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darkpoisonouslove · 3 years

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I am back on my Erendor and Samara bullshit and did the whole list of headcanons for them because my brain made me.

1. Who is the most affectionate?

Erendor. Affection isn’t exactly something either of them has had in plentiful amount in their lives but he’s definitely more used to it and more used to showing it. Samara likes it well enough even if she doesn’t feel very inclined or capable of initiating it.

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

They don’t really spoon. Samara is much too light a sleeper to be all that comfortable with being held while asleep. So Erendor ends up cuddled in her side sometimes but no real spooning. If they did, though, he would totally have to be the little spoon.

3. Most common argument?

Sky is their most common argument topic. Samara feels like Erendor is not being a great father some of the time. She thinks he’s more focused on Sky as the heir to Eraklyon’s throne rather than on Sky as his son. Erendor feels justified in pressuring Sky to do his best. It can become a heated argument that rarely gives satisfying results for either one of them.

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

Having a meal together. They don’t get a lot of time to spend together some days so they enjoy eating together. It gives a sense of coziness and intimacy and also allows them to talk which is something they actually enjoy even if they will have to be pressed very hard to admit it.

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

Erendor. Although it takes him a while to get there. Romance is a bit lost on him in the traditional sense but he sees the light eventually. Samara is shocked, almost to a negative experience, but she is also touched once she manages to process.

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Erendor likes her lips. For all the obvious reasons. But he actually was a little obsessed with reading into her words ever since he met her because he could tell there was more to her and what she was saying and displaying. That may have been transferred to her lips and in a more positive context once he actually started trusting her.

Samara will never admit it but she has a similar fascination with Erendor’s hands. He’s the one person that has been the most careful with her in her whole life and she truly enjoys his touch, even finds it comforting which to her is a big deal and something she needs more time to process.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

They both freak out before taking the time to process while also subtly encouraging more interaction with the other. Samara invites herself over to Erendor’s chamber more often. Erendor finds the time to join her for a swim sometimes which he deemed unnecessarily exhausting before that.

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Nope. No nicknames here. Not even pet names. Not really.

9. Who worries the most?

Samara worries more about Erendor, about his and Sky’s relationship (as well as her own parenting skills) and about her own relationship with Erendor. He does plenty of worrying as well, though. He feels like Samara might be in more danger than he is because she is defenseless and would also be a target if anyone is trying to harm him or the monarchy.

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Erendor. He’ll be in trouble if she feels like he doesn’t care about her so he’s actually become pretty observant when it comes to Samara.

11. Who tops?

Erendor, mostly. He is generally more into it but Samara has had her moments and she totally managed to pry control out of him.

12. Who initiates kisses?

Erendor, most of the time. Samara’s relationship with physical affection is that she can take it or leave it. Having his attention and his care is more important for her but she is not opposed to kissing either, as long as she feels appreciated.

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Samara. That’s the one gesture she actually initiates when she wants to show him she’s physically there with him. It’s also really calming to him (but when she’s the one to initiate it), especially if it’s the middle of the night and he is disoriented in his half asleep state.

14. Who kisses the hardest?

Erendor. Samara can be a little afraid of her own passion and displaying it. Especially in the beginning of their marriage.

15. Who wakes up first?

Samara. She’s like clockwork. She gets up without having to be poked or even told. Erendor is a different story. There’s a lot of grumbling and fuming involved.

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

Erendor. Especially after a late night at a ball or other official event. Those are the times he’s most tempted to say fuck it and just toss away the crown. It feels like it’s not worth it when it leaves him exhausted and for what? The whole world is against him.

17. Who says I love you first?

Erendor. It takes him only about 27-28 years of marriage. Samara is still unsure of how ready she was to hear it. She appreciates it, though, and comes to return the sentiment. Even if it takes several more years.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch?

Not in the lunch, but Erendor might send her a note or a text if he’s too busy to join her for lunch or she has a meeting arranged. It’s never anything all that special or poetic but it lets her know that he’s thinking about her and that almost never fails to make her smile.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

That’s... not exactly how it worked. But Samara’s mother knew before Samara did because Erendor first spoke to her about marrying Samara (it was a bit of an arranged marriage affair).

