#let's be real the second kyle took off that mask and was a*d*am d in tfa i was never going to take him seriously or care | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pastelwitchling · 4 years

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Michael tapped a finger against his file, glancing at Alex every so often, but the airman seemed preoccupied with his own work. Always busy, always looking ahead, always focused.

Except this time, he wasn’t really. And Michael knew only because of what he’d seen earlier that day.

He’d come to the hospital where Kyle worked to ask if there were any new developments on the research on Noah’s body, and as he passed a hall, he saw someone he had never expected to find in this cold, draining place; Alex Manes.

Michael came to an abrupt stop as Alex came out of a room, closing the door behind him.

“Private?” Michael had muttered and took one step towards him, wondering what the airman could be doing in a hospital, who he could be visiting, when Alex nearly stumbled and fell onto a chair with a wince.

Michael had stopped, his eyes widening as Alex’s angry scowl (he seemed to always frown nowadays) turned more miserable than anything else, and his eyes filled with tears.

The circles around Alex’s eyes were dark, he looked thinner than usual, as if he hadn’t eaten – had he always looked like that? Michael wondered – and as he hugged himself with one arm, his other hand coming up to hide his eyes, Michael realized Alex was crying.

He had wanted to run to him, to put his arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay, as he had done with Maria and Isobel, but… this was Alex. Alex didn’t cry, Alex didn’t lose control, Alex never let anyone who he cared about know he was upset. Then Michael had remembered that Alex didn’t know he was there, and he moved back, keeping hidden behind the corner.

Alex had soon regained his composure, wiping his face roughly with his hands and slumping back in his seat, thoroughly exhausted. Michael had watched him until he’d gotten up.

He had expected Kyle to come into the bunker with some excuse as to why Alex couldn’t be there. But no, the airman had walked in as he always did, facing ahead. He sat down working as if he hadn’t been crying hours before, as if he hadn’t nearly collapsed outside a hospital room that Michael only now remembered he’d never asked about.

“Hey,” Michael said so softly at the same time Alex had closed yet another file that Alex didn’t seem to hear him. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Alex.”

“Hm?” Alex didn’t look at him, his eyes scanning the paper instantly as if he couldn’t and wouldn’t give Michael his full attention, as if afraid it would leave room in his mind for other things.

Michael searched for the right words. Could he tell Alex he’d seen him today at the hospital? In the end, he settled for a shrug, hoping it helped him seem casual. “Just thinking you might wanna call it a day.”

Alex’s hands stilled on the paper, and he looked up at Michael. His eyes were unfocused, twitching to Michael’s right as if he kept seeing something over the cowboy’s shoulder. Had Michael really never noticed that Alex was so tired?

“Am I bothering being here or something? Because I – I thought we were okay.”

“What – no, no, Alex, I,” Michael shook his head. He couldn’t believe Alex was so afraid of his words. Was he really that scared of losing him?

He wanted to reach out and touch Alex, to brush the back of his hand against the airman’s rosy cheek, to reassure him that he always wanted Alex beside him, but he didn’t do any of that stuff. Alex was the only person in the world Michael could keep himself from touching.

“You just – you look a little tired, that’s all.”

Alex searched his face a moment; Michael often thought that when Alex looked at him, he could look into his soul. Then the airman’s frown deepened. “I… so I look bad?”

Michael blinked. “W-what? No! Not – not bad, but –”

“Untidy?” He covered his face with both hands. “I must look so awful.”

“You look great, you always look great!” This was bad. Michael was starting to panic. Since when did Alex act like this, so insecure and embarrassed? It was strange how it made his heart ache. “Alex, you – you’re….”

“Are you hesitating because you can’t think of a nice way to tell me that I look… tired?” his voice cracked. “Or are you just tired of seeing me?”

“No, never, I – Alex, come on, you know I…” Michael’s words trailed off as Alex’s miserable frown tugged at the corners. The bastard was laughing.

Michael sighed. “You son of a bitch.”

Alex burst into laughter, his head falling onto the desk as his shoulders shook, his joy echoing against the dark walls of the bunker where laughter had not been heard in too long a time.

“You were so panicked!” Alex doubled over, his smile wide and tears were streaming down his face. Not the same tears he’d suffered earlier that day. These also came from exhaustion, Michael could tell, but they weren’t as miserable or afraid. “I felt so bad!”

“NOT BAD ENOUGH!” Michael snapped, unable to help the smile at his own lips. “You just let me keep going, Alex!”

Alex’s laugh turned louder, he sounded like he might choke but he didn’t care. “I’m sorry, it was so…” He sat up with a deep groan, wiping the tears from his face. “It was just what I needed.”

“Me flailing like a fish out of water was what you needed?”

“No,” Alex sighed, that beautiful smile still on his face. “I’ve been facing angry masks all day. I didn’t want to see you pretend not to care again.” His smile widened. “I got you to show me something real. That was what I needed.”

Michael’s grin faltered. “You’re so sure I’m always lying to you about how I feel?”

Michael regretted the words as soon as they left his lips if only for the way Alex’s smile dimmed. “I always lie to you. I pretend nothing you do gets to me.”

Michael held his gaze, his heart hammering in his chest now. “Is that why you were crying today? Because something I said got to you?”

Alex didn’t seem surprised that Michael knew. “So it was you I saw leaving.”

“Why were you crying, Alex?”

Alex’s expression faltered – it was only a second, and if Michael didn’t know him as well as he did, he might have missed it. But Michael did know him, so he noticed.

“I don’t know,” he confessed. “I was upset about something, and I… don’t think I should’ve been. And then I was angry for being upset, and –” he broke off, his eyes turning glassy despite the smile. He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat and shook his head, as if ridding himself of the urge to cry again. “I’m okay now.”

Michael did not believe him. He must have looked it, too, because Alex’s expression softened. “You want a tell?”

“A what?”

Alex took a deep breath, as if preparing to confess a long kept secret. “When I’m sad, and I’m really not okay, I’ll keep saying it over and over, even if no one’s asking. It’s because I’m trying to talk myself into feeling better.”

Michael realized he hadn’t responded in a long time, and he tried to speak only to find a lump in his throat. “D-does it work?”

Damn it, he thought. Why was he stuttering? Why was he so nervous?

Alex’s smile was kind, but he didn’t answer. He shrugged. “Now you know my secret. You’ll know when I’m really upset even when I say I’m not. So you see? I really am okay now.”

And Michael understood why he was nervous. Alex was trusting him with this. Even Kyle would have to poke and prod, and he’d never get the real answer. Alex was giving Michael his tell, Michael would be the only one to know the truth. Alex, who hated crying in front of anyone, who tried never to do it no matter the circumstance, who had once cried in front of Michael and stopped long ago.

“I’ll wear my hat low,” Michael said. “And I’ll try to hurt you. Not just anyone, I’ll really try to hurt you, Alex. That’s my tell.”

Alex scoffed and he looked away, his cheeks red. “I already know your tell, stupid. Most of what you say doesn’t get to me.”

They were silent for a long time, then Michael said, “I’m sorry.”

Alex sighed as he returned to his file, his eyes sparkling as he glanced at Michael. “Yeah. Me, too.”

***

I don’t know.

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