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angstics · 1 year

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a long introspective post because i know with time i will forget this and i want to remember it all.

night of june 30th, technoblade's death was announced. i didnt believe it for a few minutes because i couldnt watch the video (i still havent). but it was true -- he passed away age 23 from cancer he discovered *less than a year* before his death. i keep quiet about how much i liked minecraft youtubers 2020 - 2021 because that turned out to be a DISASTER. but technoblade was one of the shining beacons. genuinely always the best, completely outside of post-death rose-tinted glasses. always.

before that, i was kind of getting into my chemical romance. id known of them my whole life. from dan and phil references to annoying ass g-note jokes to the twenty one pilot's cancer cover. i heard the Big Three hits but couldnt tell you what they were (except for "welcome") before listening to three cheers for the first time at the end of june. i dont know why i decided to start them. i wasnt really into music -- my top albums the last couple years included burnham's inside, starkid's twisted, and falsettos (2016). i wish i remembered better. if listening to them for the first time isnt a core memory, this is:

after 6 months of relative stability, i understandably hit a depressive episode in july. i would lie on my couch into the early morning for no reason. i wasnt trying to distract myself from his death ... there were no thoughts to be distracted from. it isnt a headspace i understand, especially since i never left it.

but for another unknown reason i thought to watch those mcr live shows. mind, at this point id only listened to three cheers. no exaggeration, i was betwitched by their performance. i most vibrantly remember gerard's eyes. crazy fucking eyes.

i'd forgotten cancer was an mcr song. when top released their cover, i listened to the original. i decided i liked twenty one pilots' more. i switched on that when i saw my chem on snl (i didnt watch BPID all the way through til a week later). it's the stripped down song, it's the direct lyrics, it's the crazy eyes. like he's trying to communicate EVERYTHING through his eyes.

the intro to BPID was like that too. when he ripped the hospital dress off and did the ghoul scream. had that feeling when i saw frank perform vampire money in glasgow. just. completely uninhibited. performace to say something truthful. unlike anything ive ever seen. from someone who wasnt very into music or live performance or theatre, much less the mechanics of it, i suddenly understood it all.

that screenshot is an abridged version of my actual search history. this is how it went.

june 26 i watched ->

side bar, thinking about it now, my interest in pink floyd directly lead to my interest in mcr. early morning july 1st, this is what i was watching (alan parsons project great reccomendation from my friend bink bonk):

july 2 i was watching videos a friend of techno's publicized to commerate him. the mcr video was in the reccomended tag -- a combo of the live pink floyd video and the im not okay mv. crazy how influenced my life is by where youtube leads me.

then i saw a LITTLE bit of BPID before seeing my chem in 2022 for the first time. this was just weeks after bonn. i didnt watch the full eden either. but i did watch all of "welcome" at milton keynes, based on the time stamps

this whole fucking day spent watching mcr videos. reading 2011, zack sang clip frank iero explains reading 2011 drama, mcr iceberg explained, "mcr best perfomance", "mcr best moments", mcr on letterman, mcr snl, "understanding the black parade" (i had not listened to black parade) -- then i left at 4pm. probably to sleep.

july 2nd was The day. i remember while watching these videos a realization hugging me. i knew that i was struck. from july until november, the majority of my conversations had something to do with my chem.

at the very beginning, i texted people about them to gage modern attitudes. growing up, they were adjacent to bands i thought sold out or lost their spark -- panic!, twenty one pilot, fall out boy. as ive said a million times, there is a Reason i didnt get into my chem earlier. just the other day on a SPECIFICALLY EMO SUBREDDIT there were people talking about how they "weren't ashamed to like mcr". where does this shame come from!!!!!! too mainstream for punk, too punk for mainstream. everyone knows this.

well anyway, july 2nd was just the first layer: the performance. july 11 (/early july 12) was another big day. the second layer: gender and sexuality. literally my tags on the first mcr post i reblogged ->

then i saw the great collection by flockofdoves and. well.

same day i found out about "i wanna be your joey ramone" and sleater-kinney, though i wouldnt listen to the song for a short while. that's layer 4: branching out to other music.

layer 3 was music appreciation. i listened to each of their albums in full sequentionally (KIND OF since i relistened to bullets 3 times were i only listened to the others in full 2 times max), purposuefully holding off for weeks between each album. i remember the first time i sat down to listen to black parade. i was buzzing at like 12:30 am because id decided that was the night. the end -> dead rocked my whole world. never got the instinct to bang your head around til those songs. the whole album was fucking amazing but something aboout famous last words got to me. id be sitting in the car with my sister and singing the bridge over and over. the perfect string of words -- with words i thought id never speak: awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.

