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kayliemusing · 3 years

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42: top 3s

1: Top 3 ice cream flavors - classic vanilla, birthday cake/birthday batter, bubblegum

2: Top 3 Disney Movies - Mulan, Onward, Soul (but this changes frequently lol)

3: Top 3 vacation destinations - I've never been outside of my home country so I'll say my top 3 DREAM destinations: NYC, Hawaii, a random countryside in either France or the UK

4: Top 3 places to shop - Dynamite, Sephora, Winners/Homesense

5: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take - English/anything creative writing related, Interior Decorating/Design, Communications?

6: Top 3 make up products - YSL Touche Eclat Foundation, literally any Mac Lipstick but it has to be matte, & Fenty Beauty contour stick

7: Top 3 music artists - Taylor Swift - Of Monsters and Men - The Lumineers

8: Top 3 spices/herbs - Cinnamon - Nutmeg (literally tastes like autumn) - Paprika

9: Top 3 drinks - Diet Coke - Hot Chocolate - Vanilla Bean Frappe

10: Top 3 apps to use - Instagram - Pinterest -iBooks

11: Top 3 months of the year - May, October, December

12: Top 3 clothing items - My black/white turtle neck, high waisted jeans, plaid blazer

13: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows - Bones, Supernatural, Brooklyn Nine Nine

14: Top 3 romantic dates - (I've never been on a date but if I had, it would be this) Evening walk, late night drive, late night coffee date (tbh anything at night feels romantic)

15: Top 3 kinds of flower - Water lilies, cherry blossoms, roses

16: Top 3 christmas movies - A Christmas Carol (2009), Home Alone, The Polar Express

17: Top 3 OTPs - Nesta and Cassian from ACOTAR series by SJM, Manon and Dorian from Throne of Glass series by SJM, Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series by JLM.

18: Top 3 quotes to describe your life - "I write not to find, but to leave" by Scherezade Siobhan - "I want to be myself again. I want to be six. I want to stop knowing everything I know" by Catherynne M. Valente - "The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get" by Joanna Hoffman.

19: Top 3 characteristics you love about yourself - my kindness bc it's not surface level kindness, but actually something deeply rooted within me - my resilience even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like resilience - my loyalty bc it is a hard as steel kind of loyalty

20: Top 3 kinds of candy - Maltesers, Kit kats, smarties

21: Top 3 ways to exercise/ be active - Walking, dancing, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk

22: Top 3 spirit animals - wolf, hummingbird, tiger (i googled it bc i didn't know and i was scared it was a joke but)

23: Top 3 petnames - I like 'lovebug', 'love', 'sweetheart'

24: Top 3 books read outside of school - The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas but viewers discretion is advised, Crush by Richard Siken

25: Top 3 most used websites - Youtube, Tumblr, Pinterest

26: Top 3 people you last texted - my mom, my bestie megan, and my sister bc they're the only people i text...

27: Top 3 hashtags you use - the only time i use hashtags is if i'm trying to promote some of my writing so I'll usually use writingcommunity, writersonig, poetryonig lol

28: Top 3 instagram accounts you follow - Trista Mateer, Griefmother, obviously taylor swift

29: Top 3 guilty pleasures - buzzfeed quizzes, early 2000s music, romance novels

30: Top 3 summer activities - Going to the zoo, long evening walks, campfires and s'mores

31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle - hearts, flowers, random swirls bc it's the only thing i can doodle...

32: Top 3 aesthetics - cityscape aesthetic, autumn aesthetic, rustic aesthetic

33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars - a new car, a condo, another cat

34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself - facial, a large bag of maltesers, buying the makeup i really want but have been putting off

35: Top 3 celebrity crushes - Evan Peters, Matthew Daddario, henry cavill

36: Top 3 books from your childhood - Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, The Big Friendly Giant by Roald Dahl, and Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmens

37: Top 3 accents to hear - Australian, super poshy british accent, new zealand accent

38: Top 3 scents - Fresh rain, vanilla, sweet cinnamon pumpkin from bath and body works

39: Top 3 "Friends" quotes - "WE WERE ON A BREAK" -Ross, "Guess things were just going too well for me" -also ross, and "it's so exhausting waiting for death" - phoebe

40: Top 3 cupcake flavors - tbh I haven't tried that many cupcakes so your typical vanilla, chocolate, and Pink Lady Cupcake from Babycakes Cupcakery

41: Top 3 fruits - Pomegranates, Strawberries, Raspberries

42: Top 3 places you've had amazing pizza from - Pizzahut, Dominos, Pizza73

43: Top 3 sports teams to watch - i don't

44: Top 3 crayola colors - uh, i guess red, purple, and pink??

