#i know I'll be okay after the shot. i know i know. my family doesnt have a right to know and it's not like they'll believe me anyways

[isaacathom]

ds9 time :) s2e6

'i havent seen one of these in 300 years' i- okay hang on. there was a character IN tng who used a wheelchair. the old guy. the one in the absolutely horrifically bad 'old man' prosthetics who took some fucking drug so he'd regain his youth. i remember this episode. he HAD a fucking wheelchair. you HAVE them. theyre IN THE SETTING. what are you talking about Dax. ? i hate scifi when its like 'oh yea we wont need wheelchairs in the future' bullshit man. anyway

'once her basic needs are met she refuses all special assistance' i would not say 'being able to get around' is special assistance but like. ugh. UGH. we're doing this then are we. we're doing this?

the way everyones reacting to meloras stubbornness doesnt sit quite right with me, especially considering that bashir moments prior spoke glowingly of that stubborness. but also why the fuck did you modify the design? without telling her? like dude what the fuck. she sent you a design, you shouldve just made that, and then maybe as the chief medical officer suggested alterations and improvements and so on once it saw on-the-ground action in its intended environment BY its intended user, which is not you. euggggh.

im not sure i like where i feel like this is going to go? i dont know what i think that is but my vibe is poor.

okay so plot a) melora tries to just do her fucking job and b) quark gets murdered. i understand (i do not)

my problem isn't with melora as a character, i think its with a sort of exhaustion with the fact that scifi tends to erase disabilities because ~in the future we can "fix" them~ and then their rare disabled characters tend to be a very specific way. an aspirational disabled person, i suppose. one who doesnt ask for help, who doesnt "let their handicap stop them", you know the vibe. so its not that she's a bad character, per se, but that shes part of a trope thats just sorta annoying. this all comes with the caveat that im not disabled though so ? basically dont listen to anything i say

"its like slipping into a bathtub at the end of a long day" "really... im a shower man myself" bashir buddy what

BASHIR BUDDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING. what the fuck is this. oh i hate this. like to be clear its a significant improvement from bashir being cringe flirty back in s1 with dax (something that seems to have been dropped like a hot rock) but JESUS. BASHIR.

okay yea sure (skips scene) ill just read the transcript man im good. good for bashir making friends i guess.

yknow again melora has a point, who the fuck puts raised rims everywhere like this. its a trip hazard for anybody!

do not make out on your peril do not make out okay wait okay so she realises hes hesitating, goes 'oh dont worry thats my brother' and then they immediately make out, god thats a fucking awkward chain. that said, lol. the shot of them drifting up was fun.

i am not invested in this relationship at all but i guess its nice to see Dax interacting with other people and sharing some of her knowledge. i like her a bit more than s1.

well thats not exactly where i thought her plot was going but of course, mago-scientifically curing her of her disability, a fucking hallmark. god i hate scifi sometimes. like yea whatever it makes sense in the isolated incident that its the sort of thing she WOULD want, because her bullish independence is very important to her, and whatever, but as part of a trend you just. groan.

"you people sell pieces of yourself after you die, don't you? i'll buy one" odo and quark remain exceptional

"you let me fly, i let you walk, we're even" disability politics aside, cute sentiment.

bashir's complete forgetting that she has a family back home, incredible fucking work sir, truly the empath

this episode is not especially well written, is it

wow these plots collide like a sledgehammer

oh thank GOD she doesn't actually commit oto the treatment, thank GOD!!! THANK GOD!!! oh thank god. genuinely a good choice, like im so glad, from the meta perspective, that she decided being able to see her family and all that was more important. does that make sense? i just like that she made the choice, was empowered to make it, and knows whats up. that rules. thats a good ending for her i think.

that said that episode kinda sucks? its fine i guess.

