#i do acknowledge that clique mentality happens to the best of us
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Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.
(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply!)
There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.
Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment.
1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains.
In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing.
The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public.
Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.
2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”
This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.
That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.
Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know.
The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.
3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.
Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol
At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.)
So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.
Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.
Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”
You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.
Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.
Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes.
The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️
What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it!
And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!
That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits.
As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.
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BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #167
Hey, I’m not dead!
Yeah, sorry that took a while. Had a lot of real-life shit to work through, honestly. In any case, I finally sat my butt down to really crack down on yet another fun-tastical chapter. Tomoko’s actually doing what a lot of quasi-incel degenerates are afraid to do in high school and is taking an actual stab at self-improvement. Will karma rear its ugly head, or is the series now beyond that point?
Chapter 167: Because I’m Not Popular, I’ll Spend My Time Wisely unlike me
This is a really pretty shot and...that’s about it. Real pretty.
Oh dear! The friendship disease has disrupted Tomoko’s gremlin-like body clock and has her waking up early like a healthy human being!
Reminds of that one Gintama episode. You know, that one with Kagura and the sick kid and you don’t care, do you?
I know Japan prides itself on its cheap, quality goods, but Tomoko is a real penny-pincher, eh? Well, she’s a Gen Zer, so I can’t complain.
Not sure if this makes me sound like a perv or whatever, but hot damn, the detail on this model is stupidly good. I mean, just look at the patterning on that bra. You can really tell when Ikko’s really getting into the art.
They’re really milking the armpit fetish, aren’t they?
Tomoko...sweetie...my girl...
You don’t even have a dick. I mean, sure, you could find it fascinating from a purely educational, not-applicable-to-you perspective. And yeah, I suppose it could be useful if you were to start a sexual relationship with a noncanonical male. But to be honest, I can’t help but take it as more signs of your gender dysphoria here.
I mean, hey, whatever floats your boat.
Well, they say kids learn more about practical knowledge out in the real world than in school, don’t they?
Then again, coughgoogleitcough.
I always thought Tomoko was just having some kind of psychosomatic experience when she talks about being de-energized from a lack of sexual stimulation.
Now I’m inches from calling that shit an actual, physiological withdrawal.
Ah, the good ol’ days. Back when future prospects felt like a lifetime away and you could spend days on end dicking around, lamenting the need to get serious, and disregarding your resolve right after because you secretly didn’t really care.
...I gotta stop projecting.
Despite Tomoko proving time and again that she can be a crass-hole with a negative outlook on life, it’s when she does childish things like laying your head on your arm when studying and cuddling her plushies that her innocent side pops up and you realize that Tomoko’s a legitimate cutie.
Fake-smoking? Tomoko, stop! If you keep this up, you’ll turn from a deconstruction of a cute, moe girl to becoming an actual cute, moe girl.
I only just noticed that Tomoko’s wearing a “happy” shirt. Remember when she was sporting the “alone” shirt back in year one? Even her clothes get character development.
Oh, shit. Your girl Yuu-chan talking this whole cram school thing seriously even though she’s at a disadvantage. You see, this is why Yuu is literally the best. Despite being at the “top” of the school clique food chain, she has not once ever felt like “bottomfeeders” like Tomoko and Komi were below her in any way. Sure, she knows they’re weirdos, but she makes those acknowledgments without judgement, and all while putting herself on the same leveling field. She doesn’t love them ironically–she loves them sincerely, and that’s why Yuu is awesome.
Sorry if this turned into a ramble, but Yuu only gets like, one panel of dialogue nowadays and I wanted to make the most of it.
Tomoko be raising that “phone-call” flag like a motherfucking chad.
...
...
...
Oh, sorry. I saw Yuri with her hair down and lost track of time.
...
...
...
Damn, Yuri’s pretty.
Black leggings at home? That’s exactly the kind of conservative attire Yuri would wear and only Yuri could look amazing in. Seriously, If Ikko hadn’t become a manga artist, she would have made a damn fine fashion designer.
And Tomoko be crushing that “home-visit” flag like a motherfucking chode.
I could make a pretty tasteless joke about how “haha, Yuri will never look at you like you’re trash like she does at Tomoko,” but,
a. it’s just the angle of the smartphone like Yuri said, and
b. you’d probably prefer to get denied like that, wouldn’t you?
I can’t help but wonder if Tomoko realizes just how homoerotic she sounds. Like, does she have any inclination that her borderline-sexual harassment jokes could easily be misconstrued as flirting? Sure, she might be using the old excuse that “we’re both girls, so it’s fine right?”, but given that Tomoko at least knows about LGBTQ+, you’d think it would have at least crossed her mind.
Or maybe, on a sadder note, Tomoko doesn’t see it as flirting because she really does have zero faith in her own attractiveness...
There is no heterosexual reason for this exchange whatsoever.
Alright, so I’m a dude, so...hell do I know. But do girls typically not wear bras when just lounging around the house? I know Tomoko is the kind to just wear tank tops if she can help it, but I always thought that was a characterization unique to her, and that other girls wear bras for the comfort and support like any other undergarment. I mean, sure, Yuri’s kind of reserved, but I wouldn’t think wearing a bra at home would be considered an oddity, yeah? I ask this out of genuine curiosity, but I’ll stop before it gets too creepy.
Side note, you can officially tell when Yuri gets pissed by her nose crinkles.
I could give a long, analytical spiel about why Yuri didn’t give Tomoko a straight answer and speculate on what she was doing, but I eventually realized the answer was actually really simple:
It didn’t fucking matter to the story.
The last time Tomoko had one of these “I know!” moments, she ended up trimming her pubes on a class trip. But surely Tomoko’s character growth wouldn’t allow something like that to happen again, would it not? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Adorbs.
Can’t fight awkward with awkward, can you?
Tomoko, what are you playing at? You just said that video chatting was erotic and tried to get Yuri to lewd herself for you. And now you were planning to appear on-screen totally naked and you somehow don’t see any sexual implications for this at all? Finding it funny would be an elementary schooler’s mentality. If you seriously have no confidence in your sexuality, then sweetheart, you need some help.
You ever notice that Tomoko can lie through her teeth when trying to screw with people, but when lying to be nice, it sounds so phony? I think that says a lot about the kind of person she is.
Ya’ll knew I was gonna add this panel, didn’t you?
I was never one to go crazy about blushing anime girls ‘cause to me, it always felt like it stemmed from some sadistic desire to see girls look uncomfortable. So while I can’t get behind it for reasons like that, I can admit that Yuri’s blush is fucking precious and I think that’s because I love seeing her so emotionally transparent for once. It feels rare, raw and well-earned after all this time, so yeah. A++
Oh, Tomoko, if only you knew that skill often has nothing to do with it. Yuri’s not embarrassed because she sucks at humming, but because you saw a side of her that she only lets out in private. Trying to reassure her is a good move, but putting the girl on blast like that is not going to end well.
I felt like the vibration alone would’ve left a huge-ass crack on Yuri’s phone screen. This whole moment is like eleven tiers of funny because even though Tomoko is probably miles away, the impact of Yuri’s punch still jostles her. It also helps that we can visibly see Yuri’s fist come down mere millimeters from Tomoko’s mug.
There is no escaping her wrath, Tomoko.
I feel you, girl. For me, nothing beats a good ol’ burger and fries after a hard day of studying.
Careful there, Tomoko. If there’s one thing that studying has taught me (other than I hate it), it’s that you could get serious burn out if you go all-out on the first day, especially if you’re typically not a regular studier. Always make sure to get dem breaks in.
That sounds like the kind of line you’d see in a mainstream shounen action manga like [ ]. I don’t even have a direct reference here, so feel free to fill in the blank.
Hey, with Tomoko’s luck, I was expecting karma to hit her harder than Truck-kun in an isekai anime, so I consider this a small loss.
Man, remember when we were young and had ambitions as high as the sky, and we all wanted to change the world by being firefighters, astronauts, idols, and presidents?
Kind of sucks that “financial stability” has become our goal in life as we enter adulthood. Perhaps that’s just the mindset creative-types like Tomoko have towards the STEM industry when it’s hard to see what makes that world so personally fulfilling.
Oops, my opinions are starting to seep in, so let's move on.
Nooo, don’t do it, Nico Tanigawa Tomoko! Don’t sell out your passions for financial security even though it’s a totally viable career decision! How else are we going to validate the pursuit of our artistic dreams?
How in the hell is Tomoko balancing that drink? I’m willing to let it pass for rule of cute, but I don’t care how secure that cup is. One wrong move and those practice sheets are done for.
Jesus Christ, Nemo is on some otherworldly dimension of cute right here.
I don’t even think Tomoko is trying to one-up her or anything. This is already the most effort she’s given to study in a single instance, so I think she genuinely just wants to share this personal accomplishment.
You know, while it’s already been established that Tomoko and Nemo have different tastes in anime, that doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t watch the same show, right? Just for different reasons. While Nemo would watch her cute slice-of-life series earnestly, Tomoko would probably watch them ironically MST3K-style. In any case, it’s a good way for them to find some common ground.
Bruh, Nemo must be over the fucking moon for this opportunity. Think about it: when was the last time she’s had someone to watch anime with her? After concealing her power level for so long, this could be the first time Nemo has had a fellow anime fan to geek out over a series with. And not just discussing it afterward, but actually reacting to a live episode together.
Nemo may give Tomoko all kinds of shit, but this is actually what she wanted all along, wasn’t it?
Boy, Tomoko sure gets pretty demanding when she’s sleep-deprived, huh? I’d hate to see how loose her inhibitions get when she’s stark-raving drunk.
Is this referencing the Quintessential Quintuplets anime? I don’t know anything about it other than that’s a kickass title.
Hey now, Tomoko, beggars can’t be choosers. Let Nemo give you the play-by-play at her own pace. She’s even acknowledging that you hate the source magazine without a hint of judgment. She’s gonna go places.
At first, I thought all this recent armpit content was just an incidental joke. Then I thought it was the mangaka slyly inserting their fetish into the series. Then I realized the series turned the joke on its head and made it a meta-reference about their very thing their readers were accusing them of.
Well played.
You ain’t slick with that leg service, Nino Tanigawa. Just sayin’.
Seriously though, I love the dynamic going on in this conversation. Tomoko and Nemo are approaching the discussion from different outlooks, the former looking at it from a degenerate’s perspective and the latter looking at it more optimistically. But even so, they’re not trying to “get the upper hand” like they might've done before. They’re simply having a totally organic talk about what they do and don’t like about the series, while still recognizing each other’s personal preferences. For once, it’s completely devoid of passive aggressiveness and it really shows how earnest their friendship has become.
At some point, I think Tomoko’s consumed so much near-pornographic content that pretty much all anime, manga, VNs, etc. looks like the same hentai to her.
Every fiber of my being says that this is a reference to Komi-san Can’t Communicate, but it could just as well be the mangaka shooting themselves in the foot for a good joke. In any case, I do like how they point out shy, socially awkward girls is a rising trend that borders on romanticizing communication problems.
Does that make Watamote a hipster manga since it did the whole “social anxiety girl” shtick before it was cool?
I wanted to make a pretentious joke about how basic that anime sounds and how I’m so above a show that panders to the masses, but even I like junk food, so I’ll spare you the hypocritical humor.
If Ucchi caught a glimpse of this, she’d probably explode right on the spot.
I spent a good five minutes trying to decipher how Tomoko’s sleeping expression could be seen as “happy”, and I realized that it’s not that she looks happy. It’s that she doesn’t look unhappy. I’d imagine that those plagued by anxiety and stress have it evident on their face when they sleep, so the fact that Tomoko fell asleep in relative bliss must mean she’s had a pretty satisfying day. To top it all off, this is one of the few times someone–and Nemo of all people–has seen Tomoko in all her vulnerability.
And you know what? Nothing bad happened. No punchline undermining the moment, no sarcastic quip, no embarrassment. Just genuine sweetness and it really speaks to the series’ faith in its heartwarming moments.
As a final note, I just wanted to thank everyone again for their patience. I’ve been trying to put a fresh spin on this, making it a little more comedic since its honestly getting harder to “analyze” without constantly repeating myself. It’s a lot of fun, and I hope you guys enjoy it for what it is.
#watamote#watamote review#chapter 167#no matter how i look at it it's you guys' fault i'm not popular!#tomoko kuroki#yuu naruse#yuri tamura#hina nemoto#review
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i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.
i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.
before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.
as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.
the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.
for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.
there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements.
however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.
what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.
for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.
it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.
for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.
obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.
if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.
if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.
i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail [email protected] is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.
as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.
as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.
if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.
it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.
thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.
once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.