45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college - Certificates/Degrees in Copyediting and Creative Writing, and I think simply just deeper critical thinking skills when it comes to writing and books

46: Top 3 fanfictions you've read - I read more books than fanfics, I've read a couple on tumblr but don't remember the names sorry :/

47: Top 3 people you miss right now - my dad, my best friend bc she's in vancouver, taylor swift bc she's not on tumblr anymore rip

48: Top 3 fears - Failure, Loss, not achieving anything in life/not reaching my full potential

49: Top 3 favorite literary devices - Foreshadowing is always god tier, cliffhangers although evil i love those too, symbolism

50: Top 3 pet peeves - People dragging their shoes on the floor when they walk, when you tell someone your fav hobby/music artist/interest and they immediately go 'oh I hate X!', and people who go 'you're so quiet!!!' but in a way that draws in more attention and/or makes me feel more uncomfortable like i would literally rather die

51: Top 3 physical things you find attractive - Hands, nice hair, defined jawlines

52: Top 3 bad habits - Nailbiting, picking at my blemishes oops, lip biting

53: Top 3 pets you've had/wish to have - Cats bc they complete me, I've always wanted a Samoyed, and I've always wanted a turtle

54: Top 3 types of foreign food - Chicken Chow Mein, deep fried shrimp, japanese chicken wings

55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime - 'I quit', 'I love you', 'you changed my life'

56: Top 3 dog breeds - Samoyed, german shepherds, collies

57: Top 3 cheesy romance movies - You've Got Mail, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You

58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak - French, Sign, and maybe Japanese?

59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) - The Cruel Prince series by Holly Black, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas (but literally only for Cassian and Nesta), From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L Armentrout

60: Top 3 pizza toppings - Mushrooms, alfredo sauce, pineapple

61: Top 3 youtubers you're subscribed to - Game Grumps, Charlotte Dobre, Megan Batoon

62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas - I want to get a tattoo on my wrist of the last thing my dad ever wrote me, a hummingbird tattoo right next to it, and then a cross on my index finger

63: Top 3 awards you want to win - National Book Awards, Nobel Prize, and maybe even Goodreads Choice Awards lol

64: Top 3 emojis - Laugh/Crying emoji, the please sir emoji that kinda gives off those puss n boots eyes, and the stars emoji

65: Top 3 cars you dream of owning - 1970s Chev Impala, tbh a cute little Hyundai Venue, and maaaaybe the 1964 ferarri 250 gt luso (idk if that name was totally right but i had to do tons of googling to find it. i don't know a lot about cars and i don't really have a top 3 lol)

66: Top 3 authors - Right now I'm really into Sarah J Maas, Sally Thorne, and Holly Black maybe?

67: Top 3 historical figures - Jesus, Anne Frank, Vincent Van Gogh

68: Top 3 baby names - Ryder, Leila, Gracie

69: Top 3 DIYs - Candles, refurnishing old furniture (i.e. my mom and i painted our wooden garbage can), and really just any type of autumn diy

70: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors - Strawberry/Banana, Mango, Strawberry-Mango

71: Top 3 songs of this month - Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, Biblical by Calum Scott, and Visiting Hours by Ed Sheeran

72: Top 3 questions of this post you want to be asked - I did them all bc I made it a survey instead of an ask meme ;)

73: Top 3 villains - Regina/The Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, Cruella De Vil, and Moriarty from Sherlock

74: Top 3 Cities you want to see - Montreal, NYC, Vancouver (honorable mention: LA)

75: Top 3 recipes you want to try - different kind of salad and/or burger bowls, Stuffed bell peppers, and homemade lemon loaf

76: Top 3 dream jobs - Bestselling author, the person who runs a companies social media accounts, youtuber/blogger

77: Top 3 lucky items - tbh don't have one

78: Top 3 traditions you have - Christmas Eve Service and if I don't go to that at least incorporating reading the christmas story on christmas day or eve, idk if this counts as tradition but going to the corn maze every fall, and whenever it's easter/christmas/thanksgiving we always have a big meal w/ family

79: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid - reckless abandon, dreaming about growing up with hopefulness and no dashed hopes, experiencing holidays like halloween and christmas as a kid

80: Top 3 harry potter characters - I've never read or watched Harry Potter rip (ok well i saw the first and second (and maybe third?) movie in the sixth grade I think) but I think I really liked Hermoine, Harry obviously and Dobby

81: Top 3 lies you were told - i don't have 3, but this one has a story but basically when my sister and i were in elementary school my sister got hit by a car and so the insurance thing was that she would recieve 10k when she was 18 and as a child i thought that was unfair so my dad told me that my sister had to split it with me when we were 18 lmao obviously that didn't happen (i think i realized that wasn't true in middle school)

82: Top 3 pictures in your camera roll right now - Pictures of my cat, one of my sister in a hilarious filter, and a picture of my rocking my TS merch

83: Top 3 turn ons - Kindness, defined jawline, easy going

84: Top 3 turn offs - arrogance, unkempt, super loud and obnoxious

85: Top 3 magazines/news papers/ journals to read - I don't read much of those so I'll tell you some sites I love for writing purpose's: there's Wellstoried, justwriterlythings, springhole.net (which is filled with generators if you're stuck and also tons of infomation and advice)

86: Top 3 things you wish you had known earlier - that toad in Mario Party was wearing a mushroom hat and that it is actually not his head, that immaculate means 'clean' before i misused that word like several times over the years, and that the one turn i always take on my way to work where i thought everyone didn't know how to drive was actually bc i didn't have the right of way rip me

