#i might have cured my “i'm not improving” spiral | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebibliosphere · 3 years

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Feel very free to ignore this but yea . I'm starting to think I may have been underestimating how generally ill I am and that I may have something medically significant going on and it would be an understatement to say that its freaking me out a little bit. I grew up with my mom being chronically ill so I got it drilled into me that I basically had to grin and bear shit bc at least it wasnt as bad as hers. Any tips on dealing with this mindfuck lmao

Solidarity, friend. I grew up with a visibly disabled sibling, and it's still a mental slog sometimes to get past the whole "but at least you're not as bad as X" I get from some people just because I'm not as visibly affected.

It took me years to stop internalizing that too. I still struggle with it, sometimes.

Therapy helps a lot. I go to grief counseling. It helps with both acceptance and also managing rapid cycling emotions. This is often something we experience when we first realize Something Is Wrong and we could have been having help this whole time and entirely normal. I also find mindfulness (yes, really) and radical acceptance to be helpful.

Going to put this under a cut because it's long :)

Some people mistake radical acceptance to mean "guess I'll just give up then" when what it actually means is to stop fighting things you cannot change, accept them as reality and focus your energy elsewhere.

For me, that meant giving up on the idea that I'd ever be a healthy, able-bodied person. For the longest time, I was sure if I got the right diagnosis and treatment, I'd eventually be healthy and my suffering would stop. It was my motivation to keep pushing through the medical abuse and gaslighting and, honestly, all that kept me alive sometimes. I needed to name the beast so I could kill it and claim my life back. And then I got diagnosed with two genetic disorders that can't be cured, lol.

Not gonna lie, struggled for a bit with that: both with the idea that I'd been allowed to suffer for decades through medical negligence, and also that now, even knowing the name of what was wrong, I was stuck with it forever. It could be managed, but it couldn't be cured. And that's where radical acceptance can help. Which for me looks like:

"I have (at least) two genetic disorders that cause lifelong problems that cannot be cured. There is literally nothing I can do to change this. This is a fact I cannot fight. But, with treatment and self-care, they can be managed and my quality of life can be improved, which is incredibly important! So that is where I will focus my energy. On improving my quality of life for the person I am, not the person I could have been."

It sounds simple, but internalizing it is another matter.

As for mindfulness, whenever I catch myself in a negative thought spiral of "I should do more because I am not X enough", I force myself to pause and ask: If this were happening to a friend, would I urge them to rest, or would I tell them to keep going even though it's harming them? No? Okay, so why am I not offering myself the same care and compassion?

This can apply to many aspects of life, but mostly I use it to herd myself into being kinder to myself because, goodness knows, someone needs to be kind to this body and it might as well be me.

This is like... not even remotely enough to help with everything you will be experiencing. But I hope it's a helpful start in pointing you in the right direction. Good luck and take care!

#chronic health tag #long post #mindfulness #radical acceptance #disability tag

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missmentelle · 4 years

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Hello. Would you know of ways to deal with extreme rejection-sensitivity. It's gotten to a point where my emotions automatically numb out if I'm ANTICIPATING rejection. I've already undergone CBT but the tips I learned there have done nothing to ease my anxiety. I already know my fears are irrational, but I still disconnect from my emotions, and even disconnected, they're still overwhelming. They're bad enough to trigger suicidal ideation. Is my only option really just riding out the anxiety?

If your anxiety is severe enough that it’s causing suicidal ideation and therapy hasn’t helped, I think it might be time to talk to your doctor about exploring some medication options.

For many people, medication is a key component of managing anxiety. It isn’t a cure-all, but medication can often take the edge off and give you the boost you need for other anxiety management techniques to be effective. Generally speaking, medication and therapy work best when you do them at the same time: the medication helps you function well enough to put your therapy techniques into practice, and the therapy gives you the tools you need to stay on top of taking your medication regularly. There are several different types of medication that can be used to treat anxiety - it may take some time and experimentation to find one that works best for you. If you are in a state or country where it’s legal and you feel more comfortable with natural treatment options, you could also try using medicinal marijuana or cannabis to ease your anxiety. Talk to your family doctor about your options, or make an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about a treatment plan.