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Samara’s mother is very content that she managed to get Samara into the royal court and as the queen no less. Erendor’s father does not think much of Samara. But then again he does not think that much of any woman (Samara was very satisfied to put him in his place with Erendor’s full support). Erendor’s mother was actually pretty happy with having Samara as a daughter-in-law once she actually got to know her. She was uncertain about the marriage at first because she thought Samara’s whole family was dangerous but once Samara picked Erendor over them, she relaxed and allowed herself to like her. She hasn’t regretted that just like Erendor hasn’t regretted trusting Samara despite common sense.

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Samara. She is better at dancing and she enjoys it more. Erendor indulges her.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Neither of them can cook. Erendor might be a little better at it, though. He did study in Red Fountain. He has actually seen people cook. Samara’s mother never let her set foot anywhere near a kitchen.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Neither, really. But Samara would actually be more likely to. Erendor is... better at speaking his mind than at thinking about how to make it sound romantic.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Samara does. It’s entertaining to mess with Erendor and watch his reactions. He doesn’t seem to mind nearly as much as he claims to.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Samara. Erendor already got his reassurance when she trusted him more than she did her family. And even though Samara is pretty convinced that he returns her feelings on their relationship, she is still the one plagued with more doubts. Funnily enough, she is not the one going through episodes of unwarranted jealousy, though.

26. What would be their theme song?

Either East of Eden by Zella Day or Bodies by Bryce Fox.

27. Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

Samara. Erendor does not sing. And she is the one who is a lot more concerned with the actual logistics of raising Sky.

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

They have plenty of royal responsibilities to keep them occupied.

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Thanks to a magical illness, Samara doesn’t remember him by the time she dies. Erendor doesn’t even get to say goodbye since the only person she remembers is Sky and they don’t want to confuse and scare her when she won’t recognize Erendor anyway even if they tell her who he is to her.

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

Once Bloom and Sky become rulers of Eraklyon, Erendor and Samara move to one of their estates and live there together with all the time in the world just for the two of them (and occasionally the children and grandchildren).

#winx club #winx erendor #winx samara #erendor x samara #winx headcanons

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madame-coquette · 3 years

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Under the cut: you will find a lengthy, yet concise summary of the historical life and rule of Louis XVI.

*** While this is not a mandatory read - it is interesting and will be referenced in most threads outside of the Modern AU, ( which must be requested to write in. ) Some knowledge may benefit you to know if you don’t have a good base in the history of the french revolution. I may add to this as I gain more sources and insight into the King’s personal life. ***

Name: Louis Auguste de France

Other Names: Louis XVI || Citizen Louis Capet ( Before Execution )

Titles: Duc de Berry ( Given at birth ) || Dauphin ( After his father died ) || King of France ( After his grandfather died )

Birthday: 23rd of August 1754 || Reign as King lasted from May 10th 1774 - September 21st 1792

Died: January 21st 1793 || Execution By Guillotine

Religion: Roman Catholic

Family Ties: House of Bourbon

Siblings: Louis XVIII Comte de Provence, Charles X Comte d’Artois, Élisabeth de France, Louis Duc de Burgundy ( Died at 9 ), Clotilde de France, Xavier Duc de Aquitaine ( Died at 1 ) , Marie Zéphyrine de France ( Died at 5 ), Marie - Thérèse de France ( Died at 2 ).

Parents: Marie-Josèphe of Saxony & Louis the Dauphine of France

Spouse: Marie Antonia Josepha Johanna || ( French Version ) Marie Antoinette ( Second Cousin, Once Removed. )

Biography:

Often passed over in favor of his older brother Louis ( Duc de Burgundy ) because he was more outgoing, handsome & intelligent. Tragically, he died at 9 & favor was shifted to the new future Dauphin. Louis Auguste was by all accounts a healthy but painfully shy & reserved child. He was equally as bright as his brother excelling in: Latin, History, Geography, Astronomy. He was also fluent in English & Italian. ( Louis liked to wrestle with his brothers & hunt with his grandfather. ) His special interest was in locksmithing & this was encouraged by those around him as a worthwhile pursuit even in his childhood. The subjects he was taught by the Duc de la Vauguyon additionally included: Religion, Morality & Humanities.

Louis married Marie on May 16th 1770 when he was just 15 and she was 14. By the time the two were married to form the French & Austrian alliance: the defeat of France, in the 7 years war had already made the French public view the new Dauphine as an unwelcome stranger to the country.

