#it's kinda making me more unstable coz this is actually how i used to be all the time :( makes me super sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cosmiclatte28 · 3 years

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minors do not read (heavy rage, more sinful than smut) not a fanfic (please, its really me raging like the world is ending. its embarrassing but it kinda calms me down 1%)

When I decided to stand up, dust myself off, and take another step... life just directly throw a big ass lemon on my face.

WARNING : THE WORDS BELOW THIS LINE ARE STRONG, FULL OF RAGE, CURSES AND YOU NEVER SEE THIS SIDE OF ME BEFORE. SO, if you're a minor, you never read some rage message, never want to see me as a monster, pass over this post thank you so much. no one has to read this, i'm just screaming to the world

I want to cry :) but I know it's not gonna solve anything

I am tired. Why am I knocked down back to the ground just after I convince myself things will be okay

I'm so mentally confused, afraid, exhausted, and tired.

Give me something to hold on. Inject me happiness, whatever.

I'll be away again. I am so sorry why am I so unstable like this.

I want to end everything, but again it's just a "small unfortunate bad day" said people

f you universe. you won, i'm tired. I'll just sit down here and watch as I realize just how bad my decisions are to stop but I am exhausted.

I WANT TO THROW A WATERMELON TO THE GROUND

I WANT TO SQUISH A FLUFFY BALL OF CAT

I WANT TO BITE A HAND

I WANT TO BURN MYSELF :)) NO NOT ROAST, BURN

FUUUUUMMMMM i hate my unstable emotion what is this. DO I HAVE A DOUBLE PERSONALITY?

should i call the mental help line? should i start making appointments? is this my breaking point?

I still have lots to do tonight but I'm just so close to fuck everything and just well be a disappointment 🤐

THIS IS A RAGE POST. IT'S MY RAGE. MY FRUSTRATION OF TODAY AND MY REGRET OF TOMORROW

fuck me like literally and figuratively

on my way to just go make hinge tinder and find guys

i don't care anymore

don't be like me. i'm a bad example

how am i expected to survive in life if something like today just made me overwhelmed

a lot of things make me overwhelmed eew what's this

who is this weak girl. the real me? eew :) let's keep on being fake strong . keep the weak girl aside..

and tonight as you still have to sit and meet people and talk. don't break down there, don't rage there and don't get mad at innocent people.

shut the lips. distract your mind or well at least think of nothing. keep acting and don't let anyone know.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE AM I HEARING TONIGHT HM?

will tomorrow be different? IT BETTER BE. FFS I'LL REALLY TURN CRAZY IF TOMORROW IS EVEN WORSE THAN THIS

my keyboard could broke if i continue writing this. ITS FURIOUS ITS SCARY AND I could feel myself disgusted b y me.

i am the storm, i am the monster, i am just another regular human without a perfect life. who has flaws, a lot of rage, a lot of unstable emotions, a lot of bullshit and well a holy virginity thats all. but idk

i want to take a walk but that won't be a great idea seeing how i will doze off in the middle of the road.

my head feels like exploding and no it's not an expression

is my blood pressure rising? or is it too low?

i know my mistakes, i know my sins, i know my secrets and i hate all of that. What's the point of people seeing you as a good stable girl when in reality is you're a total opposite? PUBLIC PLAY . life is prettier with lies right?

I'm scared of what I've become

MINORS AGAIN... SKIP THIS OR WELL JUST IDK unfollow for a while if this scares you.

PLEASE THERE'S MANY TRIGGER HERE. DON'T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO PUT AS THE TW. but don't. It's scary. I don't know where else to put. I want to write it and burn it but i shouldn't play with fire not at this state of mind....

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A great liar. A double personality? Or just a lonely lunatic 🤷‍♀️

My lies in the web is >>>> irl lies. I didn't lie when i meet people irl, but once I am cosmic or someone else ... i'm a totally different person

Gosh i'm a good spy material except for the crybaby part hahahah fuck i keep calling myself crybaby but til now i couldn't cry. Coz my head keeps yelling to me that i shouldn't cry because "crying won't solve any problem"

Can I get all the science part of tumblr and teach me how do I inject happiness but not in form of drugs to this amazingly still clean blood vessels?

Can I get all the optimistic side of tumblr and fuckin block my head from thinking pessimistic thing even for a 1/10000000000 sec

Can I get all the doctors here in tumblr to just check me if my heart is actually still beating with life and not just oxygen and bloods.

