#incase anyone thought my painting obsession was over

[dr-lizortecho]

#incase anyone thought my painting obsession was over #all their season one appearances outside of the corner for a millisecond in 1x13 #roswell new mexico #rnm

[nowhereclosetoit]

Why “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt is Gay.

(Or: Why Theo is dealing with some fucking heavy internalised homophobia - that man is not straight lemme tell you that off the bat)

John Crowley and Cliffsnotes pissed me off when they said The Goldfinch wasn’t gay so I wrote a fucking long ass essay on Theo’s internalised homophobia...and I got carried away and it’s around 4,500 words so...have a read if you like!

+ I read some Goldfinch essays/analysis on here before and really enjoyed them so I thought I’d have a go!!

Be warned - it is absolute trash, I wrote it at 2am.

For context: I’m a big lesbian and have/still am dealing with internalised homophobia - so I know the motherfucker when I see it! Don’t test me, bitches!

I’m assuming we all know what internalised homophobia is so we’ll jump straight in.

The Cases of Internalised Homophobia Throughout the Novel

• Throughout the novel, Theo is subject to his own internalised homophobia and whilst it could be considered as fairly difficult to spot, it is, nonetheless, there.

• The way internalised homophobia is depicted is often in very short, brushed-over extracts which are presented sparsely throughout the entirety of the novel - this in itself is an example of internalised homophobia. Theo brushing-over any topic that is remotely gay, essentially avoiding the subject, in order to remove any link to the possibilities of homosexuality (leading towards Theo himself and the rest of the world in general) is a clear depiction of a fear to be associated or even draw near the subject that is The Gays(TM).

• This is different to straight (HA!) up homophobia as Theo is not homophobic to anyone other than himself, even though internalised homophobia can lead to homophobic behaviour towards others as well as oneself.

Theo’s Acceptance of Homosexuality - Not Regarding Himself.

Throughout the novel we broach the subject of homosexuality many a time, and the only times Theo becomes uncomfortable with dealing with it, is when it regards him. He presents a clear need to withdraw from any behaviour that could contribute towards “being gay” (as shown in Chapter 5 - Badr al-Dine: “I was going to miss them, but it seemed gay to come out and say so”) that could be seen by the outside world and does react extremely, in some cases, when confronted with having to deal with his sexuality. Otherwise, he is accepting.

(He is accepting of others but he does have a general sense of discomfort when regarding The Gays(TM) incase suspicion lays on him - this is another example of internalised homophobia, he is constantly paranoid whenever the subject is broached. Paranoid of what is not exactly clear, but then again internalised homophobia is not fuelled with logic, it is fuelled with fear, which can be the most illogical feeling to deal with).

A significant example of Theo accepting the idea of homosexuality, as long as it remains abstract and far away from him, is:

Hobie, and Theo’s relationship to him:

Theo accepts the idea that Hobie and Welty (Hobie’s “business partner”) raised Pippa together and whilst Hobie and Welty’s relationship is never explicitly depicted, we are aware of its status as a romantic relationship - Hobie and Welty lived and raised Pippa, Welty’s niece, together and Pippa also refers to Hobie as her uncle (Chapter 4 - Morphine Lollypop: “Hobie can’t do anything - he isn’t my real uncle. My pretend uncle, [her Aunt Margaret] calls him”.

Theo becomes uncomfortable when the idea is suggested to him by Boris that Hobie could be gay. (However, he eventually comes around to the idea and not caring once he ends up living with Hobie after his father dies.)

Theo’s discomfort here clearly depicts his own internalised homophobia. This is illustrated by the language he uses to describe his reactions and personal responses to the revelation as well as his responses to Boris.

