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touyaz · 2 years

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Ok but what is soft Gojou like in your mind bc as much as I love reading about him being a smooth fuckboy, I also know deep down that that man is an absolute BUFFOON when he’s in love

i cannot seriously imagine him as a fuckboy bc like..... he's got trust issues + no time to play around lmao. it's still fun to read tho !!

ok only after writing it all did i realise you asked for soft gojou and this is more........ my version of him being in love, and it's like,,, a lil goofy and realistic?? not necessarily /soft/ so i apologise akjshda if u want soft specifically lmk !!

MINORS, AGELESS & BLANK BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT. 18+ ONLY.

WHEN IN LOVE THO HE'S SO !!!!!!!!! god. goddddd. definition of a menace but we already know that. he has little time to spare, so he will take up all of yours whenever he can. will take advantage of the fact that higher-ups cant really say no to him (or they will but he will ignore them <3) and drag you on his missions just to spend time w you. will take you to his favourite places to get some food, and then head somewhere a little more exclusive. kinda strikes me as the guy to go on reddit and find obscure/ hidden places where you two can chill for a little while together, like a lil adventure + picnic date daskjhd he's cute <3

i also think he's a movie buff + so you'll have a lot of late night dates w takeout and film marathons. he barely sleeps so he'll tuck you in when you fall asleep and continue watching without you </3 threatens to spoil the film if you dont listen to him the next day. i can see him being someone that talks a lot in films, but i prefer imagining him quiet during those times bc its like a way for him to unwind and relax? he'll tease you a bit/ make lil jokes throughout, hog the popcorn but otherwise he's actually a decent guy to watch films with. v knowledgeable. theres little he hasnt watched. can give good recs, but would rather make u waste ur time on some shitty film :/

massive foodie + he's got a.... weird obsession with handfeeding you lmao. is v playful, pretending to feed you then pulling away. stealing food off of your plate and denying it :| 100% wipes sauce off of your lip then licks it off his thumb. slurps obnoxiously loud + grins when ppl stare at him. when he gets a foam moustache from drinking smth creamy, he'll try to lick away and he just looks like an absolute fool. kinda cute tho. if you want him to share his food w you, youve gotta give him something in return (usually a kiss, sometimes a quickie lmfao).

his phone lockscreen looks like a default pic (a beach in okinawa, he says), but youre his wallpaper!!!! it's probably the worst picture he has of you, but he will insist that you look cute :/ he looks flawless, smirking at the screen, and your face is beside his, w his hands squishing your cheeks. u look v disgruntled and funny. no amount of bargaining will get him to change it until yall get a wedding pic or smth </3

i've said this before but he has the worst pet names. v cringe, food-related names like cupcake, sugar pie, honey bun, gumdrop. SWEET CHEEKS. SWEET CHEEKS IS HIS FAVOURITE!!!!! he's so fuckin loud as well, he doesnt care if youre in public/ around family or kids, he'll scream that to get ur attention. has no shame. the only normal pet names he'll use are babe/ baby, honey, sweets. says your name in a really teasing tone, like yknow when manga characters' speech goes like this~♡ that's how he calls you. also sarcastically calls u your highness/ majesty + he'll call himself ur humble servant. gojou u r the court's jester know ur place :/

loves calling you to hear ur voice. will video call u and ur like ?? arent u on a mission rn? and he's like yeah watch this bb <3 its the easiest way for him to spend time with you when he cant be there in person :(( kinda cute but then he'll make u watch him eat your fave food + say that if you wanted to eat this, u shouldve joined him on the mission. when u hang up on him he'll buy you it tho :( <3

i could go on abt how he's part of the biting + licking love lang group, how he likes drawing a bath for you when he's feeling melancholy, how his fave position is missionary, how his favourite place to kiss you is your forehead but i will shut up now <3

here are some other posts if u want more of my hcs for him !!

+here

+love lang

#yall gotta stop fueling my brainrot for this man bc i never know when to shut up #shouldve read this ask properly but i saw g.ojou and went a lil wild #sorry for taking so long to answer this omg #anon #mine #mine.jjk

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soulkiba · 7 years

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I saw you reblogged one of those ask memes. I want you to answer all of the questions!!

