Any tf2 headcanons?
I was hoarding this ask for when I have alot of hcs but I now realize that that was an awful idea becuz now there too much going on in my brain. So I'll tell you the ones I can remember rn.
(btw this is gonna be a mess of silly and sad contention into a blender, so sorry for any whiplash)
Everyones business last name is TF2. It's canon, Ms Pauling said so.
Scout and Ms Pauling have one thing in common, they're simps for women out of their league and it's sad.
My current idea of the plot is that Ms Pauling is now the new administrator and the mercs are still working for her but now instead of a war they are now a Hire-A-Merc organization. Why, so they can pay the blood pact that the old administrator got them in from Abraham Lincoln.
The team is a merge for BLU and RED team members.
BLU: Scout, Medic, Soldier, Engineer | RED: Heavy, Demo, Spy, Sniper, Pyro
Engie has an gaming channel.
Engie is a little person. (you can't convince otherwise LOOK AT HIM)
Engie does his own surgery, not that he doesn't trust Medic. He just doesn't trust Medic. He has more trust that in his drunken state he could chop his arm off cleaner than Medic because of his god complex.
Engie says trans rights.
Engie has two moods: Wholesome bumpkin or manic "i am better than all of you".
Medic and Heavy are married. (but to be fair thats just canon)
Medic never had a medical license but he did go to school... for animal care.
Medic has a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine degree and lied ALOT to military when he got drafted to get out safely.
He got a nazi skeleton and dead parents out of that.
Medic burn his documents so now the only people that knows is the people he tells like Heavy.
Medic only have two reasons for being here- 1) to experiment on everyone. 2) Heavy
Medic eats like a cat eating a dragon fruit. And so does Archimedes.
Medic is the definition of "no rules no boundaries he doesn't flinch at torture and sells blood for money. He's your new best friend."
Medic is slowly going more insane with time and can't tell if it's because he sold his soul to the devil or because someone is secretly fucking with him. (it's Spy)
Heavy met Medic before joining the team.
Heavy has a cooking channel.
He's a masochist. (he has too if he's with Medic.)
Heavy will kill Soldier before he starts having kids with Zhanna. He's still not ok with him.
Heavy has lots of cute moles on him. (Medic makes sure to kiss each one and make sure they're not lethal.)
While Im at it Heavy family is cursed to fall in-love with insane men.
Pyro-vision is just Pyro going through a heat stroke.
Pyro is the leader of the hate spy club.
Pyro has kids that live in the ocean with his mermaid wife. Don't ask how, it's Pyro.
Engie and Scout are the only ones that understand what Pyro is saying completely.
Engie adopted Pyro unofficially but that's his son right there.
Soldier and Zhanna are gonna have twins.
Soldier and Demo had kiss once- with their socks on.
Medic did a blood test on Soldier and he actually is not 100% American, he doesn't know and everyone intends it to stay that way.
Soldier and Scout actually know each other from before getting hired by BLU. They were comrade in the 100,000 new men program in Vietnam.
After Scout left in general discharge from a land mine incident he thought that would be the laat time he sees him. He was wrong.
Don't worry they're chill, well as chill as man can be when their hand is somehow a magnet to your neck.
Sniper is a social smoker.
Sniper is like a lizard, he doesn't fuck with the cold.
Sniper is younger than Scout. He just spent too much time in the sun and now he looks like a divorce 40 y/o dad struggling with his mortgage. Or just a brown Adam Sandler.
Sniper got those old man bones AKA my bones. His knees be cracking down the hall.
Sniper hops round different peoples places for the holidays. He spent the most time at Engie's house with Pyro; he had spent a Christmas or two with Scout's family but a "certain someone" doesn't appreciate the bushman there and ruining his holiday with his family.
When Scout has to give directions or details of the area he just draws it. Because NO ONE understands this mans writing.
Scout's life mission is to be Gods greatest gift and not just for the women. Like the bible said "a hole is a hole"... or atleast thats what Scout remembers from church.
Scout while being illiterate CAN speak Spanish, Italian, Vietnamese and French. (but he doesn't remember where he learned french from tho.)
Scout is resistant to radiation at this point.
Before becoming a merc, Scout was working at a diner that fitted him quite well.
Waffle House at the graveyard shift.
Scout's fuckboy attitude comes from daddy issues while Spy slut attitude comes from mommy issues.
