#its me i am trans person who needs a haircut and cant go by my name | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unadulterateddreamgiver · 2 years

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Personal vent

TW ig? Like dysmorphia I think...

Okay. I officially hate myself. I can't find a name, and having to use my current name is so difficult but what else can I do. And the next school year is upcoming. So many introductions. So many forced strained stutters of a name i dont recognize.

I've been looking for over a year now and not really made any head way. I used to have a name for the brief time I came out as a trans man, of which I will refer to as 'J'. This name is connected to that time in my life, and as I am not transgender (I think) I dont really know how to feel about the name. It is also extremely close to my current uncomfortable name. Therefore, I feel as though this name is not a good choice for me although it encompasses what I would ever want from a name. Not to mention the confusion it provokes.

The confusion the whole ordeal provokes. When I say I dont like my name, people laugh and tell me it's a teenager thing, that I'll just grow out of it. They didnt like their names when they were younger, so automatically a phase they had in their life is what I am absolutely going through. It's not like that. My name feels detached from who I am, who I am becoming, what I am; its is not me. I almost choke everytime i have to introduce myself, although when using other names, i dont have any trouble akin to this. Maybe I'm being a silly little teenager. Or maybe I have the right not to be so easily dismissed. Who knows?

My friends are confused as well. The name thing is something I brought up publically shortly after coming out as trans (which I later retracted) and I have been talking about it since. I feel annoying to keep bringing it up, but it is so difficult. I dont know why, but my name just takes me to a bad place. They arent very helpful into the name department either, as I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. My name cant be shortened either. They've heard me vent so much about it, suggested names, done their best, yet nothing seems right. And I am exhausted. I am so, so sick of it. And I think they are too. I dont wanna be that friend. The one who never shuts up. The one who confuses the shit out of people. I've tried so many names that no one knows what to call me now. It's ironic. Ironic and painful.

In summary, I need a name. Desperately. And no one is helping. I dont even know what I'm looking for. Just a name that feels like me. I've been considering options, but the only names I like are male. When I have a boys haircut, and had a brief trans period, I feel like this could create so much more confusion for the people in my life I am too tired to deal with. Names are an uphill battle. I am going to try asking my mum again, and scrolling through dumb baby name websites from when I was born. All I have to go on is that I want something casual, and relevant to the years I was born. Nothing abstract nor too heavily gendered. Preferably a name that dosent make me sound like a rich brat (Elizabeth, Annabella, Theodosia, Edwordia, etc.) But also something I can write on books, unlike my current contender AJ. Overall confusing unisex and y2k. And I need it to fit me, while staying firmly away from my current name. Alot of things with very loose guidelines. A disaster. Dumpster fire. Whatever you wanna call it.

#tw self destructive behavior #dysmorphia mention #nameless ghouls #names #crying #sick of myself

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wickymicky · 3 years

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ive been feeling lately that im not sure i’ll ever transition. like idk if i’ll ever come out publicly. i dont want to. im certainly not ready for that now, and like partly because i still dont know what id even necessarily come out as. and its okay if i dont know, but obviously people are gonna ask. not everyone will think it’s okay if i don’t know, lol. and like.... idk. my friends will know. i’ll be me online, like here on this blog. but i’m not sure i’ll ever transition publicly. my sister is trans and is transitioning, on hormones, wearing clothes that express her gender better, that she never used to wear before, so she’s making a lot of changes and becoming happier for it. and going by her new name publicly now, which previously she wasn’t, i was one of the only people who knew it. but i can tell that that’s not me.

whether i’m a girl or like none binary with left girl... either way... a transition for me wouldnt really involve changes to my physical appearance, except i guess taking hormones and shaving my face all the time instead of lazily letting my facial hair grow out even though i hate it and i think it looks and feels bad to have. but like... i wouldnt grow my hair out... i had long hair when i was in high school, longer than plenty of cis girls i was friends with haha. and eh, been there done that. no thanks. i dont wanna change how i dress because tbh i dress like... nothing. like really plain. the plainest things. and i wouldnt change that lol, i dont care. that’s a personality thing, not a gender thing. if i was born a cis girl, i feel like i would look exactly like i do now, dressing the same and with the same haircut. and on a cis girl, that might be very visibly queer haha, but.. i’m not a cis girl. so i dont even know what a transition would like... be. hormones i guess, but tbh i dont feel like they’d do a lot for me.

testosterone makes afab people change in very noticeable ways, sometimes very fast, they start growing facial hair, building muscle differently, and their voices change. estrogen wouldnt change my voice, alter my overall shape all that much, or make facial hair stop growing. id get boobs i guess, but like, shrug, if that’s the only thing i would be doing it for, then it’s probably not what’s right for me. estrogen does make a lot of trans women feel a lot better about themselves and im not knocking that lol, i’m just talking about how this all pertains to me. top surgery for trans guys is relatively simple, they have a thing that they dont want and it can be removed relatively easily. i know it’s not actually easy, it’s expensive and hard to get and there’s always gonna be risk involved with stuff like that, but like compared to trans surgeries involving genitals, it’s a relatively simple one right? i think most trans guys who have top surgery dont necessarily have bottom surgery in any way, but just that first one, top surgery, makes such a noticeable visible difference and is a great weight off their shoulders, pun intended. im not interested in bottom surgery either, like, i mean im not wild about my thing, but im not interested in doing anything with that. but i dont have anything to chop off above my waist lmao, only things i think it would be neat if i had, haha. so basically what im saying is.... the list of changes i would even make to my physical appearance is like.... actually really small. and not because i love myself and am content with everything, cause im not. sigh. i just wish i had been born as a cis girl from birth. testosterone is too powerful and i wish it never ran amok through my body lmao, cause like i cant really undo all the stuff it did, not easily anyway. and the ways that we can undo those changes... arent things that i would be comfortable with. so im just left.... uncomfortable. that’s why trans guys transition so drastically... testosterone really fucks you up hahaha

