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curly-q-reviews · 5 years

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VALENTINES DAY SPECIAL

Below Her Mouth, 2016 (dir. April Mullen)

WARNING SPOILERS AND LOTS OF SEX TALK AHEAD TREAD WITH CAUTION

HEY Y’ALL we interrupt the regular programming for a special feature!! i always like to do a lil valentines day special viewing for the sake of being festive and for once ive actually gotten some dating action in my life so i was in the mood to watch some sweet romance and then review it for ur reading pleasure (emphasis on the PLEASURE ehugeguehgehgeugeghe) (assassinate me now i deserve it)

to preface this, i am VERY gay. well uuhhh bi but a very GAY bi u know?? basically i curse my attraction to men every waking moment of my life. ive known about this since my last few years of college and am out to basically everyone whos important, and a lot of my friends are lgbtq+ so u know its official and everything. i dont really claim to be a Gay Expert cause i actually am still lacking a lot of uuhhh physical experience if u catch my drift HOWEVER like a true scholar i have done my fair share of research. which mainly includes watching really shitty lesbian movies and mocking them (and every so often watching a rare Good Lesbian Movie and crying A LOT).

if u are of sapphic inclination as well then u probably already know the kind of reputation lesbian romance movies have overall, the prime examples of which would be movies like Room in Rome and Loving Annabelle. these movies all seem to have one thing in common, and its that the directors and writers have no goddamn clue about how to write a convincing and authentic lesbian romance. u also always get the sense that the male gaze is the one being prioritized cause theres always PLENTY of gratuitous sex and the romance part itself is uuhhhh never really developed well or thoroughly enough at all. these movies are usually about a straight girl who discovers her affinity for the feminine when she meets a total stranger and suddenly cant stop thinking about how much she wants to bang her. and then in-between all the banging they somehow find the time to fall madly in love with each other but the straight girl just CANT cause shes STRAIGHT or she has a FIANCE or her PARENTS wouldnt approve or whatever the fuck the conflict of the day is and either it ends with them never seeing each other again or with the straight girl coming to terms with her not-straightness and ***follow her heart*** or whatever

really the only lesbian movies i can recall actually enjoying would be Pariah (PLEASE check this movie out its so heart-wrenching and beautiful and its like a majority-black cast!!!) and Blue Is the Warmest Color (this one i loved at first but the more i reflect on it the more problems i find with it, ESPECIALLY with how much sex is in it). and then The L Word is a stellar tv series up until like the last few seasons which are trash but otherwise it was a great watch for me, especially while i was still figuring things out. i feel like there are more that ive seen that were pretty good but i cant think of them at the moment WHOOPS LOL

so with Below Her Mouth i was apprehensive but hopeful going in, although i had heard rumors that it was Real Bad. and u know i shouldve listened to those rumors and not bothered with this movie cause WOW its bad!!! script is TRASH, acting is TRASH WITH FEBREEZE SPRAYED ON IT, and it looks like an artsy pretentious film student shot it. natalie krill had maybe one good acting moment in the whole 90-minute run time and erika linder is really really hot and those are the only two good things i can think to say about this

fuck ok uuhhh i guess ill talk about the main characters cause OH WOW theyre basically two walking talking cliches. jasmine (yes her name is jasmine that totally doesnt sound like the name of a character in a porn at all) is our Token Straight Girl who has a fiance and is a fashion editor. she first sees our other romantic lead while working on the roof of a house next door to hers. shes ur typical Lesbian Romance Movie Butch, too cool for school and unable to commit to anyone ever and is kind of an asshole but somehow this is supposed to endear u to her. oh and guess what her name is. just guess. ill give u a few minutes.

DALLAS ITS FUCKING DALLAS HOOWEE WHAT A SHOCKER

the first thing we see of dallas, and this is also the first fuckin shot of the movie, is her uuhhh scissoring her girlfriend??? humping her????? i really dont know what shes trying to accomplish but shes clearly not having any fun while doing it and her girlfriends like “i love u” and shes like “im moving out bye” and thats it

real compelling i know

so jasmine and her bff manage to stumble upon the lesbian bar in town (which dallas calls a girl party??? why??????) where dallas meets her and proceeds to be completely and utterly creepy in ways ive only ever seen men be which is the first indicator that the person who made this movie, april mullen, is maybe not gay at all (or maybe she is and just has horrible taste?? idk man). but somehow the creepiness is a real turn on for ol’ jazzy and they start making out IMMEDIATELY but then jasmines like “i have a fiance gotta go!!!!” and yeets herself out of the situation

but of course this is a lesbian romance so u know they meet up again and proceed to have like half an hours worth of steamy gratuitous porn-style sex. there was a lot of strap-on action involved and a lot of bizarre scissoring that i dont even think i can call scissoring cause it was more like they were just weirdly bumping their vagoos against each other and somehow that was getting them both off. like sometimes the sex scenes in this movie bordered on tommy wiseau levels of weird.

oh and of course the fiance finds out about this secret love affair but WOW do they really do this in the most dramatic and unintentionally hilarious way possible. he literally comes home early from his business trip and walks in on dallas going to town on jasmine with a strap on in the bath tub, like theyre ferociously going at it. i swear to god i felt like i was watching a comedy at times with this movie

piggybacking off of that, jesus christ this script is bad. ooooohhhh its so bad. dallas is given the cringiest tough guy lines, like shes drinking beers with a friend and the friend is like “oh man i gotta catch up to u” and, hilariously, dallas is like “you cant catch up cause nO oNe WiLl EvEr CaTcH mE” and i almost choked on my own saliva. oh god wait heres another zinger, so when she first meets jasmine shes like “do u come to girl parties often (again why the everloving FUCK is she calling it a girl party????)” and jasmines like “i don’t come at all” and the next thing to come out of dallas’s suave sexy mouth is “TeRriBLe NeWs CaN i ChAnGe ThAt FoR yOu” OH my GOD

and good god shes so creepy. like some of the shit she pulls is borderline sexual assault. her and jasmine are just at a bar chillin and dallas reaches down and im like “oh ok shes gonna like put her hand on her knee classic move” but NOPE OH NO she just makes a beeline STRAIGHT for jasmines crotch IN THE MIDDLE OF A BAR!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at one point after another round of passionate lovemaking dallas brings jasmine back to her house and theyre in dallas’s truck and they just?? slap each other??? for no reason????? except for True Love i guess????????????

jesus. just. this was an experience. i would say dont bother watching it but i did at least have fun making fun of it so if thats ur sort of thing knock ur socks off, its on netflix. but wow this basically fits the stereotype of a lesbian romance movie PERFECTLY, and when u really break it down its just a fancy porn. i wouldnt even say its a porn geared towards actual wlw cause theres so many elements about the sex scenes that reminded me of the kind of lesbian porn thats made for straight men to jack off to. 0/10 BAD BYE

well shit ok i hope u all had a great valentines day!! im gonna go start a roofing business in the hopes that i end up working on a roof of a house thats right next to a really hot straight girl with a fiance so i can try to finger-bang her in the middle of an occupied bar wish me luck!!!!!

#curly q reviews #valentines day special #valentines day #lgbtq #lesbian #romance #films #below her mouth #netflix

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