The couple only met 2 days before their marriage, and for this reason the marriage was cordial but very distant in the beginning. Louis was shy & also afraid of being manipulated by Marie for stately purposes --- this made him act coldly towards her in public. They did eventually foster a fondness for each other & their marriage was consummated in 1777.

( Louis XVI & Marie Antoinette’s reputations were damaged because they did not produce heirs in a traditionally ‘ timely manner ‘. )

After gentle prodding from Marie’s brother, Joseph II --- Louis began to take his conjugal duties seriously and Marie fell pregnant, eventually giving birth to 4 live-born children. ( Marie suffered 2 miscarriages and Louis - by all accounts - consoled her each time. ) Louis XVI also ‘ adopted ‘ six children additionally, though they were never granted royal status.

Louis took the throne in 1774 at age 19 after his grandfather died. By then, there was already resentment among the public for the royal family, lots of government debt incurred before he was installed as monarch, and so much responsibility that Louis himself did not feel ready & prepared to take on.

Louis XVI’s indecisiveness & lack of firmness - though grounded in the idea he wanted to be liked & loved - ultimately, led to part of his downfall. ( It should be noted Louis Auguste DID genuinely attempt to be a good and just king, the circumstances that line up before his assent to the throne were too vastly stacked against him. )

Louis reinstated the ‘ parlements ‘ & put a more experienced advisor in place to ensure that things were fair and on the up and up. Louis also signed the Edict of Versailles || Edict of Tolerance that allowed Non-Catholics to have the legal right to practice their faith(s), as well as restore legal/civic rights and status to them. This overturned the Edict of Fontainebleau which had reigned as law for a little over 100 years. While the Edict of Versailles didn’t claim freedom of religion - it decriminalized the practice of other religions and helped ease tensions based on religious differences in the country.

Radical financial reforms were a steadily growing need in the country because of the mounting debt ... the nobles refused to instate the necessary laws ultimately culminating in further dissatisfaction among the public and stoking the flames of the oncoming French Revolution. The publication of ‘ Le Compte - rendu au Roi ‘ -> ‘ The Records of Accounts for the King ‘ further ruined the monarchy’s reputation by publishing propaganda that was full of fictitious & inaccurate budgets meant to make France look more financially stable than it was. When the true extent of France’s debt was revealed: the common man & many nobles alike were shocked and disgusted, the nobility outright rejecting the reforms necessary to begin to rectify the scenario.

Finally, the country’s finances reached an appalling low --- and Louis was forced to use his absolute powers to force reforms, though they could only be maintained for more than 2 - 4 months maximum before he would be forced to revoke them. He closed down the french parliamentary system. The royal treasury was also unable to sustain the reforms imposed because it was in a crippled state as it was.

After much abuse from the the First & Second Estates ( after Louis reinstated the Estates-General ) the third estate decided unanimously declared themselves the National Assembly. Soon after Louis lost control of this newly formed legislative body - the revolution was underway and officially began with the Storming of the Bastille on July 14th 1789.

Louis Xvi’s Palace de Versailles was stormed by an angry mob on October 5th 1789. This was done in an attempt to kill Marie --- the now much hated symbol of frivolity to the French public. After the Marquis de Lafayette diffused the situation - the royal family was forced to move themselves to the Tuileries palace in Paris.

While plenty of key figures besides the king and queen attempted to gather strength to restore the former absolute power of the monarchy --- it would ultimately fail and many of these secret supporters either retracted loyalty to the crown under threat of death, or met grisly ends by the hands of the public & new governing body. Louis, finally realizing the danger he and his family were in and wanting to regain control of France - helped Axel von Fersen ( a rumored lover to the Queen ) plan the royal family’s escape to gather forces and gain protection by Austria. After a series of setbacks, missteps, poor judgements, indecision, and assorted other issues behind the scenes - the family was caught and returned to Paris ( Tuileries Palace ) on June 25th 1791 and placed under highly monitored ‘ house arrest ‘. It didn’t help that before they left, Louis left a manifesto denouncing democracy and asserting his authority as king by birthright. Many of his subjects felt torn and confused, though remained loyal ... until this incident in which the revolution was known to be imminent.

All in all, the call to arms fell on inactive deaf ears amid among other foreign monarchs, making the response woefully lackluster and this ultimately sealed the fate of the French aristocracy. On August 10th 1791, the people once again stormed the palace Louis and his family resided in forcing them all to take refuge with the Legislative Assembly.

