#i hope this doesnt upset anyone ily guys

[inspirelocked]

Hey ya'll

Ily guys

Sorry but like i just feel like talking about this. Idk why here or whatever, maybe somewhere in my head i think someone will offer me some form of comfort or advice..? I really dont expect anyone to, but i just feel like i need to say this for whatever reason

I try not to be one to vent or rant on here but this is me, my blog, my life, my feelings, my experiences. So, as you know i am a trans guy, pre everything. I have a boyfriend (who is magnificent in every single way), and he's cis. He's so fucking amazing that he forgets I'm trans, and that allows me to forget too. He apologizes every time he's reminded like "oh my god sorry i keep forgetting" but it warms my heart bc someone out there sees me as a true boy. Someone really important to me. He doesn't see me for the female body i feel so desperately trapped in. But yesterday, we were at my cousin's house (i still am, they're both asleep currently) for a sleepover. For more context, my cousin Stormie is a BABE. She's homeschooled and the kindest person i know. She said i should invite a friend over for a sleepover with her once, because she gets lonely and i help fill that loneliness by bringing her my friends for her to meet and maybe befriend herself. Me, having fairly recently gotten together a couple months before with my boyfriend, invited him over. He and her had a great time (plus this other trans guy that she had known all her life, and my boyfriend ended up knowing) and became PALS. Like, gOod buddies. She instantly adopted him as her brother and he thrived. Anyways, its been a full year since then, we've -as a trio- had countless more sleep overs and this one was no different. Except, i packed only long sleeved shirts. A flannel and a sweater i had just gotten for a late birthday present. Its cold outside, so thats why. But it was a DUMB MOTHERFUCKING MOVE. I left my binder on purpose because haha why would i need it?? DUMB ASS BITCH. I HATE PAST ME. well, i overheated. I HAD to change. My family is great and offered other shirts, and one tank top they offered me was SO COMFY AND COOL AND GOOD, but, it didnt hide my chest at all. You could see every single curve and it was, very dysphoria inducing. I was like, "alright, well, im just at stormies. It will be fine. They wont even notice, and they'll let you forget about it. It will be alright." And i was about to come back out of stormie's room and remembered my boyfriend was here too. Now, as i said, he forgets. But that doesn't mean in any way that hes unsupportive. In fact he's probably been the MOST supportive force in my life since this whole transition started. He's been there for me through more than anyone else in my life combined when it comes down to my trans-ness. But for some reason, i have this issue where i CANT disappoint him. And, i knOW. My chest being out like that cant be exactly, u know, great. I was a boy right? Was everything i was, wrong? I thought maybe, ughthryaksjfdysgsyrhdg

I cant fucking type what im feeling it gets all confusing and angry. But i felt so terrible for letting him see me like that. He has NEVER seen my chest. Even before i came out and he knew me for like 2 months. I NEVERRRR let my chest be visible. He couldn't pretend there was nothing there, i couldnt either. It was there and visible. I was so near tears it was unbelievable i havent cried yet still. I think thats the worst my dysphoria has been for a month, which is saying something bc its been bad. When we got a second alone He said he felt sorry for me bc he knew i felt bad. But i couldnt really answer him, i just started shaking and continued talking about what we were doing. He said he loved me, and that this was temporary and its ok bc i was a real guy. It really did soothe me, but i couldnt say that, my trembling wouldnt let me address my feelings. I just said "okay" and changed the subject again so i wouldnt start sobbing. Then when we rejoined stormie in the livingroom, we were roleplaying on our phones (this rp has been going for over a year now and we do this all the time. We sit in the same room on our phones and rp back and forth. Its so comforting and nice to me, i love it) and he would glance up at me every few minutes. I had my striped scarf over my chest but you could see the shape. Eventually, i saw him glance up and cringe so visibly. Then he stopped looking up. He seemed to be doing everything in his power to avoid looking at me. I was probably just distraught and upset and maybe thats not the case but at that point i was SO sure i was nothing but a disappointment to him. Ive got this nagging thought/fear whatever that hes going to break up with me for this but i knOW he wont. I at least hope not. Hes repulsed by the female body (i cant say im not either. Im so suicidal bc of it.) And now he just, knows i have one. Theres no more pretending or denying. There's only facing facts and figuring out the next step. Im so sure im not good enough for him and it hurts every part of my body because i CANT be what he likes. He likes guys, he likes men bodies, hes disgusted by boobs and stuff and i cant be the man he thinks hes into. I try so hard to pretend i have a flat chest but no amount of hoping or hurti g or pretending will change the fact that my body is just wrong or will help anything. I just have to keep stewing in the trapped hurt and pray he doesnt get tired of waiting. If he does, then i dont blame him and im really sorry i wasted his time.

