#im not emotionally prepared to see him have the level of success i think is possible for him right now…

[mcu1shots]

could you please make me a tony xplus size reader story and getting proposed to but telling him no because she's insecure about her body and him seeing it? it would mean alot im in a dark spot right now.

Of course! Here you go, I hope you enjoy and feel better soon!

Notes/Warnings: insecurity, self doubt, mentions of being a playboy, implications of body negativity, fluff, angst, Plus Sized!Reader

Word Count: 2,351

Nothing More Perfect (Tony Stark x Reader)

Of all the things you had heard about Tony Stark you had never imagined him to be quite the way that he was. He had always presented himself as the playboy billionaire, hosting large parties and being seen with many women. It was always all over the front page of every gossip magazine who Tony’s woman of the week was, it almost had become a game at one point of which celebrity or model would be the next one to fall to his charms. But everything changed a short time ago after the attack on New York.

Everyone had seen how Tony flew directly into the portal that led to… well, perhaps only the man himself knew the answer to that. Ever since then he had become… different. Parties hosted in his honour were still as rowdy as ever, but the inventor himself was barely there for a few minutes, enough time to enjoy a couple of the drinks being served, before he disappeared for the evening. Gossip columnists no doubt mourned for the stories that they used to have from him, for no longer did he have his classic ‘woman of the week’ but he was barely seen to be forming connections with anyone. That is, until someone sent in a picture of Tony with a woman.

That woman was you. It had been around two years ago now when the press found out about you, and all it had taken was someone’s untimely photo of him kissing you goodnight in the hallway of your apartment complex. Before that you had always been very careful not to tell anyone but your close friends about your relationship but, Tony being Tony, insisted that he had to kiss you one last time before your night together ended. And who were you to try to resist that?

The gossip columnists, no doubt bitter from the stories that they had been starved from for so long, had a field day writing about you and Tony, you found paparazzi at your work and it was hard to escape the articles. You remember Tony clearly telling you “everything they’re saying is just for the story” as he urged you to never pick up a magazine or read a single article, even going as far as to suggest blocking results from anything that would come up on your computer or phone.

And for a while you were successful in ignoring anything that the press said about you. You listened to Tony’s suggestion and turned a blind eye to any article about your boyfriend just in case it mentioned you in any way. You were struggling enough with self image without the words of journalists all fighting to get the most clicks on a story, Tony was helping you through everything and you didn’t want to jeopardize that in any way.

Things went well after that, you ignored anything that you saw about you and Tony’s relationship. And since the press already knew about you, you were free to have a normal relationship. Well, as normal as it could be when you’re dating a famous billionaire and superhero. Anytime you did something in public there was the risk of the press writing about it, but Tony’s nonchalance about the entire affair rubbed off on you and you allowed yourself to turn a blind eye.

Well, most of the time.

Sometimes, when Tony was away and you were left to your own devices for a while, it was hard not to go on social media and glance at the headlines that were advertised all over your feed, some of the articles seemed kinder than others, and some just seemed to be going for that dramatic effect. Those were the hardest ones to see, those were the ones that unraveled all of the work you had put into loving yourself. And you tried not to read them, you really did, but sometimes you weren’t all that successful.

Tonight was one of those nights, Tony had some Avengers meeting and would be away for a few days. He had invited you to come with him but you had declined, you always felt out of place in those meetings, surrounded by heroes more perfect than you could ever be. Captain America was genetically modified for perfection, Black Widow was trained from infancy to reach that level of perfection, and Tony had built himself into a perfect hero with his iron man suit. It was hard not to feel self conscious around all of that.

Though perhaps you should have gone with him, as you sat in the bedroom you and Tony shared at his Malibu estate. The window was open, allowing the warm night breeze to flow through. It was a beautiful evening, you should have been outside enjoying yourself, perhaps sitting on the beach and watching the stars, but instead you were sitting on the bed looking at your laptop, staring at one of the not-so-nice articles that had popped up on your screen. You hadn’t even clicked into it, but the title and thumbnail was enough to fill you with a wave of insecurity.

You had to force yourself to tear your eyes away from it and put the device on the edge of the bed. You swung your legs off of the side and stood, stretching out your arms and allowing a deep sigh to escape from your lungs. You should have taken his advice to block out those articles from appearing, but it was too late for that now. You rubbed a hand along your face, feeling more emotionally tired than anything else, and decided you needed some water and a bit of a walk around the house to clear your mind.

