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spotsupstuff · 2 years

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“Just tell me I cannot be helped.”

“...huh?”

“That is what I’ve been told for long now, Shā lǎoshī.” His forehead meets the ground, legs folded underneath him- all in a neat kowtow.

“You aren’t helpless. Look at me and hear.”

And Six Ear does- slowly pushing himself off the ground to stare at the golden arhat. All his ears are perked up high, the disgusting hateful marks of past’s wounds all out in the open. There’s no point in hiding any of those here.

He is here to be cleansed. By his own rough hands- teacher, said. At least attempt it.

To cultivate.

To mend what is broken within him and what he subsequently broke on the outside. To try better- turn himself all around like a Rubik’s cube so he can dive deep into his own innards and solve himself.

“This is for now only my guess...,” says Shā lǎoshī, a tired sigh in his voice. Six Ear’s hands are shaking and he feels like throwing up. His claws find home in the warm mat underneath him. “But I think the issue lies in how you cling onto things.”

“With due respect, that can’t be true. You are wrong.” Hisses out the sinner, snapping his eyes away.

The golden arhat raises a brow at him. There’s cold in his throat and something is choking him.

“I’m sorry to say.” Apologizes the greater one, for a reason he doesn’t want to understand. “You’ve build yourself upon your bonds. Your hate. Specifically towards your brother. You aren’t able to live without them.” Shā lǎoshī urges.

“Nonsense. I’ve let go of myself so many times. Of course I can let go of the relations whenever.”

“Kissing death a greeting...,” comes a ponder, “feeling your own breath grow cold... That kind of letting go isn’t the same one as the one you need.”

“Teacher, I need you to hear me. I experienced the weakness of spirit,” the moment he realizes he’s started crying feels like a blessing he could liken to an edge of a knife cutting his throat open for the world to see. “I’ve felt the craving after nonexistence. I want to become everything to them, but I know I’m fated to only follow by their footprints in the snow. I’m of the yīn, after all!”

“But not only of yīn. There is so much more to you. There is a choice.”

“I’ve thought of Nirvana with love in my heart and I’ve tried to look away from Saṃsāra. I wish not to see, but I don’t want to tear out my last eye. I’m scared of it. I wish not to hear, but sentenced with six of them as I am- it won’t let me let go. Of what you are- belief-wise- preaches the ability to let go. To be able to die without having to cry of sorrow! Am I not failing already??!”

“Cry- Please, that you can. Keep going.”

“I can’t understand it. This addiction to life, the fear of death clashing with the want of ending it, all so violently it makes me feel like trapped underneath ice of the arctic. The differences of the conscious and unconscious... They make me sick, teacher. But I need them and I can’t stop eating. Teacher, please listen!”

“I’m right here.”

“You shouldn’t be.” The yāoguài spits out and hugs himself tight, crumpling down like paper stars. “I’m sick of this. I don’t want to have to keep on pushing my breath on- it got tiring five hundred years ago. Mèng Pó doesn’t want me to taste forgetfulness. And I don’t want my heart beating on anymore, but I want to be here with myself.”

“Teacher, with all this conflict- I’m aware, I’m aware. One goes against the other and it leaves me confused.”

“That’s because you are still clinging on. Not to life, but to relations. Hear yourself, you always come back to the one kind you are intimately familiar with. You need to venture.”

“But HOW do I LET GO?! HOW CAN I??? I CAN’T EXIST WITHOUT THEIR BODIES!!!”

He slams his fists against the mat. The loud bang echoes through the room and his head. There’s a pressure against it, on the right side of it, directly against his brain. His first death rearing its head to remind him how he shouldn’t be here.

...

The macaque bites down on the pearl hidden underneath his tongue. Dares to take a breath.

“...he could do it. He should’ve. He’s basically already there. Not quite, because I’m still here, but he’s close. Why can’t I? I want to.” He whispers so silently, for a moment he worries teacher might have not even heard. With a sigh and a frown of effort, he relaxes his fists and spreads out his fingers.

“If I am a reflection painted on black seas... I need to follow. I need to cling on. He’s the reason I exist and I hate him for it, because he keeps himself... so... so... far away.”

