#i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish'

[jakowskis]

Day 15 - Are there any ships you dislike?

alrighty so. there are only rlly four i ‘dislike’, and the first three… it’s more complicated than anything, it’s not entirely utter pure-n-simple disdain. it’s less about the ships themselves (in two of the cases, anyway) and more about how they seem to be perceived by the fandom + how much they dominate everything. other ships exist, guys! the other characters exist! anyway ill try not to be mean but i am gonna be petty, lol

so for starters, yeah, jack x ianto. i have a very specific view of it, that i do enjoy, but the fandom seems to be doing something else entirely and i've developed some resentment despite myself. especially bc it’s overrated as fuck. don’t get me wrong, it’s iconic, as far as being culturally significant gay rep, but if im honest idk how well they hold up in 2024? i thought their relationship in s1 and s2 of the show was lackluster at best. poorly written bread crumbs. and yeah i know it was big for 2006 but im just personally kind of offended that they could show them sucking face but not show the intricacies of why the hell ianto would fall for a guy who shot his girlfriend down?? like, their relationship is inherently dark and angsty to me and im interested in exploring that, bc the show certainly doesn’t (initially) bother to, and a lot of the fan content i see is either fluffy (??????????), or angsty in a Tragique way, or is just kind of… fetishy and whumpy? people slot them into a Specific Kind of Dynamic and it grosses me tf out. so the fandom culture rubs me wrong, and then it’s just… such a bummer to like owen and tosh and gwen in a fandom that only seems to prioritize this one ship. there are 22k fics in the torchwood ao3 tag, and 13k of them are janto. now, all that being said… they do intrigue me and endear me, just a bit. but it took the audios to make me give a fuck about them, which is sad. 

on that same note - i have the same relationship with tosh x owen, but i'm significantly less fond of it, cuz it just plain rubs me wrong. i like them in theory, so i spent months trying to figure out how to make them work and what other people are seeing that they think is so endearing and cute - i just can't find it. owen's treatment of tosh is just about the only thing i can't stand about him. he treats everyone poorly, but most of the rest of the cast defends themself (or even hit back, like ianto and gwen, and thats why i ship them with him! it’s spicy! i love balanced unhealthy dynamics in fiction hfdsjkf i can’t lie) - but tosh just lets him, creating an unhealthy power imbalance where she’s just getting hurt over and over again, and it makes me wanna fucking punch him cuz she does Not deserve that. i want him far away from her lmao. except under certain circumstances, cuz i have written fic about them, and i’ve read like three rlly good ones (and the main link between them is tosh stands up for herself and puts him in his place! i HATE how he walks all over her in canon ughhhhhhhhh). additionally, i do admittedly enjoy the angst of their canon arc. i just think fandom throwing them together and making it cutesy is lazy, uncreative, and an injustice to both characters. i think the SHOW throwing them together was an injustice to both characters, especially tosh’s. they're tragic and compelling, ill give them that, but theyre not sweet, and i don't think they'd be good for each other. 

(also worth noting on a show where everyone has tension w each other, imo barrowman & gareth and naoko & burn pull it off the least convincingly and have little to no chemistry. like every other duo just kind of sparks in some way or another, and neither of those duos do. which SUCKS bc they’re the canon ones. but it’s also heavily poor writing like they were doing the best w what they had. grr. like i still dont know what the fuck ianto likes about jack or what tosh likes about owen 😭 that’s ridiculous!)

the other ship i’m petty about is jack x john hart. i just think it’s far too popular for what it is. idek why that is, do we have a substantial amount of buffy fans in the fandom? don’t get me wrong, i liked john in the show + i liked their relationship as well, but i'll always be annoyed when a minor character gets more attention than the fascinating main ones. 

and lastly i hate john x ianto, because i respect ianto, lmao. i can’t lie, if he was my fav i’d probs ship it HJFKDSHFK i love putting my favs in awful situations. but as is it just grosses me out. get him outta there!! 

tldr: i don’t interact w the john hart side of the fandom, and if a fic is tagged 'jack/ianto tosh/owen gwen/rhys' i probably won’t read it 😷

#tdot #txt #i feel meannn fdshfjkd #idk how tumblr search works anymore i RLLY hope this doesnt go in any tags cuz im not interested in hurting ppl's feelings u kno #i dont wanna be smth negative in another person's fandom experience #lord knows i block owen haters HJKFSD cuz it bums me out to see so #but! yeah these r my thots n opinions