87: Top 3 spongebob episodes - the one episode where spongebob and patrick find a ghost ship, that one episode where they form a bikini bottom band and perform it at a football game in a little fish tank, and the one episode where squidward has his first snowball fight

88: Top 3 places to be in the world - I'd love to be in NYC, Montreal, or Hawaii

89: Top 3 things you'd do differently - I would not have applied for RDC, similarly I should have just paid the 500 dollars to the one certificate program I wanted to do instead of overthinking it, and I wish I wouldn't have ended a friendship the way I did

90: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood - Spongebob Squarepants, That's So Raven, and Hannah Montana

91: Top 3 meals you love - Turkey Burgers, Chilli, and Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup

92: Top 3 kinds of tea - i don't drink tea

93: Top 3 embarrassing moments - one time in sixth grade I tripped and fell right on my face in front of my crush, this other time like a couple years ago i opened the door to my car and only realized much too late while i was staring at this random family that it was not my car, and when i went to the gas station to get gas and couldn't get my gas lid on my car opened and this guy had to help me which was already embarrassing enough but then the gas pump wouldn't work so i had to go inside to pay just to realize i forgot my wallet and had to shamefully walk back to my car and then run back inside the convenience store and then pay and then walk back to my car and finally fill my tank.

94: Top 3 holidays to celebrate - Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving

95: Top 3 things to do in the rain - have an existential crisis, pretend you're in a music video, walk through puddles like you're six again

96: Top 3 things to do in the snow - Sledding, Build a snowman, shovel it even tho you don't want to

97: Top 3 items you can't leave the house w/o - phone, keys, wallet

98: Top 3 movies you'd like to see - Jurassic World 3, Hotel Transylvania: Transformania bc i'm a child, and the animation of the addams family

99: Top 3 art mediums - Writing fiction/poetry, painting, music

100: Top 3 museums you've been to - Royal Tyrell Museum, Canadian History one in edmonton lol, and heritage park in calgary

101: Top 3 school memories - Middle school dances when the popular kids would grind to the song "Low" which was always an interesting experience, in the twelfth grade at winter formal when we all shouted "SHUT UP AND DANCE!" at the same time when they played Shut Up and Dance, and the day i left

102: Top 3 things you don't/Won't miss - School, my sisters ex, 2016 bc she was a rough year yikes

103: Top 3 pick up lines - "My name is Will. God's Will.", "I'd like to take you to the movies but they don't like you bring your own snacks", "are you from tennessee bc you're the only 10 i see"

104: Top 3 sports to watch - none of them

105: Top 3 taylor swift songs - all too well - exile - coney island

#survey

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 6 years

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Happy Little Accident

Request: Do you thing you could write a Dean fic where he is the readers best friend. She gets pregnant and the asshole she is with leaves her so Dean steps up. Helps her with the room, buying stuff, doctors app and lomage classes. Along the way he realize he is falling for her. You can make it canon or au as you see fit and the end is up to you. Fingers crossed for fluffy fluff though

Pairing: AU!Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,300ish

Warnings: minor language

A/N: Cute, helpful, excited for baby Dean...

Can you come over?

You texted Dean about fifteen minutes ago, his car pulling up out front sending a slight surge of panic through you.

What if he was pissed? It was an accident but Dean was constantly telling you that you could do way better than Calvin and to dump the loser.

Actually he only said that once because Dean wanted you to be happy so he’d kept his mouth shut after that. But he was right and you knew he’d be right and now you had no idea what to do.

You heard him use his spare key, slipping out of his boots and padding across the floor into the living room, looking down at you over the back of the couch.

“You guys broke up, didn’t you?” asked Dean.

“Yes,” you said, Dean hopping over the back of the couch, lifting up your feet to let them settle in his lap.

“Sorry,” he said.

“No you’re not,” you said, hugging a pillow to your chest. Dean gave you a sad smile, staring a little at your puffy eyes.

“You’re right, I’m not. But I am sorry you’re upset,” he said, patting your leg. “I’m gonna make us a pair of those bourbon ice cream sundaes you like and then we’ll turn on a chick flick.”

“Will you stay over tonight?” you asked.

“Of course. It’s been a long time since I was allowed to sleepover,” said Dean, bringing a brief smile to your face. He stood up, starting to move towards your kitchen when you caught his hand. “What’s up sweetheart?”

“Leave the alcohol out of mine,” you said, Dean chuckling.

“Don’t worry lightweight. I won’t put that much in,” he teased.

“I’m pregnant,” you said, Dean’s smile taking a few seconds to wipe clean off his face.

It took him only one for his brow to furrow and jaw to clench.

“I was careful but it happened anyways and I’m sorry,” you said, staring at your lap, squeezing your pillow when you felt fresh tears start to build up.

“He left because that idiot got you pregnant, didn’t he. I’m gonna go kick his ass and drag him back here,” said Dean.

“Why?” you said.

“Because the asshole needs to take responsibility, that’s why. Man up and take care of his damn kid and girl,” said Dean.