Am I still alive or is this heart just trying its best to make me live but not feel alive

I know I shouldn't spend my time being like this. No one knows when your story ends. I've always been that annoying person who says "Life is so short. Enjoy every moment" WELL YEAH NOW I AM ENJOYING MY SUFFERING thanks?

One time i was so happy life really slap hard in the face. NOT EVEN IN THE ASS..COME ON.. IF ITS IN THE ASS I might like it and ask for more.. but well life is bitch

LIVE IS EVIL if you read it from the other direction. Yes once again perspective won

Perspective dang it. Idk i'm tired of existing. I need to stop lying, but once you lie and once you got used to it.... its so hard to stop

Like me ... you slowly become a monster. Who loathe herself for not stopping herself to become a monster

Yes i am your beauty you meet irl in web but once i'm alone and facing life. Well I might be the wicked witch but i'm not gracious or tall enough to be them.. so.. i'm a monster

The one you don't dare to look at night or day. The one who makes you sleep with one eye open..the one who makes you ask your parents to check the closet and under your bed.

I am the monster in your nightmare and I am taking over cosmic as she writes this.

This is not cosmic. She's never like this.

Reach out cosmic, ask for help and see how no one cares because they all got their problems to face. Come back here cosmic, stay with your darkest fears. Feed us with your happiness. Drown yourself in our darkness and close your eyes as you make yourself get used to the loud silence of eye stabbing darkness

The monster inside my soul

#rant #one of those nights #i survived?#inject me happiness

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thebenzene · 4 years

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PARKOUR!: The leap of faith

December 30, 2019. 12:54 AM

December 27, 2019. I guess it was around 9 PM along Quezon Avenue in the back seat of a noise-filled-beneath UV van. I finally said “yes”. Well, of course it wasn’t a literal yes. It was crazier. I finally accepted his challenge to enter the commitment he was offering. Courting in tl;dr is basically “Will you accept the challenge to commit wholeheartedly to this relationship?”, given the presumption that the person courting is already committed to the one they’re courting, lol. Both my parents know that we’re only “M.U.” BIG FAT XD coz I can’t tell them I already committed myself to this. It’s not like they’re gonna scold me or anything, they are just worried that I might get hurt because this person may leave me anytime and I might get affected bigtime. I know, I thought about this well. The moment I agreed upon that proposal is the same moment I officially acknowledged to take the risk – the risk of getting my heart broken, for the very first time. It was funnier than I expected. I enjoyed the whole day with him. It was elating enough to be fleeting. Who knows that I’ll be ending my decade with a man I just met 8 months before it ends? Who knows that I’ll be starting another decade looking forward to this person until its very end? And who knows that I’ll be finally moving on from a six-year delusion… that I’ll never end up with someone whom I used to deeply admire? No words can tell how that day went. I never thought of settling with a person. I never thought that I am capable enough to reach this level of sentience. We are young and we may be unstable but we recognize the decision that we want this to last. Uh, I hope this really will. If age is a serious deciding-factor, is engaging into this relationship a raw decision because we’re young? Honestly, I think it is sound to say that the youth shouldn’t rush on things because they aren’t that wise yet, but it is invalid. Sound, but invalid. What makes a decision valid, though? Is it because of someone’s age? Someone’s status on whatever? Someone’s capability to something? The answer is, of course, I cannot speak for everyone (lol #safelogic). But I can say that we can decide on human interrelationships if we have assessed ourselves well enough. We know when we can, so we do. We know when we can’t, so we don’t. We know when we can, but we don’t. We know when we can’t, but we still do. As for this, I perceive that this is something I can manage and I have control over. I also believe this is a venture I might consider worth-enjoying. Understanding how human behavior works under a scheme of Eros is certainly a complex thing to figure out but at least the longer I walk upon this trail, the more I get a wider view of it, from my personal inferences, of course. Not to claim my extrapolations are a hundred percent valid and accurate, just saying that the experiences kinda give me off useful sets of data. It is kind of amusing, in a way. But of course, I recognize that romantic love is irreducible in any forms. Love, surely, is not something to be deciphered well. The more you tend to overanalyze it, the more it gets seemingly tiring. And I know, it’s ironic that I say this while expanding my mental flowcharts on how things are and things might be. God, being an acads junkie must have been my mantra since ever. It’s sometimes cool, but not really. Funny confession, I still highly consider believing on this idea of courting and dating and love and marriage and all the silly things about this and that of Eros from an eight grade DepEd Health Module TM. WHAT A REFERENCE! I was actually pretty serious about it, I even sent him a link to those lectures. What do I know, right? Everything was satisfactorily theoretical until I had to do things practically. Oh wow, what even is this entry about? Right, it is supposed to be about the challenge I accepted. See where my spontaneity has taken me. It was my emotion that has driven me into writing things off and now I scatter and divert my thoughts to how I analyze this? I see. Going back while I try to gain back that emotional momentum, I am genuinely thinking of keeping this person, to my best extent. I will try to show my most sincere form. I haven’t told him of my fears, of the things I seriously worry about. I just don’t think I can be articulate with those and I keep on asking myself if it’s really necessary. I thought maybe saying everything irl might help but I must compose all pieces well first before blurting every word out. I could write an outline if it helps. I just fear that everything I fear about this may turn into an unfathomable reality. :”( awit. Anyway, I started considering being tangibly comfortable with him. The binary of this thing as zero or one hundred, now or never, yes or no… is challenging enough to keep me going. I can only give a whole-decided heart or a non-whole-decided heart. As for now, I am giving myself a full GO. This person maybe shady enough (even called him a gaslighter ruthlessly xD), but I assess he has shown sincerity well, so far. So I thought, I might as well give him a try… yeet. This is something really really challenging, and I have decided to take things further, beyond emotions, beyond conversations, and mostly, beyond the restraints I set myself. If this won’t last, this is a great first experience. If this will, this is a great lifetime investment. Here’s to more anecdotes about him. Cheers, 2019!

