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andaniellight · 2 years

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ANYWAYS. anyways, love in or as a second chance is so good. so fucking good it’s so tragic sometimes. it honestly hit me harder than i expected: i survive on a second chance / i feel your love second-hand / it's someone else's flowers on the table / but I don't mind. it’s been years since i (no. not) killed your wife, and i spent every waking hour of re-evaluating the decision i made that day. i went to school for years to be like you (to be like who i used to), and it’s not merely a childhood dream of mine to be amongst the clouds. but. despite the never-ending recalculation; of whether i made the very right one to save all those people, still your wife wouldn’t come back to you.

and i am so sorry. i didn’t kill her, and what i did was not wrong, i swear. i’ve said it so many times, have reassured it countless of times. in the papers stained with my signature. in front of you, until i fell on your feet and they had to drag you away and the glass doors near snapped from swinging so harshly. on the side shore the first time my daughter’s habit on scratching her arm slipped from my mind so i had to wipe off the dots of blood from it much later. i am still sorry even though i knew it. i am still sorry you had to resent me, packed it all in just for yourself to drown in it. i am sorry you must’ve known this too. i am sorry i still wouldn’t turn back time to trade all those lives just to bring her back to your home.

i did not...kill your wife. and my daughter has been asking about how you doing after i told the world about the consequences of my action. even after all the terror, hours of me almost losing you as well, i wonder if it would change your heart even just the slightest back then: to see the somber adoration my daughter had for your wife’s bravery, all pouring in her eyes and gentle mending. back then, she’s so much younger. so much smaller. yet all she did was telling me, “isn’t that what confused people usually do, dad? aren’t you good at making me not confused anymore? why don’t you try with him too?”

i don’t think my daughter has known you that deep. i remember only once, before that tragedy, she ever met you, and yet she couldn’t just forget about how kind you looked, how i allowed you, a stranger to her, to give her sweets from your front pockets. maybe my wish and my ex-wife's hope for her to be an excellent girl takes a root in her soul way too quickly, because she believed you can be reasoned for this sentimental issue. she believed that you’re a good man, just like her dad, if not more. that’s also probably why i kept dreaming about you around darkest hours before dawn sometimes even though i started to become exhausted of crying in guilt. that’s probably why i kept this ache in my heart every time i hear airplanes overhead, and tried my hardest to not think about you. the less smile framing your young, tired face. that red rage you spat on me out of the office before i left.

i almost couldn’t remember your laugh, you know. can you even believe that? you used to smile easily, speak so warmly even the morning sun would sometimes feel ashamed. and for some reasons, even though i know i did not kill your wife, it still - breaks my heart to even try not to think about you. to even try felt so impossible to me, do you hear me? i felt like i lost more than i could save, i often wondered: what have you done to me? and it's only repeating back at me, too, in your ghostly voice: what have you done to me?

at the end of the day, my daughter was right, of course. it is already such brightest luck ever to be given a second-chance for me in my life. but when it comes from you? you did more than that. you forgave me. you forgave me, even when you weren't there when i made that decision, resulting your wife's sacrifice. you forgave me, and you wanted something to blame. someone to carry those painful wounds inside instead of you, and you chose me. you couldn't help but to choose me, and i understand. just like i couldn't help but to submit to this homesickness that has been occupying my mind since the last time i saw you, i understood. since the last time i saw our city from above the clouds, i kept saying i did nothing wrong, i did all i could, because within my heart i know i should be the one enduring the pain that has taken your warmth from yourself. i kept denying that homesickness just to endure it since last time you softened your features just to look at me from next to you trying to breach critical eleven.

now look at me. i think i'm going to fall on your feet again after all this, if you want me to. the stretchers and oxygen tubes weren't enough for everyone even though the cars are all over the place, but i had to be strong for my little girl. i'm sorry i couldn't follow you to the same hospital to tell you that you will be okay. i promise the next time i show up at your door, i will no longer bring someone else's flowers. promise me the next time i fall on your feet you don't have to even smile at me to say 'i forgive you'. i am promising my daughter so many things as she recovers so very closely to you, and allowing her to help me help you to be on your feet again will be one of them.

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pbpsbff · 25 days

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20 Questions (for fanfic writers)

got tagged by @fieldsofview :)) (and probably someone else. i have a draft of this from november. oops.)

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 47 as of yesterday:)

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 190,927

3. what fandoms do you write for? i've bounced around a lot of fandoms since i was like, 10, but since august 2022 i've been strictly writing for mcu spider-man (technically more leaning toward irondad, but. u know). with this in mind however, i have a couple 9-1-1 wips and am about one bad day away from writing big time rush fanfiction

4. top five fics by kudos: Peter Parker's Guide to: Texting, Twitter, and Tony Stark (2,110 kudos)

Everything's Coming Up Potatoes (439 kudos)

Is That a Potato in Your Pants, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? (422 kudos)

If You Give a Guy a Potato, He's Going to Ask You on a Date (401 kudos)

be mean to me (if you need to be mean) (331 kudos)

5. do you respond to comments?