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Harry Potter AU ideas (Nicotino)- Part 1
The other day I saw a post with a marauders moodboard for the contrabbandieri and inevitably I had to come up with a whole Harry Potter AU scenario for Marti and Nico, so my lame ass will share it with you all.
Read below
Warnings: mentions of mental illness, slightly angsty.
As everybody knows Marti is Remus, Gio is James (Eva is Lily duh), Elia is Sirius and Luchino (sorry bby) is Peter (Peter in this scenario is a good egg that will never turn against his friends).
I’m sorry but Marti definitely is a Gryffindor (he might be a snake at times but his bravery and love for his friends is what matters the most) along with Gio, Elia, and Luchino.
Niccolò is a year above them and is a Hufflepuff (I won't have him go to Slytherin okay !! He's too tiny and soft !! I don't care that Slytherins are supposedly the most creative).
On the contrabbandieri’s first year (so they’re very tiny, around 11 y.o.), Niccolò notices the redhead in the corridors, but Marti does not notice him before months, too caught up in his new life at Hogwarts and his new friends.
Niccolò feels instantly happier whenever he sees Marti. He likes to watch him from afar and to witness the dynamics he has with his friends. He doesn't try understand why. He's an innocent 12 year old.
Niccolò also has a clique, but they’re not as chaotic as the contrabbandieri. They’re all quite nerdy and artsy.
Marti finally notices Nico, passing by him while going up the stairs, and thinks he’s cute. Nico is engrossed in a conversation and is babbling excitedly about magic spells you can perform on musical instruments. Marti turns to glance at him once more because, how can one person be so beautiful?
By the end of the year they never got to actually talk to each other.
But then the following year Marti integrates the art club after losing a bet against Gio. Guess who he finds there ??
Nico !! Nico is there and they engage in a lengthy conversation. They feel instantly comfortable around each other.
Marti ends up looking forward to art club meetings even though he doesn't have one ounce of an artistic fiber in his body. Niccolò always laugh with his whole body at whatever Marti tries to create. On the other hand, Marti is completely fascinated by Nico's masterpieces.
Nico becomes Marti's "secret friend", in the sense that he never talks about him to the contrabbandieri. He greets him in the corridors but he doesn't tell them that they've become good friends. He doesn't know why, it just feels right for him to keep this one thing just for himself.
Nico and Marti don't hang out outside of club meetings, they both have their group of friends and houses don't usually mingle. So they never really think of proposing it to the other.
A lot of things happen in the summer that follows Marti's second year. His dad leaves, his mom's depression has gotten worse.
Marti feels relieved to go back to Hogwarts and be reunited with Gio, Elia and Luchi. And also to see Nico !! He thought about him a lot during the summer.
When Marti sees Nico in the corridor he ask him if he signed up for the art club. He tells him that no, he won't be part of it this year. Martino notices that there's a change in Niccolò's eyes that he doesn't like. Nico cuts the conversation short and tells him he'll see him around. Marti feels so disappointed as he was looking forward to hang out with Nico again, even if it meant going to the art club for another year.
The thing is Niccolò has experienced personality disorder symptoms during the summer. He's not yet diagnosed. he has been going through a lot of downs lately and doesn't really feel like himself. He has not been feeling as creative as he used to.
Niccolò hates himself for acting like this when it was clear that Martino was happy to see him. But everything seems out of control and the last thing he needs is for red curls and freckles to mess with his head even more (that's what he thinks).
Martino feels there's something going on but doesn't dare to ask. Nico doesn't try to reach out to him and barely acknowledges him when he sees him. Marti doesn't like it one bit. Doesn't like that Nico feels like a stranger now. He still sees him laughing with his friends, smiling widely. So Martino starts wondering if Nico got bored of him and that's why he stopped talking to him all of a sudden.
But then one day Marti is walking alone one evening on his way to the dorms, and he sees Nico sitting alone, looking deep in thought. Marti goes to him - he wants to talk to him damnit - asks him how he's doing. Niccolò smiles softly at him and it almost felt like nothing had changed between them.
But it had - and after that night they'd still barely interact. They would steal glances. Looking at each other from afar. Niccolò would look sad sometimes and Martino wanted to run to him and take him in his arms. He couldn't find it in himself to be mad at him.
Marti's mom isn't doing better, it's taking a toll on Marti's morale. Christmas break is long and uneventful.
it's a good thing Marti has Gio, Elia and Luchino to cheer him up and distract him by organizing escapades thanks to their marauders map.
Over spring Marti sees Niccolò with a blond girl. They're apparently dating. Marti knows he shouldn't be bothered, and that he should just let it go. If Nico doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, he can't force him.
Maddalena is also a Hufflepuff and Nico has been friends with her since the very start. They sort of went from being friends to dating without much thought. It just seemed natural. For some reason being with Maddalena makes him feel a little bit more settled and less anxious.
Nico decides it's best to leave Martino alone. He's convinced himself Martino doesn't need him in his life.
By the end of his fourth year Niccolò accepts that he's into girls and boys. It just doesn't matter to him. He's turning 15.
Nothing much changes in the following year. Marti is in his fourth year, Nico his fifth. Nico still is with Maddalena. He still glances at Marti whenever he can even though he's trying not to. He doesn't like that Martino seems to isolate himself from his friends.
Martino is more and more aware of the fact he's into boys. And that he couldn’t care less about any girl at Hogwarts. He's getting tired pretending to. He wishes he didn't feel left out with the boys, but they talk more and more about girls.
Marti still isn't able to get Nico out of his mind. He still misses him. He still feels his heart breaking when he sees him smiling his biggest smile to Maddalena.
Marti's fourth year has gone so fast. He's back home, and things are progressively getting better with his mom. They're finding a balance.
In the meantime, Niccolò is diagnosed with BPD. His world is upside down. But it also means he'll be able to start a treatment, and that he might be able to control the symptoms he's been experiencing better.
Nico is anxious about going back to Hogwarts, but for some reason he's been thinking a lot about Marti over the summer and whenever he does it makes him feel slightly better.
Martino has grown a lot in the past year, Nico noticed. He's taller and broader, his freckles and curls are still very much there though. As well as the warmth in his eyes and his cute smile. He really does miss him, even after all this time.
To be continued...
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It is no secret that bullying and social issues are problematic, at school, on social media, at home and in the workplace.
So why does it happen and how do you deal with it?
The workplace is like our second home, so we should respect it and those in it.
So why is it that people in the workplace are so mean?
It is no secret that bullying and social issue are problematic, at school, on social media, at home and in the workplace.
Given we spend so many hours of our life in our work space, we not only need social interaction to survive, we also need to be happy and to feel valued. When we experience social issues like bullying and exclusion for an extended time, this can lead to complex mental health issues amongst other things.
When you are placed in a work space, you don’t get to choose who you work with. So, you are spending almost 40 hours a week with people who you have to co-operate with.
There are varying reasons for why people at work can be mean, and underlying issues to explain their behaviour.
STAFF IN THE WORKPLACE
Social Comparison.
Cliques.
Territory.
Personality clash.
Many years ago, when I was 16 years old, I attended a school that catered to both adults and adolescents. I was enrolled into the adult section, repeating year 11. There was a 21 year old girl, who learned that I was working at her local Woolworths on the register. For reasons unknown to me, she would regularly come in and taunt me.
As a teen, I assumed that when you become an adult, you mature. But this is not our reality.
_____________________________
SOCIAL COMPARISON
According to Psychologist Leon Festinger.“
Human beings have the drive to assess their opinions and to know more about their abilities and when they are incapable of evaluating their opinions and abilities, they tend to compare themselves with others.
Active downward comparison happens when a person compares himself with others by demeaning or causing harm to them. By derogating the target or causing harm to him, this person generates a situation in which the target is worse off than him, therefore giving him the chance to make a downward comparison.”
When someone says something cruel to bring another person down, their ultimate goal is to make that person feel insecure.
For the girl who would taunt me, she had decided that there was something about me that threatened her. She had her own insecurities to battle with, so it made her feel better believing she could break me down.
And in case you are wondering, it did not work.
Eventually, she gave up.
_____________________________
In the working environment, we have a lot to prove. When you look around, you see people doing things with what seems to be
‘complete ease.’
For example, a girl I used to work with was an extremely fast typer, so she was able to complete her admin work much faster than I. People have skills and qualities that you don’t have, but vice versa. So, what happens is, we tend to compare. And for some people, this can feel threatening.
When we compare, we do 1 of 3 things.
Accept that they have something we don’t and focus on our own skills.
Be inspired and try to improve upon that skill.
Resent them for having something we don’t.
Question
: What do you do when you can see someone else is progressing further along than you because they are stronger in this skill?
I want to leave you with something on this particular point. When my son and niece were both about 4 years old, my sister and I took them to a mums and Bubs music group.
As we were playing a game where a child would get chosen to “hold the puppets”, my niece desperately wanted to be chosen but wasn't. I saw my sister quietly say to her, “when someone else gets chosen, you should cheer them on”. Her message here was...
"Build others up and celebrate their successes as they happen."
_____________________________
CLIQUES
A clique is a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them.
To feel included and a part of something, requires social interaction.
A social group
is formed by fellow colleagues chatting in the workplace and everyone is welcome to join.
A clique
is a group of people who stick to that group and rarely, others receive invites or acknowledgement from those within the clique.
Usually, there is a leader and how this leader thinks and behaves will potentially influence the others in the clique. So, if the leader is somewhat of a mean girl, the others will generally follow.
The problem with cliques are, for those who are not in them may experience exclusion and isolation, and maybe some workplace bullying.
So what happens when the leader is your manager?
_________________________
Horrible bosses much?
I once witnessed a manager telling her team about a staff member who had called in sick. Our manager didn't believe the employee’s reason and discussed this opinion with her team, giving the girl a bad reputation.
Heres a thought, If she had said nothing, people within the team probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought.
Managers are to manage the team as a whole and individually. So when it comes to personal matters, this should stay between the manager and the individual. This was the moment where I lost confidence and trust in her.
My point here is, my manager was the leader of this clique and those who were not a part of it were gossiped about and spoken down to.
_________________________
So how do you manage people like this?
The issue is their behaviour and beliefs, not them as people. Although it can be really hard to, separating the 2, may help you navigate this much more easily.
Another consideration is to not always assume the worst. Expect that people will let you down, but don’t assume they will.
Option #1
Why not try getting to know them individually. Separating one from the herd can open doors for change.
Option #2
Step up and ask why they behave this way. Put them on the spot. Even if it’s your boss. Why this works is because they won't be expecting it. The element of surprise is quite effective.
Option #3
Take it to the boss. They have a responsibility to ensure each staff member is treated with respect. Even if your boss is close friends with them, do it anyway. They are your boss first and foremost.
_________________________
TERRITORY
Those who welcome others are true role models.
I have a Labrador, she is very playful and great with kids and other dogs. I wanted to take her to my friends place, but decided against it because she has a Rottweiler, who is very territorial.
When we feel secure in a space, it can be confronting and intimidating to have someone else come into that space. I am not saying we are like dogs, but I am saying, there are some emotional and protective similarities.
With kids, its their toys or bedroom. With adults, it’s our work space or home. We like familiarity, and something unfamiliar can make us feel uncomfortable. Some people have the ability to embrace this, but others don’t.
So, when a new staff member enters a workplace, certain people may respond in a negative way toward that person. They may need for others to gain their trust before they let their guard down. This type of person is very territorial. They earned their place there and expect, like a rookie, others should to.
_________________________
So how do you manage people like this?
I believe it is important to allow them the time to get to know you. Don’t hold it against them that this is how they deal with change. Be exactly who you are and do your job well. Focus on your work and learning the ropes. Eventually, by doing this, you will potentially gain their trust and be accepted into friendship with them.
_________________________
PERSONALITY CLASH
Sometimes, it is simply because they just don’t like you. We can't be liked by everyone, even though it does seem as though there are people out there who are loved by all, this is not possible.
We all have annoying traits, and some more than others, so when people are irritated but someone, they may tend to be pretty obvious about this.
A close friend of mine, Hayley, has a very outgoing personality, a great sense of humour, beautiful heart and is very loud. She never hides who she is, so when you meet her, you know exactly who you are getting to know.
She worked with a girl who would say nasty things to her, not because Hayley had done anything in particular to intentionally upset her, but simply because she didn't like how loud she was.
_________________________
Why did this bother her so much?
I believe there was an element of envy here. When someone is drawing attention to themselves, others are likely to stay in the shadows. Also, it can be tough for someone who is introverted to be spontaneous and outgoing. These people may need to do some soul searching.
At the end of the day, we don’t change our personalities so as everyone likes us, we be who we are and if people can't accept this, then tough bickies, that's on them.