I know you said that you have already been through a course of CBT therapy, but if you are still experiencing severe anxiety, it might be worth giving therapy another try - having a more skilled therapist or psychologist, a different style of therapy or simply a mental health professional you feel more connected to might make this more effective for you. It can take several attempts to find a therapist you feel really connected to - the fact that the first one didn’t work out is discouraging, but it doesn’t mean that therapy won’t work on you. You might need to find a therapist who excels at helping you apply the tips and tools they’re teaching you; CBT techniques generally require a lot of practice in the real world before they really start to be effective, and you might benefit from a therapist who is very skilled at helping you actually put these techniques into action.

There are a few other management techniques that you can use in conjunction with medication and therapy - these techniques aren’t enough to manage your anxiety on its own, but they can work alongside professional treatment. One big thing that appears to work well for anxiety is art therapy, or even just using art as a form of expression. Look for activities that occupy your mind and don’t leave room for unhealthy thought spirals to take hold - this could mean playing music, learning a new language, writing stories, making things with your hands, etc. Anything you find helpful. Some people find guided meditation helpful for anxiety - you can check out free videos for this on YouTube and see if you find it useful or not. Take care of your physical health as best you can - if you are currently self-neglecting due to your anxiety, try to find ways to get the basics of food, sleep, water and a little bit of daily exercise. Again, this is not a cure-all, but it can make therapy and medication more effective, and improve your overall health and quality of life. Take baby steps. If you are currently not eating enough due to your anxiety, having a few spoonfuls of peanut butter directly out of the jar is better than not eating at all. If you are going days without going outside, walking to go check the mail or even just sitting outside on your porch is better than nothing at all. Self-care is a journey, and it’s important to start identifying and taking those first steps. Best of luck to you! MM

#Anonymous

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mtvswatches · 5 years

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Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x10 I Can Work With You

Stray thoughts

1) It’s amazing but the show actually accomplished it – I dig the new theme song. I’m actually singing along.

2) I repeat: Other Rebecca needs help.

3) Okay…

REBECCA: You're weird around her. It's like you can barely even look at her, because she reminds you of a very traumatic time in your life where you made some rash decisions and contributed to the existence of another person and maybe didn't fully think it through.

Even though this is incredibly introspective and it makes sense, it wasn’t the explanation I was expecting to get from Rebecca. Accepting to be Daryl’s baby’s surrogate mother was a rash decision, yes. And even though it rubbed me the wrong way how she showed no interest in the baby, it made sense, it was consistent with her behavior. She made the decision to carry the baby without giving it much thought. Likewise, she wasn’t giving the baby much thought.

I actually chalked it up to Rebecca being a self-centered dick. She might be making improvements as regards her mental health and introspection, but she’s still utterly self-centered and a dick.

4) I loved the Jersey Shore reference!

REBECCA: Snooki has a baby. She has two babies.

DARRYL: And look at what a great job she's doing with Lorenzo and Giovanna.

Yes, I love Jersey Shore. Occasionally, I love crap.

5) Shouldn’t Greg and his dad be attending different help groups? It kind of defeats the whole “anonymous” purpose…

But I like how we got to see Greg’s sponsor again and see how seriously Greg takes his advice.

6) I keep relating to Paula so much…

PAULA: Second, that is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday With you and some room-temp California rolls. It was perfect. No one stared at me and no one sang "Happy Birthday," so it was a big win.

I loathe celebrating my birthday.

7) It’s kind of a shocker that Mrs H sucks at charades, isn’t it?

8) Me, everytime Josh speaks:

9) Also, me:

Replace “Beverly Hills” with any TV show I binge-watch.

10) I relate to Rebecca so much because I’m so not a baby person either. I had a very similar experience the first time babysitting one of my best friend’s babies. I just don’t know what to do with babies. They are so fragile and unpredictable, an enigma. Toddlers and kids, that’s a whole other thing. Once I can actually communicate with them, they love me.

11) Oh, the game night is Paula’s graduation party! I can understand her not wanting to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t celebrate my graduation either! But I agree with Paula’s husband, though. Rebecca would’ve totally gone to the game night if she had known it was Paula’s graduation party.

