#i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bonegard · 7 years

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i am so fucking tired

while i was hopping off the computer i got some asks for the outfit meme thing so i told my bro to hold on a sec so i can see what they said, not even to reply to them but just click the inbox button and he flippe dthe fuck out and screamed about how i dont ever do anything but sit on my ass all day and im so fucking pissed so tired so very fukcing tired im not even pissed anymore actually

uts hjust like idk

numb and sad and hurt cause he legit doesnt even know what i do everyday except for the 7 hours after school hes awake and during that time i wither am relaxing after doing other stuff all day or doing his chore (vacuuming) if i didnt have tie earlier in the day or doing dishes. mom usually does dishes in the morning and i usually do them at night unless she asks my dad to do it, which is rare

i have been sick for the last two weeks and last week 5/7days last week i had a fever and 5/7 of those days we were also in town for moms doctor visits, waking up at as early as 6am to get her to appointments while im running a fever cause shes not allowed to go by herself in case she has a heart problem, a stroke, or has a lapse of memory and dad works and so i go so bro goes to school and dad can work ive been fucking sick for 2 weeks and this week ivent had fevers (except a mild one rn) and ive still been doing almost as much as i normally do and i ‘dont do anything but sit on my ass all day’

liek lets see my schedule (with some fluctuation) wake up around 9am, make breakfast, relax for a little so i have time to brace myself for the rest of the day (depressions a bitch yo) check messages is done during this time, do dishes if mom does, sometimes make mom breakfast as well, clean bathroom, vacuum about every 3-4 days, wash my laundry, water the dogs, do lunch dishes and make lunch, then rest a bit, then help mom with whatever she needs. Some days its washing dogs, some days its cooking dinner, sometimes its helping with more dishes if its really bad. Also gotta dust once every other week or so (sometimes longer) thats not liek a ton, but when there are 3 people in the house and m brother and dad DO NOT clean up after themselves it gets to be a ton, esp regarding dishes cause theyll drink out of at least 3 glasses a day. They dont clean up any kleenex tehy use, jsut toss it on the table or counter. No to mention making sure mom doesnt lose track of what shes doing cause she forgets what shes doing a lot. try and do commission randomly throughout the day when i have access to the computer

like over all thats prolly not even a lot but when its a struggle jsut to get out of bed in the morning when all you want to do is kinda disappear and not wake up, its kind of a lot. especially these last few weeks being sick with strep and the worst case of allergies march and april can give you. ive legit only been able to go to my actual paid job one day in the last 5 weeks cause Ive been sick and moms doctors appointments.

most of the money i make these days is from commissions which i dont eve nget a lot of and i still have to pay for my phone somehow cause we need it just in case of emergencies while mom adn i are away from the house ( in town or rabbit shows) and i have to buy food and such for myself when out of town so not to overload mom and dad with extra spending. Also gave mom 75 dollars recently to help her not have an huge overdraft and to pay for gas which she finished paying off yesterday but had to buy food so im not at 68$ and just ugh. I cant hold a job if i cant go to one to take care of mom.

im so tired of everyone not appreciating what i do and being called lazy

liek maybe i am lazy and i jsut think this is a lot of work when bro screamed about me doing nothing but sit on my ass all day, dad didnt disagree cause he thinks the same thing, but im all day with mom so shed know if i was or not and she didnt stand up for me either and always talks about how no one does anything around the house but her

idk maybe i really am lazy and just think i do a lot

idont really have a job other than one or rarely two days a week as long as mom doesnt have doctors appointments maybe i really am really lazy and im just taking up space here

im just so damn tired i jsut want to not exist for a while or just move out but i have no where to go and then even if i did i wouldnt have money to get there or get my stuff there and eve nif i did and had a place and money and everything. like if a person just offered to bu me a house in my name where i want to lived and all my stuff there and the money to live off of until i find a job i would regret it cause im worried abut my mom my dad has to work and my bro has school so i need to be here to watch over her so she doesnt have health shit without anyone knowing and so shes not driving alone and just.

thats another thing i do that i apaprently dont do. sacrifice pretty much my dreams and day to watch over mom so dad and bro can still do their own life shit. if i wasnt here dad would be freaking all day worrying about mo and be taking off every day she has an appointment and he and the family cant live or pay anything if he doesnt work as much as he can

jsut because i dont go to work or school everyday and do hard labor shit outside and i make money doing things i like doesnt mean i dont do anything or that im laz. im depressed and just trying as hard as i can. but of course that isnt enough. not for my parents, my family, society or anything. i legit cannot make a living with all these fuckign things building up and im so close to jsut suffocating under it all. i know a few of you will prolly try and change my mind or reassure me about not being lazy or whatever, and thanks, but you legit dont even know how i function just what i say and for all i know i can be deluded in what i do. you dont have any proof other than my words which isnt much of proof

ugh i dont even know how to tell y therapist all the issues and probles and stresses i have, esp not in a 60 minute slot. No way doing it without crying and i dont cry in public im a humiliation enough as is. But hey at least i can tell her theres been a change in my life: ivent felt suicidal for over almost 4 years until today

#personal #negative

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