[ambitchiovs]

lenny back at it again… i warned y’all about the intros dump. anyway, off to this bitch:

&&. isn’t that [ DEBORAH ANN WOLL ] walking around the hamptons? oh no, nevermind it’s just [ ADELAIDE MONTSERRAT ]. y'know, the [ 19 ] year old [ CIS FEMALE ] known to be quite [ CHARISMATIC and DETERMINED ] but also [ CUNNING and RUTHLESS ]. currently, the police has them as [ A PERSON OF INTEREST ] in the case of samantha wheeler, because they [ WERE PART OF SAMANTHA’S FRIEND GROUND ]. but they go on about their life as [ A STUDENT ]. i wonder what secrets they’re keeping?  [ lenny/23/gmt+3/she/her ]

TW: eating disorders, addiction, mental disorders, possible suicidal thoughts/mentions

DON’T YOU EVER TAME YOUR DEMONS, ALWAYS KEEP THEM ON A LEASH.

In the eyes of Adelaide Montserrat, there was never a girl to be found. If you dare to pry, you will not find what strangers see when they pass her by the crowd. You will look into a bottomless void that threatens to swallow you whole and it will look back at you with smiling teeth. Little Addie, once a girl with pink tutu’s and ballerina shoes, was never one to be meddled with - she would captivate all her teachers and classmates with rosy cheeks and a clever tongue beyond her years, but there was nothing warm or kind about the little girl whose parents held so close she nearly choked to death.

History goes, her father — her biological father, anyhow, was a very powerful politician before he dropped dead. Nobody really knows what happened that night - all everybody seems to know is that all her loved ones seem to fall like dominoes. Her father died when she was 16, during a robbery. The men were never caught, but little Adelaide was left bawling into her mother’s lap. Surprising as it may be, she was actually the product of a one night stand and poor lack of judgement, or so her mother likes to tell her - but Catherine Montserrat was no fool, and she took him for all he had - and as it turns out… That was a lot.

That doesn’t come cheap, for Adelaide, anyways. Being a part of a new family meant she now had a new player to share her inheritance with - and damned if she didn’t do everything she could to throw them off the board. In the eyes of her parents, she could do no wrong - she was pure and pristine and everything they hoped their little girl would be. You’d assume being the younger sibling meant competing for attention - but she never competed. She never even considered it a competition. She won, plain and simple. Her half brother, that man who called himself her “father” now were but pebbles in her shoes, nuisances she had to navigate through to continue on with her luxurious lifestyle. They didn’t understood her, didn’t particularly wanted to, and it was easier to smear on some foundation and bake it with powder than let explain why her skin was cracking. It was easier to strap on those old ballerina shoes and put on a show until her toes were bleeding, than to try and show them what was behind the curtains. And all jewelry in the world, all praise, all money and countless designer bags she accumulated every year could never fill up that gaping hole, that detachment she felt towards the outside world and inability to connect with things and people - even those supposedly closest to her.

You see, Adelaide didn’t lose, because she tailored the game to her whims and batted her heavy set of lashes to make it seem fair. And if she did lose - the game be damned; she’d destroy it and any evidence of her failure with the wrath of a woman scorned. She didn’t want to be a little sister, or a daughter, or something for men to gawk at. She wanted to be something else. Anything other than this vile thing dripping with self-loathing , cloaked in a veil of perfectionism. Something that wasn’t rammed into this golden mold before she even took her very first breath.

Addie’s behavior as well as their parents favoritism only blurred the lines between love and hate between the half-siblings, complicating her understanding of relationships even further. And it certainly didn’t help that her new brother was just as stubborn and competitive as she was. The children were picture perfect, carrying on the legacy of their parents on their backs as if it weighed no more than a feather - while whatever had been good or soft in them began to rot.

But just who is Adelaide Montserrat? The reincarnation of the Virgin Mary to most. The girl with perfect hair, perfect hair and a perfect family. In truth, Adelaide could be seen only as a terror taken human form to those who opposed her, and a perfect, exemplary girl for those who keep a safe distance. What she is, what she truly is, is a game of smoking mirrors - a fragmented girl, scattered into so many pieces to cater to the whims of crowds, that now, when she looks into a mirror, the image that looks back is something recognizable; distorted.