Theo describing feeling “taken aback” suggests his sudden fear at homosexuality being bought up between him and Boris. This illustrates his need to get away from the topic as quick as possible, which is reinforced by the use of the adverb “swiftly”. Theo wants to “swiftly” move on from the subject regarding Hobie’s sexuality as it could, in some roundabout way that is made logical by internalised homophobia, be related to him and paint him as being gay. He then claims “I don’t know” as the swift “No” could have also implied him and Hobie could have had a conversation regarding sexuality before which also could “incriminate” him. After Boris’ response, which depicts his acceptance of homosexuality, Theo is firm in the idea of Hobie not being gay as for Hobie to be gay would be a “bad” thing in the heteronormative society we live in. The use of the adverb “uncertainly” reinforces the idea that Theo does not want Boris to perceive him or people he affiliates with as gay, despite Boris’ accepting response.

The fact Theo begins to ignore Hobie because of “Boris’ casual speculation” is another example of his internalised homophobia. Another example is also the fact the he “felt bad; [he] felt awful” – this shows how he knows that ignoring Hobie is the wrong thing to be doing, but he can’t help it because he is riddled with the feeling of fear – he can’t possibly be associated with someone else gay, he’s not sure as to why this is, but to the reader, it is clear that it is because it could paint him as being gay by association.

*Theo also accepts homosexuality in passing too, when he doesn’t have to think about it too much, e.g: “(know-it-all decorator? New Jersey housewife? self-conscious gay man?)” – C. 9, “while you were all in there, two guys, we thought we were in the shit but was only two gays, French guys, looking for restaurant—” – Gyuri, Boris’ driver, mentions this and Theo does not respond or have an internal monologue about The Gays™, it completely flies over his internalised homophobic head as he is shell-shocked from having The Goldfinch back showing that as long as it remains in the abstract and away from him, he does not care.

Theo’s relationship with homosexuality when it regards himself:

Theo does not like to be linked with anything that could possibly paint him as gay. This is a form/manifestation of internalised homophobia as this depicts behaviour that believes to be gay is “other”, not “the norm”, and a bad thing to be in our heteronormative society.

He is worried that people will perceive him as gay or lesser for having Popper with him (I think he’s a Maltese or something).

He wishes he had a dog that was more “masculine” – (less “gay”).

The fact that he says he “felt embarrassed to walk on the street” with his “completely gay” dog is another example of internalised homophobia – wanting to move away from anything that can remotely constitute to him being part of something “other” than the “norm”.

The language Theo uses to describe men flirting with him is extreme to say the least. He says that men flirting with him was “freaking [him] out thoroughly” and that he “dreaded” the “older, British” guy “always hitting on [him]”. Now, this could be perceived as just plain old homophobia, however, due to its extreme nature, it led me to believe that it is internalised. The adverb “thoroughly” depicts how disturbed Theo is by being hit on by this guy. This subsequently shows that the sense of discomfort he feels comes from a place of fear. He doesn’t want to have to respond to this guy as that would be acknowledging homosexuality regarding himself and linking himself to homosexuality.

One of the ways he justifies himself and his (none existent lmao) heterosexuality is by attempting to remove a link between himself and homosexuality. He does this by reinforcing the fact that he was slept with women in the sentence right after. He reminds the audience at the first possible instance that he can, that he is in fact not gay and sleeps with women (e.g: “one of the girls I slept with”)s

Theo’s Romantic Relationships with Women and How They Depict a Lack of Enthusiasm:

Kitsey

Theo’s descriptions of her in the book remain cold. He never seems to truly love her. We only really ever see Kitsey in cool coloured clothing (Ah! In the sky-blue?” – Theo and Kitsey’s engagement party, Chapter 10 – The Idiot), even Boris refers to her as “a bit icy to look at, no?...She – she is a lily, a snowflake! Less frosty in private, I hope?” (Chapter 10 – The Idiot).

The semantic field created by the use of “icy” and “frosty” from Boris, an outsider to Theo and Kitsey’s relationship, manages to clearly demonstrate to the audience, or anyone really looking at their relationship, that is a passionless one.

The significance of Boris referring to Kitsey as a “lily”, the traditional flower symbolic with death, is astounding as it reinforces that Theo and Kitsey’s relationship is passionless, cold, and dead.

Additionally: “Boris laughed. “And you love her, yes. But not too much.” / “Why do you say that?” / “Because you are not mad, or wild, or grieving!” (Chapter 10 – The Idiot).