_________________________
So how do you manage people like this?
Honestly, you don’t. You can't change other people, but you can only control how you respond. Continue being who you are, so long as you are doing it with integrity. So, if you are loud, that's okay, but don’t do it so as to annoy that person. If you are talkative, don’t antagonise them by talking to them a lot. Say hello and make small talk, but keep it to the minimum.
Showing kindness despite whether or not someone likes you is the best approach. You are then not giving them reason not to like you.
_________________________
Why are bosses mean?
HORRIBLE BOSSES
Lack of self awareness.
Denial & Culture.
Stress.
Misunderstanding.
Power.
_____________________________
LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional intelligence is a combination of self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skill.
As leaders, It is our responsibility to set an example. When we behave badly, we are setting a tone for our team that certain behaviours are acceptable. So, the second I see my manager gossiping with their staff about other staff, or humiliating them in front of others, I instantly lose a level of trust and respect for them.
When I was working for a medical clinic many moons ago, The office practice manager was renowned for her gossip in the workplace across her team. Every staff member knew and expected no less from her.
One day, a colleague took offence to something I had said which was in no way intended to upset her. A patient had a voicemail left by someone from our clinic and when I listened to it, I recognised my colleagues’ voice. The patient did not understand why this message had been left as it only requested for her to call back.
So, I asked my colleague what she was needing to talk to them about. She became angry with me accusing me of being wrong. I explained that I had heard her voice on the message service and that the patient was on the phone waiting to speak with her as requested.
She raised her voice at me and behaved quite irrational, saying that it is not possible for me to know it is her. Clearly, I had struck a nerve. I decided to end the conversation and advised the patient it must have been an error.
A day later, our practice manager approached me about the matter. What I found to be odd was her message behind what she said. She was talking to me about conflict in the workplace.
I found this to be quite ironic, mainly because she was in no way an example of someone who had an ability to resolve conflict or nurture healthy relationships with those around her.
The point I am making here is, when Managers behave poorly, it makes it very hard for their staff to see them as a leader. Nothing she said resinated with me because my focus was on her hypocrisy.
My boss lacked all of the qualities that made up emotional intelligence. She didn't realise that many staff submitted to her out of intimidation, or that her team perceived her as a dishonest and disloyal manager.
Is your manager actually being mean by gossiping about you or publicly humiliating you by pointing out a mistake you made?
YES! Let’s turn the question around. Is it nice to spread gossip about someone? Is it nice to belittle someone in public?
_________________________
So how do you manage a manager who behaves this way? If I had my time again, I would do this.
Sit them down and let them know that what they are doing is not something you will accept. You are an individual who has a right to feel empowered in the workplace and free from bullying and slander.
If you are worried about making your work environment harder for yourself, then ask yourself, is it not hard already? Would you see yourself staying for the next 5–10 years being treated this way?
By standing up for yourself you could potentially make things better, maybe there could be a future for you there.
If you are worried about losing your job, and you decide not to address the issue because of this, then it may be worth looking for another job. In saying this, consider that it could be the same in the next joint. You can't predict this, neither can you predict whether or not good can come from addressing the issue where you currently are.
You may save yourself a lot of time and energy searching for a new job simply by giving it a crack and fronting up to your manager.
_________________________
DENIAL & CULTURE
Respect is never gained by pushing others around.
When I was 18 years old, I was working at a Gloria Jeans Cafe in Brisbane. The Manager there would yell and swear at her staff, me included.
She even received a complaint from a customer saying she frightened her and will never return again.
One day at work, I had just topped up the beans, both the normal and decaf. My manager didn't trust that I had done it correctly, so she took a handful of each and put her hands out in front of me. She then asked me which was which.
Now, this may seem like a normal and calm situation, but it wasn't. She was angry. I found this quite intimidating and therefore was unable to think clearly. So, I just kept staring at her hands. Finally someone outside the situation stepped in and answered the question. This ended it for me.
This form of behaviour is actually quite common across many work places. The biggest issue is that yelling and swearing in the workplace is not illegal, so unless Human Resources resolve the issue, there are not too many options available.
Did you know these behaviours have names?
Bullying, emotional abuse, psychological torture, verbal abuse in the workplace.
So, why do bosses behave this way?
I recall my manager saying to me one day that her bosses treated her this way when they managed the store. So, was this her way of excusing her behaviour and making it okay?
I believe she recognised that it was wrong, but I also believe she didn't know how not to do it. So, it was easier for her to live in denial and find excuses to make it acceptable.
The trouble is, her team one by one quit. Many of her staff were young girls who would tense up at the sound of her voice being raised. They would silently and subtly cry hoping she wouldn’t notice.
_________________________
STRESS
Work-related mental health conditions AKA psychological injuries, have become a major concern in Australian workplaces.
How much can one person really take on?
I have seen managers makes so many mistakes and absolutely lose it, simply because they are under a lot of pressure.
If your manager is under a lot of pressure and they are behaving terribly because of this, maybe it’s worth gently letting them know. I would not recommend talking to their superior about it unless you have already tried to address it with your direct manager and they were unwilling to listen.
It is not just you at risk, it is your manager, the company and the team who suffers.
Why it’s important to go to your manager first is, they may be the kindest person in the world when not stressed. They may just need to have it pointed out to them the impact on the team.
They may not be aware of the extent of the problem, or they may even have things going on in their personal life in addition. Who knows if your boss just had their husband or wife leave them that morning.
I am not saying their behaviour is acceptable, but there is a way around addressing it by bringing the issues to light and supporting them at the same time.
Sometimes managers too, need support. Yes, they are our leaders, but they are human beings who rarely get the recognition they deserve. In fact, they are more likely to be criticised than complimented.
_________________________
MISUNDERSTANDING
To be slow to react takes strength and wisdom.
Misunderstandings happen all the time, I would even be inclined to say nearly on the daily. The biggest issue with misunderstandings is, sometimes there are no opportunities to clear them up. Like a misunderstanding with a stranger who you never see again.
They can also lead to major problems, like mistakes at work or office conflict that never gets resolved.
When I began working for a company many years ago, my manager failed to train me on certain things. She ran the show quite differently to other managers. 6 months later, I was transferred to another site, and my new manager noticed that I didn't know as much as I should have.
I copped a lot of flack from her and other staff until finally, we had conversation that helped her realise I had not been told or taught certain things.
This was a defining moment for both of us. Not only did it improve our relationship but it also improved our work life. By learning this, she began to teach me things I didn't know and found that I was actually a pretty good employee. But had she not learned the underlying issue, I would have eventually left.
If you notice your boss is behaving unkind or frustrated toward you, maybe just ask them why. Who knows what information might come to light.
_________________________
POWER
Power is to be used for good, not evil.
I am going to share a little story again, this one i’ll never forget. Earlier I mentioned I was working at a Gloria Jeans Cafe. The Manager set the tone for the Shift Supervisors that they can behave just as poorly.
One shift supervisor, Hannah, was regularly on a power trip. Her issue was that she not only gained no respect from the team but she positioned herself in a place only to be made fun of.
It was getting late in the day and Hannah was checking in that everything was being completed for closing, so she turned to the team and yelled “That dishwasher had better be down by 3pm, OR ELSE!”
Now, if this had have been a big brawly man with a powerful voice, maybe the intimidation tactic may have worked. But not for Hannah.
My colleague Taylor responded with, “Or what Hannah, what are you going to do?”. Of course, the entire team burst out in laughter at poor Hannahs expense. Let’s face it though, she kind of asked for this.
My last manager on the other hand did use his
power and intimidation
to influence his staff to ‘
perform
’. The secret about people who try to use ‘
power & intimidation
’ as a means to getting results, they need to be challenged. Submitting to them is only reinforcing their behaviour.
I rang my boss one day and told him that I didn't appreciate something he had done, to my surprise, he accepted my request to change that behaviour. The issue still was, that although he changed toward me, he continued to behave poorly toward other staff. All but 2 staff eventually quit.
When it comes to finding a solution, I recommend trying to resolve the matter with the person rather than going straight above them. Give them an opportunity to work through it with you rather than making a complaint.
_________________________
Here are 15 steps you could follow to help you determine how to identify underlying issues and how to best approach someone or a group of people in the workplace.
Consider the motivation behind their behaviour.
How is this behaviour impacting on you and your ability to work?
What about their behaviour would you like to see changed?
If they were to make the changes, how could they go about this?
Do you feel comfortable talking to them about the issue?
If you do feel confident having a chat with them, ask them to meet with you for a coffee.
If not, maybe consider asking a third party to be present so you are able to.
Let them know that their behaviour is having an impact on you and your work and ask them why they are doing this.
Whether or not they respond with an answer, remind them that it is impacting you and let them know what you would like to see changed.
Then ask them if they feel this is a reasonable request.
If they disagree, let them know that it’s an expectation of yours to see something change. Ask them what they feel may be more reasonable.
If they can't give you anything. Then there is nothing more you should do here. Document it and take it to your superior or their superior.
If they respond well to your approach, then this is a great opportunity to build a new relationship with someone you possibly never thought you would.
NEVER try to approach more than 1 person at a time.
Make sure to document everything that happened in the conversation and the changes you both agreed to put in place.
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Clearing the Clutter from My Brain
Before I begin, I have to clarify that anything that I put out there is not 100 percent true when it comes to what I assume is happening behind the scenes. I am mentally ill and while different communities will accuse me of using it as a crutch, I retort with this, since I am accused of saying the same shit, and maybe by saying the same shit I will eventually just turn into dust and disappear in mediocrity, but if these people at the top and their minions love to put it out there I am mentally ill and I am a piece of shit to dismiss any of my thoughts, then why can’t I use it back to my advantage since no matter what I say will not be taken seriously. I am not to be taken seriously they will fuck with my connection when I go on my platforms, so I cannot have a clear message, not like the actual speech from it is clear enough with my constant stammering, but at least with a blog I can at least intellectualize it a little better, even though it probably reads as someone in third grade and then throw in the mix of it being on tumblr with an outdated layout and format that I am too dumb to change, and even at the risk of it not being read by many, at least it is out there just like everything I have been transparent with in my life since everything WE all do is always monitored, and when the system decides it is convenient they will then expose whoever and whatever and create an elaborate reason why it has come to fruition.
So since I and others who choose to express themselves online get accused of being attention seekers etc, it normally comes from people who uphold the status quo and keep a limited narrative, even if they seem “woke” about certain things. I know anything I have said in my life and on all my platforms will come back to haunt me and the ones who perpetuate it are paid to bring it out because there is a system in play but since I already am blackballed from the rest of society and their secret rules that they swear does not exist, I have nothing to lose. They will either keep me this tortured and no one will pay attention to my delusional cries or eventually these people will push me to just fucking end it or maybe better they will actually decide to kill me. Since my computer has been hacked multiple times, I would not be shocked if they frame me for something since people in my life and the people they take orders from will fucking end me but not just destroy me, make sure I am here to endure the nonstop mental torture that no one will acknowledge and when it is too late they will then pat themselves on the back for pretending they care about something kind of like their soulless existence has to put on their best acting but since their act is so mediocre they don’t come off well but they sure do commit to the role of making it seem they are just like regular fucking people. I rather express my thoughts, as stupid as they may come across then have to hide who the fuck I am and how irrational I am because I am still recuperating from being dumbed down for the majority of my life but it is clear I am not witty or smart enough to be a part of this world.
It stems from the fact that I think I figured out me and a select few are chosen targets to exploit and there are underground ways to exploit someone since they can organize your appearances without knowing you are making one because they organize in group chats and pass around information and will use it on someone who they can blackmail, hence why so many lowly type of individuals are always recruited to be trolled. That is why people react to these trolls because they are not regular people, they are government agents. I think there is a contingent of people who have cliques to fight back and that I can understand but the overall existence of this type of digital gang warfare is on some next level, and so much so they dumb it down by giving limited solutions like “Why don’t you just log off” not disclosing that even if you log off these people can harass you and invade your privacy, especially if you are outspoken about the system. They have censored and killed off so many leftists who have tried to expose the system but all you ever hear is about some fucking nazi not being able to get a rise out of the “SJWS” being censored while the internet organizes and makes you believe these fucking nazi supporters are the ones who are the victims.