Spy came from a rich family until he ran away to help in the war effort and became a spy. He doesn't regret his decision nor miss his home but does wish he did a proper goodbye to his brother.
The reason Spy has teeth capsules in his mouth to begin with is because one time him and a his fellow spy were getting torture by the enemy by having their teeth removed. Now all his teeth are fake.
Speaking of teeth, Scout got his buck-teeth from Spy.
Spy HAS gotten lungs transplanted several times from Medic because this mf refuses to chill out and get help with his smoking problem.
Spy is gender fluid.
Spy is a furry.
Demo is going to kill him one day.
That day is when he finds his DA account.
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Humans are Space Orcs
Part 2
When Major Kovac returned to the accommodation his mercenary unit the "Dark Horses" were currently occupying his injuries, the attack by the Flet and his survival via an item of fruit seemed for some reason to cause a broad range of reactions.
His lover Captain Becca first looked nauseated when seeing him bleeding, then embraced him fiercely and then slapped him for getting hurt.
Captain Wolf seemed shocked more that Kovac was slowed by his blood loss than that he had overcome three "winged fucking puma" before joining in with Captain Dorman who both laughed and mocked while Kovac's wounds were cleaned, sterilized and dressed - this appeared to be a painful process.
Captain Gillespie was concerned for the safety of the Major and the rest of the unit.
Various riflemen in Kovac's service took moments to visit their commander and confirm he was ok, some like Knickers and Sergeant "Panther" both spoke of seeking immediate vengeance, others wanted to know how soon he would recover. Different human responses to the same event is something I've never fully understood.
Finally Kovac called a meeting of his commissioned officers. I was allowed along to witness.
"So if it's not personal and Kovac is adamant he hasn't stuck his bellend in a Flet, it can't be to stop us taking a contract as we have one lined up it must be professional, something from back in the day." Captain Becca said.
"That is a lot of history, we all served together in the United Nations Galactic Defence Force, the Galactic Defence Force and we've had 3 years as the Dark Horses, I can count a dozen conflicts with the Flet as primary antagonists and perhaps another dozen where they've been involved to some degree." Wolf looked at Kovac, "brother I love you but you picked a few fights in your time."
Captain Dorman shook his head, "It could be any of us or all of us, take out the Major and we're gonna find ourselves rudderless, we need to find an answer."
"If we are all at risk we need to look to our defences and I hate to say it but my troops are the weak link, medics are good soldiers but they aren't combat specialists like the rest of you, neither are the rest of my troop." Captain Gillespie gave a sigh, "we may have to confine them to lines."
"Good point Gillie, Bex 2 troop are gonna be in charge of keeping 4 troop safe; Dorman 3 troop sweep the lines, find any weak links, Wolf the whole of 1 troop are now on guard duty, have a roster drawn up and let the sergeants work out a routine between the troops." Kovac looked at his officers, "nobody goes off base alone, we travel in fire teams at least."
"Alright, and the Major has two guards at all times, I'm pretty sure I have the volunteers," said Becca, her tone brooking no argument.
An hour later Kovac was sitting in a chair facing an irate Becca flanked by the raw-boned, taciturn Knickers and the vociferous Cassidy, better known as Barbie his body guard.
"No, damn it Rad you're injured, you're not going out as bait now; or ever!" Becca said, her voice shaking.
"Im not waiting for them to come here, besides this time I'll have Knickers and Barbie watching my back," Kovac said calmly.
"Hey now Captain, I know you're worried but it may have all been a case of mistaken identity, perhaps they never wanted the Major." Barbie suggested, smiling sweetly.
"Yeah they no doubt saw him, and thought 'Oh hey, that 6'6" human built like a brick-proverbial with the white hair of an octogenarian he's close enough to our target' the Major is pretty damn unique looking." Knickers said with her usuall ascerbic tone.
The two women shared a glare as Kovac laughed, "look I trust these two with my life, more importantly I trust them with each other's lives, we'll be fine and if we get a bite and land something then we will have some answers."
Becca scowled a moment but finally nodded and the three left the fortified accommodation and returned to the market, Kovac shopped for a few hours, organising supplies and delivery, Knickers and Barbie sat at a table in the centre of the market, ostensibly sharing a meal but their eyes never stopped scanning the crowds. Kovac finished his errands and then stopped one merchant and asked for directions, once he received them he set off out of the market. The planet they were calling home was designated "Pelcar-3" and was known as the way station of the system, almost all trade routes went through Pel3 and as a result there were many storage districts, one of which Kovac entered now.