“To my astonishment, she was blushing” – Kitsey is depicted as reserved emotionally by Theo throughout the novel, this contributes to his perception of her as “cold”. His “astonishment” here is at the fact that 1) She is showing emotion, an emotion that is linked to a considerable amount of vulnerability, and 2) The act of “blushing” is also linked to heat and warmth, which, Kitsey, apparently, is not.

“ruthless” – Theo also tries to portray Kitsey as “ruthless” despite the fact that in this scene, he is the crueller, colder party.

There is also another semantic field of coldness here, but this time it is Theo who wants to remain cold to Kitsey. This is symbolic of his passionless feelings for her and their relationship, removing himself from any sort of intimacy with her.

Pippa

Theo believes that he is in love with Pippa and whilst he definitely does love her platonically, he is not in love with her. He is obsessed with her. He is obsessed with Pippa in the same way he is to The Goldfinch – it’s one of the only things he has left that is able to link him to his mother, it’s one of the only things he has that can comfort him like his mother could. In short, it is something he feels vulnerable around due to it’s connection to the museum bombing, as well as his mother’s own fondness and bond with the painting. Pippa is to him as The Goldfinch was to his mother – a piece of artwork with astounding beauty. Pippa is merely something that he feels connected to, because of his mother – hence why he holds onto Pippa, as well as The Goldfinch, so tightly.

He does not love Pippa, he commodifies her. He describes her to the reader as he does The Goldfinch – (I mean the parts where he’s like UWU Her Limp! UWU Her Hair! UWU I’m Taking Her Hair Out Of The Trash! But alas, I couldn’t find them, forgive me). His love for her is obsession and Theo is even, minutely, aware of this himself.

He also feels a bond with Pippa, which is reciprocated by her, as they both lost their parental figure the day of the bombing. They were both left devastated by the loss of their parental figure – only their grief manifested in different ways. (For Pippa hers way through the physical injuries she received and having to spend time at the school for “troubled” girls in Switzerland, whereas Theo’s grief is shown through him not eating and sleeping whilst at the Barbour’s and then his drug and alcohol abuse in Vegas with Boris)

The great love he feels and shares with Pippa is clearly platonic however, he could be mistaking this love they have for romantic as a result of compulsory heterosexuality – (I’m using compulsory heterosexuality in this case as an LGBTQ+ individual feeling that they have to have romantic feelings/relations to people of the opposite gender/sex, and subconsciously forcing themselves to do so - due to the heteronormative society we live in) – but idk I’d have to look into that more.

Manifestations of Internalised Homophobia in Theo’s Behaviour/Lifestyle:

Denial/failure to acknowledge The Gay™ - see Vegas Boris relationship,

Attempts to pass as het/marrying for social approval – see marrying Kitsey, not loving her, marrying her for social approval from the Barbour’s (Mrs Barbour happy),

*Dropping out of school – see Vegas era – no work, on drugs and drunk at school, NY – works to get into early college program but doesn’t excel once he’s there, doesn’t try, takes 6 years to finish,

*Self-monitoring – the pills addiction, e.g: bit at the end where he obsessively monitors the amounts of shit he takes, his obsession with what he wears/how he appears socially,

*Substance Abuse babey! – see, the entire fucking novel,

*Suicide attempts babey! – see the end of the novel (Amsterdam) + after Amsterdam when he reveals that he’s tried before.

(All the bullets with a * I think have other reasons contributing to why Theo has those behaviours – I don’t think they’re solely because of internalised homophobia, e.g: substance abuse – a way of him going through his grief for his mother that he never really gets over because it’s a shit coping mechanism tbh)

Theo and Boris’ Relationship:

I think Theo and Boris’ relationship is the best example in “The Goldfinch” of Theo’s internalised homophobia as it covers an entire ass range of shit. For example:

Theo’s descriptions of Boris – This motherfucker goes on and fucking on about the way Boris looks like, bro we get it – he’s cute. Does he do this for literally anyone else in the novel? No (apart from his mother really but that’s on obsession not homo) – I would provide quotes, but quite frankly, this essay has gone on way longer than I anticipated and I cannot be bothered because there’s far too many for me to find.

