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apatheticaria · 4 years

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my spoilery thoughts on the last of us part ii

i apologize in advance for this super long post that you have to scroll past because i don’t know how to do the “keep reading” option thing

the only reason i’m writing this out is because i’m literally going insane from not being able to talk about my feelings for this game to anyone since no one i know actually cares lmao so this is mainly just for myself and anyone who wants to read this

the intro:

as i played through this game, i also watched a few playthroughs up until the point where i stopped to take a break. this was a game i couldn’t binge just because it’s so heavy and intense and sometimes you just gotta step away and take a breather

one of the playthroughs i followed along with was jacksepticeye’s and at the end he gave his review of the game like he normally does. i didn’t completely agree with everything he said, but for the most part i thought what he said lined up pretty well with my own opinion.

in particular, one thing that stood out to me was when he said that the introduction to this game shouldn’t have been Joel talking to Tommy about what he did at the end of the first game, but rather the whole flashback of Ellie’s birthday at the museum. then at “one” during the countdown to liftoff, the screen should’ve went black and fast forwarded to four-years-older Ellie opening her eyes in her home in Jackson (idk if i’m explaining this well, but Jack’s editor, Robin, edits this together and really sold it to me. if you wanna see it, go to the last part of Jack’s playthrough and look for it towards the last 30 minutes). i think this would have given us the time i think we all needed with Joel before he died and all the following flashbacks would be more focused on how/why Joel and Ellie’s relationship turned so distant - or hostile on Ellie’s part - and could’ve helped the pacing a bit.

Joel’s death:

potentially an unpopular opinion? but i actually like how Joel died. or uh lemme rephrase, i like the way they wrote his death. in this world of violence, hate, and brutality (actually doesn’t sound too off from our world but ahem moving on), i think the way he died was realistic, especially since he doomed all of humanity by saving Ellie in Part I. it just makes a lot of sense that someone would go after him and hunt him down

from the moment Abby and Owen stood over Jackson from the cliff, i was thinking: well theyre gonna kill Joel and since we’re gonna probably be playing as this girl for some (emphasis on some) of the game, they’re gonna go hard on the grey area of perspective in terms of revenge. which i was super on board with, but we’ll get back to that

when this game was first advertised, i didn’t know how i felt about a revenge story. it’s been told so many times and i’m never as hell-bent on revenge as much as the character is because it never feels warranted enough. that is, until i saw Joel die. watching Ellie pinned to the floor with a perfect view of his body, his face, beat to shit as she screams and begs for Abby to stop? haha that’s fucked Naughty Dog, thanks. but i do appreciate that they were able to make me just as mad as Ellie because of just how brutal his death was and how much i care, cared, about that character. no story has ever made me so incredibly enraged to the point i was with the main character full-stop to just destroy the perpetrator and take revenge. that’s why i think the way Joel dies is perfectly done. the fact that that cutscene is so horrible to watch for so many reasons just proves that it does it’s job.

Ellie’s half:

i actually don’t have too much to say about Ellie’s half of the story. this was what i both expected and wanted from the game, the whole game. while i can’t say i was having “fun”, because this isn’t really a fun game to play, you know what i mean when i say that this part was fun to play and follow.

side note: Naughty Dog’s improvement of your NPC buddy is so good, Dina and Jesse were both actually helpful, still not perfect, but also they’re not supposed to do all the work for you. i think the added layer that they could also get caught/seen and alert the enemy was completely unexpected and such a good addition to the gameplay (ofc this goes for Lev as well).

throughout the whole story, there’s kinda a problem with the pacing, and i know i’m not the first person to say that. however, i think the only big pacing issue i had with Ellie’s perspective was that kinda weird attempt of an open world map that they did with the gates. it felt a little unnecessary since i, and most other people, are playing for the story, not an open world with various side quest-like things. i missed the guitar cutscene with Ellie playing the guitar and singing to Dina (which kinda sucks, but i obviously just watched it after) because i just wanted to get back to the story rather than explore a large area. it was an attempt at something different so i won’t fault the game for that too much, but also stay in your lane lol so that section was a bit of a miss for me personally. i really liked the rest of it though, it had me engaged the whole time

Abby’s half:

ok. i have a lot to say about this half of the game since this is where most the problems occur.