...

i try my best. i genuinely have no idea how it's gotten this bad (if i ignore your comment please don't take it personally—i forgor)

6. what is your fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? oh god i don't have anything w/ a sad ending posted LOL i'm too much of a sucker for a happy ending. (i do have mcd in my drafts tho!!!)

maybe 15. There It Is Again, That Funny Feeling? It's more of a hopeful ending, but considering the context of the story entirely, it's pretty sad.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? every single fic in the series All's Fair in Love and Potatoes. this series is my happy place amongst all the death and despair on my account

8. do you get hate on fics? besides the hate i receive from sapoteylx? no

9. do you write smut i do! it'll never see the light of day but i do!

10. craziest crossover: i hate crossovers sorry guys. on my old ao3 tho i wrote a heathers au hamilton fic and that's probably the closest i'll ever get to one (unless we're counting r&r? since it's technically twd universe?) also this one time (i was 11. keep this in mind) i read a fic that was tagged jacob sartorius/bob duncan and i think about it daily

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not???

12. have you ever had a fic translated? NO but that would be so cool. i have some regular commenters that tend to comment in spanish and i'm always wondering if it would be easier for them if i had it translated but i only speak engish. idk fic translators are gods gift to writers i fear

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? i cowrote a hamilton chatfic in 2018. next question

14. all time favorite ship? every peter parker ship ever (excluding all the minor/adult ones). big sambucky and pepperony fan too tho

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have this wip that's like, peter agrees to go undercover for a mission because they need info from some big bad guy and peter is obviously the least recognizable of the bunch, but he gets kidnapped and all that good stuff. idk if i'll ever get around to finish it, because it's like 9 planned chapters and that is SO ambitious for me.

also my cellist!peter au? i've been trying to write it but the words haven't come to me idk

16. what are your writing strengths? ooooo i think i'm good at realistic dialogue and character dynamics—i have spent hours of my life on fandomwiki looking at different character's quotes and watching videos of their interaction with other characters because that's something so important to me.

i think i'm good at balancing angst and humor too?? idk the walking dead really shaped my writing style because u can have a silly scene and then 2 seconds later someone is dead on the floor. hope to carry that vibe through everything i do.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? i am so bad at describing settings and character actions. i can always see the scene in my mind but on paper it turns into they are at a house. peter sits down in the chair, and is sad. and it gets to a point where i just give up on trying to fix it

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? ough if i ever write dialogue in another language i'll be consulting someone who speaks said language (which is what i actually have done!!!! i have a fic coming out soon w a spanish title and i asked aster-argent for help:)). or doing the thing people do where they just put the text in italics and write ," he said in spanish or some shit.

idk for the most part i stay away from it (ignoring the throwaway, casada harley joke i make in my parkner series) because at the end of the day i am a white girl who learned how to count to 10 in spanish because of dora and took 3 years of german.

19. first fandom you wrote in? ok so. i was 11 and on quotev, writing a chatfic about the bands twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, and fall out boy. the fic is still up and it makes me nauseous to think about

i think technically i had an ldshadowlady fic out on wattpad before that but it was a blatant ripoff of another fic so. i don't count it

20. favorite fic you've written? i think this answer changes every day, and will change when i get my next group of fics out, but as of right now—

i'll put down my roots when i'm dead i'm just so proud of it idk. first time i've ever really met a deadline and probably the most passionate i'd been about getting a fic out since r&r began? i just love the whole thing.

Is Close the Closest Star? this one is definitely a tie with the several other angst oneshots i put out around the same time, but idk something about this fic is so special to me. it's like 6 months old and i know my writing's improved since then, but i'll always go back and reread

okok last one sorry ur making me pick my favorite child. Unrotting Your Insides, Unrooting Your Limbs i am such a sucker for recovery fics sorry. i've written several fics about bulimia but this is my fav because it's just. so soft.

tags

oh god i don't have enough writer friends uhhh @norahdevore. if u have not done this already. i am holding a gun to your head and making you do this (and anyone else reading this. please guys)

#ask game #fic writer ask #shoutout to the person who tagged me lke 6 months ago (pres???)#my bad #im a different person now and that old draft haunts me

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fridayyy-13th · 4 months

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20 questions for fic writers

tysm @three-magpies-in-a-trenchcoat for the tag!!

How many works do you have on Ao3? 4

What's your total Ao3 word count? 13,296

What fandoms do you write for? i used to write for the Hermitcraft fandom, but i've discontinued the one fic i started for it and moved on to The Magnus Archives. i've got a couple story ideas for other fandoms, but idk if they'll go anywhere.

