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rosykims · 5 years

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A-Z HEADCANONS // DUNCAN THEIRIN

i was tagged by @nordxz thanks so much tash !! i'm gonna answer this for duncan, my babey and the next gen son of alistair and ella cousland 😊😚😘

i snappped while answering these and accidentally wrote 6 pages and almost 4k words so uh. loooooong infodump ahead.

Alignment: What would be their D&D alignment? How might it come into play?

duncan very easily falls into the lawful neutral category, like i dont rly need to give his alignment too much thought unlike with some of my other ocs. duncan is.....hmm. hes a very KIND person, generous and selfless, and tries his best to make people happy, but i wouldn’t necessarily say he's good, considering a lot his issues lie with his inability to act, or stand up to others. he’s guilty of very blindly following the law, or other people's ideas of what's right, and he doesn't really feel confident enough to rely on his own conscience for most things. so i'd say while he tries to do the right thing and act within the law, sometimes he goes against his own values out of fear or confusion or, simply out of ignorance, since he was born into a life of privilege and can't always distinguish what's right and what’s believed ykno

Beverage: What do they most like to drink, and why?

duncan shares a weird trait with both his brother and sister where they all just inexplicably ?? don't like alcohol at all. so stuff like wine and liquors is off the table. he absolutely LOVES tea though. u know that one scene in scott pilgrim where the gal is going thru her list of like 72 teas? thats him 100%. it's his lifeblood at this point, he has SO much of it and a perk of being the heir to a monarchy means he's got a lot of foreign merchant acquaintances, so he tends to order in different blends from all over. he's a chronic insomniac, and he uses it as a crutch to get through the days some times. modern!duncan still loves tea but obviously has a stronger love for coffee, since its far more effective!

Co-Habitat: Do they live with anyone? What’s “need to know” before moving in?

duncan currently lives in the residential dorms of the college of enchanters, while he's sort of aimlessly studying a bunch of subjects he's already mostly adept at. firstly, duncan is VERY sick lol, he was conceived while ella and alistair still hadn't found the cure for the joining, and essentially he inherited both of their darkspawn taint so 🙂🙂🙂 thats always a good time. so anyone who lives with him needs to prepare for 1) him being sick obviously,, throwing up, coughing up blood, looking like a corpse virtually 23 hours of the day lol. and obviously the fear that one day he might actually die. but also 2) he suffers from grey warden nightmares for the same reasons, hence the insomnia. he can go a concerning number of days without sleeping and usually only takes strategic cat naps when he needs to, but obviously he has his limits. it's very rare that he goes a full night without waking up in a cold sweat due to nightmares so. we stan one depressed king ! oh he also is Incapable of locking the door to his apartment. he always forgets and hes too tired to care about people stealing his stuff fkdkdjdjd he would probably make more of an effort if he had someone living with him, but old habits die hard so !!!!!!

Decor: What kind of home do they keep? Are there any defining details?

honestly , duncan's house is very devoid of clutter or personal items in general, which is sad. he definitely would have a lot of decor if he could, but since his current housing is only temporary while he's in orlais, he doesn't really want to get... comfortable ykno. other than that, duncan's home is always kept impeccably neat and clean, for two reasons. firstly, growing up in denerim's palace really engrained into his head the importance of keeping up appearances, so its sort of a subconscious ritual of his at this point. but i think more importantly its because of all the nights when he cant sleep, so during the night with nothing to keep him from dwelling on his thoughts or nightmares, he really needs the distraction, and cleaning gives him something to do. duncan really needs to feel like he's doing something, like he's managing, like he's able to achieve something so cleaning is just one little way of taking ownership of his life.

Escape: What do they do to de-stress? How successful is it?

nsfw warning but uhhh..... he has a LOT of sex basically dkdkdksk u wouldn’t know it by looking at him tho ! bc hes very polite and nervous and kinda shy?? but hes also charming and obviously attractive so he doesnt really lack for interested parties. mainly he just sticks to one night stands, with no strings attached, and it helps him take his mind off things when hes exhausted or its late at night and hes afraid to go to sleep. otherwise he also has had some friends with benefits but usually his personal life is too complicated for a serious relationship. aside from that, he also reads a LOT, writes too – when he has the time/energy – and obviously cuddling sessions with his cat, moira dkdkdk

Fluff: What hits their soft spot? Does anything turn them into emotional goo?

so ik above i said that duncan doesnt do serious relationships but thats,, not through any will of his own. he LOVES love and is a complete hopeless romantic , but unfortunately for a number of reasons he's just very unlucky at love ! 😔 so having an emotional, intimate connection with someone that isnt just sex is super healing for him, since he's not used to it at all. being with nadaia is such a positive thing for him, just knowing that his feelings are reciprocated and that he's valued and wanted.

Grudge: How bad does an insult go over? Do they hold a grudge long?

i think it depends on who its directed at !! duncan usually ignores any insults directed at him because he's grown up being so scrutinized by the public and for the most part, fereldens are very weary of him so he hears A LOT. most of criticisms about him he just.. automatically accepts as fact and really buys into them, bc he has such low self esteem. but as for other people, and ESPECIALLY loved ones thats a very different story!! he's not exactly the type to start throwing punches if anyone says a bad word against someone he cares about, but he WILL personally see to it in his own sneaky way that they get whats coming to them dkdkkdjd usually he'll either find a way to expose their dirty laundry, embarrass them in public, prevent a promotion, something like that lol. this goes double if the insult is directed at nadaia or his family.

Hobby: What’s something they do for fun that might be surprising?

ive already mentioned that he's an avid reader and he likes to write occasionally, but he's also a talented musician! He can play harp and lute, and has a beautiful singing voice ! tho he never EVER sings in public and u have to be like,, a ride or die for him to even consider singing in front of u.

Insomnia: What’s their sleeping schedule like? Snorer? Sound sleeper?

well like i said he's an insomniac so sleep rly is a vague, barely recognised concept to him at the point dksksksk he also experiences sleep paralysis during especially bad nightmares, honestly he rly hit the misery jackpot and i feel so bad like hes indisputably my most tormented oc 🙃🙃🙃 so yea hehe doesnt really thrash around during nightmares but he sweats A LOT and sometimes talks in his sleep. during sleep paraylsis obviouslyy he goes COMPLETELY rigid and still which is terrifying for everyone involved lol. on the rare occasion that he is able to sleep he is out like a light lol he would sleep for 17 hours if he could. in saying that because he is also a Strategic Napper he is usually comfortable falling asleep ANYWHERE, because hes so tired comfort really isnt a concern lol.

Jaded: Do they buy into the “happily ever after” ideal? What’s their standard?

no he doesn't unfortunately 😔 or at least i should say he doesn't believe in it for himself - he's pretty convinced that he won't live til 30 and he's existing on borrowed time as it is, so he hasn't really put a lot of thought into his own happiness or the pursuit of his own goals because he doesn't believe he'll be around to see them realized

Kin: What’s their role among their relations? Do they consider others family?

duncan is the firstborn son of king!alistair and ella cousland, my canon warden. he's also the eldest brother to roslyn and bryce theirin. he's also, obviously , the half brother of keiran, tho none of the theirin kids are aware of that oof. his role, officially, is to become king when his parents eventually pass. its NOT something he wants, due to being so sick and unsure of himself. despite what his parents tell him, he doesnt believe he will make a good king and is really terrified of the notion in general, i guess a little like alistair was in dao. duncan kinda,,, avoids his duties, to the point where he literally LEAVES to live and study in orlais. he still does what he needs to do, keeps in correspondence with people he needs to, but its all bare minimum stuff because hes just. so afraid of it lol. he has a mostly good relationship with his family, despite that – theres some resentment between him and his sister, rose, but thats a whole entire story we dont have time for dkdkskdk

Law: What do they think about abiding rules? Are they selective about it?

like i said before he's pretty adherent to the rules and laws of society tho i do see that as more of a flaw than anything. he doesnt really feel comfortable stepping outside the norm and tends to accept that other people know best ! even if he disagrees he's usually too unsure of himself to speak up. that does change quite a bit once he and nadaia grow closer, since SHE is big on bending ridiculous or unjust rules, but he's always gonna be a bit of a follower i think 😒

Magic: In a magic series or not, are they accepting, or is each instance a shock?

he's accepting!! he's a mage so it would be wild of him if he didnt lmao. during his childhood/adolesence he was kinda harsh on himself and had a lot of internalized guilt for being a mage, bc this was obviously still fresh after the mage rebellions. he resented his own abilities and just wanted to be normal, but that was also him projecting a lot of his other problems as well. he had amazing teachers who helped him come to terms with his abilities, and the best of all was my inquisitor, ashara, who is kind of like a very distant, scary aunt who always had a soft spot for him. she helped him – and alistair and ella – RIGHT after they discovered he was a mage, and she was really the biggest role model in his life when it came to magic. duncan has always looked up to her skill and control and confidence, and tried very hard to match that.

Network: Are they connected to the people? How much do they reach out to others?

duncan has an ARMY of acquaintances and connections due to his family, but doesn't really have a lot of people he considers his close friends. he's super friendly and he gets along with most people, but like ive said before serious relationships including friendships are always a bit complicated for him bc of who he is as a person lol. as for reaching out, he's a very independent, introverted person and so he tends not to seek out other people unless he's close to them or has no other choice. he's very self conscious about being a burden on people or being to “needy" so he holds himself back and sometimes comes across as a little cold.

Offspring: What kind of parent would they be? Would they prefer one, or multiple?

he.... probably can't physically have kids unfortunately due to his condition, and as a result he's never really wanted to think too much about it, or imagine a scenario that he believes he cant have. but if it WERE a possibility, or if he felt stable in his own life enough to adopt, he'd probably be comfortable with just one child to completely spoil. he would be such a good father, albiet maybe not the coolest dad ddkdkdks i think nadaia would be the one who got up to the crazy shenanigans and let her child get away with everything, and duncan would be more of the nurturing, responsible one. he'd be a MASTER at telling bedtime stories, would kick ass at homework assistance, and would sing his kid to sleep every single night (until they got too old for it obviously). ooooo im so IMMENSELY emo abt this au now that i think about it

Pistol: Is this character skilled with a weapon? What’s their opinion of violence?

duncan is a very non-violent person, but he does believe that sometimes violence is necessary and will BE violent if he needs to – only in self defence scenarios though. he's an adept mage, and very skilled with a staff, but he isn't a fighter, really – more of a defensive, protective figure.