“He left three weeks ago. He came back for his stuff two. He is never coming back Dean. We made that very clear with each other,” you said. “I don’t even want him anymore.”

“Then why are you crying again?” asked Dean, kneeling down beside you, brushing the hair out of your face. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“You told me to get rid of him and I didn’t listen when I knew he wasn’t right for me and then this happened and I didn’t want you to hate me or think I’m some…” you said, Dean shushing you.

“You didn’t ask for this. All I ever want is for you to be happy. So let’s have our sundaes, yours bourbon free, turn on a movie and we’ll figure this out together, alright?” he asked.

“Can I have chocolate sprinkles on mine?” you asked, wiping your face dry with your sleeve.

“Yeah. You’re gonna be okay, Y/N.”

Two Months Later

“What to expect during your first sonogram,” said Dean, rolling his eyes as he read the phmaplet in the waiting room again. “Your child will look like a dot on a screen and I’ll pretend I know what the hell the doctor is pointing at.”

“Dean,” you said.

“Our appointment was for two. It’s almost three,” grumbled Dean.

“Getting annoyed won’t solve anything,” you said with a sigh, leaning your head on his shoulder. “I hate the doctors office.”

“This is only the first of how many visits?” asked Dean.

“A lot,” you said, Dean closing his eyes, the door to your right opening. “I think this is us.”

“Y/N? I’m Doctor Colt,” said the woman with a warm smile. “Let’s go check out your little one.”

You stood up, Dean giving you a raised eyebrow.

“Dad’s welcome to come too,” she said, waving him back.

“I’m not the...just a friend,” said Dean.

“Oh, alrighty then,” said Doctor Colt, guiding you back to the door.

“Do you want to…” you asked, Dean nodding. The doctor led you back down a hall to a room, letting you change into a gown, Dean poking his head in after the doctor once you were dressed again.

“Okay, Y/N. We figure you’re around twelve weeks so today we’ll confirm that and get an estimated due date for you,” she said, sliding over on a chair, turning in the machine. “Lift up your gown for me.”

Your stomach didn’t look any different yet and you weren’t expecting all that much but you were still nervous, Dean giving you a warm look to relax.

“This is going to be a little cool,” she said, Dean cautiously getting closer until you nodded your head for him to come over. “Alright mom, let’s see what we got going on.”

She put the large chunky thing against your skin, the machine humming away before she smiled, you and Dean cocking your heads.

“Right there is your baby,” she said, pointing at what looked like a smudge on the screen.

“Awesome,” said Dean, giving you a smile. “Is everything okay with both of them?”

“Mom and baby look just fine,” she said, handing you a wipe. “I will let you clean up and change back into your clothes and then we’ll get you everything you need for the pregnancy.”

One Month Later

“Look what the cat dragged in,” you said with a smile, Dean walking in the front door with a pair of bags. “I made pie.”

“I know. My mouth is already watering,” he said, reaching in the bag, tossing you a bottle. “More neonatal pills for you, rollers and brushes for me.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help paint?” you asked.

“You’re baking me another pie,” he said. “Get cracking, lazy.”

“Already in the oven,” you said with a smirk.

“Go for a walk then, stay out of the paint fumes,” he said.

“You worry about everything,” you said.

“Somebody has to.”

“Oh,” said you and Dean a few days later, spotting a giant stuffed bear when you walked in the baby store.

“Let’s get it,” said Dean.

“It’s the size of the baby’s room! We have a list and we’re sticking to it,” you said.

“...We’ll see,” he said, grabbing a cart and heading down the first aisle with stuffed animals. “Why are there so many?”

“No idea,” you said, wandering around while Dean made a beeline for a decently sized white bear.

“I think we should get this one,” he said, picking it up, handing it to you. “If you want.”

“It’s white, it’s going to get dirty all the time,” you said.

“It’s white so you’ll know when it’s dirty and when it needs a wash,” he said, tilting his head.

“It is soft,” you said with a smile. “Okay. Big stuffed animal done. Only twelve thousand more things to get.”

“That’s a lot of cribs,” you said with a gulp when you finally made your way to the back of the store.

“You liked the gray one online,” said Dean. “The safety reviews were super good too.”

“Yeah,” you said, wandering over to it. “It’s small though. The baby will grow out of it super fast. I’d like to try and get more than a year out of this thing.”

“The Baby Cruiser is more expensive but it had the best rating,” said Dean, going to a bigger crib two stands over. “I can pitch in. Call it an early birthday present.”

“How about you help put it together instead,” you said, Dean nodding. “Is that everything we came up with?”

“Everything apart from diapers but we got plenty of time for that,” he said.

“Let’s set this stuff up and then I’m taking you out to dinner for being so helpful lately,” you said.

“You don’t have to,” said Dean with a shy look. “But I mean if you insist. Somewhere with burgers and pie is good with me.”

“Really? Never would have guessed.”

Three Months Later

“Okay,” you said, laying back against the mat at the end of class. “I’m sweating from practicing breathing. I’m done with being pregnant now.”