I could have sold my soul many times, but I did not want to partake in paid propaganda. I know being on my own mentally might not be the best because I entertain so much shit that I might be spreading propaganda without even realizing it but I always put the disclaimer not to take my word seriously because it is clear I have no fucking idea of what I am talking about since the people at the top or people in my life have made it clear how mentally ill I am, so much so they will never take accountability for what they did and are essentially gangsters behind the scenes, and since they are sensitive as I am, they collectively can fuck my life up or others if I don’t comply with them. Even with me wanting to die, they will approach me privately and politic, if it is not trying to be my fucking manager, or telling me that I am needed here so that is why I can’t die. If I die, their connection to the system goes away so they rather make it seem they are inviting me places, which are limited, and people giving me attitude if I ask any questions about anything, but they do that so if anything good happens to me they can say they did this for me. These people plan this shit out and organize within group chats. I seriously think people from my past at the behest of the system will end up harming me and maybe even killing me when they don’t actually need me. It would not be obvious, it could be a simple heart attack and you would not even blink because “HELLO… HE SMOKES CIGARETTES AND EATS LIKE SHIT” Maybe they have instilled so much paranoia into my fucked up brain by bringing up that my family and friends hate me and that they are partaking in torturing me, but even if that is the case is that not evident enough that I don’t belong on this planet? This is not some cry for help but sometimes I need to get this shit off my chest.
Not only do I have to deal with racist Stern fans who despise me and constantly remind me that Howard is paying them to watch me and fuck with me and if I dare take it seriously then it is that Howard does not know who I am, so you cause a shit storm of rage from me which I happened to manage well at times, even though I have my manic meltdowns and now lately since I have been vocal about the WWE’s corruption, I have certain cliques of the wrestling community to come after me because I dare think Roman Reigns’ cancer may have been exaggerated and any questioning in it has lead to these people who seem to be so caring and outraged of the idea that it could be fake they want to come across and seem like they are the ones who are thinking clearly while they still support a racist company tied to a racist president and has so many past scandals that have been thrown under the rug from paying people off or having people sign non disclosures. The worst part about it is how WWE have branded with certain minority groups be their employed shills who call out certain racism like a Lars Sullivan or Hulk Hogan and maybe a little performative outrage about the Saudi deal, but then ignore the hidden system shit that exists. It drives me crazy when it is people from a marginalized group because even though people got to make their money and this is the game, but the hypocrisy drives me nuts. I am not totally against the stuff the views they have because maybe while they shill out for WWE they do call out other racist elements in the industry, like Sinclair broadcasting or how AEW has ties to Trump as well since the owners donated too but it just seems they do it while protecting themselves in this neoliberalism, and whenever I call them out for being employed, the same ones will show up with the same insults, which then I use the same insults as well then they call me out for using the same insults. It is funny because initially when I did a stream the night Reigns came back and made the announcement, and after these supposed shills shut down some of these people who were questioning it and I happened to stick to my guns on it, these same caring people have no problem not showing remorse when I put it out there I am “feeling kind of suicidal” and then they tell me to go do it, and that is fine. I am not here to cry about people being mean on the internet in this instance, maybe in other instances but that is a different story, but to show these people are actually soulless.
It is going to be hilarious when at some point the scandals of this company eventually do catch up with them and there is an actual revolution into the business but so many people have upheld the status quo because they want to be included, and while I wanted to be included in general, not WWE in particular, I have become such an outspoken enemy to people in the industry, with government connection they would put the word out that someone like me will be coming to the States and they will use it as an excuse to detail in, so they will limit the moves I make while solely blaming it on me and making it seem like it is all on me, and I will take responsibility for the blame I share but the key word is SHARE, because I am not the sole owner of this fucking entire fucking dilemma. It makes me sick that even loved ones I have known my entire life can so easily master this effort that has been taught to them and they constantly lie to me and hold me in a position while they make the connections that exist because of me being a fucking prostitute on the fucking Stern Show, which bullies you to call back in and stay reliant on him, and the genius is the employed fan boys there can make it seem like it is on the whack packers for calling in and no one is forcing them.
No media outlet will ever look into it because Howard is powerful while still coming off as irrelevant into today’s culture. I see people who often talk about injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere and while I am not on the list of insanely even more important shit but since the media can focus on a celebrity using the N word and have nonstop performative conversations about it like it is the be all end all of all discussion on racial inequality, I am sure you could go for someone who has pimped out people mentally and maybe sexually under the guise of entertainment while creating chaos in these people’s lives. I relate to others in these institutions mentally even though I have not gone through what they have physically, but that is why is makes me upset that no one will ever take a stand against these bullies.
I wonder if I am supposed to call it out and these people at the top are now playing roles of the villains when they were once revered in a positive light and they have to make it real thus making us really want to rise up and maybe because other people who are not as big but still have prominence are kind of woke but still have to kiss the elites ass help normalize these people and sometimes they are misunderstood it makes you have a case of constant cognitive dissonance and because I am already dumbed down, it makes me not being sure and I just want to be left alone forever and never be seen because no matter what people will eventually become the bad guy. I am already seen in such a fucking negative light and will always be a fucking joke who is probably one of the most pathetic and ugly people on the planet, why should I be here? And no this is not me feeling sorry for myself or asking for your pity, just like I don’t need your retweets, likes, internet points etc I do this because this is what I am feeling and if you feel it then good, if not then fuck you.
Look at how this generation gets put down for being “entitled” when the same public figures and their sycophants don’t acknowledge the tantrums they have had or the amount of shit hey had to do to get their spot because they were not strong enough to say no and you have that fucking audacity to fuck with people who know their value and won’t let these corporations pimp them out and use them until they are nothing. You have the audacity to blame us for people being outraged and being about free speech but you never acknowledge the right wing who become outraged about shit. And it is like these employed fan boys of these public figures are being so transparently defensive of their every fucking move, and as someone who used to be dumbed down and buy into that, I have now seen it for what it is, and even though not everything warrants a complaint, the utter hatred for the people rather than the system organizing this reaction really shows why nothing will ever fucking change.
If I end up being right and Vince McMahon has to answer for past scandals like all these other public figures, who were in prominent positions, but have to answer for it and now have to be the heels, then I wonder what scary shit these trolls will do because it seems they are sending more recently towards me. They will either have to retreat or finally admit they are part of that establishment clique and basically run good PR for them. The entire AEW thing too has become annoying because it seems like there are insufferable people shilling out for them too but I guess they are lesser of the evils, but I await when the day they become the established enemy since we all go in cycles.
I have not called into other wrestling radio shows because certain ones I helped prop up have fucked me over and have become more like Stern Show with their tactics, and always wanting me to kind of snap if they keep me on hold until the end so if I say anything they will ban me, and they were already limiting my topics when I would call in like bringing up the Reigns cancer being fake, and since I did not get to be part of their 10 year anniversary I decided not to even give that show any of my time, even if they don’t want to admit that I had more to do with the success, because you can’t have me buying into my own fucking hype. They have to keep me at a level, so I got sick of it and now I can see they will probably organize my platforms to fuck up so I won’t have a voice to speak on shit about the industry, especially if I don’t keep it within the parameters they would like me to.
At least the old youtuber that harassed me for the last year or so is paying the price by being exposed by his new reddit community that he used to clean up his image and do videos reading stories and since he could not help himself in not politicking to destroy someone with a bigger audience his community put two and two together that he was actually someone who was banned from youtube before. It was probably the funniest thing that I have laughed at since the remainder of shit in my life is completely sad. I wish it was Stern being exposed even though they have trained you to start thinking Howard was evil, by focusing on him in the Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon but painting him as the main guy to build up John Wayne as this ultimate victim, like it was meant to take attention away from raping and beating her and Howard being one of the main voices to say she was too ugly to rape, and it is so funny that it fooled me because all these liberals etc who are against that type of insults would pal around with Stern. See I am such a fucking dumbed down person that never could think for himself and just see what would be around me, in my house, school, television, movies, radio etc and just change my attitude according to whatever I felt kind of made sense, even if it was intellectualizing ignorance. I have to live with it every day but Stern and Vince McMahon are 2 of the people who helped poison the water supply into this culture. Would it be fair not to mention the good things they have done? Sure, but we blindly have given them credit for decades, and now it is time to point out there is more to this.
I will always be a fucking target and the best part is no one will care because literally everyone behind the scenes who knows of me, and even the people in my life probably have such a disdain for me and it is probably likewise since they could be protecting me but since they have inside information on my path, and not disclosing me it makes me envision the worst and it makes me think they will fucking end up harming me after a while or maybe it is just in my head. I feel like the more I look forward to these people go down from their throne, these people know any vindication will not be good for them because they won’t be able to control me like they have and tested my patience and mental health in the previous years while pretending they care about my mental health. I will pay for writing this blog and they will ensure that people continue to fuck me over.
I will never forgive any of these people who are supposed to be progressive not even bringing attention to what evil Howard Stern is, maybe because the last person who hinted Howard bought a car for someone who was not his girlfriend that reporter ended up being dead within a year so maybe people have learned to stay in their lane. Hopefully Stern and someone like Vince plot to kill me and they can get away with it. Don’t worry ITS MY MENTAL ILLNESS SINCE YOU GUYS WILL BE SAYING I AM MENTALLY ILL WHO NEEDS HELP AND IT IS NOT HELPING MY CASE BY TYPING IN ALL CAPS LIKE A FUCKING MANIAC AND IT HURTS SO MUCH I BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH BECAUSE YOUR JOKES AND INSULTS ARE SO PREDICTIVE, and also the fact you think because you pitch these jokes in your shitty group chats that they are funny, because you have other people starving to be funny telling you that it is good so you laugh at their jokes in return like it is some kind of quid pro quo deal, so now you think putting those insults online toward me will actually mean anything. Okay and even if you are funny then who gives a shit I am a mediocre irrelevant Pakistani in his mom’s basement who has no value but for some reason a bunch of trolls have to show up to tell me that when the irrelevancy should speak for itself correct? And if it does speak for itself then I can just type my opinions out without anyone making a fuss, until it is convenient since most of you are given permission when to be outraged about limited issues that does not give you the full view.
I hope you read this entire grammatical and spelling mess and it gives you a headache but most likely you will convince yourself to say you did not read it, even though you hang on to every fucking word like the doggies you are.
I was not going to post this shit but now the employed WWE stans are all in my facebook page leaving comments and I will repeat a line I said before, and I will repeat it over and over until WWE changes their creative since they give you the same shit all the time but calling me Mr. Potato Head is not really creative but since you are employed WWE stans, it tells you probably have some kind of say in the fucking creative. Keep spreading rumors of others being shady in the business while completely ignoring the systemic shit the company you stan for does. You better hope the Reigns shit is not a façade because I am fine looking stupid, I have looked stupid since the birth in this shit world, but are you prepared to look stupid and is it supposed to be this transparent that you are projecting onto others?
#WWE Hanzi Illuminati Howard Stern Vince McMahon corrupt shady trolls fan boys shills 2019 Mental Illness crutch retort harassment weak mind#Roman Reigns Cancer
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Sanders Sides Trench Headcanons pt. 5
This is the final part of my Sanders Sides Trench headcanons series! Masterpost to all parts.
TW’s: self hate, depression, suicide, gender dysphoria, sickness, heartbreak, crying. If there’s anything else, please let me know!
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Bold/italic: song lyrics that support the concept
Italic: a characters direct thoughts
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Pet Cheetah: (Logan)
When Logan felt wrong being called male, he didn’t acknowledge it. And yet, he knew it was quite plausible that he was not male.
He’d spent years hating how he looked, sometimes hating how he dressed, hating how much he felt like a male.
And he never even questioned it until now.
The problem is, he knows he can’t tell the others. What if they judge him? What if they reject him? What if he was wrong in the first place?
So what does he do? What he does best, hide his emotions. (“I am on an island, no one to confide/Eight days straight, eight hours each and not one line/I can feel pressure start to possess my mind/So, I'll take this beat I should delete to exercise“)
Logan hides his secret but that doesn’t stop him from researching in his free time. He conjures up feminine clothing, tries different pronouns when referencing to himself. He starts to like who he is, he accepts himself. He decides he’s not male, he’s nonbinary, with a preference for feminine things. They spend so much time alone, cultivating this image of themself that they love. (“I've got a pet cheetah down in my basement/I've raised him, and bathed him/And named him Jason Statham. I'm showing my faces in just enough places”)
But they’re terrified, so unbelievably terrified to come out. They stick to their normal clothing, they hurt silently when they reference them in the wrong way, but this was the better alternative, because if they lost their friends over this?
They wouldn’t be able to handle it.
(“I'm done with tip-toeing, I'll stay in my room/My house is the one where the vultures are perched on the roof. This clique means so much to this dude/It could make him afraid of his music/And be scared to death he could lose it”)
Legend:
Patton had spent his whole life waiting for his soulmate. The kind, intelligent, creative soul tied to him. He spent the first thirty years of his life waiting for them, hope diminishing day by day. Eventually, he gave up, accepting the fact that maybe he just didn’t have one at all.