Question: How often do they feel doubt? What topics are they defensive about?

oh the doubt is constant with him 🙃🙃 he has a lot of deep routed dread about his own morality and whether or not he's a good person or if the maker will accept him when he dies. he's andrastian but TERRIFIED of the notion that its all actually real, bc then he doesnt know where that leaves him. he has this weird existential dichotomy where he doesnt know if hes closer resembling a grey warden or a darkspawn bc of his tainted blood. he also doubts his abilities and his magic bc he's afraid that the taint just,, makes him inherently a corrupted thing. he doubts himself on a more basic level with like, being a good brother, a good son, a good king when the time comes. he wants to be a good student and partner but sometimes his health makes him feel like he cant, and it weighs on him so heavily, almost all the time. basically he needs a hug so badly its not funny 😔😔😔

Reminder: How are they at remembering daily needs? What falls through the cracks?

uhh its very selective !!! for the most part he's very good at taking care of himself, mostly because he NEEDS to otherwise his health gets out of control, but sometimes he tends to prioritize one set of needs above another,, which usually means not sleeping (the most common), forgetting to eat, not letting his loved ones know when he's having a poor health day which usually results in him getting really sick and nobody is around to help him. he also forgets to do certain things like lock up his house, buy foodstuffs, reply to peoples letters n stuff like that.

Sing: Do they like music? Do they listen often/sing/hum/play songs in their head?

yes and yes !! duncan loves music altho its a very personal and private thing for him. he's pretty naturally gifted with music and gets it from ella, who taught him a lot of what he knows. he has a gorgeous singing voice (i kinda hc something similar to dan smith’s vocals from bastille!) that he rarely uses bc he only ever sings when he's alone or if he's forced to by a nosy loved one or something lol

Touch: How do they handle contact? Is their personal bubble big?

duncan doesn't mind being touched !!! in fact in most situations he welcomes it, as long as its like,,, appropriate and not some random stranger obviously. he grew up with ella and alistair who obviously are VERY affectionate people so he loves giving and receiving hugs from friends and he doesnt flinch or feel weird about just? random natural touches or anything. his ~love language~ is also physical touch so he LIVES for cuddling with nadaia and holding hands and anything like that. however !!! his little sister rose HATES being touched by virtually anybody and in any capacity, so he's very aware that not everybody is okay with touch, and is always careful and considerate of other peoples boundaries. he usually waits for the other person to make the first move, or simply asks them first !

Upcoming: How much do they think of the future? Do they make long-term plans?

he doesn't at all 😔 i mentioned this before but he doesn't see himself living very long, and its really impacted his outlook on life. he is afraid to commit to a lot of things, even if its something he really, truly wants, because he doesn't want to get his hopes up for things. it also keeps him from forging positive relationships. a lot of it has to do with him just being overly polite, but he refuses to make the first move with anything, or communicate what HE wants out of something. for example, his relationship with nadaia could have progressed so much faster if he had just,,, told her what he wanted. she had to make a lot of the first moves in the relationship because he just,, doesnt know how to take chances i guess !!! we love a Deeply Flawed king

Vice: What bad habits do they have? Is there something they would be ashamed of?

Some harmless ones are ; him talking to his cat constantly dkdskd also he has very poor time management skills so he's almost always a few minutes late, forgetting to lock his stuff up, and slouching, probably !!! some more serious ones would be like,, having sex with strangers as a coping mechanism lol, not speaking his mind and instead just letting himself be a doormat, also INTENSE avoidance of his problems (moving away to orlais for 9 years to avoid his fear of being king for example 🙃) tho i guess they fall under the same category oof.

Wardrobe: What’s their fashion style? Do they have any staple pieces?

duncan dresses nice, for the most part !!! again, it's mostly to do with growing up in court and having to keep up appearances, but also hes just. a nice bisexual boy who wants to take care of himself ykno, and that includes hygiene/clothing/grooming etc ! he's maybe a bit TOO reserved tho, he mostly wears dark colours like blacks, greys and brows, but hes been known to wears reds/blues/whites as well, and there’s a lot of subtle yet beautiful details on his more formal attire that might go unnoticed by a casual eye. a lot of his clothes are specifically tailored but he's also fond of big oversized sweaters for when hes just hanging out ! he's got a not great relationship with his body lol so he usually dresses very conservatively, with long sleeves and pants and usually more than one layer, but hes also a thot so !!! pants be TIGHT dksksksks

X-Ray: How’s their health? Any problem areas? Do they take care of themselves?

Djdjdksksndjddjkekdidksjs OKAY WELL if u have read this far than obviously u kno the answer to this question. if ur just skimming tho first of all ur valid ! second of all duncan is VERY sick. he was conceived when ella and alistair where still searching for the joining cur, so basically he inherited the darkspawn taint x 2 and nearly died a bunch of times as a baby/young child. obviously idk how the cure storyline is gonna resolve but my hc is that bc the darkspawn taint is something he was BORN with, not just something that happened to him via ritual, his body is much more impacted by it so even if they are able to find a cure, it wouldnt work THAT well and his health would still suffer bc of the prolonged damage. so physically, he deals with a LOT – intense migraines, insomnia, nausea, fatigue, problems with breathing and fevers and stuff. obviously mentally hes.... not doing great either, tho he’s trying his best. sometimes his insomnia gets so bad he starts hallucinating visions from his darkspawn nightmares, and sometimes he just feel paranoid in general that he's actually an Evil Darkspawn and hes just somehow managed to convince everyone hes a normal person – sort of a weird blend of imposter syndrome and body dysmorphia its. complicated. anyway he has very low self esteem and tends to think hes a huge inconvenience to everybody, and when he was a teenager he went thru a period where he was very suicidal, and ANGRY and afraid 😔 he’s doing better though, now that he has learnt how to manage most of his symptoms and he's not suffering in denerim court. nadaia is also a huge help, though he tries not to become too heavily reliant on her, since he's had bad experiences with depending too much on other people.

Yack: What’s their favorite thing to talk about? What do they go on about?

skskdkdk im already crying hehe 🙂 duncan is so introverted and self conscious of being “Too Much" for other people so he tends to keep his thoughts/interests to himself and stick w just. boring small tall or non invasive questions relating to the other person. BUT if u show an interest and he trusts u then oh boy. hes an absolute dork. he loves talking about magic and having really intense conversations abt the technical sides of it (he and dorian would get along SO well) but he also loves history !!!! before he began studying at the college of enchanters he received multiple ??? qualifications?? (idk if thats the right term but u kno) from the university of orlais, one of them being orlesian and ferelden history. also anything to do with the grey wardens, the blights and darkspawn for personal reasons obviously. He's a VERY good storyteller so he somehow finds a way to make even the dryest topics seem very compelling and Cool – varric would be proud !! he finds the orlesian Great Game fascinating, and he enjoys sharing wild anecdotes about the things he's seen asshole nobles get up to. thats always thrilling skdksksk ALSO. He has a secret interest in necromancy and the mortalitasi (its only a secret bc hes the heir and that wouldnt look ... great lol ) but he only ever really talks about that with nadaia, who finds that stuff almost as interesting as he does. also, finally, he loves talking about nadaia 😊😊😊😊 hes the type of guy who will always namedrop “my girlfriend" into any conversation, loves telling people about her accomplishments and how Cool she is ..... he loves her a Lot is what im getting at sksksks

Zodiac: What’s their astro sign? Does it fit? What would you pick, if it’s unknown?

duncan is a pisces babey like his mother !!! tho he could also be a virgo but,,, i think for now pisces works better for him. he's very smart and introspective and creative, but he has some issues with critical thoughts, avoidance and melancholy like ive mentioned. also pisces is a water element so i guess that makes even more sense, since hes an ice mage 👌👌👌

okay !!! im done !!! i cant believe i wrote all that but i guess if u didnt know abt duncan before, u absolutely do now dksksks im so sorry to anyone who actually read thru all of this, u really are braver than the troops

#/ long post #god im so sorry idk how read mores work on mobile so im just go... leave this and go #anyway consider this a crash course on my Favourite Boy #i love him so much i rly just... start writing abt him and physically cant stop #tagging literally anybody who sees this as thinks its neat btw. just pretend i put @urnamehere and go for it !#oc: duncan

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cocona · 5 years

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hello :))) ive never done anything within the realm of tarot readings but this sounds interesting ^-^ hope im asking a question properly but since we are closely approaching the new year, what will 2020 bring me :o

hello !! i understand tht this might b a lil stressful for u then or gyh u might feel v curious !!! nd theres no good or bad way to ask a question ehe !! this is a p general one so i let the cards come as they wanted nd stopped when it looked like there was enough !!!

since there are four seasons/trimesters in 2020, i pulled 4 cards from my mystic monday tarot deck nd 4 cards from my astrology oracle deck !! hehe !!

the first card i got was the 8 OF SWORDS. this card shows a woman standing as if she was imprisoned by swords, but she doesnt realise that her hands arent tied and that her eyes arent really blinded... this is a card that represents being stuck in fake barriers, fake limits! in 2020, you might be overcoming these beliefs that limit you and make you feel like youre lesser than, or like youre powerless. this is your year, youre grown ! the only decision maker now is yourself, you can do what you want if you decide to, and no one can force you to do anything. you need to get your head out of that restrictive tunnel though !!! i got MARS IN TAURUS (DEFENSE) for ur astro card !! u might b defensive at that time of the year and take ur time to work thoroughly, you might be indulging in physical pleasures and taking ur time when it comes to that aspect. this is a very slow placement... it’s also sturdy nd resilient. this is about overcoming obstacles with hard and continuous work... i believe in u !!

then, i got the 2 OF PENTACLES. this card is a synonymous of infinity and possibilities. in traditional tarot, u can see someone playing with two circles in an infinite loop.. in this deck, you only see the loop and the two gold coins. this card indicates that youll be busy working on sth that matters to you, youll have set goals for yourself and you might gloss over the little details that make a big painting a masterpiece... take some time to look over it with a clear mind. not everything has to be done so fast ! u can take ur time and work without much stress... this is a personal project thats on the way. idk if u do art or music but thats what im sensing rn,, you will be filled with inspiration. i pulled SUN IN SAGITTARIUS (ENTHOUSIASM) as ur astro card: speaks for itself ehe !! you’ll be hopeful, optimistic , adventurous and ready to succeed ! this is a lovely time of the year, or rather a lovely energy that will be guiding you next year... dont be afraid to start new things as you’ll be filled with a wave of energy ! but as sagittarius is a mutable sign, know that you might ditch it when you get bored...

the third card that came up was the 5 OF CUPS IN REVERSE. in tarot, a reverse card brings the dark or opposite energy of a regular tarot card. in this case, the 5 of cups represents heartbreak, disappointments, and hopelessness. since it’s in reverse, you’ll get the good side of that: emotional maturing, getting over old issues, mending your heart nd moving forward. this is going to be a very emotional process,, you’ll need to accept being vulnerable and that will help you grow significantly . life isnt just productivity, it’s also feeling sad and feeling slowed down... life is all these things. alongside this card, i pulled VENUS IN CAPRICORN (SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS, CONVENIENCES). this card shows someone trapped in a basement, surrounded by greenery, with a house on their head. they seem to be trapped in rules and expectations... venus in cap natives have a hard time being vulnerable when it comes to love and have very high expectations for their partners, who they might treat a bit professionally at first, until you manage to get to their soft nd loving core. a cap venus is also a hardworker at heart, but has a hard time being in touch with their feelings. this is what you should outgrow: let yourself feel things freely, don’t be afraid to be ambitious. this will be a challenging time for you.

the last card i pulled was the 4 OF WANDS IN REVERSE. traditionally, this card represents security, stability, a fixated home nd a safe space for yourself. in reverse, it shows loss, fear, restlessness, insecurities, instability, and all these things. you might be feeling like your foundations have been decked down, like what you took for granted was fake all along. you’ll want to find a solid ground to walk on and to move on from this, but it’ll take you a bit more time. the astro card i pulled was MERCURY IN CANCER (INTUITION). this card has the name of angels on it,, trust your intuition and confide to your guides if youre religious, if not, rely on what you know. theres always someone guiding you above. if sth seems fishy (especially in this time of uncertainty), go with your intuition to make the right choice. overall, this might be a time of spiritual awakening too, you might look into what things can help u heighten ur intuition nd how it works, etc... this is going to be a much gloomier time than the rest of the year,, but it’s coming in a while !!

it’d b nice if u cld yanno. reread this next year nd tell me if i was right or wrong ghjdegdhjegdejkdhew

i wish u a happy new year in advance !!! lov u !! if u have any questions on the reading dnt hesitate to message me !!