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[redacted],

Thank you for letting me know that you like me, unironically. Thank you for confessing to me that you have seriously taken my equivocal signals and you declared reciprocating. Thank you for your candidness. I never knew I could be perceived by someone as their lover. I took a leap of faith despite of my fears and doubts because I know you deserve better. I swear, I thought about this decision well and it went tougher every night I think about it. I want to be the best you’ve ever had but contemplating about it was never easy. People from your past already set the bars high and I don’t think I can reach that easily. I know, you keep on saying that I have no standards to beat nor trends to fit myself into. I acknowledge it. But, I can’t help to think of it because you have already established your preferences. You already know what you like and what you don’t. There must be things on people from your past that made you quit; and I don’t want those to happen again on this. There must be things from them that you used to like; and you can tell me what those are so I can suffice your preferences well. Does that sound alright? Can’t you see? I am trying so hard that I get bigtime disappointed whenever I fail you. I’m sorry. I just love you a bit much so I try to serve you my best. I remember the times when I used to reject the ideas of priority, consistency, and commitment. Now, you’re here. : )

Maraming salamat sa iyo!

Mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw lang.

Ikaw lang ang pinakamaganda sa aking mga mata, walang iba.

Truly,

Pauline.

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theclaravoyant · 7 years

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Huntingbird for the ship ask

lol these two… (send me a ship)

who hogs the duvet

Hunter. He moves around a lot more when he sleeps than Bobbi does. Plus, what can he say, he’s a fan of not freezing his ass off.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

Bobbi sometimes contacts Hunter to see if he’s alive, but Hunter has always been the more forward of the two when it comes to general expressions of love. Of course they often end up bickering and being annoyed (sometimes pretend, sometimes less pretend) but at least they know everything’s normal that way :)

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

Bobbi. Hunter claims he’s tried but she’s too picky, to which Bobbi rolls her eyes, but yes, she is better than him at creative & impressive gifts. She listens to him more than he thinks she does.

who gets up first in the morning

Bobbi, because she believes in routine and exercise. Hunter can function in the morning when necessary, heck he’s a trained army man, but if he’s not being called to task by a drill sergeant the morning can pretty much get bent most of the time.

who suggests new things in bed

Hm, I think they have pretty even footing on this one. They’ve both lived some pretty adventurous lifestyles that might incline them to try ~new things~. I do feel like Bobbi initiates a lot of it though; I feel like she likes to challenge herself and experiment (ba dum tsh) while Hunter’s more of the “I’ll try anything once” kinda guy

who cries at movies

Neither of them are particularly comfortable with doing it and I think they can both shut themselves off if they’re getting too emotional, but if they’re feeling particularly safe and raw at the same time I think both or either of them could have a bit of a cry. They’ve been through some shit those two.

