#idk it’s stupid apparently there’s a shit ton of damage and that’s freaking me out because i literally love my room so much it’s my favorit
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basement is flooding 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 :(((
#my most favorite magical amazing silliest place in the universe (my room) is in the basement :(#it’s not like Actually flooding but Someone (we don’t know who. might be our new neighbor.) turned on the hose outside and just. left it on#and the water leaked into our basement and into the walls and shit. there was a huge pool of water in the furnace room or whatever it’s#called and. there water literally underneath the floor. like literally water is leaking through the floor boards and i found out when i sat#on my rug and realized i was getting all wet. like i literally walked across my room and water was seeping through the cracks of the floor#water was EVERYWHERE#in like over half the basement. the floor of the main area is ruined i think and holy shit apparently like the inside of the walls or#foundation or whatever is so like wet and soggy that we might have to take out the entire wall that separates my room and the furnace room#and if we have to do that my stepdad says he’ll just remodel the entire basement while we’re at it. which means my room would basically be#gone. this is so fucking stupid#all because some idiot left the hose on. and we don’t even know who it is either. i think it’s our new neighbor because he kinda just#comes to our house a lot and talks to us or just hangs out in our yard. and sometimes he shows up when none of us are home#idk it’s stupid apparently there’s a shit ton of damage and that’s freaking me out because i literally love my room so much it’s my favorit#place to be ever and all my friends call it the autism room because it’s filled with all my favorite things#like my walls are bright neon lime green i got collections and shit i’ve got minecraft posters and like a million plushies everywhere#my room is literally so autism coded#ANYWAY. probably nothing will happen but yeah#side note i have a shit ton of asks to answer and tag games to catch up on and stories to read but i’ve had literally zero spoons lately#i’m gonna play minecrafttttt (in the process of building a pc so soon i’ll be able to get mc java!!! excited about that!!!!)#wyrms says stuff
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September 23, 2017 1:57am
I decided to withdraw from school to go to detox and rehab then hospital. Then maybe to an outpatient program? I don't want to do an outpatient program though because honestly, every time I look at my body I just freak out. And I know when I go awAy they'll make me eat which I've been debating for over a year. Honestly that's one of the only reasons why I haven't gone. They make you eat. They weigh you every day and the last time I was in hospital they made me drink ensure throughout the day. Thankfully I had Mandy, who taught me that straws make it easier to drink, and that if I feel like I'm gonna throw up, she showed me the plants I could pour the rest of the ensure In. Last time I went to hospital I gained like 8 lbs because they took away my diet pills and laxatives, and I couldn't puke anymore, they watched me eat. I had to. I can't look at my body. It's disgusting and hideous and damaged. Dysfunctional. It's gotten worse. It's not just sad or panic anymore, it's like whenever I see pictures of myself that others have taken or if I look in the mirror too long I start to dissociate. And people use dissociating as such a causal term which pisses me off so much. It's not just zoning out. It's where you're no longer connected to reality. I can't even look in the mirror long enough to do makeup. I have to take breaks. If I stare at myself too long I start to see stars. And everything blurs and it's like I'm sitting in a crowded room of people but I'm not in my body. I've had so many out of body experiences recently. Where I'm literally not in my body because I get so anxious about just stupid shit like how big my thighs are. And whenever I feel my arms touch my ribs I want to scream and rip out all my hair. I know there are more important problems. And I want to get better, but I want to be 75lbs so badly. It's the most fucked up thing. I'm prepared to go to detox, get clean and go through alcohol withdrawals. I've lost so many friends. I'm so out of control. And the one way I feel power is through this. The week before I decided to drop out I had one of the best nights I had in a while. I saw one of my favorite bands, Andrew Jackson jihad, and I hadn't eaten for probably 3 days and I felt so powerful and in control. I could see how hollow I looked. I lost 5 lbs in 4 days. And I felt like I could do it again, be thin again. I had a lot of fun that night. And I went out to eat that night and had something to eat and had a tiny bit to eat and immediately felt so full. I felt so good. I felt so good all that night. I mean I was happy from the concert and good company anyway, but the feeling of not eating at all and going to bed, knowing that in a few hours when you step on the scale, the number will have dropped so much. That week I felt so much power and confidence. I went to a movie with friends the next night and I looked at myself in the mirror. I was weak and I could hardly get out of my friends bed. But Before I left I went to splash water on my face and run water over my wrists since I was having heart palpitations. Something I haven't had since I was like 84 80 ish lbs... but I looked at myself for the first time for a while. I looked completely hollow. The bags under my eyes were protruding like watercolor clouds. My bones were sticking out and my skin was dull and pale. I looked like a corpse. A walking corpse. But when I smiled my teeth were even whiter and my cheekbones looked higher. Looking down at my stomach I noticed there wasn't any bulbous flesh that left lumps under my sweater. And it's scary. Wanting to be completely diminished. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. And I don't know why I want this. And why whenever I'm upset about something I self punish by binging, eating massive amounts of food. Then I get more upset about that and then spiral I've been spiraling for so long. Binging. Starving. Fuck. I've also been told that I'm a manipulative bitch, people think I'm manipulative. I was really happy I was making friends with people and really happy I could still be friends with my ex's friends but, apparently a ton of people, most of them, think I'm toxic, they think I'm manipulative. They don't trust me. They think I'm a monster. And I know I'm a destructive bitch but not in the ways they think. Mental illness appears a lot in the early 20's and he knows that and he's told me that and I know that and I know it's not all my fault. But it's my fault for oversharing. For trusting these people. For telling them I have borderline personality disorder and anorexia nervosa. And they googled bpd. And I know what comes up when you look up that. You get articles about how you should never date someone with bpd, or how people with bpd are manipulative monsters, or you'll just get the whole fucking screenplay of fatal attraction, or who's afraid of Virginia Wolfe. There's nothing else. I can't convince them I'm sane. My friends, have seen me when I thought they were asleep. They've seen me break down fucking sobbing, ripping my hair out. How the fuck can they ever see me as I want them to see me. I want them to see me as normal. They can think I'm fucked up. But having depression is one thing. Having a personality disorder that's constantly labeled as "the devils illness" is a whole other thing. And idk how to deal with it. I want it to go away. I wish it could leave. I wish I could be happy more than anything. I wish I could eat and not feel guilt. But I also wish I was 70lbs. I wish people could understand that personality disorders are hard, but that I'm not a psycho bitch. That I have a ton of empathy. That I'm always there for anyone who needs help. That my manipulation doesn't come from evil or psychopathy, but from the fAct that I can't ask for anything. I haven't been able to ask for anything because I was always punished for it, and because I'm so scared of abandonment, I don't want to lose anyone I'll do anything and I'll try to make them stay. I'm so fucked up I wish I was dead I want to be dead but I see too much beauty in people and the world and I want to help. That sounds so fucking dumb and selfish and godlike. Honestly, I want to die so badly. But I cant keep just doing that. I can't keep trying to die. It never works, and in the end I just end up more upset that my 13th attempt failed yet again. I don't want to die I'm equally scared of death as I am of living. I don't know what death is like and I never will fully. But being close to it sucks. And I'm going through so much shit that I know that if someone tries to save me that another failed attempt won't be worth it. Plus. I've had days where there are small things that make me ant to cry because of their beauty. The stars I looked at the other night made me feel so small and so insignificant and less alone, the sunlight through a windowsill, a moth dancing along a light, my best friend giving me a hug, knowing all the shit all the garbage he's been through I wish I could take it all away, wishing I could be what he wants me to be my best friend hugging me telling me he loves me. Those things make death seem like the more scary option I think
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