#💌#tarot readings🌟#i lov new year readings...this one was insightful...pls lmk it resonates w u !!

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owakoblack-portspa · 5 years

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A Dream of Bethlehem

Fandom: Hetalia: Axis Powers

Pairings: Knights Hospitaller x Knights Templar; Prussia x South Italy

Characters: Teutonic Knights/Prussia (Gilbert), Knights Templar (Chris), Knights Hospitaller (Giovanni), Kingdom of Sicily/South Italy (Lovino)

It is not a very good day to go to Acre, not a very good day at all, people warn little Gilbert. The deeper you go into the city, the more dangerous it becomes, people say. But I am a knight, I am not afraid, Gilbert braces himself. He has seen blood flowing like a river, he has seen corpses piling up a mountain, but he has never seen a hell like this, right in the heart of the capital of the Holy Land. In the streets of Acre, where Christians fight Christians, where brothers kill brothers, homicide and fratricide become natural, even though themselves are not natural at all--it is not a holy land, it is a wild world inhabited by evils. To Gilbert’s utter disgust, after the fall of the Genoese flag, advance the crimson Hospitaller banner and a group of knights in black uniforms into the burning street. ‘Wait, can’t you spare the citizens’ houses?’ Gilbert stands in front of the charging army, but he is unwilling to draw up his sword. ‘And can’t you see the Venetians are our enemies? Step aside, child!’ a tall Hospitaller waves his naked sword towards the little albino. A heavy sound of two clashing swords--a white knight shields Gilbert from the gigantic man, and a string of blood instantly spills onto the red petit cross embroidered on the chest. Even though his left palm is pierced by the sword, and an ugly, bloody hole appears as his enemy’s sword is swiftly and cruelly drawn away, the knight does not show any sign of fear, and quite on the contrary, his angelic face still keeps on smiling. ‘Brother Chris!’ ‘Christien!’

Two boys cry out at the same time. As Gilbert is lying on the ground and Chris is standing in front of him to protect, Giovanni appears just in time, his handsome face furious and sweaty. ‘Stop! The little one is the Teutonic Knights! Our ward!’ Giovanni shouts angrily to the tall Hospitaller. The anonymous Hospitaller sheathes his sword immediately, despite Giovanni the teenager looks much younger than him. ‘I’m sorry, Your Eminence,’ the Hospitaller now looks pallid and trembles like a leaf, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt His Eminence the Order of the Temple, but...’ ‘It’s nothing.’ Chris waves his injured palm impatiently to everyone, smiling as usual, ‘I love playing the role of a martyr. I am so glad that I protected little Gil, in spite of the fact that YOU are his guardian, Gio.’ Giovanni can tell the satire in Chris’ words, but he is not going to argue with a wounded person--after all, his another profession is doctor. ‘Let me see your wound, Christien.’ Giovanni’s voice becomes softer, but firm. ‘I’ve told you it’s nothing.’ Chris’ face becomes paler as he draws his sword in a position of defence, his flaming purple eyes threatening, ‘If you dare to touch me, I’ll revenge myself on you now!’ Giovanni stops short, staring at the blond with sudden coldness, ‘I won’t if I can.’ Then he turns to Gilbert, and raises up the little boy, ‘Are you alright, Gilbert? I’ve promised the Kingdom of Sicily to take care of you. I hope you’re not hurt.’ ‘Don’t treat me like a child!’ Gilbert’s reddened eyes make him look more like a rabbit, and he jumps high to protest. Giovanni does not take his protest seriously. He simply holds up Gilbert’s clenching hand, and retreats with his army, without casting another look at Chris, who remains standing in silence .

‘Brother Gio, can’t you treat Brother Chris a little better? He has saved me! And of all things, why do you two fight each other? You both are christian military orders!’ At the Hospitaller headquarters, Gilbert enquires. ‘The Knights Templar are stronger than us. If we don’t fight to protect ourselves, we’ll be destroyed by them.’ Giovanni replies calmly. ‘Why do the Knights Templar want to destroy you? Brother Chris in fact is very kind-hearted. Even though he knows I am on your side, he teaches me combat skills...hoops!’ Gilbert just realises that he has leaked the secret between Chris and himself. ‘Gilbert, you know I’m not happy to hear this. I hope you won’t betray me as you’ve developed a good relationship with my archrival.’

It has been a week since Chris was injured, and since that day, Gilbert has been bringing medicine to the Templar castle on Giovanni’s command as a punishment of his ‘betrayal’. What Giovanni requires Gilbert to keep in mind, is that Gilbert must not let Chris know who is actually prescribing medications. However, in the end, Gilbert cannot help telling the truth to Chris, ‘Brother Chris, I really hope you can stop fighting with Brother Gio. You see, he regrets what he’s done to you, and sends...’ ‘I hope Gio is not behind this, otherwise I will not accept medicine from you any more.’ Chris interrupts quickly. ‘Why do you hate Brother Gio so much, Brother Chris?’ ‘I hate him for not sending me medicine, and I will hate him more if he asks you to send me medicine. In sum, I just hate him.’ Chris strokes his bandaged left palm with tender passion, but Gilbert is too young to observe this detail or understand these words.

After this street fight, the two gangs seem to have ceased fire for a while, not only because one of their leaders is injured, but also because the festive spirit is approaching. In the Cathedral of Acre, people busy themselves with the preparation of the biggest event of the year--Christmas. The interior of the church is semi-decorated, and still more flowers and plants are coming. ‘Gilbert, have you understood the ceremony process that I’ve just told you?’ Giovanni bends down to speak in the ear of the absent-minded little knight. Both of them stand beside the alter. Gilbert jumps, and finally turns his attention from revery to the taller knight, ‘Sorry, what did you just say?’ ‘Could you tell me why you can’t take your eyes off the audience seats in the church? Are you expecting someone?’ Giovanni frowns. ‘Brother Gio, do you know if Frater will visit Acre for Christmas?’ Gilbert asks carefully. ‘Yes, the Kingdom of Sicily told so me in a letter. And he will attend the Christmas mass as well.’ On hearing the news, Gilbert reacts dramatically: firstly his jaw drops, then his grin broadens, and finally he raises his hands high up in the air, ‘Hallelujah! What a good tiding!’ ‘Calm down yourself, Gilbert! Shouting is forbidden in the church. And if you don’t want Sicily to be disappointed with you, you have to work hard in preparation, understood? It’s your first time to celebrate Christmas, there’re many things for you to learn.’ ‘I know, I know! I’ll work hard for Frater, and on Christmas I’m going to pay my homage to Frater, and then I’ll become a real knight! I’m so awesome! Everything’s going to be perfect! Kesesese!’ Gilbert laughs happily. ‘Don’t be too proud, Gilbert. You have to work hard to achieve your goal. Remember: no pain, no gain.’ ‘But there’s someone lazier than me! Even though Brother Chris’ wound is getting much better, he never comes to the rehearsal, and he’s going to sing in the choir!’ ‘Christien’s done the mass many times so he doesn’t need much rehearsing, and in fact, I don’t think he wants to see me.’ Giovanni looks at the choir practicing singing in a corner of the church, which is consisted of young boys in white dresses. The most beautiful one is missing, just as he has expected.

The Cathedral of Acre has already been enunciated with devout Christians hours before the bells announce the approach of Christmas and the beginning of the Christmas Midnight Mass. The interior of the cathedral is full of the festive spirit, decorated with myriads of flowers, draperies, hangings, ribbons, and candles, making this spacious sacred place shine with all colours of the solar spectrum. Now the congregation is holding its breath to hear the steps of the approaching holy moment, that is to say, waiting for the mass procession enter into the nave. After the bells strike twelve times, silence remains as if time stood still, so everybody turns their head to the church entrance to look for the priests and professed knights. After several seconds pass, finally, to everyone’s relief, the door opens, and a group of people in surplice solemnly walk in. At the head of them is little Gilbert with silver hair and red-pupiled eyes, swinging from side to side a golden, smoking censer in his hands. The little albino holds his chin high and looks straight ahead, so even the distant audience can tell from his rigid movements and his slightly reddened physiognomy that he is at the moment very nervous. Many in the congregation do know that for this new-born German military order, it must be his first time to perform holy services in such a big event, and accordingly they understand his nervousness and cross their fingers to pray for his success in the debut. Among the understanding, kind-hearted people, is Lovino, the Kingdom of Sicily, who comes all the way from Palermo for this special occasion, and who now sticks his little brown head out from the crowd into the aisle covered with red carpets, which makes him so distinct that even Gilbert’s sweat-filmed eyes cannot prevent the little knight from noticing this great kingdom from afar. Consequently, Gilbert starts short, as if petrified, but Lovino is no malicious Medusa--quite on the contrary, he is the most amiable personage here, so he tries to unlock the magic spell by waving his little hand and smiling sweetly to his little knight, to salute, and to encourage him. However, for Gilbert, this is more like an ignition before an explosion than a mere encouragement, for in response, stuffed of energy, he sets himself off high in the air like a rocket, the censer in his hands swinging like a mad turning wheel, spilling hot incense everywhere. All at once a commotion is caused--people sitting nearby the aisle stand up to run, only to find that within such a dense crowd running is almost impossible, thus some panic is caused as well. At this critical moment, Giovanni, who walks beside the bishop in the middle of the procession, dashes out to catch the censer which now is flying out of Gilbert’s hands, and fortunately, after the catch, he is agile enough to regain his balance in time, and stands upright with the golden censer safely contained in his hands. He makes some effort to restrain himself from panting heavily, and immediately resumes his solemn, imperturbable look to hide his shock of this unexpected episode. Realising what has just happened, Gilbert becomes the most panicked person in the cathedral. He dare not look at Lovino’s face to see his disappointment, so he looks down onto the floor, feeling too shameful for himself to move. Seeing this, Giovanni pats Gilbert’s shoulder from behind to urge him to proceed, otherwise the procession would be blocked even though Gilbert is short and tiny. Accordingly Gilbert moves on, and from now on, he becomes half absent-minded for his sense of guilt, head drooping. Despite this, the following process goes on smoothly, the episode is soon forgotten, the audience watch the performance of the servers quietly, listen to the priests’ sermons attentively, and respond by saying ‘amen’ when their heart is quite touched. However, Gilbert’s tribulations are not yet finished. As a novice, he is to give a speech in front of the holy altar, in the face of the public. It is a narration of the nativity, which should have been already familiar to any christian, so before the mass, Gilbert was so confident that he did not bring the script with him. Now, it is high time for Gilbert’s speech, and for the sake of the sense of guilt he is still sweating heavily as if he had just been fished out from the sea: ‘It was...it was in the year of four before Christ, before Christ was born. (A pause.) On the day when Christ was born, Mary found no place to lie down herself and give birth to her child, so she just...she just lied down on the floor, (some hiss from the audience) and she saw stars shining bright in the sky. Oh, I forget to say, (laugh from the audience) there was an angel coming from the sky to tell her that the child is the savior of mankind. So back to the night when Jesus was born, there were three magicians...(somebody hoots)’ Finally Gilbert’s frustrated voice seems to fade away, and people can hardly hear what the little knight is saying, and neither can they see his mouth moving, for he persists in hanging his head down. Lovino, who sits in the front row for the prerogatives possessed by such a great kingdom like him, clasps his hands all the time to pray for Gilbert, and he even dare not bat his big, radiant eyes lest they would distract his knight, but it seems all his prayers are in vain. Giovanni, who stands righteously and solemnly among the priests and servers, is as anxious as Lovino from the bottom of his heart. ‘Can anyone please do something?’ he asked without producing a sound.