What are your top five fics by kudos? well, i've only got four! but from most- to least-kudosed, there's: - Double Trouble (Hermitcraft, rated G, incomplete multichapter) - Know What Can't Be Shown, Feel What Can't Be Known (TMA, rated T, oneshot) - Time Enough to Spend Some Time Alone (TMA, rated T, oneshot) - Here, Nowhere, Somewhere With You (TMA, rated G, oneshot) and i'm totally not salty my two most kudosed fics are an incomplete work and something i posted at 3am, respectively.

Do you respond to comments? hell yeah! i love answering comments <3

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? gotta say Time Enough, bc it's more refined than its predecessor, Know What Can't Be Shown (man i really need to stop giving my fics such long titles, i always end up shortening them when referring to them). but for reference, both are pre-Unknowing jmart kiss fics; it's a favored headcanon of mine. Time Enough also spends more time musing on how Jon and Martin are feeling—that is, they feel Bad. Absolutely Terrible. sad and scared, both for the Unknowing and for each other.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Here, Nowhere, Somewhere, absolutely. the ending itself is pretty open, but Jon and Martin have reunited post-MAG 200, admitted they still love each other after its events, and found themselves Somewhere Else. it's the most hopeful.

Do you get hate on fics? not yet, thankfully. i'm not a well-known enough author for that lol.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i do not! and i doubt i ever will. props to everyone who does, though.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? i don't really write crossovers, at least none i ever planned to publish, but i do have a couple fusion AUs in the works (that is, taking one story's premise and combining it w/the characters of another). and funnily enough, both are based on songs.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i sure hope not.

Have you ever had a fic translated? no. though if someone offered to, i'd be honored!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? technically? a friend of mine and i made a couple AUs for a few different MCYT fandoms that never really went anywhere, but i've never co-authored something that's made it to publishing.

What's your all time favorite ship? probably jonmartin. i've read a ridiculous amount of fanfic for them, and i think pretty much all my WIPs feature it if both Jon and Martin are there (sometimes i'll make them queerplatonic, and sometimes they'll be part of a poly ship like jongerrymartin, but jmart tends to be pretty Do Not Separate in my mind lmao).

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? ages ago i was reading this one rom-com webcomic where two people wound up as roommates bc the landlord accidentally rented the single apartment to both of them, which i thought was a really cute premise, but then BAM there was some really awful transphobia in it. when called out in the comments, the author doubled down, so i snatched up the concept and decided "i'm gonna make this t4t out of SPITE." but uh i've found spite doesn't work very well as a fuel source for my work, and i can get the same awkward domesticity/mutual pining out of a safehouse fic, so it'll probably just stay buried in the WIPs folder.

What are your writing strengths? dialogue. or at least, making a character's dialogue sound like their voice. vocabulary, things like stammering or using filler words, cutting oneself off or pausing a bunch, that sort of thing. though sometimes the dialogue itself feels a little clunky. i also think i'm rather good at writing emotional scenes, especially once i'm in the editing stage of things.

What are your writing weaknesses? over-editing. my utter beloathed. i sometimes get really caught up in trying to make everything as clear as possible, when that just makes the work 5,000 words too long and takes way more time to do. i'm trying to be better about it.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? i think it's neat! but if you're monolingual you should read up on writing bilingual/multilingual characters beforehand, don't just wing it.

First fandom you wrote for? probably Pokémon? i'm not entirely sure.

Favorite fic you've written? Time Enough, hands-down. (though uh, hypothetically, if i wanted to make some small edits to it, would it be weird to do so? especially seven months after posting? there's a handful of lines i wish i'd phrased a bit differently.)

tags (no pressure!!): @radical-dadical-rafael @dramaticdads @winterswrandomness @ollieofthebeholder @ladydragonkiller @incandescentis @cornmazehater @jewishjon

#tag game #friday's fics #beloved mutuals #magpie tag #re: the edits for Time Enough—i noted them all down a couple months ago #some of them are probably too minor and i won't end up changing them #but others bug me every time i re-read the thing #but also yknow it's been seven whole months and i'm like ''ehhh that's a long time maybe i should just leave it''#so i figured i'd ask you guys & get some second opinions

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kyooongie · 7 months

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YESSSS I think you're talking about for you by spacequokka, I love that one too!!! Btw when you read felon or to be replaced I'd love to hear your thoughts! Oh I feel you though, I have always disliked aff, there's something off putting about it somehow. But I'm so desperate for bbh fics and I've been through all of tumblr and ao3's stocks (I think maybe I'm doing something wrong with ao3 though and accidentally excluding too much from my searches? Because I never find that much there... But I really only filter out fics that ship/pair bbh with the exo members, because I want to be his pairing teehe, so idk) so now I guess I gotta try aff haha. Thinking about how bbh and the rest of exo don't have as much fanfics on here as they used to since they're an older group now makes me so sad