The warehouse was mostly empty but waiting inside was a Ditiri, humanoid in shape Ditiri were covered with a fine fur that gave them a "fluffy" appearance, they had a trader society and were not above working in less than reputable circles. Physically they were no threat to a human, moving significantly slower than most space faring species they did however have remarkably sharp minds and were considered cunning to the extreme.
Kovac and the Ditiri spoke for some time before the Major gained some information he was looking for.
"Flet will work for anyone, not like the Rhul, they are like humans in that respect, more so unlike Burtuq and Garax, Flet will work independently and not insist on being hired as a group, those three may have only been together for that job." Yellow eyes regarded the Major, "you are known Major Kovac, your achievements are known, past exploits may be coming back to haunt you."
Kovac nodded his thanks and the meeting ended, for the first time since I had met Kovac I feared for his safety. Kovac had fought in multiple wars if a former enemy was targeting the Major then entire star empires could be focusing their revenge on him and while the Dark Horses were good, they were not enough.
I don't know if Kovac heard the attackers, Flet are as silent as the earth felines they were nicknamed for but he threw himself to his left as a clawed paw lashes out at him, he landed heavily and rolled over coming to rest on his back, one foot planted on the floor with his knee bent and one leg raised off the ground with his knee pulled up to his chest, both arms bent so his hands were either side of his head, the largest Flet I had ever seen lunged at Kovac who raised his elevated foot higher.
The Flet was centimetres from Kovac when it dropped like a stone, behind it stood Knickers with a large club. She stared down at the motionless beast for a moment then nodded at Kovac, "plan worked," she said.
Barbie hurried to help Kovac up, "are you ok? Did it catch you? I forget how damn quick they are, thank God you're quick like a freak." She gave a small grunt as she pulled Kovac up, "you're not hurt are you? The captain would stab me in the tits if you got hurt...so would Knickers mind."
Kovac was adjusting the Flet on the ground and with a single movement heaved the 9 foot creature onto his shoulders with a slight grunt. "Gnnh I'm fine Barbs, really I am, thank you Knix, I owe you."
"No you don't" replied Knickers, she gestured and led the odd looking trio forward.
At the horses headquarters Wolf and Kovac had tied the Flet to the chair, while Wolf hummed a child's tune "pussy cat, pussy cat" a nursery rhyme that was fast becoming an abusive and xenophobic anthem when sung near Flet; Kovac left the room and returned with a bag, he crouched infront of the Flet and stared at the prisoner for a while. Then he spoke.
"Did you see the others?"
The Flet stared back for a long moment before giving the human "nod".
"Good," Kovac stood and walked to a low table, he set the bag down and reached inside. The first thing he pulled out was a pineapple, the kitty flinched at the sight of it, Kovac set it down on the table, then he reached into the bag again, he pulled a bunch of bananas out held them up while staring at the Flet before setting them on the table beside the pineapple, he followed this with an orange and then a yellow fruit that was oblong shaped the size of his fist, he paused for a moment looking first at the fruit then at the Kitty with an appraising look, finally he pulled out three limes individually setting them on the table before returning his focus to the agitated looking Flet. He looked in the bag and then at Wolf who gave a grin while producing a knife seemingly from nowhere, Wolf nodded encouragingly. Kovac seemed to hesitate before finally plunging his hand into the bag and placing at the end of the fruit chain a single kumquat. Wolf picked up the pineapple and spun it on the palm if his hand, his knife caught the light and glittered.
"Stop" squeaked the Kitty.
"Talk!" Yelled Becca from behind him.
Something that isn't understood by many is that the Flet are a matriarchal culture, the males may be the face of the military arm of their society but their females run the rest, so for the already intimidated Kitty having a female scream an order at it had a profound effect.
The Kitty talked he gave answers to all the questions he was asked only once did hesitate but Captain Becca's threat to "fuck him up with a kumquat" was enough to break his final resolve.