‘--Long time ago in Bethlehem So the Holy Bible say Mary’s boy child, Jesus Christ Was born on Christmas day.’

Suddenly, people hear someone singing. At first, people think it is the ringing sound of a crystal stream, for it is so limpid, so pure; and then, when they realise that it is from above, they take it as the voice of an angel, for it is so beautiful and so unearthly, like a beam of light piercing through thick clouds to warm the earth, to fill everyone’s heart with bliss. While the confused audience are looking about themselves, only Giovanni immediately finds out whence the voice is from--he has heard this voice on every Christmas, and yet he still can hardly believe it--as soon as he hears the singing, he raises his head and looks up to the carved balcony facing the altar where he is standing by, and sure enough, he sees a thin, pale figure stand out of the choir boys, beneath the enormous silver organ. It is Chris who is singing. He is clad in white, laced surplice, his pale countenance becomes more tender in the radiance from the white texture, and his soft, curly blond hair makes him shine like a midnight sun. He is not yet grown up, his delicate human form hardly tells his gender, and therefore he looks more beautiful than any man or woman, and so clinks his sweet, heavenly singing voice. Here he stands, so pure he looks, so angelically he sings, even Giovanni has to admit that on this particular occasion, if Chris were not the messenger from God, he cannot tell who this sweet creature could be. ‘It’s the Knights Templar!’ a little girl cries out happily, and her mother quickly quiets her. Even Gilbert looks up from the floor to the balcony gratefully as if he has found his savior, so continues Chris:

‘While shepherds watched their flocks by night Them see a bright new shining star Them hear a choir sing The music seemed to come from afar.

Now, Joseph and his wife, Mary Come to Bethlehem that night Them find no place to born she child Not a single room was in sight.

By and by, they find a little nook In a stable all forlorn And in a manger cold and dark Mary’s little Boy was born.’

The choir boys standing behind Chris, who are also sweet-looking, though not as beautiful as he, begin to sing harmoniously, and all the people in the cathedral sing along:

‘Hark, now hear the angels sing A new king born today And man will live forevermore Because of Christmas day.’

Now everyone rejoices again, because they take part in such a beautiful choir led by an angel, and has never felt so close to God before.

In many aspects, the midnight mass is as successful as last year, so afterwards everybody goes home happily. However, in a dark corner of the sacristy, Gilbert is found sobbing quietly. Because others are gone, only Giovanni and Chris see him. Chris bends down over Gilbert, beaming innocently as ever, and says cheerfully, ‘Gil, don’t cry, it’s Christmas!’ ‘I’m so stupid, I know nothing of Christmas! I’m not fit for being a knight!’ Gilbert tries to conceal his tearful face by burying it between his crouching knees. Even though Giovanni was unhappy for Gilbert’s failures of performance at tonight’s mass, which he believes are the results of Gilbert’s arrogance and ignorance of his persuasion, his benign heart is touched by the little one’s sadness and frustration, so he attempts to comfort Gilbert: ‘To err is human. If you learn from experience, you’ll be forgiven.’ Nevertheless, Giovanni’s austere tone makes Gilbert feel more miserable, ‘Forgiven? Will I be forgiven by Frater? Perhaps I can’t never become his knight!’ ‘Gio, you frightened little Gil!’ Chris criticises his big rival, and continues to console Gilbert by an even more tender voice, ‘come on, Gil, I’ll show you something. I’m sure you’ll learn Christmas by heart. Don’t worry.’ He winks, stands up, and leads Gilbert to the courtyard of the cathedral. Giovanni does not trust Chris, so he follows them into the cool midnight air. Standing under the purple starry sky, Chris brings out from his pocket a plain stone cup. ‘I’m going to use this to bring us to the night when our Lord Jesus Christ was born. You can come with us if you want, Gio.’ ‘Wait, is this...the Holy Grail?’ Giovanni is astonished. ‘Exactly.’ Chris replies matter-of-factly. ‘I didn’t know you possess it.’ Giovanni says darkly, and quickly makes the sign of the cross. In secret, he feels his stomach aching--how come his rival obtains the most sacred relic in the christian world? ‘You don’t have to know everything,’ smiles Chris. It happens very fast. After a flash of blinding light, the three knights are altogether brought to another time and place. The time is still night, but the environment is changed into a dry, rocky wild land. ‘Look! There’s the bright shining star!’ Chris points to the enormous brilliant star hanging in the eastern sky. ‘What does this mean?’ Gilbert is bewildered by this strange environment. ‘Gilbert, how many times have I told you to read the Bible more carefully?’ Giovanni’s austere look makes Gilbert wince. ‘Relax, Gio. It’s the Holy Night, let’s behold the miracle!’ Chris leads the group to walk in the direction of the bright star. After a while, they see a manger at the top of a hill. ‘Is it...?’ Gilbert is shushed abruptly by Giovanni. The three of them carefully approach the manger on tiptoe. The manger basks in the bright shining star right above, so they can see the scene clearly: Mary has just now given birth to baby Jesus, who is sleeping comfortably in his mother’s arms, and Joseph stands by them, watching the baby with great interest and affection. Noticing people approaching, Mary is alert, but as soon as she sees these people are three good-looking young boys in some kind of cassocks, she smiles and gestures them to come closer. ‘Our Lord Jesus, we’ve come to worship you.’ Both Giovanni and Chris kneel down before the little baby who opens his beautiful eyes to look upon them curiously. After realising who the baby is, Gilbert imitates his brothers to fall on kneels, not without clumsiness. Seeing this, Mary smiles affectionately to the timid little knight, and says, ‘thank you for visiting us in such a bleak winter night. Don’t be anxious, little knight, baby Jesus is very happy to see you.’ Gilbert looks up to see Mary’s smiling face, and sees a mother in her, a mother he has never had, or met, in his life. Suddenly, the albino bursts into tears, ‘oh Mother, Mother!’ Mary pats Gilbert’s silver head, speaks to him in a voice so gentle as if singing a lullaby, ‘little child, you have such beautiful hair. Don’t cry, you’ll be loved.’ It is Gilbert’s first time to be praised by someone for his hair--being an albino, he has been jeered and teased all his life. It is not necessary to describe how happy Gilbert is in seeing the Holy Virgin, and he lays his head upon her knees. Meanwhile, Giovanni finds Chris’ pale face full of tears too. Before the little Lord, the beautiful knight clasps his hands tightly while on his knees--he looks so pious, so humble that he makes this moment divine. Unconsciously, Giovanni wears a smile on his face-- O Silent Night! O Holy Night!

On the next morning, Gilbert is woken up by a familiar voice: ‘Gil, wake up! Are you alright?’ When he opens his eyes, he sees Lovino shaking his shoulder anxiously. Thus he sits up abruptly, ‘Frater! Why are you here?’ ‘Dear Gil! I was worried about you so I came to the morning mass early to see if you’re alright, but I didn’t know you slept in the courtyard over night!’ Lovino exclaims, ‘it is not good! You’ll catch cold!’ His puffing face is on the brink of tears. It is Gilbert’s turn to feel worried too, for his heart will break if he sees Lovino cry. ‘Dear Frater, I’m totally fine, so please don’t cry!’ he holds Lovino’s little hand, faking a smile to comfort him, ‘I spent a whole night with Brother Gio and Brother Chris to worship little Lord Jesus in Bethlehem, you have to know how happy I am! Please don’t worry about me!’ ‘Really?’ Lovino’s watery emerald eyes look into Gilbert’s rubies, and he sees truthfulness in them, ‘good, then. But where are Gio and Chris?’ Both of them look around. Beside the wall of the cathedral, they see Giovanni and Chris lying down there, holding each other’s body closely as if to keep warm and sleep more comfortably. Hearing noises, the two sleepy knights are awakened--it is not difficult to imagine the surprised look on their faces. However, instead of letting out a shriek or kicking each other away, in peace, they exchange morning greetings: ‘Morning, Gio.’ Chris smiles like an angel waking up from his sweetest dream. ‘Good morning, Christien.’ Giovanni blushes. He will never admit that it is Chris’ crystal purple eyes that make his heart beat fast, and he feels a little reluctant to let Chris’ warm body leave his arms when both of them get back to their feet. ‘Christien, wait!’ ‘What?’ Chris quickly turns back to face Giovanni, his huge eyes sparkling. ‘I want to apologise for the wound in your palm. I should have stopped my people hurting you.’ Giovanni smites his handsome brow. ‘It’s not your fault,’ Chris smiles mildly, ‘and I want to thank you for healing me.’ ‘You know the medicine was sent by me?’ ‘Of course, do you forget how long we’ve known each other? And as I’m your archrival, who do you think could know you better than me?’ Smiling mysteriously, Chris briskly wheels around. Without knowing why, Giovanni suddenly feels a special attachment to his rival and comrade, so he instinctively follows Chris’ white robe, which is billowing in the wind like an angel’s enormous wings. Later on, in the Christmas morning mass, people are surprised to see the two long-term rivals stand side by side in the procession, and even exchange friendly looks at intervals during the liturgy. ‘It happens once a year that the two great military orders make a truce. After all, it’s Christmas, it’s time for peace, for forgiveness, and for love.’ Among the audience, some Venetians whisper quietly, and then they shake hands with their Genoese neighbours. As for Gilbert, this time, he has done much better especially in the narration of the nativity. When the mass is done and the cathedral becomes empty, he cautiously kneels down before Lovino, ‘dear Frater, I want to be your knight, but I’m not yet perfect--could you wait until I’m fit?’ ‘I don’t need you to be perfect. Whenever you feel yourself is ready, I’ll be ready to take you as my knight.’ Lovino blushes. ‘I promise it won’t be too long, Frater.’ Gilbert tenderly kisses Lovino’s hand.