#ds9 blogging #my thoughts are many but not especially coherently

[autistic-shaiapouf]

I uh. think I might get the 2nd vaccine dose today

#i am tearing myself to pieces over this ://// #i KNOW its safe and i KNOW my right wing family is wrong i know i know i know but my anxiety wont let it go #i didnt really react at all to the first one and i know I'll be okay with the 2nd one; i know so many ppl who got it and are okay #and im really beginning to realize how much my parents' opinions dont matter.. they wont like my adhd or my being trans either #and those 2 are fundamental to who i am... this is such a huge psychological upheaval for me and im gonna need so much help after this #im so nervous but know getting the 2nd dose is good; also i may not be so lucky if i get covid again #my anxiety about coming out is making all my nerve stuff just a little worse too; im taking stock of all my symptoms right now #like. growing up while watching the radicalization happen is like. you grow up with your family saying the sky is red and you KNOW #you KNOW that it's blue! ppl you trust tell you it's blue! but you're so so afraid of what will happen if you try to counter it #the idea of being able to leave is something i never could've considered until recently.. i have an apartment deposit down and everything #i know I'll be okay after the shot. i know i know. my family doesnt have a right to know and it's not like they'll believe me anyways #it's all gonna come to a head next week but i really wanna assert myself as a person who makes independent choices #i dont wanna live like this anymore and i think I'll be able to get out soon.. so uh. wish me luck i guess #but yeah.. vaccine......... i want to try and we're gonna have to keep me calm the whole wait time afterwards #im gonna have to talk to all the medical staff to feel okay too #aaaaaa i hate my anxiety i hate hate hate hate hate this; it's gonna all reach fever pitch and fall apart from there #i do think they've earned a wake up call; i want them to have no choice but to LOOK #anyways here's a monologue in the tags i guess; i have a lot on my mind of course U_U #hoatm rants

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Question Only You Can Answer

Gifs by me. Then to Now.

"You dont want me to fight again"? Nick asked the question he was asking himself.

"It's not that I dont want you to fight. I just thought you were done. You're teaching now and you seem so happy doing that. I didnt know you were reconsidering".

"You think I'm to old"?

"No, baby. I'm with you no matter what you decide to do. I'm in your corner. I'll always be here with you. I just want you to do this fight because you want to do it. Not because they're offering you tons of money or a shot at a belt. I want your mindset to be in this fight not worrying about shit that doesnt matter. You need to be mentally comfortable with this decision".

"I know". Nick chewed on his bottom lip.

"That doesn't sound to confident. If you dont want to do it, no ones going to judge you for saying no and stepping away from this fight. There will be more in the future to take".

"Right".

"Nick, talk to me. How do you feel about doing this fight after five years of not getting in the octagon"?

"I'm nervous". His chewing on his bottom lip became more extreme, he was rocking back and forth on his feet.

"I can see that. Come sit down with me and we'll talk". You patted the couch cushion next to you. Nick came and sat down beside you. His knee started to bounce. You placed your hand on his knee and he settled down a bit.

"What's going through your head"?

"What if I'm not ready? What if I disappoint people, you, Nathan"?

"You'll never disappoint us. We love you no matter what you do and decide. We have your back, Nick". You lay your head on his shoulder. "You've been training, yes not like you're use too. This fight did come out of the blue. But everyone thinks you're ready for this. But are you"?

"I dont know. Deep down, I feel like I'm not. But if I dont do it, someone's going to get mad and cause a shit storm. I know".

"I dont care if someone turns into Godzilla and takes over the world because they're angry. It shouldn't matter to them whether you take the fight or not. They should be by your side either way".

"You're right. But you don't know the UFC. They can and will destroy a persons career". Nick sighed.

"But babe, they've already hurt your career when they banned you from fighting five years ago. You couldnt even go stand in Nate's corner or even come to his fights, that's punishment on a whole different level. That's family. What else could they do"?

"They could fire me. Let me go because I'm not wanting to fight their fights that they give me".

