#m/cc

[mythicalcoolkid]

Were you expecting a diagnosis of DID or was it a total shock? What were the first signs it was something more?

A bit of both. I didn't want to think about it, in large part because I was terrified of incorrectly talking myself into thinking I had it. I was so afraid that if I knew the details of DID I'd start unconsciously presenting them, get misdiagnosed as having it, and end up setting back my actual treatment and giving myself new issues. But I did know it was a possibility and sought out someone who was educated in it. My goal was that "if I see someone who really knows their stuff, they'll be able to tell that I don't really have it and I can get treatment for what I ACTUALLY have"

Turns out what I "actually have" is - surprise! - DID. Treating it has helped immensely and I made more progress in therapy than I ever had over the decade of therapy before that. It did take a long time to process and there are parts of me that still hold denial and don't believe we have it, but "I" as the person writing this have come to terms with it being true and feel it's accurate

As for signs, it's difficult to say "these are definitely DID-related" because while they are for me, they can also be symptoms of other issues. They certainly aren't signs that someone definitely has DID, but knowing now that I have DID I can note a few things that make sense looking back

For example, I often wouldn't remember times or things I did when I was triggered. I'd make posts or say things I didn't remember or I'd act very differently and oddly after certain triggers. The biggest and most obvious thing was when a part explicitly stated "I am not [my name], and I'm a girl." I'd also always had an "autopilot" mode that had different skills and deficits than me, but also had its own opinions and did things I normally wouldn't do; I'd regularly "come to" with evidence of self harming behavior that I didn't remember. I now know that those are 7 and 0, respectively (using pseudonyms for privacy)

#m/cc #ama #self harm mention

[mythicalcoolkid]

Hey. Uh. It's Mental Health Awareness Month again

Y'all who have followed me a long time might remember I used to do an Ask Me Anything every year for that, but I've missed a few years

Diagnoses have Changed, and I really haven't wanted to talk about it for a variety of reasons, but I decided during May I wanted to update and go back to doing AMA

Old diagnoses that are still applicable are depression, anxiety, and Tourette's (and all the physical health stuff of course). I'm not sure if I talked about getting diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and PTSD/C-PTSD here or not, but those still stand. The big change is that a few years ago I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, the main thing I was hesitant to talk about on this blog. There are still some days where it doesn't feel real and some parts of me that don't get it, but being diagnosed and finally having an accurate label and getting the right treatment has changed everything and I've finally been able to start rebuilding things

So, yeah. It's a lot and it's often not a well understood subject. But I'm at a point now where I feel comfortable saying it on here and am back to doing AMAs. So uh... ask me anything! And filter #AMA to avoid it if you don't want to see possible spam haha

TL;DR I've been professionally diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and Tourette's (all neurological and neurodevelopmental disorders) and depression, anxiety, PTSD/C-PTSD, and DID (dissociative identity disorder). It's mental health awareness month, so - ask me anything

#m/cc #I am admittedly still a bit nervous being out about this #but I think it'd be nice to talk

[mythicalcoolkid]

Throwback to my first Pride when my friends and I couldn't figure out a big flag these girls were holding, yelled "what's your flag?!", and they excitedly yelled back "COLUMBIA!!”

#m/cc #man that was great #they were so excited and asked us to take a pic of them (which we obviously did) #I was in charge of trying to identify niche pride flags for my friends but that was one that stumped us haha

[mythicalcoolkid]

I feel like some of y'all took the real issue of "toxic positivity" and started using it as a shield to avoid any actual healing work and justify your bad behavior

#m/cc #negative

[mythicalcoolkid]

Kind of eh on calling myself physically disabled until they don't have wheelchair or scooter carts in a store and I have to go sit on a bench by the shoes while my friends shop for things because I can't stand or walk and look at things/participate

#m/cc #I hate how disability leaves you left out #it's no one's fault and on a good day I COULD do it without a chair. I've done it before #I'm just too tired. everything kind of aches. I'm leaning heavily on my cane #so I have to go sit by myself #I'm tired. #I'm tired #and just a bit sad #negative

[mythicalcoolkid]

Real interaction I just had with my boyfriend's endocrinologist:

Misha, gesturing to me: this is my boyfriend

Endo: you getting into trouble? What's that, what are you doing with that cane

Me: limping mostly

Endo: why's that

Me: I got problems

Endo: what problems?