Shā Dàlì settles a hand on the other’s shoulder. The pressure feels intoxicating. Maybe- if he tried hard enough- he could get himself wasted off it and escape from all of this. What is he even doing here, but making a fool of himself and backtracking on his own words, spinning in circles he can’t seem to understand the structure of?

Cautiously, he looks upwards into teacher’s face, into the soft aged eyes.

“Scream it out.” The arhat whispers to him, compassion for bloodshot eyes playing in the words like mighty embers. “Scream your pain out. I’m listening. I’m here. Let the ugly drip out of you. At least- so you could rest a while afterwards.”

The macaque grimaces but he himself can’t really tell why. Still, he’s shaking even more and feels like he just embraced the covers of his death bed for the seventeenth time.

So he does as he is told-

He vomits the repulsive words that burn his throat as they leave him. He shrieks at the top of his lungs until he can’t go on anymore and then retries once more. Maybe after his vocal cords rupture it will be finally- finally enough.

He needs to feel the internal abuse- get to know it so intimately that he won’t be capable of hiding from it ever again- the one of a neverending circle. The one dancing with the other he himself created out of irrational fear of being left behind. It’s so hard to learn of loving, keep on wanting when he isn’t really supposed to. It all is just asking him to look upon paintings with his eyes half closed and give a final verdict of their worth.

But he needs this. He needs to learn how to detach and yet hold softly. How to not need anything, but still ask of justice for himself.

To look into the faces of his mistakes is a duty he needs to fulfill. It’s like baring his own guts- offering the liver and the stomach of his body to no one, but himself.

He doesn’t want to. But he needs this.

...quietly he admits only to himself... that having Shā lǎoshī pulling him against his own chest in an attempt at comfort when he collapses did more for him than all of the screams.

Maybe he still has the chance to walk to where he is supposed to.

#lmk #// descriptions of gore //#fruit twins au #character analysis #my writing #shpootlin-doodlin #if this doesnt make sense thats okay its not. really supposed to make sense? verbally?#its just a mush of frustrations and thoughts about mortality connected to spirituality and mental health. i think bout that combo a lot #its why i like six as a character. its fun explorin my own world views through him

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stargazing-enby · 5 years

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Drarry prompt: "Well, that's a creative way to say hello..."

Thanks love!

This is a continuation of my one-shot An Enlightening Session.

***

It all happened in a flash. One second Harry was shouting Draco’s name across Diagon Alley, earning all kinds of looks from the people who were enjoying the sunny day in the streets, and the next he was tripping and crashing against Draco with a gasp.

He wanted to check what the heck he’d tripped over, but was distracted by a cold, slimy feeling spreading all over his chest. “Ew, what…?” He tried to put some space between Draco and him, but his legs were not cooperating. Luckily, Draco grasped his forearms and steadied them both.

“My ice cream, that’s what,” Draco deadpanned, looking far too composed for a man whose robes were all covered in blue goo. “That was a creative way to say hello, I’ll give you that. Do try not to ruin my dessert next time, though. It was my favourite flavour.”

Harry took a step back, pulling his soaked shirt away from his chest.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “The Ministry should really start fining people for littering…”

Draco arched an eyebrow at Harry’s lame excuse, then reached for his wand and cleaned both their clothes with a swish, saying, “So what did you want? I hope it was worth the ice cream.”

“Uh… well, not really,” Harry mumbled. “Just — you know, to catch up.”

“Harry Potter catching up? Please. You wouldn’t do that if we hadn’t seen each other in months, and we had coffee together just last Saturday.”

Harry clenched his fists to keep his hands from playing with the hems of his shirt. “Yeah, coffee,” he quickly corrected himself. “That’s what I meant. We should have coffee.”

“Right now?” Draco chuckled.

“If you’re free.”

Draco shook his head. “Whatever it is just spit it, Potter. Preferably while walking — I’d like to buy a few books before Flourish and Blotts closes today. And yes, silly, we can have coffee afterwards.”