The Moon Metaphor:

The moon represents home for Theo due to the story his mother told him. Boris is intrinsically linked to the moon. Theo couldn’t think about Pippa because “the moon was so large and clear”, cased closed.

How much Theo hates Kotku for no reason – and that’s on jealousy!

Theo and Boris literally fucking – Theo can only deal with this when he’s drunk (as that’s when they did it??). We also know that it actually meant something to him due to his incessant fucking assurance to us that it didn’t mean anything.

Like the entire few pages the excerpt below comes from, you know the ones:

The last time he sees Boris in Vegas – The entire “which was, of course, I love you” spiel he gives - change my mind, that is the gayest shit I’ve ever fucking read.

This entire fucking part:

Boris is trying to lighten the mood since Theo’s freaking the fuck out about losing The Goldfinch. When he realised Theo’s freaked out by The Gay™ (“No, no!” he said quickly, shaking his head, when he saw the look on my face”) he tries to comfort him because he knows Theo’s freaking the fuck out and that does not help the current situation (“I think it happens at that age sometimes”).

Theo is fucking really disturbed by the fact he’s being confronted with The Gay Shit™ he did in his youth (“My laugh spluttered out angrily, as if I’d coughed or choked on something”) and that’s on internalised homophobia.

+ You know that part somewhere in Chapter 10 where they’re in a diner or something Boris says something like “girlfriend or boyfriend” and Theo like literally gets up to leave? HAHA? What’s that about? – I couldn’t find it so sorry about that lol but here you go anyways.

In conclusion: it’s gay.

+ All that analysis is great, but why does this happen? Why does he experience this internalised homophobia?

In short, idk, it’s a question I’ve asked myself when suffering the same thing and thing only reason I can think as to why internalised homophobia is experienced - when you’re not part of a religion that says no (apparently) or an inherently homophobic environment - is simply because society is heteronormative. Because of this, you don’t see yourself represented in media or in the world (especially if you don’t know of/meet LGBTQ+ relatives/friends/role models when your young – or at all for that matter). It becomes really hard to see yourself in the world and whenever you do it feels really alien? It feels either like the greatest gift you’ve ever fucking had or a strange, unsettling event that you weren’t prepared for. Because there’s so little representation it feels like a fucking revelation whenever it is there – it’s a reminder that you are allowed to be a person, you have a place in this world as an LGBTQ+ person, you are right – you are not wrong or a fuck up, y’know? But then, it’s gone again too soon and you still feel not quite right?

TLDR – Theo (most likely) experiences internalised homophobia because of society being icky and also because I said so.

#the goldfinch #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #hyperfixation whom? idk her! #i love how i've done this instead of work towards my actual english quallification #i'm so sorry if you've read all that #a gold star for whomever managed to read this monstrosity

[your-brother-crutchie]

Prosopagnosic

Race has been hiding his Prosopagnosia for three years but it just keeps getting harder. 

So, I took inspiration from Holding Up the Universe for this but, at the same time, I only took the Prosopagnosia (because I didn’t know about it before). It’s been a long time since I read that book and I didn’t like it much so the ideas are my own.

Race kept his head down on the way through the school hall. It had been three years and, as of one week ago, Race had finally got a diagnosis. After falling from the gangway of Medda’s theatre, Race had managed to knock something in his brain a little out of whack. He struggled to recognise people, not understanding how all of their features came together to form a face that he should be able to distinguish straight away.

He smiled at everyone he passed, waving occasionally as he tried to keep on everyone’s good sides. Race’s number one rule was to be passively friendly to anyone. Make no enemies and you can avoid most of the issues.

“Hey, Race!” 

This was the worst situation. People who used his nickname tended to be his friends but, sometimes, other kids that he knew from classes would call out to him when they passed. Race felt time running in slow motion as he analysed the person walking up to him.

Tall. Dark hair. Green eyes. Nose.

“I heard you were out yesterday afternoon because of a doctor’s appointment. How are you?” Davey smiled, pausing outside his locker to collect his things as Race came to rest beside him.

