#maedhros gets the ceremonial role accept renunciations because he ishead of house

[lendmyboyfriendahand]

Dying for the cause or killing it

To turn your back on your family is as good as death.

Amrod was the first. He wanted to return to Valinor, speak to the followers of Nolofinwe, even seek pardon for Alqualonde rather than risk repeating it. He had been asking questions cautiously around the camp, trying to find out who would help without revealing his plan, when Feanor burned the ships and rendered it moot.

Amrod was angry enough to tell his father what he had been planning, so that Feanor would fully understand what he had just destroyed.

But Feanor was enraged. “I thought you were loyal, and instead you were plotting to undermine me, to abandon our cause and bring the usurper here.”

“More soldiers will help your cause, though I myself no longer believe revenge worth the price. If the only permitted steps are those that you plan, and the only permitted goals those from your thoughts, than it is you, not Manwe, who seeks to be master of thralls.”

“If you see duty to your family as no more than thralldom, you need not take it; but family does not exist without duty. If hate so terribly being my son and subject, you may leave behind both.”

“Then I shall,” Amrod said, and walked off.

Amrod abandoned his Oath. He did not seek out his father, or his brothers, or any in the Feanorian host through all the years of the Watchful Peace. They in turn followed Feanor’s word, and Amrod was dead to the house of Feanor.

~~~

The Feanorian army gathered outside Doriath. There was a Silmaril hidden in that kingdom, and the young king would not yield it. The Sons of Feanor met to plan their attack.

“I'm not doing it,” Caranthir said.

“The Oath compels us to retrieve the Silmaril,” Celegorm said. “We all agreed so, even Maglor.”

“We tried negotiating, and it didn’t work,” Maedhros pointed out. “Why else would you come all this way?”

“I thought Dior would see reason when there was an army on his doorstep. But he has not, and I attack Doriath.”

“We have little choice, with the Oath.”

“I know full well what Feanor’s Oath demands of his family.”

Maglor put the pieces together. “Feanor’s Oath and Feanor’s family, but not yours?”

“Unless what counts as heresy has changed in the last five centuries, no. Not mine.”

“You are certain of this?” Maedhros asked.

“I am. If Feanor’s sons must destroy a peaceful realm for the sake of a gem, I will have no part in it.”

“And if your loyalty depends on never having to do things you don’t wish to, the loyalty is false.”

“Loyalty must be deserved. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Caranthir son of no one.”

~~~

Celegorm’s armor was splattered with blood and guts; there was even a pink tinge at the end of his hair. But his look of disgust was due not to his own state, but directed at two elves restrained before him. They had been in his command for centuries, and one had even hunted with him beside Orome in Aman.

Celegorm bent down as if to look them in the eye, and slit both of their throats in one easy motion.

“I quit,” he said conversationally as he stood up.

“Excuse me?” Maglor asked.

“I said I quit. Like Caranthir and Amrod.”

“Attacking Doriath was your idea in the first place! You can’t be regretting it now.”

“I don’t regret attacking Dior and his army. But I have been so obsessed with the Silmaril that my people thought I hated the whole line, even the innocent.”

“I would hardly call Nimloth-”

“Those two -” Celegorm gestured to the bodies of his soldiers “- killed two boys and thought I would pleased. Not boys like the dead boy-king, too young to understand the impact of his choices but old enough to command armies. Children, barely six years old, killed to get revenge on their dead idiot father.”

Maedhros had arrived, and listened impassively to Celegorm’s speech. “I never knew you to care so much about other people’s opinion of you.”

“I’m not g=begging them to reconsider their wrong opinion of me, I’m stopping before it becomes the right one. I have done what it takes to pursue the Oath, unstoppable and uncaring as a forest fire. That was necessary, but going back and burning the few trees left standing merely so the destruction would be complete is not.”

“The actions done in your name are only your fault to the extent you permit them. You have made it quite clear you disapprove.”

“Oh, and I suppose our actions here will never be laid at Father’s feet. He started us down the path, and saw after Alqualonde where it led, never turning aside. I am.”

“Do you think you’re special for having cruel soldiers? Do you think no one ever thought the Warlord of Himring would appreciate knowing enemies were tortured in payment for my torture? Men have brought me the mutilated bodies of their traitorous neighbors expecting I would like the trophy. Being thought monstrous is the price of command.”

“I don’t want command. I can make my own path, with no elves or men to obey me or oppose me.”

“If you wish to be a nameless wilderness creature rather than an elven prince, I will not stop you.”

“You’re right, you won’t.” He turned and walked off into the woods.

Curufin chose that moment to speak. “He has the right idea.”

“You too?” Maedhros asked. “How can you reject this after everything?”

“We’re doing nothing but repeating history with ourselves as the villains.”

“How is that a change from yesterday?”

“The king has been killed in his home by those who would take the Silmarils, his greatest treasure, and the city lies in ruins around him. Do you not see echoes of Formenos?”

“No. We have no Ungoliant, and more importantly no Silmaril.”

“But Father was justified - we were justified - in pursuing Morgoth, seeking retribution for his crimes against us.”

“Of course! If you doubt that, you should have turned back when Olwe refused us, not Dior.”

“I don’t doubt it! But if we are righteous for hating Finwe’s murderer, than so are the surviving Iathrim righteous for hating us.”

“What does it matter? They will hate us if it is just or not.”

“It matters for who we are! Are we nothing but brigands, stealing what cannot be defended because we wish for it? Is that not the very thing we set out to oppose?”

“We set out to reclaim the Silmarils and kill Morgoth. If Father had a noble reason underneath those, I never heard him say.”