Louis was officially arrested on August 13th 1792.

September 21st 1792 - the former Third Estate’s new government body the ‘ National Assembly ‘ announced France a republic and abolished the monarchy altogether. All of Louis - Auguste’s titles were taken and he was referred to as Citoyen Louis Capet. While many members wanted the gratification of executing the former king --- the fact some had backgrounds in legal work felt due process a necessity. An agreement was reached that there would be a trial for Louis before the National Convention.

Several charges were brought against Louis while he was being tried, though there were only three questions that mattered to the assembly:

1| Is Louis guilty ?

2| Whatever the decision, should there be an appeal to the people ?

3 | If found guilty: what punishment should Louis suffer?

On the 26th of December 1792, Louis responded tot he charges: Not Guilty. At this time, behind closed doors - he had already accepted his fate & knew that he would be found guilty. He was reported as wanting to hold his ground so that he might still be viewed favorably and as a good king to France.

Voting took place & after an uncomfortably close call - Louis was sentenced to death by the majority of one vote: his own cousin, the former Duc d’Orleans, voted to have his cousin executed immediately. After an unsuccessful attempt at swaying the decision - the King’s council was resigned ( read as: ‘ forced ‘ ) to allow the execution to proceed.

On Monday, January 21, 1793 --- The ( Former ) Sun King was executed by Guillotine at age 38. This happened on the Place de la Révolution. By most reputable accounts, Louis faced his death with resignation and dignity. He gave a small speech before hand and was stopped before he could complete it with a drum roll that signaled the Guillotine was ready.

After the execution, his body was taken to Madeleine Cemetery where he was given a small secret funeral service and then buried in an unmarked grave, head between his feet and covered in quicklime.

The cemetery closed in 1794. 21 years later, Louis XVIII had his brother and sister in law exhumed and reinterred in the Basilica of St. Denis. From 1816 - 1826 a monument honoring the King and Queen was erected in the same area the former cemetery and church occupied. It was named the ‘ Chapelle Expiatoire ‘.

#• Le Tendre Soleil Se Lèvera Á Nouveau. • ( Louis Auguste || Louis XVI. )#• You Can't Play My Cabinet Like A Harpsichord ... • ( NPCs. )#• Why Do Americans Think They Know It All ? • ( OOC Historical Rambling. )

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queenmarytudor · 6 years

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Elizabeth in Mary’s reign

There’s a wide assumption that the two Tudor sisters hated each other. It’s well known Elizabeth was imprisoned in the Tower during Mary’s reign... and that’s about it for their whereabouts and relationship until the former becomes Queen in 1558. I was curious to see how much time the two sisters actually spent together during Mary’s 5 year rule; here’s what I discovered.

1553

On the 3rd of August, a triumphant Mary rode into London. By this time her sister Elizabeth and her household had joined her, though how many days the pair had been reunited is unknown.

Elizabeth had sent a letter to Mary c.22nd of July to “congratulate her on her accession, and to beg her to let her know in what dress she desires to see her when she goes to salute her: whether her garb shall be mourning or not.”

It is clear she had arrived at least a day before the 3rd, as the Spanish ambassador Simon Renard notes “Her estate has been increased since the Queen's accession.”

On the 19th October Renard writes “Elizabeth is soon leaving Court, as she told me herself last Tuesday.”.

On the 28th, it is confirmed “The Lady Elizabeth has left Court.”, but despite officially leaving the court, Elizabeth still appears to be frequently around Mary.

She is recorded on the 4th of November as being in “the house in town that the Queen gave her (Somerset Place); [and] not gone into the country as I [Renard] had been told”.

It seems that while Elizabeth wasn’t living at court at the time, she spent most of her time there; almost a month later on the 3rd of December, Renard writes that “The Queen told me that Elizabeth had asked leave to depart for her house next Wednesday.”

In the same dispatch he mentions of an incidence on the 30th of November involving Elizabeth on the way to Mass, indicating Elizabeth was virtually a courtier but living in her own, separate household nearby at Somerset Place. As mentioned earlier her household/estate was increased upon Mary becoming Queen (likely to emphasise her new position as heir) so this makes logical sense to avoid overcrowding.