“I like you with a belly. It makes me look super fit,” said Dean, puffing out his chest, resting his hand on your stomach.

“I look pregnant. You look like a…” you said, struggling to come up with a good comeback. “Shut up.”

“That’s what I thought, loser,” he said, smiling when you felt the baby kick. “I’m just teasing your mom little guy. She knows I love her.”

“Kids gonna be a soccer player with how much he does that,” you said, Dean helping you to your feet.

“We got enough kids in here to form a team,” said Megan, her and her husband still getting her up. “One week left. God, I miss being seven months. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

“You guys excited?” asked Dean, both of them nodding.

“Second one is a bit easier,” said Doug. “You two a thing yet?”

“Doug, for the millionth time stop harassing them. They’re friends and Dean’s an incredible guy for stepping in like that,” said Megan.

“Well if we don’t see you guys at class next week it’s because this one decided to come out,” said Doug. “Make sure we get an invite to the wedding.”

“Sure thing Doug,” said Dean, rolling his eyes with a smile.

You were driving home with Dean when he suddenly turned around and started heading back for town.

“We running an errand?” you asked.

“Do you want to grab lunch out?” he asked.

“Sure,” you said, something off with him since you left lomage class. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah. You?” he asked, turning down the street towards your favorite resturant.

“Uh huh,” you said, keeping an eye on him as you parked and got out. You slid into a few seats at a booth, Dean not looking you in the face at all now. “Dean, did what Doug say bother you?”

“No,” he said, glancing out the window.

“Then why won’t you look at me?” you asked.

“I love you,” he said with a shrug, turning his head in your direction.

“I love you too. Now what’s wrong?” you asked.

“Y/N. I love you,” said Dean. “I thought I could keep my mouth shut until at least after the baby came but I love you. I screwed up and now it’ll be awkward and you won’t want me around when you’ll need help the most.”

“What are you talking about, Dean?” you asked.

“I love you,” he said.

“I know! Now tell me what the problem is,” you said.

“You’re not understanding. I am in love with you,” he said, giving you a long stare. “In every sense of the word.”

“I know,” you said, rolling your eyes. “Now-”

“I love you, dammit. I want to kiss you and wake up in bed with you and take you on dates and raise this baby with you and I want you to be so freaking happy that you forget what being sad even feels like and I want to be with you,” he said, ducking his head down.

“Dean,” you said, reaching across the table to grab his hand. “I know all that.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Why? I’m not,” you said. “I’ve sort of been in love with you for a long time, Dean.”

“You’re just saying that,” he said.

“When you came over that night, you made me excited for this baby again. You did that. You have always been there for me. You’re the one I always had fun with, always could trust. You’ve always been the guy but this baby made me see it. It’s not even yours and you love it like it is and maybe we need some practice on the more relationship side of stuff but I’m pretty sure we can handle it,” you said.

Dean blinked a few times, cocking his head as he processed what you said. He didn’t smile wide or burst into any kind of excited proclamation but he did give your hand a gentle squeeze and a small nod of his head.

You knew from the second he said all those months ago he was going to be by your side, no matter what, he wasn’t just talking about getting through the pregnancy. He’d always be there for you and your baby.

You gave him a smile as he finally realized you’d always be there for him too.

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#supernatural #SPN #dean winchester #dean x reader #one shot #fluff #spn fanfic #spn one shot #dean one shot #dean x #dean winchester x reader #winchester #dean fluff #dean supernatural #dean spn #supernatural one shot #supernatural fanfiction #dean fanfiction

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goldbergjonblog · 7 years

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This Is How Horror Movies Start

As you grow up there are many milestones, signs, ages and moments that claim you are “a man.” There’s the fake ones like being bar mitzvah’d or losing your virginity or just turning eighteen. There are the assumed ones like getting a job, getting married, buying a house or having a kid. There are the personal ones, like the fact that I was recently able to root for the New York Rangers in a playoff game. As a kid I was an Islanders fan. The Rangers made me angry. The Rangers made me cry. The Rangers made me slap a kid in the face when I was twelve because he rubbed it in a little too much after a devastating loss. So the fact that I could stand up with 23,000 Rangers fans and legitimately cheer for them was to me, a true sign of growth and maturity, because my twelve year-old self would never be able to fathom how that could ever happen. But does that make me “a man”? Doubtful. Maybe the only way to really know if you are a man is to measure yourself against others. To be put in the same environment and see how you do. Maybe the real sign of manhood are the tests, tests of will, tests of courage and tests of sanity.

A few years ago there was a test that presented itself and put my manhood on the line. "Daddy, I want to catch a fish." This came from my son Charlie, an ocean-life obsessed five year-old at the time. He really wanted this more than anything and there was only one man that could help him reach this goal, and he was two thousand miles away.