who gives unprompted massages

Hunter. He has nearly had his hand broken a couple of times so now he tries to make sure they’re not too unprompted, but he knows Bob is a stressed little bean and doesn’t like to make a big deal out of it, so he does what he can.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

Bobbi. She likes the bragging rights of claiming that Hunter’s a whiny baby, but also, it’s something she ‘knows how to do’ where she feels she struggles with other displays of affection.

who gets jealous easiest

Ooh, that’s interesting. I think they both get jealous in different ways. Hunter knows their relationship has been unstable in the past so if Bobbi’s flirting/being flirted with or being secretive he can get a bit angry and insecure. Meanwhile, Bobbi knows she’s not as emotionally available as she feels like she should be, so if Hunter’s getting close to someone she sometimes struggles with that. I think Hunter’s comes out as more visibly jealous though.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

Bobbi, probably? Hunter probably has a stable favourite collection of like, classic rock or something, while Bobbi’s music tastes are all over the place. That’s not to say she’s embarassed by it, but Hunter definitely is. Although they do both enjoy picking super cringeworthy songs for karaoke and cringing it up.

who collects something unusual

Neither of them collect much, but Hunter has a few pieces of religious iconography that nobody expects him to have.

who takes the longest to get ready

Bobbi. Lookin that fine while also being 500% ready to kick ass at all times takes some mad skill

who is the most tidy and organised

Bobbi. Neither of them have that much stuff, but Bobbi is also a scientist whose career has depended on her organisational skills. Hunter can make a bed in like 1 minute but in terms of general life skills, Bobbi.

who gets most excited about the holidays

Hunter. He’s always been a big fan of relaxing, and much better at it than Bobbi, so the holidays actually mean something to him whereas she carries her stress around so she doesn’t have as much fun sometimes.

who is the big spoon/little spoon

Bobbi’s usually the big spoon, bc she’s a squillion ft tall, but sometimes if she’s having a super hard time, Hunter’s the big spoon. He usually takes it seriously and everyone’s super soft and it’s great.

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

BOBBI. OH MY GOD. I mean they both have a pretty strong competitive streak but Hunter also has major heart-eyes which can make him vulnerable to being distracted. Bobbi is on top of her game and she will kick whosever’s ass is necessary

who starts the most arguments

Hunter. Bobbi’s more of an “ugh, whatever” kind of person whereas Hunter has a strong sense of justice, a loud voice, and a sense of irritability like nobody’s business.

who suggests that they buy a pet

Hunter, and it’s a dog, and it’s a PTSD therapy dog, bc therapy dogs are awesome and they could totally both use one. As could their squad of pstd suffering friends.

what couple traditions they have

They always ‘celebrate’ their birthdays, even if they’re not together. If they’re especially pissed at each other, or on a mission, they may not actually contact the other person, but they always do a little something. On the other hand, they don’t celebrate anniversaries, bc their relationship is a mess and it’s impossible to keep track of.

Plus ofc “don’t die out there.”

what tv shows they watch together

Pretty much anything, it depends what they’re in the mood for. They’re a big fan of criticising stuff they watch though. And I don’t think Bobbi’s a huge fan of football/soccer.

what other couple they hang out with

FitzSimmons probably.

how they spend time together as a couple

Mostly trying not to die? They’re also big fans of sex, arguments (including the good kind, coz those do exist), cooking together and complaining about/false commentating/etc. movies.

who made the first move

Hmmmm Bobbi probably?

who brings flowers home

Hunter, mostly so that he can make “honey I’m home” jokes even when they live in super dangerous or otherwise non-domestic scenarios like say a secret military base underground

who is the best cook

Neither of them are amazing, they’re both pretty functional, but Hunter can make a few dishes really well, so I’d go with him.