By the 8th of December, Elizabeth had left for Ashridge, “a place thirty miles away on the road to Scotland. She very courteously took leave of the Queen, who also dissembled well and gave her sister a rich coif of sable.”

1554

In the beginning of 1554 Wyatt’s rebellion broke out with serious consequences for Elizabeth. Suspected to be working with the rebels, the relationship between the two sisters soured and Mary immediately summoned Elizabeth back to court.

The first mention of Elizabeth returning is on the 23rd of February. She is recorded as being “dressed all in white and followed by a great company of the Queen's people and her own."

Despite ordering Elizabeth to come, “the Queen would not see her and had her lodged in a part of her house out of which neither she nor any of her suite can pass without crossing the guard.”

The situation quickly became worse for Elizabeth. In March it was decided she would be moved to the Tower of London, and 2 months later, on the 20th of May, “the Lady Elizabeth was taken out of the Tower and conducted to Richmond. Thence she has been conveyed to Woodstock, there to be kept.”

Elizabeth would be kept on virtual house arrest for the remainder of the year.

1555

While Elizabeth remained at Woodstock, Mary married Philip II of Spain and believed herself to be pregnant. As the suspected due date for the new heir to England approached, around the 25th of April “it was decided to bring Elizabeth here to Court in a few days, before the Queen's confinement takes place”.

By the 6th of May Elizabeth was at court. She had arrived “very privately, accompanied by three or four of her women, and as many more [male] servants, but was neither met nor received by any one, and was placed in the apartment of the Duke of Alva, where she lives in retirement, not having been seen by any one save once or twice by their Majesties, by private stairs.”

On the 25th, James Basset wrote to Edward Courtenay that “My Lady Elizabeth is at her full liberty, yet she remaineth still at the court. She hath seen the Queen's highness twice.”

At the beginning of August, Mary retired to Oatlands Palace, and “leave was given to “Miladi” Elizabeth to withdraw with all her attendants to a house distant three miles from her Majesty's; and on the Queen's expected return to Hampton Court in eight or ten days, it is supposed that said “Miladi” will not come back again, but either remain where she is, or go to another of her palaces, as she is completely free.”

On the 27th, Mary and Philip went to Greenwich “where the Queen will remain during the whole time of the King's stay beyond sea.”

Mary and Elizabeth’s relationship, severely damaged from the last year and a half, seems to improve over this summer. Perhaps Mary wanted comfort after her false pregnancy and Philip’s departure, and genuinely missed her little sister. Perhaps she was once again showing England that for now Elizabeth remained her heir. Whatever the reason, the two sisters were now enjoying a close, if not entirely comfortable, relationship again.

Though not stated at the time, we know Elizabeth stayed with Mary for the next 2 months.

On the 21st of October, Mary opened Parliament after “coming from St. James', whither she retired on her return from Greenwich. The Lady Elizabeth, who resided permanently with the Queen at Greenwich, has had permission to proceed to a house of her own 17 miles hence.”

1556

The first half of 1556 was dominated by the Dudley conspiracy, where suspicion was once again cast on Elizabeth. Though not meeting physically, the sisters sent letters to each other. In June:

“the Queen was induced to send to her [Elizabeth] in the country [at Hatfield] yesterday, Sir Edward Hastings, Master of the Horse, and Sir H. Englefield, one of the Lords of the Royal Council, to console and comfort her on behalf of her Majesty, knowing, as may well be supposed, that this circumstance had distressed and dejected her; and to present her, as a token of loving salutation, and of a message of good will, according to the custom here, with a ring worth 400 ducats [...] using in short loving and gracious expressions, to show her that she is neither neglected nor hated, but loved and esteemed by her Majesty.”

The sisters reunited in person later in the year; on the 23rd of November it is reported that “The Lady Elizabeth is expected here in four days from the country, nor is it yet known whether she will lodge in the palace with the most Serene Queen, or in her own house [Somerset Place], with her attendants”.

On the 1st of December, the Venetian ambassador Giovanni Michiel writes that

“Three days ago Miladi Elizabeth arrived from the country, 15 miles off, with a handsome retinue, having with her, including lords and gentlemen, upwards of 200 horsemen clad in her own livery, and dismounted at her own house [Somerset Place], where she has remained ever since, to the infinite pleasure of this entire population, though she was not met by any of the lords or gentlemen of the court, but many visited her subsequently. Three days afterwards she went to the Queen, and according to report was received very graciously and familiarly. [...] It cannot yet be ascertained whether she came for any other purpose than that of visiting the Queen, she having with great earnestness solicited to come, and not having been called.”