Hey thanks just ignore this idk where to vent like this so here ya go.

#inspire screaming #help #dysphoria #chest tw #suicide mention #cw #dysphoria/ #im in so much fucking pain #i just want to go die #i have felt so bad #im so sorry #im a disappointment #i cant be what he likes #i cant be what i like #im wrong #ignore this #ignore me

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE TWO

“I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game.” - dem

HOH: Josh C UPSIDE DOWN: Nick & Joshua NOMINEES: Emma & Nash POV: N/A FINAL NOMINEES: N/A EVICTED: Dem (Expelled)

EMMA

I been struggling in this game which is sad i want to have fun but yesterday made me feel like maybe having a meltdown and leaving 90 percent of servers was a good idea for me i really hope not i just really want to have fun and win for some reasons i always have trouble prejury in games trying to find my footing but at jury and late prejury i always know how to rise ASDFGH the people i really like rn are Jakey loml jev loml aria queen saira queen and also joshua is easy to talk too!!! nathan is also great

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSgjyUhGTng

NASH

i simply think men should stop winning hoh and trying to nom me. its week 2 go target someone else j*sh. jev and i are cool now though <3 love him

DEM

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game. I think I'm not in anyone's bad graces so far, which is good. But I really need to win one of these next HoH's so secure my social relationships. My plan moving forward is to see win HoH's. I want to win the next to HoH's I'm eligible in back to back. I also want to try to secure my relationships with Gina, Jev, and Jake. Those are three people I want to be close with in this game. Also maybe Joshua? He's pretty cool and chill.

SAIRA

I'm still getting a sense of how the game works but I feel pretty good, there are some people that are much easier to talk to than others but everyone is still so nice! i feel good about josh c as hoh! we get along pretty well and I don't THINK im in any danger but you never know! imma be honest, I don't have an actual plan, i'm mostly playing this by ear, just talking to people, bullying beck when the chance arises, and being myself! 

JOSH C

HELLO GIRLIES!

well, we won HOH and that's really EXCITING. i probably didn't need to win this week but i figured that i'd get a win under my belt while nominating people would still be EASY. i can establish trust with some people and get a "i didn't nom you, please don't nom me" situation going on. i also feel like the two people i'm going to nominate would have NOMMED me anyways because we just haven't talked..

who those people are? nash & emma. (vl don't hate me for only nominating women i didn't want it to come to this either)

but i just.. both of them have really only put in any effort to talk to me now that i'm HOH and i don't really LOVE that tbh. i've already told a few people that's who i'm thinking so i kind of accidentally locked myself in on these noms because there isn't any sense in throwing out more names than i have to!!

i have an alliance with kiki, brianna, jacob, jake, and aria. (i think that's the people in it? i wanna say that's right. LKFMSDG love this game for me) and i feel pretty good in that because i like all of them enough and they're people that will watch out for ME and each other. but i know my social connections go beyond that so i'm feeling pretty good with my spot in the game? i have a solid relationship with almost everyone in the game and i think i should be able to play a cute lil utr game for a few weeks. i don't think that i'll get targeted first if my alliance gets outed and if so.. i have ENOUGH faith in my comp strength and relationships to save me against MOST of the cast.