After the Flet was thrown out Kovac called an assembly, soon 150 men and women were assembled and Kovac spoke to them. He told them he was the target of the Flet Cosmic Imperium, it seemed he had been deemed responsible for the death of the heir to the throne and so was now sentenced to death. He informed them that there was no help to be called on and it was him against the Imperium, all of them were free to leave with his blessing, not a single soldier left there seat.
Some would tell you that this was human loyalty but they would be wrong, this was human insanity. Most of those thought Kovac stood a chance and those that didn't were so stubborn they wouldn't back down from intimidation.
In my fibres though I must admit that Kovac of all the humans I've known did make me wonder if he could achieve the impossible and defeat the Imperium with only 150 soldiers.
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Twelve
There was a drawn-out silence as the mice and Chex sized each other up. After a moment, Throttle cleared his throat, stepping forward. "I'm sure you must be mistaken, Citizen," he began, attempting nonchalance. "We're just three normal bros, getting our bikes looked over by—"
"Oh, give it up," Chex snorted, crossing her arms. "I'm not an idiot. There's nothing wrong with my eyeballs. And those helmets don't render you invisible, so you might as well take 'em off. I don't know who you think you're fooling. If alien mice doesn't explain all the fur, then my next guess is the evolutionary Missing Link. Or very short Yeti."
Alley stifled a laugh, and Throttle shot her an annoyed glance as he slowly pulled his helmet off. Vinnie and Modo followed his lead.
"Well, damn," Chris said softly, eyes wide.
"Told you," Chex replied, looking smug. She practically vibrated where she stood, she was so excited. "Man, I can't believe they've been here all this time. The club's gonna flip when I tell 'em I got to see them face to face!"
"Club?" Throttle repeated, frowning.
"It's some little forum she joined," Chris explained. "For people who think they've been abducted by aliens or some weird shit like that."
"Shut it, butt-head." Chex delivered another punch to his arm. "That's not what the club's about." She turned back to the mice. "You've saved a lot of people in Chicago since you've been here, right? Well, some of those people started an online forum to socialize and share experiences. Hypothesize about why you're even here. Stuff like that."
"And … you're one of those people," Throttle guessed.
"Sure am." Chex nodded at Modo. "Big Gray there saved my life awhile back."
The mouse straightened, startled by the sudden attention. "The name's Modo," he corrected. "Modo Maverick."
"Maverick, huh?" Her smile widened. "I like that. Totally a hero's name."
Modo beamed as Vinnie whistled and nudged him in the side.
"So what happened to you?" Charley wanted to know.
"There was some big skirmish downtown about three years ago. Felt like an earthquake or something. Total chaos, people running around, screaming like a buncha lunatics… And I remember there was this really weird whining. Sounded kinda like a drill, but deeper and a lot louder."
"Hey, I remember that!" Vinnie cut in. "Wasn't that when Limburger decided he was gonna dig under the big shopping center?"
"Yeah, he was lookin' for something. Anybody ever figure out what that was?" Modo asked, scratching his head.
"Who cares? He goes out an' makes with the boom-boom, we go in an' stop 'im. That's all we need ta know." Vinnie punched his fist into his palm with a wicked grin.
Chex huffed. "Yeah, well, I happened to be in that shopping center when it was all goin' down. Everything was crumbling around me and all the exits were getting blocked off. Some guy bowled me over, and I got my leg pinned. I was trying to pull free, and then these loud cracks went off right over my head. Sounded like a buncha gunshots. I thought someone had opened fire on top of everything else. So I looked up, and the freakin' wall's about to topple over." She shuddered, rubbing her arms. "I won't ever forget what that felt like, watching that slab of concrete falling in slo-mo right on top of me."
"So what then?" Alley asked, wide-eyed.
"Well, I sure wasn't goin' anywhere. When that asshole shoved me, I fell into the rubble and knocked something loose. Big chunk fell right on top of me. My leg was good and pinned. Hurt like hell, too. I just sorta buried my head in my arms and prayed I'd die quick, and I wouldn't end up buried alive or be laying there in agony for days wondering if anyone'd find me. I might've screamed, I guess. I don't really remember." Chex shrugged. "Someone heard something, though, 'cause when I figured out I still wasn't dead, that's when I looked back up and saw this huge gray … person standing over me, hefting that slab of concrete like a piece of paper. Just tossed it aside with his bare hands! And then he grabbed the big chunks pinning me down and tossed them, too. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and there was all this fur and metal and big ears … and then he started talking to me, asking if I was okay. And all I remember thinking is he was the biggest damned hamster I'd ever seen."