first, let me preface this by saying that i don’t hate Abby. as i said, from the very beginning i knew she was going to have a, not justifiable, but an understandable reason for murdering Joel and that the game was going to be about seeing two sides to the same story. except, at the same time, i came here for Ellie, so why am i playing as this heterosexual? im mostly kidding. but fr i didn’t need the entire half of the game trying to get me to sympathize with Abby. i really didn’t need the message to be so spelt out for me, i got it from the moment i realized she was going to kill a favorite character.

i think my main gripe with the way they told this story is the way they formatted it. this story has all the elements to be amazing, but the execution just lacked the...finesse? idk if that’s the right word.

rather than splitting up the game into two halves, they could/should have integrated Abby’s story into Ellie’s so that when we cut from Abby holding the gun at Ellie in the theater to suddenly Abby as a young girl, it won’t feel so jarring when we have to start all over again with the upgrades and the timeline.

i really liked how we switched between them in the very beginning so why couldn’t that have just continued? in a book with multiple povs, the author often switches back and forth between every or every few chapters. you never see a book that starts with one perspective, then at the climax you have to start all over again from the other. at least, i’ve never seen this in any books i’ve read and i’ve read a lot ngl

maybe they forced us to stick with Abby for so long because if we’re forced to play as her, then we’re forced to get invested into her story. while this makes sense, it also really degraded at my enthusiasm for the game. it took me so long to just give up on the idea that we would be going back to Ellie relatively soon and when i did actually realize that was what was happening i was really disappointed.

instead of separating their stories, i would’ve liked to have Abby maybe one step behind Ellie the whole time so that while we play we’re just anticipating when Abby will finally catch up and it builds to this whole thing. instead, when we actually got to the point where everything was supposed to go down, we’re hit with whiplash and back to the very beginning with tutorials?? like did they just expect us to forget how to play since we switched characters?

i’m thinking, after Ellie and Dina jump over the barbed wire that explodes and Ellie’s knocked out, we could have switched over to Abby waking up in the WLF stadium. after Abby sneaks out of the stadium and you have that interaction with Jordan where he mentions Leah at the tv station, then we go back to Ellie waking up and tied to the table and we see Ellie kill Jordan.

after this i think Abby should have met Lev and Yara way sooner because i barely even remember what happened before Abby was caught by the seraphites it was so boring. so she gets caught by the seraphites AFTER we meet them through Ellie being shot through the shoulder (i still want to get all the first impressions of new stuff with Ellie because then it still makes her feel like the main character) and we meet the siblings and blahblahblah.

as a follow up, after Ellie kills Nora, which by the way, Ellie’s facial expressions are just so good with the red light while she’s just beating Nora to death? wow that entire interaction was so well done. anyway, after Ellie kills Nora, and Ellie gets back to the theater and the scene ends with her and Dina hugging, then we would switch to that whole section with Abby and Lev traveling to the hospital to get the meds and it would be cool if on her way in, Nora helps Abby and then on her way out, we run into a door we have trouble opening so we push and when it opens, Nora’s beaten up body is right there.

you get the gist. Abby’s story was barely intertwined with Ellie’s until the very end where she finds Owen and Mel dead. she doesn’t know that literally everyone else, except Leah, is dead too. i feel like that would’ve made the impact of Abby and Ellie’s fight at the theater more effective. affective? whatever i’m not an english nerd

i also think we should have gotten the flashback with Abby’s dad a little later when we’re expected to understand her character a bit more.

overall, i’m not mad about getting Abby’s side of the story, but i am mad that the way it was told felt so disconnected from Ellie. we could still get that whole arc of Abby going to the island to get Lev, she can still get her own story apart from Ellie, but she needed to have more of a interaction with Ellie’s actions.

