that too, the concept seemingly strange to her. Uncertainty poked at Izumiko from inside her stomach. However, the feeling was something she would just have to deal with as long as she wasn’t shutting herself away somewhere for the rest of her life.      

Mom’s seal probably isn’t all gone yet. The goddess has only come out at random times so far and she hasn’t shown us any of her destructive abilities… We haven’t seen any power that could create a natural disaster…

She thought about this as she gazed at reflection. The goddess thought that the braids were restrictive. That meant that Izumiko herself could maintain the seal. It didn’t have to be Yukariko.

If I talk myself out of this here and now, I’ll be even more scared than ever and I won’t have the courage to meet anyone new ever again. So, I’ll go to class… Just like I always do… Before school ends and I see Miyuki at student government.

The goddess’s tale of the past and future made her uncomfortable but she didn’t let herself think about that too seriously. It had a far removed feeling from the things Mayura and the others had told her about the World Heritage Candidate. The information contained in the goddess’s word had little meaning to her and she couldn’t force herself to focus on them. To Izumiko, the difficulties she had to overcome were here and now.

She wondered how she should face Miyuki when they met.

The confusion was still there. She had had no say in what had been happening lately and as a result, everything felt very unfinished.      

On top of everything else, the troublesome problem of where Wamiya had taken up residence had also come to light. Rather than dwelling incessantly on this though, she supposed it was better to take her mind off of it with her classmates’ everyday chatter.

Izumiko told Ms. Saijo that she was going to class and left the girl’s dorm. It was third period and first year Class C was having their classical Japanese lesson. When she arrived, one of her classmates was laboriously reading out loud from the textbook. Izumiko opened the classroom’s backdoor a crack and slid inside. The teacher gave her a questioning look but said nothing while the student read on.    

Izumiko went to her seat, pulled out her textbook and notebook, and opened them to the right pages. Then she let out a breath.

Classical Japanese was probably her best class. Her grandfather, Takeomi had instructed her in it when she had been younger. Because of this, she could find her place in the lesson without any trouble even though she had come in half way through. It was something she could have only done with classical Japanese. When she felt comfortable enough with the lesson, she peaked towards the desk diagonally in front of her where Manatsu Souda was sleeping peacefully in the shadow of his propped up textbook.

Due to the seat changes that had taken place in September, Izumiko’s seat was now behind Manatsu’s. She hadn’t been well aware of it before summer vacation but Manatsu slept through classes often. It was as if his consciousness turned off when he wasn’t moving. Obviously he was going to have a hard time when finals came around.

…Mayura did say that her siblings were a huge burden… Izumiko thought absently.

She wondered if Mayura’s little brother would hold someone who was crying with as much patience as Mayura had. She knew that he would hold his sister like that but what about someone else? If he would hold someone else like that, would he hold Izumiko?...

What am I thinking?

The thought struck her suddenly and just like that she was painfully aware that it was all she could think about. Maybe this was something that everyone across the world knew but Izumiko didn’t have the first clue about it.

…When someone holds someone else, how different is it from when they hold a sibling? How different is it for people of the same gender to hug versus people of opposite genders?...

They might not have been important questions but for some reason, Izumiko was desperate to understand. Still, it wasn’t as if Miyuki would ever go out on a date with her.

But what about me? What would I do?...

The bell rang, signaling the end of third period. It was already lunch.

The students immediately burst into action, exiting the classroom as quickly as they could.

Manatsu had woken up a few minutes before the bell and had been impatiently waiting for it to chime. He stood up quickly, looking around at the students filing out of the room. Finally, his eyes caught on Izumiko.

“Ah, you came, Izumiko.” Manatsu seemed to be the only person who had noticed her. “Today during lunch, the class group in charge of cooking for the festival is having a strategy meeting. You’ll have to give up eating lunch with Mayura until the festival’s over. Class A’s running a rival food stand, you know.”

“Oh, are they?”

“We’ll all be dressed in black with the student government for the whole first day so I guess it really doesn’t matter though,” he added.

It sounded like the class had talked about the festival that morning. The big event was taking place this weekend on both Saturday and Sunday and it was clear to see that the classes’ competitive spirits were already on the rise. The real competition wouldn’t begin until each class’s contribution to the festival was ready to go but every class, regardless of whether they were putting together a food stand or a performance, was already hyped up for the big day.  

“I didn’t expect to hear you two catching each other up on what we talked about this morning but here you are.” Karin Hasegawa, the leader of the cooking group, broke into their conversation. “I guess you want to strengthen Class C’s teamwork. Izumiko, were you sick? Are you feeling better now?”

Finding herself standing next to Karin’s solid form, Izumiko hurriedly replied, “I’m okay now. I’ll join the lunch meeting.”