"Aw, c'mon!" Vinnie protested, tossing his hands in the air. "They never get it right! Why don't they ever get it right?"
"We're mice, ma'am. Just for future reference," Modo rumbled, mouth quirking.
"Well, sure, I can see that now," Chex snorted. "Waddaya want? I'd just lived through my first near-death experience. Sorry if I was a little delirious."
"Least you didn't call him a rat," Alley teased. "They hate that."
Modo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Seems I recall findin' a little girl pinned down, 'bout to be squashed flat. Your leg was busted up pretty bad, wasn't it? I pulled ya loose an' dropped you off at the ambulance outside. You were bleedin' out pretty heavily."
"Yeah." Chex nodded. "The femur bone was snapped in two places. And my tibia was broken so badly the bone ripped clean through the skin. Scary shit. I ended up in surgery and the hospital for two months, a full-leg cast another two months after that. Took a lot of therapy just so I could walk again, too." She pulled up her ripped legging, showing off a long, jagged scar that started at the middle of her calf and ran up under the material covering her upper leg. "Ends at the thigh. Pretty cool, huh?" she said proudly.
Modo whistled. "Impressive battle scar. You doin' okay now?"
"Sure. Leg still aches when the weather changes, and I won't ever win any marathons or anything, but I can walk, and even more importantly, I'm not a greasy smear on the pavement." Chex approached him, gray eyes searching his face as she took his metal hand into both of hers. He blinked down at her, nonplussed; it wasn't often a human willingly touched him, after all. "Like I said, I was really out of it back then, and I don't even remember if I thanked you," she told him sincerely. "So I'm saying it now. Thank you, Modo Maverick. You're a really good person. And I'm glad I can tell you that face to face."
Modo squirmed, ignoring the catcalls and whistles from his comrades as he smiled awkwardly down at her, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, it wasn't anything, ma'am," he mumbled, flustered. "Just doin' my job and all that."
Chex seemed to recall their audience then, quickly dropping his hand and stepping back, hooking her thumbs through the belt loops of her checkered skirt with a self-conscious shrug. "Yeah, well, just sayin'. Thanks," she mumbled, ducking her head. Her face was nearly as red as her hair. After a moment, she straightened up, affecting her usual aloof attitude. "Anyway. That's how I found out about alien mice. I had to know who you were, so while I was recovering, I started searching around on the net, looking for … I dunno, info on mutant rodents in the subways or something." She smirked at Vinnie's snort of disgust. "That's when I found the forum, and figured out there were others who'd been saved by giant talking, bike-riding mice, and there it is."
"And there it is. Gotta love social media. So much for covert operations."
All eyes turned to the black-clad figure coasting into the garage on a sleek black racer, taking in the scene from behind the visor of a wing-eared helmet.
Chris straightened up, surprised. "Hey! You're—"
"Yep. I'm," Stoker grunted, pulling the helmet off to meet his gaze with shrewd eyes. "And you're the whelp who stuck with our Alley Cat the other night. Thanks for that, kid."
"The name is Chris. Christopher Archer. And my sister is Constance."
"Chex. Call me Constance and I'll be forced to cut your tongue out," the redhead mumbled. "Cool bike, by the way. That's like … super stealth bike or something. I didn't even hear the engine."
"That's 'cause I turned it off," Stoker said with a chuckle, dismounting and rolling the bike over to Charley. "She needs a checkup, if you get the chance. Maybe some oil. Had a bit of a bumpy ride gettin' back."
"Run into some problems?" Charley asked.
"Just a few random goons out lookin' for trouble. Nothin' I couldn't handle. But they did get in a few shots to my ride here. Think one of 'em might've taken out the suspension."
"Poor baby. I'll have you fixed right up," Charley crooned, petting the dusty crankshaft affectionately. And damned if the bike didn't rumble right back.
Alley blinked. "Did … did that thing just purr at you?"
Charley laughed. "I did tell you Martian bikes are equipped with AI, right?"
"Uh, yeah, I seem to recall something about that. I just didn't—They actually respond to you? Like, they can understand what you say?" Alley looked the bike over with new appreciation.
"That is the general definition of artificial intelligence," Charley deadpanned.