hmmm. idk. i feel like the only thing a transition would really entail for me, at this stage in my life, is just people calling me Gwen in person. and using they/them or she/her, i guess. but i dont think i’m ready for that. that thought scares me. ive heard it sometimes in person, via my boyfriend (who is also trans, and transitioned before we started dating), and that can be nice, but i dont think im ready for my family or strangers to call me Gwen. i like it online because none of you know what i look like. i can be myself because none of you have preconceived notions about me... all you know is what you see when i say things online, which is great. in person though, im not sure im ready to handle the judgment and confused looks and suffer through every time someone goes “Wi- uh, i mean Gwen” like my mom still does with my sister. she’s trying, but she calls her her deadname like 50% of the time or more, and like i just.... idk. obviously she calls me my birthname too, because she doesnt even know my new name, but the fact that she doesnt know it means that it doesnt really bother me when she calls me my birthname. if she knew it, and said my deadname, even by accident, it would just be like... idk... a whole thing.... you know? i wouldnt correct her necessarily, not all the time anyway, but she might correct herself and idk that just seems like something i would feel really awkward experiencing, i dont think im ready for all that. especially cause like... and this is the big reason..................................... i dont feel like Gwen. not physically, anyway. i feel like Gwen when i’m online cause i can just *be* Gwen, but physically... if im in my room, by myself, it’s fine, but when i’m around people i *really* don’t feel like Gwen. because i havent transitioned i guess, but like... idk. i just really dont wanna draw too much attention to myself. i talk a lot on here, but i’m an anxious person, i’m shy, i’m very introverted, etc.

idk, i think i had more to say, but this is just kind of a ramble, and i lost my train of thought. i think im done for now lol. i’m just venting. you dont need to message me and console me or anything, i’m not doing bad right now, i’m doing fine. i’m just thinking out loud. but im not distraught or whatever, dont worry haha. and this isnt stuff that it like hurt to admit... cause its stuff ive been thinking about for a long long time haha. so yeah dont worry, im okay. im just posting this because it helps to get thoughts out of your head, you know?

#personal

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yaizl · 4 years

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cant believe chris is like. super entitled to my fucking body

dude im?? 14?? if i want a short haircut that “looks like a boy” then just let me get one??? dont give me that bullshit with “oh but chin length is cute” or “youre a girl, you need to look and act like one” (im a trans guy thats still in the closet)

motherfucker you dont!! own my body!!! just cuz im your kid doesnt mean im your property!!! theres a fucking difference!!!

“the neighbours will think theres a boy breaking into our house when they see you walking in and out” what the fuck-- how dumb can you be?? they can just, idk, get used to me having shorter hair than before??? like theyd think the exact same fucking thing about a stranger breaking in if i had short “girl” hair so what the fuck--

plus he actually mocks me very often for being wider than other girls. like okay yeah my tummys squishy and i have big thighs, but like. what the fuck do you think “im self conscious about those things and would rather you not comment on them in a negative light” means?? do you expect me to be a perfect photoshopped kim kardashian with a blank face?? he already thinks that my only personality traits are “moody teenager” “get distracted with drawing” and “lying about suspicions of having adhd” and literally nothing else, so hes gonna try to push his beliefs on other shit further with me having to be slimmer than a beanpole or else im scum

and on top of that its very obvious that he doesnt actually love me as his kid because of his stupid standards. hes proven this by stating on multiple occasions that “if his kid turns out to be a lesbian or transgender hes going to disown them” like. okay so because your kid isnt attracted to the opposite gender and/or realize that they dont click with their assigned gender at birth (im both cuz im a trans boy who likes boys but is also aro fdhjhfdks) you immediately lose all respect and love for them (as if he respects or loves me in the first place) and disown them on the spot? like what the fuck-- why would you cross the line at your kids identity??? he literally says nothing about if i do something extremely illegal or taboo, no, just if my attraction or gender is off the beaten track. sure yeah, he wants me to grow up and marry a cis white guy and have kids of the familys blood, but what if i dont wanna do that? im already terrified to fucking bits by the thought of being pregnant, so im not looking forward to having any blood-related kids.

and then he turns this all around when i bring this up to him by saying that hes raising me to be crafted on his own beliefs and opinions rather than letting me be my own person, and say “i am raising you to be your own person though”

chris. what youre doing is the literal opposite of raising your kid to be their own person. youre raising you kid to be what you like: a cisgender, heterosexual female, white supremacist, christian or jew (hes converted from being jewish to being christian for a reason i dont know of) with the body of jessica rabbit and hair longer than rapunzels, who has no disorders in their brain, is a trump supporter, and is overall just a perfect barbie doll with no personality besides eat hot chip and lie. (as you could tell i am none of these things)

anyway chris is a transphobe, a homophobe, an antivaxx, a closet racist, and he abuses me on multiple levels n this is just an example.

#len squeaks #len cries #len screams #vent #i would tag this as a long post but its a lot shorter than i thought sense ve been typing this for almost an hour fhkjshdfks #nothing really happened in particular today btw. ive just been holding this shit in for 50 years #sorry if i sound like a brat because i might have worded things wrong btw #im just angy.......#also chris is my bio dad if you didnt already know #i just dont wanna call him dad cuz of all the shit hes done

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