Fueled by her own securities and desire to obtain perfection, paired with the crowd of rich kids that were offered to her as friends growing up, it didn’t take for things to escalate; by the age of only fourteen, poisoning their blood with alcohol, snorting up enough cocaine so she had to carry around wipes and kicking each other in the stomach while crouching over the toilet became somehow ordinary. Encouraged, even. All that deep-rooted self-hatred had to spill someway, somehow. She grew to resent how boys were granted more freedom, more room to misbehave and make mistake. She resented girls for being themselves, for not wanting to scream every second of every day. And she resented Samantha for how genuinely she could smile - for how easily everything came to her, and for how she was everything she could never be; while she was lying in a grave she dug herself - shackled to the image of perfection she’d crafted, held to the highest of regards, expected to never falter nor stutter. It was hard to define the relationship between her - one moment Addie was sweet, the next she was cruel. And as to that unfortunate Halloween night, she claims they parted ways before she could see anything.

All the harder she tries to cling to this illusion of control, the deeper she dives into that well. Parents often say kids will “grow out of it”; their fits of rage, their apathy towards other children, their unwillingness to share, their manipulative, spoiled ways of obtaining what they want- but Addie never did. Somewhere inside there’s still that little girl who’d rather break her toys in half than to share it with other kids. Who’d bump into other little girls at school, and tell the nurse they tripped. Who’d rather set her arm back in place herself than say “you were right”. The little girl who’ll sit in an empty throne all alone, built with the bones of the people she once claimed to love.

PERSONALITY-WISE:

Adelaide is emotionally unstable and has a very competitive, volatile, manipulative personality; she doesn’t forgive, and she sure as hell doesn’t forget, and she can lash out in incredibly ruthless ways due to her extreme lack of empathy for hers. Her addictions and unwillingness to ever speak to anyone in depth about herself only worsen the state of her BPD. Despite all this, on the surface, she can seem like just like any other pristine, privileged girl. It’s not usual for people to find her charming - she does exude that sort of magnetic aura that’s very easy to fall for, because people tend to see what they want to see - and therefore, it’s easy for her to adjust her personality to the expectations of whomever she’s trying to captivate. In a way, her entire personality has merged with her addiction: being friends with her feels a lot like moment of high in exchange for an eternity of sorrow.

She can be a loyal friend, to some extent, although she’ll never put anyone above herself. She’s also very insecure and prone to fits of rage (in private) whenever she doesn’t get what she wants (think broken mirrors and glasses), as her self-image is heavily dependent on what she can achieve and how others perceive her. Deep down, this all stems from jealousy - she so desperately wishes she could connect with other people and things the way everyone around her does, but in the end she can’t, and she’s left feeling like an outside looking in. If she’s miserable, why shouldn’t everyone around her be too?

HIT ME UP TO PLOT U COWARDS !!

for reals, though - i know this was unnecessarily long, but oh well. you can be ex friends with her? don’t know why they’re not friends anymore - but i’m willing to bet it’s addie’s fault.

maybe some sort of competitor?  academic or otherwise.

maybe there’s some poor ex out there who knows what a headcase she actually is? but probably can’t say much bc they fear for her life lmao.

she wouldn’t openly date anybody who could reflect poorly on her reputation, so secret hookups??? give me someone who’s getting sick of being used pls. ( she’s a closeted bisexual. society isn’t very welcome to the idea rn ) so girl crushes yes pls let girls have crushes on her. let her manipulate them bc she knows. i need.

also gimme someone who deals drugs to her tbh, bc this needs to be kept SUPER lowkey, but it’d also be hilarious bc she wouldn’t have to fake her personality around them & it’s like bitch what the fuck this girl is dr jekyll and mr hyde.

i’d love love to see a fake relationship - but i don’t mean the ‘secretly have feelings for each other’ - i mean the… secretly despise each other but they’re image-obsessed people and like being seen as the golden couple.

oH and pls someone give me a… dare i say sisterly connection? mostly, a girl who idolizes her or puts her on a pedestal, that she might or might not have a soft spot for ( which in addie’s handbook just means she’ll be that much crueler whenever she feels like it tbh ) & see it as some sort of protegee.

idk i’m open to anything, these are just suggestions thrown at the wall here. the point is… plot w me u cowards. and yes, my muse does bite.