He laughed, suddenly nervous as he realised that he’d gone three years, struggling through and managing not to tell any of his friends that he had an issue. Now that he had a name for it, Race should probably let people know but, suddenly, he was worried that people would still laugh at him for it.

Race gulped, considering his options before settling with, “Yeah, good. I’m fine.”

When he turned down the hall, Race smiled when he saw Crutchie heading towards them. Crutchie was the only person that Race could pick out straight away because of his crutch. He had to be careful, however, because he almost got incredibly confused when Specs came in on crutches one morning.

“Race, Davey, have you seen Jack? I need him to paint some last minute set pieces.” Crutchie seemed desperate, he was glancing around quickly, nodding politely to pretty much everyone as he scanned the crowd. He turned back to the boys, seeing Race shaking his head and laughing slightly, “Race, you never know where anyone is. I swear, it’s like you don’t even know who we are half the time!”

Laughing uncomfortably, Race nodded before a pair of hands covered his eyes. He jumped about a mile, trying to shake them off before settling when the person behind him laughed, “Guess who.” He knew that his friends didn’t know what was wrong with him but Race couldn’t help but feel like this was just an unnecessary taunt.

“It’s not Jack because Crutchie would have pounced on him by now. It’s not Specs or Romeo because they come as a double act and I haven’t heard Romeo’s annoying laugh yet. It’s not Jojo because he has more sense than to accost someone in the hallway and it’s not Darcy because he’s usually in the library about now. Albert was a possibility but Albert smells like bubblegum all the time and you have the distinct scent of Lynx so, either you’ve been fucking Spot Conlon or you’re the King of Brooklyn himself.”

When he had to blink against the harsh, fluorescent lights, Race knew he’d done well, “Nice work, Pasta, I’m impressed. Remember though, there’s only one spot in my bed and it’s got your name on it.” Race turned around to see Spot …

Short. Angry. Tooth gap. Lynx.

… smirking at him. 

Spot and Race were not involved. They were friends and that was all. Spot’s favourite joke, however, was to insinuate that there could be a chance between them. It was cruel and it was mean but Spot didn’t know that Race was gay so what could he expect? Or that Race was a little bit obsessed with the Brooklyn boy. Just a little bit though. It wasn’t like he was completely head-over-heels for this boy who would probably never even look at him like that.

“In your dreams, Brooklyn.” Race smiled, leaning back against the lockers as Spot leaned forwards with a grin. He couldn’t help but have to flick his eyes away to avoid following slightly when Spot stepped back again.

Rolling his eyes, Davey apologised to Crutchie that he couldn’t help him either before watching him leave, only turning back to Spot and Race when Crutchie had turned the corner. Davey wasn’t blind, he was aware of Race’s potential feelings, they were what made their interactions painful to watch, “I have to head to English now. I’ll see you two at the basketball court later?”

Their friend group always met at the basketball court when school ended. It had benches in the shade for whilst they waited for everyone to turn up and, for those that wanted to, they could have intense mini basketball matches. Race used to love basketball. He was really good at it, as well. Unfortunately, since he’d hit his head, he couldn’t play. The split second you got to decide whether you wanted to pass or not wasn’t quite long enough for him to figure out who the person standing to his right was or whether or not they were on his team.

When Spot and Race nodded, Davey smiled, closed his locker and went on his way to English with his arms full of books that weren’t always particularly necessary. The two boys watched him go, neither quite understanding why you would take more supplies than you needed. Race showed up to lessons with a pen and that was all. Occasionally, he took a pencil instead.

Race had been let out of class early and was dribbling a basketball around the court as he waited for his friends to be let out. He smiled, feeling the roughness of the ball under his fingers before shooting and watching the ball sink easily through the hoop. He shot again and again, scoring every time, before running forward for a layup, slamming the ball into the hoop and hanging for a moment before dropping to the ground and collecting the ball.

“Jesus Christ, Pasta, you’re bloody good! I want you on my team today.” Race jumped as he swung around, seeing someone standing and watching him, clapping as they stepped onto the court.