"Then they'd be making a huge mistake. Everyone knows Nick Diaz kicks ass. You are a legend. A legacy no one can take away. You've imprinted on everyone you come along. Everyone loves you and everyone has your back. You didn't deserve that suspension. You did nothing wrong and people saw that. You have made a difference in the UFC. A impact that has changed the way marijuana is portrayed. You won but in a way that hurt you. So think about this fight and make sure you're ready. Dont listen to whispers in your ear from people that hurt you. Listen to you". You take Nick's hand into yours and held it tightly.

"You're right. I shouldnt worry about them but I do. I worry my fans are going to he disappointed. I worry that I'll disappoint you and Nathan".

"Nick, we've been through this. You will never, and I mean never disappoint us from stepping away from a fight. We want you to be healthy and have the right mindset going into a fight. Take time, don't give them a answer yet".

"Okay. I'll take time but I got to figure it out". Nick huffs getting up from the couch.

"I love you". You say to him before he leaves the room.

Nick turns his head over his shoulder. "I love you too". Then he disappeared into the basement.

Later that day, Nick came up from the basement with his decision. He was going to fight. After five years he was stepping into the octagon for the first time and you were going to be right there with him. Win or lose.

#nick diaz imagine #nick diaz fic #mma nick diaz #ufc nick diaz #nick diaz ufc #mma nick diaz fanfiction #nick diaz fanfiction #ufc nick diaz fanfiction #ufc fanfiction #ufc imagine #mma fanfiction #mma imagines #happys-crazy-queen22

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

So for AAW this year i decided to explore some QPRs since ive never done that before (does that even qualify for AAW?). So without further ado (i'll try to keep it quick) these are the relationships that give me the strongest QPR vibes theres no particular order just a attempted color gradient

1. Joan Watson and Sherlock Holmes (Elementary)

Ive talked about these two before for AAW 2019(?) so ill touch on them briefly (and i'll put the link in the notes). Disclaimer: This is a show that i watched in bits and pieces, almost primarily from reruns. The longterm focus of this show is clearly these two's relationship. In the beginning they were stuck together, and then they chose to be together but they still had issues, at one point they stop talking to each other (like legit didnt talk one of them moved away and they didnt stay in contact), were together with issues again, and then they were primarily okay, and at one point left/fled the country together even though only one of them had to. Throughout the show there are these spoken moments that really tell the depth of their relationship, from either them or other characters. Off the top of my head theres "you named a species of bee after me," "i think shes the person you love most in this world," "i consider you to be a exceptional person. So i make a exceptional effort to accommodate you," "this is your home," "i'll stay. Of course i'll stay," and that line in the picture. They dont seem to struggle that much when it comes to describing their relationship and believe "partners" sums it up best. They live together, see each other as the most important/favorite person in their lives, and are raising a child together.

2. Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens)

Im not sure these two count, being not human and all. In the show and in the fandom (and i assume the book) people, and they themselves, struggle to understand their relationship and on top of that they arent supposed to be on good terms with each other (one is a angel and one is a demon). Are they friends? Enemies? Boyfriends? Best friends? Crowley at one point comes to the conclusion that never having Aziraphale in his life again is worse than the end of the world. One of the definitions for a QPR is "undefinable relationship," which fits nicely here.

3. Mako Mori and Raleigh Becket (Pacific Rim)

Disclaimer: i havent seen this movie since it was in theaters and therefore dont remember much. If i had know what a QPR was when i saw this movie it would have made so much more sense. One of the background themes is strong relationships (you cant power the robots without it) which includes familial, platonic, and romantic. These two were left ambiguous, all the shots were framed in that typical "they're gonna end up together by the end" way only for nothing to confirm it at the end. It was wonderful. You follow two different gendered strangers who become super important to each other and share all their darkest secrets and memories and give each other soft looks to not end up dating at the end. Wether or not you see it as a QPR its a movie that doesnt erase m/f friendship and thats just fantastic.

[sorry guys its 2am now these paragraphs are gonna be a little shorter]

4. Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel)

Before Carol disappeared it was clear she was living with Maria, her best friend, and helping her raise Monica, Maria's daughter, from a young age. Its clear her "death" greatly effected them.