So that’s exactly what you did, after shaking out your legs which had started to fall asleep from how you had positioned yourself on the bed, you headed downstairs to get some lemon water from the kitchen. However you were confused when you heard the soft sound of music coming from the living room. Wondering if you had forgotten to turn something off, you changed your path and headed there instead.

And there was Tony, a piece of paper in his left hand and a small box in the other. He seemed to be reading over a speech of some kind which was unusual to you as you had never known him to actually prepare a speech in advance, usually able to come up with something magnificent on the spot, even with cameras and microphones pointed at him. His eyeline raised and caught on you as you stood at the edge of the room and he quickly shoved the paper into his pocket and got on one knee, opening the box.

“Y/N,” he paused to remember the words he had just been rereading for what felt like the hundredth time, and yet seeing you illuminated by the dim lighting of the moon and the stars that filtered in through the large windows, he forgot it all. “I had a whole speech prepared for this, of how I love you so much and all of that sappy stuff. But, it all boils down to the question of… will you marry me?”

You were stunned into silence as you watched him, the seconds seemed to tick by as he waited for your response, a grin still placed upon his face. But you weren’t in the best mindset right now, the image of that headline and thumbnail plastered in your mind. What were you supposed to say? You knew what he wanted you to say, he wouldn’t have asked the question if he wanted you to decline, but how could you say yes? How could you ever be good enough for the Tony Stark?

Your silence and stillness was broken as you took a step back, shaking your head. You couldn’t bring yourself to say the word ‘no’ but by the way the inventor’s face fell you knew he got the message. “I’m sorry, Tony…”

You turned on your heels and rushed back up the stairs, unable to look at him any longer. Unable to offer him an explanation as you weren’t sure you could even get the words out. Tears rolled down your face as your mind was flooded with thoughts you hadn’t dared to allow for a long time. But your insecurity was like a bucket of water, catching drips of self doubt. That bucket had slowly been filling up over the past two years but the last drop that had been placed by that stupid article was what caused it to overflow, your tears were only proof of that.

Tony had to admit that wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting from you, not in the slightest. He had been expecting tears, of course, but one of joy as you proclaimed that you loved him too and would be delighted to marry him. He shoved the box into his pocket and followed after you, he would accept your denial of his proposal but he couldn’t leave you to be upset on your own, what kind of man would that make him?

He followed you up to the bedroom that you both shared but you had locked yourself in the ensuite bathroom before he could stop you. “Y/N, hey, come on, love, talk to me,” he begged, knocking on the door. But he received no response from you. He sighed and ran a hand over his face, trying to think of if he had done something wrong. Then he saw it, the laptop still placed on the bottom of the bed, screen glowing in the darkness of the room. He paused, looking at the door and considering what he should do. But he figured that you wouldn’t be opening it any time soon and so he stepped away to see what you were looking at. Immediately he knew why you were so upset, seeing the headline and the image plastered across the width of your screen, a pop-up ad for one of those gossip companies that existed only in the depths of the internet. He knew about your struggles with confidence and self worth, and he was able to use his genius mind to put two and two together.

He closed the tab on the screen and then closed the laptop, not wanting you to see that again. He walked over to the bathroom door and knocked softly. “Y/N, my love, I know what the world says about you sometimes, how cruel they can be,” he began, resting his hand against the door, his face inches away from it and his eyes closed. “But as I close my eyes and I think of perfection, all I see is you, every part of you, no exceptions. My entire career I’ve tried to make something perfect but never would I be able to make anything that could compare to the perfection of you. We don’t have to get married, but please, please, come out here so I can hold you. I love you, Y/N, all of you. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

There was a pause, that agonizing silence as Tony tried to figure out if you believed him or if you could even hear him, there was a chance you were tuning him out and he truly was just talking to a door. But then he heard the click of the lock and stepped back as the door opened to reveal his beauty.

“How can you say that, Tony?” You asked, your voice shaking as you wiped tears from your face, your eyes were red from crying and you sniffled.

Tony lay his hand on your cheek, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb and smiling softly at you, it was the kind of smile that seemed to be reserved for you and only you. It wasn’t some cocky grin or a smartass smirk, it was just… Tony. “Because I mean it, my love. Because, whatever I do, I will never find or make anything as perfect as you.”

