#its the kind of friendship where i havent spoken to him in years but when i see him I can tell him anything snd everything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seilon · 2 years

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i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

#kibumblabs #long post #delete later #i absolutely will regret this and delete it later #at the moment though i just dont give a shit anymore #i can post whatever i want literally who fucking cares #negative

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help-i-need-a-cool-username · 3 years

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So for AAW this year i decided to explore some QPRs since ive never done that before (does that even qualify for AAW?). So without further ado (i'll try to keep it quick) these are the relationships that give me the strongest QPR vibes theres no particular order just a attempted color gradient

1. Joan Watson and Sherlock Holmes (Elementary)

Ive talked about these two before for AAW 2019(?) so ill touch on them briefly (and i'll put the link in the notes). Disclaimer: This is a show that i watched in bits and pieces, almost primarily from reruns. The longterm focus of this show is clearly these two's relationship. In the beginning they were stuck together, and then they chose to be together but they still had issues, at one point they stop talking to each other (like legit didnt talk one of them moved away and they didnt stay in contact), were together with issues again, and then they were primarily okay, and at one point left/fled the country together even though only one of them had to. Throughout the show there are these spoken moments that really tell the depth of their relationship, from either them or other characters. Off the top of my head theres "you named a species of bee after me," "i think shes the person you love most in this world," "i consider you to be a exceptional person. So i make a exceptional effort to accommodate you," "this is your home," "i'll stay. Of course i'll stay," and that line in the picture. They dont seem to struggle that much when it comes to describing their relationship and believe "partners" sums it up best. They live together, see each other as the most important/favorite person in their lives, and are raising a child together.

2. Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens)

Im not sure these two count, being not human and all. In the show and in the fandom (and i assume the book) people, and they themselves, struggle to understand their relationship and on top of that they arent supposed to be on good terms with each other (one is a angel and one is a demon). Are they friends? Enemies? Boyfriends? Best friends? Crowley at one point comes to the conclusion that never having Aziraphale in his life again is worse than the end of the world. One of the definitions for a QPR is "undefinable relationship," which fits nicely here.

3. Mako Mori and Raleigh Becket (Pacific Rim)

Disclaimer: i havent seen this movie since it was in theaters and therefore dont remember much. If i had know what a QPR was when i saw this movie it would have made so much more sense. One of the background themes is strong relationships (you cant power the robots without it) which includes familial, platonic, and romantic. These two were left ambiguous, all the shots were framed in that typical "they're gonna end up together by the end" way only for nothing to confirm it at the end. It was wonderful. You follow two different gendered strangers who become super important to each other and share all their darkest secrets and memories and give each other soft looks to not end up dating at the end. Wether or not you see it as a QPR its a movie that doesnt erase m/f friendship and thats just fantastic.

[sorry guys its 2am now these paragraphs are gonna be a little shorter]

4. Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel)

Before Carol disappeared it was clear she was living with Maria, her best friend, and helping her raise Monica, Maria's daughter, from a young age. Its clear her "death" greatly effected them.

5. Maka Albarn and Soul Eater Evans (Soul Eater)

I recently rewatched this show and their relationship on the surface seems like Two Kids Who Are Opposites And Dont Like Each Other Are Forced To Do Group Project type relationship but its actually so much deeper. They're roommates and best friends and each think the other one is the greatest person they know. They both have arcs centered around protecting the other. Soul states on multiple occasions that he's not into Maka, and Maka compares their partnership to her parents' marriage but never actually expects or acts like Soul is her boyfriend. Its clear they're gonna stay together for a long time coming.