(End)

#hetalia #APH #prussia x south italy #prussia x romano #APH Prussia #aph south italy #aph teutonic knights #aph knights templar #aph knights hospitaller #prumano

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krs724490 · 3 years

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4/15/21

I’ve been read Dr. Joe Despenza’s becoming supernatural. and he is talking about making mind movies. which i might do! Right now, however, I will write them out in a detailed fashion to help me envision my future. He also suggest making several for the different areas in your life. I agree that this would be super helpful! I want to make one for my career, my home/environment i exist in, my love life, and my health journey. I will start with my love life because it’s the one that so easily consumes my thoughts so i want to knock it out first. so it doesn’t distract me as a i move through the others. I may come back and add detail later. or rather i should. well we’ll see how this practice goes....

1. LOVE

I deeply sighed before writing this because I’m not so sure. If that makes any sense. Like I’m unsure of what I want my love life to look like because I don’t fully trust myself with love. Which sucks. I’ve just gone down too many rabbit holes and its funny because in my head I always say “waste my fuckin time” in that funny voice. but what it really is is me wasting my OWN fucking time because I don’t feel like I have the self control to stop myself from being with men or from discerning which ones are worth my time. I think back to Collin Thiex from less than a year ago and I laugh. Same with Cooper Johnson. Two boys that were so clearly wrong for me and yet at some point I was swept up in them. Maybe it’s because I have met Chase and Tyler and they’ve raised my standards for men. They make me believe that better men, men more meant for me are out there because I’m done wasting my energy. The saddest part is that I keep thinking.. what if I’m wrong about Tyler? What if its just another one of those honeymoon illusions where I think the guy is great in the beginning and then he ends up “waste my fuckin time?” I dont know. I don’t know if I believe in marriage. I’ve just seen too much divorce. Too much shift in people’s lives and maybe I’m too selfish to work with someone like that. You need to value the relationship SO much to prioritize it and make it work. I want to think that I could end up married to someone who challenges me in the best ways. Who encourages me to be my best self and helps me do so. I run a pretty tight ship. I like to be on my routine. On my game. I don’t like to drink or smoke or do anything that feels unproductive. I think Tyler drinks more than I do. Or I know he does. I dont think I want that to be a big part of my life. I do fitness. I dont have room for a hangover. There is just no space for it. Tyler is so amazing in so many ways but I’m just NOT SURE. and i know i dont have to be. but it sucks not to be because your brain is constantly searching for answers. its like im getting closer and closer to that person. and i love chase. chase is me. chase and i are the same. and like FUCK because he’s just so out there. I feel like my husband is an aubrey marcus type. idk. maybe it is tyler?! i know he cares about being healthy. i just OIJAOSIJDOADJIASOPJD. im so young. when i envision my love life in the future. i see white. i see nothing. i have no expectation. which is good. i think for love thats all i need. wow it took me all of this goo to come to this conclusion. my love life is a blank slate. i dont have any ideals here. Other than our interactions building me up to have more energy rather than sucking my energy away. i dont know about marriage. i dont know about a relationship. i just take that shit day by day because to have this fairytale planned out is just unrealistic. I meet so many men. I love men. I love them. I just dont know if one really fits into my life. like SUPER well. this is just me treading lightly because of what ive been through. i need to accept that this one doesn’t have an answer and move on lol.

2. CAREER/MONEY

All I want is a job that can sustain me without too many frills. I want one that can sustain my basic habits. My grocery bill, car insurance, random nights out with friends. Where I can save up for a flight home. I want to know all aspects of my finance. I want to have it as nailed down as the meal plan I’m going to have. I want to track where everything is going. I want to have it on lock so that when I do go astray I know I have the space for it. Let’s say I spend $2000/month. I want to save for retirement, save for plane tickets to visit ppl, save for trips. I want to look closely at everything I’m doing. So I want a career in fitness that can sustain that. I acknowledge that right now I’m at the bottom of my industry working to gain more experience and that I will move up. Right now is a grind, but I will never stop looking for ways to move up. I will make it. I will make it in 2021 to a high position. I will be running something. I will consolidate. I will begin to HONE IN. To get more specific. I envision myself walking into VASA. I really do. VASA in Willow Creek. I envision the group classes being more popular than ever. I envision everyone in a myzone. I envision helping new instructors. I envision ALL OF IT. I know I would be great at this job. I know that THIS IS THE JOB. I know it. I know it. The energy I’ve already produced there. It’s been incredible and its where i want to grow my career. I know I’m the best person for the job. I’m no longer wish washy. I know I am. I feel ready to take it on. I feel ready at this point in my life. I’m just READY. I want to pull into that parking lot and look at that building and think this is my home. I care about this place. Despite any criticism anyone else has... this is my place. I am determined to make it a success. Chris wont know what hit him. and I think he’s super sweet. He is someone I would want to learn under. This next interview with Lori will be the best interview I’ve ever had because it is something I love and care about so deeply. They will. have no choice but to give me this job.

3. HEALTH/WELLNESS

I am on my way hunny!!!!! This is finally exciting for me to write about haha. I really want to shoutout Chase here. This nutrition plan is giving me LIFE. I can already see myself running those full marathons. LIFTING WEIGHTS. Teaching cycle and yoga and all of the things and absolutely thriving. Following an exact nutrition plan that I have nailed down to the point where I can seasonally switch things out?! ?!!?!? what?! Taking the supplements. Becoming more specific with my goals and absolutely crushing the fitness game. This week has been busy but I’ve been handling it so well because ive been sleeping and eating right! It’s like my classes aren’t overwhelming and I’ve even been working out on my own??? I’ve done some long runs. I’m proud of myself. I know I’m goin places and I’m slowly leaving Mara at the door more and more.

4. HOME

Always CO. I think the only thing I would consider like I’ve always talked about is moving closer to the mountains but nature is such a priority for me. The mountains truly hold a lot for me. They carry things I can’t carry. They hold them for me. I love their energy. I dont want to get too attached because like Ram Dass says if you’re doing your work New York City and a Himalayan cave feel the same. So I just want somewhere cozy to exist. Where I can keep my snacks and get my beauty rest. Somewhere to feel rooted. I feel like I’ve got my roots dug pretty deep here :)

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minglermail · 6 years

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random list about myself on things tht i feel like i could be doing better on....?

- PTSD sucks but u gotta like... tone it down esp around your younger followers 0__0 i had/have a really bad coping mechanism about mcfreaking losing it in front of others in hopes that someone will like scream @ me or tell me to kms Yeah It’s Weird idk how to explain it and frankly i dont need to go into detail

- soudgsfadasd now all of that is making me think about how like Unrestrained Intense Mnetally Ill i could get on here at times especially during my bad psychotic episodes / bad flashbacks [cringes] pom even if ur brain is convinced ppl aren’t actually real u can’t just unload every intense ass thing ur brain is coming up with atm on ur followers to see LOL HGNNGSDK

- i never really have gotten into like The Really Intense Details and never will even tho i think im a pretty open person thts still extreme private information but like even so i already need to tone it down on the stuff ive said oiausdgslkdfm

- BIG ONE... don’t be afraid to like speak up if one of ur friends or just someone u know is doing wild bad shit!! dont feel compelled to keep the peace and just letting ur friends messed up behavior annoy the hell out of you cause when u do end up snapping @ them You Really Snap and its obvs not my fault that theyre pulling Those Kinda Stunts but its not fair to anyone to act like that... (obviously some things r super minor enough where its not worth it but i mean in general / with worse things)

if something is upsetting u to the point where ure talking to other ppl behind their back about it just be forward with the person (as long as its safe to do so ofc) or if u dont have the energy to throw hands just dont think/talk abt them at all unless its asking for advice on how the hell i should address them cause some ppl just arent worth it !!

i personally can’t blame someone for tearing me (or anyone else) a new one if i was doing some Wild Dumb Shit but like... its better to not throw hands if it can be avoided. im not gonna tone police others cause i think thats dumb ppl can be as mad and harsh as they want if its justified but id like to be as calm and polite as possible if i can help it

- if people dont wanna learn then they dont wanna learn ... u can only tell them so much.. it gets to a point where some ppl wont learn at all unless they learn it for themselves And Sometimes U Just Gotta Accept That (im not saying this to say that ure ever obligated to keep in contact with nasty bigoted ppl, im saying this cause i feel like i hve to help everyone all the time ever and then blame myself when i cant)

#pom barks #u can ignore this im just like thinking out loud #putting it here tho cause its a lot of things tht ive been guilty of on here @ one point or another oigualksfjasf #swears 12312 #long post 12//#text heavy 1/23/124

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reflectionsof99 · 5 years

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What do I want?