You shook your head and closed your eyes, finding yourself unable to look at him, unable to face him. A shaking sigh fell past your lips as you exhaled and tried to think of how to articulate your thoughts to him. “The rest of the world doesn’t seem to agree with you, Stark,” you pointed out in a quiet tone.

Tony chuckled and stepped towards you, pressing a tender kiss onto your forehead. “Maybe not, but I do pride myself on being the smartest man in the world. They don’t call me a genius for nothing, you know.”

And there he was, the Tony that you knew so well. The confidence that he had in himself, that he had in you. And a smile slowly came onto your lips and you nodded a bit at his words. “Then… yes.” You told him, opening your eyes to look up at him.

For a moment he looked confused, an eyebrow raised. “Yes?” He repeated, asking for clarification on what exactly you were agreeing to.

“I’ll marry you, Tony Stark,” you said, leaning into the warmth of his hand and reaching out with your own to hold his free one, giving it a gentle squeeze.

And his smile grew, one that was bright and warm and reserved only for the two of you at that moment. “See what I mean? Perfect. I love you, Y/N Stark.” He said, tilting up your face and pressing a soft, chaste kiss onto your lips.

“I love you too, Tony Y/L/N.” You countered as you looked up at him, your red eyes now filled with love and happiness instead of doubt and despair.

Tony chuckled at your response. “Touché.”

You simply nodded and pulled him closer. “Now, kiss me properly this time?” You asked sweetly, pulling him close to you.

A grin passed his face and he nodded, leaning towards you. Before your lips met in a kiss he spoke, keeping his tone soft and his warm breath fanned across your face, “As you wish, my perfect fiancée.”

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[tottymatsuno]

Pink Angel From Hell (Osomatsu-san: Todomatsu x Reader) Chapter One

Author: Roro (halfeviltotty)

Chapter One: First Meeting

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Todomatsu x reader

Category: character driven, romance, lovers to friends to lovers again, first love, host au

Rating: T for now

Summary: Would you risk it all for the bottom of the barrel at the host club or would you leave him there to rot?

Word count: It's long ig.

Warnings: hes an asshole and emotionally manipulative (AT FIRST) and the reader is very naive and a bird at first lol

Commentary: I'm not playin with yall this time watch this or do not say shit to me. bc tumblr is a bubblegum strung up piece of garbage im gonna have to reblog this with the videos theyre REQUIRED READING. I stole lines from it so if u have an issue with Tottys characterization take it up with the staff >:/ enjoy the character development or dont, im doing this for free

| Oneshots | All Fics | Multichapter Fics | Entire Series

Next Chapter to be uploaded soon.

Being a foreign exchange student is hard; you've been learning about the Japanese culture since you were young but nothing in your studies could've prepared you for the scene playing out in front of you. At Keigo after classes your new friends Chiyo, Eri, and Seiko have finally invited you somewhere that wasn't going out to get Josei manga and otomes. You definitely didn't want to seem rude or uppity so you quickly agreed to go to a host club with them. Since you've felt so indebted by their hospitality and kindness when helping you adjust to the culture it only made sense you'd be the designated driver. When you first walked in the whole thing seemed like a blur as the flashing lights, loud music and company of multiple good (and some average) looking men flocking to your table. The distracting lights burn your eyes and even though you couldn't trace its origin you swear you can see fog clouding your vision. The second you walked in you were surprised that anyone would want to stay for long in such a place. Talk about sensory overload. After the whole club cycled through your friends were stuck on stupid for an average looking duo. The two that stood out the most and who introduced themselves as twins. Karamatsu and Todomatsu.