6. Clint Barton and Kate Bishop (Marvel Comics)

Okay so i could say so much on this but let me start this off with a big Disclaimer: i have not read these comics, all of my knowledge comes from fan works (like the entirety of ao3 and tumblr) and wiki pages. These two. THESE TWO. Ahhh i dont even know what to say because i dont know if this is a thing where fanon versions are entirely OOC. These guys have something like a 12 year age difference, so from the outside their relationship seems weird. People (real or fictional idr) keep trying to slot them into familial roles (big brother and little sister, uncle and niece, dad and daughter) but the truth is they're friends and partners. Ya its a little weird with their age difference but if they were both 10 years older most people wouldn't even notice the age difference. Clint makes it clear to us just how much he loves Kate. She's super important to him. Just looking for pics for this post i saw so many panels displaying how close they are. Idk if its canon or not but fanfic really gave the impression Kate basically lives part time at his place. These two give me vibes that they have the kind of closeness where they could cuddle on the couch together and it wouldnt be weird. And i mean full horizontal doing a balancing act in order to get them both to stay on the couch between the backrest and the edge so they could nap. Like if one of them was married their spouse wouldnt be surprised to wake up in the morning and find them both eating breakfast in their PJs. Like these two would kiss on the mouth but it wouldnt be romantic at all just a way to express emotion. They just give me this vibe thats led to so many headcanons and idek if its canon

#hinacu #aaw21 #aggressively arospec week #its 2:30am and ive finished #i started at 12:30 #qpr #qpp #queer platonic partnership #queer platonic relationship #joanlock #ineffable husbands #soma #hawkeye squared #hawkeye^2 #i forget the other ship names #we really need a symbol for qpr like u have / for romantance and & for platonic/famlial/dynamics in general #what should we use like a \ or a + or ~

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jaehyunrk · 5 years

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♡

i honestly don’t know where to start with this so i’m probably going to ramble on! i’ve been in rk since i think it’s first year as yixing (lmao who remembers him!!!) kept him for about a year and a half before i had to drop him to focus on school and then i picked up jaehyun!!! and then haknyeon (my favourite boy ever) ♡ ya girl in uni now!!!! i guess you could say i grew up with rk –– i joined when i was what? 15? and now i’m a 20 year old grandma lmaoooo someone get me my senior parking spot! rk has known me pre-haknyeon which is Pretty Amazing... alright here we go !!!

first things first; shout out to gmg!!! the people that i’ve practically grown up with! @taeminrk @rkrachel @rkyoungjae @rksungho @rkinho @kibumrk ♡

i’m so thankful to have such a great group of friends! really, what started off as a way for chanel to babysit me and carly (lmaosjkhskjs) turned into all of you guys trying to get me to watch madoka and then me FINALLY!!!! watching madoka!!! you guys are just some of the people i’m most thankful to. tbh, idk if i would ever be able to enjoy rookies without you. it’s nice to know that we can talk about everything, and that i feel so comfortable with all of you. i could write a whole long ass letter for each and everyone one of you individually but AM I REALLY THAT SAPPY ?! yes i am bitch so lets mfin do this

@rkrachel hope i love u so much!!!!! i’ll always think that you’re actually like fifty years older than me because you’re always so level headed and mature!!! i love those pictures of ur big dogs (horses) and its always fun when we get updates about ur farm!!! i dedicate this video to u!!! i love plotting with you and it’s always such a joy just talking to you!

@rkyoungjae CASSIE!!!! i feel like we havent spoken much recently because we’ve both been so busy with irl stuff! but our friendship started even before rookies with a gc with carly in it! i’ll never forget how you were one of the very first rp/internet friends i ever made and just how comfortable i immediately felt with you! i hope you’re doing well and that life is treating you kindly because you deserve it!

@kibumrk kate! plotting with u is always super fun!!! and i love the relationships our characters tend to build! i know i meme a lot but i love u and yes i know the earth isnt 2018 years old !!!! kibum is one of jaehyun’s closest hyungs and his dad figure (who is now like an older brother figure ... they grow up so fast... <3 ) remember not to stress out too much, to take things slowly and that i love you!!!

@rkinho chanel OMG tbh the first time i found out ur name i was like “this bitch EXPENSIVE???” but anyway i love YOU!!! you are WISE and kind and such a joy to talk to!!! somehow our muses also always end up in interesting relationships and i love it when u come into the gc with random stuff to say LOL lets become a broadway star and get cute boys!!!!!!!!!!