Alright here I go~

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?Nah neither of us would be straight enough for that in the first place.2. You talked to an ex today, correct?Nope, don’t have one.3. Have you taken someones virginity?Oh jeez, no.4. Is trust a big issue for you?Well...usually not really, I tend to trust people pretty easily but it just takes time for me to really get comfortable with them.5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?I would’ve really liked to but unfortunately no.6. What are you excited for?Hmmm...can’t really think of anything rn tbh.7. What happened tonight?Nothing really special, stayed up skyping with friends until around 3 AM, drew and played some Video games.8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?I guess disgusting is a kinda harsh word? Or not the right one. I just get really uncomfortable around people who are really drunk, not only girls, just in general.9. Is confidence cute?Hmmm...not really for me? I guess I think people who are insecure about things are at times more adorable then people who are very sure of themselves. Though now that I think about it, I guess people who are confident can be cute in their own way too?I’m just gonna say eveyone is cute.10. What is the last beverage you had?Iced Tea.11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?I would say one.12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Nope! I actually thought about getting some from times to times but was never really sure of it.13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?Either skyping with friends or watching something on youtube with some snacks and relax. Actually sounds a bit sad now that I read that?14. What are you going to spend money on next?I can see my dumb ass investing money into video games again but I need a new Laptop for the School I’m going too so that should probably be the next thing I actually need to buy.15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?Never kissed someone before!16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?Yeah I think so and I’m pretty scared about that.17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?One of my best friends, @nueps . Oh and definetely @gonjcat too. You guys are awesome.18. The last time you felt broken?Huh...I’m not sure, lately I’ve been doing a bit better but I think it should’ve been last Winter, not 100% sure which month though.19. Have you had sex today?Nope, don’t have anyone for that anyways.20. Are you starting to realize anything?Uuuh...don’t think so rn.21. Are you in a good mood?Not really? Just woke up and I’m still pretty tired and a bit anxious.22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?Yeah sure. I mean, as long as I won’t do it alone cause I would probably be very scared. But sharks are awesome.23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?Not sure what the colour of my Dad’s eyes actually are but I don’t think so.24. What do you want right this second?Uh...something to drink. I should get something, hang on.Update: Had Iced Tea right beside me but didn’t see it.25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?Well...if we are in an relationship I would definetely get really scared and insecure and ask them why they did it, probably immediately jumping to the worst conclusions.If it’s just like, a crush or something I would probably just stay silent but still would get pretty bummed out.26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?Yup, never dyed my hair before. Wouldn’t really have any idea what colour anyways.27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?Thats...a weird question? I don’t think so too. Cause I laugh when I am happy and if they don’t make me happy, why should I date them then?28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?The friends that I skyped with yesterday. Or more like, today but very early today.29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?Nah.30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?Well...thats a hard question. I would say yes but sometimes there are just people who I wouldn’t really give a second chance.31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?Nope not at all.32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?Don’t have feeling for anyone right now.33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?Oh boy howdy, definetely not.34. Listening to?Right now to Caught in the Middle by Paramore.35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Oh yeah all the time, especially in my sketchbook.36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?Again, never kissed anyone before.37. Do you believe in love at first sight?Hmm...yeah.38. Who did you last call?I think my brother? Either him or my Dad. And well, if you count skype calls then one of my friends though I’m not totally sure who.39. Who was the last person you danced with?Never danced with someone.40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?-insert the usual here-41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?Oh god...never? I guess? I ate muffins before but not sure about cupcakes.42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?Nope.43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?Eh...I dunno I never really had a real crush. And I rather wanna forget the one time I kinda crushed on someone for the first time cause that was just embarassing.44. Do you tan in the nude?I don’t tan at all but theres people who tan nude?45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?*insert jazz music*46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?Eh, kinda? I hung up the call once I got very sleepy and pretty much immediately head to bed after that.47. Who was the last person to call you?On my phone my brother, via skype @warriorvolga .48. Do you sing in the shower?Nah, I can only really sing along to music and often when I’m showering my mind usually just goes kinda blank and I can’t really think about anything specifically.49. Do you dance in the car?Nope, I sometimes move my head to the music but really not much.50. Ever used a bow and arrow?Yeah but not really like a professional one. My dad had an old, fairly small wooden bow with some wood arrows lying around in our garden. It was fun to use until I shot all the arrows into a tree and never saw them again.51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?Like, 2-3 months ago for an application I had to send.52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Oh no, not at all. I think I’ve never really seen a real one but they look like alot of fun. Gotta watch Hamilton someday, seems like that is a really popluar and cool one.53. Is Christmas stressful?No not really. I really like Christmas, for me its just a really pleasant and calm time. I just really like the whole atmosphere.54. Ever eat a pierogi?Yupe, even made them myself once in Russian class.55. Favorite type of fruit pie?Either strawberry or tangarine.56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?Strangely I’ve never really had much plans about that when I was younger. I remember saying once in elementary school that I wanted to be an archeologist but that was probably just because it sounded cool.