#hamptcns:intro

[dweebgf]

💋, 💒, 🌧️, 🎶, 💘, 🌈, 💗 ;)

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

okay listen my romantic side says rain but my logical side reminds me i wear glasses and also have sensory hell overload if i get wt while wearing clothes in any capacity so uh. dark skskksk

💒- which show would you want to live in?

moominvalley for sure

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

just lay in bed and watch feel-good videos, or edit music and write

🎶- favorite song right now?

oh god ur getting a top 5 bc ?? one?? no

broken girls by gabbie hanna

guiltless by dodie

two player game from be more chill

bad habit by ben platt (bc i Hate myself)

calendar by panic! at the disco

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

uhhh gonna try to not just shit on myself here and list like. abuse tactics ajkdhfkjsgh

wanting to hear about or making an effort to listen to me talk about/learn about a special interest of mine, that look where you can tell they genuinely care about it not necessarily because they think it’s interesting but because they love hearing you talk about stuff you love

being able to read my body language/perceive things even i wouldn't notice

big fan of being randomly sent things bc ‘i saw this and it reminded me of you/someone else in the system’ bc damn if u like me And my system and make an effort to know us? ur in bitch

this kind of turned out to be more of ‘things ppl do that make me realize im in love w them’ but yeah

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

in girls: (other than you know. everything)

blue and green eyes

freckles

curves

good eyebrows lol

blushing easily

guys:

messy/curly hair (bonus points if it’s brown)

brown eyes

dimples

string bean types (lanky and tall lol)

‘different’ laughs (loud, snoring, just any kind of ‘weird’ laugh im LOVE)

💗- who do you miss?

hmmmmmmmm i wonderrrrrrrrr whooooo i could be misssingggg certainly mot my wonderful gf who sent me this ask uwu

#sweet-siren #asks

[antthonystark]

We really should defend our faves without tearing down other characters. I didn't like it when they rip apart Jace or Alec and their parabatai bonds & the nonsense that Izzy should be his parabatai. I have to disagree that Magnus rarely gets attacked, in fact he is all the time & it's mainly racism. Alec gets paired w/every white boy in existence but not Magnus. Fans are hopping on Magnus hate to excuse their racism so let's not pretend it's not there. Alec is hurting bc we see him still in love

okay im answering this under the cut (because it might get me in trouble oops) but yeah i totally agree with the first part! i never have ever understood how people derive pleasure from hating on other characters just to lift up their own favourites 

but as for the second part, yeah……i feel you, to an extent

and like okay, i’ve talked about implicit biases before, and they definitely exist and shape people’s behaviours and actions in ways they might not be aware of when it comes to how they respond to different things, such as members of various marginalized groups, including people of colour - so certainly hate towards a character of colour can be rooted in these biases (and sometimes, rarely, it can be more explicit than that) 

that said, (a) i don’t know if it’s just me, but magnus is the character i’ve seen the least amount of hate towards in general, but it could just be the fact that i’ve missed it because i don’t see a lot, but i’m usually up to date w/ the drama cause whenever magnus is getting hate my dash is freakin out and defending him lol  (hate =/= criticism of his actions without actually demonizing him)

so yeah, of course racism exists and - often unwittingly - shapes even the most well-intentioned people’s perspectives on characters of colour so that’s not in question …………………….but like……..you know, sometimes a spade is just a spade you know what i mean  like ‘hey magnus was mean to my favourite character alec so i dont like him in this scene’ is not always so significantly different from ‘hey jace was mean to my favourite character alec so i dont like him in this scene’ (which to me at least seems to happen a lot more but again i don’t know the actual statistics or whatever) - like, any kind of negative or even indifferent response towards a character of colour isn’t automatically racism like it’s…………..it’s just usually not that deep?