@rksungho LEX!!!!! where do i begin omg !!! i feel like we truly got closer last year and tbh i do not regret it at all !!!! becoming closer to you was one of the best things to have happened to me and i’m so glad that we have such a good relationship now. i LOVE talking to you and plotting with u and just everything with you in general! i feel so comfortable talking to you about literally anything and it’s always so fun just dming you or talking to u on discord or twitter because its just!!!!! FUN!!!!! really u make me so super happy and i hope you know that ♡

@taeminrk CARLY..... we’ve been friends for about 5??? years as well omg but it always feels like its so much longer!!!!!!! ik we’ve both been busy but you’re such a blessing to have in my life! it’s always nice talking to you and i like how we can talk about literally everything. when i was going through hard patches in my life you were there for me (through ib, school, life) and i’m thankful for that! i’m glad to see how much you’ve grown up and i know you’ll go far in life ♡ ur birthday is soon so im leaving more cheesy stuff till then but just know THAT I LOVE YOU even if i clown you thats just how i show affection

- love gmg’s forever maknae

NEXT UP!!! MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE!!!!!!

rose / @rkyeri : UHMMMM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH???? can you BELIEVE that we’ve been friends for like two??? three??? years??? WOW!!!! you’re literally one of my favourite people EVER and we talk almost everyday and tbh i never get bored of talking to you!!!! the ri to my jae ♡ you’re honestly one of my bffs and i can tell u anything and we’re always being fools (remember when we thought kaeun was 20 years older than wonyoung omg i still cant BELIEVE)!!!! icb the first thing i said to u was “hi i heard u liked blonde yixing” and something like “im reading manga” LIKE..... but really i just love u so much!!!!!! you’re the ro to my fi ♡ i love jaeri literally #bestrkcouple and we are #bestcouple !!! im glad that i can talk to you about anything ♡ im sure u know how much i love u because i literally always tell u i love u!!! youre an amazing dancer and it’s always so amazing to see how far you’ve come!!! CLASS A DANCER RANK #1 IN MY HEART

phil / @rkdoyoung @rkljy : thank u next... im kidding SJSSHS icb how close we’ve gotten in the span of a year omg i feel like i’ve known u for like ever!!! my literal actual soulmate we talk almost everyday and idk how it happened but we’ve gotten into the habit of saying “(insert the boyz member) MORNING” HAHAHAHA u know i love u clown and idk what i’d do without u now!!! ure like one of my fave ppl to talk to and whenever i see a notif from u i get a soft smile :’) jyujyu have got nothing ON PHIFI the true otp ♡ tbh i still cant get over how alike some of the things we do are and how we do some of the same things at the same time despite timezones skjhskjh #PHIFICULTURE!!!!! our one shared braincell really brought us a long way !!! anyway ure literally like my other half especially when it comes to dumb shit so just know that i love u clown ♡

lari / @rkbyunbaek : LARI!!!!!! i love u so much!!!! we haven’t written much together in a long time but that’s okay! because in my heart baekhyun is still one of jaehyun’s faves!!! talking to u is so great and i’ll never forget #sopafoursome and how much i love them! all your muses always make MY muses smile and you’re just a huge bundle of joy i love seeing you, your muses, your tweets literally anything!!! and you’re such a comfort to have!!! i love u and i hope you always know that ♡

GCS & COMPANIES

i know im not the most active in gcs lately so my apoligeez.... i wont tag ppl but i love all of these gcs im in !!!! and the ppl in it!!!

royal ! there’s so many of y’all so i wont tag but wow!!! i feel like this is the longest lasting company any of my muses has been in??? i love u guys so much and icb jaehyun went from being one of the maknae of royal boys to LITERAL HYUNG LINE.... omg all my grandmas where u @ !!!!! the gc is such a joy to be in, everyone is so incredibly sweet and i love each and every one of you! seriously!!!!

royal boys ! jaehyun’s old but he will try to be a good hyung!!!! he rly went from maknae line to hyung line just like that!!! he will be a good hyung!

nova ! at first i had no idea what to expect being in a gc for a company that none of my muses have ever been in!!! but everyone was so incredibly sweet and i’m so glad that haknyeon got into nova ♡

nova boys ! i love u guys a lot!!!! i know i dont talk as much in the gc lately but just know that i love the nova boys!!!!! you’ve all made me and haknyeon feel so welcomed and i love how we meme things and have #incorrectnovaboys aka my fave thing about nova boys!!!! if nova boys dont debut together i think hak and i would cry

rknctea ! tbh i always ghost on the gc but its so funny when i open it up and i see y’all talking about the randomest things LMAO i’ll try to ghost the gc less when i get more free but you guys have been really welcoming to new nct muns and its fun to see what all the stuff you talk about and randomly jump in!!!!

thebuwuyz ! for putting up with the constant crying over the boyz... i love y’all!!! the gc gets random at times but do know that i love it and whatever we talk about! it’s always super fun just talking in the gc!!! #stantheboyz!!!!!