“It is obvious! I will not be a prisoner of the letter of his Oath and therefore betray his spirit. Celebrimbor was right to say we were going astray.”

“Celebrimbor renounced you, not just Feanor. You won’t get him back.”

“I know, but maybe he can achieve the greatness I haven’t, with no Oath dragging him down.”

“And you? What would be left of Curufinwe Atarinke when you take away everything that came from Curufinwe Feanaro his father?”

“I suppose I will find out.”

Maedhros, Maglor, and Amras stared at each other in silence. Than Maedhros shook his head, and said, “Keep searching for the Silmaril. Celegorm’s people can search the woods for hiding places, if they’ll listen to me. You two search the east and west wings of the palace, and I’ll check the main square.”

His two remaining brothers nodded.

~~~

The three of them stood on the cliffs at Sirion and watched the bird that had been Elwing fly away.

“Well now what,” Maglor said.

“What do you suppose Valinor being fenced against us really means?” Maedhros asked. “Would we be physically stopped, or would it simply go terribly if we did reach there? And barred by something we can fight, or more like a cliff?”

“I assume we would never reach land; we barely made it across the Sea last time.”

Maedhros sighed. “And none of us learned to sail. I will have to think of some other way.”

““Some other way for what?” Amras asked.

“To retrieve the Silmaril from Valinor, of course.”

“You’re joking.”

“Do you think she’s headed somewhere other than to Valinor, or to her husband who was seeking the same?”

“No, we’ve sacked anywhere else she might feel safe.”

“So we need to find a way across the sea.”

“And then fight all fourteen of the Valar?”

“What, are you becoming pious all of a sudden?”

“Not pious, just realistic! We are not strong enough to do open battle against Morgoth on his own, what makes you think we can win against the rest of them?”

“We’ll have the element of surprise, for one.”

“And that will be enough to kill the gods?”

“I’m not saying we need to kill Manwe - I’m not sure that’s even possible. But we could distract them, and reclaim what is ours by right.”

“You’ve proven that you’re not able to out-think a Vala, either at the Nirnaeth or at your royal parley.”

“Morgoth is the Vala of lies and darkness, I should have expected him to be cunning. But it is said that Manwe cannot comprehend evil; he will not understand betrayal until it is too late.”

“You are a fool. If we attempt combat with the Valar, we will lose.”

Maglor said, “Aren’t you getting ahead of yourselves? We can’t be sure we need to fight the Valar at all. Maybe Elwing will reach Earendil, and the two of them will return to Sirion.”

“Even if they did, what would that help? Elwing is clearly favored, and likely  Manwe will intervene again if we try to kill her - unless you think elves just tun into birds on their own?”

“Well, no. But I don’t think it’s as hopeless as all that, Uncle wounded a Vala on his own, and there are three of us.”

“We’ve lost, whether or not you can see it.”

Maedhros said, “Our Oath doesn’t let us give up. We win, or we fall into darkness and death.”

“Or we give up the Oath.”

“No. We can still win.”

“We can’t. Even if we could, we shouldn’t.”

“I won’t abandon everything we worked towards just because it became difficult!”

“And I won’t kill in pursuit of a goal I know is impossible. Yes, we have done evil, but we knew why, and knew it would end if we obtained the Silmarils. Now they are all beyond our reach, and we could burn the world and not be one step close to victory. It is madness to keep going.”

“Madness or no, it is our path.”

“It may be the path for the Sons of Feanor, but not for me. Amrod had the right of it, even if it took me longer to see. I would say until we meet again, but I doubt we shall.”

“Farewell.”

~~~

"They burn us," Maedhros said hollowly.

Maglor gave a bitter laugh. "You can't have doubted that we were marred and evil by now."

"I didn't really. I just thought it would be - different. Less empty."

"Seriously? You honestly thought it would feel good to succeed, like we'd accomplished something! That is the most naive thing I can imagine. We've only had a foolish excuse to keep going since the Nirnaeth, getting more and more frail ever since Caranthir left. Now there's no purpose at all, how did you expect to feel?"

"...Peaceful?"

Maglor laughed so hard he couldn't stand. "Lord Maedhros of Himring, Orcsbane thought we could experience peace. There's no peace for us, only battle or surrender. You chose battle, and here we are."

"Then I choose to end it, if there is to be no peace."

"We can still surrender."

"No one would accept it."

"We can’t surrender to someone, but we could surrender our Oath."

“And where would we go? To those who’ve we attacked, or those who followed us past the point of reason?”

“There are five elves who would not shoot us on sight, if we can find where they went. Or at least four, Amras may still be angry.”

“They hate everything we stand for.”

“So do I. Can you think of anything we’ve fought for in the last century that you still believe is worth it?”

Maedhros shook his head.

“So that’s something we all have in common then.”

“They hate me. I told them all to go.”

“You did and they might, but they’ll forgive you for being such a complete idiot.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I’ve forgiven you for being an idiot and just an hour ago we destroyed our only chance of ever going home, because you commanded it. The rest of the will come around.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

Maglor shrugged. “What else is family for? Now, shall we find the rest of ours?”

“Yes, let’s.”

ao3 link

#silmarillion #sons of feanor #My fic #tehhumi october #feanorians #maedhros #maglor #Celegorm #caranthir #Curufin #ambarussa #silm #disowned #tw death reference #though less character death than canon #this is nearly an everybody lives au #maedhros gets the ceremonial role accept renunciations because he ishead of house #*is head #tw suicide #no actual suicide but a whole lot of metaphorical suicide and depressing thoughts #now on ao3