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?Uuh...no not really. I would like to believe that theres definetely is more after death but thinking about death is still a pretty unpleasant topic for me.58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?Oh yeah totally and its so weird that I sometimes think there something supernatural going on. Well not really but its just very, very weird and its especially with things like League of Legends where it sometimes feels like I’ve seen a certain scenario or play before. It doesn’t happen toooo often but still.59. Take a vitamin daily?Nope.60. Wear slippers?Oh yeah absolutely.61. Wear a bath robe?Nah that feels a bit unnecessary. Though its kinda fun wearing them.62. What do you wear to bed?Ususally older shirts that I don’t wanna wear over the day anymore and some comfy pants.63. First concert?I think I’ve never actually been to one before.64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Don’t actually have any of them over here in Germany.65. Nike or Adidas?Uuuh...I don’t really care but I think I have/had more Adidas stuff then Nike?66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Again, don’t have neither of them here but I don’t even know what Fritos are so I’ll go with Cheetos.67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts! But I don’t think I’ve really tried Sunflower Seeds before.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?Don’t listen to her but that one with all the screaming goat edits was pretty ok.69. Ever take dance lessons?Nope~70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?Thats actually a pretty interesting one but...hmm...nah can’t really think of anything specific. For some reason I thought about carpenter though.71. Can you curl your tongue?Yup!72. Ever won a spelling bee?Nah, we don’t specifically have spelling bee’s over here anyways. I think?73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?Hmm...no I don’t think so? Definetely can’t remember it.74. What is your favorite book?Gotta have to admit that I really don’t read alot of books. I usually got trouble to really get into them but it’s the same with like, fanfiction and short stories and stuff. Last Book I finished was like, the second book of Eragon in what, 6th grade. It was pretty good though.75. Do you study better with or without music?I honestly can’t say, I think I study better without it but I don’t really like studying without it. I recently tried studying with this site called A soft Murmur where you can just turn on specific sounds like rain, waves or fire and that was really nice. It’s good for relaxing or falling asleep too.76. Regularly burn incense?No? Do people do that? Does it have like, a specific smell or something, I really don’t know why you would burn incense and kinda feel stupid about it.77. Ever been in love?Nope, and honestly, I’m still conflicted if I would like to be in love with someone in fear of rejection. Thats probably why its hard for me to crush people too, I just don’t really get my hopes up. And being really socially insecure and awkward and incredibly bad at handling conversations really doesn’t add to that. So I guess I just hope someone will fall in love with me eventually. It’s an nice but also sad thing to think about.78. Who would you like to see in concert?Oh boy...hmm definetely Young the Giant, thats still one of my favorite bands ever.79. What was the last concert you saw?Wait didn’t we had this question before? Hold on.Ok nvm the other question was about “First concert”. But still, never been to one before but I think the last time I watched a bit of one on Youtube was from an Gorillaz concert.80. Hot tea or cold tea?Hot tea, Or well...iced tea I guess.81. Tea or coffee?Tea. coffee is just to bitter for me.82. Favorite type of cookie?I guess just plain old chocolate cookies.83. Can you swim well?Oh god no, I have an awful stamina. Like, everytime when we had to swim laps in PE, I was atleast two laps away from the other when they got done. I usually did them in the end but I was just, really bad and it was definetely no fun. Usually I actually like water but I don’t like taking my shirt off so I haven’t been in the water for awhile now.84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?Yup. Not for super long though.85. Are you patient?I guess that depends on my mood. Usually yeah but I get very uncomfortable when I’m feeling bad or anxious . But yeah, most of the time I’m pretty patient. Or definetely don’t try to show it when I’m impatient.86. DJ or band, at a wedding?Band. DJ just sounds pretty weird? I’ve never been to a wedding though so eh, maybe DJ’s can be pretty cool too.87. Ever won a contest?Not like a big one, no. There was a drawing contest which I partcipiated at once and I got second place there. No idea how many peopel actually participated there though. I got 20€ though.88. Ever have plastic surgery?Uh...no. And probably won’t get one either. Definetely not planning it.89. Which are better black or green olives?Don’t really like either. The black ones look cooler though.90. Opinions on sex before marriage?Would definetely be fine with that, don’t think why you should wait until marriage for that. Except some like, religious influences I guess? If there are some in specific religions, I really don’t wanna go to deep into that.But I kinda think of sex as an really intimate act of showing that you really trust someone. Like, I think I would only have sex with someone I really trust and with someone who I actually do love. But again, I never had sex so maybe I just see it a bit differently.91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room. Make it as cozy as possible.92. Do you want to get married?Yeah I think so. If only Germany actually had gay marriage.Sorry for the tons of typos that are probably in this whole thing!