5. Maka Albarn and Soul Eater Evans (Soul Eater)

I recently rewatched this show and their relationship on the surface seems like Two Kids Who Are Opposites And Dont Like Each Other Are Forced To Do Group Project type relationship but its actually so much deeper. They're roommates and best friends and each think the other one is the greatest person they know. They both have arcs centered around protecting the other. Soul states on multiple occasions that he's not into Maka, and Maka compares their partnership to her parents' marriage but never actually expects or acts like Soul is her boyfriend. Its clear they're gonna stay together for a long time coming.

6. Clint Barton and Kate Bishop (Marvel Comics)

Okay so i could say so much on this but let me start this off with a big Disclaimer: i have not read these comics, all of my knowledge comes from fan works (like the entirety of ao3 and tumblr) and wiki pages. These two. THESE TWO. Ahhh i dont even know what to say because i dont know if this is a thing where fanon versions are entirely OOC. These guys have something like a 12 year age difference, so from the outside their relationship seems weird. People (real or fictional idr) keep trying to slot them into familial roles (big brother and little sister, uncle and niece, dad and daughter) but the truth is they're friends and partners. Ya its a little weird with their age difference but if they were both 10 years older most people wouldn't even notice the age difference. Clint makes it clear to us just how much he loves Kate. She's super important to him. Just looking for pics for this post i saw so many panels displaying how close they are. Idk if its canon or not but fanfic really gave the impression Kate basically lives part time at his place. These two give me vibes that they have the kind of closeness where they could cuddle on the couch together and it wouldnt be weird. And i mean full horizontal doing a balancing act in order to get them both to stay on the couch between the backrest and the edge so they could nap. Like if one of them was married their spouse wouldnt be surprised to wake up in the morning and find them both eating breakfast in their PJs. Like these two would kiss on the mouth but it wouldnt be romantic at all just a way to express emotion. They just give me this vibe thats led to so many headcanons and idek if its canon

#hinacu #aaw21 #aggressively arospec week #its 2:30am and ive finished #i started at 12:30 #qpr #qpp #queer platonic partnership #queer platonic relationship #joanlock #ineffable husbands #soma #hawkeye squared #hawkeye^2 #i forget the other ship names #we really need a symbol for qpr like u have / for romantance and & for platonic/famlial/dynamics in general #what should we use like a \ or a + or ~

[diamondsnpolaroids]

I know I havent posted in awhile, and I will catch you all up on my weekly polaroid progression shots but I've really been struggling this week and I need to get it out somewhere.

Yes. I am still pregnant. In 3 days I'll finally be 40 weeks. A milestone I never thought I'd get to because this entire pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions, pain and endless struggles. I didnt want to be pregnant this long. At all. This is going to be long and there will be a lot of personal details, but I need to get it out. I'm tired of having all these thoughts with no outlet.

Since I was 16 years old I was convinced I would never be able to have a child. It was always a devastating thought until I got to the age of 22 when i finally kind of accepted the fact and was okay not becoming a mother. The one thing i wanted between those years, the one thing that broke my heart was I'd never be able to experience the feeling of being pregnant. That may seem silly because that's such a short period of time when it comes to being a mother. 9 months of growing a human compared to the years and years of seeing that person grow is so minuscule. But for some reason that was always what broke me most.

I was dating the same man that entire time. I was 16 when we first starting dating, and I'll be convinced till the day I die that he was my soulmate. He was my best friend over absolutely anything. I could be my totally authentic self with him. He knew how weird I was and stayed. He watched me drown myself in my depression and stayed. He saw me act like a child, like an adult, my worst and best moments. Experienced my grief and my biggest accomplishments and was always right there for me. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict father I knew I needed a man that would never abandon his family for those things. He was the man I knew I never needed to worry about.