i used to hate live performances because the music sounded worse than the studio version while giving me nothing performance-wise. id never wanted to go to a concert in my life. but not only did they sound GOOD live, it was a whole different experience. an adaptation that added to the experience in ways entirely different to what is lost. like i said, crazy eyes. and smiles like flowers and the audience louder than the amps and movement led by sound and memory. like. like nothing else. you cant understand this unless youre in love -- completely dedicated to it.

sometime in august i discovered they were coming to my town the next month. the first concert i ever wanted to go to. my parents were a nightmare about it the whole month until i got the permission to go. ive said also said this a million times: it was like rapture.

i dont understand why you would want to do anything that doesnt work towards that same feeling. my parents didnt get that feeling and i couldnt go to another show. it's been months and it still drives me insane. it drives me fucking insane. it drives me insane.

so those are the core memories related to my chem that got me here. it's a lot of love. love so big i cant even hold. it's belief. something close to religious. it's a lot of fear too -- fear the feeling will go away, that i'll "wake up", fear that they'll be taken. one reason i dont like music is the feelings i attach to it are so profound that i cant listen to it without feeling what i felt in the past. it's why i limit how much i listen to my chem. that's another fear -- though i attach positive feelings to the band, im engaging in it while depressed. more than engaging, obsessing. i cant focus on much else.

i hope as i get better mentally, this doesnt leave me. i got into it to cope. it showed me another dimension of art and life and emotion. it's a hard thing to navigate. i want the good, healthy parts of this to be my life. i hope i can figure that out. i hope it works out.

july 26 2020, i looked this up:

i have no memory of this at all.

the night before, i was on a technoblade binge that ended with me watching one of his seminal videos that i remember beat for beat.

i love technoblade forever. i cant watch his videos right now, but i hope i can someday. i love my chem forever. i hope-

#q.txt #2022 #mcr personal history

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thevortexofourminds · 6 years

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I was tagged by @jasonlowder to list:

9 albums that I love

The problem: Genesis has 15 studio albums. (9 of them written and published between 1969 and 1978, 2 of them between 1991 and 1997, and 4 of them between 1980 and 1986... and while I indeed love all of them, my heart beats for the first 9 - just to give an old man an overview *cough* *cough* Fern @qbn-scholar *cough* *cough*), so... I’ll not include any of these on this list.

And here are my Genesis-less picks (in no particular order and with links to YouTube):

“Visions”

- the second studio album by progressive metal band Haken. It is a concept album, telling the story of "a young boy who sees his own death in his dreams and believes it's going to happen and spends the rest of his life trying to avoid it”. A rollercoaster of a musical journey. Brilliant from the beginning to its end.

“Fear of a blank planet”

- the ninth studio album by progressive rock band Porcupine Tree. This album is just plain amazing. There is no need to talk about the musical quality, I think. The lyrics deal with two typical neurobehavioural developmental disorders affecting teenagers in the 21st century: bioplar disorder and attention deficit disorder.

“Black Rider”

- started my love for Tom Waits. This album features studio versions of songs Waits wrote for the play The Black Rider, directed by Robert Wilson and co-written by William S. Burroughs. A dark, morbid kind of story based on the German folktale/opera “Der Freischütz” by Carl Maria von Weber about magic bullets cast by the devil himself. You knooow... the usual

“Electro-shock blues”

- the second studio album by Eels. A pretty dark record. I fell in love with this album for almost the same reason why Mark Oliver Everett wrote it. ‘Nuff said.

“Pictures at an exhibition”

- the third album by “Emerson, Lake & Palmer”. And it’s live. I bought this album when I was about... idk... 15? 16? Something like that. And I had really little pocket money. So I was also REALLY picky about what CDs to buy. It was probably the first ever CD I bought without having a listen to it first. I knew the album “Black Moon” and I loved it. So I thought: “What can go wrong?” What went wrong was that I DETESTED this album. I was so disappointed that I literally was about to throw it out of the window. I didn’t. I listened to it again. Because I thought: “THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO THIS ALBUM”. I hated it even more. So I listened to it again. And again. And again. After about the fifth time I realized: “WOW! This is fucking amazing music”. It clicked.

"On every street”

- the last album by Dire Straits. My sister’s husband, who has in parts a pretty good taste in music (Hey! He told me about “Genesis” and “The Alan Parson’s Project”. I have to be eternally grateful for that, even though we don’t have anything in common other than that... Okay... we do have mutual family members... but that’s about it...) is just plain a great piece of music. Fullstop. Also: The first album by Dire Straits that I listened to. Something I never regretted.