Im on this journey of awakening & now im at a point to reflect on what do I really want? specifically... so i decided to make a list .. - I want to be so deeply, madly in love with myself.. in a healthy way that allows me to thrive, appreciate more, tolerate less and truly improve my quality of life. I deserve it, after so long of looking to make a love out of someone I want to realize that my truest oldest friend & most legitimate soul mate it myself. & I dont have to feel lonely anymore if im simply focusing on the things I enjoy. being in a better space to give & recieve . - I want to stop resisting, & instead trust, life & my intuition. In these past few days im so greatful for all the information im finally understanding one thing being how alot of the stress in my life is from resistance & from trying to control things around me. Also resisting my intuituion id like to stop doing that. When I hear about the things im letting go it feels as a loss & I havent really been understanding what im gaining. But im so tired of carrying fear or waiting for changes to occur, there are some things that i really dont want to let go off, but i am go greatful for the paitence & perspective througout this entire process. - I want to slow down & truly be present for each moment & being aware of the energy i bring to a situation. Ive been treating life like a checklist & feeling as tho once I accomplish a,b,c then iĺl be able to fully engage or finally feel the bliss, freedom & happiness. But i choose to bring those things instead & then allow the rest to come. - I want to be creative! I have so many ideas & instead i want to align with the creating & manifesting. When ive been so shut down emotionally I realized how this has affected my sacral chakra, keeping me away from my creativety & sexuality as well. I wanna rebuild that as well as rebuilding my confidence. In high school my senior year I did alot of art classes because I liked the freedom of expression. Art teaches me alot about myself & about my level of paitence. I really would like to specialize in painting (photorealism), freelance photography & even some video recording & editing. These things make me feel alive !! & I´d like to give myself a genuine space to explore it. - I want to have fucking fun!! These past few years ive allowed my depression & adverse feelings to push me to far away from everything i loved including myself. my blog has been one of my closest means of self expression & a creative outlet. but now i miss having friends & fun!! I am being able to just take it easy, I enjoy feeling comfortable in my own skin & vibing out with new people. I miss being with people i feel relatable with , or having girl friends that hype me up & just having lots of normal girly fun with. I call it sisterhood because its so iportant to a young womens development to have a group of sisters to encourage her & also let her know when she needs to check her self. - I want my tribe to inspire me! When i look at my tribe i wanna feel as tho they accept me & vice versa. Like its alot to learn from them in some aspect & as tho we can all love eachother unconditionally. -I want to validate myself!! With my lack of self love its had been around looking for validation I didnt even realize. Being vulnerable in the wrong ways & putting myself in uncomfortable situations simply for the validation that I matter and for all the self love that was missing. Well now I want to validate myself & go after what I want. Because I cant expect people to want my dreams more than I do. I cante xpect people to do things with me. & when i want people to keep reassuring me things are okay that from a place of fear & im releasing that fear now. - I want to be confident! I mean.. I feel pretty confident. But it goes deeper than that. I wanna feel confident in my appearance & in every single choice I make. Confident in my different & confident in my ability to be alone or handle responsibilities. I am ready to embrace confidence fully. -I want discipline in the means of meditation & exercise. like responsibilities ive been avoiding i intend to truly see the benifits & prioritize them rather than resist or belittle. I feel these things will go a long way in my life & id like to see! - I want my car, my phone & my eyebrows & toes done!!! I group these together because when I think of them they make me feel like an independent adult women. sometimes the fact that I dont have these things makes me feel like im not where i want to be so i want this to motivate me. Like I feel like iv been so dependent on others & the car & phone is truly a means of freedom & indpendence. & when i get my eyebrows & feet done it makes me feel confident & feminine & I could use alot more of that. - Hitting the thousands doing what i love. this past year ive been thinking of & trying to do so much of something that I havnt compleated much of anything. I want to do what my soul really calls me to do & be able to provide myself the lifestyle where I have freedom to the highest degree. Id like to be able to afford the healthy foods or even land to start my own garden & the car & insurance to visit my family at my own accord & to go out when i want & to travel & even just take a personal day when needed. its truly my dream to be my own boss & i know its possible! Im just interesed in seeing how these thousands & millions will manifest for me. I ask for help from the universe in doing so as i release my limiting financial beliefs & embrance my abundance. - I want to eat more vegan food, I want to feel good more often, I want to have alot of fun new experiences & be around people who enjoy doing simmilar things as me, I want to create & be the next big thing rather than wait for it & I wanna be paitent without getting my feelings involved when nessecary, I wanna embrace the wonders of life & self love to make up for all the years that was no where to be found. & deep deep down I want to be so inlove... but now with myself. - I want to go to the beach, feel the sand i my toes, people watch, charge up in the beautiful water. admire the metaphor for existance that a beach is - i want to write poetry that flows, is genuine & vibes like i need it to & that others can relate to & enjoy that intruiges the deepest parts of people everywhere - i want to visit & potentially build an earthship & bus to home coversion - i want to travel america with a lover in my bus conversion - i want to experience the epitomy of freedom & compassion - i want to do psychedelics when im ready - i want my sex drive back. I litterally dont have one right now but im sure once I do it could make things a whole lot more interesting & fun. i feel shame & guilt clouding my sexuality & I wanna purify that out of me. & have truly spiritual next level sexual experiences when the time comes. - i wanna release guilt in general. about things I cant change or about my truth. - i wanna honor & understand my connection to nature & do everything I can to protect her. - i want to travel to all these awesome places to experience other cultures, learn different languages , eat ao many amazing food & ulitmatley respect this entire creation in its entirety & ultimatley meet alot of people & have alot of experiences that make this whole thing worthwhile! & really appreciate all the different fascests of nature. I wanna go to costa rica, & egypt & the vadican to witness some of the wonders theyve stolen & france & africa & south america & just all over really. I wanna have something to offer & something to learn as I go. - I wanna go home to my heaven inside. Its calling me. & I know when I return things will be made right. - more means of experssion like enaging in my cosplay instagram ! & hopefully getting lots of followers maybe even money & also starting my youtube channel I am not always sure the details & im trying to be as specific as possible to these things can manifest but imma just be paitent & I hope this helps me & the universe & all my spirit guides & higher self in the long run. / I am sooo greatful!!! I intend to have a relaxing day full for minfulness & self assurance & just doing whatever I want to do... / Love & light

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gooodmorninsunshine · 3 years

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Part V: Lets talk about SSS: Our Senses and the Importance of SilenceHey Empaths: “Feelin so fresh right now we should call ourselves the ziploc gang”

Hey Heyyy lovely amazing humans,

Were gonna keep it lighter today, a bit of a controversial day out here and in that regard ive relaxed a little bit here in my writing and getting pretty darn comfortable with this flow "exxxcuse me flow" D & D reference.

You’re gonna get to know me a little more about my real authentic true self, this writing is who I really am.

Growing up in a broken system has opened my eyes, yes all three of them, if for those of you that are my peeps you’ll understand that reference.

Also you're gonna see more Dumb and Dumber quotes and probably a Buttt Ton of Will Ferell.

I tend to write how I talk.

But for this instance i wont let letters draggg on as much, but hey you know if you text me and your one of me peeps I always exaggerate letters because its just the way I speak, very enthusiastically.

I also notice when my brain is in a flow I type quickly and for some reason smell checking it just a pet peeve for me so yes this may be riddled with some spelling errors. Did ya notice the word smell instead of spell? I really have always disliked going back and re reading my work. The essays my teachers would give back to me were practically all underlined in red and read ‘ use a dictionary next time’

***but also keep in mind when you do notice a spelling error, notice your brain during this. Your brain picks up on mistakes quickly instead of understanding the sentence itself.

Wasn't there a math trick that showed this?

1+1=3

4+1=5

3+1=4

Did your brain do it? Automatically went to the wrong math equation, instead of noticing the other 2 correct ones. We're not perfect human beings, so lets not be to critical of others and ourselves and try not to notice the mistakes and instead take in the things that resonate with you, try to retrain the mind to accept this and dive in***

****Big Thank You to all the empaths out there! Thank you for keeping this flow going for me, you know who you are and none of this writing would have been possible without you, thanks for helping me find me and my comfort zone, Hallelujah!***

Lets all Shhhhhh for a moment,

Were gonna go mute and talk about the importance of our other senses

We are so much more than just words

We all learn our behaviour from somewhere and this begins at a very young age

Before we learn to speak, our mind is being conditioned

We are very observant creatures, especially at a young age when we are muted we tend to pick up more on the reactions and responses of others while watching their movements and mannerisms.

When we are muted our other senses are heightened and smell and taste become much more apparent.

When were not able to verbally communicate yet, or ever for some, we naturally rely on our other senses to help us navigate through life.

Communication and connection through our senses is pretty powerful stuff and can create alot of insight about ourselves. And Hey aren't we all just trying to figure out who we really are?

our body talks to us all day long such as

Ive got an itch on my nose so my hand scratches it or ouch I stubbed my toe, which recently happened to both chic and mom within a few days of each other.

Our body is constantly communicating with itself and most of this happens unconsciously.

Our brain thinks about something and our body just does it. Obviously theres more science to it than that but hey lets stay light today and honestly i dont feel like trying to learn all the terminology. Sometimes the details complicate things, lets keep it simple

Unconscious communication is more prevalent when you consider muscle memory.

Do you ever unconsciously reach for something and its not there? And afterward realizing its not there you process this.

This usually happens when i go to brush my teeth, I open the drawer grab it without even looking down.

Our body recalls specific motions and patterns that we do more regularly and saves this information.

This can be gooood and also bad.

I am right now trying to become more aware of these patterns such as putting on the kettle without even asking myself do i really want a tea right now?

Its important for us to stop and think about the movements were actually making and why.

Unconscious communication through muscle memory can also be a good thing such as typing on this keyboard right now.

This type of communication with the body can enhance our lives more efficiently but that doesnt necessarily mean its more effective.

Multi tasking is a great skill yes yes and includes alot of muscle memory especially in a work place setting. However weve got to consider how well are we actually doing each task.

Were kind of half assing all the tasks instead of doing an exceptional job dedicated to one task only.

Because we live in a 'consumer convenience' era, multi tasking is expected at every job and if you cant keep up well hey they'll find someone who will. Places of employment no longer value the same skills they once used to, but lets leave that stuff for another day.

So were always chit chattin to our bodies, whether we realize it or not and vise versa

Our bodies are always communicating with us, we just gotta pay more attention sometimes. I am guilty of this in this moment as my lower back aches a bit from sitting and writing and i should go do a quick stretch.

Connecting with our body and my senses has given me alot of insight Its important for me to remember how essential my other senses are

Yes words are powerful and beautiful and conveying, however lets dive into our other awesome gifts first

Stop! in the namee of LOVE and smell the roses: SMELL

Smell is something we really do take for granted now a days

We forget to smell fresh flowers and fresh berries

Smell the air around us and the changes it has on your body when it blows

Smell that beautiful ocean breeze and notice the small of the Sulphur, the marine life and sometimes sure it can be a wee bit stinky on the shoreline

But our ability to smell is really quite unique and special and affects us all differently. Strong perfumes personally give me and many other people a headache.

We are all so beautifully different and lets embrace it all.

Animals of course have a much more heightened sense of smell

Animals without the capability to speak rely solely on their senses

A bear can smell meat 5 miles away, cmon now 5 miles, that’s honestly wild to try and comprehend.

5 miles is over 8000 m and if you remember running the 100 M dash in gym class well that’s a great distance to go.

Its recommended when your hiking long distance trails not to pack meat, especially near the end of the berry season. When you are hiking you will see 'bear box or caches' in some camping areas, this is obviously to cover the scent.

***But cmon who loves Will Ferell? I definitely do! Anchorman classic "the bears can smell the menstruation" funny joke for sure, except its not really a joke.

Ive spoke to a few hikers who backpack and said this is actually real and bears can smell blood from 5 miles away. I have legitimately been told not to go hiking when i am on my cycle. I have also spoken to a few people who have said nahh thats not true so honestly who knows, but Im not signing up for that experiment regardless.

Have you ever smelt a specific flower or perfume or pool water or gasoline, or obviously theres over 1000 plus infinity smells. Have you ever smelt something recently and it reminded you of a previous time in your life? Sometimes smell can take you back to past memories and things that you forgot about, sometime a scent can transcend us back to that very moment. I have experienced this among many many others. When we are open and relaxed this is much more abundant.

Who doesn't love to go outside after it rains, or even better during it and dance to a little John Melloncamp with the fam jam, that ones for you dad!

The ground and the air sure smells extra fresh after a good rainstorm, the earth's natural cleanser.

Who else lovesssss water, in all of its varying and uniquely different forms, and temperatures.

Probablyyyy most of us as it’s essential for our survival.

Who loves a nice cold shower? Always good to do for a nice body reset and actually recommended by some more wise individuals.

Have you ever noticed how good you feel after a dip in the lake?

Are there any other mermaids out there? Or anybody with alot of water in their charts? Swimming for some of us is one of the most incredible sensations. Floating and flippin around in the waves is really freeeing for the body and the mind.

Campfires

Im not sure if your the same as my awesome little hippie family but we love this smell, and the smell of a campfire puts us all into an instant relax chill mode.