12) The game sounds boring af, though. I think they wasted a great opportunity to come up with a nonsensical game that only the characters in the show understand and whose rules are super vague for the audience, a la “True American” from New Girl.

13) I really love it when Nathaniel violently claims he’s nice.

14) Valencia is going to mop the floor with Hector, isn’t she? Will learn why she is so mean to him, though?

15) I laughed so hard at this…

JOSH: Um, what happened to Marvin Gaye?

PAULA: Oh, his dad murdered him. Anyway…

JOSH: As an adult?

NATHANIEL: No, Josh, as a baby. Marvin Gaye was murdered as a baby. All the music that he made that you love, he made as a baby.

JOSH: Whoa.

16) “You left West Covina just to get away from me.” Again, this is a bit self-centered. Yes, Rebecca definitely played a huge part in Greg deciding to leave West Covina, but he also did it for very personal reasons related to his own desires, ambitions and mental health. What’s more, I just don’t understand how Rebecca doesn’t realize that in spite of all the crazy shit she’s done, her coming to West Covina put in motion a chain of events that affected everyone’s lives in a positive way. All of the characters are at a better place than they were before Rebecca arrived in town, Greg included! So yeah, she might be a whirlwind who usually fucks things up, but she’s served as the catalyst for everyone’s self-improvement as well.

17) Ummmmmmmm

In the words of Joshua Felix Chan…

I did not see that coming. I was expecting the writers to rekindle this relationship, but I didn’t see them getting involved so soon after meeting again? Like, there’s so much stuff they still have to work through, plus they have to get reacquainted with one another? Both of them have changed so much! Are they into the actual person in front of them or are they holding onto the idea of the person they used to be who made them feel a certain way?

Let’s just hope this is going in an interesting direction… (but I don’t know if “Settle for Me” playing in the background right before they kissed is a good omen…)

18) I really enjoyed this number…

youtube

And I really loved how their parents were playing the instruments and looked bitterly disappointed once they finished hahaha!

19) GOOD. GOOD!

Yeah, something feels weird. So, listen. You know me I'm usually the first person to impulsively throw myself into any really romantic moment, but I think I got to just take a beat and deal with the fact that right before you so sweetly kissed me, I was in the middle of a shame spiral. Which isn't just a me thing. That's a thing that happens with my disorder, BPD. Um, and basically, it's what you saw. I can spiral out about things, in this case oh, my fear that everyone hates me and that I'm a contagious plague in the form of a woman, even though intellectually I know that I'm not.

I really like what they’ve been doing this season with Rebecca’s disorder and the way she handles it. The fact that she got a diagnosis and she’s being treated doesn’t mean that she’s magically cured, so she’s bound to make some mistakes again and to act out because of her disorder. The difference now is that she understands where those impulses and crises come from and she’s better equipped to deal with them properly instead of continuing spiraling.

20) Oh, they’re still going at it…

And this shot reminds me of “Oh My God I think I Like You.”

21) Let me just say that I’m so fucking happy that Paula finally got her dream that made her feel like she deserves a dream, okay?

22) Ha!

No one here is a mind reader, except maybe Valencia. She's into that occult stuff.

Jokes aside, he makes a great point. You can’t fault people for not acting the way you expect them to if you haven’t communicated it properly, you know?

23) I actually enjoyed their bonding? Yes, I am surprised.

24) I liked how Hector and Valencia were able to bury the hatchet, but honestly, I was hoping for Valencia’s reason to bully Hector to be a bit juicier than “I hate you because everyone likes you.”

25) Girl really has no boundaries, she just had sex on Darryl’s carpet while babysitting his daughter…

26) Oh damn, they cut that Greg and Rebecca song too short! I was super digging it!

27) Oh, Nathaniel, you’re a softie…

28) I stand corrected. NO ONE HAS ANY BOUNDARIES IN THIS FUCKING SHOW.

29) Oh, lord, they did a “Hello, nice to meet you” reprise with the baby and I DIED! It’s the sweetest thing ever!!!