"Wow. Real AI. How cool is that?" Chex crouched in front of Modo's bike. "Hey, if you can understand me, honk or something."
There was a moment of silence. Then a short, sharp beep sounded, startling Chex into falling back onto her rear. She gaped for a second, then laughed. "That is wicked! Where can I get one?"
"Forget it, Short Stack. Dad'll never let you get a motorcycle," Chris scoffed.
"I'm eighteen. He doesn't really have a say in the matter," she tossed back, hopping to her feet. "Hey, will you give me a ride?" She grinned up at Modo, who sputtered for a response.
"Chex, we're here to see Alley, remember?" Chris sighed.
"Oh, well, she could come along."
Alley's eyes widened. "Uhhh … no thanks. I've seen how these guys drive those things around. I'm rather attached to my life. I'd like to keep it, if it's all the same to you."
Chex laughed. "Wuss."
"If by 'wuss' you mean 'possessing a healthy dose of self-preservation', then yes. I am a huge wuss," she sniffed, smoothing down her skirt.
Beside her, Stoker chuckled low in his throat. "We'll have to work on that," he murmured, smirking down at her.
She pulled a face at him. "Where the hell have you been skulking around, anyway?"
"You miss me? I'm touched." He flashed a cheeky grin.
"Yeah, sure." She waved him off. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"Aw, honey, go easy on an old mouse's ego."
"Sir, your ego is indomitable. I'm sure nothing I say will make a dent," she huffed, a smile twitching around her lips despite her best efforts to remain stern.
He noticed, leaning in with a sly smile, eyes lidded as he prepared to turn up the charm.
Only Alley suddenly wasn't there anymore, having been pulled out from under his nose by Chris's grip on her arm. He straightened, glaring at the intruder. "You mind? We were having a private conversation."
Chris winced at the venom in his tone but, as before, refused to back down. He turned to Alley. "Listen, Chex and I have to be back at the dorms in a few hours. We promised our parents we'd have dinner with them tonight."
"You promised them," Chex corrected.
He ignored her. "Anyway, if you wanted to go shopping for a new phone, maybe have something to eat and do a little sightseeing downtown, we'd probably better leave soon."
"Oh. Sure, lemme go grab my purse. It's upstairs," Alley replied, shooting him a grateful smile as she turned to flee the garage.
"Cock-blocked!" Vinnie sang under his breath as soon as she left, earning himself a whack across the head by Stoker's palm and muffled sniggers from Modo and Throttle.
"And speaking of phones…" Stoker's tail whipped around and plucked the smartphone Chex had been using to covertly snap pictures neatly from her fingers. "Ah-ah. None of that now," he scolded, not unkindly, as he browsed the files.
"Hey!" she yelped. "Give that back! What're you doing?"
"Just a little damage control." He navigated the touch screen with ease before tossing the gadget back to her.
She hastily checked it over, jaw dropping. "You deleted them! You deleted everything! All of my info … my videos! Do you know how hard it was to get some of this stuff?" she lamented.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Stoker deadpanned, not looking sorry in the least. "No offense, Red, but I don't fancy having our ruggedly handsome mugs plastered all over the internet. Makes it real hard to work when you've got people out hunting you down for a celebrity snapshot. Kindly refrain from future endeavors."
Chex pouted. "What's wrong with wanting to show Chicago that we've got our very own superheroes protecting us from the mafia? The cops sure as hell don't do anything about it."
"Oh. Uh…" Alley offered a sheepish grin as she descended the stairs, having overheard the conversation. "Yeah, about that mafia story I fed you…"
Chex's eyes widened. "No way. Is Limburger an alien, too?"
"Something like that."
"Awesome!"
"Not really, no." Alley shot her a funny look. "He's trying to strip-mine the planet, starting with Chicago. There's nothing remotely awesome about it."
"Is that why he wants the school?" Chris asked. "He wants to rip it apart?"
"Likely. It's sitting on a choice piece of property," Stoker grunted. "Lots of resources to ship off to Plutark."
"Is that his planet? And that's why you guys are here. To stop him from doing it?"
"Yep."
"But why?" Chex asked. "I mean, this isn't your home. Why are you risking your necks for a world that doesn't even know you exist?"
"Because the Plutarkians are a disease that need to be wiped out," Modo growled, eye glowing. "They started with our planet Mars, and nearly demolished our entire race. Earth is next on the list, and unlike Mars, it doesn't have the kind of defenses needed to beat 'em off."