Needless to say everyone except you were smitten with the men. At first you weren't really interested in either man but Karamatsu in particular was popular at your table. "Kyaa~, Kara-kun! You're so charming!" Seiko squealed while Chiyo hurriedly drank another beer when Karamatsu glanced her way. Of course the loud man noticed and attempted to monologue about it, "Hmph! Of course you would fall for me, my Karamatsu girls! It was enviable as I am a guilty man who exudes -!" "Ne, ne, Kara-kun what are you doing after this?" Eri asks cutting him off with her award winning smile. Eri's pretty popular at school and super down to earth so Karamatsu's probably grateful that your friend is flirting with him. With her girl next door aesthetic it'd be hard to turn her down. Now that you think about it all of your friends are super cute and charming! Chiyo has that whole chubby and shy thing going on with all of her adorable accessories, plus she's foreign born too so you both get along really well. Then there's Seiko who's super trendy in the 'geek-chic' sorta ways. Each one of them knows their niche and works it well. You sit there laughing quietly at your friends' antics with a fond gaze. You do notice in the corner of your eyes a largely forgotten Todomatsu keeps losing his nerve after attempting to jump in the conversation. It's because your friends are all trying to get into Karamatsu's bedazzled pants. At this point Todomatsu has now flirted with your girlfriends and with varying levels of success, but ultimately his older brother steals the show. "Hey…" You suddenly feel Todomatsu whisper closely to your ear. This entire night he hasn't paid close attention to you, maybe because you're not drinking alcohol or something. But whatever his reasoning is Todomatsu's regarded you with little to no flirtiness. Until right this second. You feel the goosebumps rise on the back if your neck as he sensually hums the word into your ear. "Look at me." He commands gently and you can't help but to whip your head around with eyes wide. It's like the music goes quiet, the lights soften and you're barely aware of your friends laughing as Todomatsu stares into your eyes warmly. You thought of him as girly and cute but you might’ve had him pegged wrong. This is when you fall for him. "Talk with me?" He asks sweetly, "I noticed you're not drinking with Karamatsu-niisan and the others? Are you not enjoying this?" Sweet and gentle are the words you would use to describe his voice. Your own vocal cords strain in your throat, he's so...so…! You can't even think. "Uh…" "Cute." Todomatsu props his cheek up with his closed palm as he peers into your infatuated eyes with his own looks of affection. Shitshitshit! Don't fall for him, you'll never see him again anyways! If you do you'll only be living in a sweet

fantasy. Mariah Carey be damned! "I'm okay with this, I think. I can't drink even if I wanted to. I'm driving everyone home." You wish you had a drink right about now to quench your thirst. Instead all you're thinking about is swallowing something else. NO!! What do you mean swallow something else?! What are you gonna do, PAY him for the privilege of putting his...Y'know…! In your mouth?! Your face is on fire and it doesn't go unnoticed. "Ehh, Y/N-chan? Are you thinking dirty thoughts? Your face is all red." Seiko asks before announcing to Karamatsu that she certainly is. Shut up!! Don't tease me! You think embarrassingly, wanting to curl up in a ball. "No…" You meekly say instead and cover up your face. Todomatsu laughs at you not mean spiritedly but in a casual and familiar type of way. Like an inside joke between two friends. He’s doing a really good job at making you feel a little bit more comfortable with this situation. "You have a car then? Maybe you can take me for a ride." Even you someone with little experience with guys knows what he means by that. You laugh awkwardly feeling the heat creep into your collar. “Y/N-chan! Take a picture with us!” Eri calls out to you interrupting your stilted conversation with Todomatsu with a flushed face. “Yeah, we wanna take a group picture with Kara-kun!” Seiko giggles out while Chiyo fiddles with her zipper trying to avoid looking at Karamatsu because she’s so shy. "Chiyo-chan get a little bit closer in the middle so everyone can fit." Seiko tugs her as you scramble to the other side of the table. “Ah, alright?” You try to situate yourself into the group and you catch Todomatsu looking very offended to say the least when Seiko hands her phone. “Please be careful, Totty-kun. Make sure you get Kara-kun in the picture.” You can’t help but notice the way his smile seems forced, and his twitching eye as everyone except you cheeses and hangs off of Karamatsu’s arms. After the picture Todomatsu flirts with you three times as hard during the short time you had left together. As if he’s afraid that his job depends on it...though that very well may be the case you think. "Why don't we drink something to loosen you up? It doesn't seem like we have much time left together." "Aha...I really wish I could but like I said before I'm driving." “You should come back later then,” Todomatsu suggests; you’re not used to all of this male attention so you swallow thickly when you hear the following words, “Alone next time.” You giggle nervously, “W-what do you mean?” Todomatsu scoots even closer, with graceful practice Todomatsu throws his arm around the seat and leans in as if he was going to kiss you. Instead he says, “I want to spend more time with you.” You explode with a tingly sensation that isn't foreign but never happened out in public. You subconsciously straighten your skirt out and close your slightly parted legs. This doesn't go unnoticed by Todomatsu whose eyes lingered but he chooses not to embarrass you further by bringing attention to your actions. Instead those big brown eyes trail up from your thighs and become half lidded and stare right into your soul. "You're so adorable, Y/N-chan.” "Y/N~ I'm so tiiired…! I'm ready to go home now…" Eri whines, stumbling to stand up out of her seat. "I'm going to the restroom." Chiyo finally speaks for the first time since arriving and nearly dies when Karamatsu addresses her with, "My dearest Karamatsu girl! Your voice sounds like a thousand songstresses in the choir of love! Let me hear the symphony of your sounds!" Chiyo literally runs away while Seiko and Eri drunkenly fawns over Karamatsu. You end up paying the bill with Seiko and Eri promising to pay you back since you're the only one with a credit card. Your knees buckle when you ask Todomatsu to let you out of the seat. Laughing nervously when you fall over to pay the tab for your inebriated friends. After another blur of interactions with your friends trying to say their last goodbyes to Karamatsu you stand there a little awkwardly. Todomatsu waits for you to