Me: body broken

Endo: who broke it?

Me: my parents, I guess...?

Endo: oh he's a Wisenheimer, be careful

(What I should have said: "actually I think he's the patient today")

#m/cc #I did not actually mean to be like pointedly evasive I just didn't want to explain my health #I am not the patient and I'm also kinda sick so I hurty #anyway please give my fiancé his drugs

[mythicalcoolkid]

Hate that sometimes memory issues just make you look like a liar

#m/cc

[mythicalcoolkid]

I will always be somewhat angry that the US gay marriage debate overwhelmingly focused on "well actually the Bible DOES support homosexuality!" instead of "your religion should not dictate whether I have the legal rights granted by marriage"

#m/cc #negative #yes I know there were people saying that #but the 'debate' was hugely focused on debunking the Christian approach when in reality it shouldn't have mattered #I understand that in many (most?) scholarly religious interpretations the Bible does not condemn gay people #Queer Theology was a resource that gave me a lot of comfort back in the day and I highly recommend it #I get that their argument wasn't valid to begin with and that it's an important conversation to have #but *whether or not Christianity agrees with it should not have been the primary debate* #Jewish weddings are still legal marriage. weddings between non-Christians are still legal marriage. this is about civil rights not religion #it's incredibly messed up that we had to defend our status through the Christian view instead of human rights #'freedom of religion' > 'one nation under God'

[mythicalcoolkid]

So many of my "controlling" behaviors were a) me being autistic and/or b) an actually entirely reasonable boundary

"Why are YOU allowed to make repeating noises and it doesn't bother you but it's a problem when anyone else does it?" Because when other people do it I don't know when it will end, I'm waiting for the next little noise, and it's extremely stressful, so I cover my ears. When I do it I know exactly how it's going to happen and can stop at any time

"How do you expect to live with other people with your control issues hmm :/" well it turns out other people don't actually come into my room and arrange my stuff and if I say "hey please don't go into my room when I'm not there" most people just won't go into my room when I'm not there, and the people who continue to do so are seen pretty universally as rude. And if I tell a friend "hey repetitive noises really bother me, I'm gonna grab earbuds," that's also fine

Go figure!

#m/cc #negative #also I can have a lock on my door! that solves the majority of the issues

[mythicalcoolkid]

All of the things that would be "awkward" for me to do around extended family are really not because of me or anything about the thing itself, but entirely about how my parents stopped telling anyone major information about me after like fifth grade

Like I can't bring have disability aids with me NOT because health stuff is weird but because it's much weirder that I have in fact had significant health problems since I can remember and have been disabled since, generously, 17 (more accurately 11 or 12) and my parents didn't tell anyone. I can't officially come out NOT because people would be weird about it (they would but I don't care) but because that would necessitate admitting that I've been living socially as male for going on ten years now and my parents never said anything and had me just. Pretend I wasn't. Like it's so funny now that I've had so many huge life changes that I CAN'T talk about it because the inevitable follow-up is "wait. This has been going on HOW long...?"

#m/cc #yeah I transitioned and have been living stealth as a man for nearly a decade (probably pretty obvious honestly #you have to at least have thought I was a lesbian unless you chalked it up to like. kids these days or something) #but yeah I've used a cane for a year or two now because my physical health kept declining #you know. from the long term health conditions I've been dealing with since I was 10? #you know the big health scare I had like four years ago with the genetic condition? and five years ago when I almost died? #we think some of the issues were caused or exacerbated by malnourishment when I was a kid. oh yeah I was neglected and abused #and severely underweight. that's why I was so weird as a kid. I also had neurodevelopmental issues but I didn't see a doctor about it #until I was an adult. yeah I had a lot of medical issues go untreated for disturbingly long periods. even really simple ones #I think my lungs are weird from how often I had bronchitis haha I just always had a sore throat for years too #there's some suspicion from professionals that I might've been involved in like covert organized crime activity. it's been really traumatic #but anyway I'm moving out west with my fiancé. yeah I'm gay and I'm getting married we've been together for years <3 #happy Thanksgiving! <3 #I. might delete this post not gonna lie

[mythicalcoolkid]

Hate that dissociation makes symptoms look different than the classic presentations