My wife grew up in Montana, a state whose name I don't think I even uttered until I was twenty-five. I am amazed when I go there at how she could have come from such a place. It is beautiful no doubt, but from my perspective it's a different country. It is so far from our current reality, as she's been in New York for over twenty years. There were moments when I was more at home in India (Jewtown specifically...look it up). My wife always says that she felt like an alien growing up there and I totally understand. That's what New York is for. It's a planet filled with all of these aliens who have found a home away from their hometown. A place where they don't stand out but they actually blend in. I am very comfortable in my own hometown and can fake it in most places, but in Montana, you may as well just get me a seat between Richard Branson and Justin Bieber and send me to Mars.

I went on my first trip to Montana in 2002, essentially, to meet the FAMILY. Her dad has two brothers and five sisters, who have an average of two kids each. Her mom has four brothers and one sister, also averaging two kids each, so the math is extraordinary as far as cousins go. Luckily only about a third of her family lives in Montana. The other three thousand live in the slightly more familiar planet of Minnesota. In preparing for the trip I had to work with flash cards. "So Rick is married to Jean and their kids are Kayla and Keith"? "Cody...Kayla and Cody...Keith is my uncle that lives in Minnesota." And it would go like that for days up until the big family dinner where I would look at Rick, shake his hand and say "hey Kevin".

If they were to create someone that is the polar opposite of me then my father-in-law, Tom, would be the perfect choice. Let's look at the scoreboard. He lives in Kalispell, Montana, shadowed by Glacier Park, where bears are a nuisance. I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, shadowed by Prospect Park, where strollers are a nuisance. He retired at 62 after 35 years working on the railroad (seriously, he drove cargo trains up and down the Pacific Northwest). I'm a fucking ad guy with no hopes of retirement. When a relative wants a house, they buy a plot of land, call my father-in law and his brothers and they drive hundreds of miles to help build it, from scratch. Where once there was nothing, now there was a house. Like a family of David Copperfields. After we bought our house, completely renovated, my in-laws flew out and built a shed in our backyard over a rainy weekend. They were rubbing it in my nose, literally in my own backyard. When my relatives buy a house I might send them a lovely waffle iron. My father in-law's "pets" are packhorses, horses that he uses to disappear into the woods for two weeks so they can carry a recently shot moose on their backs. I have a Labradoodle, who sometimes wears a raincoat on her back. His favorite hobby is hunting, but he uses a bow to keep it fair. I like playing basketball, but I stay on the outside to avoid aggressive elbowing. So my insecurities of where I stand on the manhood acceptance scale are at a heightened state before I even board the plane for Montana.

If there were one place that really boils the culture shock down into an image it's my in-laws' basement. It is overwhelmed by the presence of stuffed animals, just staring at you from all angles. And I’m not talking inanimate stuffed animals like Nemo, Snoopy and Buzz Lightyear, but animals that were once very animate and now are stuffed. Two things really stood out in that basement. First, these were not stuffed birds or squirrels. There were cougars, moose and elk with antlers that looked like giant witch fingers. The second thing that hit me was that these were all animals he had actually bagged. I think the moment I saw that room my penis went to the nearest computer, got online, booked the first flight back to New York (I think he prefers Orbitz when in a rush), packed up his little rucksack, hopped to the front door, realized he forgot something and approached me, yanked my pants down and grabbed my balls, dropping them in the bag. He continued to the door, turned back toward me, gave me one last look with his eye and said, "And you've been telling people you're a man all these years. Well I can't support this charade anymore." That was followed by a dramatic door slam.

As I looked at all of the animals covering the walls, no matter how anti-gun, anti-hunting, anti-NRA, anti-anything an upper west side raised Jew would be anti, I could feel nothing but respect. My wife had told me stories of how one elk would feed them for the winter. They would get it butchered into steaks, burgers, chops, chili and sausage and put it in a freezer. It's probably the right way to live, although I don't know if I could give up going to specialty stores and getting the meat in one place, the bread in another and the veggies from the green market fresh on a daily basis. Now that's my kind of hunting ("oh I hope Union Market has the Alaskan wild-caught Salmon, or US farmed, never foreign farmed, yeah I hope they have that.")

Tom and I did find common ground in sports, specifically baseball and a love for the Minnesota Vikings. So there was always easy conversation if there were any awkward moments of silence in my future. Like if we were going after some elk or a bear we could talk, I should say whisper, about the Yankees overspending, the Vikings' offensive line play and their draft class that year.

My son was fixated on fish from a very early age and he would always talk about wanting to go fishing. I have no experience fishing, at times going to great lengths to avoid it, but he and his sister, Lucy, are the only two people on the planet that could make me go and actually be excited about it. Charlie had to catch a fish. We had tried and tried, on lakes, rivers, ponds, even in Prospect Park, with no luck, although we did catch some "stick fish." But Grandpa Tom was going to make it happen. An old friend of his had a house with a stream about forty-five minutes away, deep in the woods. Now when I say woods, we are talking about the woods of Montana. This is like the Yankee Stadium of woods. This is the kind of woods where your chances of survival take a noticeable tick down, and I've brought my five year-old son into this. Two thoughts begin to battle in my mind.