Hello, nice to meet you, we share chromosomes

Hello, nice to meet you, you're kind of… me

So, since you're both the future and kind of a mirror

I'll tell you right now that life doesn't get clearer

All I can say is have fun in the gray

Well, anyway

It's nice to meet you.

Not gonna lie, I teared up a little…

30) What a wholesome moment…

31) Poor Nathaniel…

32) Oh, wow, for a second there, I was afraid Rebecca was going to say “Greg makes me feel like glitter was exploding inside of me”…

It feels different, Paula. It's different this time. Greg makes me feel like I'm… like I'm okay because he's so much more okay now, you know? And like maybe we could be the best versions of ourselves if we're together.

33) Oh, Nathaniel 💔💔💔

34) I think Rebecca might have jinxed it by saying that she enjoys the Beverly Hills drama... some drama is headed to West Covina...

35) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Crazy Ex Girlfriend #CEG #Rebecca Bunch #Greg Serrano #Rachel Bloom #CEG recap #CEG 4x10 #mine #MTVSwatches

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chronicallypainful · 7 years

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What's your story? Sorry if this is too intrusive I saw you say something about curling into a ball and crying about how you have no future and then getting better?? And I'm in the same position right now so I guess I'm looking for hope

My story. I'm not sure my life (or human lives in general) fits into a neat story structure. The story of how I got the diagnosis is long and complicated, with plenty of dead ends along the way. The story of how I learned to cope is even longer. But let me try to give a summary.

I first had persistent pain as a junior in high school. I was attending a boarding school, which emphasized an academically rigorous curriculum. It was a supportive environment, where I felt strong ties to both my peers and my instructors, but the pain was still terrifying.

It started in my wrists, and I firmly believe that I had and overuse injury, probably carpal tunnel or similar. I read everything I could about those sorts of injuries, while also applying my perfectionism to ergonomics.

As the pain didn't go away and started to migrate into my elbows, I found myself in a place of conflict. On one hand, everything I was reading about overuse injuries told me to stop. Stop typing. Stop using the computer. Don't aggravate the condition. On the other hand, I was a student, and a perfectionistic one at that. I felt that I had to use the computer. I had school work to do.

In this time period, I did start investigating assistive technologies. I started using Dragon NaturallySpeaking for as much computer work as I could. (Dragon NaturallySpeaking is software that allows me to talk to my computer to write text and, to a limited degree, navigate the user interface.) However, the software did not work for mathematics and computer science. In those subjects, I was stuck with a keyboard.

I also investigated mouse alternatives and ergonomic keyboards. I tried several, including trackballs, large touchpads, and split keyboards. Some of them resulted in a slight reduction in pain, but they all still hurt.

I was willing to cause myself pain and, I thought, possibly physical harm in the name of academic work, but I could not justify that risk when it came to my hobbies. I completely stopped playing to musical instruments, playing video games, doing hobbyist computer programming, and knitting.

While all of this is going on, I am doing my best to consult medical professionals. The nurse practitioner who was my primary care physician at the time dismissed my concerns, saying I had tendinitis and telling me to take ibuprofen and ice the area daily. A few months later, I saw an orthopedist who, after ruling out any structural problems, sent me to physical therapy. In physical therapy, I did build strength, but it did not reduce my pain.

This general pattern continued for at least two years. I struggled through school, always managing to excel academically, but also always fearing that I was hurting myself with my computer use. I continued to use speech to text software to write papers where I could, but that software continued to be useless in mathematics and computer science. The pain continued to spread, affecting more and more of my body over time. I saw several more doctors, who continued to be useless.

When I went to college, I majored in mathematics. I thought about computer science, but my inability to type made that an unattainable goal. Nonetheless, I do love mathematics, and I do not regret that choice.

One other thing changed when I went to college; I registered with disability services. Overall, that office was not particularly helpful to me. But, I did now have documentation that I could take to my professors and explain that I could not write or type (much). Unlike in high school, I took the approach that I wasn't going to cause myself unnecessary pain by doing significant fine motor activities. The math department worked with me very well, and I took many oral exams and even submitted a fair bit of oral homework while an undergraduate student.