#m/cc #there's a reason I didn't know I was having panic attacks for years #severe ones actually #if you're so dissociated from your body and emotions AND from 'normal experiences' #you just figure everyone gets sudden severe flu symptoms for 20 minutes at a time with no warning #and that's how you go through years of life without realizing you have a severe anxiety disorder #relearning how to feel is a really long process and if you're dissociated enough it's very easy to just kind of shrug off symptoms #even if you notice stuff or learn most people don't experience it it's just kind of 'whatever. what else is new I guess' #you start hallucinating? 'oh well.' don't eat all day? lose chunks of time? 'fine.' learn people don't always have headaches? 'figures' #I dunno. this post brought to you by an infographic explaining anxiety vs panic attacks. it did not apply to me. that's all

[mythicalcoolkid]

Sometimes I forget what an effect growing up knowing about "savant syndrome" had on me. Like yeah maybe being constantly told by society that it was necessary for me to be a prodigy to "make up for" being disabled and be worthy of care and help contributed just a little bit to my self-worth

#m/cc #but if I can't play piano or read ten years beyond my level or be Mathilda then what's even the point of my existence? #having an extraordinary talent is the only way for someone to notice you and want to help #and then they help because they see the talent and potential and want to save you for what you'd contribute to the world #being really good at piano makes the suffering WORTH IT. it MEANS something. it makes people realize you're a person #obviously sarcasm but like #yeah

[mythicalcoolkid]

Y'all will see videos of blue collar workers doing their jobs in creative, efficient, or cool ways and scream "no unskilled labor!!!!" but I'm willing to bet you'd absolutely change your tune if you knew the worker had a neuro disability

#m/cc #y'all treat people with neuro and/or developmental disabilities so garbage and you don't realize it #if the video title was changed from 'awesome workers on another level' to 'talent from workers with intellectual disabilities' #you'd change from 'that's so cool :D EVERY job involves skill!' to 'that's so cool :') see ANYONE can have skill :')' #can't articulate it well right now but there's so much patronizing when you know someone's mentally disabled. it becomes cute and uplifting #a worker doing their job well is not wholesome and if that changes because you know they're disabled you should examine how you view that #believe it or not mentally disabled people can have talents in the exact same areas as (and for the exact same reason as) everyone else #*you are not better or automatically more capable than someone in an institution or group home or sheltered workshop* #YOU'RE NOT. I think that's what abled people can't wrap their heads around

[mythicalcoolkid]

Underrated "worst kind of thinkpiece article" contendor: articles about how we as a society need to examine [current trend] because naïvely buying into it ruined the author's life, only when you actually read the article it's clear that the author is in fact blaming a LOT of their personal issues on. Like. Marie Kondo

#m/cc #this isn't new either I remember this at least ten years ago in Reader's Digest #author got a Fitbit and loved it #got obsessed with tracking his steps. took long walks after dinner listening to podcasts. cared a lot about meeting his step count #felt really lost when it broke #like I do think there's something to be said about grind culture and diet culture and technology that exploits addictive tendencies #but this guy's problem was not the Fitbit and the Fitbit was not the thing making him miss out on other life experiences #he could have taken those walks WITH his wife #either liking the solitude of the walks or not communicating with his wife is not the fault of the Fitbit. the Fitbit counted his steps and #buzzed when he met his (self-chosen) goal #anyway. this is sponsored by remembering an article I read forever ago about how Konmari ruined the author's life #because she got into it (while grieving) and loved it and somehow missed the point and became obsessed with minimalism #Marie Kondo suggesting you keep what makes you happy or fills a need and consider getting rid of things you don't is not what's #causing you this anxiety about gifts. you are looking for something to blame that's manipulated you into this situation

[mythicalcoolkid]

As a faceblind person if the monster from Smile disguised itself as someone I knew and I got a call from the real person I wouldn't think "oh no it's the monster" I'd think "oh no I've been talking to a stranger"

#m/cc #Smile movie #Smile 2022 #(tagging for filters)

[mythicalcoolkid]

"How to use psychology to make people do what you want" ENOUGH! I'm using my psychology to make people more confident! Unconditional positive regard! Challenging cognitive distortions and biases! Modeling! I use psychology every time I compliment how big my cat is around my diet-culture friend. I use psychology every time I compliment an inherent trait about a friend or affirm their own ability. I want people to feel good and be their best selves!!!!

#m/cc #don't want this to blow up it'll get the worst notes #just thinking about the 'psychology hacks to get your way' trend from a while ago #which is still very present today #I hate pop psych so much it kills me