“You were one of the princess models at the kimono demonstration, right? There’s a picture of you going around everyone’s cellphones and computers like crazy. It has a caption on it that says, ‘Who is this?’.”

“What? I didn’t know that!” Manatsu’s eyes went wide. Unlike his sister, Manatsu didn’t play around on the internet. Now that Izumiko had used Daisei’s computer to search the web a little, even she was probably better at using the internet than him.

“It was horrible how long it took people to figure out it was you! I thinkyesterday someone finally wrote, ‘It’s Izumiko Suzuhara from Class 1-C’.”

“Did you really model, Izumiko” Manatsu asked in disbelief at Karin’s words.

“Yeah… It wasn’t planned…” Izumiko answered, blinking. Truthfully, she had already filed the unexpected modeling event away in her head as something that had happened in the past. As a result, her reaction to his question had been delayed. It was also true that she hadn’t been on the web at all on Saturday so there was no way she would have seen the picture.

“The middle school student didn’t come and they needed someone else fast. I was the only substitute available…”

“I wasn’t at school that day. I missed out!” Manatsu said, sounding disappointed.

Izumiko shook her head. “It wasn’t a big deal. It was just something I couldn’t say no to.”

Karin laughed. “Knowing you, they forced you into it. But still, if you look at the picture, you’ll see this unbelievably gorgeous person standing there.”

“Really?”

“Seriously. That’s why there was so much uproar about wanting to know who it was. Everyone knew who your sister was the moment they saw her picture, even though she was dressed as a princess.”

“Oh, I saw that, too— The picture of Izumiko dressed as a princess!” Miyuu Hatano said, appearing as if out of no were and joining the conversation. “I didn’t attend the lecture but I wanted to know how it went and I was looking everywhere for pictures. You were so pretty, Izumiko. You know what else is popular these days? Pictures of ghosts.”

“Pictures of… ghosts?” Izumiko and Manatsu repeated at the exact same time. Karin looked doubtful.

“Uh, but aren’t they just someone’s idea of a bad joke?”

“Maybe but they keep showing up one after another. Everyone’s been posting pictures of places around the lecture hall lately. People look at them really closely and start seeing things here and there,” Miyuu said. She sounded nothing but amused. Clearly, she wasn’t frightened at all. “There are lots of people who think there are plenty more ghosts to find in that area if you search hard enough. I bet there’ll be a lot of people out looking again tonight.”

This was a topic Izumiko couldn’t ignore. Whether it had anything to do with the goddess or not, she couldn’t just stand there calmly and keep listening.

“What kind of pictures have they been taking?”

“They’re just like normal ghosts pictures that you usually see. Floating human-like shadows and faces, hands and feet in places you’d never believe…”

“…How about my picture? Were any of those things in it?”

Sensing Izumiko’s discomfort, Miyuu grew hesitant and uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “There wasn’t anything like that in your photo. I’m sorry. Ignore what I’m saying. There’s so many pictures of you, Izumiko. I bet you’re embarrassed.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Karin said firmly. “People who believe in pictures of ghosts are idiots, anyway. They’re just illusions made by tricks of light and the photo manipulation we can do nowadays.

“Yeah, it’s all just for fun,” Miyuu said vehemently as well. “Everyone’s getting pumped up for the upcoming festival, I guess. Hey, I heard a rumor saying that the third years are putting together a really awesome haunted house. I bet that’s why everyone’s been talking about ghosts.”

Izumiko forced a smile onto her face and nodded. All the same though, she had a vague feeling that something else was going on in the school.

Keep reading!

#rdg #red data girl #rdg 4 week 23 #translation #rdg world heritage girl

[jammixes-blog]

Everybody’s Business

Ironically, as a public person, a politician cannot be cyber bullied. But, any bad politician can cyber bully entire Nations, or the whole world, tweeting like a twat.

We live in an age of shameless voyeurism...

The biggest threat to Humankind’s soul and progress is privacy. Never was privacy so important to be conscious of, and so jeopardized.

Privacy has become an illusion in cities, big or small. The only way to have privacy is to be “off the Grids”, in the middle of nowhere, far from any network... I experienced it, for a short time, in California, 5 hours away from San Francisco, in the Californian wilderness. Otherwise, we are all, without exception, not vulnerable, but watched and listened to...or, at least, recorded... In today’s world, if you really want privacy, you do not use a smart phone or the internet. None of us can. So, it’s time to regulate the whole thing, before it starts becoming a dangerous, complex, and overwhelming problem...

I’ve seen so many Google Map cars, around different cities in the world. My question is: What happens to the original footage, the one before the pixelated one?