1. This is what being a father is all about.

2. This is how horror movies start.

As a parent you are constantly playing a game of "Final Destination". The name of the game is in reference to a series of movies in the 2000's where Gen-Xers were killed seemingly by accident, although darker forces were at work. Electric wires would loosely squirm around and land in a puddle as the football player steps in it. A trailer becomes detached and slams into the young fashionista's car. A flying metal pole impales the over-the-top snobby girl that seduced the hot English teacher (ok I've never seen these movies but I imagine I'm not too far off). It was basically a Hollywood version of a safety manual. The way the parent version of the movie works is you scan a room, playground, restaurant or situation and determine what are the simple to outrageous ways my kids could get hurt, maimed or killed. There are minimal risks ("just move that table before you jump off the couch"), moderate risks ("you can only climb up to the middle rail if you're going to lean over the boat") and unacceptable risks ("don't put the drape cord around your neck"). The unacceptable one is always met with rejection, a lot of "but whys" and at times pure defiance, resulting in grabbing, pulling, redecorating or outright banishment. There are certain times when this game is heightened, usually because of two things - when confronted with the unknown, and when others leave you alone to deal with that confrontation. And when this one two punch works in tandem, it could expose you as a complete and utter wimp. My punches came in the woods of Montana.

We are bumping along in the truck with my wife's seven year-old nephew towards what could be the highlight of my young son's life and the worst nightmare of mine. As we approached Paul's house, Tom, with complete sincerity and sternness, says "Jon, I should let you know there are bears out here, so keep an eye on the kids when we’re outside." My head jerks up, hoping he was joking, but he did not break character. So I eked out an "Ok" that, let's just say, lacked the confidence that one might be looking for from a parent. So the game was afoot and Death had made its presence felt. The images begin. Let's call it "a horrible mind," as it starts racing to all of the things that I read, saw or heard about bears and how to avoid them or, worst case scenario, defend yourself against them. The major points that I remembered were "be still and hope they don't approach you but never...never run. And if mauling is about to happen....fight like hell." So I am ready to give myself up for my son, already preparing for the mauling, hoping the bear starts high and ends it quickly. I activated my spidey sense, constantly scanning the area. If we were in New York I would be completely aware of my surroundings. I would know where the best pizza place is within three blocks or where the nearest New York Sports Club is in case I had a bathroom emergency. I could even break down suspicious characters and know if I needed to cross the street at any moment. But here, it was just complete, helpless paranoia.

We arrived at Paul’s, immediately unloaded our gear (that's right I said gear) and headed out to the stream. We are all business at this point. And speaking of business I had to be on a conference call with a client about twenty-minutes into our angling. Although I was in one of the most peaceful and beautiful parts of the country, I was feeling more stress at this moment then I've felt being stuck on the Southern State Parkway on a Friday in August trying to catch a 6:30 ferry to Fire Island, probably the most stressful feeling a New Yorker can have. This is not what "A River Runs Through It" was trying to convey. We walked down to the stream, which was teeming with fish...excuse me, brook trout. They were basically falling out of a rock and grass tunnel into the fast moving water, like splashing kids going down a water slide, three and four at a time. This was gonna work. Tom started to bait Charlie's hook and threw the bait to me for mine. This is one of those moments that we all know well. It's the "pretend you know what you're doing so you don't look like an ass even though you don't know what you're doing" moment. If my penis were still around I'd imagine he would look up at me, maybe his Shar Pei like wrinkles would contort to look like folded arms, and say something to the effect of "whatcha got?"

I am an animal lover but I will eat the crap out of pretty much anything, except veal as I'm still shaken by the photo of what "milk fed" really means. But I'm rarely confronted with murder. Okay, it was a worm, but I was ending its life by sticking a sharp hook into its head, or whatever they call it. Once I realized that my son was staring at me, there was no turning back. "Daddy, are you going to kill that worm?" Then I remembered, the worm doesn't die, it wriggles and taunts. The fish does the killing. That's the whole point. I was exonerated. "Well, actually Charz, the worm is alive, the fish does the killing. The worm needs to entice it.” Look at me. I took this awkward, uncomfortable moment and turned it into a lesson. This is how you grow, as a parent, and as a man. As I glowed with pride, Charlie looked at me, blinked a couple of times and said, "so you're just torturing it?"

While I was playing Mengele, completely mangling this poor worm, Tom had already caught two fish, Charlie immediately running over and reminding him that this was catch and release, needing visual evidence that they were thrown back. Eventually it was time for Charlie to get his fish. The plan was for Tom to actually catch it on the hook and quickly pass the rod to Charlie. I had to hold onto Charlie so the quarter pound fish didn't pull my twig of a son into the "crick." Tom felt a bite, gave me the signal and it was like clockwork. Charlie grabbed the rod, pulling and fighting the fish. I helped him reel it in and there it was, flopping around. Everyone celebrated Charlie's first fish. But within 30 seconds, Charlie realized something. "Grandpa, now I want to catch my own fish." The boy is no dummy. He knew what we did and this was not him catching a fish. We threw the imposter first fish into the shallow water and headed for the back-up plan, the stocked pond.