Lynx.

Shaking his head quickly, Race let the ball drop to the ground and bounce away from him, cowering from the idea of having to take part in the match when the others showed up, “No, I- no. I don’t play basketball.” He watched tentatively as Spot grabbed the ball, bouncing it a couple of times before passing it to Race and nodding as his instincts quickly brought his hands up to catch it.

As Spot chuckled, he flicked his eyebrows up and gestured for Race to pass it back, “I think you do.” Race and Spot passed the ball between them for a few minutes, showing off with trick shots and technical dribbling.

When more of their friends started appearing, Race checked them off one-by-one in his head. Albert, Finch, Darcy, Buttons, Jojo, Katherine, Jack, Davey, Sarah, Crutchie, Specs, Romeo, Elmer, and Smalls. Teams were made on the go, with Albert, Jojo, and Smalls joining Spot and Race to play against, Finch, Katherine, Jack, Sarah, and Elmer.

As the game got underway, Race tried to avoid the ball as much as possible as Spot and Smalls led the team. He ignored the funny looks from Spot as he flinched back from the ball when it was passed to him, freezing and panicking when he caught it before throwing it to Elmer, despite Elmer being on the other team. 

He would block Jojo instead of Elmer but no one quite understood why. Whenever Race was near the net, he scored perfectly. The problem was that he kept passing to the other team so that they could score too. Eventually, Spot pulled him away in a timeout and made him look at him, “Hey? What’s going on? You distracted or something?” Race simply cleared his throat as he pulled away from Spot, turning to see all of his friends watching them before cringing towards Spot again for protection.

“I’m just not good at basketball. I forget who’s on the teams.” Poking his head out and seeing that no one was watching anymore, Race took a step back as his shoulders sagged.

Spot laid a hand on Race’s shoulder to keep him in place as he stepped after him, “If you still can’t remember that we have Jojo and not Elmer then maybe you should get that checked, Race? I’m only worried about you.” He watched Race’s eyes, obviously trying to watch for a slip up as Race simply stared back in defiance.

Tensing his shoulders and pushing Spot away slightly, Race brought his posture as tall as possible to tower over the Brooklyn boy with a snarl lingering on his lips, “I’m fine! I told you, I just don’t play basketball! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I forgot something from my locker.” Race shoved Spot out of his way as he barged passed, ignoring the confused stares and whispers from his friends, ones he couldn’t be bothered to identify for that split second.

As he stalked down the corridors, anger bubbling behind his eyes, Race heard an, “Oi, Higgins!” over his shoulder. ‘Higgins’ was common for his friends. He wouldn’t have been surprised by, ‘oi,’ either, and the tone, although harsh, wasn’t particularly out of character for Spot or Finch. So, Race turned around and walked closer, ready to confront them about following him.

Big mistake.

Feeling a shove on his shoulder, Race furrowed his eyebrows. The boys stood in front of him were identical, or at least, Race thought they were. 

Dark hair. Twins. ???

There was a part of Race that wondered whether it could be Jojo and Darcy but those boys were too gentle. They wouldn’t be shoving him around and snarling at him. However, Race didn’t want to just punch them incase it was two of his friends.

“We heard you’ve been sniffing around our sister.”

So they were definitely brothers but they weren’t Jojo and Darcy. Those two didn’t have a sister. They definitely weren’t any of his friends because no one cared anymore, Jack had dated basically everyone anyway, and Race hadn’t met any of their sisters. Although Race was very gay, he also wasn’t out so the rumour wasn’t too far-fetched but it did mean that he had absolutely no idea which female they were referring to since he wasn’t actually at all interested in any.

Clearing his throat gently, Race raised his hands between them to show that he was innocent before opening his mouth and potentially making a fool out of himself, “Look, boys, you’re going to have to be more specific.” Yep, he managed to make a fool out of himself.

A fist was cracking against Race’s cheek before he even saw it coming. It sent him spiralling, smacking against the floor before stretching his jaw out painfully as he tried to clamber to his feet. However, hands pushed him down again, sending him back to the floor before he felt feet landing blows on his side. Over and over again.

