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#i'm so glad i got therapy and medication and a million second chances
charliespringverse · 3 months
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not to be dramatic but i was so unhappy for so many years and these days i'm more likely to get hit with a middle-of-the-night wave of excitement and love instead of a middle-of-the-night wave of dread . i fought my way out of the dark and there actually was light on the other side?????
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udekai · 1 year
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Murderdock Analysis
Okay, I'm sorry this even exists. It's a long one, boys. It's a very. Very. Long one. absolute dumptruck under the cut
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“Dying for applause.” Is that a part of it? Stick likely taught him to kill, but The Hand raised him to be merciless. They drove home the point that the strong survive, noted at the end of this scene. They made him fight for everything, likely tooth and nail, in an attempt to make him stronger, and he excelled at it, but he never got applause for that, did he? He says later that “as any parent would do, they sent me away.” He did everything they asked and more and all it did was make them afraid of him. He hasn’t known an ounce of kindness, pride, or understanding since his parents died. How much of this is a performance to impress someone, literally anyone who might look at his work and for once say “well done”? It seems like the kind of role that Wilson Fisk might have filled.
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“I need somebody to know.” Know what, how the world wronged you? Look at you, taking the first steps that would normally be done in therapy. It’s a shame the guy listening can’t/won’t help you because you’ve impaled him. Given how few panels are between this and Jack’s murder, I have to assume not much time had passed. Wiki says Jack felt mounting pressure to pay medical bills, and I know those can last for literally lifetimes, but I feel like the stress would be freshest closer to the accident, hence the stupid decisions. 
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Get a load of this shit. You see that fuckin nine year old? That is Jack Murdock’s doing and this is now a Jack Murdock hate post, at least E-65 Jack Murdock. Matt is literally in the gym with him when he’s murdered. Did he not think for one single second that maybe having your son with you while you’re waiting for people to kill you might endanger him? Jack Murdock failed this boy so bad. This is almost on par with a murder-suicide. Was that it? Was Jack so broken about the death of his wife that he thought they should all die together? Was he simply so negligent that he didn’t consider they might also kill his son? Or was he so prideful that he thought he would be able to stop them when they came? If Matt hadn’t been put in a position where his father let him die, he might have come out closer to a Netflix!Matt, but no. He had to meet Stick in the most vulnerable seconds of his entire life. Over the course of a few minutes, this boy went from orphan straight to child soldier and that is 100%, unquestionably Jack Murdock’s fault. 
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Right into the manipulation with this kid. Just take him while he’s in the most emotionally fragile state and tell him that the way to solve it is by killing people. Tell him that he’s special and use this as ammunition. Tell him he’s the best weapon, and that he would be selfish to turn down the opportunity to act like it. Make sure he never aspires to be anything else. Tell him how fortunate he is to have met you. I hate him and I’m glad he got stabbed. 
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Fucking Christ, what is he here, like 13? I hate Stick, but I will give him credit for being the last person in Matt’s life who would ever in a million years give him credit for doing a good job. At least in this universe, I’m seeing a manipulative sack of shit that at least pretends to care about Matt’s wellbeing sometimes, and that’s more than can be said for the rest of his life. 
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Mourning trauma 2, the squeakquel. That’s fine, just kill father figure #2. Matt really needed another excuse not to get attached to people, you can tell by how happy he’s been up until this point. The world really took everything he had from him, and then found more. 
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Yeah, see, he’s repeating my point back to me. “Stick could see… He has nothing left. Nothing to fear. Nothing to hide. Without a life to cage him, he can be anything.” This is where the little bastard finally broke, I think. Had he continued under Stick, would he be functional? Fuck no! But he might have stood a chance of one day stepping down. Now, he’s committed, because from the second they laid eyes on him, the first thing these people thought was “this thing’s going to be great at killing people.” This is where Matthew Murdock gave up hope of being anything but a murderer, because nobody saw anything else in him. No soul, no heart, not even potential intelligence. Just a weapon. I’m glad he killed as many of you as he could. This is where he realized he was, and always would be, alone. 
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Did he see them as a family? Did they fuckin make him kill his first lover? How bitter he must have been, knowing he gave everything he had to this cult, this fucked up, bloody found family, only for them to fear him for doing exactly as they asked. “I am something more than they could ever understand.” Even here, he’s an outsider. He doesn’t have allies, just sponsors. Even with all the power in the world, he had nothing at all.