Abby vs. Ellie, Abby’s pov:

i absolutely hate this fight. i really hate the way it was written and the way it happened. i get that the game is trying to give us Abby’s perspective and to show that in her point of view, Ellie is the villain in this story.

except, AGAIN, i don’t need this spoon fed to me!!! i KNOW that the world isn’t black and white and that people’s perspectives are different, but also? i don’t really care. both characters have gone through shit and both have done shitty things. neither of them are innocent, no one in this world is innocent (hence why i really dislike Mel, but that’s not really relevant), so it really comes down to which character you value more. in my - and most other people’s - case, it’s Ellie. i know the whole point of this fight is to make the player uncomfortable, but i wasn’t just uncomfortable, it made me legitimately start to dislike this game (spoiler for the end of this stupid-long review: i don’t completely dislike it)

the game really emphasizes that this is Abby’s story as much as it is Ellie’s and i get that, but this fight did not need to happen the way it did and the game didn’t need to be even longer after this. a lot of people say that we played from Abby’s perspective because Ellie would have killed Abby and that would be that (and she did, by the way, i relished watching Ellie get her revenge because while i don’t hate Abby, it was still so satisfying even if that wasn’t how the game wanted me to play). however however however, Abby wouldn’t have showed mercy either. she was absolutely going to kill Ellie if Dina hadn’t intervened then she was going to kill Dina if Lev hadn’t intervened.

here’s how i wouldve wanted it to go: we go back to Ellie’s perspective once Abby has the gun pointed at Ellie in the lobby and during their fight, Ellie would get the upper hand because she has weapons and shit (let’s be honest, Ellie would not win in hand-to-hand combat with fully-healthy Abby, we saw that first hand). Lev would try to jump in, but then Dina would disarm him and prevent him from escaping her grasp. then eventually Ellie would have the barrel of the shotgun pointed at Abby’s face and she would hear Lev tell her to please stop don’t kill her and Ellie would listen because the same exact thing happened to her (we could get a short flashback or something for more emotions, idk). so instead of killing Abby, Ellie would knock her out and her and Dina would leave and Lev would run to Abby’s unconscious body. this would end that cycle of revenge and because Abby has something more important to her than revenge (Lev), they would move on.

the ending:

if the game went how i just imagined, we probably wouldn’t get an ending that’s as depressing and open ended as it is, but i’m sure Neil and his team could figure something out, such as Ellie still has to deal with PTSD and Tommy’s really pissed at them and Ellie still looses her two fingers. so we get that little domestic sequence and the PTSD flashback and Tommy coming with his eye missing and showing the map. he leaves and when Ellie is about to leave in the middle of the night, Dina convinces her this time to stay and the next day Ellie tries to play the guitar one last time before giving up since she doesn’t have her fingers (i still want that last heartbreaking flashback, that one fucked me up i love it) and she goes out to leave it somewhere in the woods with it all ending with her walking away from the guitar that Joel gave her to symbolize her letting him go. idk man something like that, still not that open ended, but i’m just talking out of my ass rn

anyway that’s not how it went so we’ll stick to reality.

an open ending isn’t supposed to be unsatisfying, because that’s what this ending was. Part I does an open ending perfectly as we still get closure even though we don’t know exactly how things go afterwards (until now obviously).

after playing from Abby’s perspective for so goddamn long, it was weird to play as Ellie again, even while it was also a relief, and that makes me really sad. in the end, i did feel bad for Abby when she was literally left to starve and “hang” (but again i didn’t need 15+ hours in order to feel basic sympathy).

from the way they wrote the story, i knew Ellie wasn’t going to let it go and she was going to leave Dina and JJ. it made sense and i don’t think it was out of character for her, but the fact they did that in the first place and that Abby was the one to let go first? Abby got her revenge, she killed Joel, but Ellie never got that closure so of course she was going to go after Abby.

in the very end, Ellie is left with no one and Abby still has Lev and a group of fireflies to run to. Ellie’s biggest fear was being alone as she said in the first game, but that’s exactly what she’s left with. yeah life is unfair and i do like that the consequences feel real in this story, but i don’t think Ellie deserved to be done so damn dirty while Abby is living her best life. sure all of Abby’s friends were murdered because of Ellie and Dina leaving is Ellie’s own fault and i don’t blame Dina, but i mean we have no idea what happens to Ellie after this, where she goes. it at least feels like she’s on the road to eventually being relatively okay, as okay as you can be in this world.

i can’t completely articulate how i feel about this ending, even after three days having finished playing. all i do know is that while it’s realistic how Ellie’s story ended, i would’ve liked for Abby to get the same treatment. for her to not actually find the fireflies through the radio and escape from the Rattlers only to have no where to go so that, just like Ellie, revenge cost her everything and we don’t know where she went after.