people kind of want me to nominate DEM because apparently he starts drama with people and has been a bit inactive. he's talked with me more than other people so im not super keen on throwing him on the block RIGHT AWAY but i'm thinking he's a good replacement nom because if people think he's MIA then no one other than him will be upset with me. maybe a backdoor? could be spicy..

i don't really know what else to say here so.. i hope this is enough! love u guys <3

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/mJw3qxsZ-Bg

JEV

Okay so I feel like pretty comfortable this week because me and Josh have gotten pretty close and bonded over our mutual love of Lucas HOWEVER he's just let me know he's gonna be nominating Nash and Emma which isn't GREAT since I'm in alliances with both of them and they're the only 2 alliances I have so I really wouldn't want to see either of them go home this week, this SUCKS ASS

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2xRQqqax8

ARIA

how is it ONLY week 2 i feel so hecking exhausted fhsabfd, but that might also be the fact that is 2 am so,,,oop. Um okay recap time!!!! Recaps are so hard because theres minor details that i still want to note without seeming super annoying so heres a minor list of things im noticing 

-Dem wants to "start playing the game" I told this to Jake (wish i could bold names ugh)

-Gina & dem told me they were gunning hard for hoh- i told nathan/monty/nick/,,,,and someone else this

-emma feels unconnected from cast

-Jake doesnt like Gina

-Josh likes Me Jev Kiki (told joshua)

-emma knows alliances are starting to form

-joey can get pwr hungry and chaotic + good comp ability

-told gnia my thoughts on the sides being "connected v unconnected" and other tidbits of info

-GIna (potentially joshua) doesnt like nash

-Nathan/Nash ARE CLOSE!!!!! WEE FUCKING WOO!!!!

-Told Jake that Jacob has the power (and the bs excuse he told gina pretending he doesnt have it,,,sure jan)

-jake is GREAT at lowering his threat lvl im sick

-Jev-Josh-Nathan-Nash all bonded p well on vc potentially an alliance

-jake tried to get gina nominated

-Emma Nash noms

-Jake doesnt want emma to leave

So,,,thats what you missed on GLEE! Honestly glee sucks but yeah thats all my info i would weave everything together with cute transitions but im TIRED and lots of this information doesnt really connect well so,,,have a bullet list! 

okok nvm heres some general thoughts bc JUST a bullet point list is so boringgg im honestly not too sure what i want to do this week bc i think emma doesnt have a lot of people (although she has jake apparently,,,she might just be putting up a front of being unconnected ffs) so i would rather keep her around based on our relationship alone esp compared to nash whose been busy w/ irl things to reply i think (nash would prob do gr8 in old school bb,,,but new school is a whole other beast) HOWEVER!!! I need to protect gina who isn't the best conversationalist (sorry bb ily but its true <3) and keeping nash around ensures people have another "inact" target besides her but also nash is such a god connection for people like nathan and jacob and i would rather get her out sooner than later before we have another renee on our hands ...

Also i havent talked to the pasio peeps (omg if we ever make an alliance,,,that should be the name hehe) in a while and idk if theyre distancing themselves or if theyre just busy fndsjafd god im too paranoid for this game its awful. Also i think i mentioned the alliance with josh kiki bri jake jacob last time and it still isnt made and im PRAYINGGG it never gets made bc i have SUCH an awful feeling like SIX FUCKING PEOPLE??? S I X?? THAT IS GOING TO FAIL AND BLOW UP!!!! but i cant say no to an alliance so here i fucking am :/ also im trying to think of my longevity in this game and like,,, idk im nervous. I mean ive mentioned going to the end with multiple people but i have such a bad feeling im gonna go out 9/10 as a big move and i REFUSE to let that shit happen, not on my fucking watch no sir!! Not sure what to do about it yet but i feel like monty in particular doesnt trust me and i need his ass OUT! or maybe not if he comes around but like??? sir pls talk to me- i mean this phase of the game is early im setting up the pawns for later, but before later theres gonna be a couple explosions of my game which i'll have to deal with,,, or maybe not actually i mean in my first org i did a really well mastermind game with it- nvm it did explode on me once FDBSHFDS yeah so theres gonna be an explosion period but i think im getting good at dealing w/ the backlash from it and reintegrating myself..

oh also yeah im safe this week lol

anyway sorry for rambling so much LMAO have a trust ranking!