I never really noticed the abusive behavior. The mental torture, isolation, the control he held over me, how hard his harsh words would hit.. it never really crossed my mind because when the good times were good, they were great. When they were bad, I was convinced it was all on me. My depression was the controlling one. My insane mind was the problem. Never him. Then the alcohol started to take over. He consumed himself in it whenever he had the chance. His childhood was ruined by this substance just like mine was and he was slowly turning to it instead of working out his trauma that it caused. Hed increase the intake slowly but surely and when it got too much for me to handle I'd cry and beg that he stopped. Seeing how upset it made me the first few times hed stop or slow down. But it was never for long. Hed go a week and then once again it would slowly increase and the cycle would continue. After awhile, I was "crazy" and he was "just doing what everyone our age was doing". No one our age was drinking 6+ a night on week days and spending $200 at least per night on the weekends. By the time we hit 7 years it got to an all time low. April of 2019 I realized all of this wasnt okay any more. An old friend had walked into my life and for the first time in years I was treated like a human being with feelings. Real feelings that were valid. I was told and shown that I was no where near the same happy girl I once was. It was all over my face and in my body language that I was a totally different person and not in a good way. It was clear just by looking in my eyes that I was severely depressed. I was reassured that my decision to split to work on ourselves was indeed the best step forward I could have ever taken.

My boyfriend reluctantly agreed to end the relationship for the sake of bettering ourselves or else we'd never last as a long term couple. He stopped drinking. Wed still hangout but was met with an extreme depression on his end, begging for me to stay and help him through it as if I hadn't tried for years and years. I knew nothing I could do would make him change, it needed to be a decision he made for himself. He had ruined every part of my being and I needed to explore who I was as an individual. My old friend made me feel ways I hadn't in years and eventually I caved to my emotions and desperate need to feel wanted without the attachment and abusive behavior always on my shoulders. I wasnt with my ex, and I kept it from him. After a month I started to notice his changes but it wasnt enough. He still tried to keep me wrapped around his finger while questioning my every move. He was working on it though, and I was noticing the change, but I couldnt stop what I was doing.

After another month he found out. He was upset, naturally, but was still around. He still wanted to work on it. Then 3 days later I took my first pregnancy test. It was positive. I kept it to myself praying it was a fluke. I took 2 more the next day. It wasnt. I took one last one, called my doctor, then called him over. I told him, and it wasnt an ideal reaction. He was forcing an abortion on me. For someone who never thought they could get pregnant, to find out after years that it was indeed possible, I just couldnt. This was a miracle in my eyes. Once I told him I couldnt, giving him the option to sign off all his rights and to stay away if that's what he wanted, he accepted he was going to be a father. But he also disappeared. Just up and left, and I was met with the worst mental abuse he could ever dish out for weeks. I had never felt so low in my entire life. Being told our child is a mistake, how terrible of a person I was and how him not being around is totally and completely my fault. What i failed to mention is for the last 3 years of our relationship he would use snapchat to talk to girls behind my back. I'd check his phone after every fight and hed go out drinking, just to see up to 7 different girls names with a "sent" notification beside them. I'd delete them off his contacts, confront him, ect ect, but he never stopped. I was always ashamed I stayed with someone who could do this but my love for him was so blind and so strong.. I couldnt let go.

Whenever I would mention all the hurt he caused me, it never compared to me sleeping with someone else while we weren't even together. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. And he couldnt take even an ounce of responsibility for how he treated me and pushed me out of his arms. After 2 weeks of us knowing I'm pregnant, he started seeing someone else. He was drinking beyond what he ever was with me, and now he was with someone else. Some girl who was also fresh out of a long term relationship, totally okay with the fact he was to but also expecting a baby with. I shouldnt have been mad or upset, we weren't together, but it hurt. I wanted the man I thought I'd never have to worry about being a good dad to actually be here with me on this journey. But he wasnt. For the months to come he gave me promises that their relationship wasnt an offical thing and reassured me he doesnt think she'll be around long. I shouldnt give up hope on us. My hormonal, emotional self prayed that was true.. until they became official in September.