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This is a man who had everything he could possibly want, and found it lacking. He wasn’t alone because he was too powerful, he was alone because everyone in his life since Maggie’s death ensured it. He believes himself to be all-powerful. He sought every opportunity to grab more, because he forgot that there were other things. The idea that there may be something else to want besides more control doesn’t exist in his mind, because it has not been allowed to. The most powerful man alive, and he’s still operating on an arbitrary ruleset ingrained by a system that rewarded emotional disconnect and apathy.
He looks kinda young in that reflection of the first panel, dont he?
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In a moment of hope, he sees a possibility for human connection of any sort, believing that someone who shares his experiences is the only one who could ever know that he had merit once. Who the fuck else would ever believe that he had potential to be a good person? He would literally rather destroy someone to make them understand what he’s been through before he explained it to another human being, because the only method of communication he was ever taught was cruelty. 
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See, this is subtle, here. “Your desires are of no importance.” “Powerful” my pasty white ass. This comic started with him deciding, “No, you know what, you don’t own me, I want a real human connection.” He went about it the wrong fucking way, but please refer back to “Violence is the only thing he’s ever been taught, and therefore the only thing he understands.” This guy was probably 9 years old the last time anyone ever gave a fuck what he wanted. No wonder there’s this obsession with power; it’s obtainable for him and he’s been made to obey. The world has taken everything from him, and The Hand ensured it stayed that way. Power was the only thing Matt ever stood a chance of taking back, and this is him realizing that even that wasn’t doable so long as he was still cooperating. It was probably shortly before he met Gwen that he realized that he had been manipulated his entire life, and there was never anything he could have done about it. 
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He's addicted to control, because it's something he hasn't had for most of his life. He wants somebody to stop him because then the failure won’t be his fault. He can forgive himself for losing against a worthy opponent, but backing down has never been an option. He’s always wanted out, but even if The Hand allowed its people to retire (doubt), he can’t do that. I consider most of his goading Gwen later in the comics to be suicide attempt #2. 
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This and the panel with little tiny Murderdock all curled up in a ball are enough to make me go completely insane. It’s telling that he considers this a connection. My meow meow in christ, you deserve better. Not because I think he has many redeeming qualities, but because he’s a human being. 
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Because what did Jack’s code of honor get Matt? A lifetime alone, full of servitude and trauma, that’s right. 
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Is he tho? Yes, he's pulling the strings here, but he's also not allowed to drop them.
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This has major “Oh, shocker, Daddy’s disappointed in me. Again.” energy. Look at that face. He knows they’re going to try to kill him, and he’s counting on Gwen to do it first. 
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I think Matt was interested in George Stacy’s decision for more than just his obsession with Gwen. I think he had an academic interest to see if Jack’s mistake was one that any idiot would make. If Jack were alive, and he renounced Matt for what he's become, I don't think Matt would give two shits, because what's his opinion worth? But if Jack still loved him anyway, which I think is more likely, then we get something spicy. Then Matt has to make peace with the fact that Jack loved him, but his pride was still worth more. I bet Matt’s thought about that before, and maybe he’s interested in knowing if every man’s pride is worth more than their child’s life. 
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I know this is actually a pretty pragmatic thing for Matt to tell him, but I am once again pointing to how nobody has given a shit what Matt wants for years, too busy trying to keep him occupied in a way that’s conducive to The Hand’s purposes. (Or Stick’s. And honestly, probably Fisk’s. And even more honestly? Jack’s. See: no dont go outside ever, you need to go to law school). I’d also point to the fact that Matt expects nobody to ever understand him. If he told someone his side, would they care? Would anyone care?
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Okay, I’m still stuck on this. Did Matt see The Hand as a family? A fucked up, brutal, broken family? Because it’s easy to read this as a pride thing, right: “Not them.” Not them, as in “I don’t want them to win” or not them, as in “I want to pretend I was important”? Because it’s not like The Hand is going to purposely draw out his death. If they had it their way, they would make it quick. Why is it so important that Gwen does it? This doesn’t look like the face of a man who wants his apprentice to kill him so she understands bloodlust. He would look a little more hopeful if that were the case; no, this guy’s begging, or as close as he gets to it. 
Or is it justice? Is this the sense of justice that lives in every Matt Murdock in every universe? Because dying by The Hand is just another death, rather than vengeance as Gwen is owed? Maybe Matt’s so cynical in this universe that justice has never been served. He’s certainly never witnessed it. Maybe he wanted Gwen to stop him so bad, because even if he had to be the bad guy, at least he would know that in isolated incidents, justice still existed.
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tearing my hair out tbh
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