say bye first but you can't bring yourself to. Todomatsu watches you curiously but waits a moment with expectancy hanging heavy in the air then another passes without you doing anything Todomatsu covers his mouth and giggles to himself, "Y/N-chan~," He calls out to you. "Y-yeah?" Your voice squeaky and heart palpitating. Todomatsu takes your hand and puts something in it. As he holds your hand Todomatsu looks into your eyes and asks, "Will I see you again?" "Yes…" You dreamily sigh out before you could think about it. "Bye bye for now then." Todomatsu brings his lips to your fingertips and gently kisses your knuckles. Todomatsu leaves much quicker than you thought he would you would've loved to linger and watch him retreat back into the club but Chiyo gets back from the toilet and demands to leave before she dies. You stand there stunned until Eri begins to gently shove you through the door.

#osomatsu san #ososan #totty #matsuno todomatsu/reader #todomatsu x reader #todomatsu x si #multichapter ososan fic #pink angel fic #pink angel fic ch1

[foxvalleyinstitutechicagoi-blog2]

Healing Marriages: Affair Repair

Five Ways to Repair Your Marriage – If You Are the Unfaithful Spouse Infidelity elicits a variety of stress responses for the spouse who has been wounded; their body responds as if danger lurks at every corner. If you are the unfaithful spouse and you choose to repair the pain and reconstruct your marriage, be prepared in that it will take time and hard work. Many couples who have gone through this experience describe their reconstructed relationships as being stronger afterwards. There are five actions that are imperative for the repair work to be successful. The first action focuses on the healing process. 1. Accept Responsibility and Tell the Truth For the spouses discovering the infidelity, it’s devastating, whether it is an emotional or physical affair. The hurt spouse’s world has been turned upside down. The person they believed could be trusted has become the one who has wounded them in the worst way possible. The hurt spouse’s reaction can be akin to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some of the symptoms include reliving the up-setting event, feeling danger is around every corner, and feeling hopeless. Once the hurt spouse processes the initial shock, all they want is the truth. I tell the unfaithful client, “You can’t hurt your spouse any more than you already have.” Telling the truth is absolutely necessary in allowing your spouse to feel safe. Only when he or she feels safe can they begin to think about re-establishing trust, and this takes time. The hurt spouse is in need of answers so they can begin to make sense of the situation. Hearing the truth and knowing the story behind the infidelity can help lessen the obsessing, so they can begin the healing. Talking, listening, and empathizing are all components in beginning to rebuild the trust. 2. End All Communications with the Affair Partner Any and all interactions with the affair partner must cease. There is to be no more emails, lunches, phone calls, texts, IM’s, or Facebook interactions. The only way to heal is to end the lies and be completely forthright and honest. What ensues may be pressure from both your spouse and the affair partner; It is never easy. The one may accuse you of leading him or her on and the other may accuse you of deception and lying. Until you communicate to your spouse that all contact, of any type, has ended with the affair partner, your spouse will be unable to heal, and your marriage will not recover. Establishing a permanent end to all communication and connections with the affair partner prevents the affair from resurrecting. It sends a clear message to your partner that the affair is over and you are committed, to the marriage. Restoration of the belief in you and your love can begin. 