“Okay. Cool.” Everything is cool. Just tell him already. As they started walking, Harry braced himself. He took a deep breath, clenched his fists and said, "Do you… do you know that feeling of not wanting to get into the shower? But when you finally do, you’d do anything to stay there forever? Like, you just feel so warm and calm that even though you’re wasting water and it’s probably a bad idea to stay five more minutes you just do it, because how the hell are you supposed to make sensible decisions when you’re feeling so fucking good?”

“Potter,” Draco said, a small, curious smirk playing at the corners of his lips, “What are you trying to tell me, you babbling nincompoop?”

“That… um.” Fuck. All the courage, all the ache and desperation that had been consuming him since his conversation with Jane, were rapidly abandoning him, and he swallowed. “That you’re — you’re sort of like… like a warm shower. Like finally taking that warm shower when I was too tired to move from my bed. I guess. If that makes sense.”

It doesn’t. Harry, you idiot, what are you even sa—

“Of course it does.” Draco raised his chin with a grin. “But you didn’t need that many words just to tell me I’m hot. I already knew that.”

Harry spluttered, his skin suddenly burning. “That was not—”

“Relax, you idiot,” Draco said lightly, “I know.”

Harry huffed. “Arsehole.”

They walked in silence for a few seconds, then Draco asked, “So, I’m like a warm shower, right? Does that mean I’m a guilty pleasure or that I’m an annoying necessity then?”

“Ugh, can’t we just forget I said all that?”

Draco huffed. “You wish.”

“Oi, stop throwing my own words at me!” Harry pinched him, and Draco giggled and elbowed him in the ribs.

“It’s not my fault you were such a drama queen as a kid!”

“Oh, I was the drama queen?”

“Absolutely,” Draco said solemnly. “Though I must admit, it was quite charming at times.”

“Shut up, you twat.” Harry suddenly felt like his heart was on fire. They’d stopped walking, and he realised they were at Flourish and Blott’s — except right behind the shop, in a narrow alley that was deserted except for a tabby cat that was eyeing them suspiciously.

“Okay,” Draco said, his voice soft but confident. “I’ll shut up if you really want me to.”

Harry’s breath caught when warm fingers brushed his. The touch was tender, but it felt piercing, and like a hot wave of something crashing against him.

“Draco.” The name fell from his lips, breathless, panicky. “You don’t want to do that,” he urged, pulling away from the caress. “The reason I wanted to talk to you today—”

“I know.”

That cut Harry’s verbal incontinence short.

“You — know.”

“Duh.” Even though Harry couldn’t move — couldn’t face Draco as his mind reeled trying to gather the meaning of those words — Draco reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers with a strong grasp. “You’ve never been particularly good at hiding your feelings toward me, whatever their nature,” Draco said, so casually Harry almost wanted to laugh. “Pining suits you, by the way. You’re really cute when you’re flustered.”

Harry stared at nothing, his eyes fixated on the shape of a rock on the wall beside them. His hand felt sweaty, but he didn’t have it in him to pull away. “Why… why didn’t you—”

“Don’t be an idiot. How long has it been since you and Ginny broke up?”

“Uh… about two months now?”

“Exactly,” Draco said. “I didn’t want you… I didn’t want us to rush into anything, Harry. I didn’t want to be that person to you.”

“Then — then why are you holding my hand?”

Draco finally faced him, looking oddly relaxed. And smug, the little shit. “Because you wouldn’t come mumbling and stuttering about it if you weren’t ready to take a step.”

“Oh.” Harry felt a grin pull at his lips. “So... You like me.”

Draco let out a breathless laugh. “I do. Don’t ask me why. I happen to have a very embarrassing weakness for charming idiots.”

Harry bit his lip. Hesitantly, he took a step forward. Draco seemed completely unfazed by the invasion of his personal space, and in fact smiled a little bit wider when Harry gently rested his hands around his arms.

Could he kiss Draco? Could that actually happen? After everything he’d gone through, after almost convincing himself Draco would always remain out of reach, could he really…?

His body leaned forward on his own accord. His heart jumped, his eyes fell closed, and then—

And then there was a hand on his chest, holding him back.

He opened his eyes to a slightly flustered, yet still way too smug Draco.

“I don’t kiss before first dates,” he declared.