I am very perplex about Americans letting Google, Twitter, Facebook, Apple, and the rest of Silicon Valley evade trillions of dollars in taxes, every decade. Shouldn’t that money go back to the American people? And, why do all the internet Gurus are warning the rest of us that these same corporations are making thousands of dollars, yearly, from each one of us, without telling us, selling our datas? They all say “Free For Life”, who is? I’ve read Google’s Terms of Agreement and Privacy Statement, it’s bullshit, I have a Law degree. They basically officially state that they are responsible for nothing and can change and do anything with your datas. Truly, something there is very fishy, illogical, and dishonest. Who is going to stand up to them? It might be a rhetorical questions. I could do it. But, with the help of La Hague, and the support of Canada and the rest of the world.

I am never wrong, when I am consciously being subjective... But, you would be, to think it’s wrong.

Everyone is free and entitled to personal opinion. And, also, everyone is free and entitled to cover their ears and ignore other personal opinions. But, no one is free or entitled to deprive anyone else from their personal opinion, under any pretext, since they would all be based on personal opinion.

Maybe it’s age, growing impatience, or laziness, but, from writing short stories, to make a point, I got to just state the point.

Usually, you are only conscious of something, when you have to directly experience it yourself, body, mind, and soul. Otherwise, it only happens to others.

Compassion is experiencing the other willingly and consciously, to help out. It extends to ALL life forms that exist in Nature and our Atmosphere.

I will gladly invest in any company that will provide me with an umbrella or roof against pieces of the trash we put in orbit, around the Earth, when they start falling down.

Luckily, they are still stars in the Toronto night sky. Not as many as in Kobenhavn, only the closest and biggest ones. But, it’s still a consolation. Hopefully, we stop building those soulless condos, and start creating a Happy City. I say “we”, I’ve swore allegiance to the Queen, i.e. Canada, when I was 14, in winter. I got the Citizenship Card stolen. I don’t regret the picture. As a young punk, I had my hair trimmed short, with my ears protruding... and, you can’t proudly show your 3-holes steel-toe Docs in those official pictures...

As a punk in my teens, I had a collection of Doc Martens. My old friends remind me, a detail had forgotten, that I cleaned them constantly, and didn’t let anyone dirty them or get too close... That was my main instrument of rebellion, since I had steel-toe Docs I bought in London, every summer, at the time, they were too expensive in Montreal and they didn’t have the 3 holes steel-toe. I had them in black and red, as well as different 8 holes. I was lucky, I had a Kool gang of friends, Kokis, Rodriguez, outside school, and the rest of the class, like Bertrand, Bert, the 2 Nicolas, one of them a fucking good cartoonist, who initiated me to Bahaus. That’s because he never changed his T-Shirt, the one with Bahaus on it, I was curious. With Kokis though, we started jamming musically, it was too funny, him on the guitar and me singing. That’s because my parents refused to let me buy or play a musical instruments, fearing that it will take my focus away from studies and sports. Nevertheless, I was very keen on music. Thanks to Kokis’ big bro and stepdad, I got initiated to heavy metal and a lot of 60s band. Thanks to me, Kokis got every Beatles album, the Who, Jimi Hendrix, French punks like Garcons Boucher’s “La Lambada”, or 1/2 of the Beru albums he didn’t have, and my poems/freestyle punk tunes. Thanks to him, I got to discover Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, a lot of French punk bands, Iron Maiden, Siouxies and the Banshies, the Cult, the Smiths, and many others, including classical music. Kokis and I also played chess together, on self-made boards. I bought the pieces and made a board on an old square coffee table. When Rodriguez came, the trio was complete. We played ping pong in my basement. Then, Rodriguez and I would pogo dance on punk tunes, then start practicing martial arts on each others, then, take our leather jackets, our jack knives, and wonder aimlessly along the subway stations, hoping to pick a fight with racist skinheads, or idiots who would provoke us. It never happened, these times. I did provoke, however, a fight, with the public school, a block away. Not my fault. Innocent. I was walking out of school with two female classmates I happened to like, in the middle. A guy from the other school walks straight up and pushes one of the girls with his shoulder. I turned back and I said in French: “Calmes yes coulees” i.e. “Calm your balls down...”. I kept on walking, said goodbye to the girls, and, as my Mum was pulling her car to pick me up, she’s always the one to bail me out of trouble, somehow, maybe her instinct. Anyway, I get pushed violently from behind, I turn back, it was the idiot, with two friends. He was pulling a knife from his pants. My brother came out of the car and pulled me in. He does that, when I fight, most of the times, to defend his ass. I told the guy I had to go, but to come back tomorrow. The three idiots ran after one of my two best buddies, that year, Lambert, into the school. He was saved by the friends of his famous big bro, a star broomball player, in his final year, build like a hockey player. The news travelled fast, the next day, every guy in my class had a weapon, was cool-ass. There were nunchakus, sticks, knives, sprays, etc. The other school never showed up.