3. Volunteer Information and Be Accountable The hurt spouse needs to be aware of the significant facts surrounding the affair to understand the extent of the deception. This can validate his or her feelings and reaffirms that he or she is not going crazy. For example, she may have suspected the truth that the flowers reportedly sent to the co-worker who lost her husband were really for the affair partner. There is comfort in knowing that the fears were legitimate. Sharing, honesty, and transparency are vital for beginning to heal the marriage. Here is an example: On-going honesty is telling your spouse that you had a business dinner following work. When they inquire if you saw the affair partner at this dinner, you answer honestly, “no.” Transparency is when you add, “but I did see him when a few of us went for drinks at the bar around the corner afterwards, but I didn’t talk to him.” Offering information, even though it may be hurtful for your spouse, is crucial to healing the marriage. Be accountable for where you are going, what you are doing, and who you are texting. Share your passwords for your electronic devices and allow your spouse to look at any device at any time. Ending all secrecy will help the marriage to heal. Even if a tracking device is requested in the beginning, it helps establish a feeling of safety. It gives you the opportunity to prove you are the man or woman of integrity that you say you want to be. Your partner will begin to believe your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.” 4. Listen and Connect to Your Spouse’s Pain Many things you say and do express to your spouse you care; your body language, performing tasks, and expressing understanding and concern are but a few of these things. Empathic listening is when you listen to understand and connect with your spouse’s underlying emotions. It’s an integral part of the healing process. Example: If you (Joe, the unfaithful spouse) choose a movie that involves a torrid affair in the story line and your hurt spouse (Jen) is visibly shaken, here are some suggestions: Do not say, “Oh now Jen, don’t get so upset, I’ve told you multiple times, I’m not doing anything”. Do say, “When you see something like this, you must hurt because it might remind you of what I did. I’m so sorry”. When you choose to validate your spouse’s worst fears, you are relieving distress and helping her to heal. When you minimize her feelings, you leave her feeling alone. If you have been unfaithful, it can be challenging to listen to the negative. You may want to downplay or minimize what has happened. Do not say, “Just don’t think about it, time heals all wounds. It will be okay.” Dismissing her feelings or giving her empty reassurances does not feel like support. Do say, “Of course you are upset, anyone would be. I’m sorry I caused you pain”. This is connecting with her emotions and provides comfort to her. 5. Be Willing to Wait and Provide Comfort Healing is a gradual process that requires time. Imagine your loved one has been struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection. They are in intensive care having sustained serious injuries. It takes several months to care for initial injuries and full recovery and healing Additional info can take several years. Infidelity is on par with that level of trauma. Give your spouse time and undivided attention. By being patient and willing to wait, you create safety for your spouse. When your spouse has a flashback, you must fight the urge to run away. Instead, move toward your spouse, reach out to provide comfort. Identify the most important emotional needs (conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc…) and work each day to connect emotionally with your spouse. When a couple creates a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. This communicates, “You are important to me. I will protect and care for you.” “I am concerned about the problems you face and I will be here for you when you need me.” “I am with you and accept the emotions you are currently feeling.” Regularly review your progress while talking and interacting in a manner that clearly expresses you are dedicated. The spouse who strayed must continue to change from the one who did the wounding to the one who nurtures the healing. You must evolve into the partner who soothes the hurt. Then, instead of alienating and pushing your spouse away, you begin to lovingly draw your spouse to you. This renovation of your marriage is the start of a new and exciting journey forward together. Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family: http://fvinstitute.com/article/healing-marriages-affair-repair/

[foxvalleyinstitutechicagoi-blog2]