“What? What did you bring me to a deserted alley for, then?” Draco smirked, and Harry pushed him playfully on the chest. “You bloody tease!”

“Books, Potter. Then coffee. Then we can go somewhere nice and comfy that doesn’t smell like cat pee and you can show me exactly how much you love me.”

Before Harry could protest, Draco took his hand and walked them back to the busy street.

#otpshipper98 #drarry #drarry squad #drarry fic #drarry oneshot #draco x harry #harry x draco #past hinny #harry potter #fleetofshippyships

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rosekun25 · 7 years

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Fourteen Reasons why.

April 9th, 2017

Dear Tumblr Diary,

I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.”

I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago. Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.

Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit.

Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse.

There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y

Anyway so far that part has hit me the most.

I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away.

I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore.

I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it.

aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore.

So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself

14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later.

I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School.

13. I wasn’t beautiful.

At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted. I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt beautiful.

12. I was starving myself.

Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea. But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.

11. I wanted to die. (duh)

But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die. I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to.

10. At the time, my life sucked dick.

I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing.

Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time.

I also hated T or C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag.

My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad. I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming,

9. I was so tired of everything.

I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit.

The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15% Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right.

The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before.

8. I was going insane.

Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess.

But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone. I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from.

7. I didnt have any friends.

Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” ( Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.)

I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again.

I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it.

6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness

It was Borderline Personality Disorder. It was making me crazy.

I still dont understand what it means.

I know it means.

But I dont understand it.

5. I missed my Daddy.

There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT.

In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!

But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again.

I havent seen him since I was two. But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again.

4. I wasnt afraid to die.

I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die.

Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything

If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell.

If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell.

I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh.

But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain

Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression?

I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is.

3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared.

The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that.

But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was. I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy.

Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least.

Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?

Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed.

But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up.

2. My life was over.

“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”

Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do eight more years?! I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids.

1. Chance left.

Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother. When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever.

Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier.

Am I still Suicidal? Yes.

You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.

Fourteen Reasons why I want to live.

14. I’m happy now.

I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food.

13. I love my apartment.

I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here.

12. I love where I live.

I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!!

11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free.

10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone.

9. I have food.

I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”

I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile.

Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her. I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to?

What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again.

The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it.

They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that.

I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.

This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.

In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me?

I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it.

I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself.

8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually)

I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much.

I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?

Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different.

Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually. Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku.

7. I want to be a Mother.

Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.

I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life. Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could.

6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney

I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20. But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.

5. I really want to do my bucket list.

I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.

(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)

4. I want to get married.

Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney.

Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . . Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that! I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live.

3. I want friends. . .

I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live.

2. I want to be infinite.

I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail?

1. I want to experience love.

I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did.

But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something.

Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it.

I’m on the second to last episode now,

I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed. I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way.

I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves. I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever.

My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial.

I thought that was utter bullshit.

Because all I had learned to do was lie.

Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here.

See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie.

Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was.

But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again.

Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth?

I’m on the last episode now.

I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment.

It was honestly too realistic.

Like just the things she said

“I decided to give life one more chance.”

I remember thinking the exact same thing.

and watching it blow it.

Thats always how my emotions have been.

Hannah is stealing razors now.

I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.

I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true.

I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.

I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.

I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose.

I remember hanging up on 911

I remember calling my ex boyfriend.

I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do.

Probably nothing,

I still would have done it.

I remember swallowing handful after handful.

I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head.

I remember dying and being at peace.

I remember waking up and screaming and crying.

Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill.

What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better.

It didn’t.

Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,

I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.

ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks

This is triggering.

I reserve the right to skip this part.

I cant breathe.

Okay, Okay.

I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood.

Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.

American Horror story did a better job.

Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it.

You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade.

Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over.

How are they going to do season 2?

I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die. It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him.

I liked watching this.

I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because, well it kind of was triggering.

Side note:

I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops.

Also for anybody who is.

National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall

1-800-273-8255

#13 reasons why #rw Fabulous #Rosekun25 13rw Suicide notFabulous #SaySomething ClayxHannnah 13RW Savealife

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