SHOUTOUTS TO @woojinrk @jaehwanrk @jungeunxrk @rkseonho @rkpcy and @rkariel !!!!!

@ ang: literally my bff the girl i’ve known for YEARS now... lets have our muses cover hily one more time.... yixing & kris are too iconic for us to ever forget!!!! i love u ang ♡ (i’ll text u more memes)

@ haru: WHEN WILL WE EVER FINISH PLOTTINGKJSHHSHS but rly its so fun to just talk to u too even tho we always sidetrack for plotting just talking to u is fun!!!!

@ moose: I LOVE U!!!! and i loved what yeeun and jaehwan had until i clowned myself and had her cleared </3 but (cowboy emoji) ur love for kenta and sanggyun is adorable and we should plot again sometime.... love u!!!!

@ leo: we got closer after seonho got into royal and tbh i still think ure dongmin for some reason!!!!! im terrible at threading but i still love our kids!

@ mari: we havent spoken in so long but i’ll never forget LAYHAN!!!!! what introduced me into the world of rp-shipping lowkey.... they played such a big role in my rk journey and i always loved talking about them with u!!!! still forever in my heart!!!!

@ mei: we havent spoken in so long TOO but i’ll never forget yixing and tiffany!!!! kt mean girls squad!!!! and ofc “yixing: here comes trouble!!!!” its been so long since then and i can’t believe that tiffany/ariel’s going to debut OMG!!!! imagine yixing streaming her songs in china and showing off that he knows famous ppl

i’m sorry if i didnt tag a lot of people !!!! its bc this is the only time im free enough to write this!!!! love u all!!!

#rkfifth #i wrote a lot omg #i didnt personally tag everyones @s but i mentioned gcs that im happy to be a part of!!!!#lazy to proofread

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alicedoessurveys · 6 years

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80 Questions

1. Does it annoy you when people send three more texts while you are trying to respond to the question they asked in the text before that? nope, I dont mind. I might get a bit flustered trying to reply quickly but not annoyed.

2. How do you like your popcorn? I dont like popcorn

3. Do you like to read? sometimes. I find reading difficult because dyslexia but when I find the right books that get me totally sucked in then I love it

4. Have you ever played a Wii? yes I have one. the just dance games are my favourite

5. Would you ever become a vegetarian? possibly. I only eat chicken, beef and bacon anyway

6. Who was the first person you talked to today? mom

7. Are you sarcastic? I can be yes when I feel comfortable with someone

8. How is school? im not in school anymore thank god

9. What color eyes does the person you like / love have? greyish blue

10. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? apparently it was Teletubbies

11. Do you like Mexican food or any other foreign foods? dont think ive had Mexican but it doesn't seem like my type of food. I like Italian the best and a bit of Chinese or Indian

12. What color is the keyboard you are currently using? Black keys on a grey base

13. Do you own any of those ‘chunky’ and cute rings? Nope

14. Do you own an iPod or MP3 player? If so, what kind? my music is on my phone

15. When was the last time someone took your picture? I cant remember

16. Would you rather write a report or type it on a computer? type

17. What color was the last jacket or hoodie you wore? the hoodie im wearing now is a purple-ish blue

18. Do you receive more compliments or insults on a daily basis? neither

19. Can you recite the alphabet backward? no

20. Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? plain

21. Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? yes

22. When was the last time you went on vacation? Where was it? last summer I went to bournemouth as usual

23. How many states have you been to in your lifetime? none

24. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? me and nick do but I dont with my other friends

25. Have you ever been an outcast at your school or anywhere else? yes, my friendship group was classed as the outcasts in my school

26. Do you own any dresses? If so, what colors are they? Yes at the moment just one, its black with little white and yellow flowers.