Until the day he met Logan.
They ran into each other at a park, Logans tea dropped on the grass and Patton on the ground as they collided.
It took a long minute before Logan whispered softly, awed, “You’re my soulmate?”
That’s all it took for Patton’s heart to swell, standing quickly and introducing himself, instantly falling for Logan’s soft eyes and compelling attitude.
That was when they shyly agreed to meet for lunch, and before Patton knew it, his heart had given itself to this boy. (“You were one of those classic ones/Traveling around this sun. You're a legend in my own mind/My middle name/My goodbye”)
When they arrive they sat down, blushing cheeks and nervous hands intertwined. And when Logan reached for the check, his sleeve rode up a little, revealing his soul mark.
Patton’s heart dropped to his stomach. (“You were one of those classic ones/I wish she knew you (I wish she knew you)”)
Patton started to cry right there, overcome with emotion as he saw the familiar mark. Logan immediately rushed to his side, asking what was wrong.
Patton’s heart broke for the second time that day when he had to explain that he did not share the same mark, no, but he knew someone who did. His dead brother, Virgil. (“(I wish she knew you)”)
Patton sputtered out stories of Virgil’s passing, a teenager having gotten too ill. He pulls out Virgil’s necklace, the golden flower Patton had once given him before class. Logan reached out slowly, touching the flower that drew him to Patton. The flower that was his last connection to his soulmate. It’s not long before Logan stiffens, tears running down his own face, leaving. All romantic interest in Patton gone.
And Patton cries, knowing Logan took his heart with him when he rushed out of the cafe. And it’s bittersweet as Patton sits to this day, alone, wishing it had gone differently. (“You were here when I wrote this/But the masters and mixes/Will take too long to finish/To show you. When your eyes did not know me/Like I know you. Then the day that it happened/I recorded this last bit/I look forward to having/A lunch with you again.”)
Leave the City: (Logan, Virgil, Patton, and Roman, Platonic LAMP)
All four of the main sides have dealt with mental health issues before, but sometimes it all gets too much. There have been many times where each side has had dark thoughts. Roman hating his work, thinking he’s a failure. Patton thinking he’s a bother, thinking he’s useless. Virgil knowing he’s a nuisance, thinking he’s weak for not moving on already. Logan never believing he’s good enough, thinking that he’s hurting Thomas. These thoughts have led to some unpleasant deliberations. (“I'm tired/Of tending to this fire/I've used up all I've collected/I have singed my hands/It's glowing/Embers barely showing/Proof of life in the shadows/Dancing on my plans. The burning/Is so low it's concerning/'Cause they know that when it goes out/It's a glorious gone/It's only/Time before they show me/Why no one ever comes back/With details from beyond”)
But everytime a side gets too close to the edge, they remember that Thomas needs them, so they just return to their isolated state of darkness, not telling anyone. “(They know that it's almost/They know that it's almost over. In time, I will leave the city/For now, I will stay alive”)
And with every other side constantly referencing how nobody is alone, how everyone should let themselves feel and get help, they all individually think that that doesn’t apply to me. All the other sides are fine, I need to be too. And maybe they’re technically not alone, but god does it feel like they are. (“Last year/I needed change of pace/Couldn't take the pace of change/Moving hastily/But this year/Though I'm far from home/In TRENCH I'm not alone”)
#tw self hate#tw depression#tw suicide#tw sickness#tw heartbreak#tw crying#gender dysphoria#sanders sides trench angst headcanons
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Overcoming Ignorance and Untrue assumptions:
December 30, 2019
Something I don’t really talk about much is the fact that I am in a wheelchair. I have muscular dystrophy and I cannot move that much. Well the reason I don’t talk about it much. is that for one, it doesn’t really define who I am as an individual and for another, when I was growing up I wasn’t disabled for quite some time so I in my mind I’m still just like everyone else.
Anyway, over the past year I’ve been noticing more and more ignorance among my peers and also adults in public. I never really noticed before, but in retrospect I’ve realized that there’s been a lot of ignorance that just went right over my head. Like I remember my brother telling me about a time when we spoke to each other when we passed by in the hall and that after I passed by his friend asked him, “Hey why are you talking to the Retarded Kid?”. To which he replied “DUDE shut the fuck up that’s my brother, and he has muscular dystrophy. He’s not mentally disabled.” He then, apparently punched the kid so hard that it made his nose bleed. Hearing this made me furious and made me want to freaking hit into and break the kids legs! I wouldn’t do that though I’m too Christian Lol. I blame this on my subtlety corrupt school and I’ll explain why.
I moved to Edwardsville my freshman year from Utah when my Dad decided to move us in to a new house to be with his long distance Fiancé (Now Step-Mom), Wendy. Wendy happened to the Main Special-ed teacher at EHS at that time. She actually had the original idea for the Tiger Den so for those of you who go to Edwardsville High you can thank her for that. So anyway I became introduced to a Club Called Key Club since Wendy and my stepbrother and stepsister were already involved with it and some of the Members made me feel welcome after I was uprooted from my childhood home and was a new kid with no friends. Nonetheless I joined since they were practically family to my blended family already. It made my transition easier so I considered it a blessing. I was also in adaptive PE at that time where half of the class consisted of my Key Club Friends already so I was able to grow close to them. The other half were Special Ed kids and I was the only physically disabled non special ed student in there. I feel like adaptive PE should be for the physically disabled only. It’s rediculous that high school requires even physically disabled students to take PE. Anyway I didn’t think much of it and just hung out with the Key Club members.
Sophomore year I was less active in Key Club as I was recovering from my Scoliosis surgury and dealing with PTSD and anxiety that arose from it. My stepmom was no longer a Special ed teacher since she quit to care for my New baby brother. That year I was still friends with some of the Key Club members, but I didn’t take adaptive PE so I just sorta lost that connection. At that time I was just focusing on my health so I didn’t really care and I was cool with that.
Junior year a lot of best friends I made at school already graduated; those Inside and outside of Key Club. There were many new Members this year, but instead of feeling like a member, I started to feel like one of the special ed kids in the way I was treated. I figured there was nothing I could do about it and just let it be. Then toward the end of the year I was pressured to be in a video for their end the R-Word campaign, something I didn’t really care about since I acknowledge that it’s a word in the English dictionary and think it’s acceptable to use as long as it’s used correctly and not discriminating. Anyway I thought back to what my brother told me and figured, why not. Now I’m terrible in front of cameras and delivered my lines lowkey awkwardly and I thought it was terrible, but I wasn’t told it would be on the Friday morning announcements but guess what, they were! Smh
Looking back I feel like this club and the school tryed to lump me into a category that I am not a part of. I just wanted to be in a club that helps by doing service for the community and I feel like Key Club never focused enough on that aspect. Instead it was more of a “Be friends with the Special kids because they have no friends Club.” Now this article by no means has anything against the special ed students. In fact it’s disappointing that the stigma behind these innocent people even exists. It’s just so that I clear up some misconceptions about me. I have muscular dystrophy and there’s nothing cognitively wrong with me. Regrettably I’ve given up on Key Club a few months ago since I don’t agree with how it’s run. That’s why I joined EPIC. It’s a shame that we live in a society that is so quick to Judge and make assumptions of each other. We put each other in these categories and Cliques and boxes and we decide to be a certain way/belong to a group instead of just being ourselves and living in diversity. We are all children of God and we were all made in his image and we are all equal and full of beauty. Society is unfair for minorities, but there is hope. This nation may have still have unfortunate predjudices, but we have gotten far since this country began and many people fail to see that and when we begin to doubt our progress then we lose faith in each other and start to get off track.
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#personal
It can be a nightmare after all these years to be too transparent for public record. I imagine it would be something like a poltergeist; always bumping into things and being misinterpreted or read into. The age old posit of “Shit Happens” doesn’t leave much room for argument or even proof of life Nobody ever seems to hear my side of things other than when I write about it here. Nobody registers the endless frustration because I hide it all so well. I changed a lot of my routines in the last two weeks specifically. A year ago I started getting harassed at the gym so I changed my schedule there to an early one. Eventually I quit the gym altogether. These days I don’t even own a gym membership. The Nike Training App core routines and some barbells have delivered far more than the stress I had leaving the house. I think I’ve learned over time that Yoga and Pilates in the back bedroom teaches you more about form and control. I use a mirror to monitor my posture. I don’t feel any prying eyes on me behind closed doors. For years everybody knows I’ve been my own coach and source of motivation. The source of inspiration is a given and that’s always been fiercely personal to me. The fact that it should be so obvious is something I’ve learned to enjoy because it is to me. But nobody particularly knows or cares what goes on in my personal life other than here where I write. They forget about the weeks and the work therein. So I probably resemble a ghost clanking with chains in the hallways. There’s no causality because nobody pays enough attention to accept I exist. I’m stuck in a limbo between the known and unknown. There’s some attention I avoid. I avoid heavy doses of it every day because I know better. It’s sticks out like a sore thumb socially and I’ve had to practice a sort of poker face. People often have a habit of expressing their distaste that I think for myself. I changed my train route to work. I still bump into awkward invisible walls. People trying to hijack my narrative in public. People afraid of ghosts I guess. Some cultures leave offerings for the dead. Others try to exorcise and eradicate them. Some people throw dust to the wind and some people keep their loved ones in a jar above the fireplace. I’m still alive clawing at the fabric of society and not so much reality. Society is fake this we all know. More obsessed with post truth and fake news than statistical based science. I used to have more dread towards my situation. That I would be completely forgotten and misunderstood for the rest of my life. Obviously people following me around on my commute regardless of my route disproves that fate. People treat me like Frankenstein sometimes. Pitchforks, torches and all. Every other week I’m on trial for a different section of my being. I’m a patchwork of things I’ve picked up from art school year after year. And year after year there’s something else that claims it’s cooler, fresher, and more alive. A good excuse to keep me buried. To keep the heresy out of plain sight. And then there’s me banging away at the keyboard early in the morning on the internet like a spirit in the tv static. People free to read into the message however they please. Most people just surf right through me. The noise is still out there every Saturday pulsing like a brain in a petri dish. The horror.
I read this article about how they were growing brain tissue in a lab. There was this rhythmic pulse of electricity that they couldn’t explain. The ethics of testing on conscious living material are dicey at best. So are half the relational aesthetics driven social experiments done in the name of justice and revolution. What is right and normal is a lengthy discussion. But it requires dialog. Sometimes I feel like that brain in a dish trying to give a signal but nobody wants to acknowledge. No one wants the inconvenience of reading how I really feel. My routine the last year has been fairly measured and predictable. Yet people still feel the need to watch and make sure. It’s been a bit of an insult to come full circle a year later and know full well I told you so. And some of that sting from my own pride is softened by the fact that I broke free from the petri dish a long time ago. Patch worked my own identity in the face of valid harsh criticism. I am who I am and I accept pretty much everyone at face value. I have saved so much face this year that I’ve become more weary of public and how much it takes to put on the act and show. For all the revolutionary movements I’ve supported and all the calls to action I’ve heeded nothing much has changed for me. In America there is this endless cycle of outrage. Right versus left. Good versus evil. Black versus white. And it spirals into a fractal of endless opinions and vitriol. Nothing gets defined. Compromise is completely nonexistent. Closure is a luxury most cannot afford. You can’t have closure without getting yourself wrapped up in a bigger drama which limits and belittles the argument in favor of populism or worse. The tribe of public opinion has spoken. You have been voted off the Deleuzian Island you were shipwrecked on. A reality exposition in front of camera phones and a conscripted army of influencers. America has moved from clique to tribe. Everything is a little more Mad Max than it used to be. On the weekends I still stare out my kitchen window early in the morning. People have so many hidden expectations for me now it exhausts me just thinking about it. It is pure mental anguish to read into all the projections and there’s no real payoff. What statement shirt will I see today. What hidden message or Easter Egg do I have to squint my eyes at to prove I’m fully woke. It’s what is expected of me to be left alone I guess. Yes I’m ok. Yes I have a job. Yes I keep myself busy. Yes I keep myself out of trouble. Yes everything outside of my apartment these days seems to be causing me more trouble than it’s worth. Yes I’m very sad on the inside. And yes none of that really matters because when I shut the door and think about the people I care about it’s all worth it. Because I’m not some experiment in a dish that demands some qualitative proof of my usefulness to science, life and America. I’m my own science project. A mixture of phantom, shade and shambling mound. I figured out a way to hide the scar tissue in broad daylight and let the sun fill the hollows in my face. I’m the most handsome Frankenstein to walk the Earth. Maybe more of the Hulk for good measure. Aren’t they pretty much the same thing anyway?