#huntingbird #hunter #bobbi morse #thehuntingbirdnetwork #aos headcanons #ask me stuff #unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot #long post

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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if you were around for the pre-end-of-mh days you might remember times i like to talk to myself extensively, pointlessly, and dumbassedly about my own thoughts, which go nowhere and solve nothing. literally ignore me, talking about bring me the spider cup, i wanna prank crimmins natcho. my proclivity towards trying to figure out mysteries is matched only by my total inability to do so.

firstly i was like ok, this doesn’t necessarily mean eno knows who this guy is, which i think is true but unlikely. he’s probably met him before and while i think it would be funny if this is all some roundabout unnecessary revenge scheme by someone who considers eno his rival, i’d think it was more likely eno was kind of in a position like wallace where maybe they just worked in the same place. (sidenote: he is so clearly evil how do people share an office with him. please fix this mess jerry)

becoz the thing is it was a bit strange eno said he couldnt take a client via a social workers request with the reasoning that he’d left that life behind him? because he is a therapist now after all. but it would make more sense if he used to maybe be associated with / work for a company like that. i dont even know anything about privatised versions of social work but maybe it could work like that. and maybe he worked with crimcrom because sure, maybe crimmins just murdered his way into head of a company or other unsavory methods, and/or maybe also he has actual experience in the field. because maybe he was working at the same place as eno?

because honestly if i was going to take a very vague guess of where the social work is involved here, its that if youre going to do terrible dangerous medical experiments on people, you take people who have connections without the wealth/time/stability to investigate or else just people who wont be missed at all. people whose debilitating struggles and unstable situations you actually have documentation of. and it does seem like everyone with someone missing was relying on kent and co. to find them, because they couldnt themselves, because their sibling/whomever had been targeted for that exact reason, that their family/friends wouldnt have the means to find them. probably this has been going on for a while and most people are just killed and those who arent are kinda just chucked out somewhere to be found by whoever

anyways, the thing with eno, the idea he was working with/for a company earlier is a bit confusing too because its confusing that kent and yumi were killed but eno wasnt? theres the chance that the attempt simply failed, but i had thought that maybe because eno wasnt the semi-public face of the effort like kent was or an official worker like yumi, maybe nobody who put the hit out knew he was even involved. but since im guessing we’re guessing crimmins was directly/indirectly involved in the Day Of Murder and he knows about eno, thats not true……but then its a bit fuzzier why eno wasnt killed if he wasnt just helping out as a friend but sort of associated with his work, like yumi was. maybe it was part of a longer con, like as might be made clearer soonish. because unfortunately i really doubt crim would show his hand like this if he wasnt secure in everything favoring his schemes currently

it also makes sense that eno had been in a position like yumi’s because im also assuming eno thinks its his own files that someone had got hold of. cuz if yumi and kent had the same papers, surely eno did too. and if he was just keeping them to himself it would be one thing but if he was using them with his work like yumi was, then maybe it happened like he said it did only with his file/company in place of yumi’s. which makes sense coz of why he is so uncomfortable and why he was so surprised about it. probably he didnt suppose it had happened until kip said it did, and he suspects it was on his end that it happened but doesnt want to say it because its unpleasant and because he doesnt want to say it to kip.

i was hoping that gayness would be the wrench in the gears aka kip wasnt supposed to learn of the link between kents files and wallaces, but maybe he actually absolutely was? it would make sense why crimmins was so keen to make sure wallace got kip to work with him. because unless it is remarkably nuanced i doubt part of his plan involves trying to get wallace to directly harm anyone, cuz obvs he wouldnt, he is just motivated to not get fired and hopefully do good work. but it seems like a safe guess that kip would see wallaces papers even though kip really should be getting paid for this, and maybe crimmins was assuming that kip had already seen kents file? because if he had worked with eno and gotten his files, he would basically know what must be in kents files. and it apparently wasnt a secret that the files had made it out of the fire with kip

but its a hell of a con because its like, it seemed like a bonus that kip realized the coincidence, because why would crimmins want kip to suspect that wallace is somehow connected with the scheme that kent was investigating / his family and yumi were killed for? but apparently he could guess that kip would meet with eno about it, because i guess he’s tracking one or both of them. speaking of, im hoping that kip hasnt just gotten jumped. im sure its a concern on the best of days that eno told him to be safe, but it seems ominous

just like it seemed ominous when kip told wallace he trusts eno more than anyone. wallace sure learned a lot in those couple of days, namely: he already knows where kip lives exactly and who with and that they are good friends (not sure how coincidental it is that they live in the exact same building, maybe its just convenient), who kip’s ex-boyfriend is and where he works and who he works with and that he and kip have Strong Feelings for each other, who kip’s therapist is and that he sees him once a week and is a old and close friend whom kip trusts above all others, and i’m sure wallace has been able to pick up that kip has a dead brother and theres a story behind it and its a touchy subject. i mean, that’s mostly completely irrelevant info to put into a report, but maybe not if it was relevant to mention that he was working with kip since after all his boss had told him to. but probably crimmins was guessing that if wallace was making headway at all, he had got hold of kip. and since apparently he has eyes on people, that helps too. fix it jerry