“Hey, Oscar, Morris! Clear off!” The Delancey brothers, not twins after all, ran when they heard someone coming down the corridor. Race immediately tried to scramble to his feet, coughing and wincing as he felt his bruises burning as they formed.

Arms suddenly came to help him but Race shoved them off quickly, trying not to show his pain as he stood up straight and disregarded the person who’d helped him immediately. All of his friends were outside so it couldn’t be any of them, “Look, thanks, mate, but I’ve got it, okay? I’ve got to get back to my friends.” He shrugged the boy away, regarding him with hostility to scare him but finding him just watching him instead, “What?”

The boy seemed to take a step back, not quite understanding what was happening as Race just looked at him blankly, “Race, it’s Jack. Did you hit your head or something?” Race’s eyes flared as he immediately took in Jack’s face, piecing together his features for the first time.

Dark hair. Flat cap. Jawline. Paint splatters.

Race backed away, realising that he probably couldn’t keep hiding anymore. It wasn’t like Jack was going to keep this to himself. He was the kind of person who asked other people what to do about situations that he didn’t understand.

Sighing, Race felt his back hitting the lockers and sank down to the floor, “Get Spot.” He dropped his head into his hands, knowing that Jack would probably bring Crutchie and Davey as well. Honestly, that was better. As few times as Race had to explain this as possible was a lot more preferable. 

When Jack returned with Crutchie, Davey, and Spot, Race gestured for them to join him and immediately leaned against Spot, who sat next to him. Race mulled it over for a few moments, thinking about how he could say this without offending them.

Your faces aren’t memorable enough for me.

“Okay, um. For three years now I’ve had real trouble being able to put faces to names- as in, regardless of how long I’ve known you. Like, instead, I have to manually put together your distinguishing features and work it out. It just takes me looking away to lose you again and, even though logic tells me it’s still the same person when I blink, I can’t see that. I actually went to the doctor a lot last week and they’ve- um. They’ve diagnosed me with Prosopagnosia, which is  the thing that I thought it was.”

Within seconds, Davey was googling and handing his phone around to the other boys as Race sat in silence, waiting for them to say something.

“After you fell from the gangway … Wait, so, if we’re not in front of you, you don’t know what we look like?” Jack asked hesitantly, handing the phone to Spot who was reading quickly, and looked up to Race.

Swallowing, Race nodded carefully before pausing to think about it, “Well, I know that Spot has a gap between his teeth and smells like Lynx and I know that Davey has a strong nose and that you’ve usually got paint on your face but I can’t picture it. You’re easy, Crutch, but I did get confused when Specs broke his leg.”

Crutchie smiled softly, pulling Race into his side when he saw that he had tears quivering behind his eyes, “It’s okay, Race. We’re not going to stop loving you for something you can’t help.” He hugged the Italian boy, accepting the phone from Spot and nudging Race upright and towards him.

When Race looked towards Spot, he saw the boy watching him carefully, offering his arms for Race to fall into, “Race, I think you’re perfect, okay? Were you mixing up Jojo and Elmer on the basketball court?”

Nodding shamefully, Race hid his head in the crook of Spot’s neck as he struggled against tears. He’d been so worried about this for three whole years, hiding desperately as best as he could, and here were some of his best friends telling him that they loved him anyway, “I didn’t have enough time between passes.” Race felt Spot’s hand on the back of his head, slowly drifting through his curls before pulling him away gently.

“Hey, Race? Nobody here is shaming you for this.” Spot stared into Race’s eyes until the boy nodded with him, finally clicking that he was okay. When Race closed his eyes to sigh deeply, he opened them again to find that Spot’s gaze had fallen to below his nose. He snapped back upwards, however, and Race took it as him simply breaking eye contact for a second, “We all love you.”

#newsies #newsies fanfiction #rowan writes #rowan writes sprace #sprace #spot/race #spot conlon #racetrack higgins #Jack Kelly #davey jacobs #crutchie morris #crutchie #jojo #elmer #the delancey brothers #prosopagnosic racetrack higgins