Universal Studios actually owns the film rights to Frankenstein down to the makeup. The only Frankenstein movie to ever make it to Japan was because of a guy from Chicago selling the rights to Toho. He’s also the guy that could have boosted Lenny Bruce’s career. He instead launched Woody Allen’s rise to stardom. A parable lies within all of this. Maybe why we’ll never see a decent standalone Hulk movie inside the MCU. Maybe I’ll just read the comics instead and let it play out in my own head. There’s a lot of bullshit that I don’t ever want to be part of. A lot of soul sucking corporate tactics that don’t honor the actual art form. And there’s the reality that money, jobs, and careers make the world go round. I work at a non profit. I make a non profit salary. I’ve lived being made to feel like I’m inferior to money. I’ve learned how to budget myself a return to New York every two months. Someone at work asked if I had any gigs there. I said I quit music because it was threatening my safety. In truth the last year was really about setting up a perimeter in my life. A place that was safe enough and anonymous to share some intimacy with another person. Music didn’t serve that for me anymore. It hindered my goals. How I’ve gone about building fences around my garden has been akin to that scene in Frankenstein negotiating with the villagers. Except in a no holds barred me alone against the court of public opinion sort of way. Modern day Hulk has evolved into a sort of cultured retaliation against the mobs. He’s still too similar to the mad scientist story to make poetic cinema out of it all. Me I live this shit every day. Hulk in Hell. Abused in some ways and blessed in others. People don’t like it when I’m angry. I guess as they say that’s the trick. I’m angry all the time. It’s how I act upon it. How I sacrifice my incomprehensible rage and tortured feelings out of love. For me I spent the whole last year doing something about it. Challenging the infrastructure of all this bullshit and leading by example. Too much force and you break things. Too little and they walk all over you. Lenny Bruce had the entire police department after him for saying what he felt. Woody Allen succeeded in Hollywood. How you view the hypocrisy of all that is all in what you accept and what you resist. Resistance isn’t fun. And it looks different for everyone. The most political battle to fight is the personal one. The right to be and the right to think. What is the real different between Frankenstein and the Human Ken Doll anyway? Who owns the rights to me being me? What gives me the right to have an opinion? Who I can talk to and who I can love? What I need to become to be treated as an equal in the public eye? What people have done to stop me from becoming who I really am? Why do I even care about having a popularly accepted opinion when no one listens? Who has room for drama in their life when I only make space for all the love I have for you? Of all the pieces of my life that I stitched together you are the most important one to me. Because you are the piece that makes me whole just by being you. It’s not a missing link it’s been an important foundation to my struggle. If I keep bumping into you in the dark just remember it’s a love tap. I don’t mind if you tap back. Only you though. Fuck all this other shit. <3 Tim
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— Rejoice, little lambs! We have recovered our own Choi Hyuk, spotted prancing about in the Southwest Side. I don’t remember seeing him with any clique back in high school, but I’m not here to spill yesterday’s tea. So straight to the rundown: can you say soft-spoken and indifferent? Apparently now he spends time as a professional taekwondo fighter, and keeps skeletons buried at Prague Tower, 602. But those won’t stay hidden for long, if you and I have any say on it. Welcome back, Leather; we missed you so.
TW: violence/abuse, bruises, blood, mental disorder
In case you don’t remember the devil’s name, here’s to refresh your memory:
Chin burred deep in the collar of his sports jacket, Hyuk sat in the corner of the classroom, long legs poking from beneath the single school table. Eyes focused on the blackboard or the people around him, he was mostly uninvolved nods, voice heard only once or twice in a full moon. Despite a lack of interest Hyuk expressed, people wanted to talk to him. Instead of acknowledging him as a cold brat they genuinely wanted to know the guy who seemed like ice, yet spoke the warmth of a fading fire.
The surprising soft-spoken manner found in him didn’t attract questions, however, his apathetic, indifferent nature did. In his lifetime peers who falsely imagined themselves as heroes came to be, poking at his personal space, fanatically believing that he’s locked himself away from showing major emotions. They knew him better than he knew himself, he supposed, chanting that the gentle light he shone speaking was the man he locked away. It painted Choi Hyuk’s sight crimson and as his blood boiled he could feel the taste of his own fury, leather clothed fingers slowly coming together to form a fist.
His first visit to the shrink was at ten years of age, when his teacher expressed concern about his inability to share or properly communicate with his classmates. Hyuk raged and yelled, pushed and fought. The woman in the fancy suit taught him to direct his anger somewhere else, pushing him straight to his father and into a gym. The years spent there made him into “our own star athlete”, as Cheongnam themselves called him, simultaneously firing the teacher that was caught “in a bar fight”.
The leather on his hands squeaked slightly as he slowly unfolded his fingers after closing his eyes and imagining the satisfying feeling of his knuckles connecting to the boxing pear. And so the voices faded into the background.
Nevermind the memory lane though, the present is always the ripest fruit:
The same warm words slip past his lips as he smiles to the interviewer of the local sports channel. Gentleness laced trough his voice that he uses often lulls to sleep, providing the perfect illusion of a honorable man the star athlete was. To eyes that knew, the soft tone he always carried had melted away a big part of his standoffish personality. The apathy was still there, but dosed, making him seem more approachable. To any skeptics it was no more but the aftermath of dealing with press after success, which he would always agree with, supporting a petty smile.
Truthfully, he doesn’t understand who he is or who he’s playing. His psychiatrist doesn’t either, as they watch him sitting quietly on the couch, glaring into space like an unsatisfied six-year-old. The only part of him that felt completely like Hyuk was the burning, unjustifiable fury that lived within him. Which classified him as a monster, he believed, but as long as nobody knew that the athlete carries darkness inside of him, he was fine with the feeling dragging him down from within.
Leather still covers his hands as he sits in the locker room, sweat dribbling down his face and eyes focused on the ceiling. The breaths he takes slowly turn heavier as the taste of blood in his mouth is not strong enough to satisfy him and empty out the fury inside him. As lights flicker off by a motion of his fingers, the raging animal scratching him from the inside wins, carrying his body to the darkest corners in Seoul where underground fights happen. A masked Hyuk drowns in the lung burning smell of metal and he can live on again.
But we are nothing if not open books – my job is to ensure you get to the best pages:
01. The thought that slipped past his lips so simply as if it was a well known dogma, fluttering lightly in the air like a fallen leaf did not amuse his therapist. “Maybe I’m so feisty because something had to balanse out the ridiculous amount of rain that fell out when I was born?” as he cracked a sarcastic smile at the psychiatrist, who only wanted to dig deeper into his childhood. He couldn’t really tell the woman that much about it, pursing his lips in a nonchalant manner as his eyes went up to the ceiling and he silently picked at his own mind. From pictures in the albums neatly placed in his family house the story was that Hyuk wasn’t the prettiest baby in the planet, but one thing the boy didn’t lack was fortune. The diety accounted for luck made both of his parents healthy and as wealthy as a son of a taekwondo coach and a ten year older socialite could be. There was no abuse as there was no fighting. In fact, his earliest memory was the smiles of his parents when his brother was born three years after him. After that, all he could find in his memory of childhood were therapy sessions, him talking to different people in enclosed spaces as time ticked and his parents moving from Suncheon to Seoul in search of better doctors, as their son didn’t make any progress. Considering his words, she offered that maybe his aggression was sparked by the lack of attention he received after his brothers birth. Hyuk shook his head, almost laughing, eyes diverting back on the psychiatrist. “What are you saying? My brother’s to blame for me being fucked up?” Undeniable traces of fury were prominent in his eyes and his therapist pressed harder into their seat. “I love my brother and I’m happy he was born without this anger disorder gene in him.” His gloved hand went to poke at his temple a couple of times, a tense gaze on the woman in the leather armchair.
02. The woman kept her eyes locked on his black fingerless leather gloves as her questions were followed by a frown, giving away a lack of understanding of the accessory. Hyuk followed her gaze, squeezing his hands a couple of times and watching how the leather wrinkled at his movement, the sound of the material brushing against itself causing an unpleasant, taunting sound cut trough the office. He didn’t really know how to explain why he was constantly in the gloves without using crude words. “I’d just rather not see the skin of my knuckles.” He whispered, staring down at his hands just as he did after another fight he found himself in his middle school. Back then he stared at the cracking skin, the thinness of it after a number of times he’d injured himself in a state of aggression and having blood pool in the deep cracks disgusted him. His mother could not look him straight into the eye, too hurt and scared of her own son, as she handed him his first pair of black leather - a silent request to hide so the Choi family could forget about the shame that their eldest boy was for a second or two. It became his second skin and the requests of teachers to take the accessory off bounced off of him uselessly as if the boy was a wall. “Why don’t you take them off?” He could only laugh, shaking his head. One particular man once tried to peel his second skin away after making him stay after class. It ended with a broken nose and a concussion as Hyuk walked away, hands curled in tight fists and blood dribbling off kis knuckles. Next week their class got a new teacher. Next week nobody asked him to take the gloves off again. “Good luck with that.” He hummed, enjoying the noise his gloves made.
03. “How was practice?” Was the therapist’s first question directed at him every single time their session started. After being asked that for a total of twenty years, Hyuk didn’t need to have an impressive intellect level to know what the hidden meaning behind the question was. He used to answer it directly, telling that it’s not helping him contain his emotions, but as years passed the man grew tired of the same conversation that led nowhere, answering it with a cold shrug. There was no explanation for his aggression, why couldn’t they understand. “Fine.” She scribbled something onto her paper, looking at him from behind thick framed glasses. “How do you feel after practice?” Miss, we both know the answer to that question, no amount of training and exhausting myself will satisfy the animal in me. I’d rather hide in dark corners and watch people bleed out under my fist there. “Fine.” He repeated, a deadpan expression on his face as he felt his psychiatrist trying to intimidate him, keeping eye-contact. An imaginary pin dropped in the dimly lit office, making a sound loud enough to cause an avalanche. The woman nodded slowly, scribbling something again. By now he had a feeling that all that was written in neat cursive in the sealed file of his medical history was ‘hopeless’. To that he complied silently. “Do you think you’ll make the national team this year?” He let out a breath he was holding, gaze searching for the clock that counted down the time they had left. 40 more minutes. “Who knows.”
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What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?
Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story. These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead. As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed. Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?
Danny Hernandez | Contractor & Painter/Remodeler
Something I’ve learned from working in the painting business is my love for transformation. I love arriving at a location and getting inspired to transform something that may seem ordinary into something extraordinary by simply changing the color. I have also learned the importance of communication with your clients and team members. In a small business everyone plays a big role in getting things done, so it is important to to have great communication both w our employers and our employees.
@Dna.painting
Cristina Toledo | Paloma Accessories Co
@monicasalazarphotography
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is to trust myself and to be confident in the decisions I make. I tend to be indecisive at times. With that said, this journey has taught me to be confident in the decisions I make, from branding to choosing the right pair of earrings for my followers. I’ve always believed that in order for me to start a small fashion/accessory business I had to have the “”fashion background”” or merchandising degree. That’s definitely not the case in my experience! Take a good look at trailblazer/elite celeb stylist Rachel Zoe, she majored in sociology and psychology. Hillary Kerr, majored in journalism at NYU and she is now the co-founder of Who What Wear and launched Clique Media Group in 2006. Accessories are my passion! It’s almost like a sixth sense. It truly drives me and gets me excited!
@palomaaccessoriesco
Kenndrea James | Licensed Hairstylist & Extension Specialist
The most important thing I’ve learned in my journey is to just do what makes you happy. In a profession like mine there’s so much that you can do. I love extensions, I love HEALTHY HAIR, & I love Big Hair so that’s what I do. I’m looking forward to growing and taking over the Dfw One Strand at a Time.
@iamdreathestylist
@DtHextensions
@DreastotalHair
@DreasTotalHair
Michael and Nette Bolden | Owners of Gigi’s Cupcakes | Mansfield
Be patient. Everything is coming together. Whatever you are waiting for is on its way to you.
gigiscupcakesusa.olo.express/menu/gigis-cupcakes-mansfield
gigiscupcakesusa.com
Ernesto Baez | Owner of Baez Maintenance Services Office Cleaning & Janitorial Services
@Soapsterz_shop
In my short but fast uprising journey, I have encountered many lessons. The one that stuck out the most is that you must not settle for what you think is enough and no matter how much you dream of something with no actions it will not become a reality. You have to work like there is no tomorrow, sacrifice time to build your vision but you must do everything with an open heart loving to serve others in a business it is important being humble and remembering that love is the answer to many things. Success truly comes when you absolutely love what you do.
baezmaintenance.com
@baez_maintenance_services
Jim | Pitmaster and Mandi | Boss Lady
What I have learned is bbq is not a genre of food but an extended family.