Once that happened, it was like a ghost town. I only saw him for the 3 ultrasounds we had to pay for. He never came to any doctors appointments, he didnt feel the baby move, nothing. The entire time blaming me for him not being around. I sat at home every day after long shifts at work knowing I'm all alone in this world, growing a baby, doing everything by myself while he lived his life with no responsibility, laying next to her every night. Every day my heart broke. Some days were better than others, but not a single day I didnt wish and pray that hed atleast be there for his child. I knew my feelings weren't relevant anymore, I just wanted my son to have a father. He needed to have a father. I wasnt going to let my kid go through life always wondering why he wasnt enough for him like I did. I still hurt for myself, but no where near as much as I hurt for my son. I was given empty promises from my ex, he said hed call every day so atleast if he didnt watch our baby grow inside of me, hed atleast know his voice when he finally arrives. But hed go days without calling, and it would somehow turn into my fault because I hurt him too much to call his son.

I've spent this entire pregnancy working on myself, on my mental health, researching how to be a mother, what I need to do and stay away from, how to cope with every type of situation that may arise. I've done nothing but work on growing myself to be the best person I could be for my son. He just stayed drinking away his problems, distracting himself in every type of way he could. Avoiding all responsibilities of becoming a father soon.

Fast forward to about a week ago, when a phone call got a little spicy heated between us and ended in me sending him some snapchats of myself by his request. I know I shouldnt have, he was with someone else, but I missed him and wanted one last feeling of being wanted by the man I always thought I'd marry. I did exactly what broke me the last 3 years of our relationship and I really didnt feel bad about it. For 2 days this continued until it just stopped and he got cold with me. Once again, I'm left broken hearted but this time, I know it's my own fault.

During the time before this, for months I highly considered giving my son my last name. It made sense. He wasnt reliable enough to even spend 30 seconds every day to call his son, how could I ever believe hed be there every day for him once he was born? It was logical. Everyone who knew our situation told me I should even before I brought up that being an option I was weighing in my mind.

A few days after our snapchatting stopped, I had to finally tell him. I couldnt bring myself to blindside him with something so serious. I should have, really, but I still hold his feelings deep in my heart, and I couldnt hurt the man I spent over 7 years with like this. So I told him. He broke. But not in any way I ever thought he would. He confessed how he still loved me, how everyone around him knows he still loves me, ending with how much this would break his heart, giving us no chance of ever being together again. We'd never be able to do things as a family, hed never look at me or our son again. It was, to say the least, extremely intense. But it also left me wondering if this was one of the many manipulative ways he knows to get what he wants. He always brought "us" up to get his way on things. It felt genuine, but I'm also extremely hormonal and yes I still love and miss him like crazy.

It's been a few days since then and theres been no word of any feelings since. Hes been cold and more distant and my heart is once again broken into a million pieces. Hes called a couple times but he still misses days. I was given the go ahead to try and self induce labour by my midwives so I have been. When he calls and asks what I did with my day, I'd tell him. Last night apparently I shouldnt have. I was met with anger because I should "leave him be, he'll come when hes ready" as if he knows any kind of physical pain I've been through these last few months.

These past 2 weeks alone I have felt nothing but pain. Between feeling my hips separating, my pelvic bones shifting and my son's head descending lower, constant back pain, not being able to walk properly, my kid sitting on nerves leaving my legs feeling paralyzed or sending shocks into my vagina. Not being able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time max, peeing every hour on the hour, his feet kicking my ribs so hard I curl over, getting his feet stuck under them as well. The pains are unimaginable as you can see, now mixed with all the emotional distress I've been under... you could imagine how I'm ready for this child to enter the world. But no.. I'm being selfish. He isnt ready. I'm fine to keep going. Because apparently my ex knows everything my body is enduring just to bring our child into this world. It broke my fucking heart last night when he yelled at me for it. Absolutely shattered it.