Healing Marriages: Affair Repair

Five Ways to Repair Your Marriage – If You Are the Unfaithful Spouse Infidelity elicits a variety of stress responses for the spouse who has been wounded; their body responds as if danger lurks at every corner. If you are the unfaithful spouse and you choose to repair the pain and reconstruct your marriage, be prepared in that it will take time and hard work. Many couples who have gone through this experience describe their reconstructed relationships as being stronger afterwards. There are five actions that are imperative for the repair work to be successful. The first action focuses on the healing process. 1. Accept Responsibility and Tell the Truth For the spouses discovering the infidelity, it’s devastating, whether it is an emotional or physical affair. The hurt spouse’s world has been turned upside down. The person they believed could be trusted has become the one who has wounded them in the worst way possible. The hurt spouse’s reaction can be akin to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some of the symptoms include reliving the up-setting event, feeling danger is around every corner, and feeling hopeless. Once the hurt spouse processes the initial shock, all they want is the truth. I tell the unfaithful client, “You can’t hurt your spouse any more than you already have.” Telling the truth is absolutely necessary in allowing your spouse to feel safe. Only when he or she feels safe can they begin to think about re-establishing trust, and this takes time. The hurt spouse is in need of answers so they can begin to make sense of the situation. Hearing the truth and knowing the story behind the infidelity can help lessen the obsessing, so they can begin the healing. Talking, listening, and empathizing are all components in beginning to rebuild the trust. 2. End All Communications with the Affair Partner Any and all interactions with the affair partner Click for more info must cease. There is to be no more emails, lunches, phone calls, texts, IM’s, or Facebook interactions. The only way to heal is to end the lies and be completely forthright and honest. What ensues may be pressure from both your spouse and the affair partner; It is never easy. The one may accuse you of leading him or her on and the other may accuse you of deception and lying. Until you communicate to your spouse that all contact, of any type, has ended with the affair partner, your spouse will be unable to heal, and your marriage will not recover. Establishing a permanent end to all communication and connections with the affair partner prevents the affair from resurrecting. It sends a clear message to your partner that the affair is over and you are committed, to the marriage. Restoration of the belief in you and your love can begin. 3. Volunteer Information and Be Accountable The hurt spouse needs to be aware of the significant facts surrounding the affair to understand the extent of the deception. This can validate his or her feelings and reaffirms that he or she is not going crazy. For example, she may have suspected the truth that the flowers reportedly sent to the co-worker who lost her husband were really for the affair partner. There is comfort in knowing that the fears were legitimate. Sharing, honesty, and transparency are vital for beginning to heal the marriage. Here is an example: On-going honesty is telling your spouse that you had a business dinner following work. When they inquire if you saw the affair partner at this dinner, you answer honestly, “no.” Transparency is when you add, “but I did see him when a few of us went for drinks at the bar around the corner afterwards, but I didn’t talk to him.” Offering information, even though it may be hurtful for your spouse, is crucial to healing the marriage. Be accountable for where you are going, what you are doing, and who you are texting. Share your passwords for your electronic devices and allow your spouse to look at any device at any time. Ending all secrecy will help the marriage to heal. Even if a tracking device is requested in the beginning, it helps establish a feeling of safety. It gives you the opportunity to prove you are the man or woman of integrity that you say you want to be. Your partner will begin to believe your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.” 4. Listen and Connect to Your Spouse’s Pain Many things you say and do express to your spouse you care; your body language, performing tasks, and expressing understanding and concern are but a few of these things. Empathic listening is when you listen to understand and connect with your spouse’s underlying emotions. It’s an integral part of the healing process. Example: If you (Joe, the unfaithful spouse) choose a movie that involves a torrid affair in the story line and your hurt spouse (Jen) is visibly shaken, here are some suggestions: Do not say, “Oh now Jen, don’t get so upset, I’ve told you multiple times, I’m not doing anything”. Do say, “When you see something like this, you must hurt because it might remind you of what I did. I’m so sorry”. When you choose to validate your spouse’s worst fears, you are relieving distress and helping her to heal. When you minimize her feelings, you leave her feeling alone. If you have been unfaithful, it can be challenging to listen to the negative. You may want to downplay or minimize what has happened. Do not say, “Just don’t think about it, time heals all wounds. It will be okay.” Dismissing her feelings or giving her empty reassurances does not feel like support. Do say, “Of course you are upset, anyone would be. I’m sorry I caused you pain”. This is connecting with her emotions and provides comfort to her. 5. Be Willing to Wait and Provide Comfort Healing is a gradual process that requires time. Imagine your loved one has been struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection. They are in intensive care having sustained serious injuries. It takes several months to care for initial injuries and full recovery and healing can take several years. Infidelity is on par with that level of trauma. Give your spouse time and undivided attention. By being patient and willing to wait, you create safety for your spouse. When your spouse has a flashback, you must fight the urge to run away. Instead, move toward your spouse, reach out to provide comfort. Identify the most important emotional needs (conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc…) and work each day to connect emotionally with your spouse. When a couple creates a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. This communicates, “You are important to me. I will protect and care for you.” “I am concerned about the problems you face and I will be here for you when you need me.” “I am with you and accept the emotions you are currently feeling.” Regularly review your progress while talking and interacting in a manner that clearly expresses you are dedicated. The spouse who strayed must continue to change from the one who did the wounding to the one who nurtures the healing. You must evolve into the partner who soothes the hurt. Then, instead of alienating and pushing your spouse away, you begin to lovingly draw your spouse to you. This renovation of your marriage is the start of a new and exciting journey forward together. 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