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cheskalagran · 5 years

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BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful. U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it. everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

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inequilibrium · 6 years

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this is really unasked for and i hope is not a burden and if it is im truly sorry but i need to talk to someone. In addition to it, i want to maybe warn you if you don´t want to read this ask im going to talk about mental health and concerns i have.[ ------ ]----- Lately i´ve been struggling with depression an anxiety, as it is; the main reason is because i couldnt find what i wanted to do with my life, or if its even worth it. Being honest i never wanted to board that issue, not even when (1)

everything is under a cut!

(2) i had to choose a major, and rn when im about to finish it i realized i messed up, i dont know what i want to do because my drive to keep studyind that major wasnt because i wanted to do that for life not even because i enjoyed it, i did it because it was ‘the right thing to do’ ‘something i always wanted’ and it kept me busy with the idea that at least i wasnt being lazy, i was doing something, my life had a meanig and a gold, for who? who knows (2)

(3) and now that i find myself finishing it, and i have to choose again something to specialize and get my degree i started thinking about why keep doing it, i dont want to get a job according to it, i dont even like it, i dont hate it either but i truly dont see myself doing anything related to it. And it hit me, really hard and it hurt so much, the fact that i actually trew away five and a half years of my life, thinkig it was the right thing to do and being unhappy, for what (3)

(4) i was avoiding the whole thing and i dont even know why, but the moment i found myself thinkig about where i wanted to go, getting a job and why i wanted to finsih my carreer; i realized that, because i wasnt brave enough to face my problems and reallity i could be stucked forever doing something i dont love, spending more and more of my time instead of actually investing it. I made a mistake and it felt really awful, how many more years was i going to be okay throwing away (4)

(5) and now im stucked on a different place, now i want to find something im willing to spend my life on but i cant think of anything. I havent fully forgive myself for acting the way i did, it really really hurt those 5 years of waste, and i dont want to keep loosing time that wont come back. I try to make peace in the sense that okay, theyre gone but im still young, theres so much more i can do; but is not easy. Ive been feelling so lost and hopeless. i want to have a reason, a purpose (5)

(6) i dont want to stay till but rn i cant find a reason to even get out of bed, why would i get up, get dressed, eat. If i dont have something i want to do or get, either acomplish; and the things i have at the moment i dont want them because even thinking about them makes sad each and every day. It sounds really bad since im on an advantageous position, i have health and i am abled but my mind doesnt let me go. I dont know what to do now, i know its a matter of picking again and (6)