* Also if you want to get even weirder like us, leave your campfire scented sweater for when you wake up in the morning and youll automatically be in a relaxed mood. And i know its not just my and my fam who does this cause ive met a few of you that find great comfort in this as well.

Nature and its elements are so calming eh. Scents both knowing or not can dictate our moods and reactions

Scents remind us of our memories and they remind us of what we do and do not enjoy

Most people dislike the smell of cigarettes, for some its a memory association response and for some they have hold onto some judgements about it.

Have you ever walked by a group of people who dont have access to a washing machine and thought 'eww gross?'

Sometimes our mind associates scents negatively and unknowingly we allow it to dictate our reactions or opinions.

Whatever people are wearing or smellin like you can still give them a smile, be sure to take your mask off so they can seeee and feeel your enthusiastic energy.

Smiles go a long long long way for people and when you smile at something that typically your judgmental about, your showing your brain whose BOSS, your teaching it to change your reactions and stop meaningless and inauthentic opinions by doing so.

Everyones got a favourite scent, i wonder what yours is and why? What does it remind you of? What scents trigger you in a negative way and why? Smell is much more prevalent when we are calm and relaxed

Mmmm food, keepin our bellies happy keeps us happy : TASTE

Our amazingly sophisticated taste buds and their ability to decipher from each other and every flavour we put into our mouths. And thank you universe and mother earth for such variety. Our taste buds change over time which ive always found of kind of interesting, they sort of mature with age alongside ourselves

***If my dad was here today he would be telliing you all about this.

"your tastebuds are gonna change one day guys' and my sisters and I would obviously disagree as children tend to do with their parents when their trying to avoid their vegetables.

As I child I would always get a ham, cheese and mayo sub.

And I do mean ALWAYS, for about a decade that never changed

And my dad would often recommend i put some veggies on there, I must say i felt fairly strongly about my dislike of veggies growing up, I typically went for the meat and cheese, chic for the potatoes and my older sis would go for the veggies, she knew the importance of eating well at a very young age.

Our dad was pretty darn accommodating when it came to this tho because of course it wasn't just me, chic was the same and well we know were stronger in groups right? So my dad eventually gave up and he started to make his famous chicken alfredo in two batches. He would make his and the lovely amazing human he was with at this time. He would make theirs with peppers, onions and mushrooms.

I am almost drooling and i havent finished the sentence yet, which reminds me of ***Parlov's Dog experiment* This references how powerful our nervous system is in connection to our body and includes how impactful our memory can be.

He would make theirs, and a separate one for chic and I with only the Alfredo and chicken. But hey we loved it and ate it every time so he stopped fighting us and just reminded us in a very funny manner, just wait till your taste buds change one day guys, and we would laugh at this ridiculously absurd possibility. Annnnd thann!

Luckily my dad was still around to see this development actually happen We would tell him about all the veggies we put in our food now a days and all the new veggies weve learned about, and he was in shock when he learned i dont even eat meat anymore and actually follow more of a plant based diet. He had the biggest smile on his face, ' seeeee i told you guys' he would say.

We sometimes take this sense for granted, shoveling food into our mouths at such a fast pace because we only have an hour lunch break at work.

Do you know its recommended to chew food, 27 or 28 times? Can't recall that i learned it recently, but that recommendation dates back to an ancient Indian philosophy telling us to slow down when we are eating, its better for our digestion as well.

Did you know how long it actually takes for a home cooked meal to be ready? forrrrrrrever it feels like sometimes.

My family could tell you more about this one specifically as they make bigger meals for their own families now.

Lasagna or shepards pie is coming to mind right now, mom and chic make the best dishes! This process requires time and is well worth it afterwards, a nice home cooked meal for the family. Meat or no meat whatever your into.

Its nice to sit down together and appreciate good conversation and home cooked meals, your own little community gathering.

Families still do this yes, its just not as common, for very understandable reasons, no one has any of their OWN time anymore.

Both parents are now expected to work to survive, our new age, obviously this beautiful tradition is much harder to consistently continue and gradually fades away.

Conveniently during this we saw a massive rise in technology resulting in overstimulation in children and less availability for social skills to develop. A family sitting down together over dinner and chattin about their day is really quite a sacred tradition to cherish.

Naturally with our chaotic world we forget the importance this could have on us and our healthy developments.

Its funny cause as kids we always found this so annoying and couldn't wait to leave the dinner table to get back outside, completely unaware the length of time it takes to cook a meal. As an adult I find I really cherish the times i am able to get back and over to my moms kickass backyard and hang with my family over a beautiful meal. And you know if youve ever come to momma bears house just how smoothly this whole operation goes.

***Momma Bears backyard shenanigan's... Hey Farvo! Whats the place we used to go to all the time? Super trooper reference, another classsic***

Chics preppin the veggies, shes got all her spices going, moms gettin the BBQ lit and they debate whose gonna cook. As i am typing this im realizing i haven't been pulling my weight as much as i could be, gosh i am so spoiled! Real families making real food today is a process and its quite a beautiful one. The preparation involved as a team is very bonding. So sit down and enjoy it afterwards and try and give your fam jam your full attention, you might notice a difference emotionally.

***One trick my nana tried to teach me was to put my knife and fork down between bites in order to train myself to slow down while enjoying a meal.

Sometimes in this chaotic world, not crazy world because that term is used very loosely now and we throw it around, again I face this challenge many many times because as an empath I see, feel and observe from a different perspective.

And many many many of you are exactly the same, obviously perceiving things all differently but you get what i mean, we've all got this in us.

We all have the ability to quickly view both sides of a circumstance if we are able to be open and calm. If your different its time to embrace it!

Being different is wayyyy cooler and more fun when you find your peeps obviously, and this is really starting to happen for me. When you find your community that you vibe with, wow magical things can happen.

Sometimes in our chaotic consumer driven era we do not have the time to enjoy a meal, we simply need the energy to fuel us for the rest of the day. It doesn't have to be this way, slow down, stop working overtime and keep our guts happy, remember its considered to be our second brain.

What we ingest is very important for our emotional and physical development. Its important to know what food we are ingesting and whether it benefits your body or not. Most of us don't even look at labels anymore, we buy it from the store and trust that its safe, and yes this includes me, who has time to read all those ingredients right? And google all those long complicated words.

Our senses have incredible capabilities and i have definitely taken them for granted. We beat our body constantly by eating process foods and smelling and using toxic products. I am very guilty of this as I really did not pay attention nor care about what i ate and drank in previous years.

This was also related to some underlying issues so it was important for me to WAKE UP and deal with my shit in order to start caring about what I was putting into my body.

***Our body is our temple, our soul dictates how it is treated***

**See RAT PARK experiment: We are a by product of our environment and this does affect our senses and the connections to our body***

Do you live in a city?

I do and i am definitely breathing in more pollution than someone whose livin their best air life up north in the woods.

Do you live beside a farm? The soil, the grass and the air can influence your body emotionally and physically. The methane from all the cows poooop is something people are looking into more seriously, among other reasons.

Do you live by a nuclear plant or garbage and recycling centre?

Do you notice a difference emotionally and physically when you are out walking in the woods, old growth forests all around? You're finally getting clean oxygen and this is essential for our healthy development. Of course we must consider the hike itself, walking in nature and getting healthy exercise. Stuff like this is a big factor and can improve your development emotionally and physically. But have you ever noticed how great you feel afterwards?

*Nature is magic, nature is healing and nature is our medicine***

Come and knock on our door, weve been waiting for you! :SOUND

Most of us are born with the ability to hear and now a days tech is so fancy they are able to help individuals who have trouble with this. Those who do not have this sense means their other senses are naturally heightened which is pretty incredible as well when we consider this. Our body is incredible and decides hey were sorry you cant hear, our bad, lets kick up all your other senses in return.

Something I experience from an old knee injury is some back issues because my body has been overcompensating on the one side for so long. Pretty neat to think that even when were hurtin our body is able to support us

Our ability to hear sounds still boggles me because new sounds and patterns just keep on coming around,this will never end, limitless creative possibilities

We just gotta stay focused enough to create.

Infinite possibilities, never stop creating! We can make music, play instruments, become a dj like my super cool cuz, for real check him out, what do they say now a days? hes dopppppe!

WE can shuffle our feet around, whistle and clap our hands.

Sounds can gesture signs of appreciation and can also indicate signs of warning.

Have you ever been walking downtown and faintly hear the sound of someone screaming and it scares you? Whats your reaction to this very moment? Do you flee to help them? Are you automatically scared? Do you freeze? Its important to start to notice our responses, in these particular situations. We believe we have no control over our reactions, but we do and we can change them.

Have you ever noticed when you work with the same people you begin to listen to their foot patterns and can figure out whose coming

That may sound extreme to some but let me tell ya everybody moves their feet differently and if you and if you work with someone enough youll start to notice this pattern and even know whose coming in the room before our sight registers it.

Sound allows us to decipher between a saxophone and drums, among many many other instruments. Sounds picks up unconsciously on different frequencies and their levels affect us more than we realize. There is a really neat deep sleep app i use and because the frequency is different it helps you fall asleep faster and into a more REM cycle, something about delta waves?

Our ability to hear allows us to become musicians and singers like wonderful MS, she sung in the kitchen when we were making food together in costa rica and it was so very enchanting. Have you ever just heard someone's voice and sort of fall into a bit of a meditative state? MS has the ability to do this! and naturally other people felt safe enough to join in allowing themselves to open up further. We are connected and help eachother on this wild ride of life.

Embrace our beautiful gifts and keep on roaring!

We can recreate ourselves, or how I like to see it, we return to our true self without all of the systems conditioning. We can free our minds!

We can choose a song we want to listen to next and make a playlist, this is all apart of creation! *Also please share your awesome playlists with me, I would love to hear them***

Have you ever noticed how your mood can shift when 'your jam' comes on, instantly lifts your mood, a game changer we say. Sound gives your body the ability to overrride your emotional thought process.

Whatever your thinking about changes in an instant. An example of this is when someone honks their horn, and thanks sis for talking about the mustang today. But lets play this scenario out, your driving, your cruising, your jamming to your fav song on the radio, windows down, life is grand. Than BAM someone honks a horn and suddenly everything changes.

Or what about when your walking downtown and you consistently hear the sound of sirens, dont you think psychologically this could affect someone deeply, more deeply than others due to underlying trauma. Maybe someone whose gone through this hears the sound of an ambulance or police car and it instantly reminds them of traumatic event, causing them to react differently, causing them to react from their flight or flight nervous system.

Maybe some people do not trust authority because they have never been shown the same level of respect in the system.

Or what about someone who has experience a fire? and they hear the sound of a firetruck and well surely that sound could activate their fight or flight system.

Or what about the sounds of the birds in the morning?

Birds are also very powerful and unique creatures and for fun sometimes i like to watch them in the morning fly around chasing each other, animals still play! Humans still play!