A week later on the 7th, he is disappointed that “The Lady Elizabeth departed so suddenly that I had not time to pay her my visit, which will be reserved for another occasion.”

It is unknown whether Elizabeth had planned to have such a short visit, or left after an argument with Mary, though it is worth noting that the French King heard:

“that the Queen sent for the Lady Elizabeth to the Court, and proposed to her to marry her to the Duke of Savoy, to which she replied that the afflictions suffered by her were such that they had not only ridded her of any wish for a husband, but that they had induced her to desire nothing but death, and then by a flood of tears she brought them also to the eyes of the Queen, who seeing that she still persisted in this opinion of not choosing to marry, dismissed her from the Court, and purposed assembling Parliament to have her declared illegitimate and consequently incapable of succeeding to the Crown.”

Though this report contradicts Michiel’s account of Elizabeth being the one to initiate a visit, it is well known Philip urged Mary to marry Elizabeth to the Duke.

Whatever the reason, the sisters were in each others company for around a week before separating once more.

1557

At the time of writing this post I’ve found no evidence that Elizabeth visited Mary throughout 1557. On the 13th of May the Venetian ambassador Michiel wrote his infamous report about the two sisters, stating:

“It cannot be denied that she [Queen Mary] displays in many ways the scorn and ill will she bears her [Elizabeth]; the Queen, whenever she sees her, fancying herself in the presence of the affronts and ignominious treatment to which she was subjected on account of her mother, from whom in great part the divorce from Queen Katherine originated.

[...]

Having no suitable cause to proceed against her she dissembles her hatred and anger as much as she can, and endeavours when they are together in public to receive her with every sort of graciousness and honour, nor does she ever converse with her about any but agreeable subjects.”

1558

Henry Machyn writes in his diary that “The xxv [25th] of February came riding to London my lady Elizabeth the queens sister with a great company of lords and noble men and women, to her place called Somerset Place.”

Elizabeth stayed for around a week, with Machyn later writing “the 3rd day of March a’for-non my lady Elizabeth’s grace took her horses and rode to her place at [?] With many lords, knights and ladies, and gentlewoman, with a goodly company of horses.”

This is the last recorded meeting of Mary and Elizabeth seeing each other in person. Though I have yet to find a source detailing a visit to court during this time, it is easy to assume that like previous occasions Elizabeth visited Mary whilst staying at Somerset Place.

The sisters continued to correspond through letters throughout the year until Mary’s death, and in the last days of Mary’s life the two sisters seemed to have finally made peace with each other.

“She [Mary] was moved to send two gentlemen to that lady [Elizabeth], to let her know that, as it had pleased the Lord God to end her days, she was content that she as her sister should become Queen, and prayed her to maintain the kingdom and the Catholic religion, in words replete with much affection; to which she [Elizabeth] sent a most gracious reply by two of her attendants, who visited the Queen in her name, condoling with her on her malady.”

#i was surprised elizabeth stayed 2 months in 1555 #it's longer then i thought #anyway the ebb and flow of their relationship is so interesting #i'm just glad by the end mary had accepted it and their relationship was semi-healed #i may do another of these of elizabeth in edward's reign #and mary in his too #elizabeth i #mary i

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westcoastprancer · 3 years

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My Auto-Spaz-Ography

***WARNING - WAY TOO MUCH UNNECESSARY PROFANITY***

Getting past the only child bullshit...sue me I guess? Not my fault my parents could only handle one of me. Pretty annoying growing up hearing from morons that I must be a spoiled little shit...

Can’t really argue there. Aside from self-inflicted hunger (you know...that junior high self image bullshit..starve and lose 5 lbs in a weekend), I’ve never gone hungry. I’ve never been cold, without clothes, or a roof over my head. I was taught values. So yeah, I am fucking spoiled rotten. No apologies there.