LilliansBarbecue.com
@lilliansbbq
@lilliansbbq
Amanda Calhoun | PR Professional & Digital Content Creator
The most important lesson I’ve learned so far is to celebrate tiny victories! I put this practice into place in my career, family, friendships and relationships. I truly believe that by acknowledging those things that seem small, we empower ourselves and those around us to dream big. Too often, we wait until the BIG things (anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, etc.) to take the trip or do the thing, but why is it that we put such a focus on milestones, when the moments that matter are happening every single day. So, in my life, we celebrate WINS, big or small, and while they all might not warrant a grand gesture, it’s always the thought that counts.
@missamandadeann
Micah Unger | Owner, Casa Boho
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that no matter how big and successful your business becomes, at the end of the day, family comes first! I had a baby last year, at a time when Casa Boho had just gone through it’s biggest growth yet, and sales were at an all time high. Although it was hard at first, I made the choice to take a bit of a break so I could focus solely on my new little one and enjoy that new stage in life. I missed out on some big opportunities and my business took a bit of a hit as a result, but I wouldn’t have changed a thing!
shopcasaboho.com
@shopcasaboho
Tony Dao | Dallas Nightlife and Hospitality Entrepreneur
“The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering” – Bruce Lee
So be grateful and be prepared for all the wonderful opportunities in life.
Develop your Craft and your Brand as a weapon. Strike and Risk Strategically and be prepared for failures which will come in all aspects of life. To maintain your moral compass as a human being and no matter what happens… both your personal and professional life will be worth remembering.
thetdcagency.com
collectivemark.com
Norman and Lakeisha Willis | Husband and wife of 13 years & Co-Owners of Willis BBQ Company
The most important lesson we have learned in our journey thus far is to consider all options and explore every avenue prior to making every decision. Do not be afraid to change the plan! When we initially started our catering business, it was called Norman’s Holiday Smoke & Catering. Our initial plan was to limit our catering services to the holidays only. We thought it was all we could handle given that we had recently had our second child. Within 3 months, we outgrew that vision. We had not considered all of opportunity that awaited us. So, we decided to start again. We had to re-brand every portion of our business.
During the re-branding process, we decided to go as for as our abilities could take us; no more limiting ourselves. We acknowledged that improvements were necessary. Our branding needed to mirror the delicious Smoked Meats, Homestyle Sides and Cupcakes we were serving our customer. We expanded our target market to include corporations, wedding venues and individuals that needed special event catering. We also decided to use our abilities and time to feed the less fortunate. And so it began, we decided to build a 22 foot food trailer; a food trailer that any company or person would love to have at their event. We changed our name to Willis BBQ Company, re-designed the logo, designed a website, created elegant menus and changed our packaging. We were all in!
Thankfully, we realized we could do more and be more. Re-evaluating our business plan early allowed us to course correct with minimum losses.
willisbbqcompany.com
@willisbbqcompany
@willisbbqcompany
Phone: 972-805-3432
[email protected]
Desiree Davis | Mental Health Advocate and founder of United Black Women
The most important lesson I’ve learned on my journey is “if there’s a will, there’s a way”. It’s an expression my father used to say to me growing up. At times I find myself struggling with doubt and uncertainty. “”How can I accomplish that?”” “”Is this even possible?”” “”But no one has done it before.”” Those thoughts are nothing more than my fear of the unknown attempting to paralyze me back to my comfort zone. When those thoughts come to me I just remind myself “if there’s a will, there’s a way”. That phrase pushed me through college when I couldn’t afford my last semester. It pushed me through depression when I had no one to turn to. And most importantly that phrase is leading me to my purpose of helping others find their ’will’ and ‘way’ today.
@desiree.r.davis
@unitedblackwomen
Alexa Lopes | Food Photographer
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey is to give all of yourself to your craft, but to always leave space to learn, improve and grow.
@fortworthfoodtographer
@fortworthfoodtographer
Taylor Morrison | licensed registered dietitian and certified sports dietitian
What I have learned on my journey so far is that it’s easy to start looking at what others are doing or get distracted by shiny opportunities that don’t actually lead you in your desired direction. It’s important to stay true to yourself and to stay focused on what you are doing and what your purpose is. I continue to ask myself, “What is it that I’m passionate about? What gifts has God given me?”, This keeps me focused and ignites that feeling of purpose that keeps me moving forward towards my goals.
taylored-nutrition.org
@taylormorrisonRD
Brittney Fernandes | Hair stylist | Bridal Stylist | Makeup Artist
The most important lesson I’ve learned in the beauty industry is that with every client, each time they’re in your chair is a gift and fresh opportunity to bless them and showcase your best self and talent.
http://www.beautebybrit.com/
@beautebybrit
Relax Bodyworks | bodywork geared towards relaxation
Tiffany Harper
Probably the most important thing is realizing that every time I put my hands on a new client, I use my intuition to learn something new. I’ve learned to trust that more than anything else because it never steers me wrong.
relaxbodyworks.com
@relaxbodyworks
Johnnie Hoang | Food lover & Owner of Hoang’s Noodle House
The most important lesson I have learned in my journey is that teamwork and patience is crucial in any business. At Hoang’s Noodle House, teamwork helps with the flow and quality of the dishes. Patience plays a very important role as well, as some of our food items we serve require time to prepare. We definitely focus on providing fresh and quality food. My biggest reward is seeing and hearing people enjoy the food that I have invested time in preparing. My secret ingredient to all my dishes is passion. I have always enjoyed cooking for others. I believe that food brings people together and therefore you end up with a unique experience. Good food and good company.
@Hnoodlehouse
Hoangsnoodlehouse.com
@HNHFoodTruck
Shawna Fitzpatrick | Illustrator & Urban Photographer
Ignore the naysayers, regardless of who they are. You already know the answer in your heart. When you allow the noise in, you just invited in a world of chaos and confusion.
shawnafitzpatrick.com
@the.real_shawna.fitzpatrick
@therealshawnafitzpatrick
Matt (mattman) Pearce | photographer
I would have to say that being a professional photographer you need to be creative and share. Be creative and look for something that is different that maybe no one else sees. Share your ideas, techniques and knowledge with other photographers. I truly believe that there are two types of photographers, one who creates the image like wedding or portrait photographers. The other type is the one who captures the image like shooting sports, news, concerts or events. I like to capture the image! There’s nothing more exciting then capturing that moment in time whether it’s a singer at a concert or a Dallas Cowboys touchdown or a Dallas Stars goal or even a stock car going by you at 190mph just three feet away! It’s the passion of capturing that moment in time!
LOL, I have people ask me all the time, “”do you shoot weddings?”” LOL, I tell them no, I leave those to the professionals, I just push a button for a living…
@mattman1310
@mattman1310
@mattman1310
[email protected]
Rosy Gamez | Photographer and Crafter
Rosy Gamez
There are always a million reasons not to do something,” was a quote I heard Jan Levinson (The Office) say 5 times now in the last 6 years. As a hardcore fan of the show, her small quote resonated with me every single time I heard it, and throughout the 5-year journey of what was my freelance side business never once did I notice that I was living out those million reasons.
After the birth of my second son, I realized how much a 9-5 job took me away from my boys. I knew the best way to predict the future was to create it. I balled up those million reasons “why,” tossed them away, and introduced my crafts and designs to the world. I am an entrepreneur building my business, using my creativity and expertise for my family. The rewards are ten fold. I set my hours, earned back time with my boys and loving husband. I no longer have someone place a limit on my income because now it is limitless.
I guess you can say, the lesson learned was that you have to want it, believe it, and do it, and grasp the handful of reasons why you SHOULD and take that plunge, why, because trust me, you will be forever grateful that you did. Think about it, what’s the worst that can happen? Say you fail, well, get up and try again…and again…and again. Either way, at least you can say you tried, and that is infinitely more than others can say.
@serenestudiophotographyanddesign
@serenestudiophotoanddesign
Beth Holland | Fine Art Photographer
I have learned to experience the exhilaration of seeing another side of our beloved National Parks, free of crowds, tour buses and the cacophony of civilization at night. Seeing the wonders of the familiar in a different light with the stars, moon, and milky way above is just awe-inspiring and keeps me going at 2:00 am to get that shot!
BethHollandPhotography.com
@BethHollandPhotography
Rod Castor
Most important lesson would be to keep being consistently on working on your skills.
@t.r.l_photography
Ericka Estrella | Photographer/Traveler
I would have to say, that the most valuable lesson has been to take one day at the time, to look beyond the fingers like our friend <Patch Adams> will learn in the movie from 1998, and really See what is before us the opportunity to be in this world yet another day, must be truly treasured, for there is no guaranteed there will be a tomorrow.
Therefore, witness the beauty and love around each and everyday, even in the simplest things like the half and half coffee blending dance, or the sunrise backlighting a window plant.
Photographing peoples most important moments has been and continues to be an amazing gift.
@ErickaEstrellaPhotography
@ErickaEstrellaPhotography
Bob Brooks | Photographer
Starting your business without a mission statement is like taking a long road trip without a map. You can get lost easily within a short amount of time. Having something to reference later will help you keep grounded to your original goal. Knowing your target demographic is also one of the most important things. And finally for the person just starting out, don’t fall into the trap that shooting every day will help you capture better images. It’s better to choose one day out of the month, bring only one battery with you or just 2 roles of film, shoot till it’s gone and then don’t edit or processes them for 6-8 weeks and then look at then for the first time. Trust me, shooting 30k-50k in six months only gets you burned out, and from there, you loose your passion for photography all together. The old saying “Do what you love, and you will never work a day in your life” this couldn’t be further from the truth, getting the paying jobs and prospecting for work is the real work, this represents about 80% of the work of the photographer, not the other way around.
@rlbrooks_photography
Facebook: Bob Brooks
@rlbrooksphotography
Eric Ziegler | Landscape and nature photographer
I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that you’re never too old to learn.
I started the hobby of photography as a teenager, and although I’ve been working at it for almost 30 years, I still feel that my work is not where I want it to be. I am always looking for new techniques and ideas to help me become more creative, and it is fun sometimes to compare my work from several years ago to see the growth I’ve achieved.
ericzieglerphoto.com
@ezieglerphoto
Madiha Javed | Founder of Panache Art Studio | Photographer | Graphic Designer | RJ – Women Empowerer & Humanitarian
Panache Art Studio by Madiha Javed
Know your true self first. Believe and be grateful always no matter what life throws at you. Stick to what feels right , even if you have to walk alone. Make your passion your purpose and you will find peace and hapiness within you. Live without expectations and love for the sake of loving. Do good to others selflessly and it will come back to you in mysterious ways. And never feel the need to ever define your worth to anyone. And never ever be afraid of failures.
@panache.art.studio
@p/B3GdcTylUJI
@bymadihajaved
@groups/548690268834704
Kaisha Slaughter | Interior Design & Digital Marketing
The most important lesson I have learned in this journey so far is to always be authentic to yourself! Believe in yourself and trust the process. In difficult times stay positive and you will be amazed at the things you are truly capable of. You will always have someone doubting you, and it makes it that much more sweet when you succeed!
@keepingupwithkaisha
Lone Star Darkroom | traditional film photo lab
Kristin Wright
Working in a traditional Darkroom can be a lot of pressure when it comes to working on customer film. There is nothing you can do to fix some of the errors that you will naturally encounter. I’ve learned a lot about having a good work ethic and slowing down. I handle every single roll of film like it’s my own and take care to ensure I’ve done the best I can do and to always be honest with customers. We’re a small business and have the luxury of communicating directly with many of our customers while working on their photos and I want everyone to feel that their order has been handled carefully and fairly, and to understand the amount of careful tedious work that goes into hand processing each roll of film.
@LoneStarDarkroom
Jennifer Ramirez | Brow and Beauty Expert
The most important thing I have learned is to never stop learning. Continuing education and allowing yourself to absorb new ideas and techniques will always improve your work and business. From learning how to manage your time to learning a new service or product to offer just having that knowledge can only lead you to success. We are taught from a young age that knowledge is power and I have always seen that to be true.
styleseat.com/jenniferramirez6?utm_campaign=vanity
@Perfectbrowsbyjenn
@the_brow_and_beauty_room
Jessica Kelly | Ceo of House of Kelly
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that I have to be patient, I can’t expect for everything to happen overnight. You can be grinding for 4 long years with no results and on that 5th year you become the biggest thing on the planet!! So yes patience has been my biggest lesson.
houseofkelly.co
@_jessica_kelly
Amorette Vargas | Esthetician and Wax Specialist
The biggest lesson I have learned along the way is to always give clients the same, if not better service each time you work on then. It’s nearly impossible to lose a client when you give them the best of your talent & abilities each and every time they see you. My clients have stayed with me throughout the years and have become like family to me. I don’t push products and services they don’t need, but instead suggest what I feel would help them reach their esthetic goals. That’s what trust is all about!