(7) and start working but when i try to ask myself, i found a blank space. Its the worst ive been in years because even if i think of starting a new major, i got such a negative conception of college as an institution and experience, all the sadness ive been feeling, imprinted a lot of negative feelings to it; that now even going back just triggers my anxiety and depression. I really dont know what should i do, or if anything would even worth it. i think im not completely helpless since (7)

(8) im still willing to try, but my depression and self judgement peeps and i cant seem to get out of it. Now i dont even know what i like or enjoy, what im actually willing to do, or what is the right thing to do or even if i should finish this major in the mean time. There was a point where i wanted to stop trying. and even now, even if im willing to try i dont know towards what i should run. I wnat to think im doing better that the past days, at least i stopped crying all and judging and (8)

(9) blaming myself, but my appetite is still gone, and the things i used to enjoy just feel like a burden to me atm, listening to music, reading; i dont feel interest on doing it anymore, i stil get distracted and cant seem to concentrate. i dont know what to do, how does one fall back again on the track of life?. I dont wat to get stucked but im stucked right now. I want to try and think but my mind is messed up and blank, if the things, the small ones i ised to enjoy i cant seem to be able (9

(10) to even do them anymore, how am i supposed to find a purpose, a gold. something i like and am willing to invest my time on. I feel confused and sad. and i really dont know where to start. it was so sad when i found myself surrounded by people who seem to know what they wanted, or why they were doing that major, how it made them feel acomplished, i realized something was really wrong because wasnt even one bit excited. and it made me think, and blame myself to no end (10)

(11) im afraid of choosing again,messing up,being that wrong. But for more that i want to move on my mind wont let me,and i dont know anymore.[ ] Im really sorry for doing this, and by no means i want to give my problems to someone else, i dont intent to load anything on anyone i just needed to talk to somebody,we dont know eachother but i dont feel like you are a complete stranger to me since ive been following your blog and i read about what you share,talk and write,for quite sometime now(11)

(12) im truly truly sorry,

okay firstly, never say sorry for feelings and for wanting to express them. you’re always allowed to feel.

i don’t know why you picked me to share this with but i’m honoured.

i’m not the best at advice, i think i’ve made too many mistakes in life to really know anything about what’s going on. but i do know one thing, the major you choose, any choice you make, that doesn’t have to be the be all and end all of things. there’s always another road, a way to make a u-turn, and a way to rectify things.

there’s nothing wrong with not knowing where to go next or what to do or even why you chose the major you did. it’s a little unfair of the world to expect young people to know what they’re doing when sometimes even people who have lived far longer lifetimes seem to just be faking it, isn’t it?

when i graduated college, it was with a science degree, because back then, i liked science and i was good at it. unfortunately, by about a year before graduation, i already knew i never wanted to go near a science lab or a science book ever again. by then, it was too late to change. so, i made a different choice when looking for a job, and in a roundabout way, i’m now in mass communications; a writing job. exactly what college-me didn’t know i wanted.

it’s okay to be stuck and not know what to do, no one ever knows, that’s the beauty of life, we’re all making it up as we go along.

take a first step, just…maybe see what’s out there, what you can do, what you want to do. look for what they’re looking for, if maybe it’s general enough that you fulfil the criteria. i don’t know what major you have right now, but i think many jobs don’t necessarily need a very specific degree, they just need a certain level of education. then you gotta take the leap, and try.

easier said than done, i know. but i believe you can.

no one ever makes perfect choices, that’s why there’s chances in every stage of life to make a u-turn. if you’re wrong, it’s okay, what matters is you try to fix it. and i think you have a heart to do that, even if it’s a little bit harder right now.

and that’s my attempt at advice ahhh. i hope it helped a bit but please disregard everyTHING if it didn’t. i hope it gets easier as time goes by, and i hope you find a road and opportunities that will help. (msg me offanon if you want tho)

#ask #oh man i'm so sorry if i fucked this up #but oh don't give up on yourself never give up on yourself ;;;

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