“essential noize: the very best of”

- ... Motörhead. Because: Lemmy. That should be enough reason. I wouldn’t call this album really “the best” - and let’s be honest: Most “best of” compilations don’t include the best a bad has ever produced, but I like this one. *shrug*

“Sehnsucht”

- the second studio album by German industrial metal band Rammstein. I detested Rammstein when I heard them the first time. The lyrics shocked me. I saw some live-footage of shows and I was appalled. But then I looked and listened closer. And I realized something: Where is the difference between watching a crime movie or a Tarantino movie and this? Right: Movies often give a hint or even a very clear moral “solution” while with stuff like that I am rather shocked by my own darkness and by what _I_ thought the band wanted to say. While they don’t even give any clear interpretation.

“Pepper’s Ghost”

- by British neoprog battleship Arena. Do I think this is Arena’s best album? No. It certainly is one of their best albums. And it has some REAL gems on it. But what made it get on this list is the booklet. It is a freakin’ comic book that illustrates the lyrics. A superhero-mystical-fantasy journey with every band member being part of the comic. And the music is just pure bombast in the best possible meaning of the word.

And here I also have my playlist for the next days - ha! And it’s indeed totally Genesis-free. Who would have expected that? Jason also tagged me for a selfie. I will post an appropriate one next Sunday on @photosworthseeing . BECAUSE IT IS SELFIE SUNDAY

#tag thingy #music #me

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splitshortsyeah · 3 years

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Black Milk 'Album of the Year'

- Matt Duelka

Give the drummer some.

The first record I ever purchased was Black Milk’s ‘Album of the Year’. I cannot tell you the reason why I did so.

The first record I can remember dropping the needle on was Black Milk’s ‘Popular Demand’. Was it actually the first record I had ever played on a table, maybe not. But there’s at least a 34% chance Black Milk owns some solid (record) firsts in my life.

I gave the drummer some.

For anyone that knows me, I have some strong opinions. And I’m stubborn, QUITE stubborn, about them. Whether or not they are 100% right? Not important.

Exhibit A - I’m knee deep in a fiery conversation one random college weekend, and the topic of hip hop music – or more specifically hip hop production – is up for debate. Sure, It’s easy to talk about J Dilla, Preemo, and Pete Rock, but I’m not always about that easy life.

Him - “Top 5 dead or alive…who you got?”

Hard to just list a top 5 on the spot, especially with someone I just met (‘I don’t know you like that, man.”). But I was feeling feisty and figured I could have some fun with it to see we could get some real discussion going.

Me - “I’d put Black Milk in there.”

Him – “Who the fuck is Black Milk? Nah bro, get out of here.”

Well that conversation ended quickly. I wouldn’t mind some more supported reasoning to the immediate dissension, but I quickly realized the fun I wanted to have just wasn’t able to be had with this one.

Black Milk was a protégé of the late J Dilla. A Detroit native, Black Milk didn’t try and mimic the Dilla sound though. He wanted his own path – but wanted to also memorialize Dilla through his music. Black Milk’s main asset were the drums. Boombastic at times, funky at others, always appetizing.

But is Black Milk actually a Top 5, Dead or Alive? On some days, why not?

I don’t hand out awards, no one lets me have that kind of authority. Because I generally don’t represent a majority opinion. But do have some words that might help sway the ones that do.

The record before ‘AOTY’ was a 2008 jam called ‘Tronic’. This was the album that shined a spotlight over Black Milk for me. At a time when popular producers were going heavy on popular music, Black Milk went heavy on what he knew (born from the Slum Village family) but took it up a level. Or maybe ‘Up�� is the wrong word. Black Milk definitely has his influences, but he’s his own sound – I won’t say better but definitely unique. I can always pick out a Black Milk beat out of a lineup.

It probably has to do with the hours and hours and hours and hours of time listening to Black Milk back in 2008, or specifically one of the greatest rap songs ever made (EVER?). Come at me if you want, but “Losing Out” by Black Milk featuring Royce Da 5’ 9” is a track that few have been able to match. I knew it after the first listen. It’s a battle track between Black Milk and Royce (A very well thought out, well produced, and very scripted battle track) but a verse vs verse nonetheless. And nothing against Black Milk’s lyrical prowess (he’s a good rapper, not the best, and definitely a better producer if we were to compare skill sets) but stepping up to Royce was never going to go well. You can only do so much against a rapper who has one of the best deliveries in the game today.