You could be walking to work in a rush because time is a constructed illusion and your body knows this, but regardless you're stressed out and racing to work. Suddenly you hear the birds, and if you can take a second or longer, this really can calm you down. Animals make the coolest noises, elephants, monkeys, dolphins, all communicate non verbally and effectively because guess what they're still huntin and sleepin as a team. Watch some planet earth and see how they unite non verbally, its pretty powerful.

Animals have incredible capabilities and utilize all their other sense for their survival. Humans also have incredibly heightened senses, truly a gift that we forget to embrace sometimes because were so busy in our go go consumer convenient society.

Eye spy with my little Eye :SIGHT

How long has it been since you played that? Hang out with some of your nieces and start playing again. Bring back your inner child because honestly having fun and being silly is what life is all about.

Our eyes, have you ever stopped to think about how amazing this actually is. We can see for miles, some not as far as others even further. Weve all got different colors and capabilities. And if this is lacking well our world is pretty advanced so they can hook ya up with some pretty great eyewear these days, or even now laser surgery can correct this. Dang eh thats cool, the gift of vision is now readily available!

We can see colours, we can see rainbows, different shades etc

*or are colours just a projection of our reality?*** Oh la la heavy subject definitely wont dive into that one anytime soon*

Our sight allows us to see mountains and oceans, we can go from city to city, continent to continent and see varying landscapes and architectures.

Have you ever thought of your ideal travel destinations?

Where would you want to go and why?

What are you curious about these days?

Our eyes distinguish the difference between yellow and orange, and for some they see all brown and dont know theyre actually wearing purple. I couldn’t imagine being colour blind I think that would be really challenging. But I guess if your born that way you don’t really learn any different right so your other senses adjust accordingly.

Our eyes have the ability to adjust to the light around us, and this is important when you want to get out at night and just stare above. The stars the moon the planets, its all connected to us down here on earth.

Take a moment to see if you can feel this, try to get out on the next meteor shower, or even just look up more often at night if you can, its so elegant and beautifully complex up there.

Astrology we will definitely have to get into in another chapter, but for fun if you can find out what time you were born, where and when, check out your birth chart. Not everyone believes in this which is all good. I do however believe that we come from the universe above. I like to believe that the stars, the planets, how everything is lined up when you were born is kind of like your soul DNA code.

For fun look up your birth chart and see if you learn anything new about yourself? 36 pages of free info all about you! Some may not resonate of course but its pretty insightful to figure out your elements and all THREE of your signs

*Take a few minutes and enjoy your senses*** This is called a grounding technique and is very effective. If your feelin a lot of knots in your stomach than take a moment, slow down, notice your surroundings and focus on your senses.

What are you smelling?

Do you need to put deodorant on? And those of you that know me understand why I ask this speiific question.

I like to use something without aluminum in it because I learned that sweating is very natural and its not really that healthy to be clogging up our pores.

Our bodies need to sweat out the toxins and its trying to get it out.

I tend to use a natural odorizer and it takes away the smell but the moisture still get outs. Or honestly a little trick i taught the community that I have done before is baking soda, cheap and very effective, sprinkle a little on and your ready to go on that tinder or bumble or whatever more dating apps they got now a days.

and yes I to have tried them before but in doing so I have learned that I am not as social as I thought and thats okay. Hangin quietly with someone on a deeper level and talkin about real shit is what excites me. Aristotle theories vs Plato, Where did we all come from? and Of course watching Cosmos from our genious buddy Neil Degrassi Tyson. I cherish real and authentic conversations with people. Enough with the superficial blah blah ya know, Substance and Value in conversations helps me comprehend information quicker. and right now I wannnna learn more and more and I find when you converse with others on the same level your mind expands.

What are you smelling?

What are you hearing?

Is the dishwasher going?

Is the water dripping from the tap?

Is the toilet running? And if so make sure you tell your landlord cause that shit costs alot of extra money for them, sorry momma bear for your last tenant but thank you for this valuable life lesson!

Do you taste anything? is your mouth dry? Do you still taste the kale smoothie you just had? Mix it with some other flavors yum yum!

What are you hearing?

I don't live as close to downtown anymore thankfully so i don't hear the sirens as much when im at home trying to relax. i honestly never realized how much they affected me until i moved elsewhere. The loud noises, the abrupt sounds, and the constant reminder that someone somewhere else is suffering in this very moment, kind of pulls on your heart strings a little right?

We are obviously dealing with a very serious Opioid crisis right now and the sirens are non stop here. It brings me a bit of sadness. I like to have a quick prayer for whoever they are attending to and hope they make it. The opioid crisis is even more amplified and Ive gotta carry two kits of Naloxone at work instead of one. But thats also a topic for another day.

ohhhh i got the feeeelin' : TOUCH

And lastly are amazing gift, the sensation of touch and feel.

This one is heckaaa important as well.

We get to feel all sorts of different textures when were in kindergarten class, remember that board with all the different felts and such on it?

Thank you universe for our opposable thumbs.

Humans get to run sand through their fingers, feel the water wash over them and walk barefoot in the woods

***also important to look up, actually forget looking it up just go and dooooo it!

There are a lot of benefits to walking barefoot in the woods or somewhere clean and safe in nature.

Reflexology is super fascinating and essentially all of your organs can be traced back to the bottom of your feet. Its important to walk around with no shoes on as often as you can when your outside somewhere you feel safe. Feel the grass under your toes, dip your feet into the cold ocean and walk on rocks for fun. Honestly after a while your feet are so strong and they toughen up.

*** sista lovin right here***

Chic and I used to RUN barefoot across the rocks at the trailer, honestly we would sprint to see who could get to the beach the fastest. Not like it mattered tho mom and dad always made us wait...they would take their sweeeet time laaaa deee daaa, you know how parents tend to do that as their in relax mode. But this didnt change anything for us, everytime we would still run and run and run to see who could get there first. ya know that good ol competitive sibling nature. Theyd give us the nod when they got close enough and we jumped in that water as quickly as we could. We would swim to the other side of the river and whoevers cottage it was, but he had a dock. We had to be pretty sneaky cause sometimes he would come down and yell at us.

Little did he know, we knew the patterns of the rocks to climb up his place, and obviously we would just start diving and diving some more.

We’d be practicing our flips and shouting ‘hey watch this one” you know how kids always tend to do cause their so excited to show off their cool new moves!

The feel of the rocks, the grass, than the sand, and the water, it’s a pretty beautiful gift we have to experience all these sensations in only a few minutes.

Remember how good it used to feel running for no reason?

Like pheobe on friends?

just running with no care in the world, now thats authentic livin.

Its actually healthy for our development and fluid functioning for us to blow off some steam, for everyone, get that natural adrenaline out every so often, punch a bag or go for a run, whatever works for you, its your body and you know better than anyone else what outlets work for you.

Touch, well we all know where this sense can lead us...lets talk about sex baby,

but actually no thats a whole nother topic for a different day.

More importantly sex wasnt meant for what some of us think. Sex is actually something very special and sacred. And for women we are allowing a mans energy into our body and we need to be aware that this is actually a big deal. Sex is not meant to be expolited like it is advertised today.

Women we gotta protect our energy at times. **Thank you MS for this amazing insight, you're wonderful and keep on singing girl!*** and men with other men should really consider this to.

When another person enters your energy field it can shift you unconsciously emotionally and physically.

Touch can be non sexual and yet still intimate. An ancient Indian tradition is to rub sesame oil over your body and massage your limbs one by one, start to investigate your own body intimately and im not talking about in a sexual manner so get your mind outta the gutter because thats where it tends to go when this conversation is mentioned. Massage your feet, rub your arms, feel your skin, this is all part of you and your skin has a ton of nerves attached that want a little love and nourishment sometimes.

Notice if you go over a body part like your arm or nose or whatever it is for ya, are you judging yourself?

These are only your OWN judgements and those thoughts really dont belong in your mind anyways. **You are amazing! Re train your mind to stop judging yourself* Take it easy and remember you’re doin the best you can. Honestly it works! Keep telling yourself how much you love you! *** also important to do your shadow work, you can’t have fake positivity floating around all the time, eventually you’ve gotta look deeper, this is how to reach true happiness. Investigate the dark in order to get to the light***

*If ya wanna try for fun one night cut up some onions, grab a pair of tight socks, put it all together and go to sleep.

You’d be amazed at the amount of toxins that come out of your body at night when doing this. Because hey our feet are attached to all the others parts of our body to.

You can also touch others intimately and again not in a sexual manner.

Give someone else a massage, honestly it will make their day because touch is sacred and special. Notice how good you feel after a massage, and how relaxed you feel.

Take some time to slow down and feel your body, explore it and get comfortable with, Its important to cherish it and treat our body respectfully. It is our body and we deserve to to love it, every bit of it. This is something I am still working on but it is really helping allowing me to just be more free, dance around like ya just dont care, put your hands together for a nice little prayer, explore your limbs and how they move differently.

We have this notion that touch is only meant to be used in a sexual manner and this really is not the case.

Massage your feet, they will appreciate it.

Our bodies are all uniquely beautiful and our soul thrives off this connection, feeling safe and comfortable with yourself and others

Our bodies are incredible eh! And i havent even gotten into the actually anatomy of it.

PSYCH! i will not be doing that, i commend all of you who know each and every bone and muscle etc, thats actually super important information to educate ourselves on, but whose got the time unless thats your main study.

Our senses are very influential on us.

Our senses actually have the ability to snap us out of our thinking process, and lets face it, sometimes we all need that

***remember your emotions are the clouds in the sky, and they come, they go, they pass, but its the blue sky underneath, that's who you REALLY are***

Our senses restore memories, memories that we honestly didnt know we would ever recall, and this experience can bring you right back into that moment, good or bad, so its important to try and learn our triggers. Lets all get a little proactive with our emotional health and get ahead of it, when you start telling your body whose the boss, your soul returns back to its true nature.

**also did we ever find out who was the boss? Angela or tony? is that debate still going on?***

I remember having a fresh blackberry from this garden place up the road, and honestly it was theeeee besst ever.

It took me right back to the first moment i had ever tried one that was fresh off the tree. I instantly was brought back to my friends cottage that sat on the lake, the bunkee that all the kids would sleep in and the layout of the landscape. In an instant it all came back, it was very profound.

**also gotta add, "feelin so fresh right now we should call ourselves the Fabreeze sisters" There he is again, ferell, except im changing the brothers to sisters because thats the bond i relate to the most.***

All of our senses can connect us to something deeper

All of our senses impact us much more than we give them credit for

I recommend attending a silent retreat and through the week notice how your senses heighten when you are muted. There is no room for people pleasing, fake smiles or inauthentic conversations, this is time just for you. and i highly to recommend trying this experience. You will most likely notice your surroundings much more, and this time allows you to appreciate the smaller things

. ***Costa Rica, Howler monkeys every where yes yes super cool!

but whats also interesting is how much more the entire community noticed them when we were silent.

We all stopped and watched them, silently. We noticed their patterns more and also how they grab the mangos, they eat a few bites that are ripe and than they drop the rest on the ground, so loook out from ABOVE!***

TBC: to much content for one day!

Everybody Love Everybody

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