People who continuously stay “stuck” royally piss me off. These weirdos are toxic. Avoid them at all costs. They will not change. You will thank me for this piece of advice sometime in your life. Everybody’s got a problem. So do I. Set goals for yourself. Get the fuck off your sad ass every couple weeks. Find your best friend (if you don’t have one of those...you should seriously consider working on finding one) get trashed, talk it out and let that shit go for a while. If you’re stuck in a rut for more than 2-3 months, get help. Seriously. It’s not embarrassing. It’s way more shitty in the long run when you turn out to be the aforementioned person who just stays fucking “stuck”. On another note, subject of the week has been middle aged divorced broads with kids and how sly and bitchy they are. If they go ape shit on me before getting their facts straight, imagine what they do to all these poor men? No fucking wonder a good, non hot dog throwing down hallway status, loyal, no bullshit broad like me can’t find a solid dude. The good dudes are out there getting berated by these broads they knocked up and can’t get out of it now because...you know...the kids and stuff. I’m glad I took a different path. Can’t imagine being in that desperate place looking for affection because I am 37-47 year old wrinkly, loosey goosey broad thinking I was tossed aside by a shitty man, when I am the nutbag...just looking for attention. It’s easy to get laid. No strings. No problems. Many people make it way too complicated. My friend’s brother is hilarious. He is kinda a douche and I love his stories about profiling chicks. My favorite was when he told this broad at the bar she looked beautiful and she said how he made her day! (First red flag) They go to exchange numbers and she once again tells him what a nice time she had meeting him ( nothing wrong with that) but then goes on daily wishing him a good day. That’s another desperate sign. Come to find out...middle aged. Divorced. Kids. Lonely in the panties. You know the drill. I used to host this radio show called Cryin’ Lovin’ Laughin’ or Leavin’ so I learned these things sort of young. You remember the patterns of people. You know warning signs of crazy. Here’s the most invaluable lesson, most people are batshit crazy. Keep the wall up a while. Test people. I have caught so many good people (so I thought) in lies through the years. Even little irrelevant lies. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, relative, colleague, or significant other. When you catch someone in a lie of even the smallest, you wonder what else they are capable of lying about. It changes everything. Be like me. Don’t lie. Sometimes it’s hard, but then you have nothing to hide and having the truth on your side keeps you out of some really shitty situations.Even if it is so embarrassing and you have to put a towel over your head to face the truth...do it. If you don’t believe a word of anything else I say...believe me when I tell you about people. The good and the bad. Just take the time to get to know a person. You don’t want a lazy middle aged squinty eyed salmoncake real estate selling Mom moving her and her kids asses into your house all of a sudden. You ain’t that desperate. Oh and dudes, I’m coming for you...don’t act desperate either. Just don’t. I tend to take your sides on this shit because dudes on the other sides of things are usually just happy to be free, so their demeanor is totally different. But that doesn’t mean I won’t flip sides on you if you guys start getting weird. Covid seems to have made everyone crazy.

Even in a good mood, there is nothing better than a super depressing 90’s country song...am I right? It’s that sad shit that always gets me in my damn near non-existent soul. Look, I randomly placed 6th out of 20 on a totally impromptu Roast Battle at the Laugh Factory in LA one night. One of the roastmasters told me I did so well for my first time because I have no soul. HA HA HA...that one fucking stuck with me. Back to the point - if you can’t sit down with a couple good homies now and then and blast “Alibis” on 10 while chugging Crown, you should really address some things in your monotonous life. Just sayin for someone who doesn’t do the bar scene much anymore and barely has feelings...I know every color of every neon sign. I’m always hashin out a heartache in the back of my mind. Makes me remember not to go there ever again. People suck. I feel like I have already mentioned this. I’m not a “hard” person. I’m a realist. I don’t want to miss fantastic opportunities with people, but I also know those people are few and far between so I really keep my guard up. The right people always tear it down in time.

People who get offended by profanity seriously piss me off more than a hive of wasps chasing me. Let me be clear...if I wasn’t dropping at least 72 f-bombs a day...I’m not sure where I would be in life. It’s turning all negative events in my life into positivity. I mean when you think about the F word. No matter how you slice or dice it...it does have a positive meaning in any context. “Go fuck yourself.” - Ok! “Fuck that!” - With what?! “Fuck You!” - Time and place please? Etc… Do you know what I am fucking saying?

Seriously asked my father the other day why he didn’t own Hilton chains or something. I’m sick of this fucking sweaty ass work too hard lifestyle with hardly any time to do fun shit. The idea of being some stuck up heiress with holes in my pockets sound fucking fantastic to me sometimes. Maybe just not the stuck up part. Could you imagine me that way? Snap my fingers and a drink comes! First class flights to St. Croix with my inner posse. Living the goddamn dream. Me and my doggies on a private island!