Which brings us to this picture. I couldnt sleep once again, and every time I woke up I was met with mind numbing depression and long crying spells. I feel more alone than ever. My 16-22 years of age is crying for me knowing this was all I ever wanted out of life and it has been constantly ruined and brought down by a man I never knew would act the way he has been. This pregnancy was so easy in almost every aspect compared to most women, I've been so so blessed to have such an easy time physically and yet I constantly feel as if he has ruined this experience for me. Sometimes the mental abuse from a man is worse than the physical. And he knew exactly how to ruin this all for his own selfish needs. I've spent all day today feeling ruined, beaten down, and just straight up depressed. I'm not ready to be a mother, infact I am absolutely scared shitless to be one. But I'm willing to go through being scared over all this physical pain I've been through that seems never ending. I'm ready to meet and love my little man. But once again I feel like I cant even be happy about it because of my ex.

I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of being so inlove with a man who has shown me time and time again he wont be the father I always knew he could be. My heart hurts so bad for my son every single day. And I'm just.... tired. Which is why I'm posting this picture along with my story. I know some women have it worse with their pregnancies and the fathers leaving. I know some men can be all of this plus physically abusive towards women. I know I dont have it the worst, but I'm trying. I need to for my son. I doubt this post will get very far, and I know a lot of judgment will come my way for it, but if my pregnancy journey can help even one woman not feel so alone, then I'm happy with sharing it.

#pregnancy mention #pregnant #preggers #pregnancy #single mother #single mom #polaroids #polaroid #instax #instant photography #inspiration #instaphoto #baby bump #baby #babyboy #my baby

[l4d-special-delivery]

How did this day manage to creep up on him every year? how did he always manage to forget just how close it was until he checked the callander and saw the date “July 20th”? And to make this year worse, he wasn’t single anymore... he couldn’t spend it alone like he usually did...

Desmond felt like an asshole for not tell Chris about today, not telling him why he was acting so much more withdrawn and spaced out than he usually is with everyone inclusing him. He felt like an ass for just leaving Chris when he clearly sounded conserend for his behavior, I mean, with his resent “attempt“ Chris had the right to be worried. But Desmond didn’t even give him a reason for his behavior, he just told him he was leaving and left the house, and he felt like an ass for doing that because he KNEW how Chris was going to enterprate thoes words after what happened with his recent suicide attempt, but he didn’t want to be around him right now, and he hoped to fucking god that he hadn’t followed his scent up here, he didn’t want chris seeing him like this.

Desmond was sitting over the railing of a tall building in a safe zone that Keith had mentioned in passing when talking about a new hunter friend, the area was owned by said hunter and, of cource, the ex-military solider had asked permition to be up here on this day, just so at least ONE person knew where he was. The reason he chose this safe zone owned by Aiden? it was because Desmond has hoped that if he knew the area was owned, he wouldn’t feel the urge to throw himself off the edge and burden the hunter with having to clean up his mess, however... the need to jump was still overwhelming to the soldier’s mind...

11 years... 11 years, and yet I can still feel the moment when I pulled the trigger like it just happened.

Desmond let out a quiet, forced sigh, leaning his back on the cold metal of the railings that ran around the roof while taking a long drag of a blunt he had rolled just for the ossacion. He felt extreamly selfish for still feeling this regret and guilt after so many years, he felt like he should have gotten over these feelinsby now, expecially now that he had a new family to take care for, but even then, the feelings long built up over these 11 years still stabbed at Desmond’s heart like a harpoon to a whale.

His one good eye drifted down to the asfolt below him, the need to step off the small ledge he had his feet resting on causing a sickening taste to develop in his mouth, a growing sickness forming into the very pits of his stomach that he couldn’t tell apart from his emotions or the amount of weed he had smoked today ontop the building, he'd been up there for a few hours already anyways.