"And once they're through with this dirt ball, they'll move on to the next," Throttle added. "Just like a huge, smelly swarm of … waddaya call 'em? Locusts?"
"We do have nuclear weapons," Chris said doubtfully.
"Hah! The stinkfish live off that sorta thing!" Vinnie scoffed. "Toxic waste and radiation and destruction … they eat it for breakfast. A couple of nuclear bombs wouldn't even slow 'em down."
"Yeah, all you'd be doin' is helpin' em rip up the planet that much faster," Modo added, snapping his fingers for emphasis.
The twins exchanged glances. "The government—" Chris started.
"Is next to useless," Stoker cut him off with a snort. "They can't do anything we're not already doin'. Besides, it'll just come back to nuclear warfare and vaporizing their own planet in a useless attempt to get rid of the Plutarkians."
"Yeah, and then they'll probably turn around an' use the same methods on us," Vinnie grumbled.
"That's true," Charley agreed with a sigh. "I don't think Earth is ready for the knowledge that 'little green men' actually exist." She chuckled when Vinnie huffed, tweaking his ear. "Don't worry, you're all much cuter than E.T.," she teased.
"And about time you admitted it, Babe," he replied, crossing his arms smugly. But he was blushing under his fur.
"What I don't get," Alley cut in, "is how they don't already know. I mean, people are talking about you guys online, and Chex probably isn't the only one who's tried to take pictures and videos. Right?"
"Oh, sure." Chex shrugged. "Media gets posted on various sites all the time. The problem is, it never stays posted. It's like the moment new footage appears, the site goes poof for a few minutes. When it comes back online, all the footage is gone. Happens every time. The Mouseketeers think—"
"The Mouseketeers?"
Chex laughed at the disgust written across four furry faces. "It's what the forum folk call themselves. Don't look at me like that, I didn't come up with it!"
"Well, come up with somethin' else," Vinnie grumbled. "That name's just embarrassing!"
"Yeah, sure, I'll get right on that." Chex rolled her eyes. "Anyway, the general theory is the government is responsible for getting rid of the evidence. Keep the knowledge of alien warfare happening right under our noses from getting out to the general populace. Hold off the world-wide panic it'd cause. In the meantime, hope the two species end up wiping themselves out nice and neat, and save taxpayer dollars by not having to send in our own military to finish the job."
"And they're not at all worried that two alien species with superior technology battling over our planet might end up, I dunno, completely obliterating it instead?" Alley asked skeptically.
"Hey, I did say it was a theory."
"And that's all it is," Stoker put in, shaking his head with amusement. "Sorry to burst your conspiracy bubble, but none of Earth's governments are responsible for keepin' this invasion under wraps. Mars has been monitoring your satellites for decades. Any evidence of alien species that pops up is immediately eliminated, especially Martian and Plutarkian. Can't risk having our own civilization exposed trying to save yours, after all."
"You can't possibly silence everyone who finds out about you," Chris argued. "What about the probes we send up?"
"Bah. Inferior Earthen technology. Easily compromised," the mouse snorted. "As for the rest, well…" He tapped one of his antenna. "These ain't here just for show, ya know. We have ways."
"What do you mean?"
"Memory wipes," Throttle grunted, mouth twisting with distaste.
"You can do that?" Charley asked, startled. Clearly, this was news to her.
"Not all of us," Vinnie told her. "Only a few 'specially powerful empaths are trained for that sorta thing. Ain't easy, and fiddlin' around with another person's brain is pretty frowned upon. I mean, one wrong move an' you've got a drooling vegetable on your hands."
"Luckily we have little cause to employ such techniques," Stoker added, expression grim. "But there's been a time or two when the wrong person discovered us, and we've been forced to go in for a little … mental rewiring."
"And by 'we', do you actually mean you?" Alley asked. Stoker didn't answer. But his silence spoke volumes. She frowned. "Have you ever … made a wrong move?"
"No," he replied firmly. "But my predecessor did, with another empathic race from the Quantrum Sector."
"The what now?"
"Another galaxy. You wouldn't have heard of it. That was a bad job. Pretty much the guidelines of what not to do when attempting a mind-wipe. Not only scrambled the poor bastard on the receiving end, but his own brain, as well. That's when I was pulled in to take over his position by the army. This was back before the Freedom Fighters, of course. When I was just a young punk, barely older'n Rimfire." He nodded at Modo.