1.Gina (MY QUEEN!!!!!!!! i LOVE her!)

-BIG BIG FUCKING GAP-

2.Jake (listen,,,my thoughts go back and forth but he did tell me the noms so,,,have some rights)

3.Saira (we never talk game but i dont think she talks with anyone about game beyond maybe nick and also shes nice and im a sucker for nice girls)

4.Emma (if this isnt all just a front shes gonna make a great number for me,, might need to fact check some of her statements tho)

5.Joshua (honestly? i love him hes so funny and i think he has my back although he could be more act)

6.Nathan (literally havent talked in 3 days but also i have a soft spot for him <3)

-GAP-

sorry the Js are just kinda scary lmao JFNSDKF

7.Nick (!! we gotta an actual connection folks!! heck yeah!)

8.Josh c (im safe! but he D E F trusts others more than me such as Joshua and Jacob)

9.Jev (honestly a king but hes a little quiet although his reccs are the BOMB)

10.Jacob (i know youre being sneaky,,,idk what youre being sneaky with but im getting the vibes)

11.Dem (might be weird but i think he trusts me? at least a little bc he ranted about losing to me so O.0)

12.Brianna (youre adorable and deserve the world but everyone likes you,,,is this how people view me omg fhsabfhds)

13.Kiki (youre SO hecking sweet and actually u probs have a connections to nash but we havent talked ANY game yet)

14.Nash (p,,p-please talk to me uwu)

15.Joey (i dont trust you at ALL! Why? good question-)

was that mean? sorry in advance ilyall but also its 3 am brain empty no filter

NASH

i think jev and nathan might end up being good allies of mine (inb4 betrayal)! despite the mistake he made nomming me, talking to jev has been lovely so far he's getting me into loona LMFAO. and i just love nathan's energy & i feel like as the season goes on i can see him winning comps. i'm excited :3 hope josh c does not end my existence this week

JOEY

I feel FANTASTIC about Josh being HoH. I’m making sure that others are coming to me about gameplans, and I’m making sure I don’t come off as too pushy or aggressive in PMs. With most of the players, I’m trying to give them all the same energy and hype. It seems kinda weird to say this, but I’m not concerned about being nominated at this point. What I need to ensure is building my social relationships with people outside the “Crackhouse”, and yes that big ol friend group moved to Discord in 20 minutes like 6 months ago. 

This is the first major game I’ve ever played with Skinny Nick(yes, I’m absolutely confused as to what to call them, I’m so used to calling Nick “Eve” that its going to take time to adjust.) Speaking of Nick, my social relationship with him is actually surprisingly similar. In the past, I felt as though it would be as “on-sight” as Tom & Jerry, and it actually isn’t turning out that way, which is surprisingly refreshing. Every day, I’m making sure I send Nick something different to diversify my social game with them. Yesterday, I asked Nick about his preferred streaming services for music and TV, and I discovered we have the same music service(Apple Music).

I’ve played one game with Monty before, but it was a disaster. We were in pairs, and it felt like we were on different planets. I did tell him to not worry about personal feelings when it comes to this game, because I compared the relationship of BB Netflix and the Crackhouse to the separation of church and state. I made that comparison because the two entities of church and state should never cross, but when they do it becomes disastrous, and I feel as though that same principle applies to this game.

Overall, I feel good, Emma may be going up on the block, but it shouldn’t affect me that much. We’re in the early stage, I want to make sure I’m good with everyone.

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFeox7LM1-E

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkZ-BIIjTU

HOUSE MEETING

https://youtu.be/BZMorvWvyKY

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT WEEK 1 & 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc-iMpkfrdw&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=3&t=0s

#bbnetflix st