Desmond was still trying his hardest to prevent himself from jumping, trying to keep his friends and family in his mind. The way he saw how worried Chris was when he left the house, the way Ryan made him promise to come back home today as, of cource, Keith couldn’t keep a secret and had told Ryan what today was. He had saw the all too familiar look on Keith’s face when he had left, the look that had said that he didn’t want to lose his brother. There was also the book he had been given from Aiden too keep hold of for the day, and he knew why he had been given it, after all Desmond was still a soldier at heart and he respected others property, he fully intended on returning the favorite item. And then there were of course his pups, his three childeren that depended on his as their papa, as their father. He may not be related to any three of them by blood, but he still saw them as his childeren and he knew they saw him as their father, even the newborn, their baby, his baby with chris...

He had all this, all of this to his name and so many reasons not to do this and yet still... still the memory and thought of what he had done to Daniel was just so... unbearable.

You know... what really even is the point? I try so hard to keep everyone happy and safe and put my own life on the line so many times and all I ever get back from it is pain and suffering... and I can’t even TALK to people without holding a GUN to them... Ryan? I threatened to shoot him three time because he’s dating Keith... Siren? Shot her because I had an episode... Dennis? Threatened him for being close to Jasper... And Fucking CHRIS!? If I hadn’t hasitated I would have Fucking killed him then and there... and I’m probably going to fucking hold a gun on Aiden at some point to! I’m a fucking mess....

Desmond wasn’t exactly talking to anyone, he was just ranting, going on about how he felt and what he thought as he knew he’d never say any of this to anyone, the weed in his system giving him the extra push to just be emotional where noone can see him. He felt so empty and alone in this moment, fists clenched tightly shut as his green orb glared at the concreat he felt to be hunderads of feet below him.

Without even thinking, Desmond shuffled one of his feet foward, hanging the tips of his toes over the edge and feeling a growing pit in the bottom of his gut once he felt the lack of a solid surface on a section of his sole. It woud be that easy, just move his feet slowly over that limit and it’ll all be over, right? that pain and regret would stop... Right...? but was he willing to break his promise? He had promised Chris he wouldn’t do this again... that he wouldn’t attempt this, that he’d get better and he wouldn’t leave him. He had promised Keith that he’d be there when he would get top and bottom surgury. He promised Ryan that he would be there to suport him through his change too. He had promised Jasper that he would protect him. And he had promised Aiden that he’d try not to follow through so he could return the book given to him for the day. But still... still, he couldn’t... He couldn't do this anymore...

Keith and Ryan have each other... Jasper has Dannis to protect him... the pups have Chris, and Chris doesnt need me... I can’t keep doing this... I can’t keep pretending like poeple care about me... The only man I knew loved me, is fucking dead because of me! If I hadn't have pulled that trigger, then.... Things would be different... Why.... Why did you leave me, Daniel....? Why did you tell me to take your life, why me!? Daniel.... I miss you.... I love you, so fucking much.... You won't have to wait for me much longer, love.... I'm sorry I made you so lonely, and I'm sorry I've made you wait..... I'll be there soon, Daniel.... I want to see you again....

Even just muttering his name caused the stabbing sensation in his heart to grow and spread through out his numb feeling body. He felt the burning sensation in his throat from the tears forcing their way to the surface, irritating the scars on his left eye and causing him to to wince and sniffle while he began to sob, the blood mixed tears staining his overly pale cheek. slowly, Desmond raised his arms to cross them over his leaking eyes and over the bridge of his nose, letting his tears fall after months of denying their existance and acting like he was okay.

He wasn’t sure how long he could keep this up... He just wanted it to stop hurting... He wanted to be happy... He wanted Daniel... He wants to be with Daniel again... He loved Chris... But he still loved Daniel.... His beloved husband, his fallen angel.... Chris could never compare to anything Daniel was in his life, he wasn't even close, and still Desmond loved them both, they were both his husbands, but.... Daniel was just.... Someone he desired to be with more on this day...

He can't keep this up.... He's sorry... He's so, so sorry....

#Special-Delivery #One moment I'm here the next I'm there || Desmond #tw suicice #tw sucidal thoughts #{for context... July 20th is the day Daniel died...} #{and let the angst begin} #{depending on how things turn out} #{depends on if I kill him off or not}