However, by my sophomore year, it was becoming clear just how much this condition was a disability when it came to my imagined future in mathematics. I could not write down my own mathematical ideas. I couldn't work out a critical computation on a chalkboard, and I also couldn't write a mathematics paper. It felt to me like all of my mathematical ideas were necessarily filtered through someone else. And that felt very confining. The best analogy I can give is that of a painter forced to "paint" only by telling an assistant what to do. She is never allowed to touch the paintbrush herself; only to give descriptions to the assistant.

There were a number of reasons why I now see that my thinking at that time was wrong, but, at that time, I felt hopeless. I have a very clear memory of myself sitting/lying on the rug in my dorm room and crying. I was in constant physical pain. I couldn't see how I had a future in mathematics, but I also couldn't see any other future for myself. I felt worthless, hopeless, and extremely angry. I rolled around on that rug, sobbing uncontrollably while also fighting the urge to punch things, to break things.

That was the point where I realized I needed help. Once I had calmed down from my hour or so of crying, the depth of my anger was a wake-up call for me. I called the counseling center at my college and set up an appointment.

And, slowly, pieces started to fall into place. I participated in group therapy, focused on cognitive behavioral therapy skill building. I learned to separate out thoughts, emotions, and actions. I learned to identify some of the thought patterns that had previously trapped me. I listened to my peers talk about their challenges, and I shared my own. I gave voice to my fears, and I no longer felt like I was facing the world alone. In short, I learned to cope.

About a year later, I finally got a diagnosis. (I'm omitting the long string of doctors and other medical professionals that led to that diagnosis. There is a list in one of my recent posts.) Central sensitization syndrome. Very similar to fibromyalgia or chronic myofascial pain syndrome. There is no cure, and there are very few effective treatments. But it did establish, once and for all, that this disease is not my fault. I didn't do this to myself by abusing my body at the keyboard; this disease is neurochemical.

About a year after my diagnosis, I found the tumblr spoonie community and started writing about my experiences. This community has meant a lot to me. It has helped me learn how to communicate, and reminded me that I'm not alone in this often confusing experience.

Over the next couple of years, I had a few more small victories. I found a good physical therapist, who I worked with for a little over a year, and we did manage to improve my pain somewhat. I finally made some progress on assistive technology for writing mathematics, and, for the first time in years, I was able to write part of my own paper. I graduated, with honors, from my college with a bachelors of science degree in mathematics. I was accepted into a well-respected graduate program, and I was granted financial support to study there.

My first semester graduate school tossed me some extra challenges in the form of extreme fatigue and sleepiness. I was falling asleep in lecture after lecture during my first semester. In February, I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea and began treatment with CPAP. Over the past approximately one year, I have worked with my sleep doctor to control the residual sleepiness that remained even with CPAP. It's not perfect, but I am doing much better.

More recently, I passed a major set of exams for my graduate program, and I'm starting to identify potential research topics/advisors as I move forward in my program.

It's late, and I need to go to bed. I hope what I've written is at least semi-coherent. In addition to being tired, I wrote it with speech to text software, and I haven't proofread thoroughly.

I hope this is helpful. As I reflect on my experiences, what I see is the story of how I learned to live with illness and disability, how I adapted, and how I grew. It's not easy, and it took years. And I still have to work at some of it today. I still have to remind myself that it's okay to be disabled, to reassure myself that it's okay to ask for help, and to drag my brain out of catastrophizeing thought spirals. I still have bad days, both mentally and physically, and there are still days when I want nothing more than to take a deep breath and scream at the top of my lungs. But I am grateful. I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for this opportunity to live, to experience so many wonderful things, and to hopefully have a net positive impact on the lives of the people around me. And I'm hopeful about the future. Not so much about the idea that I might one day be cured (though that would be great!), but about all of the awesome things that I am going to do as a disabled person. I'm excited for the art I will make, the math I will do, the assistive technology that I will invent, the lives I will touch with kindness and compassion. I live with constant physical pain, but I have made it to a place where I am still so amazingly grateful to be alive.

As far as I can tell, that’s reason to hope. I wish you the best.

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