As they moved our operation to the pond, I hopped on my conference call. So here I am in a clearing in the woods of Montana, always on the look out for bears while also trying to capture Charlie's ultimate moment, yet I need to discuss the end messaging for our commercial for Fruit2day, a unique fruit juice experience; real fruit juice blended with real fruit bits, that's right bits, don't say chunks, because that would be gross.

Paul created a funnel from the creek to a pond, basically the bottom pool of the water park, where the kids pop up, slightly discombobulated, before they say they want to do it again. But there was no way out of this water park. The fish just accumulated there. Easy pickings. I finished up the call and raced down to the pond. We threw our lines out and the biting began immediately, everyone was pulling up fish, and then Charlie got a bite of his own. Tom helped Charlie stabilize and they reeled it in slowly, the fish fighting, Charlie battling (okay he was just holding the rod but he felt the fish) and then they pulled it in. He was thrilled, but not so thrilled that he forgot the golden rule. So after two minutes of glory, we threw our prize back in the pond, to live another day and tell his side of the story.

Having accomplished our goal it was time to head back to Paul's house and have some celebratory ice cream. We walked up the slight hill, the boys chasing frogs as Paul began boasting about an elk he just had stuffed (taxidermied?). He had to show Tom, and Tom was excited to see it, as if they were ten and Paul told him he just got a Mickey Mantle rookie card. So we got to the house and entered through the basement, which was filled to the gills with stuff, man stuff; oily rags, fishing reels detached from their rods like dug up skulls, hunting magazines and half finished projects everywhere. It was similar to the lair of Jaime Gumb, the killer in The Silence of the Lambs, only with better light and a more stable, civilized, less pre-op transexual, psycho killer vibe. My penis would look around, take a deep breath and say to me "now this is what I'm talking about. Get your notebook out young lady because you're going to school." They could do an entire Final Destination chapter in this room. Final Destination 9: Paul's Basement. Or if they decided to do an Off-Broadway version this would be the set. It would be tough to find a square inch of that room that wasn't wrought with danger of one shape or another. A wrench hanging off the edge of a counter, a knife left on a coffee table like it was a forgotten piece of toast, canisters of poisons, powders, cleaning fluids...just a death trap. So this prompted a reaction of protection for my son. The first step was corralling, basically keeping at least one hand on my child at all times. That could mean holding his hand, to an arm around his shoulder or, in this case, the two-shoulder-I'm-driving-and-you're-on-autopilot-mode.

As I controlled Charlie through the maze of death, the kids got their ice cream and we sat at the counter, thumbing through Fishgutting Illustrated, when Paul invited Tom upstairs to look at the elk head. As they headed up, Paul remembered something, stopped on the third stair and casually turned to me as if he were going to say something like, "Oh Jon, the paper towels are under the sink" or “help yourself to the lemonade in the fridge". But he didn't say those things. What Paul said, in a throwaway manner, was "Oh Jon, keep the kids away from the guns...they're all loaded." I watched as they continued up the stairs and squeaked out an even more lackluster "Ok." I now had a much bigger problem than the bears. Death was not only present but it was now in the same room, and potentially in many places of the room. Instantly my mind Googled and downloaded the thousands of stories I had heard about kids shooting themselves, their siblings, their friends, their parents and their cousins with guns found lying around the house. Paul had no idea who he was dealing with. Maybe he thought I was the type of man who can grab a gun, disassemble it, reassemble it blindfolded, click the barrel open and dump the ammo out in seconds flat. These are the men he's used to and that's the norm to him. But not this guy. It would be like me saying to Paul if he wanted to get from my house to Madison Square Garden - "Oh, just take the F to the A or C. No problem." Maybe Tom should've given Paul a little shake of the head or a whisper, ”He's not really a man”. But alas there was no help coming. This was the test. It was me against Montana. So I had to break down what he said, "they're all loaded." All as in more than one but as many as....a hundred and fifty seven? Couldn't he have said "they're both loaded" and at least looked in the direction of the three-foot pile of newspapers or the chainsaw leaning against the rocking chair? Just some numerical or geographical clue. My eyes scanned the room, and I could hear the Steve Austin vision SFX kick in di-di-di-di-di-di, but I couldn't find one, much less all, of the loaded guns. So after my five-second moment of scouting, I did what any man would do when confronted with a life or death situation, I avoided it head on. "Boys, let's eat our ice cream outside” (so we don't drip on all of Paul's loaded guns). I escorted them outside, still looking back into the room, as if the loaded guns were sneaking up on us, plopped the boys down in some chairs and got back to scouting for bears.

Looking out onto the vast, wide open, death ridden space I felt good, comfortable, confident, almost at home. Charlie caught a fish, I sold through a tagline ("a new way to eat fruit") and avoided a horrific front page news story ("penis-less New Yorker watches as five-year-old son shoots seven-year-old cousin with one of all of Paul's loaded guns"). I imagined something coming over the hill. It probably was nothing but in my mind it was my dick returning to me, balls in tow, preparing for a tearjerker of an ending. Loving me for who I am, as a father and as a man. This was not a horror movie anymore. This was a romance. And if it were a bear charging over that hill it should do the running because I was ready to fight like hell.

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