#in 2023 i'm taking care of myself goddamnit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

becomingerin · 4 months

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Just Starting Out

I'm not sure if anyone uses this as a blog site anymore or if i'm going to get laughed off of here. But i felt like i needed to get everything out onto somewhere where other people could see it before it ate me alive.

I could go with simple introductions or I could jump into why I'm really here. Either way, I feel like not many people are going to care so I might as well not waste my own time.

My dad has stage 4 colon cancer. To the point that his doctor told him that, had they not found it when they did (September 2023) that he likely would have died in 3-6 months (about now basically). That alone I feel like would terrify and depress anyone. Especially someone who is so close to their dad. Paralyzing fear even.

But here's the thing. That's not the only thing going on. I lost my aunt (who i talked to everyday through the pandemic and stepped up when my mom stepped out) in December 2022. To cancer. I was there holding her hand when she took her final breath. Tough shit to go through lemme tell you. So that's compounded.

I also lost my mother. She's not dead but I finally went no full no contact in October 2023 because I could handle her narcissism and there's a whole novel's worth of backstory there that I am just not going to get into right now.

Oh yea. I went no contact with her because my grandfather who I was the sole caretaker for for 3 years passed away and I no longer needed a link to her. He was 91 and it was past his time but it takes none of the pain out of the situation. I miss that man so fucking much and have so many regrets when it comes to him.

I quit my job and feel like I am barely functioning in my day to day. I am paralyzed to where I stand and cannot move. Grief and heartache are things I am obviously no stranger to but when people tell me "your dad is still here and you still have him" when I know how this story ends. We spend the time, soak up the moments, and then hes gone and the photographs and memories are all thats left. I am not ready to live in a world where the only way I can see my dad is by pulling out my phone and looking at a picture. I already have to do that with too many people and he means too much to get there.

I sit here and I beat myself for quitting my job and for feeling like I am glued to the pavement beneath me but goddamnit I am fucking scared. And I can barely function enough to live.

So that's where I'm starting. This is just an open forum journal for me. I am going to whine and complain to a stratosphere that couldn't give two shits but typing this out helped me process even just a little bit.

So thanks for being here.

#grief #coping #loss #death #love #family #cancer #loss of a loved one

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bubsub69 · 7 months

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Entry 22

10/10/2023 00:20

I dont understand, I finally have someone, why am i not feeling different, I thought I'd at least feel something from having a goddess but it just feels fake, it feels like I'm faking it, like shes faking it why cant I just be happy with it. Im probably overreacting, these things are about trust and after having so so many people asking for money I dont feel like i can trust anyone. When she first started talking to me I answered her questions on autopilot, I didnt care about anything, it was just like i was filling a form, I had other people approach then ask for money on discord hours before she contacted me, how was i suposed to know she was gonna be the one that didnt require them, and thats the thing she said:

So just to be clear between us. I won't be asking you to pay tribute probably because you're in college.but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show your mistress appreciation out if your own free will whenever your mistress deserve to be gifted. Hope we're clear on that. I don't do findom.

So does she expect me to pay at some point? is that her plan? play the long game have me hooked to her so i cant refuse paying her or i risk losing her? I havent received any verification from her either which isnt helping especially since ive sent pictures to her, and she refused a videocall for me to lock myself because I "hadnt earned it", she also found me im assuming from the chaster server but shes never posted there before, fuck writing this is making me distrust her more and more. Shes trying to get to know me she… might be doing it so i get feelings for her and pay up.. GOD DAMN MY FUCKING INSECURITY WHY CANT I JUST TRUST HER. I'd rather be happy now and cry later than be miserable now and cry later anyway if she ordered me to pay.

I dont even know if she enjoys this, she has multiple servants so that doesnt help.. she takes a long time to reply. while she isnt really the degrading type, actually shes been calling me good girl a lot but that just feels hollow.. maybe i should try to ask to be called good boy, that sounds a lot better in my head, but shes into feminization and sissification what if she doesnt agree or stops liking me because of it, i need to talk to her about this were suposed to be honest to each other but im so scared of her losing interest in me i dont know if i should tell her goddamnit im such a piece of shit to her. im not even being honest about her being the only one cause im also kinda doing a chaster session, but that ends when the timer runs out but still im being dishonest with her, the one fucking requirement in a healthy relationship and i cant even give that to her, i was right before i dont deserve to be in a relationship, im not mature enough for it, if i cant even give her honesty, nor can i trust her, nor feel anything when i do submissive tasks. Im such a piece of shit.

School has been troubling as well, the theory classes are so soul crushingly boring, i just delivered my first project that came out like shit cause i was incapable of working on it and procastinated for 90% of the time, this whole year ive been struggling to work or study in anyway while home im gonna be fucked arent i

So much for happy entries.. i wasnt even happy when i wrote it yesterday just mildly hopeful, i hope this changes soon, please let me be happy with her, plese.. let me forget about D as well Im so sick of being stuck thinking about someone that doesnt care about me. I wish i at least lived close to the new goddess so i could at least entertain the ideia of meeting up and cuddling or something, god that would be nice

#diary

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