maybe because Abby’s story was pretty much wrapped up and Ellie’s wasn’t, they’re planning for a trilogy, but i guess we’ll see.

the tldr;

this game has all the elements it needed to be amazing overall imo, i just wish they were all utilized Better. the reason it’s so hard to figure out how i feel about this game is because it has so much potential that just never came through and i’m really jealous of all the people who were blown away by this story. it’s still a good game though, but a 7/10 seems too high and 6/10 seems to low. ig it’s a 6.5/10 for me.

thanks for reading if you made it this far

#tlou2 #tlouii #the last of us #the last of us part ii #the last of us part 2 #i just love ellie a lot #i dont think abby is better than ellie for letting go because everyones an asshole #im scared of them making a part three because they would end up killing ellie somehow #this game fucked me up and im sorry if you actually read all my rambling but i appreciate you #also joel is not a bad person he’s just traumatized from losing his daughter leave him ALONE he’s HUMAN #the last of us part ii spoilers #tlou2 spoilers

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porterblt · 4 years

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Birth Story

Finally sitting down to write this out! Probably going to separate it into segments for ease of remembering?

Pre-Game:

April 21, my due date, came and went. I wasn’t necessarily expecting to go into labor, but I was hoping at least something would happen. Chris I had gone on a long walk around the neighborhood, and by the end of it, I was more crampy/uncomfortable than usual. I also thought he had dropped a bit lower, but wasn’t really sure. Either way, I was still pregnant AF. We went to bed.

Around 3am, I woke up with (what felt like) a painful contraction. I psyched myself up, but I ended up drifting back to sleep and nothing happened. Around 5am, Chris got up to pee and then I got up after him. When I sat up, it felt like a small gush came out. I wasn’t sure if I had peed myself (that has never happened?) and it was really hard to tell. I got up, went to the bathroom, and still couldn’t tell. The more I would bear down, the more fluid would come out. I called the OB on call, and after some back and forth (I was indecisive), she told me to go to St. Mary’s. I told Chris, and after he woke up, he immediately started cleaning the kitchen. LOL. I was shakily packing up my bag and trying to remember everything I needed, and the longer I went, the more I could feel the fluid leaking out when I bent over/lifted something/etc. When I was nearly ready, I realized that Chris had barely packed and was cleaning dishes and wiping the counter top. I finally got him to pack up his bag, and then he nervously was like, “Do you think I have time to take a shower?” CHRIS, my water broke and it’s been 30 minutes! We finally got all of our shit together and then went to the Hospital.

We got there around 6am, and had to get screened for Covid at the entrance. They took our temperatures and gave us stickers (Chris got a wrist band) and then we went to the 3rd floor to get checked in. A nurse got me situated and started an IV. A midwife came in and checked me - I was already 90% effaced, 3cm dilated, and he was -1! I had no idea I was that far along - the last I heard, I was only 1cm. She said she was really impressed by how good of a start I had. We talked about contractions (I hadn’t really had any yet) and decided that I would try to get them started by doing things around the room (couldn’t walk the halls in the hospital, unfortunately) and if I didn’t start on my own by 11am, we’d do Pitocin.

Shift change happened at 7am and I had a really sweet older nurse named Lynette, who would come check on me periodically and talk our ears off for a little while. Dr. Serrah was the dayshift OB and introduced herself - she was super nice. Then Chris and I spent the next ~5 hours just hanging out in the room. It was actually pretty pleasant. I’d get the occasional contraction, we’d have snacks, watch TV, text our relatives, etc. Finally in the late morning, Lynette was saying, “I think it’s time to start the medicine. You didn’t come here for a vacation - we’ve gotta have that baby.” So we started the Pitocin.