im not thinking that its ominous that kip trusts eno so much because he shouldnt or because eno has been lying all along or something—like, if eno suspects himself for being involved in something now, im supposing he hadnt thought so before or hadnt considered it mattered because everything about how everything happened was moot because nobody was going to be continuing the matter and everyone was leading totally different lives. and as for currently, its not like i think eno is like, having the past catch up with him aka he’s betrayed kip or anyones trust before. i mean maybe eno has some totally unrelated dark secret that can be held over him, but even then i doubt that it would be anything where he would be forced to do something to endanger kip to protect himself. rather, i’d guess he might be given more of a non-choice in which he has to do something that will endanger kip because the threat is of causing kip immediate harm. what seems worst is that crimmins is really showing his hand early here maybe, or anyways, he thinks that theres no possible way for eno to prevent whatever crim wants to have happen. which is like, bad

and if he knows how much kip trusts eno, which he probably does, thats bad too…

if wallaces only purpose though was to show kip the files he had, that also has to mean rousing kip’s suspicion…..also, if kip had known about kents files before he’d seen wallace’s, wouldnt he potentially be immediately suspicious enough of wallace to cut off ties with him? maybe that doesn’t matter idk. b/c tbh it seems like theres only so much you can do w/ wallace while preserving his “unwitting involvement in an evil scheme” status, you cant ask him to do anything non-job related. unless his reports are doubling as surveillance or something. but he wouldnt do anything he thought was harmful or over his bounds. even asking him to get kip involved was weird, but at least crim seemed to accurately count on wallace caring too much abt his job to object with stuff rather than simply doing what he had to to keep it

like, clearly something about kip is important to crim’s schemes but how could i guess what. because im guessing we dont have enough information yet, but even if you gave me the info we have now and told me to fill in the blanks however i wanted, i couldnt come up with anything. im really really dumb as hell and not creative enough to take the ventures required to come up with accurate theories. but ok, medical experiments, it could just be anti-monster, but it could also be pro-human which happens to be anti-monster aka more exploitative. cuz it doesnt seem like theyre “Kill All Monsters” as much as “its fine if monsters die but if theyre alive we’ll just dump them somewhere because we just literally assign them no value unless somehow they’re useful towards whatever’s going on here.”

coz kip has two powers: 1) he’s a beloved semipublic figure, and 2) ice and he’s cold

and he has one majorly exploitable weakness in that he’s very afraid for his surrogate family, generally more scared than the average person of being murdered horribly, and knows he has good reasons for that and also trauma

but it seems like if crim wanted to get hold of kip by threatening his loved ones, he could do that at any time? why would wallace need to be involved at all; he wouldnt. why does he need to tip kip off about his own schemes. why did he need to wait five years? why has there been this five year gap? simply development of the mystery scheme? or is it because kip has moved back to c and/or because kip is a semi-public figure again

coz reading between the lines but im supposing that kip had earnestly and strongly intended to follow in kent’s footsteps but was presumably discouraged from this when his family was murdered. but even tho he only told wallace about moving back to c because roy and molly missed it, in the intervention that gets sprung on him and other hints, it sounds like kip still considers himself dedicated to helping people like kent did, which is what his sjw blog is, but he’s majorly aware of the danger of that and unwilling to get anyone killed this time, which is a major limitation, seeing as that happened to him before and everyone is disappeared all the time w/o repercussion. except the repercussion of one tiny group of people who look into it and get murdered, except for eno

but also kip must not have been doing any Helping The Public stuff before he moved to C, because when he says he has to help wallace to justify having thrown so much away, and considering how he’d lost so much in the fire, presumably what he’s thrown away is his life with pascal. im guessing he couldnt have made roy and molly split from him even if he tried, but pascal apparently could be parted from. for like a week, but whatever. he’d been dating pascal before the fire, but if he hadnt been involved in any position of openly helping monsters before the fire and hadnt before moving back to C, that explains why he tried to convince pascal not to go with them.