My favorite quote is: “To be successful you must be unique, you must be so different that if people want what you have, they must come to you to get it.”
— Walt Disney
vagaro.com/amoretteshautewax
[email protected]
@amoretteshautewax
Lisa Slimak | Photographer with Le-Marie Photography
The most important lesson I’ve learned during my photography journey is to capture as many memories as possible, big or small. Sometimes memories fade but a photo can bring back those moments and even the exact feelings you felt in that moment.
I started my photography journey when I realized my son was almost a senior in high school and that after almost 14 years of watching him play soccer once he graduated we would no longer experience these moments. So I started taking my love for photography more serious. I took some classes, invested in some gear & began shooting all my sons games, not just him but all of his teammates. I hope my son, his teammates and their parents can look back at those photos for many years and remember the joy the game brought them, the lessons they learned & the bonds they made.
A few years after I started doing photography I lost my brother and at that moment I realized one of the first things people do in good times and in bad times is go through photos, at times that is all you have left of a person or a memory. It became a passion of mine to capture images of individuals and families that i can deliver to them and they will always have. It truly is the gift that keeps giving!
@lemarie_photography
@lemariephotos
Emily Campbell | Photographer
The most important lesson is probably the one I’m struggling through right now – Trust. Learning to trust myself; trust my instincts, my abilities and my judgement; teaching myself to pause and pickup my camera when something catches my eye. It means investing the time in myself and my craft and believing that the time I spend apart (from my husband and my daughter) will ultimately be redeemed in the process. Trusting God and His timing means learning patience and focusing on what’s in front of me. There are currently 38 posts on my Instagram page. There are 5,529 photos uploaded to my Mac begging to be edited. Moral of the story: Find joy in where you’re at right now. You matter. Your art matters. Be intentional and do what feels right.
@lovelythymephotography
Katie Zoboroski | Health & Wellness Coach
@katieleethejourney
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey thus far is that any day is a good day to say, no more! No more to the things that are holding you back. Throughout my journey, I have experienced an absolutely crazy amount of things I would’ve much rather not have been through. But I lived it and it’s my journey, which has now become my story. At any point, you can change your story to create the life you want! My mission is to empower women to know they are not alone in their journey, that deep within them they have the power to overcome. And that they have the inner strength to say no more and reshape their future by reshaping themselves both mentally and physically. I hope that my journey is a testimony of persistence, strength, and determination, to overcome what happened to you without letting it become you!
@katieleethejourney
Rula Sharkawi | owner of Rula Cosmetics
What I’ve learned is to never give up and never stop learning. You’re never too good because someone else will always be better but Consistency is key. When you never give up on what you believe in and never stop learning about the things your passionate about then your skill will continue to get better and people will always notice.
rulacosmetics.com
@rulacosmetics
The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.
source http://voyagedallas.com/2020/02/03/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey-2/
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Reflection
I never know where to start, and even though I have a nice reflection in my head to sort it out, it feels like after a massive attack that didn’t seem to affect at that moment, but it left me a little shook from it because I guess since I have pissed off a lot of people in the media, wrestling industry, the political spectrum, the Stern Show, and even people I know personally. I go on irrational rants and tangents because when something seems positive, I have a knack for thinking the ambush will come and I transform into such a dark human being, and it is probably because I am online entirely too much. I have tried to stay away, but in this time period with all the craziness, I feel I need to be on top of this ever minute, and because I see what corruption is taking place and no one seems to want to speak out on true evils, it inspires me to feel the need to go at people because I feel they are shilling, and then I sit back and wonder if this is all a game and we are all playing roles. It could be that I am just severely mentally ill and thinking outside the box, in the system’s perception is still very much in a box and because I assume people are 100 steps ahead, I try to think at that level, even though it makes me sound incredibly stupid and insane to people.
It is important for me to write these when I can, because I feel like my mindset and mood changes drastically and sometimes it feels you are going to snap, which people are constantly pushing me to do. The fact that it could be childhood friends I know kepartaking in it drives me crazy because if anyone who is super nice to me in person, and they have this anonymous dark side where they can just fucking harass you. I suspect everyone is a part of systemic clique and there are different factions spread out all over the world. Most people don’t agree with that sentiment because there are assholes online misconstruing what is going on and tying it into some right wing shit and then anyone who believes in those conspiracies are all shunned. It is just scary and that is why I am completely transparent because I know my behavior leaves a lot to be desired, but I know that others in the system are behaving worse than me but are making it look like you are some normal person.
People coming into my platforms to tell me to kill myself and try to scare me by insinuating that Howard sent them and if they are telling the truth, I could point it out and they can claim it is someone just riling me up, but if someone is trying to rile someone up that has mental illness that is also pretty sick. When my mental illness kicks in, it becomes difficult to control and I have paid attention to the patterns that are displayed and what is my threshold for how much of a verbal gang bang I can take and sometimes it feels I reach my limit and feel like I am going to break down.
I destroy the good will I build up in a millisecond because of sick people’s desires to see me snap and the sicker part about it is that it is so disguised, that me seeing through it or thinking I have seen through it, people will not believe me and if they don’t I start to throw one of my many tantrums and then I want to offend everyone and everything because my illness makes me want to get people’s attention and by saying the most vile and harsh things that can be thought of, and just say it. And as good as the rush feels at that moment when the devil takes over, I then feel bad about it, and start to reflect on it and then I bump around between this duality of thinking I was wrong to go on that diatribe or am I really justified because these people are possibly doing something far more dangerous.
I could keep quiet like I have in the past, but keeping quiet about shit built up all this frustration and when I would attempt to in the moments of being “woke” I would be shut down because I didn’t have the confidence or self esteem to stand up for myself so I would go on one of my many breakdowns and then the people causing this would play it both ways by pretending to be concerned and also using the mental illness I have against me because they could do it and who would believe me. It has just transpired on a bigger fucking level when you become kind of known on a national platform and one of the biggest shows in radio history, and then when you think you have taken your licks so you can advance in paying your dues, you then get thrown to the side after you got all the use of my insanity and egging me on to call, which I don’t have any proof of but I am familiar with the patterns and the tactics where the same cycle of madness happens while the powerful party absolve themselves from the responsibility of what they may have caused. When you decide to play a long but still find ways to spew out truth, even with a lot of bullshit mixed with it because you have to act a little crazy to get the word out even if it doesn’t come out in the best representation. It is one thing to take the licks on the show, but then there is a perpetuated toxic fandom that exists where people are organizing to drive people crazy and piss them off so their life is in a constant state of mental chaos. I have taken this so much, and when I see people I know getting their opportunities and because I didn’t play ball because I don’t want to shut up about what my thoughts are, it makes people not want to work with me, or that one some level they are not allowed because behind the real scenes, there are rules and when someone is supposed to make an impact they will be chosen to, since the world is also a stage. To me it is all wrestling. I lose my mind because I don’t know if the intent is to make me stronger mentally or is this just a constant cycle and I will never fully recover from this.
I don’t deserve to be here and the higher powers that I feel run things and can take you out when they want, would just do that to me. Why keep someone here who is just a joke to everyone and will always be told to kill myself and there will always be people in my life that will never stop lying to me and if I dare inquire about it, it is meat with such subtle hostility. None of them would acknowledge what I have written, but I am sure they read this and discuss it amongst their group chats, because I am a fucking cornball and because I talk my shit, assuming they do that already about me, it makes me want to strike on someone preemptively because I feel they will always come for me. It has taken its toll, when you feel like you have been kept out of commission while everyone else has their chance to politic their way and now I see what the world is and how people would gun for your spot at any given moment, and the thought of having advanced knowledge and pretending I didn’t know what was going on and I was purposely putting propaganda out there, I would not know how to deal with it. I am not as strong as you mentally, I have toughened up and I am sure breaking down over the last decade has been incredibly amusing for a lot of you.
I hate that I have to write these and it is the same repeated shit. I am like a fucking sitcom that started off interesting but now I am playing the typical tropes and doing call backs for the sake of it and it doesn’t mean anything. I am simply a joke. I can’t even ask chicks out, because some of them are tainted and are connected with people that would be in their ear. I know it isn’t supposed to be said, but a lot of these relationships are manufactured and people are all fucking each other, but we have to present it like this wholesome type of deal, and I would not want to fall for someone who was sent to monitor me and serve as my handler because I am playing in a game that I never knew existed. This is all my opinion though. I don’t have enough experience or skills and this elaborate theories are the only thing I have concocted that makes me kind of interesting but depending on how sensitive you are, because you might be a part of what I am talking about, you will want the conversation to dial back because it becomes scary that someone lowly as me is a bit smarter than you think.
I feel like making all these enemies because I am on this “fuck the world” bullshit, I feel like people will destroy me mentally and I am just alive merely because I need to be a zoo animal for a lot of people. I know most people view me that way and will continue to view me that way. I can never get close to anyone, and it scares me because I say mean things to push people away because I don’t know if people are keeping me close because they want to keep their enemies closer and then they wait it out and when the time is right, I am out of there. The world is a scary fucking place. People don’t want to wake up to this and the ones who are, are pretending they are not because it would affect their bank account. It is fucked up. I will never be able to escape this mental prison. I feel like speaking out has really had its consequences mentally. I am beaten. I can say this because people will think it is the right time to add on to it, but then you are not ready for my insults, even as disrespectful as I have to get to make an asshole troll feel like shit.
If it were people who were just messing around, I get it, that exists, but there is a plethora of people that partake in organized harassment and strike when they need to. Some people do it for the sake of evil, and some do it for the sake of lesser evil. I know these blogs are boring and repetitive but it is all I have, because I can’t talk to anyone about this and not having people understand my view, when I have constantly bought into the official narrative view and there is always something has been misleading about it and then pretending they never had messed up and it only becomes a convenient truth when they need to profit off it. This is why I am afraid people will cover this organized harassment I am facing from potentially of someone who is a big mogul in the game. It fucks with your head that someone could be revered within his industry and it just makes me wonder if people are scared to speak out or is everyone just a bunch of assholes.
I hate writing these because I know it will be inevitable that I will have another blog where I spew venom, after all my birthday is coming up and it always solidifies that my existence is truly shit because I am lucky if it gets acknowledged by anyone in my life personally so much so that I decide not to wish any of them a happy birthday because I know they will not include with their celebrations due to being connected to people higher up on the food chain and then the ones I am invited to are extremely limited and more so a distraction, at least I feel, and then I spin out of control that people locally will show off their exuberate and fancy lifestyle but in such a transparent mixed subtly and then if I further ask questions I will get an uncomfortable response and if I don’t inquire, my mental illness kicks in. I start mixing up the past with the future and apply what was done back then will repeat itself in a more nuanced presentation and instead of having to face that I would rather face death. I know I have to continue living and seeing everyone else winning and them knowing they used my connection to those higher ups and then tried making me humble when they are the ones who should be humble to me.
This is why I am poisonous for the world. People have profited enough, and they got away so okay fine, you win. I fucking lose. Can I leave now? “Why can’t you just fucking kill yourself” because whether you want to buy into my conspiracy, that if you are meant to die you will die, if someone who is supposed to be here attempts that task then they will be brought back or it will be made to be botched and then they have carte blanche to have control of someone. Not like they don’t already but even more an embarrassing and humiliating fashion on the surface so people can make you a fucking meme. No one wants to fucking see that truth and I understand I am small potatoes with what is going on, but when people in the system pretend they care about mental illness and I have been expressing my anger with what is going on and since no one will believe a word I say because it is not convenient for right now. It feels like they will probably look into it if something happens and it becomes too late, then they all will cover their bases and state “Oh my god, I didn’t even know, did you guys know?” jargon.
I don’t know if I will ever get better. I will never be on people’s level. It would be best for everyone if you thought about taking me out. I will continue living unfortunately but always know at the bottom of my heart I root for myself to be gone because too much has fucked with my weak mind and I always have been kind of brainwashed by plethora of things over my life and then getting extra mad about how I didn’t see it sooner and that is why I have been acting like a petulant child because everything that I thought I knew has completely done a mind fuck of a trick on me and fucked my brain up. And then I feel like because others have been fucked with and the people don’t have any idea and then pile on people while thinking you are doing it as freedom but you are doing it at behest of a shady system that controls the narratives.
#hanzi 2018 stern show howard trolls harassment anonymous mental illness#social media attention depressed shit head local
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