Labor:

I’d heard horror stories about Pitocin and how it caused super intense, awful contractions. Thankfully, she started at a pretty low dose and the contractions weren’t that bad. I didn’t even really start going into labor until 11:45 or 12. When they hit, they were like period cramps. After a while, Lynette checked on me and said, “Ok, let’s bump it up.” I’d do a nervous laugh every time she said that. I told Chris it was like the machine in the Pit of Despair from Princess Bride. Each level would make you feel worse and worse. It was like, “Oh, you’re not uncomfortable enough. Let’s change that.” Then, around 1pm, we started hearing a woman across the hall yelling. We just looked at each other nervously. Her yelling became bellowing, which became shrieking. Lynette would come to check on me, increase the medication dose yet again, and then we’d listen to the screaming lady. Oh, and this whole time I was basically doing squats, bouncing on an exercise ball, pacing the room, etc. She said that I needed to do things to get him lower into my pelvis, which would make the contractions more intense and more effective.

Finally Lynette was like, “You’ve been up for a while, do you want to get in bed and rest for a bit? You need to save your energy for when things really get going!” By this time I was already starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, and was like “Oh, ahahah yeah, when things get going...” Also, I had no idea I was allowed to rest in bed! I clumsily climbed in and she was like, “Let me get the peanut ball!” and came back with this giant, peanut-shaped exercise ball to keep in between my knees. That way Everett could still work his way down into my pelvis while I was lying down. I was somehow able to doze a little bit, and then Chris decided to step out for a few minutes to walk around and get some air. Of course, about 10 minutes after he left the contractions started to get pretty bad. I didn’t have my phone (it was plugged in and sitting in the chair next to my bed, out of reach) and I weakly called out, “Hey, Siri!” trying to get it to text Chris and tell him to come back. I got out of bed with great difficulty, and Lynette came back in to check on me. She gave me my phone and I was able to text Chris, which he didn’t respond to. The contractions were getting way more intense and close together, and I was getting to the point where I wasn’t able to really stand or talk while each one was happening. I told Lynette that I was feeling like it was time for the epidural. She opened up my fluids to get my blood pressure up and called the anesthesiologist. This was maybe around 2:15? I finally called Chris and told him to come up. He was like “Oh yeah, sorry!” and he hurried back up to me. He had been walking around the courtyard and then in the chapel. He had ended up being gone for about 40 minutes. He immediately came over and was helping me stay steady through each contraction. They were pretty rough. They were like really strong period cramps that went up my back and down to my thighs.

After another phone call, the anesthesiologist finally moseyed into the room and started the epidural around 3:15. I was pretty nervous about what the pain would be, and it was hard not to imagine the needle going into my back. It definitely felt weird and hurt, but the pain was so fleeting and before I knew it, the procedure was done. After about 5 minutes, Everett’s heart rate started to go down with each contraction, and my blood pressure was getting a little low. Lynette picked up on this right away, and when she checked me she said, “OH. Wow. you’re nearly 10cm!” She hit the call button and urgently asked for help to set up the room. A couple of people came in and started setting things up. I looked over at Chris and suddenly started crying. I was so scared, and things went so fast! I had literally just gotten the epidural! Lynette kept saying, “She’s 9cm and a lip!” I had no idea what that meant, though she finally explained that the only thing that was preventing me from being 10cm was a tiny part of my cervix on one side. The doctor came in and checked me, and confirmed that I was nearly 10cm. They started asking my if I noticed contractions, and I was like, “Oh, I’ve been having contractions this whole time! I forgot!” It was amazing how numb I got, and how quickly it happened! I could still move my legs, but they were very heavy. My skin was totally numb - it was like being at the dentist and touching the side of my face and not being able to feel it. By this time, the next nurse came in (I forgot her name!! Kylie maybe?) and she was pretty nice. I was sad to see Lynette go, because we had made it all morning and I was hoping she’d be there to deliver the baby. They had me get into different positions with my legs propped up, hoping to get that last bit of cervix to open up. Lynette stuck around for a little bit to keep charting, but she eventually left around 4:15. I kept doing stuff with the peanut ball and finally around 5pm, the doctor came back in to check me. She was like, “Yep, we’re at 10cm! Looks like it’s time to start pushing!”