The sample, though, on the track is where Black Milk really stands out. Let Royce take the mic and run, don’t worry about that, Black. The way he speeds up the sample and cuts in the drums…yum. “You da real MVP.” I find myself humming and singing along to the sample more than I recite any of the bars – so you can call that a victory, Black. It’s from a song called “Let’s Talk About Me” by The Alan Parsons project. If you listen to the original, the first thought you should is have is “What in the hell was Black Milk thinking when he found this and said – Yep, this is gonna make this track SLAP.” But did it ever.

Got 'em talking bout Who's that rap dude that master soul clap move When messing with the boom bap boom

Along with “Losing Out”, the album included “Bounce”, “The Matrix”, and “Try” – a finely tuned herd of lively tracks that I just never got sick of. Less than 2 years later, when word of this album makes it’s way through the stratosphere, I was hyped. Without any overhype from any other source (well, besides the name of the album, of course), I wanted this album to be GREAT.

I get it, press play, and quickly realize this isn’t an overly confident Black Milk declaring this is the greatest album of the year (it was most likely a double meaning, but moreso that this is an album about the last 365 days). But it could be?

I think every track had me saying “Oh, this goes” at least once. “Round of Applause” has a fantastic array of drum and horn fixtures. “Warning” makes you want to just swing your body around – back and forth – with a drink in one hand and a fist in the other. “Gospel Psychedelic Rock” is a top tier head bopper with a pleasant sing-along chorus. “Welcome” showcases a ton of Black Milk’s raw rapping ability. And “Black and Brown” really is just off the charts with the Danny Brown inclusion (they went “in” so successfully that the two of them recorded a joint album by the same name in 2011). And I can go on, but…

But you know, with “Losing Out” engrained in my membrane, I was searching for the “sequel” if you will. I wanted an all-timer. It’s a lot to ask for, but I’m a greedy bitch sometimes. I wanted a track that could walk up to the house that “Losing Out” resided in, knock on the door, be welcomed on in for a drink, and hold his own in a conversation. That’s what I wanted.

Track 5. Right in the bread basket of the album. Royce is back. Another Slum Village star Elzhi joins in for some fun.

“You can't take the heat, get yo' ass out the kitchen Matter-fact, take yo' ass back in there and wash the dishes”

“Deadly Medley” has entered the chat.

It’s a lyrical showcase backed by a foray of drums and a hard guitar riff. Instead of a battle, I’d call it more of a rap soiree. The 3 rappers each shine in their verse, and it’s even fair to say that Royce was OUTshined by the “Syllable Scientist” Elzhi. On his verse he left no-hinge un-blowed-off.

Clap the matic; I'll flip like an acrobatic Slap fanatics with murderous rap mechanics I'm worth pay, pockets go green like it was Earth Day That's why I blow cake like it's my birthday

Black Milk also utilities a great sample in his foundation of the beat, Blackrock’s “Yeah Yeah”, and even though the way he flipped the sample on “Losing Out” I enjoyed a lot better, the overall feel of this track’s production seems more polished. And not just this song – the entire album. I could literally listen to this song forever.

Black Milk took the time to step his game up and deliver an incredibly well-rounded album of the year candidate with ‘AOTY’. He also was able to deliver a second all-timer for me. Two top tracks in top consecutive albums.

But is Black Milk actually a Top 5, Dead or Alive? Quite possibly.

After ‘AOTY’, Black Milk gifted us with eight more albums/EPs. Eight. Sure, sure, sure, quality over quantity, but none these albums fell short, or were released just for the sake of it. ‘No Poison, No Paradise (2013)’ infused a more jazz/soul vibe and also incorporated more live band elements than the previous works. It also was an album that had a linear story to tell – no shuffling allowed. ‘If There’s a Hell Below (2014)’ showcased more of his production, and definitely let the songs breathe more – instead attacking the drums with rap verse after rap verse. His production should generally always take front and center to his rapping – but this album it was more apparent. ‘Fever (2018)’ gave us his most eccentric array of influences – taking pieces from funk, jazz, electronic, and well, DE-TWAH RAW (That’s Detroit raw in French). It’s a modern-day George Clinton raw funk feel – a guttural Tribe Called Quest vibe. More thumping bass guitar than banging bass drum.

I saw Black Milk in 2018 at a half Record Shop/half Music Venue in Brooklyn (of course). He was on his ‘Fever’ tour. I was in the second row and yelled to play “Losing Out”. He looked at me and said “Well without Royce it ain’t that hot” and I respected that from him. He played it anyway and it’ll live as a top concert going moment in my life. He performed with a live band and he had 3 keyboards and one small drum to himself. He conducted the “orchestra” for the entire set. No guests came out. It was the best show I saw that year.

Fuck it. I’ll write down now. Is Black Milk Top 5, Dead or Alive? Yeah. Come fight me in 2021.

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