ANON I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH. OMFG. here it is. omg. i am literally asking for ur hand in marriage RIGHT NOW. it is really hard to find reader insert fics on ao3. no shade to anyone on there but yea i feel like the only good fics are member/member T__T i dont really have member ships in exo anymore (however middle school olive: massive sekai fan) so yea i pre much stick to tumblr. i really enjoy the kinds of fics that are like, real stories, which is definitely harder to find a) off ao3 and b) in what has become a smaller fandom. not exo related but i would consider "to be first, to be best" by kittebasu as one of the best fanfics of all time. im writing fics too but im taking FOREVER bc i want to emulate that style the best i can for reader insert (but that fic is so amazing that i def won't even come close). to every request i have sitting in my inbox im SORRYYYY i will not turn every single one of them into a novella i promise also. i just finished felon. and omfg. I CANT BELIEVE IT ENDS LIKE THAT... NO UPDATE IN 3 YEARS..... i literally threw my phone across the fucking room when baekhyun caught her talking to kyungsoo i freaked the FUCK out lol. and can i just say i would have folded way sooner in her position fgshjfhsjk especially if we're operating under the assumption that its written to be lotto era baekhyun like...... im not that strong..............

#olive #ask #damn what a ride #feeling #EMPTY #this is why i dont read incomplete fics but that was worth

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lemony-snickers · 3 years

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20 [Fanfic Writer] Questions Game

i one thousand percent stole this from @depressedhatakekakashi when i saw it and sat down to answer them all now. i’ll put the whole thing under the cut because it’s l o n g, lol, but i’ll also tag a few folks if they’d like to play along. i’m only going with folks i know have relatively active ao3 accounts off the top of my head. if you wanna play, feel free to steal this shit same as i did. 😂

@myaekingheart @whatshernameis @chemmerson @kakashiswilloffire @kakashi-tsukuyomi

no pressure, obvs, but this was kind of fun! <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

34 + 17 = 51 (plus there’s a few on here i haven’t copied over yet; should probs get on that, lol)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

141,984 + 379,165 = 521,149, most of it from this year.

3. How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

4 – naruto, cowboy bebop, boku no hero academia, justified

4. What are your Top Five fics by kudos?

long fic (just reached 500 – WHAT EXCUSE ME WUT – yesterday) ours (206) nice to meet you (204) when love blooms (159) first (156)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

almost every one. i started in a pretty small fandom and really appreciated the two consistent readers i had who commented on nearly every chapter, so i got in the habit and sort of stuck with it.

6. What fic have you written with the angstiest ending?

idk, i am honestly such a wuss and i think i almost always end with Happiness, lol. maybe what cannot be forgiven? i also have a one-shot that’s sort of sad under my other pseud, but honestly it’s just people growing old, so that’s different.

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

i am gonna go with clan, i think.

8. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

nope. never even wrote an au until january. before that, i wouldn’t even read a fic if it wasn’t strictly adherent to canon. i've grown this year, ya’ll! XD

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no, i don’t think so. i've def been pretty lucky in that i've only ever received VERY FEW slightly rude comments, mostly just nitpicky stuff. definitely no actual hate.

10. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

lol, nope, never even heard of it…

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don’t think so. my stuff isn’t popular enough for such sordidness, lol.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have not. yet.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

izuocha, probs. never been a super shipper or anything, but they’re very adorable and wholesome and i love them very much.

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

honestly? the college au that began my entire smut journey, lol. i basically rewrote a scene from a kakashi/reader fic that made me BIG MAD and thought about how i would write my own college au, but… it hasn’t coalesced yet and i think it’s very clear that one-shots are much more my wheelhouse than multi-chapter fics, unfortunately.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i am gonna go with what i've heard from others because i cannot evaluate myself, lol. i've had people compliment my character development and portrayal of relationships, and i hope that’s true.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

P A C I N G. i will gladly spend 14 pages on a single cup of coffee and then .02 on an action scene. partially because i don’t think i'm very good at describing action and partially because i just have no idea what i'm doing, lolol.

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i haven’t done it much. i have written characters who speak another language, but the story is always told from the perspective of someone who doesn’t understand it. i think i threw in 1 or 2 russian words once, but it was all very obvious from context what they meant, so i didn’t have to provide a translation or anything.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

technically, i posted exactly one chapter of my naruto longfic before anything else. but then it sat untouched for over a year while i wrote 100k+ about u.s. marshalls, lol.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

oof. that's a toughie. probably a fantasy au izuocha one-shot. but of the lemony variety, i think i'll go with the wait is over because i wrote that shit fully for myself, lol.

#lemony snippets #but i'm a fanfic writer!#tag game

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