I’ve become a bit dramatic, I think. For an extremely hard headed Portagee, I can still call myself out when needed. It’s kinda weird not living alone anymore. I’ve got a badass homie around now (wish I would have met years ago) who actually gives a shit how my day was. So I kinda get called out now on my bullshit. (Side note: It’s important to keep company around you who doesn’t enable your negative traits. Your best friends will call you on your shit and help you grow.) Sometimes I’ll lay down and pout all day over some shit that is NOTHING. Just get stoned and forget the fuck about it. I’m sure this is something I’ve been doing for years. Never caught it til now. Checklist to work on. No one likes even a small percentage of a drama queen. Yuck.

Amazing the shit I think of while stoned. What’s the point of dating? Attach yourself to another person for life? Is that even natural? Attach yourself to yourself...not American Pie style you pervert. Attach yourself to doggies. I cannot stress enough how fulfilling life is raising pups. Watching them grow and learn. I’m not even talking about the ones you raise from babies. Even at an older age, your dog will still learn and grow with mental stimulation and affection. It’s so amazing to watch the new things they learn and pick up on. If you treat your dogs well, they will treat you double as well until death do you part. Sure, it’s shitty you get so attached and they don’t live very long, but it teaches you perseverance. True value of cherishing your pals and moving on in your life always keeping a piece of them with you. Sounds fucking gut wrenching sad. It is, but I promise you the time you spend with your pups outweighs the sadness in the end.( If you’re planning on spending zero time with your animal, leave your pet in constant confined spaces, starve or beat it...don’t fucking get one. Don’t even get close to one. They are better off in the wild than with your crazy ass. You ain’t right.)

You can’t be a lying dickface all the time and expect everyone to be nice to you. Saw a good one on Family Guy that touched my sweet heart a little. Stewie to Brian: “You’re not my friend. Friends come and go. You’re family. That’s for life.” Sounds so sweet. In fact I wanted to call my bestie and tell him that. Then I snapped out and realized “family” can be a super toxic F word. Sad thing is I have a pretty big “family” on each side, yet the older I get, I have realized my only family is my parents. In fact, I have created my own family full of non-blood relatives. Life is wonderful in the positive environment I have created for myself through the years. It’s amazing to form bonds with amazing people who have no ulterior motives like wills and money. Fucking money brings out the true colors in people. It’s sad. People spend their whole lives trippin balls over money. That must suck.

Those dorks at Central Catholic. Even at 15 made me laugh like hell. They’d interview the football “stars” getting full rides to Notre Dame and shit. My favorite was when asked about their favorite band... “Creed man. Such great “hard rock” with such powerful, positive messages.” Those dudes are probably miserable in their physical therapists jobs with their cheating whore wives who come home smelling like ratty vaginas. Someone had to fucking say it. Embarrassing confession: “My Sacrifice” is a FANFUCKINGTASTIC song!

I have a hard time with people. I try my best. I always learn and continue to grow. I got that goin for myself. People suck. People are cruel. (3rd time I’ve said this today?) People take no time to disappoint me for the most part. If you’re kind to me, I will be twice as kind to you. If you’re a fuckface to me, expect me to be an extra double fuck with a cherry on top. Add some nuts too and suck on that shit. I’m a badass person to have in your life and on your team. If you’re lucky enough to make it into my inner circle, I’ll probably be one of the best friend’s you’ve ever made. If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and see the person that you would like to be friends with, you need to make some changes. It took me a long time to become my own best friend. If you can’t be solid with spending time with yourself, you can’t be solid with anyone and you’ll eventually become a dead weight. Take the time to get to know yourself and work on it...for me it’s constant. I know there is other people with my qualities in the world. If you find one, take the time to learn about them and ease your way into friendship slowly. Actions speak louder than words. Prove yourself to be a good human. Be patient. The best relationship of any type comes with time and work.

Let’s see…

Don’t be a fucking retail investor.

Don’t be a fucking commie.

Don’t be a fucking douchebag.

Don’t fucking settle.

Don't stop bettering yourself for you and those you care for.

Don’t stop fucking being YOU!

#westcoastprancer spaztime mybio wildchild speakyourmind

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officialheypals · 4 years

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