Pushing:

I was nervously like, “Oh, ok!” and looked over at Chris with panic in my eyes, hah. She and Kylie got my legs into the stirrups and described vaguely what I needed to be doing. I had to put my mask on for this part. By this time I was able to feel a weird pressure whenever there was a contraction, but it wasn’t painful. It felt a little bit like I needed to poop. Dr. Serrah said, “Ok, here’s another contraction. On the count of three, you’re going to push! One, two, three!” I pushed hard, and felt this warm fluid shoot out. I was super confused and thought that more amniotic fluid came out. Turns out, I peed everywhere!! Because of the epidural I couldn’t feel my bladder and I had no idea that I even had to go. They chuckled and I was SUPER embarrassed. They used a catheter and emptied my bladder (which I couldn’t feel at all, THANK GOD). We waited a couple more minutes, and then during the next contraction I pushed. It must’ve been a pretty weak couple of pushes, because Dr. Serrah was like, “Ok, well I’ll leave you with Kylie for a bit and she’ll help you work on those pushes!” and she rolled out. I was a little surprised, I thought pushing meant things would start happening quickly? Apparently not. With each contraction, I was taking super deep breaths, which made me cough, which prevented me from being able to push effectively. I finally got my breathing sorted out, and we worked out a system. I rolled on my side, and when a contraction came, I’d take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then take a deep breath, then push for ten more seconds, take a deep breath, and then push one more time for ten seconds. We did this throughout three contractions, then I rolled onto my back and we repeated it. I finally got the hang of what correct pushing needed to feel like. It literally was like trying to push out a giant poop. That’s what it felt like. And it felt like the poop wasn’t getting ANY closer. Eventually I started to feel more discomfort with each push. I rotated to my right side, then to my left, then on my back...I don’t know how many times I pushed, but it was over an hour. Finally it was getting really painful and I asked Kylie if I could crank up the epidural a little more. She was like, “Oh, well, you’re going to feel some pressure. It’s not going to get rid of all the pain.” Ok, I can handle a lot of pressure. But as we went on, the pressure turned into the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. To the point where I was crying and pleading with Chris, saying that I was afraid to push and didn’t think I could do it because it was so painful. I was holding his hands and squeezing them so hard. Finally, something in me just gave in and I pushed through the pain. With each push, I locked eyes with Chris and he helped me through it. They kept saying “You’re so close, he’s nearly here! You’re so close!!” and I’d suffer through another push, but then he still wouldn’t be there. Then finally, as I was hitting my breaking point, they said, “PUSH!!” and I pushed and pushed and then there was this horrific pain and then I saw a head come out, and within seconds the rest of his body came out. Then within another few seconds, he was dried off and on my chest. It was amazing and so surreal. I was completely exhausted, but I had this tiny, slimy baby on my chest. Chris was next to me, just staring at Everett and sobbing. He was officially born at 1855. I delivered the placenta (which I vaguely felt) and then she started assessing the damage from delivery. Everett was so quiet and sweet, and Chris was taking videos of him. Because of his little head facing away and the position of my mask, I had no idea what he looked like. After 5 or so minutes, I said, “Chris, what does he look like? Can you show me a picture?” Chris took a picture and showed me on his phone. I saw a little wet face and two big eyes that were just looking around, taking in their new world. They had Chris cut the umbilical cord (which I think he didn’t really want to do, hahah) and then we all just laid there quietly. Chris sent pictures and videos to the family and we just soaked it all in.

While we were in baby bliss, there were lots of people bustling in and out of the room. The doctor told me that I had two tears and that she was stitching them up for me. I felt them and it hurt, but it seemed minuscule compared to what I had already gone through. After about an hour, they took Everett over to get weighed and measured. 8lbs 1oz, and 21 1/4 inches long. Our little boy!! They swaddled him up and gave him to Chris. Held him for the first time, and it was completely beautiful. I took a couple of pictures. He just held Everett and looked down at his tiny face. They gave him back to me and then a Mother Infant nurse came in to talk to us for a few minutes. They were going to give me more time to recover and be monitored, and then we were going to get rolled over to the MIU. I tried to nurse Everett and he did it for an hour! He probably only got like, three drops out, but it was so sweet and I just stared at him the entire time. We just kept lying around and soaking it all in until about 9:30pm, when we got wheeled over to our new room. We met our new nurse, Sam, and then got settled. Chris went to Sonic (one of the only restaurants open) and got me a cheeseburger and milkshake. I was starving and exhausted, but so so happy. We called our families and talked to them for a bit. Then we settled in for the night.