27. Would you say you drink more pop / soda than you should? yes

28. Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast? milk

29. How many different colors has your bedroom been painted? the bedroom im in now I have only painted once

30. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? no

31. Is there anyone out there who can make you cry very easily? everyone. im a sensitive person

32. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? idk

33. Have you ever been in a car wreck? nope

34, Do you have your ears pierced? If not, what do you have pierced? I do not. I have no piercings

35. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? yes

36. Do a lot of people understand you completely? Who does exactly? no. the only people I feel understand me the most are my mom and nick

37. Would you say you’re really good at cooking and baking things? there are a few things I can cook and bake well

38. How is the weather outside right this second? freeeeeezing. it snowed again today

39. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? a few trees, and quite a few houses.

40. Have you ever seen That 70’s Show? Do you watch it regularly? no

41. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? Not seriously nope

42. When was the last time you watched a movie in theaters? few weeks ago

43. Have you ever moved to a completely different state before? nope

44. Do you mind it when surveys ask you really personal questions? nope

45. When was the last time you told someone you love them? this evening

46. What would you do if the last person you kissed said they hated you? not be bothered. I havent spoken to him in years

47. Do you ever think you might be pregnant? nope

48. When was the last time you acted really immature? probably the last time I was with Rhys, he brings out my immature side :’)

49. Do you enjoy watching comedies or horror movies more? comedies

50. As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend? nope

51. Does anyone call you baby? Who would that be? not really, my parents do sometimes but not often

52. What did you last heat up in the microwave? hot chocolate

53. What is the last thing someone bought you? nick bought me food today

54. Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? mom

55. What are you listening to? big brother on telly

56. Have you made a mistake this past week? I probably make a least one mistake a day

57. What will you be doing tomorrow? church in the morning, then I have no idea. probably go visit nan

58. Do you have clothes that belong to other people? nope

59. Has anyone ever taken your own clothes off you before? yes

60. When was the last time you had to deal with the police? never

61. Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back? no! aint nobody got time for that

62. Have you ever touched a dead body? nope

63. Were you anybody’s New Years kiss? nope

64. Is there something you’re not looking forward to? yes

65. Laptop or desktop? laptop

66. Is there someone you want to kiss right now? yes

67. Don’t you hate when radio stations continue to play the same songs? I rarely listen to the radio

68. Does your bedroom door have a lock on it? yes

69. Have you ever had a real tea party? Or been to one? nope

70. What’s the last thing you put in your toaster? bread

71. Why do some people shave their arms? I shave my arms because I prefer the look of them without hair, even though the hair on my arms is quite light

72. What is one thing you always seem to have in your freezer? curry

73. If you have siblings, which one of you is going to be married first? my sister says she won't marry her boyfriend, but I hope she does. she is more likely to get married before I do

74. Where’s the last place you got Mexican food? havent had Mexican food

75. Have you been called a tease? nope

76. Know anyone that will be getting married soon? yes

77. Is there anyone you would like to just appear at your front door right now? yes

78. Who was the last person you hugged and why? nick, because we always hug when we say bye

79. How late did you stay up last night? I think I was asleep by 12

80. Who are your last six texts from? nick, my sister, my mom, Addison and Rhys group chat, the director of the show im working on

#survey #long

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jeenabean · 4 years

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6/30/2020

I feel so weird, like so many people have left me and my life for reasons that i know i have control over.. Emmanuel, Juliana, and now Bea maybe? Like,this shit eats me up inside, and the thing is that i try to reach out and right my wrongs, but i feel like its still not enough? I dont know what else to do at this point. I kind of feel alone, and im not sure what to do. It makes me very sad that Juliana and I havent really spoken in over a year, and i really would love to get that friendship back when the time comes. As for Bea, i think that situation may need to settle for a good minute before we can really hash out the differences. Was aida right when she said shes not sure if we should be friends anymore because its toxic?? But i really dont want to. I dont even think the situation itself was serious enough that it had to drag on this long? like... honestly. So idk what to do, but whatever. I have to focus on myself and moving forward with or without some people.

Also, im trying not to stress and think so much about it, but im not really sure where this Joao situation is going? I want to talk to him more, and for him to not go hours without texting me back. Thats whats frustrating me to be honest. But at the same time, i need to learn how to not act on emotion and understand that no one owes me anything. At this point, his actions have showed more interest than before, but at the same time if he really was into me and wanted me he would make it known. Almost a month ago he told me that hes not ready to be with anyone right now so i need to just think about that. Someones actions will tell you all you need to know.

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angstymcspicy-blog · 4 years

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22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone.

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up.

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore.

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try.

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it.

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.

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