"You never told us this before, Stoke," Vinnie said, sounding awed.
"Ain't somethin' I like to talk about," he replied. "Not a part of my life I'm particularly proud of. For the greater good or not, there's no honor in wipin' another person's mind. Especially when you're never told why you're doin' it in the first place. Toward the end, before I defected, I had my suspicions that the government was gettin' a little corrupt. They were sendin' us in more 'n more often to 'take care of things'. I suspect it was to keep control over an increasingly disgruntled population, when Plutark stepped in an' started buyin' up Martian property."
"And that's why you formed the Freedom Fighters," Throttle finished.
"Yep. That about sums it up. Somebody had to protect what was left of our people. We're all they had left."
"Your own government sold you out?" Alley asked softly.
"Money is power, honey. Even on other planets. Corruption is a universal problem." Stoker glanced at Chex with a raised eyebrow. "And you might consider tellin' your online buddies to start bein' a little more careful what they slap up on their sites. I may not be one of the army's guard dogs anymore, but that don't mean I've forgotten what to do. And there're still more guard dogs who ain't as nice as me, either. You annoy the wrong people or become a big enough threat, you just might find yourselves on the wrong end of Martian antenna."
Chex gulped, face paling under her makeup. Even Chris looked a little green around the gills.
"Great. Well, now that you've finished terrifying my friends, I think it's time for us to go," Alley muttered, starting toward the Caprice.
"Hold up, there!" Charley snagged her by the back of the shirt as she passed, bringing her up short. "Just so you know, you 'n me are gonna have a talk when you get back."
"What'd I do?"
Charley shot her a look. "Guess."
Alley's brow furrowed. "Oh, what, you're pissed 'cause I was worried about you? That's gratitude."
"Do you honestly believe that's why I'm upset?"
The cousins stubbornly faced each other down, before Alley conceded defeat, shoulders slumping. "Okay, okay," she grumbled. "You can bust my chops when I get back. Just lemme get these two out of your hair first." She stomped to the twins, who were now waiting in the car.
"What was that all about?" Chris asked as she opened the passenger door and slid in.
"Somebody in trouble?" Chex teased from the back seat.
Alley waved off their questions. "Don't worry about it. Right before you arrived, we were having a … family discussion of sorts. I might've said a few things I shouldn't have in front of a few people I shouldn't have… She's a little steamed about it."
Chex hummed. "Wanna hide out in the dorms for awhile until the storm blows over?" she offered. "I could probably stuff you under the bed."
Alley laughed. "Thanks, but I'll take my licks like a good little soldier, and pray Charley doesn't decide to send me packing back to Florida."
They drove in silence for a few minutes, before Chex leaned forward, draping her gloved arms over the back of the bench seat. "Hey, you think that Stoker guy was serious about the whole, you know, mind-wipe thing?" she asked.
Alley shrugged, poking through the cassette tapes Chris had stashed in a worn shoebox on the seat between them. "Dunno why he'd lie about it. He's a trained soldier, and from what I've heard, he's got some mad skills on the battlefield. Like, a four-star general or something. The mice do have some sort of telepathic ability. I guess some could be strong enough to erase memories." She chose a cassette and shoved it into the player; Queen's These are the Days of Our Lives blasted over the speakers. "Oh, I love this song!" She began to sing along.
Chex shifted impatiently. "But, like, do you think he'd really do it?" she pressed.
"I dunno. Maybe. Why do you want to know?"
Chris snorted. "She probably wants to go tell all her little forum buddies where they can find them. She never could keep a secret."
"Shut up," Chex grumbled, slumping back in her seat.
Frowning, Alley turned around in her seat. "Look, I can't say what Stoker may or may not do, but I can tell you that all four of those guys are way protective of Charley. They consider her one of theirs, and they'll fight tooth and nail to defend their own. If you go blabbing their location around and end up putting her or her garage in danger, getting mind-wiped will be the least of your worries. You've already seen Modo in action. Do you really wanna risk pissing off a bunch of trained rebel soldiers who can heft concrete walls with their bare hands?"
Chex didn't have much to say on the matter after that.
Alley could only hope she wouldn't have much to say on the matter at any future time, either.
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