Recovery:

This part is kind of a blur, because all the days kind of melted together. We were there until Friday morning, when we got discharged. The first night I got mayyyybe three hours of sleep? I was in a bit of pain, and I knew I had to wake Everett up every 2 hours to feed him. Again, I felt like I had no milk and wasn’t really sure how to feed him, but I was doing my best. Chris slept on the window seat that doubled as a bed (we called it his “shelf,” haha). The nurse would pop in every few hours to check his and my vital signs, but for the most part she gave us space to sleep. She’d change his diaper and give me little tidbits. Everett was so sleepy and sweet, he hardly cried at all that entire night/next morning. Getting up to go to the bathroom was rough. I was in so much discomfort and to be honest, was afraid to pee. Haha. But I figured out the rhythm and things ended up being ok. The next morning there was shift change, and our new nurse (I forget her name) was very sweet and seemed kind of young. I wasn’t crazy about her at first, but she ended up being really nice and helpful as the day went on.

A lactation consultant popped in in the afternoon and helped me with some basic things. Everett was a really sleepy eater and wouldn’t stay away for more than a few seconds at a time to eat. She gave me a lot of information and said off-handedly, “Oh, and sometime around the 24-hour mark he’ll start cluster feeding. So be prepared for that.” Ok, good to know? Wowww, she did not even remotely prepare me for what was going to happen. At that point in time, the only way I could tell that he was hungry was if he would open his mouth and root around, or make a clicking noise with his tongue. Around 3 or 4, he started to get hungry and wanted to eat. And eat. And I’d put him back in the bassinet, and then he’d want to eat some more. At this point, I’d only had like, 5 hours of sleep total over the past couple of days so I was getting pretty tired. Sometime around shift-change, we had a new nurse come in who was probably in her 60′s named Shirley and said, “Oh, I’m a lactation consultant! I can help you with x y z!” Well, then she left and I didn’t see her for hours. Everett’s feedings became longer and closer together. At one point, he just got so worked up and I got worked up. He was crying and screaming and I was crying. I just didn’t know what to do, and I was so tired. Every time I put him down, all he wanted to do was eat again. Soon it was after midnight and we still hadn’t seen our nurse. I didn’t want to hit the call bell for help (I just felt like it was stupid, like, “Help, my baby is crying,” I didn’t want to bother her I guess). Our nurse from the first night, Sam, happened to walk by and heard Everett’s screams (hah). She came in to see if we were ok and was surprised that Everett and I were a total mess. She took Everett and calmed him down, then re-swaddled him. She told me that with clusterfeeding, sometimes babies can smell their moms and want to keep eating, even if they’re not hungry. She said she’d come back around in about 45 minutes and take Everett to the nursery so we could get some sleep. She left and must’ve told our nurse Shirley that I was upset because she came in and was like, “Ohh, I’m so sorry, you should’ve hit your bell! I didn’t know you were having such a hard time in here!” She gave me some tips that were a little helpful and then eventually left. Sam came by around 1:30 and took Everett. He screamed and cried and I could hear him going all the way down the hall. I was crying and saying to Chris, “They’re not going to get him to calm down and he’ll have to come back and I won’t get any sleep at all.” Chris, of course, was calm and collected and said, “Nope, they know what they’re doing. Just get some sleep.” And luckily, he was totally right - I conked out and slept hard for three and a half hours. Same brought him back and said that as soon as they settled him in the nursery, he immediately stopped crying and fell right asleep. I was so, so grateful for the rest. She came in and checked on us a couple more times during the night, and it was so nice. I liked her the best out of all my nurses.

Around 5:30, a pediatrician came bustling into the room and grabbed Everett (who had been nursing for about an hour - I was exhausted and sore) and he assessed him, got him all worked up, then haphazardly swaddled him and handed him back to me. Poor Everett was crying and flailing his little arms and started screaming. The pediatrician said, “Man, that kid’s got a set of lungs!” I asked him to give us some guidance on Covid, and he just flopped down on the window seat next to Chris and started talking about the “orientals” wearing masks and how not many babies or children had contracted the virus that they knew of. He basically said that we shouldn’t worry too much, and then left. We weren’t sure how much we should trust him. Chris re-swaddled Everett and we got some sleep before shift change came in.

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