 i mean, when you start getting into the whole “oh how dare magnus call alec shadowhunter like that” and going into the specifics of what people are talking about in today’s specific drama, there are instances where the tone-deaf-ness of the way people are analyzing magnus’s actions seems to reflect a lack of perspective on the political situation of the shadowhunter/downworlder hierarchy and how complex and inherently inequal the shadow world is in that respect. so is it racism? yeah certainly it could be a reflection of a “they should know their place” attitude when it comes to marginalized communities, or could be just a lack of insight into being part of a marginalized community (again tho guys it is an allegory like a downworlder’s life is not an exact play-by-play of what it’s like to be a person of colour lol). or maybe, it is stupidity? yeah, also plausible given the lack of critical thinking in this fandom towards the actions of like…..every character at some point this season (like, the same backlash has happened towards alec at many of his actions/decisions, but there’s obviously no element of racism there)

likely it’s some mix of the three elements of stupidity, ignorance/implicit bias, and actual prejudice, with the latter being imo pretty rare so you know sometimes it’s just a bit more innocuous (and just plain stupid) than “it’s racist they’re racist they’re horrible it’s terrible magnus is the best why you do hate asians” 

like i know i’m already kicked out of the poc club and this isn’t gonna help but when someone goes ‘hey magnus spoke to alec in a way that was out of line in 2x17 and i wasnt a fan’ it’s not automatically racism and that’s such an exhausting and incorrect way of perceiving another person’s intentions just to prove yourself in the moral and (quasi)-intellectual high ground 

and inb4 the “oh but it’s important representation so you have to like him more because his existence is more important” listen im never gonna say that there should be less of magnus i’m never gonna say that magnus provides representation that’s less important than that which is provided by, idk, jace or alec or whatever it is as he is a bisexual asian man etc etc etc, but none of that means i have to like him the best, and none of that means that he’s beyond reproach if people want to analyze his character’s actions in a non-demonizing, non-stupid way t b q h 

and like i should point out that i don’t think that magnus should really be criticized for his actions in recent episodes, but they are actions that could have bad consequences and that should be discussed if people want to  - but i think they were the path of least destruction in a situation that was a difficult, impossible circumstance to be in (like, in that his people are facing potential genocide kind of dire straits). so i’m not defending my right to criticize him because i’m not even criticizing him lol i just think there’s a really stupid circlejerk around this particular issue that i wanted to talk about 

#what frickin ever #sorry im writing something else right now so my mind is half on this half elsewhere #so it's under the cut so it doesn't get attention #for once that's not what i want lol #discourse / #my thoughts #for better or for worse #anonymous #letterbox #text post

[fagarlic]

i dont think theres a person on this earth who truly believes that i am or that ive ever been suicidal (or at least they certainly dont know how constant it is)

its not even necessarily how people interact with me, its how they dont and thats honestly the worst

the “rational” part of me (objective, but i dont believe it or feel it at all) says that its not that they dont like me, i just dont give anyone reason to outwardly and consistently and actively mention me at all, let alone in the same loving light they talk about others in

the other part feels more that im kinda just here in the way that im annoying but they cant really demonize me and exclude me cuz i havent actually done anything, but they dont love me bc im unlovable in that i dont provide anyone a damn thing but second hand embarassment

and i dont really mean embarassment on account of how im inherently embarassing, its just that i always end up doing the worst shit and i dont doubt that im a difficult person to be in company with

hell im surprised most folks put up the act of tolerating me as much as they do

theres only one person on this planet who i believe enjoys my presence without real or perceived malice/distaste and thats soph

shes an absolute gem and honestly besides it being another friends bday today (even tho that friend in a timezone where her bday has technically passed) shes a big reason i havent already gone and done it

and this is mainly bc the way ive thought would be the most accessible way to do it would involve an element that would be doubly triggering for her and i have no clue how it would affect her considering her past

shes so nice and passionate and unique but in a way where shes unabashedly herself and i admire her a great deal though i kno other folks dont quite view that aspect of her in the same way

i wish i could interact with people in group settings without feeling unloved

hell even individual settings im just as bad

im fucking pitiful and idk if im just feeling sorry for myself or if im just feeling like shit bc feeling unloved feels like shit

i cant wait til i fall asleep bc no matter what uncomfortable elements come up dreaming is undeniably better than being awake

i just wish i had a fucking therapist who could work w me through dbt or cbt or somethin to help me stop thinking about myself/others perception of me in the way tht i do

i feel like fucking crying but id feel really pathetic for it

i also feel like a huge asshole bc just cuz other folks are getting love it doesnt mean they necessarily hate me

and even tho on a rational level i can say thats whats happening i cant believe it yet

maybe itll just take me havin to bart simpson it for years but god i just wanna fucking believe it

idk if its cuz im listening to the dresden dolls that i feel close to crying/if listening to the dresden dolls is making it worse but maybe i should change my tunes to see if tht helps

im such a fuckin wimp

i feel really pathetic