anyways, uh, see ive lost track of what i was saying. that, while kip is so afraid for the safety of those too close to him, he can also be pressured into a riskier position. but thats by his friends and himself. but maybe if he’s going to be given false information he thinks is from eno, he could do other risky things too. cuz i doubt theres any real protection, as if kent and yumi and eno werent trying to be safe. im guessing kip’s just trying to keep his head down and his cards close to his chest. its frustrating because technically he was right to be immediately suspicious of wallace to the point of associating him with the death of his family and being afraid of helping wallace, but not because wallace’s personal intentions arent good. but still its going to be really awkward if kip gets an idea of what wallace is associated with. cuz its an extremely delicate process that would allow wallace to figure out what was going on and break the news to kip and have kip trust him, so delicate that i doubt it exists and anyways the odds are not in its favor. but its frustrating because i want people to not be friends and not feel betrayed by their bosses and each other and even better, to be friends working together to resolve murders and an evil scheme

anyways. what does crim need from kip. stuff he knows? i doubt he’s trying to corrupt kip’s blog, or otherwise exploit the fact that kip’s probably a trusted community figure. for starters, crim’s already been getting away completely with abduction, murder, arson, etc, for years. unless theres some new Phase of the plan that requires something new. but again, it seems like a big ol coincidence that kip and co moved to C five months before wallace was moved into their exact building with the goal of getting involved with kip, tho wallace obviously doesnt know about all that stuff yet. why does it matter that kips in C. did crim not know where he was prior? did he need kip to be involved in the public sphere so that he could catch hold of him by sending out a social worker too naive and earnest to focus on the suspicious evilness of his new boss? did he just not need kip yet???

it seems strange to consider that crim could like, blackmail or threaten either kip or eno longterm. like, is he about to make a move here. because yeah they both have reasons to be extremely protective of people, which can be leveraged. but like wallace, i dunno how far they could be pushed with doing anything obviously harmful, or doing anything for anyone so obviously evilly motivated. or how long such a chokehold could be maintained. eno being threatened with kip’s wellbeing and being pressured into manipulating kip in one way or another is one thing, and even then how could he be threatened more than once. how could he be expected not to do something to warn someone if the pressing is let up for even a moment? is the point to abduct eno maybe and make kip feel even more afraid, because that would probably admittedly be super effective, but i imagine kip would just withdraw completely from things like being involved with wallace, blogging, etc. but to try to coerce kip into doing something by threatening multiple people is trickier, and what could kip do?

the thing is that i could see kip as being targeted for the ice thing, because thats another coincidence, that he has a really strong ability that seems pretty unusual even for monsters. like, freezing freshly brewed hot tea in a few seconds is really something. and i’m supposing he survived the fire by freezing himself / ice protection, which is really really something. and maybe the fact that he’s also an sjw who’s always scared that someones going to get hurt or killed is just a way to get to him. coz maybe, even probably, kip wasnt supposed to survive the fire, but just be another casualty because crim and co do not give a shit about bothering to spare any monsters life. but the fact that he did, using ice, and that he had his brothers files, all probably wasnt a secret. i mean, the surviving and the files part definitely wasnt, but just knowing the place was on fire and he survived ok probs implies that he had the ability to protect himself somehow, and thats a really impressive ability

so like maybe whatever traits theyre looking for makes kip the ideal target. maybe for once they felt like they couldnt just steal him away normally, but idk why they wouldnt. for example if crim just wanted to kidnap kip, maybe he just has. but that seems like wallace wouldnt need to be involved and eno wouldnt need to be involved and why wait til he’s in C? he doesnt need flushing out to be stolen off the street; he travels to B at least once a week on a schedule and he walks to work.

again, probably theres necessary info we dont even have that will fill in a missing piece here, but even now im too stupid to expand on the stuff we know to imagine up something that would fill in that blank. im too horrible at reading/understanding peoples motivations to even fully Get basic interactions sometimes, and im too uncreative to even come up with stuff like say, guess what crim’s trying to develop over there. maybe theres something about moving from development to initiation that needs kip’s particular involvement (??how??). but why has there been five years of them having been left alone in D, maybe, although how do we even know that

idk all i know is im stupid and i dont like that everyone is going to be even more miserable and endangered and mysteries are a trial for me because i want to die and dont want to have to deal with dying on a cliffhanger, i’ll be an angry ghost. ive probably forgotten a tangent or two i wanted to touch on and that makes me an angry pre-ghost. w/e

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